The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Happiness Machine - full transcript
A small-town inventor find that building a machine that can create happiness is a harder project than he thought.
[music playing]
[eerie music]
People ask, where do
you get your ideas?
Right here.
All of this is my
magician's toyshop.
I'm Ray Bradbury.
And this is--
[theme music]
[peaceful music]
[wind gusts rushing]
[birds chirping]
Is someone saying something?
[peaceful music]
[chirping]
Is it my birthday then?
No.
Well, then, how come?
[bird chirping]
Yes, yes.
I know, I know.
It is a wonderful!
I got to pay back!
I got to pay back!
Neil?
Who do we owe now?
Long overdue.
I should've paid up years ago.
Chock full of me.
And me's gonna--
well, wait and see.
Got to have a blueprint.
OK, Leo.
What do we put first?
Ha!
[scraping]
Ha again!
[chirping]
[bird call echoes chirping]
Hi, pa.
What's that?
It's going to be a
happiness machine.
Can I help?
Now is it the happiness machine?
Yes.
So?
You don't very happy.
So what's this about
some sort of contraption
you're erecting in your
laboratory, Count Frankenstein?
Bad news travels fast.
So?
First of all, it's
not a contraption.
It's a machine.
Second, it's not my laboratory.
It's my workshop.
Third, it's not
Count Frankenstein,
it's Baron Frankenstein.
And forth, Saul, I
hereby give you the Big
Mouth of the Year Award.
So this contrapt--
this machine.
Happiness, A
machine to make happy.
Good times.
Joy tomorrow morning,
and next week.
Work tomorrow morning
and all next week.
Ah, the presentation can wait.
I am going to take a vacation
and work on happiness.
[clears throat]
When did all this happen?
Dawn.
Sunrise, I don't know.
I got up, I look out, and
I never saw so much before.
I-- what's the word?
Hyperventilated, that's it.
Filled up, exploded.
I had to do something
or go crazy.
I had to say, you're right.
So--
Joy?
Happiness, Lena, happiness.
[peaceful music]
Butterfingers!
Bad pass.
Billy, you're a klutz.
You're a crummy quarterback.
Ready or not, here I go.
[laughter]
[peaceful music]
Hey, Mr. Peekaboo.
Why are you staring
from outside?
Come in.
Lena, are you pleased,
delighted, joyful, contented?
Do you feel lucky, fortunate?
Are things clever,
fitting, successful,
and suitable for you?
Read that again?
You're not contented,
delighted, joyful?
Leo, cows are contented.
Babies, old folks, and second
childhood are delighted.
As for joyful, look how I
laugh ironing your shirts.
Next month we'll
take off, get away.
Next week you'll
be asking me what
makes my heart beat all night.
Who knows?
Or what's marriage?
Don't ask.
Eat, sleep breathe, Leo.
Oh, good grief!
Oh, look what you've done!
Happiness.
Shall I tell you
what it is, Leo?
Happiness is not bread
for dinner, but charcoal.
Come back, Leo.
See my smile.
[peaceful music]
What should happiness
look like, feel like?
Taste like?
[happy music]
Yes, sure.
Yes, yes.
Happiness should be bright.
[crackling]
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
[loudly hammering]
[laughs]
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
[fabric tears]
Ha, ha, ha.
Ugh.
You little brat!
Children, stop it.
[distant hammering]
Oh!
[fast-tempo classical music]
Hey, kids, who is
that man out there?
It's papa, mom!
Oh.
It used to be our dad.
Who said I'm not?
[splat]
Ow!
Uh-oh.
[classical music]
[welding torch crackling]
Hey!
[laughter]
Kids, be careful!
[classical music]
Saul, any queens?
Go fish.
The happiness machine is done!
Finished!
Complete.
[ethereal music]
[fast ticking]
Why am I in bed so late?
Stay there or I'll
give you such a hit.
What's this?
It used to be breakfast.
Then it could have been lunch.
Now it's a dog's dinner.
[door creaks]
What's that?
It can't be.
The happiness machine?
- Happiness?
[beeps]
Leo, you haven't spoken to
your children in two weeks.
You've lost 10 pounds.
I've lost 15.
Leave off the clock,
your building.
You'll never find a cuckoo
big enough to go in it.
[welding torch crackling]
[buzzing]
CHILD: No!
Don't!
[loud bang]
[children crying]
[peaceful music]
Yes, ACME Trash Removal?
I need a pickup today.
No!
11 Elm Street, Auffmann.
10 o'clock?
Yes, that would be fine.
Oh yes, a big truck.
Thank you, see you then.
Bye bye.
You mean, I've just got
two hours to prove to you
that my happiness
machine is the most
wonderful idea of all time?
1 hour, 58 minutes,
and counting.
[creaking]
- Get in.
Does it go up or down?
LEO: Sideways.
How do I know it's not
an elevator down to hell?
Wait.
You'll see.
Or a rocket and it
shoots me through the roof?
Sit, Lina.
Sit.
[buzzing]
I'm suffocating.
You're just imagining.
What did you do
with the seat belt?
You don't need one.
You see the buttons?
Yes, so many.
Hardly any.
Press for lights, sound, music,
space, time, memories, futures.
And what if I want out?
Open the door and jump.
How far will I fall?
Near, Lena.
Not far.
Bon voyage.
Papa!
No!
Commence.
Commence?
LEO: Go.
[buzzing]
LENA: Go.
[machine whirs]
Papa!
Listen!
Is mama all right?
All right?
She's fine!
Come close!
Here!
[classical music]
[laughs]
Oh, Paris.
London.
The Pyramids.
The Sphinx.
- The Sphinx!
You hear, kids?
Yeah!
I'm smelling lilacs.
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
"The Blue Danube."
I'm dancing.
Dancing!
What a wife!
What a mother!
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
- Mom?
- What did she do?
- Dad, make it stop.
- What's happening?
She's crying!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She can't be.
Laughing, maybe.
[clicking]
She's crying, papa.
Let me out.
Well, yes.
Maybe like a baby.
Leo, let me out!
Leo, let me out!
[zapping]
Let me out!
[creaking]
Oh!
Oh, Leo!
It's the saddest thing!
First there was Paris.
What's wrong with Paris?
Well, you got me
thinking, Paris.
So suddenly I want to
be in Paris and I'm not!
Well, it's almost as good.
No.
No, sitting there,
it's not real.
You had me dancing.
Saying Well, I haven't
danced in years.
Tomorrow night we'll dance.
Leo, you forgot.
Some hour, some day, we have
to climb out of that machine
and go back to dirty dishes.
Sure, while we're in there,
a sunset lasts forever.
And the air always smells
good and the temperature is--
is perfect.
But outside, Leo, the
children wait for lunch!
And let's be frank, Leo.
Who wants a sunset
to last forever?
Who wants perfect temperature?
After a while, who would notice?
People are like that, Leo.
Did you forget?
Did I?
You should never have
made quick things go slow
and stay around.
And you brought faraway
places to our backyard,
where they don't belong.
Where they just tell you, you'll
never travel, Lena Auffmann.
Paris, you'll never see!
Rome, you'll never visit.
But I always knew that, Leo.
So why tell me?
Make do.
Make do.
So what now, Lena?
That's not for me to say.
All I know, Leo, is as
long as this thing is here,
I'll want to come out.
And Saul will want to come
out, like he did last night.
And against our
judgment, we'll sit in it
and look at all those
far-away places.
And each time we'll cry.
And we'll be no fit family.
Auffmann?
Yes.
No.
11 Elm?
Yes.
No.
GARBAGE MAN: Is that it?
Yes.
No!
Do you want us
to take it away?
Yes!
No!
Children, let's go.
To-meh-to.
To-mah-to.
Thought so.
Come on.
[sighs]
[peaceful music]
Papa?
Saul.
Is that a sunset?
[birds chirping]
Yes, that is a sunset.
Good.
[peaceful music]
[buzzing]
[crackling]
I don't understand.
How could I be so wrong?
[machine whirs]
[sputtering]
[crackling]
[booms]
Papa!
It's going!
I know.
Look!
[loud beeping]
Papa!
The machine!
[booms]
Yes.
The machine.
[sparks crackle]
It's on fire!
- It's burning!
- Leo!
SAUL: Dad!
Call the fire department!
LEO: No.
In a minute.
How long you going
to stay out here?
You stay, Leo, look
in all the windows.
And then tell me
what we've got here.
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
LENA: Saul, is that the sun?
How beautiful.
Honey, let me see.
That's lovely.
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
You know what
we got here, Lena?
A happiness machine.
[peaceful music]
[eerie music]
People ask, where do
you get your ideas?
Right here.
All of this is my
magician's toyshop.
I'm Ray Bradbury.
And this is--
[theme music]
[peaceful music]
[wind gusts rushing]
[birds chirping]
Is someone saying something?
[peaceful music]
[chirping]
Is it my birthday then?
No.
Well, then, how come?
[bird chirping]
Yes, yes.
I know, I know.
It is a wonderful!
I got to pay back!
I got to pay back!
Neil?
Who do we owe now?
Long overdue.
I should've paid up years ago.
Chock full of me.
And me's gonna--
well, wait and see.
Got to have a blueprint.
OK, Leo.
What do we put first?
Ha!
[scraping]
Ha again!
[chirping]
[bird call echoes chirping]
Hi, pa.
What's that?
It's going to be a
happiness machine.
Can I help?
Now is it the happiness machine?
Yes.
So?
You don't very happy.
So what's this about
some sort of contraption
you're erecting in your
laboratory, Count Frankenstein?
Bad news travels fast.
So?
First of all, it's
not a contraption.
It's a machine.
Second, it's not my laboratory.
It's my workshop.
Third, it's not
Count Frankenstein,
it's Baron Frankenstein.
And forth, Saul, I
hereby give you the Big
Mouth of the Year Award.
So this contrapt--
this machine.
Happiness, A
machine to make happy.
Good times.
Joy tomorrow morning,
and next week.
Work tomorrow morning
and all next week.
Ah, the presentation can wait.
I am going to take a vacation
and work on happiness.
[clears throat]
When did all this happen?
Dawn.
Sunrise, I don't know.
I got up, I look out, and
I never saw so much before.
I-- what's the word?
Hyperventilated, that's it.
Filled up, exploded.
I had to do something
or go crazy.
I had to say, you're right.
So--
Joy?
Happiness, Lena, happiness.
[peaceful music]
Butterfingers!
Bad pass.
Billy, you're a klutz.
You're a crummy quarterback.
Ready or not, here I go.
[laughter]
[peaceful music]
Hey, Mr. Peekaboo.
Why are you staring
from outside?
Come in.
Lena, are you pleased,
delighted, joyful, contented?
Do you feel lucky, fortunate?
Are things clever,
fitting, successful,
and suitable for you?
Read that again?
You're not contented,
delighted, joyful?
Leo, cows are contented.
Babies, old folks, and second
childhood are delighted.
As for joyful, look how I
laugh ironing your shirts.
Next month we'll
take off, get away.
Next week you'll
be asking me what
makes my heart beat all night.
Who knows?
Or what's marriage?
Don't ask.
Eat, sleep breathe, Leo.
Oh, good grief!
Oh, look what you've done!
Happiness.
Shall I tell you
what it is, Leo?
Happiness is not bread
for dinner, but charcoal.
Come back, Leo.
See my smile.
[peaceful music]
What should happiness
look like, feel like?
Taste like?
[happy music]
Yes, sure.
Yes, yes.
Happiness should be bright.
[crackling]
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
[loudly hammering]
[laughs]
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
[fabric tears]
Ha, ha, ha.
Ugh.
You little brat!
Children, stop it.
[distant hammering]
Oh!
[fast-tempo classical music]
Hey, kids, who is
that man out there?
It's papa, mom!
Oh.
It used to be our dad.
Who said I'm not?
[splat]
Ow!
Uh-oh.
[classical music]
[welding torch crackling]
Hey!
[laughter]
Kids, be careful!
[classical music]
Saul, any queens?
Go fish.
The happiness machine is done!
Finished!
Complete.
[ethereal music]
[fast ticking]
Why am I in bed so late?
Stay there or I'll
give you such a hit.
What's this?
It used to be breakfast.
Then it could have been lunch.
Now it's a dog's dinner.
[door creaks]
What's that?
It can't be.
The happiness machine?
- Happiness?
[beeps]
Leo, you haven't spoken to
your children in two weeks.
You've lost 10 pounds.
I've lost 15.
Leave off the clock,
your building.
You'll never find a cuckoo
big enough to go in it.
[welding torch crackling]
[buzzing]
CHILD: No!
Don't!
[loud bang]
[children crying]
[peaceful music]
Yes, ACME Trash Removal?
I need a pickup today.
No!
11 Elm Street, Auffmann.
10 o'clock?
Yes, that would be fine.
Oh yes, a big truck.
Thank you, see you then.
Bye bye.
You mean, I've just got
two hours to prove to you
that my happiness
machine is the most
wonderful idea of all time?
1 hour, 58 minutes,
and counting.
[creaking]
- Get in.
Does it go up or down?
LEO: Sideways.
How do I know it's not
an elevator down to hell?
Wait.
You'll see.
Or a rocket and it
shoots me through the roof?
Sit, Lina.
Sit.
[buzzing]
I'm suffocating.
You're just imagining.
What did you do
with the seat belt?
You don't need one.
You see the buttons?
Yes, so many.
Hardly any.
Press for lights, sound, music,
space, time, memories, futures.
And what if I want out?
Open the door and jump.
How far will I fall?
Near, Lena.
Not far.
Bon voyage.
Papa!
No!
Commence.
Commence?
LEO: Go.
[buzzing]
LENA: Go.
[machine whirs]
Papa!
Listen!
Is mama all right?
All right?
She's fine!
Come close!
Here!
[classical music]
[laughs]
Oh, Paris.
London.
The Pyramids.
The Sphinx.
- The Sphinx!
You hear, kids?
Yeah!
I'm smelling lilacs.
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
"The Blue Danube."
I'm dancing.
Dancing!
What a wife!
What a mother!
[MUSIC - STRAUSS, "THE BLUE
DANUBE"]
- Mom?
- What did she do?
- Dad, make it stop.
- What's happening?
She's crying!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She can't be.
Laughing, maybe.
[clicking]
She's crying, papa.
Let me out.
Well, yes.
Maybe like a baby.
Leo, let me out!
Leo, let me out!
[zapping]
Let me out!
[creaking]
Oh!
Oh, Leo!
It's the saddest thing!
First there was Paris.
What's wrong with Paris?
Well, you got me
thinking, Paris.
So suddenly I want to
be in Paris and I'm not!
Well, it's almost as good.
No.
No, sitting there,
it's not real.
You had me dancing.
Saying Well, I haven't
danced in years.
Tomorrow night we'll dance.
Leo, you forgot.
Some hour, some day, we have
to climb out of that machine
and go back to dirty dishes.
Sure, while we're in there,
a sunset lasts forever.
And the air always smells
good and the temperature is--
is perfect.
But outside, Leo, the
children wait for lunch!
And let's be frank, Leo.
Who wants a sunset
to last forever?
Who wants perfect temperature?
After a while, who would notice?
People are like that, Leo.
Did you forget?
Did I?
You should never have
made quick things go slow
and stay around.
And you brought faraway
places to our backyard,
where they don't belong.
Where they just tell you, you'll
never travel, Lena Auffmann.
Paris, you'll never see!
Rome, you'll never visit.
But I always knew that, Leo.
So why tell me?
Make do.
Make do.
So what now, Lena?
That's not for me to say.
All I know, Leo, is as
long as this thing is here,
I'll want to come out.
And Saul will want to come
out, like he did last night.
And against our
judgment, we'll sit in it
and look at all those
far-away places.
And each time we'll cry.
And we'll be no fit family.
Auffmann?
Yes.
No.
11 Elm?
Yes.
No.
GARBAGE MAN: Is that it?
Yes.
No!
Do you want us
to take it away?
Yes!
No!
Children, let's go.
To-meh-to.
To-mah-to.
Thought so.
Come on.
[sighs]
[peaceful music]
Papa?
Saul.
Is that a sunset?
[birds chirping]
Yes, that is a sunset.
Good.
[peaceful music]
[buzzing]
[crackling]
I don't understand.
How could I be so wrong?
[machine whirs]
[sputtering]
[crackling]
[booms]
Papa!
It's going!
I know.
Look!
[loud beeping]
Papa!
The machine!
[booms]
Yes.
The machine.
[sparks crackle]
It's on fire!
- It's burning!
- Leo!
SAUL: Dad!
Call the fire department!
LEO: No.
In a minute.
How long you going
to stay out here?
You stay, Leo, look
in all the windows.
And then tell me
what we've got here.
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
LENA: Saul, is that the sun?
How beautiful.
Honey, let me see.
That's lovely.
[SLOW MUSIC, "BEAUTIFUL
DREAMER"]
You know what
we got here, Lena?
A happiness machine.
[peaceful music]