The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Tombstone - full transcript

[music playing]

[eerie music]

RAY BRADBURY: People ask,
where do you get your ideas?

Well, right here.

All of this is mine,
magician's toyshop.

I'm Ray Bradbury.

And this is--

[theme music]

[clanking]

[clanking continues]

[ominous music]



[clanking]

[tv blaring]

Have you got a room?

My wife and I. Yeah, Just
thought I might get lucky.

You kiddin'?

Smart ass.

[emory board scratching]

WOMAN: Nothing doing?

No.

Bad luck to bury
someone in the dark.

Where did you dig that one up?

It's true.

As true as the fact that
Mr. Walter smarty-pants Bean

landed us in Hicksville, USA,
without a roof over our heads.



There must be a room free now.

What do you mean?

The guy in the
hearse doesn't need it.

You watch your mouth,
mocking the dead.

Don't know where it could end.

In bed, I hope.

I am beat.

MAN: The last room.

You are lucky.

And no stairs to climb.

Couldn't be better.

I'll take these, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

[screams]

Are you all right, dear?

What on earth is go--

I am leaving, checking out.

Get my bill.

Mr. Whetmore, why?

Not why?

Y. It should it be a Y!

What a waste.

Here, follow-- follow me.

WOMAN: I feel it coming.

Tonight we will have
no fit place of repose.

Give it a rest, Leota.

We'll find a place, no problem.

That's three no
problems so far, Walter.

You lack patience, Leota.

For Walter Bean, a problem
posed is a problem solved.

What a lucky girl you were,
Leota, to find Mr. Right.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Always right.

Mr. meal ticket.

Don't forget that.

Mr. five-buck limit.

Even when you were salesman
of the year, in 1981.

This'll be the one.

You want to bet?

[country music]

[meowing]

[crow caws]

Leota!

We're in!

The room only
just fell vacant.

You were lucky.

I usually am.

It's only bad luck if
you broke it, Leota.

You haven't been here with
someone else, have you?

LANDLORD: Follow me.

Here we are.

[ominous music]

Great joke, Walter.

Guilty.

Ma'am?

Oh, you and him, huh?

Leota, I didn't--

You-- the tombstone?

First prize for observation.

He knows, I know, and
you are about to know,

I'm not moving into any
room with any dead man.

Leota--

Ma'am, you don't mean?

What, that there's a
dead body under there?

It says so doesn't it?

Give me a break, Leota.

This is crazy, even for you.

I won't sleep in any
room with any corpse.

Honey, get him out of here.

Tell her, will you?

Tell me, I didn't know.

This tombstone, Mrs. Bean,
of the finest black marble--

What is this, a sales pitch?

--belongs to Mr. Whetmore.

The name carved in that
finest black marble is White.

LANDLORD: Certainly,
that's the man's name

for whom the stone was carved.

And he is dead.

See there?

Dead and buried, right here.

It even smells like a cemetery.

LANDLORD: Mr. Whetmore, a
former tenant of this room--

He died too

--was an apprentice
to a marble cutter.

Oh dear me, he's even left
his hammer and chisel.

Was that his
funeral we saw today?

No, he-- he discouraged him.

What kind of an
affliction is that?

He made a mistake.

We all do.

Excepting Walter here.

White is the name
he has spelled wrong.

It Should be with a
Y, not an I, white.

Poor Mr. Whetmore.

He gave up, inferiority complex.

Careful.

That is an expression my
husband does not understand.

Walter, what are you commencing?

I am unpacking.

We're not staying.

Mr. Whetmore used to get
very upset when he made errors.

How refreshing.

Everything had
to be just right.

Got a letter once, Whettmore,
spelled with two T's.

Put it right back in
the mailbox, signed,

no such person living here.

Like Mr. White.

Right.

I've got some men coming
with a dolly who will remove

it first thing in the morning.

You won't mind sleeping here
one night with it, will you?

Of course not.

[laughter]

The little lady gets some
funny ideas sometimes.

[laughs]

See, Leota?

No dead man.

Very funny.

30 bucks, right?

Yeah.

I don't believe this.

Thanks, Mr. Bean.

Have a good night.

This is a haunt.

Goodnight.

Walter, like all
practical jokers,

you have a lousy sense of humor.

This is not funny.

It is nothing.

It's something left in
a perfectly OK room.

It's a piece of marble
with word on it.

I'm as surprised as you
are to find it here.

But it's not going
to ruin my night.

[ominous music]

I've got 200 miles
to travel tomorrow,

and then that pitch to Howard.

So please shut up.

I am going to sleep.

As usual.

I wouldn't bank
on that, Walter.

[ominous music]

[crickets chirping]

[clock chiming]

Mr. Whetmore, not looking for
your room back again, are you?

No.

I left my hammer and chisel.

I was so upset.

Yeah, I have them, right here.

I'm getting rid of the
stone in the morning.

Terribly waste.

A beautiful piece of marble.

A couple took your
room just after you left,

Mrs. and Mr. Bean.

Well, at least it
isn't going to waste.

Excuse me, is there
a pharmacy that would

still be open at this time?

Certainly, Madam.

Just opposite the
railway station.

Open till midnight.

Thank you.

LANDLORD: Your
husband, is he OK?

WOMAN: Oh, yes, thank you.

He'll be fine.

We just ran out of his medicine.

You know something?

I don't think he
likes waste either.

Who?

Mr. Bean?

You know him?

Not Mr. Bean.

He?

Capital H?

[eerie music]

OK, Leota, you're not coming
to bed, I get the message.

But please, put
out the damn light.

None of the three of us--

Three?

--will get any sleep tonight.

I don't believe you anymore.

LEOTA: That makes two of us.

[suspenseful music]

You're a cruel man, Walter.

You know that tombstone
really upsets me.

But you don't care.

Leota, if you can't
be sensible, be quiet.

[suspenseful music]

[loud thud]

[gasps]

[sighs]

Oh!

Sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

It is dark.

Goodnight.

Night.

WOMAN: It's only me, dear.

How do you feel?

[crickets chirping]

[slow creaking]

Good evening, ma'am.

Hi.

Is it OK if I cut some flowers?

Oh, I'm sure the
landlord won't mind.

It's good to see them
appreciated and put to use.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just waiting for someone.

Thanks.

[slow creaks]

[eerie music]

WALTER: Huh?

Why is the light still on?

What's going on?

Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadows of--

danger, yet I will
fear no evil--

What are you doing there?

No, sir, I shall not
step on your grave.

[peaceful music]

What in heaven's name
do you think you're doing?

No man's going to rest
easy with strangers sleeping

right on top of him, Walter.

I just made amends
with him, that's all,

flowered his bed so he wouldn't
lie around rubbing his bones

together late tonight.

[sighs]

Foolish woman.

[slow creaking]

[clock chiming]

[ominous music]

[slow creaking]

[clock chiming]

MAN: [DISTANT] Listen!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Walter?

Walter?
- What?

Wake up.
Wake up.

What?
What's wrong?

It's Mr. White.

He's starting to haunt us.

Oh, go to sleep, dammit.

It's true.

Listen to him.

[distant man sobbing]
- You hear?

You hear?

Shut up so I can hear.

WOMAN: [DISTANT] Please stop!

Don't go!

Please, you can't
leave me alone!

It's not--

Don't trip over the flowers.

Shut up.

MAN: [DISTANT] Dammit
woman, I can't help it!

You are the stupidest woman.

That's the man downstairs.

That's what I mean, Mr. White.

No, not Mr. White.

We have neighbors down under.

Listen.

WOMAN: What will
I do without you?

What's left for me?

Please, oh please!

It's the man's wife.

She's probably telling him not
to look at another man's wife.

Both of them, probably drunk.

[couple arguing]

You're lying.

It's a haunt, I tell you.

That dead man, Mr. White, hates
us for moving in with him.

WOMAN: No!

No!

MAN: Stop!

Stop!

Two drunks having a fight.

[loud knocking]

He's stirring in his coffin.

[moaning]

He's really mad at us, Walter.

If we don't get out
of here tonight,

we'll both be dead by tomorrow.

[ominous music]

[approaching footsteps]

Walter?

Believe me.

I really am scared.

Those footsteps didn't
come up any stairs.

They came up right through here.

Walter, he's forced his
way out of this tomb.

And he's trapped in
the air over our heads.

This is a
three-story building.

We have neighbors downstairs
who are having a fight.

And we have neighbors upstairs
who have just come in.

No.

No.

You don't understand.

Come on.

What are you doing?

We are going upstairs
to meet them folks.

No!

Then we're going downstairs
to tell that drunk and his wife

to shut up.
- Walter.

And you can tell them why
we have to prove who they are.

Shh.

[suspenseful music]

[knocks softly]

[WHISPERS] Don't
make me do this.

Shh.

[knocks softly]

Hello?

Hello?

[creaking]

[wind howling]

There aren't any neighbors.

Maybe it was the
landlord storing something.

Nothing living
walked up here, Walter.

Hello?

[cat snarls]

[gasps]

[door shuts]

Let me out!

Let me out!

Why, Mrs. Bean?

She thought she
heard something.

Must have good ears.

It was the damn cat.

I was doing my rounds,
heard a noise up here,

and she came shooting out!

Hey, hey, hey, maybe
that's what set her off.

She can split my teddy bears.

Black cats, they're serious.

[knocks]

WALTER: Leota?

This is your husband.

Walter?

[WITH ACCENT] The cat in
the ventilator, at a theater

near you.

You have been warned.

Stop it, Walter.

Do you want to
check downstairs now?

I'm not going down
into that grave.

[eerie music]

[quick footsteps]

[suspenseful music]

[footsteps]

[knocks on door]

[gasps]

[louder knocking]

What the--

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

My name is Mr. Whetmore.

Bean, Walter Bean.

- I went away.
- Yes?

And now I'm back.

I have just had the most
astonishing stroke of luck.

Is my tombstone still here?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

Hello again, ma'am.

Hi.

The flowers, what
a lovely idear.

Thanks.

I have got a dolly downstairs.

And if you don't mind, I will
take the tombstone out of here

at this very moment.

It won't take a minute.

Great, glad to be
rid of the damn thing.

Wheel her up.

Fine.

OK, Mr. Parks.

Come on up.

Hey, it's Mr. White again.

Come on in.

MR. WHETMORE: In here.

There she is.

[sighs]

The most amazing thing.

A short while ago, I was
lost, defeated, dejected.

Then a miracle happened.

A miracle?

Oh, yes.

Just half an hour since I
heard quite by chance of a Mr.

White, who had just died.

A Mr. White, mind you,
who spells his-- spelled

his name with an
I instead of a Y.

I have just contacted his wife.

And she is delighted that a
tombstone is already prepared.

I just have to add the epitaph.

Mr. White, not cold
more than 30 minutes

and spelling his name with an I?

Just think of it.

I'm so happy.

[creaking]

[door shuts]

Thank Goodness
that's finished with.

[eerie music]

[metal clanking]

[clanking echoes loudly]

[upbeat whistling]

LEOTA: Stop whistling.

There was a dead man down there.

WALTER: Give it up,
Leota, you lost.

Morning.

Morning.

The day shift?

You got it.

Did the landlord tell
you that I paid in advance?

Yes, he did.
And thank you, sir.

Good.

Room key.

Thank you.

Hi.

[ominous music]

[door creaking]

Excuse me?

Yes, ma'am.

You know the man who
was int in that room?

Uh-huh.

Must've check out.

Right.

I always advise the bereaved
to see how the stone will look

in its final resting place.

Is this satisfactory,
Mrs. White?

Yes, it is.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[honks horn]

[cat snarls]

You mean rat!

What'd you go and do that for?

Luck, I guess.

Luck.

[country music]

[eerie music]