The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 13 - Fee Fie Foe Fum - full transcript
A vicious prankster convinces his wife's mean old grandmother that he is planning to kill her and her pets and grind them up in the new garbage disposal that he bought for her.
[music playing]
[eerie music]
RAY BRADBURY: People ask,
where do you get your ideas?
Right here.
All this is mine,
magician's toyshop.
I'm Ray Bradbury.
And this is--
[theme music]
[smooth jazzy music]
[no audible dialogue]
[barking]
[growling]
Grandma!
[growls]
[whimpers]
[barks]
Now, you take care, you hear?
[meows]
Grandma, you're
not staying down?
He's back!
How's my favorite pastry cook
and defender and protector?
- Protector?
- Mhm.
- What is in the box?
- Present.
Where's grandma?
Upstairs, Tom, in her room.
Counting her money?
Where's that damn dog?
- Well, with her, I guess.
- Good.
Look, she sicked
him on me again.
[scoffs]
Old folks just
act funny sometimes.
Hilarious.
[sighs]
What the heck, Liddy.
It's her house.
Let her do what she wants to do.
And this is for the house.
This is my contribution.
open it.
Next time, both legs.
Say hello to Mr. Muncher.
Mr. who?
He eats these.
We have got a super-powered
kitchen garbage eater,
guaranteed to chew up anything.
I got these bones
to test it out.
Well, it must have cost a lot.
Where'd you get the money?
You're not the only person
that works around here.
I did a job for
Hoagie yesterday.
And he paid you with this?
I am looking for a new job.
Honest.
And it was not my fault that
Mulligan's house flooded!
His pipes were older than he is!
Hey, you're still
my favorite plumber.
That was real sweet of you
to bring Mr. Muncher home.
He's lovely.
Lovely?
Wait until you see this guy eat!
[garbage disposal runs]
That's it.
[disposal humming]
[growling]
Hey, Spot, look it here.
[whimpers]
Uh-uh!
You bite the hand
that feeds you.
See, we got a lion
in the house now.
Hear that, cat?
Yes sir, a real live lion.
[meowing]
Hear it purr?
She's hungry.
[meow]
[disposal grinding loudly]
[snarls]
[growling]
Oh!
[laughter]
[distant, distorted grinding]
[barking]
[laughter]
Oh, wow!
That's not a lion!
That's [inaudible]!
[cat snarls]
[barking]
Tom!
[laughs]
- Turn it off!
- No!
No!
Don't!
No!
[laughs maniacally]
[breathing heavily]
Grandma?
GRANDMA: Go away!
It's me.
I brought in dinner
for your sweethearts.
Just shove it in.
LIDDY: Grandma, I am sorry.
You're sorry?
I'm sorry!
The dog is sorry!
And you should see the cat.
LIDDY: Grandma, it's
only Mr. Muncher.
He's the garbage disposal.
Tom got it for me.
No!
For me!
To scare me!
To frighten me!
Put me in a mind to
have a heart attack.
Well, you took a
heart pill did you?
Yes!
I'm eating one right now.
A lot of good it'll
do me, if he's
hell bent to scare me to death!
[barking]
You tell her, Spot!
[barks]
There, you see?
Heart attacks!
LIDDY: Grandma, listen.
Tom loves you dearly.
Loves my house, my antiques,
and my mattress full of money.
That's what he loves dearly.
No, you've got it all wrong.
And we both worry about all
your money in your room.
Maybe you should
think about a bank.
Or maybe about spending
some on the house.
I mean, the bathroom, grandma.
I decide what I do with my
own money in my own house.
I have plans for it.
And if you had married
a responsible man,
you would be in
your own place now!
Grandma, listen!
Look, I'm sorry I let the
machine get out of hand.
GRANDMA: Too late for sorry!
What do you call
that damn machine?
You know me.
I'm always joking.
Look, you'll love it
when you get to know it.
It's just like a big house pet.
You know, I always
wanted a lion.
Well, now we got one.
How about that?
How about this?!
[barking]
Morning, ma'am, fine day.
Yeah, sure is.
Thanks.
Honey?
Should you get dressed
for your interview?
It's not until 11:00.
What's in the mail?
Oh, a couple of bills for
us and a letter for grandma.
Good luck.
You will slay them.
I know.
[birds chirping]
Well!
Fellas, is grandma
planning you a vacation?
[footsteps]
[knocking]
TOM: Grandma?
Liddy's gone to work.
You should try it.
TOM: The mailman
left you a letter.
It looks real important.
I thought you might want
to see it right away.
Shove it under the door!
TOM: Sure thing, grandma.
[slow music]
Got it, grandma?
Now, you better take care
with that new friend.
Or he could chew
your paws off, Spot.
Or you could chomp
your tail off, Maribel.
And you, there wouldn't even be
anything if you left, Sing Sam.
[grinding]
[laughter]
[knocks on door]
(DISTORTED) Grandma,
it's a lovely day.
You really should come
down and say hello
to your pets, and Mr. Muncher.
[ominous music]
See?
He's even purring for you.
Fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell
the blood of an Englishman.
Be she alive, or be
she dead, I'll grind
her bones to make my bread.
[garbled grinding]
[ominous music]
[engine starts]
[suspenseful music]
Maribel, you run ahead.
Make sure it's safe.
[barking]
[water gurgling]
[intermittent grinding]
[suspenseful music]
[distant bell rings]
[gurgling]
Down there, all
right, swallowed.
Poor Sam.
Sing, Sam!
Sing!
Grandma, come on.
Look, Sam's cage door
has come loose before.
He'll be back.
Then what is this?
One feather, grandma.
One.
And I'm next.
You?
He's out to grind my
bones and steal my money.
One day, you'll come back from
the market and I'll be gone.
And you'll never
see grandma again.
You know where they'll
unpack my bones!
Grandma.
Goodbye, grandma!
So long, forever!
[door shuts]
There's the hound of hell now.
Singing Sam, is he gone?
But where, lord help us.
Did you?
I cleaned his cage.
Uh-- the door must have
come loose again, that's it.
GRANDMA: Murderer!
I am worried about her heart.
Grandma, Sam's fine!
I'm sure of it!
Murderer!
Assassin!
Grandma, I love Singing Sam.
I love all of you.
You love my money!
But you're never
going to get it!
So scram!
It's us against him
now, sweetheart.
[meows]
Poor little Liddy.
She doesn't understand.
Courage, that's what we need.
Courage, huh, Spot?
Is that right, Maribel?
[meows]
Courage.
Courage.
TOM: Fee, fie, foe, fum!
I smell the blood
of an Englishman.
Be she alive, or be
she dead, I'll grind
her bones to make my bread.
[meowing]
[footsteps approach]
[knocks loudly]
Grandma!
How are you this morning?
I'll just tidy up downstairs.
You know, take care
of the animals.
Should be off in 15 minutes.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, be brave, my darlings.
Be brave.
[dog growling]
[thuds]
There's a good dog.
[grunts]
There's a good pussycat.
[grunting]
[loud thuds]
[bang]
[disposal grinding]
How did we ever manage
without Mr. Muncher?
Oh!
[laughs]
Woo!
[laughs]
Ah!
[gasping]
[sobbing]
[distorted grinding]
[ominous music]
Spot!
Here, Spot!
Here, kitty!
Kitty!
Kitty!
Kitty!
[smooching]
Maribel, where--
[gurgling]
Oh no.
Oh no.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Murderer!
Grandma's convinced she'll never
see Spotty or Maribel again.
GRANDMA: Serial pet killer!
You can't believe that, Liddy.
Well, when an old lady's
dog and black cat disappears,
and when she finds a piece of
fur next to the garbage eater,
she's entitled to think
something might be wrong.
Is it--
Can't you see
what she's doing?
I-- I mean, she's getting
crazier by the minute.
She put that fur by the sink.
[sobbing]
Look, she's trying to
turn you against me.
And it's working.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Tom.
All right.
[crickets chirping]
[ominous music]
Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.
[music playing]
Who have you
swallowed, Mr. Muncher?
What is in your fat
belly down there?
[creaking]
[suspenseful music]
[distant howling]
[suspenseful music]
[creaking]
[meowing]
[barking]
GRANDMA: Oh!
There you are, my little babies.
Grandma is here.
[meowing]
You just have to wait
a little while longer.
Mm.
[meowing]
[whimpering]
[knocks on door]
LIDDY: Morning, grandma!
here we are.
What do you want?
What's this, grandma?
$500.
Go on, take it!
But why?
I want you and Tom to
spend a weekend at the lake.
I need some time alone to
mourn for my sweet babies.
And I have some business
to take care of.
Business?
I'm establishing a Spot and
Maribel Memorial Foundation
at the Felix and Fido Home!
She's flipped.
I'll pack.
[ominous music]
LIDDY: Thanks, grandma!
[engine starts]
[car departs]
(SINGING) Won't you
come home, Bill Bailey?
Won't you come home?
[meows]
[humming]
[whimpers]
You just have to
trust me, babies.
(SINGING) Boom,
boom, boom, boom.
[ominous music]
[disposal grinding]
[gurgling]
TOM: Grandma?
Nice joke, huh?
Not bad.
Not bad.
I left Liddy
shopping at the mall.
Told her that I left my
favorite fishing lures.
Can you believe that?
Lures.
I can believe it.
Yeah.
They should be around
here somewhere.
Yeah, here they are.
So grandma, I hear
you're going east.
That's funny.
I heard you went west.
Sick him, Spot!
[barking]
[thud]
[barking]
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
TOM: Get off!
[laughs maniacally]
[grinding]
[screaming]
Tom!
[disposal humming]
Tom?
[bird chirping]
Grandma?
You know, Liddy, I
like this Mr. Muncher.
He's a fine fella.
[gurgling]
Fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell
the blood of an Englishman.
Morning!
That was some roaring, ma'am.
[laughs]
Sure was!
You want to see?
Come on in!
The house is empty!
They're all gone!
Your granddaughter
and her husband?
Skedaddled!
MAILMAN: I thought they were
sort of permanent residents?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
[door shuts]
[engine starts]
[car departs]
[distorted growling]
[tires squeal]
Lunchtime!
You want to feed Leo?
Leo?!
Yes!
Leo the Muncher, the
lion in my house!
Say howdy to the postman, Leo!
[grinding]
Howdy!
[grinding]
[soft jazzy music]
[eerie music]
RAY BRADBURY: People ask,
where do you get your ideas?
Right here.
All this is mine,
magician's toyshop.
I'm Ray Bradbury.
And this is--
[theme music]
[smooth jazzy music]
[no audible dialogue]
[barking]
[growling]
Grandma!
[growls]
[whimpers]
[barks]
Now, you take care, you hear?
[meows]
Grandma, you're
not staying down?
He's back!
How's my favorite pastry cook
and defender and protector?
- Protector?
- Mhm.
- What is in the box?
- Present.
Where's grandma?
Upstairs, Tom, in her room.
Counting her money?
Where's that damn dog?
- Well, with her, I guess.
- Good.
Look, she sicked
him on me again.
[scoffs]
Old folks just
act funny sometimes.
Hilarious.
[sighs]
What the heck, Liddy.
It's her house.
Let her do what she wants to do.
And this is for the house.
This is my contribution.
open it.
Next time, both legs.
Say hello to Mr. Muncher.
Mr. who?
He eats these.
We have got a super-powered
kitchen garbage eater,
guaranteed to chew up anything.
I got these bones
to test it out.
Well, it must have cost a lot.
Where'd you get the money?
You're not the only person
that works around here.
I did a job for
Hoagie yesterday.
And he paid you with this?
I am looking for a new job.
Honest.
And it was not my fault that
Mulligan's house flooded!
His pipes were older than he is!
Hey, you're still
my favorite plumber.
That was real sweet of you
to bring Mr. Muncher home.
He's lovely.
Lovely?
Wait until you see this guy eat!
[garbage disposal runs]
That's it.
[disposal humming]
[growling]
Hey, Spot, look it here.
[whimpers]
Uh-uh!
You bite the hand
that feeds you.
See, we got a lion
in the house now.
Hear that, cat?
Yes sir, a real live lion.
[meowing]
Hear it purr?
She's hungry.
[meow]
[disposal grinding loudly]
[snarls]
[growling]
Oh!
[laughter]
[distant, distorted grinding]
[barking]
[laughter]
Oh, wow!
That's not a lion!
That's [inaudible]!
[cat snarls]
[barking]
Tom!
[laughs]
- Turn it off!
- No!
No!
Don't!
No!
[laughs maniacally]
[breathing heavily]
Grandma?
GRANDMA: Go away!
It's me.
I brought in dinner
for your sweethearts.
Just shove it in.
LIDDY: Grandma, I am sorry.
You're sorry?
I'm sorry!
The dog is sorry!
And you should see the cat.
LIDDY: Grandma, it's
only Mr. Muncher.
He's the garbage disposal.
Tom got it for me.
No!
For me!
To scare me!
To frighten me!
Put me in a mind to
have a heart attack.
Well, you took a
heart pill did you?
Yes!
I'm eating one right now.
A lot of good it'll
do me, if he's
hell bent to scare me to death!
[barking]
You tell her, Spot!
[barks]
There, you see?
Heart attacks!
LIDDY: Grandma, listen.
Tom loves you dearly.
Loves my house, my antiques,
and my mattress full of money.
That's what he loves dearly.
No, you've got it all wrong.
And we both worry about all
your money in your room.
Maybe you should
think about a bank.
Or maybe about spending
some on the house.
I mean, the bathroom, grandma.
I decide what I do with my
own money in my own house.
I have plans for it.
And if you had married
a responsible man,
you would be in
your own place now!
Grandma, listen!
Look, I'm sorry I let the
machine get out of hand.
GRANDMA: Too late for sorry!
What do you call
that damn machine?
You know me.
I'm always joking.
Look, you'll love it
when you get to know it.
It's just like a big house pet.
You know, I always
wanted a lion.
Well, now we got one.
How about that?
How about this?!
[barking]
Morning, ma'am, fine day.
Yeah, sure is.
Thanks.
Honey?
Should you get dressed
for your interview?
It's not until 11:00.
What's in the mail?
Oh, a couple of bills for
us and a letter for grandma.
Good luck.
You will slay them.
I know.
[birds chirping]
Well!
Fellas, is grandma
planning you a vacation?
[footsteps]
[knocking]
TOM: Grandma?
Liddy's gone to work.
You should try it.
TOM: The mailman
left you a letter.
It looks real important.
I thought you might want
to see it right away.
Shove it under the door!
TOM: Sure thing, grandma.
[slow music]
Got it, grandma?
Now, you better take care
with that new friend.
Or he could chew
your paws off, Spot.
Or you could chomp
your tail off, Maribel.
And you, there wouldn't even be
anything if you left, Sing Sam.
[grinding]
[laughter]
[knocks on door]
(DISTORTED) Grandma,
it's a lovely day.
You really should come
down and say hello
to your pets, and Mr. Muncher.
[ominous music]
See?
He's even purring for you.
Fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell
the blood of an Englishman.
Be she alive, or be
she dead, I'll grind
her bones to make my bread.
[garbled grinding]
[ominous music]
[engine starts]
[suspenseful music]
Maribel, you run ahead.
Make sure it's safe.
[barking]
[water gurgling]
[intermittent grinding]
[suspenseful music]
[distant bell rings]
[gurgling]
Down there, all
right, swallowed.
Poor Sam.
Sing, Sam!
Sing!
Grandma, come on.
Look, Sam's cage door
has come loose before.
He'll be back.
Then what is this?
One feather, grandma.
One.
And I'm next.
You?
He's out to grind my
bones and steal my money.
One day, you'll come back from
the market and I'll be gone.
And you'll never
see grandma again.
You know where they'll
unpack my bones!
Grandma.
Goodbye, grandma!
So long, forever!
[door shuts]
There's the hound of hell now.
Singing Sam, is he gone?
But where, lord help us.
Did you?
I cleaned his cage.
Uh-- the door must have
come loose again, that's it.
GRANDMA: Murderer!
I am worried about her heart.
Grandma, Sam's fine!
I'm sure of it!
Murderer!
Assassin!
Grandma, I love Singing Sam.
I love all of you.
You love my money!
But you're never
going to get it!
So scram!
It's us against him
now, sweetheart.
[meows]
Poor little Liddy.
She doesn't understand.
Courage, that's what we need.
Courage, huh, Spot?
Is that right, Maribel?
[meows]
Courage.
Courage.
TOM: Fee, fie, foe, fum!
I smell the blood
of an Englishman.
Be she alive, or be
she dead, I'll grind
her bones to make my bread.
[meowing]
[footsteps approach]
[knocks loudly]
Grandma!
How are you this morning?
I'll just tidy up downstairs.
You know, take care
of the animals.
Should be off in 15 minutes.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, be brave, my darlings.
Be brave.
[dog growling]
[thuds]
There's a good dog.
[grunts]
There's a good pussycat.
[grunting]
[loud thuds]
[bang]
[disposal grinding]
How did we ever manage
without Mr. Muncher?
Oh!
[laughs]
Woo!
[laughs]
Ah!
[gasping]
[sobbing]
[distorted grinding]
[ominous music]
Spot!
Here, Spot!
Here, kitty!
Kitty!
Kitty!
Kitty!
[smooching]
Maribel, where--
[gurgling]
Oh no.
Oh no.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Murderer!
Grandma's convinced she'll never
see Spotty or Maribel again.
GRANDMA: Serial pet killer!
You can't believe that, Liddy.
Well, when an old lady's
dog and black cat disappears,
and when she finds a piece of
fur next to the garbage eater,
she's entitled to think
something might be wrong.
Is it--
Can't you see
what she's doing?
I-- I mean, she's getting
crazier by the minute.
She put that fur by the sink.
[sobbing]
Look, she's trying to
turn you against me.
And it's working.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Tom.
All right.
[crickets chirping]
[ominous music]
Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.
[music playing]
Who have you
swallowed, Mr. Muncher?
What is in your fat
belly down there?
[creaking]
[suspenseful music]
[distant howling]
[suspenseful music]
[creaking]
[meowing]
[barking]
GRANDMA: Oh!
There you are, my little babies.
Grandma is here.
[meowing]
You just have to wait
a little while longer.
Mm.
[meowing]
[whimpering]
[knocks on door]
LIDDY: Morning, grandma!
here we are.
What do you want?
What's this, grandma?
$500.
Go on, take it!
But why?
I want you and Tom to
spend a weekend at the lake.
I need some time alone to
mourn for my sweet babies.
And I have some business
to take care of.
Business?
I'm establishing a Spot and
Maribel Memorial Foundation
at the Felix and Fido Home!
She's flipped.
I'll pack.
[ominous music]
LIDDY: Thanks, grandma!
[engine starts]
[car departs]
(SINGING) Won't you
come home, Bill Bailey?
Won't you come home?
[meows]
[humming]
[whimpers]
You just have to
trust me, babies.
(SINGING) Boom,
boom, boom, boom.
[ominous music]
[disposal grinding]
[gurgling]
TOM: Grandma?
Nice joke, huh?
Not bad.
Not bad.
I left Liddy
shopping at the mall.
Told her that I left my
favorite fishing lures.
Can you believe that?
Lures.
I can believe it.
Yeah.
They should be around
here somewhere.
Yeah, here they are.
So grandma, I hear
you're going east.
That's funny.
I heard you went west.
Sick him, Spot!
[barking]
[thud]
[barking]
[suspenseful music]
[growling]
TOM: Get off!
[laughs maniacally]
[grinding]
[screaming]
Tom!
[disposal humming]
Tom?
[bird chirping]
Grandma?
You know, Liddy, I
like this Mr. Muncher.
He's a fine fella.
[gurgling]
Fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell
the blood of an Englishman.
Morning!
That was some roaring, ma'am.
[laughs]
Sure was!
You want to see?
Come on in!
The house is empty!
They're all gone!
Your granddaughter
and her husband?
Skedaddled!
MAILMAN: I thought they were
sort of permanent residents?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
[door shuts]
[engine starts]
[car departs]
[distorted growling]
[tires squeal]
Lunchtime!
You want to feed Leo?
Leo?!
Yes!
Leo the Muncher, the
lion in my house!
Say howdy to the postman, Leo!
[grinding]
Howdy!
[grinding]
[soft jazzy music]