The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 9 - Exorcism - full transcript

[mysterious music playing]

RAY BRADBURY: People ask,
where do you get your ideas?

Right here.

All this is my
magician's toy shop.

I'm Ray Bradbury, and this is--

[gentle, upbeat music playing]

Sam Brown, you old fox.

Is that book for me?

Clara, I didn't see you there.

Well no, I expect you didn't.

Well, I asked you a question.



Is that for me?

No, no.

Nothing-- nothing
for you at all.

Aw, that's a pity.

I was expecting my
Albertus Magnus.

Who?

Just a little old book like
the others you brought me.

If you should find
it in your bag,

if you just bring it along,
I'll fix you a cup of coffee.

Uh, no.
Yep.

Right.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

See y'all later now, hear?



[elmira screaming]

ELMIRA BROWN: Tom!

Tom, come help!

Come quick!

Quick!

I'll get you a
Band-aid, Mrs. Brown.

Make it a big one.

I swear this cut looks
like the Grand Canyon.

Hurry up, and don't
forget the iodine!

Ira.

Oh, Sam, you startled me.

Sorry.

I'm still not used to my
husband being a postman.

Every time you walk in it
scares the life out of me.

You hurt yourself
again, Elmira?

Coconut cake was
all I was after

and the darn knife slipped.

I don't know what's
happening to me lately.

You got to learn to
be more careful, Elmira.

You've finished
with that lawn, son?

Seems to me like there was
mighty long grass still showing

when I came up the path.

You're home early.

- Can't stay.
- Well, spit it out.

What's wrong?

Maybe nothing.

Maybe lots.

What's this?

Just a book I was supposed
to deliver to Clara Goodwater.

Clara Goodwater?

Now don't get your
dander up, it's my job.

Hm.

Albertus Magnus.

"White and Black Art
For Man and Beast.

Revealing the forbidden
knowledge and mysteries

of ancient philosophers."

Go on.

While walking along, I
had a good chance to peek

at the front pages.

No harm in that.

Hidden secrets
of life unveiled

by that celebrated philosopher,
chemist, naturalist,

astrologer, alchemist, sorcerer,
metallurgist of the mysteries

of wizards and witchcraft.

Together with
the recondite views

of various arts and sciences,
obscure, plain, practical.

Clara Goodwater.

She got another just
like this last week.

Looked me right in the
eye when I handed it over

and said, going to be a witch.

Set up business.

Hex crowds and individuals,
old and young, big and small.

I gotta get going.

You take care, Elmira.

A witch.

I knew it.

You there, Tom.

You go to Sunday
School and everything?

Yes'm.

You believe in the Lord and
the goodness of righteousness?

- Yes'm.
- Good.

You come with me.

I need you for moral support.

The equivalent of the blood
of the lamb to be with me.

You sure look bad, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, you don't know
what mad is, boy.

Watch out!

Mrs. Brown, are you all right?

You see?

Clara Goodwater did this
to me with her magic.

Her magic?

There's her house.

You go in and kick any
invisible wires out of the way.

Go on, go.

Hurry up.

Now, you go ring the bell.

But pull your finger back quick.

That juice'll burn
you to a cinder.

Stop!

[doorbell rings]

Clara Goodwater, I
know you're in there.

Hello there, Tom.

Elmira, what can I do for you?

We come over on
account of you're

practicing to be a
full fledged witch.

Oh, I see.

Your husband's not just a
mailman, he's a newscaster.

Got a nose out to here
and a mouth to go with it.

He didn't look at no male,

Elmira, honey, everybody knows
he's 10 minutes between houses,

laughing at postcards and
trying on mail order shoes.

Why else do you think he's so
long coming home every day?

It ain't what he seen.

It's what you yourself
told him about these books

you've been getting.

Tom, honey, you
run along, hear?

Mrs. Brown and I are going
to have a cup of tea.

Come on, Elmira.

Take a load off your feet.

Tom, you wait
right here, you hear?

And if I'm not out of here
by 3:00, you call Mr. Brown.

[door closes]

[cat miaowing]

I should have been invited
to the Lady's Club lunch

yesterday.

Well lady, we thought
that was your regular day

with your grandma.

I can always have
another day with grandma,

if people only ask me places.

Well all there was
to it at the club

was me, sitting there with
my ham and pickle sandwich.

Joking out loud,
at last I'm going

to get my witch's diploma.

Been studying for it for years.

That's what come back
to me over the phone.

Ain't modern
inventions wonderful?

I'm going to put it to
you bang on the nose, Clara.

Considering you been
president of the Lady's Lodge

since the Civil
War, it would seem,

have you been using
your witchcraft

to influence and hypnotize
the ladies to get their votes?

Maybe.

Well, election's
tomorrow again.

And all I want to know is, you
fixing to run another term?

And ain't you ashamed?

Yes to the first question
and no to the second.

Now you look here, Elmira.

I bought these books
for my nephew, Raul.

He's just 10 years old,
goes around looking

in hats for rabbits.

I told him there's about as
much chance of finding rabbits

in hats as there is in
finding brains in the heads

of certain people I could name.

But he does.

And so I bought
these gifts for him.

Wouldn't believe you on
a stack of bibles, lady.

It's the holy truth, anyway.

I love to fun about
the witch thing.

The ladies all yodel when I
explain about my black powers.

I wish you'd been there.

But how much magic
junk you got here?

Magic herbs, please.

They smell funny, but hear
tell they do amazing things.

This is thesis rhode.

This here is Ebon herb.

And black sulphur.

[sniffs] Now, what's this?

Bone dust!

Bone dust?

And wormwood and
frond leaves so you

can freeze shotguns and fly
like a bat in your dreams.

It says in chapter x of the book
you're holding in your hand.

I'm onto you now,
Clara Goodwater.

And I'm going to be fighting you
tomorrow with a cross of gold

and all the powers of good
I can organize around me.

Now you listen here, Elmira.

You want to be
president of the Lady's

Honeysuckle Harmony Lodge.

You have been running every
year now for 10 years.

You always nominate
yourself and wind

up getting one vote-- yours.

Honey, if the ladies wanted
you, they'd landslide you in.

But from where I stand, looking
up the mountain, ain't so much

as one pebble come
rattling down save yours.

Because you keep casting
your spells all these years.

Will I'll tell
you what I'll do.

I'll nominate you and vote for
you myself come noon tomorrow.

How's that?

Be damned for sure, then.

Am

Now Elmira, stop carrying on
like this, an empty cathedral

between those ears of yours.

The ladies don't want you.

It's as plain as the
nose on your face.

ELMIRA BROWN: Really?

Then how come last
year at election time

I caught a deathly cold
and wasn't up to par?

And the year before
that I broke my leg.

Mighty strange, don't you think?

And that's not all.

Last month I cut my
finger six times,

bruised my knee 10 times,
fell off my back porch twice,

broke a window, dropped four
plates, and knocked over

a vase worth $8.50 at Bixby's.

And I'm billing you for
every penny from now on.

Well I'll be
poor by Christmas.

Elmira, everybody knows
you are the clumsiest woman

this side of the Mississippi.

Maybe the whole state,
if we took a poll.

You can't sit down
without playing

a chair like an accordion.

You can't stand up for
what you kick the cat.

And you can't trot
across an open field

without falling into a well.

It's not clumsiness
that causes my calamities.

It's you being
within a mile of me.

Oh, lady.

In a town this size everybody
is within a mile of someone

or t'other during the day.

Huh!

You admit to being around, then.
I knew it.

You have pushed
me to far, Elmira.

I wasn't interested
in witchcraft,

but now I think I'm
going to look into it.

In fact, you are
invisible right now.

While you were standing
there I put a spell on you.

You are clean out of sight!

Oh!

You're pulling my leg, Clara.

There I am.

Ah!

Clara Goodwater,
you did this to me!

I haven't had a gray hair
in my life 'til this second.

Put it in a jar
of still-water,

be an angleworm come morning.

Oh, Elmira, look at
yourself at last, won't you?

All these years blaming others
for your matted feet and

floated ways.

Did you ever read Shakespeare?

There's little stage
directions in there.

Alarms and excursions.

That's you, Elmira.

Alarms and excursions.

Now you get on home before I
read the bumps on your head

and predict gas
for you at night.

Oh!

Go on, shoo.

Get out, go!

Oh!

Shoo!

Oh!

Shoo!

My, the flies are
thick this summer.

The line is drawn,
Clara Goodwater!

Withdraw your candidacy from
the Lady's Honeysuckle Harmony

Lodge, or come face to face
with me tomorrow when I

run for office and win the day!

You're coming with
me tomorrow, Tom.

A good and innocent boy, and
innocence will win the day.

Don't count on
me being innocent.

My mom says--
- Oh, shut up, Tom.

Good is good.

And you're going to be
thereat my right hand, boy.

Yes'm.

Ooh, if I could
live through the night

with that woman making
wax dummies of me

and shoving rusty needles
through the very heart

and soul of them.
- Mrs. Brown, Look out!

[horn honking]

[clock ticking, snoring]

What's the matter, Mira?

Can't sleep?

Look.

Just look here at the
things she has done to me.

January 5, almost
scalded to death.

Too hot bath water.

Uh-huh.

February 1, whiplash.

The clothesline snapped.

March 10, the garden hose
chased me all around the yard.

Sam, you listening to me?

I hear you, Mira.

April 10, burnt dinner again.

Stubbed toe.

$10,000 at least.

Try to settle that out of
court, Mrs. Clara Goodwater.

Eh?

I simply refuse
to lie down and die.

What's that, Mira?

I won't die.

That's what I always claimed.

[alarm ringing]

[elmira screaming]

You all right, Mira?

This is the last straw.

There's only one thing to do.

Good lord, looks like
a milkshake's been left

out in the sun for 40 years.

You intending to drink that?

Just before I
go into the Lady's

Lodge for the big doings.

Take my advise, Elmira,
and get up those steps first.

Then drink it.
- Uh-huh.

What's in it?

Snow from Angel's wings.

Well menthol, really, to cool
hell's fires that burn you.

It's right there in the
book I got from the library.

And juice from a fresh
grape off the vine.

Elmira, I think this
heat's gone to your head.

It's for thinking
clear, sweet thoughts

in the face of dark visions.

Good against bad, white
against black, I can't lose.

But if you win,
will you know it?

[elmira groaning]

OK.

Here, hold on.

Quick, quick.

OK.

All right.

There we go.

[women talking indistinctly]

Ladies, let's
please be seated.

[crowd murmuring]

Agnes, morning.

Ladies, ladies, please.

We have a meeting.

Please come to order.

Oh, my.

Ladies, it's election time.

But before we begin, I do
believe Miss Brown, wife

of our eminent graphologist--

Graphologist?

Wife, as I say, of our eminent
handwriting expert, Mr. Samuel

Brown of the US Postal Service.

Miss Brown wants to
give us some opinions.

Miss Brown?

[crowd murmuring]

[elmira groans]

I've got plenty to say.

I know what you have been
through all these years,

and I have come to
put an end to it.

You know what was in
this thermos, lady?

It's inside me, now.

The charmed circle surrounds me.

No knife can cleave, no
hatchet can break through.

Ladies, I know now why you
voted for Clara Goodwater, here.

You all have families to
feed and budgets to follow.

You can't afford to
have your milk turn sour

or your bread go stale or
your cake fall flat as wheels.

You don't want
mumps or chicken pox

or whooping cough all winter.

You didn't want your
husbands crashing their cars

or electrocuting themselves
during home repairs.

But now that's over.

You don't need to
worry any more.

We are going to exorcise
the witch in our midst.

[crowd gasping, laughing]

Who is she talking about?

I mean your president here!

Me over here.

[laughter]

Uh, yesterday I
went to the library

and I read up on how to
make a witch go away.

How to fight for our salvation.

Well, I can feel
the power growing.

I got all kinds of
good magic inside of me

now from good roots
and chemicals.

[burps]

Are you all right, Elmira?

I'm feeling fine.

So ladies, Clara Goodwater
has no more power over us.

Now quick, let's
have the election!

All those in favor of Clara
Goodwater, raise their hands

and say aye.

(CHORAL SINGING) Aye.

All those in favor
of Elmira Brown?

Me.

[crowd murmuring]

I have to leave
the room, excuse me.

Are you all right, Mira?

[fast-tempo music playing]

No, ma'am.

The other door!

[elmira screaming]

Miss Brown!

Oh, Mira, honey, don't die.

You hear, Mira?

You mustn't die.

I promise you, there
won't be any more cutting

fingers or falling
on dogs and dropping

chandeliers and chairs.

And listen, if you just,
just open your eyes,

sit up and live, we'll
have another election.

Isn't that right, ladies?

(CHORAL SINGING) Yes, oh yes.

You hear that, Elmira?

Oh honey, you are the new
president of the Lady's

Honeysuckle Harmony Lodge.

Is that true?

(CHORAL SINGING)
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ahh.

[applause]

Take that, Tom.

Go tell Mr. Brown.

Tell him go on.

(LADIES SINGING) For
she's a jolly good fellow,

for she's a jolly good fellow.

For she's a jolly good
fellow, which nobody can deny.

Which nobody can deny,
which nobody can deny.

For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's a jolly good fellow.

For she's a jolly good
fellow, which nobody can deny.

Which nobody can deny,
which nobody can deny.

For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's a jolly good fellow.

For she's a jolly good
fellow, which nobody can deny.

[intense music playing]