The Ray Bradbury Theater (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Coffin - full transcript
When the eccentric millionaire Charles Braling takes all his savings to his manor and builds a glass coffin, his greedy brother Richard Braling mocks him. Charles dies and in the will, Richard may have the mansion and all his savings if he finds where it is hidden. Richard finds the money in the coffin, but it's not as easy as it first seemed.
[music playing]
RAY BRADBURY
(VOICEOVER): People ask,
where do you get your ideas?
Well, right here.
All this is my
Martian landscape.
Somewhere in this room
is an African veldt.
Just beyond, perhaps, is a small
Illinois town where I grew up.
And I'm surrounded on every
side by my magician's toy shop.
I'll never starve here.
I just look around, find
what I need, and begin.
I'm Ray Bradbury, and this is--
[music playing]
Well, then, right
now, what shall it be?
Out of all this, what do
I choose to make a story?
I never know where the
next one will take me.
The trip-- exactly
one half exhilaration,
exactly one half terror.
[music playing]
The goods arrived.
[beeping]
Splendid.
Boxes to the south room, please.
[beep]
[whirring]
[music playing]
[rattling]
[coughing]
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
SINJIN: I cannot think
this is wise, Charles.
All your money and
valuables-- why here?
Why not let them
remain in the bank?
What I have I wish
to hold, Sinjin--
close to me, to the end.
As you wish, Charles.
I only hope it will be safe.
It will be.
Rest assured.
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
[inaudible]
Answer that door.
What do you want?
[music playing]
Oh, oh.
Morning.
Morning.
[music playing]
[coughing]
CHARLES: What do you want?
You know I always pop by
each week to see how you are.
Your attendance
here, Richard, is
prompted by one of two motives.
Plan A, to see if I'm dead.
Plan B, if I am,
unhappily, still living,
to touch me for some money.
Well, with your bank account,
what's a few pounds either way?
And blood is thicker
than water, old man.
CHARLES: I'm not
your old man, and I
hate to think I'm your brother.
Goodbye.
Old Ebenezer Scrooge.
Why don't you add bah,
humbug, while you're at it?
Was that Sinjin Court
I just saw leaving?
It was.
Are you seeing our lawyer?
Can they cut me out of the will?
Assuming you were
in it to start with.
What are you up to?
I'm busy dying,
if you must know.
Then what's, uh--
I'm building my coffin.
But you can't die, Charles.
Who would I have to hate then?
And brilliant inventor
though I may not be,
this doesn't look
like coffin building.
CHARLES: But it is--
a very special, fine,
incredibly creative coffin.
Well, wouldn't it be
cheaper to buy one, old chum?
I mean, I know
you're a tightwad,
but this is ridiculous.
CHARLES: Nowhere in the world
is there a coffin like this.
No one in the world has ever
thought of, let alone built,
an incredible
coffin of this sort.
Don't meddle!
You oaf!
Poor old Charles,
you've finally flipped.
Building a rocket to fly him
to the funny farm in the sky.
It's too big for a coffin.
It must be eight or nine feet
long, so if it is a coffin,
it's obviously not
for you, old man.
No?
Heh heh heh.
It's too thick, too high.
Maybe for someone of
300 pounds or more,
but not for a decrepit
old bag of bones like you.
[chuckles]
What's this, the lid?
Who ever heard of a
coffin with a window?
What's the good of that?
Do you want to look out of
it for the next 10,000 years?
I might, if I had a mind to.
Tapes?
A tape player?
Could be.
Well, I'll be damned.
I hope so.
When do you leave, Richard?
Well, truth to
tell, old boy, I
thought I might
stay for a while,
give you the pleasure
of my company.
Do you mind?
- Yes.
Because it must be
quite lonely of you
here rattling
around on your own,
with just that silly
little tin can for company.
Some company I can
do without, thank you.
Yes.
Yes, you never did
get over it, did
you, all those years ago now?
Please go, Richard.
She fancied the younger man.
You can't blame me for that.
Girl in her 20s and you nearly
50 was never going to work,
was it?
Leave my house.
Oh, yes, my house.
You never miss a chance of
ramming that down my throat,
do you?
It was left to both of
us, if you remember.
And remember,
you sold up to me.
Gambling debt, wasn't it?
Had to stop some friendly
villain nailing your feet
to the floor, as I recall.
Oh, there's no question of my
dear brother giving the money.
Oh, no, Mr. Firm But Fair had
to screw me and take me for--
Take?
Take?
You're the taker all your
miserable life-- our mother,
money, clothes, booze, cars.
And then Angela.
You could never forgive
me for Angela, could you?
Get out, Richard.
Leave you to it, old boy.
Get my bag out of the car,
plug myself in the usual place,
just fancy waiting around.
See what you're up to.
[music playing]
[honking]
[beeping]
[music playing]
Dearly beloved--
Double, damn you, double!
[inaudible]
[inaudible] away.
[inaudible]
[beeping]
He's a miser, you know--
no use for his loot.
But he won't let me
get near it, because I
know how to enjoy life.
Never forgiven me for it.
[humming]
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
Left hand.
One, two, three--
right turn, front door.
Yes, I reckon you're making
your exit just in time.
You're barking mad, old man--
barking.
Help yourself to
another drink, Richard.
Son of the [inaudible].
[music playing]
[beeping]
ROBOT: Stand by [inaudible].
85 yards to the clearing.
[music playing]
[coughing]
[music playing]
[coughing]
CHARLES: Richard, could
you come up alone, please?
[music playing]
[coughing]
The fact is, Richard,
I feel the end is nigh.
[clears throat]
As the padres say,
time to let bygones.
No use scrapping all
the way to the grave.
Lend a hand with this, uh, lid.
For your coffin?
Anytime.
So, dear brother,
isn't she beautiful?
My last, my most
wonderful invention.
What's so bloody marvelous
about this heap of junk anyway?
Watch-- open sesame.
[music playing]
Oh, nice, thank you.
Cheers.
The whole caboodle is
just about the dumbest
thing I've ever seen.
Dumb?
Well, what use is it?
Are you going to sell a million?
No way.
You're dead, and you're
in it, and you're dumb.
CHARLES: Dumb.
And no one's
going to miss you.
You always had to buy
affection, didn't you?
Never had any real friends.
They were just after your
money, just like Angela.
Angela never loved you.
Get out.
Get out, Richard.
RICHARD: What?
CHARLES: Get out.
RICHARD: No.
Get out.
[music playing]
[thud]
[music playing]
[beeping]
Sorry, old man.
I guess the truth hurts.
[honk]
Daddy's blown a fuse.
[beeping]
No, no, no, no, no.
RICHARD: Keep this to
ourselves for the time being,
sell the bits for something.
What are you doing?
Throw you in as well.
Might make a few quid.
[inaudible]
[crash]
[music playing]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
YATES (ON PHONE): Hello.
I'm Yates of O'Connor,
O'Connor, and Yates,
the funeral directors.
Oh yes, you--
you collected my brother's body.
YATES (ON PHONE):
Uh, remains, yes.
You haven't come down to
pick out the casket as yet,
and I thought--
Just an ordinary bask--
uh, casket, thank you.
YATES (ON PHONE): Simple pine?
Yes.
Pine is fine.
YATES (ON PHONE):
And the service, sir?
No services, thank you.
No, he-- he would have
preferred it that way.
[music playing]
Charles asked me
to read this missive
containing details of his will.
Fine, fine.
He thanks you for taking care
of the funeral arrangements
and for ensuring
his burial in what
he describes as
the Charles Braling
Pomp and Circumstance coffin.
No doubt you understand
the reference?
[inaudible] family joke?
- And--
SINJIN: Oh, yes, indeed.
Uh, item one, the aforesaid
coffin now being underground--
occupied-- Charles
wishes that you
should yet be able to
profit from the invention.
Drawings and circuitry details
have been left with me,
uh, in a separate envelope.
Item two, the house
is left to you.
Well, of course.
We were-- we were very--
very close.
However, I should advise you
that this part of the legacy
is not as advantageous
as it might seem.
Oh?
I fear the death duties
payable on the estate
are punitively high.
They may absorb the total
present value of the property.
Oh, charming.
SINJIN: However, Charles
provides in item three--
He does?
All monies and
valuables within the house
are left to you.
Oh, nice, nice.
Have you been round this place?
Mother Hubbard was never in it.
Mr. Charles further
authorizes me to inform you
of certain banking processes
which I undertook on his behalf
just prior to his death.
- Go on.
Go on.
SINJIN: On Mr.
Charles' instructions
I withdrew from the
bank the entire balance.
Which was?
Rather in excess
of 750,000 pounds.
Good lord.
SINJIN: He also
instructed me to secure
the safe deposit box for him.
In it were items of jewelry once
purchased for the young lady
in mind, I believe.
These were insured
for 550,000 pounds.
I must advise you, Mr.
Richard, that to the best
of my knowledge, this fortune
must be within the house.
It's a most irregular state
of affairs, but there we are.
Your brother would have
had it no other way.
And that's really
all there is to it,
except that he closes in
the following manner--
"Cheerio, then, Rich.
No hard feelings.
In the grave, there
is forgiveness.
May you live long to enjoy your
yo, ho, ho, bottles of rum."
[music playing]
CHARLES: All right,
you old skinflint.
Where's the beer money?
Where is it?
15 men on a dead man's chest.
Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.
15 men on a--
[music playing]
--dead man's chest.
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest!
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Chest!
[inaudible]
[beeping]
You old Viking warrior, planned
to take it all with you.
Ha, sorry Charles, but
this needs looking into.
Secret compartment
for the loot--
I'll be bound.
Open sesame.
[humming]
A-ha.
[laughter]
Ah.
Now this coffin
begins to make sense.
[chuckles]
Huh?
Place body in coffin.
Music will-- uh,
all right, Charles.
I'll be your guest.
Music while I work--
bum ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dum.
That's it, folks.
I'll be with you
again in the morning.
[laughter]
[music playing]
Ah.
[music playing]
The family is gathering
for the funeral.
How nice.
OK, hold on.
One, two--
CHARLES: Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here on this sad day
to pay our respects to one
who will be sorely missed
from the center of our lives.
That's Charles' voice.
The old son of a
gun is delivering
a funeral sermon on himself.
I mean, really.
CHARLES: In his
life, he was a cad,
a bounder, and a
no-good, a villain,
a terror, and a layabout fiend.
Oh.
Goodness, he didn't think
much of himself, did he?
I mean--
CHARLES: So it is
with great relief
that we finally say goodbye.
Bye.
CHARLES: To this awful man--
Yes, awful man.
CHARLES: Richard Braling.
Richard Braling.
CHARLES: Yes, Richard Braling.
Hold on--
That's the wrong name--
CHARLES: Yes, indeedy.
Surprise, surprise.
That's-- stop--
stop it, Charles.
That's enough of this joke.
CHARLES: You always were
a curious devil, Richard,
but I counted on that.
If a bottle read drink
me, you drank it.
If a box read eat me, you
eat whatever was in the box.
And if a box maybe
contained some loot,
well, now, I just knew that if
I put instructions in the coffin
to start music,
place body in coffin,
you couldn't resist playing
the body, playing dead.
Well played, Richard.
Well done.
And now on with the
funeral overture.
Stop it Charles.
Enough.
Stop it!
CHARLES: Attention!
[whirring]
Born in 1935, my
brother, younger
by some 20 years, Richard
Braling, never was, never--
[music playing]
Never would be anything.
A gaseous cipher,
a bother, a pest,
a borrower and never a lender.
He is well out of the world.
We celebrate his passing.
[music playing]
My God.
Can anyone hear me?
[music playing]
Whack on the lid.
Break the glass.
[banging]
CHARLES: No tantrums,
please, brother.
[music playing]
Calmness, serenity,
quiet-- sweet, sweet, calm.
There now.
Ashes to ashes.
[whirring]
Dust to dust.
[whirring]
[music playing]
Well, Richard, I doubt very much
we'll meet in the next world.
Requiescat in pace.
[bell ringing]
RICHARD: Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Chest, chest.
[laughter]
[music playing]
Bye-bye Richard.
Goodbye.
[music playing]
RAY BRADBURY
(VOICEOVER): People ask,
where do you get your ideas?
Well, right here.
All this is my
Martian landscape.
Somewhere in this room
is an African veldt.
Just beyond, perhaps, is a small
Illinois town where I grew up.
And I'm surrounded on every
side by my magician's toy shop.
I'll never starve here.
I just look around, find
what I need, and begin.
I'm Ray Bradbury, and this is--
[music playing]
Well, then, right
now, what shall it be?
Out of all this, what do
I choose to make a story?
I never know where the
next one will take me.
The trip-- exactly
one half exhilaration,
exactly one half terror.
[music playing]
The goods arrived.
[beeping]
Splendid.
Boxes to the south room, please.
[beep]
[whirring]
[music playing]
[rattling]
[coughing]
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
SINJIN: I cannot think
this is wise, Charles.
All your money and
valuables-- why here?
Why not let them
remain in the bank?
What I have I wish
to hold, Sinjin--
close to me, to the end.
As you wish, Charles.
I only hope it will be safe.
It will be.
Rest assured.
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
[inaudible]
Answer that door.
What do you want?
[music playing]
Oh, oh.
Morning.
Morning.
[music playing]
[coughing]
CHARLES: What do you want?
You know I always pop by
each week to see how you are.
Your attendance
here, Richard, is
prompted by one of two motives.
Plan A, to see if I'm dead.
Plan B, if I am,
unhappily, still living,
to touch me for some money.
Well, with your bank account,
what's a few pounds either way?
And blood is thicker
than water, old man.
CHARLES: I'm not
your old man, and I
hate to think I'm your brother.
Goodbye.
Old Ebenezer Scrooge.
Why don't you add bah,
humbug, while you're at it?
Was that Sinjin Court
I just saw leaving?
It was.
Are you seeing our lawyer?
Can they cut me out of the will?
Assuming you were
in it to start with.
What are you up to?
I'm busy dying,
if you must know.
Then what's, uh--
I'm building my coffin.
But you can't die, Charles.
Who would I have to hate then?
And brilliant inventor
though I may not be,
this doesn't look
like coffin building.
CHARLES: But it is--
a very special, fine,
incredibly creative coffin.
Well, wouldn't it be
cheaper to buy one, old chum?
I mean, I know
you're a tightwad,
but this is ridiculous.
CHARLES: Nowhere in the world
is there a coffin like this.
No one in the world has ever
thought of, let alone built,
an incredible
coffin of this sort.
Don't meddle!
You oaf!
Poor old Charles,
you've finally flipped.
Building a rocket to fly him
to the funny farm in the sky.
It's too big for a coffin.
It must be eight or nine feet
long, so if it is a coffin,
it's obviously not
for you, old man.
No?
Heh heh heh.
It's too thick, too high.
Maybe for someone of
300 pounds or more,
but not for a decrepit
old bag of bones like you.
[chuckles]
What's this, the lid?
Who ever heard of a
coffin with a window?
What's the good of that?
Do you want to look out of
it for the next 10,000 years?
I might, if I had a mind to.
Tapes?
A tape player?
Could be.
Well, I'll be damned.
I hope so.
When do you leave, Richard?
Well, truth to
tell, old boy, I
thought I might
stay for a while,
give you the pleasure
of my company.
Do you mind?
- Yes.
Because it must be
quite lonely of you
here rattling
around on your own,
with just that silly
little tin can for company.
Some company I can
do without, thank you.
Yes.
Yes, you never did
get over it, did
you, all those years ago now?
Please go, Richard.
She fancied the younger man.
You can't blame me for that.
Girl in her 20s and you nearly
50 was never going to work,
was it?
Leave my house.
Oh, yes, my house.
You never miss a chance of
ramming that down my throat,
do you?
It was left to both of
us, if you remember.
And remember,
you sold up to me.
Gambling debt, wasn't it?
Had to stop some friendly
villain nailing your feet
to the floor, as I recall.
Oh, there's no question of my
dear brother giving the money.
Oh, no, Mr. Firm But Fair had
to screw me and take me for--
Take?
Take?
You're the taker all your
miserable life-- our mother,
money, clothes, booze, cars.
And then Angela.
You could never forgive
me for Angela, could you?
Get out, Richard.
Leave you to it, old boy.
Get my bag out of the car,
plug myself in the usual place,
just fancy waiting around.
See what you're up to.
[music playing]
[honking]
[beeping]
[music playing]
Dearly beloved--
Double, damn you, double!
[inaudible]
[inaudible] away.
[inaudible]
[beeping]
He's a miser, you know--
no use for his loot.
But he won't let me
get near it, because I
know how to enjoy life.
Never forgiven me for it.
[humming]
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
Left hand.
One, two, three--
right turn, front door.
Yes, I reckon you're making
your exit just in time.
You're barking mad, old man--
barking.
Help yourself to
another drink, Richard.
Son of the [inaudible].
[music playing]
[beeping]
ROBOT: Stand by [inaudible].
85 yards to the clearing.
[music playing]
[coughing]
[music playing]
[coughing]
CHARLES: Richard, could
you come up alone, please?
[music playing]
[coughing]
The fact is, Richard,
I feel the end is nigh.
[clears throat]
As the padres say,
time to let bygones.
No use scrapping all
the way to the grave.
Lend a hand with this, uh, lid.
For your coffin?
Anytime.
So, dear brother,
isn't she beautiful?
My last, my most
wonderful invention.
What's so bloody marvelous
about this heap of junk anyway?
Watch-- open sesame.
[music playing]
Oh, nice, thank you.
Cheers.
The whole caboodle is
just about the dumbest
thing I've ever seen.
Dumb?
Well, what use is it?
Are you going to sell a million?
No way.
You're dead, and you're
in it, and you're dumb.
CHARLES: Dumb.
And no one's
going to miss you.
You always had to buy
affection, didn't you?
Never had any real friends.
They were just after your
money, just like Angela.
Angela never loved you.
Get out.
Get out, Richard.
RICHARD: What?
CHARLES: Get out.
RICHARD: No.
Get out.
[music playing]
[thud]
[music playing]
[beeping]
Sorry, old man.
I guess the truth hurts.
[honk]
Daddy's blown a fuse.
[beeping]
No, no, no, no, no.
RICHARD: Keep this to
ourselves for the time being,
sell the bits for something.
What are you doing?
Throw you in as well.
Might make a few quid.
[inaudible]
[crash]
[music playing]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
YATES (ON PHONE): Hello.
I'm Yates of O'Connor,
O'Connor, and Yates,
the funeral directors.
Oh yes, you--
you collected my brother's body.
YATES (ON PHONE):
Uh, remains, yes.
You haven't come down to
pick out the casket as yet,
and I thought--
Just an ordinary bask--
uh, casket, thank you.
YATES (ON PHONE): Simple pine?
Yes.
Pine is fine.
YATES (ON PHONE):
And the service, sir?
No services, thank you.
No, he-- he would have
preferred it that way.
[music playing]
Charles asked me
to read this missive
containing details of his will.
Fine, fine.
He thanks you for taking care
of the funeral arrangements
and for ensuring
his burial in what
he describes as
the Charles Braling
Pomp and Circumstance coffin.
No doubt you understand
the reference?
[inaudible] family joke?
- And--
SINJIN: Oh, yes, indeed.
Uh, item one, the aforesaid
coffin now being underground--
occupied-- Charles
wishes that you
should yet be able to
profit from the invention.
Drawings and circuitry details
have been left with me,
uh, in a separate envelope.
Item two, the house
is left to you.
Well, of course.
We were-- we were very--
very close.
However, I should advise you
that this part of the legacy
is not as advantageous
as it might seem.
Oh?
I fear the death duties
payable on the estate
are punitively high.
They may absorb the total
present value of the property.
Oh, charming.
SINJIN: However, Charles
provides in item three--
He does?
All monies and
valuables within the house
are left to you.
Oh, nice, nice.
Have you been round this place?
Mother Hubbard was never in it.
Mr. Charles further
authorizes me to inform you
of certain banking processes
which I undertook on his behalf
just prior to his death.
- Go on.
Go on.
SINJIN: On Mr.
Charles' instructions
I withdrew from the
bank the entire balance.
Which was?
Rather in excess
of 750,000 pounds.
Good lord.
SINJIN: He also
instructed me to secure
the safe deposit box for him.
In it were items of jewelry once
purchased for the young lady
in mind, I believe.
These were insured
for 550,000 pounds.
I must advise you, Mr.
Richard, that to the best
of my knowledge, this fortune
must be within the house.
It's a most irregular state
of affairs, but there we are.
Your brother would have
had it no other way.
And that's really
all there is to it,
except that he closes in
the following manner--
"Cheerio, then, Rich.
No hard feelings.
In the grave, there
is forgiveness.
May you live long to enjoy your
yo, ho, ho, bottles of rum."
[music playing]
CHARLES: All right,
you old skinflint.
Where's the beer money?
Where is it?
15 men on a dead man's chest.
Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.
15 men on a--
[music playing]
--dead man's chest.
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest!
[laughter]
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Chest!
[inaudible]
[beeping]
You old Viking warrior, planned
to take it all with you.
Ha, sorry Charles, but
this needs looking into.
Secret compartment
for the loot--
I'll be bound.
Open sesame.
[humming]
A-ha.
[laughter]
Ah.
Now this coffin
begins to make sense.
[chuckles]
Huh?
Place body in coffin.
Music will-- uh,
all right, Charles.
I'll be your guest.
Music while I work--
bum ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dum.
That's it, folks.
I'll be with you
again in the morning.
[laughter]
[music playing]
Ah.
[music playing]
The family is gathering
for the funeral.
How nice.
OK, hold on.
One, two--
CHARLES: Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here on this sad day
to pay our respects to one
who will be sorely missed
from the center of our lives.
That's Charles' voice.
The old son of a
gun is delivering
a funeral sermon on himself.
I mean, really.
CHARLES: In his
life, he was a cad,
a bounder, and a
no-good, a villain,
a terror, and a layabout fiend.
Oh.
Goodness, he didn't think
much of himself, did he?
I mean--
CHARLES: So it is
with great relief
that we finally say goodbye.
Bye.
CHARLES: To this awful man--
Yes, awful man.
CHARLES: Richard Braling.
Richard Braling.
CHARLES: Yes, Richard Braling.
Hold on--
That's the wrong name--
CHARLES: Yes, indeedy.
Surprise, surprise.
That's-- stop--
stop it, Charles.
That's enough of this joke.
CHARLES: You always were
a curious devil, Richard,
but I counted on that.
If a bottle read drink
me, you drank it.
If a box read eat me, you
eat whatever was in the box.
And if a box maybe
contained some loot,
well, now, I just knew that if
I put instructions in the coffin
to start music,
place body in coffin,
you couldn't resist playing
the body, playing dead.
Well played, Richard.
Well done.
And now on with the
funeral overture.
Stop it Charles.
Enough.
Stop it!
CHARLES: Attention!
[whirring]
Born in 1935, my
brother, younger
by some 20 years, Richard
Braling, never was, never--
[music playing]
Never would be anything.
A gaseous cipher,
a bother, a pest,
a borrower and never a lender.
He is well out of the world.
We celebrate his passing.
[music playing]
My God.
Can anyone hear me?
[music playing]
Whack on the lid.
Break the glass.
[banging]
CHARLES: No tantrums,
please, brother.
[music playing]
Calmness, serenity,
quiet-- sweet, sweet, calm.
There now.
Ashes to ashes.
[whirring]
Dust to dust.
[whirring]
[music playing]
Well, Richard, I doubt very much
we'll meet in the next world.
Requiescat in pace.
[bell ringing]
RICHARD: Dead man's chest.
Dead man's chest.
Chest, chest.
[laughter]
[music playing]
Bye-bye Richard.
Goodbye.
[music playing]