The Ranch (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - When It All Goes South - full transcript

Mornin'.

Morning. You birdwatchin'
or scopin' out dinner?

I love birds.

Except for cardinals, ravens,
falcons, and seahawks.

What about the eagles?
Don't you hate them?

It's unpatriotic to hate an eagle.

And yet, you hate the Patriots.

I don't hate the Patriots.
I hate Tom Brady.

It's unnatural for a man
to be that pretty.

Okay, I gotta get to the Cracker Barrel.
I'm training a new waitress.

Her name is Sunshine.



Sunshine?

You should train her parents
how to name their kid.

Yeah, and she was born in 2001.

How the fuck is that a thing?

Drives me crazy.

She's always on her phone,

not payin' attention,
playin' with her hair.

They should've named her "Colt."

I see you've come around with the Keurig.

Yeah. Can't imagine that
I haven't always started my mornin'

with Gloria Jean's Butter Toffee.

Howdy, neighbors.

Name's Colt Bennett,
I own the stretch down the road.

I just wanted to stop by
and let you know my door's always open.



Mainly 'cause my house burned down,
and I don't have a door.

Y'know, erm...

Beau didn't even speak
to his last neighbor for over 30 years.

Yeah? First off, his last neighbor
wasn't as good looking.

And he never brought him hot coffee
and a dozen of his favorite donuts.

There's 11 plain and one powdered,

'cause I know you like
to have somethin' to complain about.

Hang on. Where's that coffee from?

The gas station.

Only place you can stir in your sugar
with a Slim Jim.

Perfect.

Ahh! Now that should be a Keurig flavor.

You could call it
"Circle K Burnt to Shit."

- Thanks, neighbor.
- Yep.

I'll see you in 30 years.

Hey, you guys see Rooster?

He wasn't at the hunting cabin
and his bike's gone.

And Jill at the Circle K
said he didn't stop in

for his morning Red Bull and nachos.

So... he was late
for his first day at work.

Well, shit.

What?

I had Rooster fuckin' up first.
She had you.

Nothing personal.

You fuck up a lot.

Yeah, I get it.

When I was playin' football,
I made a lot of money bettin' against me.

Man, I can't believe Rooster
pulled this shit on a first day of work.

But y'know what? It's fine.

He can skip out today.

Come first time we've gotta birth a calf,

you'll find my ass drunk and streaking
through the infield at Talladega.

Please tell me more about things
that are no longer my problem.

Such as, have they discontinued
some of your facial scrubs?

No.

Just the opposite.

Now they're selling that loganberry
exfoliant in the 18-ounce bottle.

Hang on.

Take that fuckin' powdered donut.

And the other three that touched it.

Doctor said our little girl's
in the 95th percentile for head size,

so I'm happy she's got her mama's smarts

but I'm not happy that giant head
has to come out of me.

They show you her throwin' arm?

Hm. Doctor said it looks strong.

So she's got her mama's arm, too.

You wanna talk to her?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, sweetheart.

Sorry I can't be there.

I promise you, I'm gonna be at
every recital and Christmas pageant.

If you decide to play a sport where
you run around with a ribbon on a stick,

I'll be there with a sweatshirt on
that says "Proud Dad of Ribbon Girl."

Unless it's the same day
as the Super Bowl.

Why would they do that, though?

Hey, Colt!

Hey. Just...

Hey, little floatin' Abby head!

How you feelin'?

Looks like you're about to calf.

Hey, Dale.

A pregnant woman always loves
being compared to a farm animal.

Oh. Well... you never looked
more beautiful.

Thank you. I'm gonna go. Love you, Colt.

Okay. I'll talk to you soon, babe.Bye.

I thought that "calf" thing
was kinda cute.

You coulda backed me up
while she's still on the line, asshole.

Oh, no.

I made that mistake before.

A couple weeks ago, she come home
with a new pair of pink pajamas.

I said, "Who's my little piggy?"

Slept in the tub that night.

How'd the herd look?

Oh, they're putting on weight real well,

kinda like my niece in her freshman year
at Colorado State.

Apparently, she was majoring in pasta.

Well, that's one piece
of good news, I suppose.

Not for her diabetes.

But I do have one piece of bad news.

I couldn't find Heifer 306.

Yeah?

Sometimes them tags get turned
upside down. Did you find 9-O-E?

No, I looked all over the pasture.
I couldn't see hide nor hoof of...

Did I just come up with that phrase?

I'll tell you something,

that is gonna go on a T-shirt
on my Etsy store.

That's just great.

On my first day on the new ranch

I'm already down a brother,
a tractor and now, a cow.

I stress-ate six donuts.

I'm starting to get a muffin top
on top of my Wranglers.

I remember my first day as a vet.

I'm sorry, Dale, I ain't got time
for one of your stories right now.

I've gotta go find that cow.
Maybe I should jog there.

Yeah, I totally understand.

It was 1970.

I'd just diagnosed mad cow disease

for Mike Beale's herd.

Shut the whole operation down.

Turned out I'd dripped
a little ketchup out of my Whopper

into the blood sample.

You know what cow would have been mad
about that Whopper? Your niece.

Hey, Joanne.

You're home early.

Yeah, 'cause I just got fired.

What?

I get to work, my manager tells me
they have to let me go.

Guess who replaced me?

Fuckin' Sunshine.

That's right.

I got replaced by somebody
who couldn't work last weekend

because she was grounded.

Jesus, Joanne, this is awful.
What'd they say?

Nothin'. Just they had to give me
two weeks' notice.

I said, "You can take those two weeks
and shove them up your fuckin' ass."

Then I apologized
to the nice Mormon family on table eight.

Then I got escorted off the property.

Well, don't worry about the Mormons.

Can't trust anyone who wants to deal
with more than one wife.

I can't believe this.

You've been working
at the Cracker Barrel forever.

Yeah, they don't care
about experience or loyalty.

Couple months back,
I had a bad case of the flu,

I still went to work.

Three days later, half the staff
called in sick. I was there.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

It's gonna be fine.

You're the hardest-working woman I know.

You know what they say...

"When God closes a Barrel, he opens a...

Waffle House."

Thanks, Beau.

Well, now that I have the day off I...

might as well go look for something else.

Gotta pay the bills.

Of course, with my house burned down,
Visa's gotta find me first.

That's the attitude.

You'll find someplace better to work.

Preferably no ethnic food.

Although I suppose I could deal
with the Olive Garden.

Rooster, I just hit the Powerball.

That's right, 75 million dollars.

Yeah, that's 75 million dollar tacos.

Or one gigantic 75-million-dollar taco.

Call me back or I'm gonna have
to split it with someone else.

Hey, it's my best friend, Colt.

You look good today.

I didn't win the lotto, Hank,

I'm just trying to get my dipshit brother
to call me back.

And I'm just trying
to give my friend a compliment.

Hey, Colt. You want a Bud?

No, I ain't got time.
I gotta get back to the ranch.

Just stopped by on my way back from
the feed store to see if Rooster's here.

Oh, y'know, actually,
can you fill this back up?

It's Bud Light.

Smart. You're driving.

Rooster hasn't been here all day.

He text you?

I dunno. Let's see.

Hmm. Darlene wants to kill her kids.

Heather also wants to kill Darlene's kids.

Checking account, less than $25.

That's it, nothin' from Rooster.

What the fuck?

He didn't show up on the first day.
He won't text me back.

It's like, when did I become
the responsible one?

Y'know, how many places
could he be, seriously?

Here, the ranch,
Dairy Queen, strip club,

the other Dairy Queen?

Did they open a third Dairy Queen?

No. Apparently, 500 signatures
don't mean anythin' to them people.

- When's the last time you talked to him?
- Last night. He came here.

He offered me a ticket to Wrestlemania.

You guys are goin'?

Cool. So are me and Abby.

Assumin' our tickets
ever show up in the mail.

Was he acting weird?

He was a little freaked out about Nick.

Once I told him Nick went back
to Ohio, though, Rooster seemed fine.

Yeah, okay.

You're right. I'll swing by
the Dairy Queen and the strip club.

Even if I don't find him,
it's still a pretty good day.

Erm, if you see Darlene, will you tell her
I cannot babysit tonight?

Oh, shit, she's working
at the Dairy Queen now?

Yeah, sure.

Ah.

Dad, you butt-dialed me again!

Shit.

Yeah, I'm just down at the bar.
Yeah, I'll be right there.

All right.

- Is it about Rooster?
- No.

No, he found a cow. What's left of it.

Apparently, a wolf got it.

I gotta go.

But give me a holler
if you hear from Rooster, all right?

Yeah, know what? I'm gonna text him
a picture of my boobs.

If he doesn't respond to that,
we know something's wrong.

Sure.

Hey, it's my best friend Mary.

Man, that thing is torn up.

I think we're looking at a pack.

I only saw one set of tracks.

Probably just a lone wolf,
got pushed out of the pack.

How could you not notice
you were missin' a cow?

Oh, I noticed.

I was looking for it all afternoon.

At the bar?

Just 'cause that's
where we always find you

that doesn't mean
that's where the cows go.

What a day!

Cow gets hit, tractor's not runnin'...

my pee smells like asparagus.
I haven't had asparagus in months.

Hey, you tell me.

I was at the bar looking for Rooster.

Yeah?

And?

Mary ain't heard from him either.

Look, he's only been gone for 12 hours.

For him, that's not missing, that's late.

And if it were you, that'd be early.

Something don't feel right.

You know he started hookin' up
with Mary again?

Her ex-husband Nick...

threatened him.

That dude's creepy, man.

He's like the clown from It

if he sold all his makeup to buy meth.

Mary was married to a clown?

No. It's...

Yes, she married a clown.

What is it...? There's something goin' on.

- I think this Nick guy knows somethin'.
- Well, hell...

Your brother gets himself
into these situations all the time.

He disappears for a couple of days,
then he comes home and says,

"Hey, Dad...

if a chick's husband
comes lookin' for me...

tell him I'm dead.

But tell him I died
in a real badass way. He he he."

He was so excited about this ranch.

We had a whole plan.

We was gonna disk up the field,
make it look like crop circles,

try to convince you that aliens landed.

We was even gonna give Shaggy 20 bucks

to paint himself green
and run around naked.

He agreed to do it
before we even offered him money.

If we don't hear from Rooster tomorrow...

we'll deal with it.

You keep kiddin' about those aliens.

I'll be all safe in my bunker

and E.T. will be probin' your ass

with that finger of his.

Jesus, Dad.

Oh.

All I'm sayin'...

as excited as he was,
for him to not show up...

Hey. Sh!

Shit!

Well, good night.

I thought I had it.

Yeah, well, you missed him.

He's not coming back tonight.

But the good news is,
we can take a trip to the taxidermist

about that 12-point bush you just killed.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I saw your note. You guys get a wolf?

Nope.

Thought I heard a gunshot.

Oh my God, is Colt okay?

How you doin'?

Any luck on the job huntin'?

Where am I gonna get my
"friends and family" discount?

Please say Charlie's Steakhouse.

Nah, they're not hiring, I checked.

I went to every restaurant
within ten miles of here.

Most didn't need help and those that did
seemed to be hiring waitresses more like...

Fuckin' Sunshine.

You think I should do somethin'
different with my hair?

A lot of women are putting in
these fun highlights,

y'know, like blue and pink streaks.

I think that's a question for Abby.

Or better yet, Colt.

I'm serious.

I feel like I need a change.

You look great.

Stop thinkin' about this job thing.

It's only the first day.

You remember Sue Miller
who got fired from the Safeway?

She looked for a job for six months,

and then had to end up
movin' in with her daughter.

Now she tells me
she just has the best job in the world,

"full-time grandma."

Bullshit, Sue. I see you poppin' Xannies
like Skittles.

Maybe you oughta look for something
other than waitin' on tables.

I could talk to Glen
down at the feed store.

God knows he needs help.

He's always out of baling wire

but he's got plenty
of fuckin' Charleston Chews.

I don't know, maybe.

Are you okay?

Well, what if this is it?

What if nobody ever hires me again

'cause they just see a useless, old woman?

That's not who you are.

Well, I know that.

What if nobody else ever does?

I can't afford to stop working.

You know how much money
I have in my savings account?

Six hundred dollars.

That's all I have to show
for a lifetime of work. $600, Beau.

Times are always tough.

But you'll get through this.

And in the meantime...

I can help you out.

Did you seriously just offer me a handout?

No, but I know you need help

and I've got money to spare, I could...

Jesus Christ,
I sound like a fuckin' Democrat.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, even if I had more savings,
I wouldn't wanna stop workin'.

It gives me a sense of purpose.

You're gonna keep on lookin'
until you find a job you deserve.

And in the meantime,

we're gonna go down
to the Cracker Barrel

and siphon all the gas
out of Sunshine's car.

It's electric.

Fuckin' Sunshine.

Hey, Colt.

Oh, shit.

Hiya... Oh, shit, look at that uniform.

Whoa. What happened to Garrison's finest?

Going to sheriff's department now?

That's good news. That means I can drink
and drive anywhere I want in the county.

Wow, look at that. When'd you start?

Yesterday.

I was lucky there was an openin'.

I mean, the guys in the department
are all still grievin',

but for me, it's awesome.

Yeah, I heard about that accident
at the gun range.

Congratulations, man.

So, I got your text.

What's this favor you need?

Yeah.

I was just wonderin', how long
does Rooster have to be missin'

before you put an APB out on him?

Oh, come on, man.

Last time you had me do that,
it was so that we barge in on him

banging Pregnant Linda.

Still watch that body-cam footage
every Christmas.

Well, this...

This is serious.

He's been gone for a day and a half.

His bike's missing,
he won't return my texts.

You didn't return my text
for, like, a week and a half

when I invited you
to my Fourth of July BBQ.

That was different. I was waitin' to see
if somethin' better come along.

It did, too.

Abby's cousin, she's got a houseboat
on Lake Powell.

Chugged a whole bottle of Fireball.

Shot Roman candles out of it.

Eddie Braun almost lost a finger.

Well, we had a slip and slide,
so f-u-u-uck you.

It's not that unusual, Rooster being gone.

Yeah. I know.

Just...

There was some shady shit going on
with Mary's ex, Nick.

Yeah, that guy's bad news.

Y'know, he threatened to kill Rooster
before he left town.

He didn't leave town.

What?

I saw him today.

He lives in that trailer park
down Butterfield Road,

next to the old guy
who looks like Richard Petty.

He's still here.

Yeah.

He'll sign a 43 STP photo
for a big bag of potatoes.

No, Nick.

That means he was in town
when Rooster disappeared.

Fuck it, I'm goin' down there.

No, you're not.

I will run Rooster's plates
and then I'll go see Nick, okay?

You stay here. I got this.

Yeah, all right.

Just give me a call
if you find out anythin', all right?

I will.

You promise he's not just naked
at Pregnant Linda's house right now?

He's not.

Y'know what? You should go check.

Hey.

Turn on that body cam, just in case.

What we got goin' on here?

Hey.

Well, I noticed we needed some firewood

so I grabbed an ax,

pictured Sunshine, and started choppin'.

I'm not saying
I'm ready to sit in her section,

but I worked out a few issues.

You can get rid of a lot of anger
with hard work.

I must have chopped five cords of wood

the year Clinton and Gore
carried Colorado.

Y'know you didn't have to do this.

Well, I see work needs to be done,
I'm gonna do it.

Besides, I gotta stay busy.

Otherwise, it's just a matter of time
before I hop in my truck

and turn that Cracker Barrel
into a drive-thru.

Well, I appreciate the help.

Plenty of work to do around here.

Only reason I agreed to have kids
was for the cheap labor.

Well, y'know, until I find a new job

I'll be happy to help you out around here.

I'm not sayin' I can do as much
as Colt and Rooster, but...

What am I saying?
I can do twice as much in half the time.

Yeah, and you'd be sober.

Ish.

Well, if you're gonna help me out,
I'm gonna have to pay you.

Yeah, no shit.

People who work with me
tend not to like me too much.

People who date you
tend not to like you too much.

But I'm still here.

Probably 'cause your house burned down.

That's true.

It'll help me feel useful.

But if I find out you burned down my house
on purpose for the cheap labor

I'm gonna be pissed.

I'm not gonna give you
any special treatment.

You better not.

All right.

This ax needs sharpenin'.

And there's a file in the kitchen drawer.

Good, you know what to do.
I'm gonna take a bath.

Hey, Nick.

Colt.

What happened with you and my brother?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Just cut the bullshit, all right?

Rooster's gone.
All of a sudden you're back?

He's gone?

Well, shoot, that is just too bad.

But like I told you...

I don't know anything about it.

Where's my brother?

Look, Colt, I like you.

You're a good guy.

And me and you ain't got a problem.

So don't make one.

I'm only gonna ask you one more time.

Where's my brother?

The only thing I know
about your brother...

is he likes to fuck
other guys' girlfriends.

And that could get a man in trouble.

Fuck!

Arrghh!