The Ranch (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - There Goes My Life - full transcript

Where'd you learn to
make coffee like this?

Campin'.

I was a Girl Scout.

- A Girl Scout?
- Yeah.

Still got the uniform?

Yeah, but it's too small and
it smells like cookies.

All right, stop.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Colt, you used my towel again, asshole.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

It's just so dark up in the
bathroom with the power out,



I don't know what I'm reaching for.

But, full disclosure...

I may have wiped with the sock

that you left outside by the hamper.

Full disclosure, I've
been wearing your socks.

Should I not bring
clothes over here anymore?

- Come on, let's go to work.
- Yeah.

- Thank you, darling.
- Mmm-hmm.

Hey, you wanna meet up tonight?

I don't know. I'm supposed to
hang out with my sister, Darlene.

She just got through
a really bad breakup.

Bad breakup, huh? She sounds hot.

She is hot.

And she finally got rid of that
deadbeat asshole of a boyfriend.



Oh.

Well, would you say

deadbeat assholes are kind of her type?

Hey, she just got out of a relationship.

Yeah, her ex left her right
after the baby was born.

Might be a good change for
her to go out with a nice guy.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, so we're in agreement.

She should not go out with Rooster.

Stop, he is a good guy.

Maybe the four of us could go out.

Rooster don't like blind dates, so...

Oh, uh, hell yeah, I do.

I mean, dating is
like fishing, you know?

You can sit on the water
all day and not catch a bite.

But a blind date?

That's like a guy drives up

in a boat and just throws you a fish.

After that, all you gotta
do is clean it and eat it.

You must really hate your sister.

Stop. It'll be fun.

- Promise. I'll tell Darlene.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Call me later.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, don't forget to look for
that Girl Scout uniform.

Hey, you hear that, pal? It'll be fun.

Hey. Hey.

Yo, come on. You cannot
go out with Darlene.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I've...

got a good thing going
with Heather, and I'd...

I just... I know how you are with women.

You mean awesome?

Yeah, so awesome that
Cindy Wilson keyed your car?

That was an accident.

Yeah, oh, she accidentally wrote,

"Rooster Bennett's got a tiny penis"?

Technically, she wrote, "Rooster
Bennett's got a tiny pen,"

'cause I caught her.

That's why I bought all those tiny
pens just to not confuse anybody.

What about Tammy?

She was so pissed, she
set your underwear on fire.

So? Big deal.

You were still wearing 'em!

Look, man, that was a
long time ago, all right?

I'm not gonna do anything
to mess up you and Heather.

All right. Just behave.

Yeah, that's my middle name.

Jameson "Rooster" "Behave"
"Big Dick" Bennett.

Man, I'm exhausted.

Yeah, me too.

If somebody told me there was

a million dollars out in that field,

I don't know if I could go pick it up.

Still going to the bar, right?

Oh, hell yeah.

How is it that you two are so
tired at the end of every day,

but you still muster enough energy

to go out drinking every night?

'Cause it ain't work when
you're doing something you love.

That Mom?

Yeah.

Said she wanted to talk.

Oh, well, as fun as that sounds,

I'm gonna make like
Colt and abandon this family.

I resent that.

And just to prove a point, I'll
stay out here with you, Dad.

Hey, Ma.

Colt, could we have a minute?

I gave it a shot.

Maggie, I know I said I
could talk, but...

I've been up since 4:00 this morning.

How about we do this another day?

Unless you've got some really good news.

I made us an
appointment to go to counseling.

That wasn't it.

I know you don't wanna
talk about your feelings.

When the guy at the gas
station says, "How you doing?"

you tell him to stop prying.

If I wanted him to know, he'd know.

Okay, well...

I don't wanna get divorced.

Well, I hate talking to
strangers and I hate spending money.

Now you're asking me to do both?

No. We won't have to pay...

and it won't be a total stranger.

Priscilla, in my book
club, she's a licensed therapist.

She helped out Noreen and Will.

Will left Noreen for
Stan at the feed store.

And she helped Will to
realize his true feelings.

I could've told Will that 20 years ago.

I really do think it will help us.

She's an expert on marriage.

And what makes her an expert?

The fact that your book club read

Bridges of Madison County?

This is my busiest time of the year.

I know you're busy.

But there'll always be
a reason to put it off.

All right, we agree. Let's never do it.

You want me to move back in, right?

'Course I do.

Well, the only way that's gonna happen

is if we start connecting more.

I really do think it would
help us to see Priscilla.

And afterwards, I'll treat
you to a burger if you want.

If I'm sharing feelings,
I'm eating steak.

Well, let's see how
the first session goes.

Wait a minute. There's more than one?

So, Darlene, how do you
scratch out a living?

Well, four days a
week, Mom watches the kids

and I work down at the nursing home.

Mostly, my job consists

of dealing with cranky senior citizens.

Mmm-hmm. Hey, mine too.

You guys are ranchers, right?

Yeah, Colt works on my ranch.

You like being a rancher?

Did Jesus like being a carpenter?

What?

No, I'm just saying, you know,

I didn't choose it, it chose me.

I mean, ranching game's tough, you know?

You gotta be strong, muscular,

but also sensitive, gentle, you
know, with a real caring touch.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, I may have used some
bold imagery, but I...

My ex just posted a picture

with him and his skanky new girlfriend.

Is that the trashiest
bikini you've ever seen?

Oh, come on, you are
so much hotter than her.

Yeah. Well, they're...
Those are...

That... Those are too big.

I should, uh, probably weigh in on this.

What an ass!

Yeah. What an ass.

Listen, Darlene, forget about him.

We're all having a good time here.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. You
know, he's the loser, 'cause...

my date's way prettier than his.

I'm guessing, 'cause I didn't
really get to see the picture.

Are you shitting me?

Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Whoa! He took her to Vegas?

This asshole, the father
of one of my children,

is getting married to this dick garage.

All right,
man, I like this chick.

I'm never getting married.

I'm gonna be one of
those pathetic losers

who lives at home forever.

- Oh, you know, that's just like family...
- There's no shame in that.

- Togetherness is really a move...
- Eff my effing L!

Darlene...

Well, she seems stable.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, how's that chick, huh?

She got them tig ol' bitties?

I'm gonna get another round.

Two.

Oh, shit. Hey, Abby.

Hey, Colt. What is all that
yelling coming from your table?

Oh, yeah, Rooster's on a blind date.

Got it.

Uh, where's, uh, Kenny?

On Fridays, she waits here

for him to get off from the Marriott.

And then, they usually go see a movie.

Sorry for me taking an
interest in my friends.

I see you're still with Heather.

So, when you guys go out, does
she order off the kids' menu?

No, as long as they have crayons

so she can draw on the
place mat, she's happy.

What do you do, you just sit around

all day and think these things up?

Yeah, in detention I
run 'em by the kids.

You know, 'cause
they're the same age as Heather.

That one's
mine. I just came up with that.

I'll give you that one.

Hey, uh, I got your text.

Your... your truck's
still making that... noise?

Yeah. I replaced the
fan belt like you said

but, uh, it's still doing it.

Is it like a high
pitch... Like a...

No, it's more like a...

You drivin' a truck or a bear?

Hey, you know what? Bring it by
the house. I'll take a look at it.

- Thanks, I will.
- Yeah.

Don't you have to get back to your date?

He wants to...

but Rooster's date's all
broken up about her ex.

Oh, Hank, you gotta...

Actually, he's right.

Hey. I'll see ya, Ab.

See you.

Hey.

Where's Darlene?

She's really upset. I
think I gotta take her home.

Damn.

That's all right. I'll get her home.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I don't mind.

You guys have fun.

Thank you.

Um, and once you get her home,

Mom can take care of the rest of it.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I'll get her.

Hey.

Remember what we talked about.

I don't want anything messing
things up with me and Heather.

Relax, man, I will be
a complete gentleman.

Hey, can I borrow a couple
quarters for the condom machine?

Dude!

I'm kidding... I already got some.

Dude!

I'm joking, man. Shit, you
know I don't use condoms.

Hi, Priscilla.

Hi, Maggie. Hello, Beau.

Glad you two decided to come.

I'm not laying on a couch.

Well, I don't even have a couch in here.

What kind of a
therapist doesn't have a couch?

Now, I should start by saying
that, though this is my home,

please consider it a
completely professional place.

Uh, however, I do ask that if you need

to use the restroom, please knock,

as my teenage son, Justin, recently
discovered his body.

Okay, so...

let's talk about your marriage.

I'm not even sure what we
have can be called a marriage.

Real helpful, Beau.

Actually, it's very helpful.

Very good, Beau.

He believes that you
two are not in a marriage.

Now, I encourage you both
to say how you're feeling.

I'm feeling like going home.

Beau, you agreed to come
here. At least give it a chance.

You say you're open to
things, but you're not.

You either shut down or complain.

Good. Wonderful. This is so great.

- Are you gonna keep doing that?
- Doing what?

Saying "good" every time we say

something bad about each other?

Let's try this.

Maggie...

when would you say things started

to go away between the two of you?

Well...

I know that once I bought the bar,

he started to resent me.

Are you serious?

Is that really why we came here?

To rehash stuff that we've
been fighting about for years?

Oh, we don't fight, Beau.

I bring something up, you shut me down,

and that's the end of the discussion.

That's not true.

End of discussion.

Okay, fine.

You wanna talk about
something new? Brenda Sanders.

Oh, here we go.

You gotta be kidding.

You're going to bring up Brenda here?

I told you, I didn't sleep with her.

Well, I had to walk around with
the whole town thinking you did.

- No one thought that.
- Oh, we all did.

You know what? I'm done.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, that was a good session.

Priscilla, shut the fuck up.

Mornin'.

Hey, Rooster.

Thanks for taking
care of things last night.

Oh, I took care of things
last night, all right.

Wait, after all of that, you
still hooked up with her sister?

No, I did not. I did not, in fact,

hook up with Heather's sister.

Mom?

No!

What are you doing here?

Uh... I'm sorry, sweetie.

I didn't plan for this to happen.

Colt, this is Mary, Heather's mom.

Heather, Mary, uh...

No introduction needed.

Uh, nice to... meet you.

I'm really surprised this
happened, given our conversation.

Yeah, I thought you took Darlene home.

Uh, yes, I did.

And taking her home on my
motorcycle was a bit of a mixed blessing.

The sound of the bike, you know,

kind of drowned out most of her tears.

But then I pulled up to this
light and had to explain to a cop

that I was not, in fact,
kidnapping her. So...

Yeah, he got Darlene
home safe and sound.

He was so sweet. He even
sang her baby a lullaby.

Yeah, Ozzy
Osbourne, "Crazy Train."

Whoo-hoo. All aboard.

And then we started talking.

Turns out, Mary has always
had the hots for the Rooster.

Oh, God... That is not what I said.

What I said was, "The Bennett
men are all very handsome."

- It's true.
- I bowl with your father.

Oh, great. Now my dad's hot.

He really is.

How would you like it if
I said your mom's hot?

Hey, back off.

We talked for hours.

You know, once you
get past "the Rooster,"

Jameson is a really
sweet, smart, sensitive guy.

You can't prove that.

So I offered
him some wine, and...

we started talking about
our lives in Garrison,

and then one thing led
to another and then...

Yeah, we didn't want, you know,

Darlene to wake up and see us, 'cause...

that would be awkward.

Yeah.

That would be awkward.

Well, it's a little hot in here.

Hmm.

Yeah, he gets hot flashes. He's
going through the change.

You know what, honey, um,

why don't you grab your coat

and I'll drop you at home before work?

Okay.

- Hey, where do you work?
- Cracker Barrel.

Oh, shit. Jackpot.

Get us a discount?

You know I can.

I know this is a little
fast, but I think I love you.

- I'll talk to you later.
- Bye, Rooster.

All right, Roth
girls, y'all have a good day.

Ooh.

Hey...

what did you do?

Colt... it would be unsavory

to give you the details of the things

I did to your girlfriend's
mom last night.

You cannot date Heather's mom!

Are you intentionally
trying to fuck up my life?

You don't need my
help to fuck up your life.

Who does that?

I mean, I was cool with
you going out with her sister,

but you don't bang the mom, dude.

Hey, I like the mom, dude.

No, you don't. That's bullshit.

You like any woman
standing in front of you.

You liked her
daughter earlier in the night.

Yeah, that's 'cause her daughter's hot.

But Mary's hot and cool, you know.

Like a sandwich with buffalo
sauce and ranch dressing.

It's my girlfriend's mom!

You know,

you just don't care about
anybody, do you?

Look, man, I'm closer in age to her

than you are to Heather, all right?

You think about it, you're the weirdo

who's dating a 23-year-old.

No, you think about
it, you're an asshole.

That is no way to speak

to your future father-in-law.

Your calves look healthy to me, Beau.

A good thing, too, because
I know if they didn't,

you wouldn't have the
money for me to fix 'em.

You know, I'd insult you back,

but I know you wouldn't
hear it 'cause you're deaf.

- What?
- I said, "Thanks for coming over."

Can I get you some coffee?

Coffee? No...

Whiskey'd be good,
though. That Jim Beam looks fine.

Are you kidding? It's
10:30 in the morning.

I don't know. Phyllis Diller, I guess.

Some weather comin' in.

You feelin' it in your knee?

I see the clouds.

You blind, too?

No, but I wish I
was, then I wouldn't have

to look at your sour old puss.

- Here you go.
- Cheers.

I got somethin' I wanna ask you, Dale.

About as long as you're
pourin', I'm listenin'.

How have you and Charlene stayed
together for so long?

Well, part of it's love...

part of it's hard work.

Big part of it is when she starts

telling me about how her day is goin',

I... I turn my bad ear toward her...

and every once in a while say, "Yep.
Uh-huh. Sure sounds tough."

Well... Maggie and I
are havin' a hard time.

I don't even know what the
right thing to do is anymore.

Yep. Uh-huh. Sure sounds tough.

Damn it, Dale.

You know...

back in the ranch, I had two old horses.

Both over 20 years old.

One of 'em was a mare, one
of 'em was a gelding.

And they were almost inseparable.

I remember those two.

- What?
- I said, "I remember those two."

Well, who cares if you do?
I'm telling the story here.

Well, the mare kept
biting at the gelding's tail.

And the gelding kept stealing
carrots meant for her.

Then one day, she up and died.

Just old age.

Ten days later... the
gelding followed her.

Are you saying that horse
died of a broken heart?

Oh, hell no. It's the worst
case of colic I ever saw.

Probably from all 'em carrots he stole.

I had to put him down.

So, if Maggie dies, I
should avoid eating carrots?

Look, all I'm saying is...

if we care for something...

we sometimes have to put up

with things that annoy us.

Like you and me.

You know, I don't like you one bit.

Well, I don't care for you much, either.

And if you need to talk, let me know.

I'll charge you by the hour.

Yep. Uh-huh.

Sure sounds tough.

Oh, hey, Colt.

Hey, Mrs. Roth.

Oh, come on, you can call me Mary.

I am fucking your brother.

Yeah, your daughter and I are...

I can't say it.

Look, I know today was weird.

Yeah.
It's still kind of weird.

Yeah.

When I was coming down those stairs

with my panties tucked into my purse,

I just thought, "Mary...
this is not your finest hour."

On the other hand...

how often do you get
to do the walk of shame

in front of your
daughter... and her boyfriend?

Huh? I mean, come on, that's
one for the highlight reel.

If you're tryin' to make this
less weird, it ain't working.

I know. You know, if I could
do last night over again,

I would do it differently.

You know? I would talk to Heather.

I would talk to you. I would
make sure y'all were okay with it.

But... honey, that's
not how it happened...

and here we are.

All right, look, if you
want to date a Bennett,

I got a cousin who's a doctor...

I mean, it's true, he's a dent doctor.

He pulls out dents in cars, but...

I mean, still, it's better than Rooster.

Honey, look...

I had my first kid when I was 17.

I mean, it's only recently

I've gotten to live my own life.

I didn't really get to have my 20s.

So that's why you're dating Rooster,

you want to do something you'll regret?

You know what? That's funny.

That's exactly what I told Heather

when she told me she
was dating Colt Bennett.

All right. I get it.

Look, I'm... I'm sure moving forward...

things will get better.

'Sup, amigo?

Yeah, it ain't gettin' better.

Hey, Heather, your
little boyfriend's here.

You two don't stay out too late now.

Come on, babe, Shark
Tank is about to start.

You got a minute?

You know what?

I'm done. Sound familiar?

It does.

Maggie, you annoy me.

Aw, thank you.

Other men bring flowers.

And I know that I annoy you.

But if this is gonna work, we're both

gonna have to put up with some stuff.

All right.

I'm sorry about walking out...

when you brought up Brenda.

What do you want me to say?

I was lost.

You'd just moved out.

I needed to get a haircut. She cut hair.

I was upset over you.

Her husband had just passed.

We talked.

That's it.

I know all that.

I brought up Brenda to prove a point.

When things get
uncomfortable, you shut down.

And I'm afraid if I move
back into that house...

we're gonna go back to the
way we were before I left.

I'm not saying things
are gonna be perfect.

Oh, that was clear when
you told me I annoy you.

I'm a different person
than I was 15 years ago.

And I don't wanna go back
to the way it was, either.

Oh... glad to hear that.

I don't wanna lose you, Mags.

You know, in your whole
life, you only get...

one person who knows you best.

And that's you.

Damn it, Beau.

When did you learn to
say all the right things?

I saw The Bridges of Madison County.

I think your mom is awesome.

It's just that Rooster's... not.

I don't want what's going
on with them to screw us up.

Fine, say they do break up.

Yeah, let's pray they break up.

No, who cares?

They got their thing and we got ours.

I like you.

Nothing's changin'
that, no matter what they do.

Give me a second.

Dear Lord, break 'em up.

Go, Broncos. Amen.

Look, if you're okay
with this, I won't worry.

I might still kick my brother's ass...

but we'll be fine.

- High school phenom, Colt Bennett.
- Oh, yeah.

Your table's ready.

Did you seriously put that as your name?

You want a free
appetizer or not?

Yeah, well, we're already
getting my mom's discount.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty
sure free is cheaper than 40%...

but I'm no mathmagician.

Hey, isn't that Kenny and Abby?

Oh, yeah, it is.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

Hey, Colt. Hi, Heather.

Uh, oh, Kenny, your, uh,
napkin fell on your lap.

- So, how are you guys doing?
- Good.

Just celebrating our anniversary.

We had our first date
here five years ago.

Yeah, anyway, nice to see you two.

I'm sure you wanna get going

and enjoy a nice
dinner at your own table.

Easy, Ken Dog.

I'm pretty sure this barrel's
big enough for the both of us.

No, I'm sorry. I just meant
that it would be better if...

Oh, look at that. You
got the chocolate...

Fuck me.

Kenny, is that... Are you...

Sweetie...

Uh, this isn't how I
planned it, but, uh...

Ah... you are
smart, you're beautiful...

you're oddly competitive.

You could have picked

anybody in the world, and you chose me.

I love you more than
anything in the world.

Abby Phillips...

will you marry me?

Yes. Of course.

Oh, my God. Congratulations.

Yeah.

Congrats.