The Ranch (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Back Where I Come From - full transcript
When Colt Bennett returns home from Canada to try out for a semipro Denver team, he learns that his family's ranch has fallen on hard times.
Rooster, you home?
Yes, sir. Living room!
I thought you were gonna
take a look at that tractor
and try and see what was...
Check it out.
Colt's home.
What the hell are you doing here?
I thought you were up in Canada
playing amateur's football.
Uh, semi-pro. Yeah, I was playing
for the Saskatoon Cold.
It's like the Miami Heat, except...
you know, cold.
Yeah, we know.
We also heard you got arrested
for flashing Shania Twain
while you were up there.
How'd you even hear about that?
It was in the paper.
"Former high school phenom
Colt Bennett shows Shania his Twain."
First time you made the front page
since the state finals.
I put it on the fridge.
All right, listen to this.
I... They got this hotel up there
made entirely of ice, okay?
And so, I'm a little drunk, and I...
and I see this sweet ice sculpture
of Wayne Gretzky.
And naturally, I think,
I could take a wizz on him.
It's like when you go
to the fancy restaurant
and they put the ice in the pisser.
You know, you get to spray it up
and melt it down.
Yeah.
So, I'm taking a piss
in The Great One's mouth.
And I almost got a hole all the way
through the back of his head.
He shoots, he scores.
When I slip...
Bam! I slide balls first
into Miss Shania Twain.
Did she look down and say,
"That don't impress me much"?
No. She said,
"That makes me feel like a woman."
What are you doing here?
What? Can't just stop in
and say hi to my family?
I remember last time you stopped by.
Said you were done with football.
You wanted to start
helping out around here.
How long ago was that, Rooster?
About six years?
Yes, sir. It was on my birthday.
We were all supposed to go to dinner
but you guys just fought the whole time.
Hey, I got ten bucks anyone
in here knows how old I am.
Then you snuck out of here
in the middle of the night.
Took your brother's truck.
- Left the damn gate open.
- Okay, that wasn't my fault.
Rooster was chasing after me yelling,
"That's my truck!"
And so, I just assumed
he was gonna close it.
Our cows were all over town.
I found one of 'em standing
in the Sizzler parking lot
just staring at a poster of a rib-eye.
I'm 35.
What the fuck's on your feet?
They're boots.
Those are not boots.
They're Uggs.
That's Australian for "boots."
They're ladies' shoes.
Well, Tom Brady wears 'em.
Yeah, well, Tom Brady
gets away with a lot of shit.
Fine. You know what? That's...
You made fun of my clothes,
you made fun of my career,
you made fun of my childhood.
You got anything else
you wanna take a shot at?
That's a stupid haircut.
All right. You know what?
This was a bad idea.
I can't stay here with him,
he's impossible.
Same old Colt,
"I can't stay here, he's impossible."
"I can't stay in this school,
the coach won't let me start."
"I can't stay with this girl.
She doesn't like it when I cheat on her."
Well, speaking of women
who don't like being cheated on,
how's Mom doing?
All right, this is getting good.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
No punches till I get back.
Don't go making accusations
when you don't know the whole story.
Oh, really?
What's the whole story, Dad?
That's none of your damn business.
There we go. There we go.
Why are you here?
I got a tryout...
with a new semi-pro team in Denver.
And I just need a place to stay
for a couple days.
As soon as I make the team,
I'm out of here.
Are you kiddin' me?
Are you still chasing this dream?
I'm a football player.
You're not a football player, Colt.
You're a guy dreamin'
about being a football player.
You're 34.
Oh, sure, you know how old he is.
Uh, 34 is still young to be a quarterback.
That's your three concussions talking.
I don't remember
three concussions.
You know, has it ever crossed your mind
that you might not be right
about everything?
'Cause you were just as sure
when you said the moon landing was fake.
A flag cannot ripple
in the vacuum of space.
Well, you're wrong about me.
I can still make it.
I just need a chance.
Every opportunity you've had...
I'm talking about high school,
college, and the pros...
you've either smoked it or drank it
or screwed it away.
Well, next time it'll be different.
They ought to put that on your tombstone.
"Here lies Colt Bennett.
Next time it'll be different.
He died wearing lady boots."
Seriously? I can't even
shut a truck door right?
I'm sure you could.
Why you choose not to is beyond me.
Hey, I'm gonna hit the head.
But in case you guys
run out of things to fight about...
Colt's jeans cost 85 bucks.
What kind of dipshit pays 85 bucks
for a pair of jeans?
My work is done.
Hey, bartender...
can we get a couple of cold ones, please?
Not a chance, Beau.
Not even for your favorite son?
Colt?
Hi, Mama.
Don't you "Hi, Mama" me.
Give me a hug.
Aw!
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Especially now since you cut your hair
and shaved off that stupid goatee.
Oh, no. That was a playoff beard.
You know I can't grow here.
You ready for your tryout?
You knew about this?
Yeah, I stay in touch with my son.
You should try it.
Can we just get those beers?
You have any complaints about the service,
take it up with the owner.
The owner's kind of a pain in my ass.
That's why the owner lives
in her own Airstream now.
What time you leaving tomorrow?
Oh, early. Tryout's at 2:00.
About the time I'll be getting a beer.
Once you're on that team,
I'll make the drive every Sunday.
Oh, uh, the games aren't on Sunday.
Sunday's reserved for
the high school girls' lacrosse team.
Phew! I just had me one of them
pees that's better than sex.
You know, a pee-gasm.
You know, it's possible
you're not having sex right.
Well, it's also possible
you're not peeing right.
- Hey, Ma, could you grab me a beer?
- Sure, darlin'.
Hank, I'll give you five bucks
for that beer.
Done.
Cheers, Maggie.
Come on. Let's grab a table.
Oh, yeah, good, just the two of us.
Sit and talk for a while.
Would you like a beer?
Ma, I got a tryout tomorrow.
Make it a whiskey.
- You look good, Ma.
- I'm all right.
I got my health,
the bar keeps me pretty busy
and it's filled with a bunch of drunk guys
I can take advantage of if I want to.
You can start with me.
I said, "If I want to," Hank.
- How's it going with your dad?
- Hmm.
Remember how he reacted
when Obama got elected?
It was worse than that.
Stupid question.
What the fuck's on your feet?
Tom Brady wears 'em.
Looks like Marcia Brady wears 'em.
All right, give this to your brother.
And don't touch any of the waitresses.
Hey, Alicia came on to me.
She saved a horse and rode a cowboy.
Aren't you Colt Bennett?
- Do you work here?
- No.
Then yes, I am.
I can't believe
I'm in Colt Bennett's bedroom.
I can't believe I'm here, either.
How old were you in that picture?
Uh, that was high school.
So, uh, 17?
You were really hot.
Duh.
Is that your national championship ring?
Yep. Florida State. '99.
Wow. 1999.
I was six.
Oh, '99...
So that'd make you born in '93.
Carry the one.
And that would make you 24?
- I'm 22.
- Even better.
I'm about to have sex with
a national championship quarterback.
Uh, the backup to the backup quarterback.
You know, now seems like
a bad time to be honest.
Wait. Backup?
But you were the best ever.
Yeah, the coach had it out
for me from day one.
- Why?
- 'Cause I didn't show up till day three.
And I slept with his daughter
on day four. But...
Colt.
She's 22!
Hi, Mr. Bennett.
Dad, this is Heather.
I know Heather.
How's your mom?
She's good. She says, "Hey."
She's a fine woman.
Top-notch bowler.
Put your clothes on, I need a hand.
Wha... seriously?
One of the cow's water just broke
and she's calling your name.
Let's go. Heather...
good seeing you.
Tell your mom Beau says "Hey" back.
Sorry.
Oh, actually, those are my Uggs.
- How's she doin'?
- It's a breech.
Oh, damn it.
All right, Colt.
Get over here and wash your arm.
What?
Why do I got to
put my arm in her?
Why can't Rooster do it?
Because he's not good at it.
Of course I'm good at it.
Last time, you lost your watch in there.
Who cares? It's waterproof.
- Come on, Colt. Hustle it up.
- I'm coming.
God, wait, why can't you hook her up
and I'll just pull the rope?
You know, that's the beauty of having
somebody beggin' for a place to stay.
You can't ask 'em to pay rent,
but you can ask 'em to stick
their arm up a cow's address.
So, come on.
All right, Carla.
Here we go, girl. You're gonna be fine.
You don't have to make love to her,
just get the calf out of there
so we can raise it and slaughter it.
Ew! Forgot how warm it is.
- All right, I got her legs.
- Good.
Feet will be right at the end of those.
Thank you, I know what I'm doing.
God, do I look like an idiot?
Well, you're shoulder-deep in a cow
and ankle-deep in her shit, so...
Man, my Uggs.
Hey, if you feel a Timex up in there,
grab it for me, huh?
You know what? You can't see it,
but I'm flippin' you the bird right now.
All right, one loop for each foot.
- Come on.
- Yeah, I got it!
Oh, you got it?
Well then start pulling!
You know, did it ever occur to you
to encourage me instead of
riding me all the time?
If I rode you, it was 'cause you were
the only one in this family
that had any smarts or talent.
Standing right here, Dad.
I'm aware of that, Jameson.
We all sacrificed
so you had a chance to succeed.
But you weren't willing to work for it.
So, here we are!
You know, where do you get off
being so high and mighty
when you can barely pay
the bills around here?
Who told you that?
I'm allowed to say things.
I'm a person.
I'm gonna go hang out with Heather.
So, is it true?
You in trouble?
It's not my fault.
It's that other bastard.
- What other bastard?
- God.
There hasn't been a decent rain
around here in over a year.
It's hard to raise grass-fed cattle
when there's no grass.
That ain't God, Dad,
that's global warming.
Global warming's a bunch of crap
Al Gore made up
to sell books to Californians.
Besides, what do you care?
You haven't been around this family
the last 15 years.
Yeah. Why do you think I left, Dad?
Because of you.
Well, why are you here now?
Oh, that's right,
you got no place else to go!
Go to hell!
Ah, it ain't breathing.
Hell, I'll get the epinephrine.
I'll give her CPR.
That's not gonna work.
Damn, this is the last thing I need.
You're wasting your time.
Wasting my time.
Well, it worked. He's up.
I'll be damned.
Come here, buddy.
Rooster, we are the proud parents
of a beautiful 85-pound boy.
It was incredible.
That calf was born still.
I gave it CPR
and I brought it back to life.
Wow, Colt.
You had your arm up a cow
and made out with a calf.
You know, you diddle a chicken,
you're in the farmer's Hall of Fame.
I'm gonna go back out and check on him,
make sure that calf is sucking.
Colt...
good job.
- Did he just...
- Yeah. He just said, "Good job."
And then I think he felt nauseous
and went outside to get some air.
I think the last time
he told me "good job"
was when I learned how to walk.
I think his exact words were...
"Jesus, finally."
You know what you should do
to really mess with him?
Go outside, look him straight in the eye,
and say...
"I love you, big fella."
Yeah, then you can go tell him
you're a Democrat.
Oh, God.
I don't think washing helped at all.
Yeah, that smell never really goes away.
You know, my advice is
when it comes to putting
body parts into livestock,
you always wanna use the same arm.
This one... is for pregnant cows
and constipated horses.
This one for eatin',
whistlin' and shakin' hands.
Unless I don't like the guy,
and then I use this one.
Yeah, that was not the vagina
I thought I'd be in tonight.
You know, all in all, it was a good day.
Even prison's fun
when you're just visitin'.
You get to talk on that phone.
Lady next to you puts
her boobies up against the glass.
If it's so bad here,
why don't you just leave?
You're kidding, right?
After you left,
that wasn't much of an option.
Dad needed someone here
to help him run the ranch.
So you felt like you were stuck?
Well, you must think I'm...
Spoiled? Selfish? Irresponsible?
Kind of a wuss?
Okay. I was gonna say "selfish" but...
Conceited? Stubborn?
Full-blown alcoholic?
But...
you were a hell of a football player.
And you had to go.
I was proud of you.
You're my little brother, amigo.
Thank you.
You know, I'm proud of you, too.
Yeah? For what?
You know, I really didn't think there was
gonna be a follow-up question.
All right. Well, I'm gonna go outside
and help Dad with Carla.
Unless, of course, you want to?
Oh, no. You do it.
I can't make eye contact
with her for a while.
Mom?
Oh, hey, Colt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here?
Your father.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You and Dad still...
Every time I see your father, we fight.
And every time we fight, we end up f...
All right! All right!
I got it.
Oh, if it helps,
we weren't facing each other.
No, that does not help at all!
- Do you want some coffee?
- Sure.
Oh, man. Whoa!
What are you doing?
Oh, Carla had a breech birth last night.
So I had to stick my arm up her...
Got it.
If it helps, we weren't facing each other.
That's cute.
Soap and water won't do it.
Need some Tabasco, tomato juice,
a stalk of celery and vodka.
That's a bloody Mary.
Right, you have four of those,
you won't care how your arm smells.
You ready for your tryout?
Yeah, I think so.
I'm a little nervous.
Well, that's good, right?
It means you still care.
How about I make you that pre-game pasta
you used to like?
Thanks, Mom,
I'm not a kid anymore.
How about a pancake
with a whipped-cream face?
Oh, yes, please.
Blue skies.
God, I never thought I'd hate blue skies.
You know, I don't think
it's rained here since you left.
Yeah. Dad told me it's been
kinda rough around here.
"Kinda"?
You up to speed on everything here?
Well, obviously not.
This is the worst year
that anybody can remember.
I mean...
he even had to let Pedro go.
Wait. So, it's just him and Rooster?
Oh... wait.
He's not gonna lose this place, is he?
I mean, that'll kill him.
No. Keeping this place is killin' him.
He's been out there for hours already.
He hardly ever sleeps.
Sorry...
can't put the face on the pancake.
Your father and I used
all the whipped cream up last night.
- Looked good out there, Bennett.
- Oh, hey, thanks.
Yeah. Just taking it one play at a time.
Figure if I give it 110%...
Cut the crap.
This isn't a press conference.
How's the shoulder?
Yeah, it's a little sore.
Nothing three Vicodin and a couple of
shots of whiskey can't take care of, huh?
Funny.
Yes, that was a joke.
Think you can make it
through a whole season?
I can if it means
you got a spot for me.
You're Colt Bennett.
In these parts, you're still a big deal.
Nothing else, you'll sell tickets.
And by that, I mean every player has to
sell at least ten tickets per home game.
What's the starting salary?
Two hundred and fifty a game.
You start, it's a bonus of 50.
If we win, you get another 50.
Are you kidding? I got paid
more than that for playing in college.
Another good one.
Yes, that was also a joke.
Look, I know it's not the big time,
but the quality of play is pretty decent.
And occasionally NFL scouts
do come to these games.
It's a long shot...
Yeah, no, I get it.
You can't win the lotto
if you don't buy a ticket, right?
That's the attitude.
First practice, Wednesday at 11:00.
Extra 15 bucks if you come early
and line the field.
Oh, thanks.
Can't wait!
Oh, damn, Carla.
Yeah, it needs a new head gasket.
All right, I'll order one online.
No. We'll go over
to Henderson's to get one.
If they don't have it,
we'll go someplace else.
No, Amazon will have it here in 24 hours.
See? That's what's wrong
with your generation.
Oh, good.
I was wondering what's wrong with us.
You're a bunch of lazy bastards.
You never wanna leave the house.
What're you gonna do when North Korea
comes knocking on the door?
You gonna order a gun on Amazon?
No, I'm gonna go to
the gun rack in the truck...
or the gun rack next to the fridge,
or the gun rack in the bathroom,
or the second gun rack in the bathroom.
- Hey.
- Hey, how'd it go?
Yeah, it could've gone better.
What do you mean
"It could've gone better"?
I mean I didn't make it.
Damn, Colt. I'm sorry.
You know what you could do?
Strap on those Uggs
and try out for cheerleader.
Screw you.
So...
anyway, I don't know what
my next step's gonna be but...
I thought, if it's all right with you,
I could stick around here for a while.
You're serious?
Yeah.
Guess you were right.
I'm done with football.
Wow, I didn't realize
I'd raised a quitter.
Really?
You've been telling me
to give it up for years.
You've got no sense of humor at all.
Look, for what it's worth...
I'd be happy having you around here
and I'd rather not see you
cripple yourself.
Wait. You just said something nice to him.
And yesterday you said "good job."
Are you dying?
One more thing.
Here.
Where'd you get this?
Sold my championship ring.
Figure all the money you gave me
over the years,
it's the least I could do.
No, thanks.
Uh, Dad, we could use that money.
Yeah, I want you to have it.
Do I look like some kind of charity case?
Oh, come on.
I'm just trying to help.
We've got a country full of
people with their hand out.
All I want is what I earn.
All anybody is gonna do for me is dig...
...a six-foot hole in the ground
and drop me in it.
Well, it ain't gonna be here
'cause you're about to lose this place.
This place isn't yours to save.
Just swallow your pride
and take the damn money!
Not gonna happen.
God, you are such a stubborn
old son of a bitch!
Listen, son...
I'm not too old to kick your ass.
It's like my birthday all over again.
You don't wanna start this with me, Dad.
I didn't start this. You did.
- Don't touch me.
- All right, relax, guys.
No. I started this?
I started this?
You drove me out of here!
And then you drove Mom out of here!
Hell, I left the gate open, even the cows
tried to get away from you!
You're standing awful tall
for a man who came
- crawling back on his hands and knees!
- Hey. Hey!
- You...
- Hey!
What?
It's rainin'.
Screw you, Al Gore!
Couldn't have just told Dad
you wanted to stay?
What are you talking about?
I know you made that team.
Uh, no I didn't.
When you got cut
from that team in Alaska...
you punched out the mascot.
Well, that mouthy penguin
had it coming.
He kept telling the coach
I was drunk at practice.
Were you?
That's not the point.
The mascot's job is to support the team.
You have the worst temper.
If you didn't just make that team,
there is no way you'd be
this calm right now.
All right, don't tell Dad.
If it doesn't make you look like an ass,
it's none of his business.
Isn't this fantastic?
Well, it's a start.
Everything's getting a drink...
including me.
You know,
if someone took a picture of us...
they'd never know
how fucked up we really were.
Well, to the Bennetts.
The Bennetts.
You know, I just wanna point out...
that the rain did not arrive until I did.
So... so, maybe I'm the good luck charm
this family needs.
Hell. The barn's on fire.
Yes, sir. Living room!
I thought you were gonna
take a look at that tractor
and try and see what was...
Check it out.
Colt's home.
What the hell are you doing here?
I thought you were up in Canada
playing amateur's football.
Uh, semi-pro. Yeah, I was playing
for the Saskatoon Cold.
It's like the Miami Heat, except...
you know, cold.
Yeah, we know.
We also heard you got arrested
for flashing Shania Twain
while you were up there.
How'd you even hear about that?
It was in the paper.
"Former high school phenom
Colt Bennett shows Shania his Twain."
First time you made the front page
since the state finals.
I put it on the fridge.
All right, listen to this.
I... They got this hotel up there
made entirely of ice, okay?
And so, I'm a little drunk, and I...
and I see this sweet ice sculpture
of Wayne Gretzky.
And naturally, I think,
I could take a wizz on him.
It's like when you go
to the fancy restaurant
and they put the ice in the pisser.
You know, you get to spray it up
and melt it down.
Yeah.
So, I'm taking a piss
in The Great One's mouth.
And I almost got a hole all the way
through the back of his head.
He shoots, he scores.
When I slip...
Bam! I slide balls first
into Miss Shania Twain.
Did she look down and say,
"That don't impress me much"?
No. She said,
"That makes me feel like a woman."
What are you doing here?
What? Can't just stop in
and say hi to my family?
I remember last time you stopped by.
Said you were done with football.
You wanted to start
helping out around here.
How long ago was that, Rooster?
About six years?
Yes, sir. It was on my birthday.
We were all supposed to go to dinner
but you guys just fought the whole time.
Hey, I got ten bucks anyone
in here knows how old I am.
Then you snuck out of here
in the middle of the night.
Took your brother's truck.
- Left the damn gate open.
- Okay, that wasn't my fault.
Rooster was chasing after me yelling,
"That's my truck!"
And so, I just assumed
he was gonna close it.
Our cows were all over town.
I found one of 'em standing
in the Sizzler parking lot
just staring at a poster of a rib-eye.
I'm 35.
What the fuck's on your feet?
They're boots.
Those are not boots.
They're Uggs.
That's Australian for "boots."
They're ladies' shoes.
Well, Tom Brady wears 'em.
Yeah, well, Tom Brady
gets away with a lot of shit.
Fine. You know what? That's...
You made fun of my clothes,
you made fun of my career,
you made fun of my childhood.
You got anything else
you wanna take a shot at?
That's a stupid haircut.
All right. You know what?
This was a bad idea.
I can't stay here with him,
he's impossible.
Same old Colt,
"I can't stay here, he's impossible."
"I can't stay in this school,
the coach won't let me start."
"I can't stay with this girl.
She doesn't like it when I cheat on her."
Well, speaking of women
who don't like being cheated on,
how's Mom doing?
All right, this is getting good.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
No punches till I get back.
Don't go making accusations
when you don't know the whole story.
Oh, really?
What's the whole story, Dad?
That's none of your damn business.
There we go. There we go.
Why are you here?
I got a tryout...
with a new semi-pro team in Denver.
And I just need a place to stay
for a couple days.
As soon as I make the team,
I'm out of here.
Are you kiddin' me?
Are you still chasing this dream?
I'm a football player.
You're not a football player, Colt.
You're a guy dreamin'
about being a football player.
You're 34.
Oh, sure, you know how old he is.
Uh, 34 is still young to be a quarterback.
That's your three concussions talking.
I don't remember
three concussions.
You know, has it ever crossed your mind
that you might not be right
about everything?
'Cause you were just as sure
when you said the moon landing was fake.
A flag cannot ripple
in the vacuum of space.
Well, you're wrong about me.
I can still make it.
I just need a chance.
Every opportunity you've had...
I'm talking about high school,
college, and the pros...
you've either smoked it or drank it
or screwed it away.
Well, next time it'll be different.
They ought to put that on your tombstone.
"Here lies Colt Bennett.
Next time it'll be different.
He died wearing lady boots."
Seriously? I can't even
shut a truck door right?
I'm sure you could.
Why you choose not to is beyond me.
Hey, I'm gonna hit the head.
But in case you guys
run out of things to fight about...
Colt's jeans cost 85 bucks.
What kind of dipshit pays 85 bucks
for a pair of jeans?
My work is done.
Hey, bartender...
can we get a couple of cold ones, please?
Not a chance, Beau.
Not even for your favorite son?
Colt?
Hi, Mama.
Don't you "Hi, Mama" me.
Give me a hug.
Aw!
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Especially now since you cut your hair
and shaved off that stupid goatee.
Oh, no. That was a playoff beard.
You know I can't grow here.
You ready for your tryout?
You knew about this?
Yeah, I stay in touch with my son.
You should try it.
Can we just get those beers?
You have any complaints about the service,
take it up with the owner.
The owner's kind of a pain in my ass.
That's why the owner lives
in her own Airstream now.
What time you leaving tomorrow?
Oh, early. Tryout's at 2:00.
About the time I'll be getting a beer.
Once you're on that team,
I'll make the drive every Sunday.
Oh, uh, the games aren't on Sunday.
Sunday's reserved for
the high school girls' lacrosse team.
Phew! I just had me one of them
pees that's better than sex.
You know, a pee-gasm.
You know, it's possible
you're not having sex right.
Well, it's also possible
you're not peeing right.
- Hey, Ma, could you grab me a beer?
- Sure, darlin'.
Hank, I'll give you five bucks
for that beer.
Done.
Cheers, Maggie.
Come on. Let's grab a table.
Oh, yeah, good, just the two of us.
Sit and talk for a while.
Would you like a beer?
Ma, I got a tryout tomorrow.
Make it a whiskey.
- You look good, Ma.
- I'm all right.
I got my health,
the bar keeps me pretty busy
and it's filled with a bunch of drunk guys
I can take advantage of if I want to.
You can start with me.
I said, "If I want to," Hank.
- How's it going with your dad?
- Hmm.
Remember how he reacted
when Obama got elected?
It was worse than that.
Stupid question.
What the fuck's on your feet?
Tom Brady wears 'em.
Looks like Marcia Brady wears 'em.
All right, give this to your brother.
And don't touch any of the waitresses.
Hey, Alicia came on to me.
She saved a horse and rode a cowboy.
Aren't you Colt Bennett?
- Do you work here?
- No.
Then yes, I am.
I can't believe
I'm in Colt Bennett's bedroom.
I can't believe I'm here, either.
How old were you in that picture?
Uh, that was high school.
So, uh, 17?
You were really hot.
Duh.
Is that your national championship ring?
Yep. Florida State. '99.
Wow. 1999.
I was six.
Oh, '99...
So that'd make you born in '93.
Carry the one.
And that would make you 24?
- I'm 22.
- Even better.
I'm about to have sex with
a national championship quarterback.
Uh, the backup to the backup quarterback.
You know, now seems like
a bad time to be honest.
Wait. Backup?
But you were the best ever.
Yeah, the coach had it out
for me from day one.
- Why?
- 'Cause I didn't show up till day three.
And I slept with his daughter
on day four. But...
Colt.
She's 22!
Hi, Mr. Bennett.
Dad, this is Heather.
I know Heather.
How's your mom?
She's good. She says, "Hey."
She's a fine woman.
Top-notch bowler.
Put your clothes on, I need a hand.
Wha... seriously?
One of the cow's water just broke
and she's calling your name.
Let's go. Heather...
good seeing you.
Tell your mom Beau says "Hey" back.
Sorry.
Oh, actually, those are my Uggs.
- How's she doin'?
- It's a breech.
Oh, damn it.
All right, Colt.
Get over here and wash your arm.
What?
Why do I got to
put my arm in her?
Why can't Rooster do it?
Because he's not good at it.
Of course I'm good at it.
Last time, you lost your watch in there.
Who cares? It's waterproof.
- Come on, Colt. Hustle it up.
- I'm coming.
God, wait, why can't you hook her up
and I'll just pull the rope?
You know, that's the beauty of having
somebody beggin' for a place to stay.
You can't ask 'em to pay rent,
but you can ask 'em to stick
their arm up a cow's address.
So, come on.
All right, Carla.
Here we go, girl. You're gonna be fine.
You don't have to make love to her,
just get the calf out of there
so we can raise it and slaughter it.
Ew! Forgot how warm it is.
- All right, I got her legs.
- Good.
Feet will be right at the end of those.
Thank you, I know what I'm doing.
God, do I look like an idiot?
Well, you're shoulder-deep in a cow
and ankle-deep in her shit, so...
Man, my Uggs.
Hey, if you feel a Timex up in there,
grab it for me, huh?
You know what? You can't see it,
but I'm flippin' you the bird right now.
All right, one loop for each foot.
- Come on.
- Yeah, I got it!
Oh, you got it?
Well then start pulling!
You know, did it ever occur to you
to encourage me instead of
riding me all the time?
If I rode you, it was 'cause you were
the only one in this family
that had any smarts or talent.
Standing right here, Dad.
I'm aware of that, Jameson.
We all sacrificed
so you had a chance to succeed.
But you weren't willing to work for it.
So, here we are!
You know, where do you get off
being so high and mighty
when you can barely pay
the bills around here?
Who told you that?
I'm allowed to say things.
I'm a person.
I'm gonna go hang out with Heather.
So, is it true?
You in trouble?
It's not my fault.
It's that other bastard.
- What other bastard?
- God.
There hasn't been a decent rain
around here in over a year.
It's hard to raise grass-fed cattle
when there's no grass.
That ain't God, Dad,
that's global warming.
Global warming's a bunch of crap
Al Gore made up
to sell books to Californians.
Besides, what do you care?
You haven't been around this family
the last 15 years.
Yeah. Why do you think I left, Dad?
Because of you.
Well, why are you here now?
Oh, that's right,
you got no place else to go!
Go to hell!
Ah, it ain't breathing.
Hell, I'll get the epinephrine.
I'll give her CPR.
That's not gonna work.
Damn, this is the last thing I need.
You're wasting your time.
Wasting my time.
Well, it worked. He's up.
I'll be damned.
Come here, buddy.
Rooster, we are the proud parents
of a beautiful 85-pound boy.
It was incredible.
That calf was born still.
I gave it CPR
and I brought it back to life.
Wow, Colt.
You had your arm up a cow
and made out with a calf.
You know, you diddle a chicken,
you're in the farmer's Hall of Fame.
I'm gonna go back out and check on him,
make sure that calf is sucking.
Colt...
good job.
- Did he just...
- Yeah. He just said, "Good job."
And then I think he felt nauseous
and went outside to get some air.
I think the last time
he told me "good job"
was when I learned how to walk.
I think his exact words were...
"Jesus, finally."
You know what you should do
to really mess with him?
Go outside, look him straight in the eye,
and say...
"I love you, big fella."
Yeah, then you can go tell him
you're a Democrat.
Oh, God.
I don't think washing helped at all.
Yeah, that smell never really goes away.
You know, my advice is
when it comes to putting
body parts into livestock,
you always wanna use the same arm.
This one... is for pregnant cows
and constipated horses.
This one for eatin',
whistlin' and shakin' hands.
Unless I don't like the guy,
and then I use this one.
Yeah, that was not the vagina
I thought I'd be in tonight.
You know, all in all, it was a good day.
Even prison's fun
when you're just visitin'.
You get to talk on that phone.
Lady next to you puts
her boobies up against the glass.
If it's so bad here,
why don't you just leave?
You're kidding, right?
After you left,
that wasn't much of an option.
Dad needed someone here
to help him run the ranch.
So you felt like you were stuck?
Well, you must think I'm...
Spoiled? Selfish? Irresponsible?
Kind of a wuss?
Okay. I was gonna say "selfish" but...
Conceited? Stubborn?
Full-blown alcoholic?
But...
you were a hell of a football player.
And you had to go.
I was proud of you.
You're my little brother, amigo.
Thank you.
You know, I'm proud of you, too.
Yeah? For what?
You know, I really didn't think there was
gonna be a follow-up question.
All right. Well, I'm gonna go outside
and help Dad with Carla.
Unless, of course, you want to?
Oh, no. You do it.
I can't make eye contact
with her for a while.
Mom?
Oh, hey, Colt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here?
Your father.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You and Dad still...
Every time I see your father, we fight.
And every time we fight, we end up f...
All right! All right!
I got it.
Oh, if it helps,
we weren't facing each other.
No, that does not help at all!
- Do you want some coffee?
- Sure.
Oh, man. Whoa!
What are you doing?
Oh, Carla had a breech birth last night.
So I had to stick my arm up her...
Got it.
If it helps, we weren't facing each other.
That's cute.
Soap and water won't do it.
Need some Tabasco, tomato juice,
a stalk of celery and vodka.
That's a bloody Mary.
Right, you have four of those,
you won't care how your arm smells.
You ready for your tryout?
Yeah, I think so.
I'm a little nervous.
Well, that's good, right?
It means you still care.
How about I make you that pre-game pasta
you used to like?
Thanks, Mom,
I'm not a kid anymore.
How about a pancake
with a whipped-cream face?
Oh, yes, please.
Blue skies.
God, I never thought I'd hate blue skies.
You know, I don't think
it's rained here since you left.
Yeah. Dad told me it's been
kinda rough around here.
"Kinda"?
You up to speed on everything here?
Well, obviously not.
This is the worst year
that anybody can remember.
I mean...
he even had to let Pedro go.
Wait. So, it's just him and Rooster?
Oh... wait.
He's not gonna lose this place, is he?
I mean, that'll kill him.
No. Keeping this place is killin' him.
He's been out there for hours already.
He hardly ever sleeps.
Sorry...
can't put the face on the pancake.
Your father and I used
all the whipped cream up last night.
- Looked good out there, Bennett.
- Oh, hey, thanks.
Yeah. Just taking it one play at a time.
Figure if I give it 110%...
Cut the crap.
This isn't a press conference.
How's the shoulder?
Yeah, it's a little sore.
Nothing three Vicodin and a couple of
shots of whiskey can't take care of, huh?
Funny.
Yes, that was a joke.
Think you can make it
through a whole season?
I can if it means
you got a spot for me.
You're Colt Bennett.
In these parts, you're still a big deal.
Nothing else, you'll sell tickets.
And by that, I mean every player has to
sell at least ten tickets per home game.
What's the starting salary?
Two hundred and fifty a game.
You start, it's a bonus of 50.
If we win, you get another 50.
Are you kidding? I got paid
more than that for playing in college.
Another good one.
Yes, that was also a joke.
Look, I know it's not the big time,
but the quality of play is pretty decent.
And occasionally NFL scouts
do come to these games.
It's a long shot...
Yeah, no, I get it.
You can't win the lotto
if you don't buy a ticket, right?
That's the attitude.
First practice, Wednesday at 11:00.
Extra 15 bucks if you come early
and line the field.
Oh, thanks.
Can't wait!
Oh, damn, Carla.
Yeah, it needs a new head gasket.
All right, I'll order one online.
No. We'll go over
to Henderson's to get one.
If they don't have it,
we'll go someplace else.
No, Amazon will have it here in 24 hours.
See? That's what's wrong
with your generation.
Oh, good.
I was wondering what's wrong with us.
You're a bunch of lazy bastards.
You never wanna leave the house.
What're you gonna do when North Korea
comes knocking on the door?
You gonna order a gun on Amazon?
No, I'm gonna go to
the gun rack in the truck...
or the gun rack next to the fridge,
or the gun rack in the bathroom,
or the second gun rack in the bathroom.
- Hey.
- Hey, how'd it go?
Yeah, it could've gone better.
What do you mean
"It could've gone better"?
I mean I didn't make it.
Damn, Colt. I'm sorry.
You know what you could do?
Strap on those Uggs
and try out for cheerleader.
Screw you.
So...
anyway, I don't know what
my next step's gonna be but...
I thought, if it's all right with you,
I could stick around here for a while.
You're serious?
Yeah.
Guess you were right.
I'm done with football.
Wow, I didn't realize
I'd raised a quitter.
Really?
You've been telling me
to give it up for years.
You've got no sense of humor at all.
Look, for what it's worth...
I'd be happy having you around here
and I'd rather not see you
cripple yourself.
Wait. You just said something nice to him.
And yesterday you said "good job."
Are you dying?
One more thing.
Here.
Where'd you get this?
Sold my championship ring.
Figure all the money you gave me
over the years,
it's the least I could do.
No, thanks.
Uh, Dad, we could use that money.
Yeah, I want you to have it.
Do I look like some kind of charity case?
Oh, come on.
I'm just trying to help.
We've got a country full of
people with their hand out.
All I want is what I earn.
All anybody is gonna do for me is dig...
...a six-foot hole in the ground
and drop me in it.
Well, it ain't gonna be here
'cause you're about to lose this place.
This place isn't yours to save.
Just swallow your pride
and take the damn money!
Not gonna happen.
God, you are such a stubborn
old son of a bitch!
Listen, son...
I'm not too old to kick your ass.
It's like my birthday all over again.
You don't wanna start this with me, Dad.
I didn't start this. You did.
- Don't touch me.
- All right, relax, guys.
No. I started this?
I started this?
You drove me out of here!
And then you drove Mom out of here!
Hell, I left the gate open, even the cows
tried to get away from you!
You're standing awful tall
for a man who came
- crawling back on his hands and knees!
- Hey. Hey!
- You...
- Hey!
What?
It's rainin'.
Screw you, Al Gore!
Couldn't have just told Dad
you wanted to stay?
What are you talking about?
I know you made that team.
Uh, no I didn't.
When you got cut
from that team in Alaska...
you punched out the mascot.
Well, that mouthy penguin
had it coming.
He kept telling the coach
I was drunk at practice.
Were you?
That's not the point.
The mascot's job is to support the team.
You have the worst temper.
If you didn't just make that team,
there is no way you'd be
this calm right now.
All right, don't tell Dad.
If it doesn't make you look like an ass,
it's none of his business.
Isn't this fantastic?
Well, it's a start.
Everything's getting a drink...
including me.
You know,
if someone took a picture of us...
they'd never know
how fucked up we really were.
Well, to the Bennetts.
The Bennetts.
You know, I just wanna point out...
that the rain did not arrive until I did.
So... so, maybe I'm the good luck charm
this family needs.
Hell. The barn's on fire.