The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 9 - Bilko's Allergy - full transcript

(barking orders)

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I tell you, there's
something up.

There's something definitely up.

Call it instinct,
call it a hunch,

I tell you there's
something doing.

Look, Ernie, you've
just got a case of nerves.

Why don't you turn in?

Case of nerves for you,
for me it's storm warnings.

It was the same way
in 1944, in New Guinea,

remember? Right before
that Jap counterattack?



I had the same exact
feeling and sure enough

there it was, right near
the front lines, a crap game.

Yeah, I remember,
you won $1,500.

I'd have won more if it wasn't
for that stupid Banzai charge.

Now you got that
same feeling now?

It's exactly the same feeling.

There's something
doing, I tell you.

- What is he doing?
- It's like radar.

He sends out waves of greed,

they bounce back
when they hit money.

Listen, Ernie, I
checked the whole camp,

there's no action anywhere.

He's right, Ernie,
Ritzik's in bed,

Grover's on duty and
Pendleton went to a movie



and Sherman the
shark is on leave.

Oh, shut you, I tell
you there's a definitely

action here in some place.

Sarge, Sarge,
I saw it! I saw it!

Paparelli, what?

The biggest poker
game in the world.

Where, where?
Tell me everything!

Well, I was in town
standing on the corner

trying to make up my mind.

Come on, come on, the
game, the game. I am, I am.

See, I was trying to decide whether
I should pick up a girl on the outside

or try my luck in the movies.

That way you save 45 cents.

The game, the game!

Don't yell, Sarge, you told
me to tell you everything.

Gee, if you're gonna be grouchy,
you'd rather talk in the morning.

I'm sorry I yelled at
you, Paparelli, come on.

Very well, I accept your
apology. Now, where was I?

When you yell, Sarge,
I can't even think.

- Think, think.
- Oh yes, yes.

I was just about to buy a
ticket when who do you think

walked by and went
into the pool room?

I'll never play..
Him..guessing games.

Who? Elsa Maxwell?

No, I didn't even
know she was in town.

- Guess again?
- I give up, who?

Sherman the shark!

Sherman? You
said he was on leave.

While I'm wondering
where the action is,

he's out there cleaning up.

You wanna hear the
rest of it, don't you?

Come on, tell me.

Well, out of curiosity I
followed him into the pool room,

and there it was, what a game!

There must've been a couple
of thousand dollars on the table.

A couple... Henshaw
get the jeep on the double,

park it on the outside.

Get me my eyeshade
and folding money.

A couple of thousand
dollars right here in Grove City.

Gee, Sarge, if I'd thought
it would have meant

so much to you I'd've
told you 3 hrs ago.

What do you mean?

Well, after I discovered the
game I went into the movies.

You went to the movies?

You waited for 3 hrs to call me?

Well, don't get mad, Sarge,
you usually don't like him.

Who?

Robert Taylor, they were
playing 2 of his old pictures.

Sarge, come on, Henshaw's
waiting outside with the jeep.

I'm sorry, I've gotta
run along now, Paparelli,

but if you're still here when
I get back, I'll gladly kill you.

Last deal, boys, let's make
it big, I open for a hundred.

Ah, gentlemen, sorry to be
late. Don't let me disturb you.

My shades, tie.

Well, all set for a nice comfortable
game of cut-throat poker.

These little jokes will cost
you nothing extra, fellas.

I bet another $100.

- I call, what have you got?
- Three deuces.

All right, fellas,
no post mortems.

Play the next half.

I want... where's
everybody going?

Oh, what is it, a coffee break?

Make mine black with one lump.

That's it, Bilko, the
game's over for tonight.

Game's over?

Yeah, tough, some of
this might have been yours.

Well, I wanna thank you,
Sherman, for inviting me.

What did you ever do for me?

Same time next week, Sherman,

don't forget to bring
plenty of dough.

- Ah, we'll be here.
- Who made you a partner?

What, are you afraid
of a little competition?

Bilko, I don't mind if
you play next week,

but I may as well warn
you, you're in over your head.

Don't worry, pal, I
can take care of myself.

Bilko, these are no stupes
like Ritzik and Grover,

they're too smart for you.

They're professionals, Bilko,
professional poker players.

What do you think I
am, an Army Sergeant?

Not bad, Ernie, I won 810 bucks.

820? You've got 2
tens stuck together.

See you next week, Sherman.

Ok, Bilko, it's your
financial funeral.

This is what I've been
waiting for, a big killing.

If a jerk like Sherman
can win $800,

I'm oughta take them for
8,000, I'll play it big, bold.

$100 bets will be like nothing.

Listen, Ernie, for
a big game like that

you'll need at least $300, $400.

Yeah, how do you like my luck?

Every time opportunity knocks

I ain't got enough
money to open the door.

Hey, how about the platoon?

No good, they're too
cunning, for the past 6 months,

every time I needed money,
they developed an instinct.

They manage to be broke.

I've heard about that instinct.

I think it's called
self-preservation.

You think that's
pretty good huh?

What do you wanna
be, Pvt. Henshaw?

Morning, Sarge,
here's your coffee.

Morning reports duty rosters.
Hey, will you sign this...

Will you shut up,
who wants that?

I've been up all night figuring
out how to raise some money.

- What money?
- Money for next week's game.

- That's what money.
- Here's the mail, Sarge.

Why are you bothering me?

I'll take it, Sarge, I'll
give it out to the boys.

- Wait a minute.
- What's the matter?

Let me have that.

Never heard of money
from home, perhaps?

Listen, Ernie, opening
mail is a federal offense.

I'm not gonna open it.

I just want to see who's
getting what, that's all.

Nothing.

- Nothing.
- How can you tell?

Holding money has
a smell of its own.

Ah, here's one from
Paparelli's mother.

- Money?
- Ravioli...

Maxwell, I didn't know he
knew anybody who could write.

- Ah...
- What have you got, Ernie?

A cheque, I can feel the
perforations. Quick, tell me

who is it for. Quick!

Col. John Hall.

Must have got into
our mail by mistake.

- Tough break, Sarge.
- The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

- It must be a tax refund.
- Ernie, Ernie no.

Oh, shut up.

After all, this is a
democratic Army isn't it.

The officers deserve
the same privileges

as the enlisted men,
and I haven't been fair.

In what way?

Depriving the Colonel of
his right to lend me money.

Hensh, bring this right over

to the Colonel's
secretary right away.

Get me somebody, I need...
Paparelli, he's emotional.

Get him, I'll rehearse him.

Hey, Sarge, how much of a
refund do you think he got?

I'll tell you exactly.

Let me see, full
Colonel's pay is $10,920,

counting full longevity.

There's deductions,
2 dependents...

$305.40.

Yes, Nell, I just got
the cheque, $305.40.

Paparelli, no, it's no good.

Oh, please Sgt. Bilko,
my whole future is at stake.

I'm sorry I told you
time and time again

I heartily disapprove of
this man, now get outside!

Good heavens, we're causing
a rumpus in the Colonel's office.

- Sarge, will you please listen.
- Will you get outside?

This is no time for it, please.

Terribly sorry,
Sir, to disturb you,

will you sign this
requisition, Sir?

- Bilko, what was that all about?
- Oh, Paparelli is so emotional.

If you'll just sign
that requisition, Sir.

Paparelli, seemed so upset.

Oh, he cries at anything, Sir,

if you'll just sign
this requisition, Sir.

Sgt. Bilko, Sgt. Bilko, I can't
go on living without Angelina.

Don't you see the Colonel
and I have more important...

Will you go... Paparelli, I'm
doing this for your own good.

Don't be so emotional, you
only know the girl 10 years.

- But I'll lose her forever.
- Well, I don't care.

Outside, go on.

I'm terribly sorry, Sir,
why don't you sign it

and I'll be out of your way, Sir.
- Who's Angelina?

Well, Sir, I've tried
to keep this from you,

but Pvt. Paparelli
wants to get married.

But it'd be foolhardy
at his tender age, Sir.

- How old is he?
- 31.

Bilko, I was 26
when I got married.

You, Sir, you're comparing
yourself to Paparelli, Sir?

You were always a matured man.

But Paparelli,
he's so emotional,

you know he only
knows the girl 10 years.

Bilko, my wife and I
went together only 3 years

before we got married.

A whirlwind courtship,
how romantic, Sir...

Sgt. Bilko you've
got to help me,

I can't go on living
without Angelina.

Paparelli, do you
realize what you're doing?

This is no... all right, suppose
you got permission to get married,

you wanna go on leave for
your honeymoon, won't you?

You don't another leave
coming for 6 months.

- I can arrange a leave.
- Oh, that's very nice of you, Sir.

All right, so
you've got a leave.

So you wanna go on your
honeymoon, don't you?

Have you got any money
to spend on a honeymoon?

Well, I've got $15.

You see, Sir, he's a boy.

Paparelli, that's hardly
enough for a honeymoon.

The Colonel is right,
to go on a honeymoon

you need at least $300.

My last chance is gone.

All is lost.
Arrivederci, Angelina.

Doesn't it break
your heart, Sir?

- Angelina.
- Bilko, give this to Paparelli.

He can pay it back
whenever he can.

- Oh what is this, Sir?
- That's my income tax refund.

Oh no, Sir, I can't
let you do this, Sir.

You're much... no, Sir, you'll
have to endorse it on the back, Sir,

It's no good with the...

No, Sir, you're
being much too kind.

Is it a joint return, perhaps,
Mrs. Hall should sign it too.

Oh no, I couldn't
accept this, Sir.

Bilko, I insist.

That's awfully
sweet of you, Sir.

I'm sure everything will
work out fine now, Sir.

- I hope so.
- I'm sure of it, Sir.

It's in the cards.

- Angelina.
- I got it, I got it.

1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4.

Hey, what's going in there?

- Bilko's in training.
- What for?

Big poker game in
Grove City, Saturday night.

The champ is sharpening up.

1, 2, 3, 4.1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4. How did I do?

Its' just a practice,
but you'll do better.

Come on, I can handle it.

Tell me, how did I do?

- 10.5 seconds.
- 10.5 seconds.

Jeez, I know little
old canasta players

can do in it in
under 10 seconds.

I'm the one... wait a minute,

what am I doing
with old sticky cards?

Get me a new deck, no
wonder I can't get it moving.

- Here you go, Ernie.
- I'll show you some filibity, now.

All right, you know
you don't think I know,

about the four
diamonds at the bottom

it stays there all the time,
on the old side here we go.

- All right, we're go from...
- Ready, Sarge.

- Ready.
- Get ready, and go!

- 1, 2, 3, 4.
- 1, 2, 3, 4.

- You wanna try another one?
- Try another one, here we go.

- And...
- Hit it.

1, 2, 3, 4.1, 2, 3, 4.

Ernie, you're not coming
down with something, are you?

A little tickle in my throat.

I'm all right, nothing
really, I'm all right.

Don't worry about it.

- Once more, Sarge.
- Now, here we go... and hit it!

1, 2, 3, 4.1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Hey, Sarge, why don't
you take a couple of aspirins

and get into bed?

How about a hot
water bottle, Sarge?

What are you talking
about? Hot water bottle,

a couple of aspirins,
what am I, a child?

Get me an ambulance.

I guess there can be no
doubt about these results.

None whatsoever, Sir.

How would you break news
of this kind to a man like Bilko?

- I don't know, Sir.
- Well, send him in.

- Did you wanna see me, doctor?
- Yes, Bilko, I wanna talk to you.

Well, give it to me
straight, doctor, I can take it.

What is it, hay fever?

Our tests show, Bilko,
that you have an allergy.

Oh, thank heavens it
isn't anything more serious.

What is it? I have to get
away from woollens, cottons.

Bilko, sit down.

Now, Bilko, you are
susceptible to cellutoise.

- Oh well, I'll stop drinking...
- Now, just a moment, Bilko.

Cellutoise is an
important ingredient

in the manufacture
of playing cards.

You are allergic
to playing cards.

You're kidding me, aren't you
doctor? Tell me you're kidding.

It's a little rib between...

No, our tests show that
you're allergic to this chemical.

Doctor, it's a joke.
You're playing a...

No, no, I strongly advise
that you never touch

another deck of playing cards.

Now, do you
understand me, Bilko?

- No more cards.
- No, no, I won't listen.

These million dollar
hands are to stay idle?

He's kidding, isn't he?

He's kidding when he
says you're not kidding,

isn't he, doc? It
means no more poker.

You know what that means
for a man like me no poker?

Now listen to me,
Bilko, that's better.

Now, there are other games.

That's right, I'm sorry that
I... there are other games

scrabble, domino, I can
join a Mahjong group.

Of course, Bilko.

I must face the realities of
life and emergency of course,

you have to live up to it.

Well, thanks to both of you.

- Thank you, doctor.
- That's the spirit, Bilko.

- Thank you.
- Good bye.

No more poker, no cards at
all? Nothing, you understand?

What do you say,
let's get started.

Yeah, we're waiting for Bilko.

I thought he was in the hospital
with some kind of an allergy.

Oh, but he figured out a
way to play in spite of it.

Don't worry, he'll
be here. Here he is.

He says good evening,
gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late.

What's with the get up, Bilko?

He says he's allergic to
cards so he's gonna use

the mask and rubber gloves.

That's a new, Bilko.

All right, first cards,
first ace deals.

What did he say?

He says if for any
reason this should fail

proceed immediately to plan 2.

- Your deal, Bilko.
- Come on, let's get moving.

I got you, Ernie, 3.

Come on, Henshaw,
it's time to take our break.

Is this a poker game
or Army maneuvers?

Come on, Henshaw, find
out what Bilko wants to do.

Hello, Ernie, Morgan has
a pair of aces showing,

Sherman has 3 diamonds,
you've got the queens of hearts

and the 7 of clubs and
a blue gizmo in the hole.

- What's a blue gizmo?
- It's a code name.

How do I know?

What do I do, Ernie? Over.

Now hear this, you've got a pair
of queens, check with the ace,

and when he makes his
bet, sand bag him good. Over.

- What do I bet, Ernie? Over.
- Bet...

Come in, come in, Ernie.

All I get is a lot of
coughing and sneezing.

We better get to him before
he puts plan 4 into operation.

Yeah. Hey, what was that again?

Plan 4 is where he
drives the jeep over a cliff.

Doctor, can you help me?

Now, Bilko, the fact that you
weren't even in the same room

as the card game and still
developed these allergic symptoms

points to a psychological
disturbance.

What do you mean, doctor.

Well simply this, Bilko,
your coughing and sneezing

during a card game
is probably triggered

by feelings of guilt.
- Guilt?

What have I got
to be guilty about?

I'm not guilty, your honor.

Well I mean, doctor...
what am I guilty about?

Finding that out will
take years of analysis.

Oh, by that time I'll be bankrupt.
What can we do, doctor?

However there is
one possible shortcut.

- What is that?
- Hypnosis.

Hypnosis? Well,
that's ridiculous, doctor.

In order for one to be
a subject for hypnosis

one has to have a weak
mind and no will power at all.

So you can see, I'm
the exact opposite type.

It would never...

- Bilko?
- Yes, master.

Now listen, Bilko, now
something has happened

that gave you a guilt
complex about playing poker.

Is there someone you've made
unhappy, a big loser perhaps?

Yes, someone very kind.

I should have
never done it, doctor.

I feel so ashamed.

Now, who is it this
person, your father?

No.

- Your brother?
- No.

- A friend.
- No.

- Well then who, who?
- Col. Hall.

Well, I think it's all
quite clear now, Bilko.

So you can see,
doctor, hypnosis is out.

We'll have to go
into years of analysis.

Bilko, your coughing and
sneezing is purely psychosomatic.

Every time you come
near a deck of cards

you feel guilty about what
you've done to Col. Hall.

What I did to Colonel?
Who did anything to Colonel?

- Who says I did anything?
- You did.

I... you mean I was...

Like a light.

Now listen, Bilko, you know how

you've always
mistreated the Colonel.

You've lied to him and you've
deceived him, and for what?

To satisfy your
need to play poker.

That's right, doctor.

Obviously your
coughing and sneezing

is merely the voice
of your conscience.

My conscience?

Yes, you didn't know
you had one, did you?

What can I do, doctor?

Well, if you want this
allergy to disappear

I strongly recommend that you
change your attitude to the Colonel.

Show him that you
respect and appreciate him.

By George, I'll do it.

I only hope that I
can do it in time.

- In time for what?
- Saturday night's poker game.

How is it, Sarge?

"Our beloved leader,
Col. John Hall."

Perfect, hang that right
behind the center of the dais.

Hey, Sarge, you mean
just like being a good soldier

and by being nice to the Colonel

that will make your
allergy disappear?

Of course, what do you
think I'm giving the Colonel

a Surprise
Testimonial dinner for?

After all, we've gotta
show him respect.

He's our leader, no
matter what we think.

Hey, Sarge, I got the flags.

Good, drape them around
the Colonel's photograph.

Photograph, Fender,
on the double, Fender.

- Find me painting all...
- What do you want, Sarge?

Look, did you get me those
candid shots of the Colonel

for the souvenir program?
- I'm on my way now.

Good, gimme a lot of pictures,

you know at work, at play, move it.
- You got it.

You know what else I need?
When the flags are draped

I want lights playing...

Wait a minute, we're
gonna need a guest speaker.

What's the name of
the Colonel's friend

that works in the
inspector general's office?

- O'Donnell.
- That's it, take a wire.

Col. Walter T.
O'Donnell, that's his name,

care of inspector general's
office, Pentagon, Washington DC.

"Dear Sir, in recognition of
his 25 years of faithful service

to the United States Army,
the men of Camp Fremont

are tendering a surprise
testimonial dinner

to their beloved
Colonel John T. Hall.

We respectfully
ask your appearance

as our surprise guest speaker

on the 19th, can
you be with us..."

you know what to put
with the rest of the wire.

Good, now let's get moving.

- Got the scroll, Sarge.
- Scroll, let me see it.

We the undersigned at Camp
Fremont pay tribute to... very good.

Now get me 5,000 signatures,
on the board, move it.

Hey, Ernie, are you
sure you want this order

posted on the bulletin board?

I definitely want this
on the bulletin board.

"There will positively
be no gambling

of any kind in the
motor pool area."

The men will never believe it.

They'll believe it when they
see my signature at the bottom.

Give me a pen.

What's the matter, Ernie?

I can't make my hand
work. You think it's easy?

With one stroke of this pen,
I'm violating my whole way of life.

- Good morning, Col. Hall.
- Good morning, Capt. Barker.

- How are you, Sir?
- Fine, just wonderful.

What a beautiful day.

You know, Captain, this is the
part of the day that I enjoy most.

8:30 in the morning, Sir?

Yes, I guess it's
because I know Bilko

won't be up for another 3 hours.

Speaking of Bilko, Sir.

Look what I found
on the bulletin board.

A no gambling order
signed by Bilko?

What do you suppose this means?

(barking orders)

You look a bit pale,
Sir, what's wrong?

I don't know, but if Bilko
is marching the men

at 8:30 in the morning it
must be something big.

Maybe we're at war.

It does seem strange, Sir,
first the no gambling order,

and now drilling his platoon.

Captain, I don't know
what Bilko is up to,

but I'm not going
to let him bother me.

Where did I put those aspirins?

What's that noise in my garden?

You there?

Oh, hello Sir, may I compliment
you on your garden, Sir.

Your gladiolas
are beautiful, Sir.

Bilko, what are you
doing in my garden?

Well Sir, I noticed your
hedges are a little ragged,

I thought I would even them out.

You don't mind, do you?

How much is this gonna cost me?

- Oh no, there's no charge.
- No charge?

Of course not. Now if
you'll excuse me, Sir,

there's a lot of work
to be done here.

My, you have an
awful lot of crabgrass.

Where shall we go?
There, we have it.

Who were you talking to, John?

Bilko, he's working
in our garden.

Oh, isn't that sweet of him.

Oh, Nell, you're so
naive and unsuspecting.

What do you mean?

He wants something.

But what?

John, are you asleep?

Of course not, I don't dare.

John, you just
must get some rest.

This is the 3rd night in a
row that you've had insomnia.

It's the 4th night, if
you don't believe me,

count the circles under my eyes.

Col. Hall, Sir, you're right.

Bilko is up to something, I found
this telegram in the day room.

It's from the Pentagon.

"Arriving Camp
Fremont tomorrow night.

Agreed Col. Hall
deserves the works.

Will maintain secrecy.

Signed, O'Donnell,
Inspector General's Office."

What does it mean, Sir?

It only means one thing,
Bilko is turning me in.

He's been nice to me all week.

Setting me up for the kill,
he wants to get rid of me.

But why should he
want to get rid of you?

He obviously wants a
new commanding officer,

somebody who's not
on to all of his tricks.

So that must be why he...

What is it, Barker? Out with it.

Well, Sir, I understand
that Bilko's men

have been
circulating a petition.

What does it say about me?

I don't know, Sir,
but I understand

that it has about
5,000 signatures.

What? He's turned the
whole camp against me.

Well, there goes a
25 year Army career.

What was that?

It's been happening all day.

Bilko's gathering evidence.

That will be captioned
"Asleep at the switch."

One more thing, Sir, I
understand that Bilko's men

are hanging flags
in the Recreation Hall

and setting up a
long table with chairs,

do you know what
that's all about?

I do now.

They're getting ready
for my court martial.

But isn't there anything
you can do, Sir?

It's too late, and what's
more I've got it coming.

Any commander
who will tolerate Bilko

for 15 years deserves
anything he gets.

(barking orders)

Come in.

(barking orders)

Colonel, will you
come with us please?

I'm ready, Bilko.

(barking orders)

Detail halt! (barking orders)

Well, Sir, shall we go in?

Bilko, before we go in,
I'd like to say one thing,

we've been battling
each other for 15 years,

but I never thought
you'd do a thing like this.

- You underestimated me, Sir.
- I sure did.

Well, if this is what
you and the men want,

let's get it over with.

Shall we?

- John?
- Walter.

I came as soon as
I heard about this.

Since it has to be, I'm glad
they picked an old friend.

Let's get it over with.

I know how you feel. Sgt.
Bilko, let us commence.

- Yes, Sir.
- For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow

which nobody can deny.

Bilko, I don't understand.

Well, it's just our way of
showing our appreciation, Sir,

to a fine officer and gentleman

who has served this country
for 25 glorious years, Sir.

Bilko.

Fender? How long before
I can have a print of that?

Oh, about 60 seconds.

Good, I wanna
show it to my doctor.

I mean, all of my friends.

I don't know what to
say, thank you, Ernie.

He called me Ernie.

There it is gentlemen,
read 'em and weep.

I will be glad to meet
you all next week.

Groan, groan, a sucker's groans
is music to a gamblers ears.

Here you are, Hensh, its $305

you give that to the
Colonel immediately.

And the rest of
this is all clear profit.

Gee, Ernie, you're
your old self again.

Yeah, that doctor was
really on the ball, look at this.

No coughing, no sneezing.

I don't mind telling you, it
had me worried for a while.

I can't imagine anything worse,

than a guy like me
being allergic to cards.

Well, shall we
continue the counting?

Ok, for the coffee
and doughnuts.

I'll take care of that,
honey, how much is it?

- Let me total it up.
- Yeah with...

What's the allergy this time?

It happened the minute
she came in the room.

Sarge, could you
possibly be allergic to...

Oh no.

Allergic to girls, no, anything
but that, please, not that.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Nelson Olmsted
as Captain Masters.

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker.

Frank Thomas Sr.
As Col. O'Donnell.

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

Jack Cannon as
Sherman the Shark.

Dort Clark, James Carew and
Ray Singer as the poker players.