The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 4 - Bilko the Potato Sack King - full transcript

(barking orders)

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Boy, look at these reports from
Idaho, Montana, Long island.

Why, it's going to be the
biggest potato crop in 10 years.

That's wonderful! And,
Harley, we've got to make sure

that most of those
potatoes are in our sacks.

Now, we've got to increase
out burlap production,

expand our sales staff.

We've got to go all out.

We'll need a crackerjack
sales manager.

You're right. How
about Fred Henderson?



No, he just signed
with Burlington.

- How about Kirby Adams?
- He just went in business for himself.

Hey, you know, this is going
to be tougher than I thought.

Why, we need a guy with
tremendous drive, push, energy.

He's gotta be a
natural born salesman.

Wait a minute.
I think I've got it.

The greatest
salesman I ever saw.

Who? Who? What's his name?

- Ernie Bilko.
- Bilko?

- What firm's he with?
- He's with the United States Army.

He was my old Sergeant.

An Army Sergeant?

I thought you said he
was a great salesman.

He could sell anything, we
were in the South Pacific together.



With my own eyes I saw him
sell sun lamps to the natives.

Really? Well, where is he now?

Still in the Army?

Well, do you think he'll
give up a military career

to go in to the potato
sack business?

I'm sure he will when
I send him a telegram

offering him a salary
of $20,000 a year.

Take it easy, Sarge.
Just sit down in the chair.

- Where's the telegram?
- It's in your hand Ernie.

- Where's my hand?
- Right here.

Rocco, read me the
part about the money.

Yeah. "Dear Ernie."

No, no, read me the
part about the money.

"We would like you to take
over as a sale manager"

Why won't he read me
the part about the money?

"For the salary of
$20,000 a year."

Did you hear that?
20, 20, 20,000.

"We would like you
to report to the plant."

He went past the
part about the money.

- 20,000 a year.
- Say it again.

- 20,000 a year.
- Now you say it.

20,000 a year.

- Say it together.
- 20,000 a year.

It's true! It's true!

At last, my true genius
has been recognized.

At last, I take my rightful
place in the world of industry.

I knew it would happen, Ernie.

You knew? Well, then it's a
trick. You sent the telegram.

He wants me out of
here so he can take over.

- That's a sneaky...
- Ernie, he didn't send the telegram.

You did, I'd recognize
your dirty work anywhere.

Will you take it easy,
Ernie? It's for real,

here, look at the
address. St. Louis.

- Were you ever in St. Louis?
- No.

- Were you ever in St. Louis?
- No, Ernie.

Read me the part
about the money, here.

And now, men, like so
many great military leaders

who have served
their country well,

I must reluctantly leave the
Army and go into civilian life.

We mustn't be selfish, after
all, industry needs leaders too.

And so farewell,
especially you, Fender,

I've known you the longest,
and they've been great years.

Goodbye, Sarge.

Sam, as a token of my
affection, Fender, I want you

to have one of my
most prized possessions.

- My radio.
- Oh, thanks, Sarge.

I always wanted...
that's my radio.

You borrowed this
from me 5 years ago.

Then it'll mean
all the more to you.

Well, Dino, it's
arrivederci time.

- Sarge.
- No, no, don't break down.

Give me that
smiling, soldier boy.

- That's the Dino I know.
- I'll never forget you, Sarge.

I'll never forget
you, Paparelli.

And there's Mullen.

Hard as nails on the outside,
but soft as mush on the inside.

That's me, Sarge.

Ah, Mullen, I don't
think any 2 Army buddies

had a greater time than we had.

The laughs... remember
that $5 you owe me?

I should forget about it, Sarge?

No, give it to me, I
need it for bus fare.

We don’t get paid till the
following week, you know.

And there he stands, how do
you say goodbye to Doberman.

How, how can I thank you

for the countless things
you've done for me.

The way you washed my shirts.

The way you darned my socks.

The way you pressed my pants.

No, no, they can't take
that away from me. And now,

now you've even packed my bag.

No, it's my bag, Sarge.
I'm going with you.

That's cute, he wants
to go with his master.

- Sarge, don't leave me here.
- You better hold him after I go.

I don't want him
running after the bus.

- Doberman, I've gotta go.
- Attention!

Last minute judo
instructions, Sir,

I was teaching them
the Hio Waka Hak, Sir.

- As you were, men.
- Thank you, Sir.

Well, Bilko, I
wanted to bring over

your discharge
papers personally.

Well, thank you very much, Sir.

I think you'll find
everything in order,

all signatures
are in triplicate.

Have a nice trip.
See you next week.

But, Sir, these are my
discharge papers, Sir.

I'm leaving the
Army for good, Sir.

You'll come back,
Bilko, you always do.

See you next week.

But, Sir, you don't
understand, this is permanent.

I'm going into the outside world
to become a big business man, Sir.

Bilko, I don't want
to sound cynical

but you've raised my
hopes too many times.

See you next week.

He can't bear the
thought of me leaving

so he resorts to
this subterfuge.

But, gentlemen, these
are my final words,

mark them and mark
them well. I shall not return.

Sarge, don't leave me.

All right, Hawkins, all
right, I want you men

down there in the
mill to get on the ball.

What are you doing?
Watching the girls

across the street
in the laundry?

Must I remind you
you're supposed to be

turning out potato sacks?

I'm making this
a million bag year

and I want
everybody on the ball.

Now, pull down the
shades and get back to work.

Hi-yaa-yup! Look alive!

Did I startle you Miss LaVerne?

I'm sorry, but as we
always said in the Army

the men need authority,
you've got to show it to them.

Yes, Col. Bilko.

Oh, come now, there
is no need to refer to me

by my former military title.

Take a letter to all the
district sales managers.

You will do that
for me, won't you,

like the dear
sweet girl you are?

Oh, you do take
shorthand, don't you?

Yes I do.

You know, in the excitement
of our interview I forgot to ask.

Oh, I'm gonna see
that you get a raise.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Bilko.

Oh, but you will have
to be a patient girl.

You see, they have some silly
rule here about working here

a week or so more
before you get a raise.

Where were...
oh yes, the letter.

"To all district sales managers.

Gentlemen, I suggest in
your future sales campaign

you reflect my
slogan, which is, quote,

"The well-dressed potato
will wear a steadfast sack!"

Unquote. Now,
have you got that all?

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, I can hardly wait for the
office Christmas party to start.

Good dear, post those
letters now, get them out.

Ernie, I've just been
reading your estimates.

Do you really you can
make it a million bag year?

I don't know, Roy, I'm new here,

I kind of don't want to get
out on the limb, you know.

Oh, you deliver half of
that and we'll be happy

and so will you be
with a big fat bonus.

Say, that's swell, Roy.

Good deal, see you
down at the club, huh.

Oh, speaking of the
club, Miss LaVerne,

I've been having
trouble with this vibe.

I can't seem to get that whip.

- You play golf, Miss LaVerne?
- No I don't, Sir.

Oh, well you should.

Come here, I'll show
you, it's very simple.

Just hold the club
naturally as you would.

Now, don't tense up
and be relaxed, that's it.

Keep your head, wrist,
now give it a swish and away,

and a swish. Oh, darn.

Yes? Send him in.
It's Mr. Mackenzie.

Oh, is it, well he's
5 minutes late.

- Good morning, Mr. Bilko.
- Good morning, Mr. Bilko.

You're 5 minutes
late, must I remind you

this is a business office?

- Move it, move it.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Bilko.

Sorry, sorry, let's get
going. Where was I? Oh yes.

Take a letter, Miss LaVerne.

"To the United States
Olympic committee.

My dear Mr. Blundage.

How about a potato sack race
in the next Olympic games?

We were just thinking
what a disgrace it is

this fine old American
game has been ignored."

Sign that the citizens
committee for potato sack races.

- Got it.
- Nice and even.

- Nice and even.
- It's 10:15, Mr. Bilko.

Time for your coffee break.

You do worry
about me, don't you?

- I like that.
- Good morning, Mr. Bilko.

Well, good morning, Armand.
What delicious little tit-bits

have you concocted
for me this morning?

Cold orange juice,
crisp bacon and eggs,

and steaming hot coffee.

Splendid, splendid.
I'll take that, dear.

Hello, Bilko here.

Oh yes, Mr. Kenny, we're
just filling out your order,

20,000 bags we'll ship it
out by the end of the week.

What? What, you
wanna cancel the entire...

But wait a minute, Mr. Kenny,
you don't mean to cancel the...

- Mr. Kenny, hold it, hello?
- Anything wrong, Mr. Bilko?

Oh, no, just a
slight cancellation.

I mean, when you're
going for a millions bags,

what does a slight
cancellation of 20,000 mean?

Hold that a minute.

This bacon is curled,
I distinctly told you

I want the bacon
flat, flat, and crispy.

Did you see this? I
got 5 cancellations.

What does it mean?

Oh, nothing, some little potato
bug's causing a little trouble.

Pour the coffee,
don't just stand there.

It won't pour itself
and get something.

Ernie, Harley, we're
finished, we're through.

What are you talking about, Roy?

Our potato sack
business is finished.

Our factory will be closed
by the end of the week.

You mean the cancellations.
Bilko did you hear that?

Oh, that, that's nothing, a
mere 1%, it can mean... the jam.

Get the jam on the table.
And watch those side burns.

You want a little
coffee darling?

We'll be hearing from
the other 99 before noon.

Well, what is it?
What's happened?

Well, somebody
brought out a plastic bag

that's even cheaper than
burlap, all the potato farmers

in the country
are snapping it up.

A plastic bag? I
wonder what it's like.

He's got one.

Plastic potato bag,
where did you get it?

Oh, some jerk came in last
week, said he was the inventor.

- I threw him out.
- You threw him out?

- Why didn't you...
- What's the difference?

We're not in plastics,
we're in burlap,

and we're stuck with
over 100,000 yards of it.

Come on, Harley, let's
see what we can salvage.

Hey, wait a minute,
Roy, you're not going to

give up without a fight. I'll
make a whistle-stop tour.

I'll go from door to
door. Barn to barn.

Forget it, Ernie, we're through.

I'm sorry it didn't pan out,

I still think you're
a great salesman.

Hey, get that stuff out of here.
I suddenly lost my appetite.

- Yes, Mr. Bilko, that will be $3.80.
- Charge it to the company.

I just heard what happened to
the company, that will be $3.80.

Come on, get out, out, out.

Does that mean I have to
look for another job, Mr. Bilko?

I'm sorry, sweetie, but don't
you worry your pretty little head,

I'll write you out
a recommendation

to some other top executives.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Bilko.

Oh incidentally,
while you're looking

if you hear anything for me, give
me a ring, you know my number.

I could've dictated some
wonderful things to that girl.

Too bad, Mr. Bilko,
you're only here a week,

and you're out of a job.

Oh, the Colonel was right.

One week. Oh, Scotty,
make the haircut real close

the Army likes it that
way, G.I., real close.

Well, here you are captain.

I can't get over how well
you're looking, Col. Hall.

One week without Bilko is like
a year on the French Riviera.

But I guess the vacation
will be over soon.

I don't understand,
Sir Bilko is gone.

He left the Army.

Captain Barker, did you
ever run away from home

when you were a little boy

And the minute it got dark
you came running back

into your Daddy's arms?

Well, our boy will be home soon.

Do we have to
take him back, Sir?

It's the rules, Captain.

We've got to protect the
country against the enemy.

Anything wrong, Sir?

That knock, I'd recognize it
anytime, it sends a chill up my spine.

Come in.

And surprise!

Good morning, Bilko, here
are your re-enlistment papers.

- Your form 20.
- Thank you, Sir.

- Your uniform
requisitions - Splendid.

Your duty rosters. Now
get back to the motor pool.

Get back to the motor pool.

How I've longed to
hear those words again.

Only yesterday I was at the
Board of Directors meeting,

my name had come
up for nomination

as Chairman of
the Board for life,

I was about to accept, but
this voice kept saying to me,

"get back to the motor
pool." And here I am.

Just get out of the civilian
clothes and back in the uniform.

You know it. You
know I'll do it, Sir.

Glad to be back, it's going
to be fun, fun, work, work.

He's back.

Yes, we'd better alert the
M.Ps, double the guard,

warn the finance department.

The vacation is over.

Hey, Sarge, the factory
folded just like that, huh?

Just like that.

Some joker came up
with a plastic potato sack.

There we were stuck with
a 100,000 yards of burlap.

Here you go, Bilko.

Hold it, what's with
the landing barges?

They're for you,
your G.I. shoes.

Oh, not for me,
pal, not for my feet.

Give me a pair of those
low cut Italian shoes.

If you want Italian shoes,
Bilko, join the Italian Army.

Sign the supply list.

Robert Hall never
treated me like this.

- Everybody's a comedian here.
- All right, file on in.

New recruits, Sergeant, can you
fix them up with their uniforms?

Yeah, sure boys, here you are.

Here, watch it, will you sonny?

Sorry, pop. Man they're
sure drafting them

pretty old these days.

I want that boy in my
platoon, get his number.

Be careful how you
handle those uniforms.

You got over $200
worth of clothes there,

so take good care of them.

Wow, I never had so many
clothes before in my life, $200 worth.

Now, that's the
business to be in.

Woollen, imagine what
those manufactures make

selling uniforms to the Army?

And you had to be in burlap.

Too bad they don't make
uniforms out of burlap.

I wish they would make
uniforms out of burlap,

if they did I know where
they can put their hands

on a 100,000 yards of burlap.

That's what it...

Burlap uniforms...

Shut up, you want the
manufacturers to hear you?

But, Ernie, who'd wear burlap?

You, him, me, him.

Wire Eastman and tell him
to re-open the mill, come on...

Hey, Bilko, did you
sign for those uniforms?

Sign? I'm not a wearer,
I'm a manufacturer.

Taffy Williams to see
Miss Alcott, please.

I'm sorry, Miss Alcott is tied
up in an editorial conference.

Well, do you know, does she
have all the fashion models

for the fall issue yet?

Not yet, if you'll
just have a seat,

- I'll call you when she's free.
- Thank you.

My dear, will you tell your
fashion editor that Mr. Bilko is here.

I'm sorry, we're not using
any male models for this issue.

Bless your heart, that is
sweet, though I have no time.

I'm Mr. Bilko of
Steadfast Mills.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bilko, Miss
Alcott is in conference.

Oh, have they
started without me.

Good heavens, you see I
was piloting my own plane here.

Completely forgot the time.

I'll go in myself,
which room is it?

- Oh, just a minute.
- I'll find it, thank you so much.

Now, be an angel and
take these sketches over

to the art department
for me, will you?

Oh, I beg your pardon. I
was looking for Miss Alcott.

I seem to have stumbled
into the models' dressing room.

- I am Miss Alcott.
- You're Miss Alcott?

Oh, I can't bear it, my dear.
You're really Miss Alcott?

Well, I can see this
magazine will never be stuck

for a cover, not with
that face and that hat.

Oh, that hat, it's
darling, it's not a hat.

It's a head of an
angel, my dear.

What is it you
want? Who are you?

I'm Ernest Bilko, Steadfast
Mill, St. Louis, sit down sweetie.

Oh, I have a bone to pick
with you, you naughty girl.

With me?

Oh yes, I know all about
your article for the next issue.

Time to change the
American uniform G.I. Joe.

A new fashion, oh, really
dear if you print that article

we'll be out of
business in a week.

- What business?
- Woolens, we make uniforms.

We've been in the military
uniform business since 1776.

As a matter of fact, it
was my firm that outfitted

the entire Civil War,
and what a job they did.

It was blue by day,
and gray by night.

Oh dear, a silly argument,
you're not really...

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

There's no reason to
attack our Army's uniforms.

I think they're
quite attractive.

Bless your heart, that's exactly

what my friend has
been saying for 182 years.

Now, how can anybody
protest about our uniforms

when you look at the
uniforms of the other nations?

Now look, look at
the British uniforms.

Have you ever seen anything so
drab and dismal? Why, it's dreary.

I knew what you were
going to say, it's dreary.

You think that's bad.

Look at this uniform of
the French Calvary men.

Do you believe it?

I mean, I don't understand
the French at all.

When it comes to their women's
gowns, they're so magnificent

but when it comes to their
soldiers, any rags will do.

I wouldn't call that a rag.

Well, dear, you're
just being patriotic.

I know they're our allies,
and you're being polite,

but really, dear, look,
look at the shabbiness

and the dreariness of
these uniforms as compared

to the uniform of our
American soldiers.

Is that one of our soldiers?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, this very soldier

was chosen best dressed soldier
at Camp Fremont last month.

- He was?
- Yes he was.

He doesn't look like any
soldier I've ever seen.

I know what you're saying.
So comfortable, so relaxed.

Yes it's the aim of my
company to see that

every American soldier
looks just like that.

Now, dear, how can you
possibly write an article

about changing our uniform?

Mr. Bilko, after
what I've just seen,

I'm not only going
to write that article,

I'm going to start a
personal campaign

to get our uniforms changed.

Why, I'll be ruined. What'll
happen to my business?

You can design a new uniform.

But, my dear, there's
just so many things

you can do with woollens.

I mean, if I had some
other material to work with.

Why not other material?

Why not? That's a splendid idea.

No wonder you're the
head of this organization,

why not another material?

As matter of fact, our scientists
are working in the laboratory,

now on a new material, I
think they call it Burlicon.

It's terribly strong, inexpensive
and amazingly chique.

Will men look good in it?

My dear, potatoes
will look good in it.

Oh, one thing, now how
can I be sure your magazine

can influence the Army? After
all you cater mostly to women.

Mr. Bilko, I influence
the women of this country.

And the women influence the men.

Oh, touché, touché, dear.

Now, it's back to
the drawing board.

And thank you... by the way
is that Miss or Mrs. Alcott?

- Miss.
- Miss, I'm so glad...

Jack, may I see you a moment?

All right, dear, but I
am extremely busy.

Have you seen the latest
issue of the La Mode?

No dear, now...

They have the most exciting
idea about a new Army uniform.

You'd look wonderful in that.

If the Army made me
wear a uniform like that,

I'd join the navy.
- Jack.

Look, dear, the Army
is not gonna spend

millions of dollars
for new uniforms.

Well, this would cost much
less than the old uniform.

It's made of a new miracle
fabric called Burlicon!

I don't care if it's
made of cashmere.

I love the old uniforms.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Nell,
I've more important things to do

than to chit chat about
the latest fashions.

I have a conference. Burlicon...

- New uniform.
- Oh, men!

Hello, would you get me
Gen. Anderson's wife, please?

Of course I saw it,
Nell. Isn't it a dream?

Yes, I showed it to the
General this morning.

It'll take a little time,

but he'll come around
to my way of thinking.

I wonder if Gladys saw it.

I certainly did see it
and I think it's just darling.

I'm going to show it
to the Congressman

as soon as he gets home.

He may be a power in the house

but here at home I'm the boss.

I wonder what
Helen thought of it.

I thought it was magnificent.

Didn't you just love
the cumberbund?

I asked the Senator to
have some of his colleagues

over for dinner.

We've all got to get
out and push this thing.

Oh boy, what's wrong
with the old uniform?

I think it looks fine.

Now look, Harvey,
these are changing times.

We're moving ahead
in space and in science.

We have to consider
all kinds of changes.

Don't you agree, Ralph?

Exactly what my
wife was saying to me.

I mean exactly what
I said to my wife.

After all, our soldiers
must always look their best.

Why, aren't they our
ambassadors all over the world?

Is this what you call
looking your best?

Well it isn't so
long ago we wore

3 cornered hats and britches.

All right, let's go back
to that, but not this.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Harvey, we can argue
about this all week.

I say let's put it up
to a majority vote.

That's a very good
idea. Now let's settle this.

All those in favor of adopting
the new Burlicon uniform

raise your hands.

All right, a good soldier
knows when he's licked.

- Burlicon!
- Well I guess that settles it.

The designer is outside
waiting for our decision.

Well, Corporal, will
you show Mr. Bilko in?

I guess we're ready to discuss
the contract with him now.

Bilko reporting. Oh, excuse
me, a habit from my Army days.

You see, I served for
a short while myself...

nothing as important as you,
gentlemen, but I was there.

Well, here we are, this is it?

This is where it all happens?

Well, Mr. Bilko, we've
reached a decision.

Good news, I hope.

Yes, we've decided to
adopt your new uniform.

Splendid.

But there'll be some
modifications, of course.

Oh, I understand, a
button here, a cuff there.

After all I'm just a designer.

You gentlemen see it from
the more practical viewpoint.

Well, how many uniforms
do you think you might need?

Well, with our combined
land and air forces

I'd say about a million.
- Splendid.

I seem to have developed
this cramp in my wrist.

Would you mind filling
out the order blank.

I've been up sewing
all night. Do you mind?

Before we sign anything,

I'd like to see those
uniforms on a soldier.

That's a good point.

I like this gentleman,
he shows caution.

That's what we need in
the Army, cautious men.

Splendid.

I took the liberty
of asking 2 soldiers

to model the new uniforms,
you'll see them presently.

Will you show those two
young men in, please?

Two boys I don't
know, they were kind

and I just asked them,
they were strangers.

Oh, don't they look splendid?

Boy, if I knew the
Army was gonna

have these kinds of uniforms,

believe me, I'd consider
re-enlisting myself.

- You're Cpl. Sam?
- Barbella.

Oh, Barbella. And
you're Hillman?

- Cpl. Henshaw.
- Cpl. Henshaw. Cpl. Barbella.

Would you do a little
calisthenics, young man,

so the Generals
can see the uniform

in its practical view point?

Go! Hey, notice the
freedom in the trousers.

Notice the
flexibility of the arm.

I assure you, soldiers will
be asking for calisthenics.

If they work like these. Oh,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, quite all right.

Thank you men for
offering. What was the name?

- Barbella.
- Henshaw.

Well, there you
have it, gentlemen.

You said a million, I believe.
Did you fill out the order blank?

Just what is this new
material, Burlicon?

Oh, I'm admiring this man.

This man has a programmed mind.

He takes nothing for
granted. I do admire that.

What, what is Burlicon?

Burlicon is the miracle that

combines the
delicacy of old lace

and the tensile
strength of cold steel.

You said a million.
If you'll just sign...

Of course we'll have to
run it through a test, first.

Well, I don't see
why that's necessary,

we put it through
our own laboratories.

We put it through
the United States

Burlicon testing machine.

And I assure you, it
pulled, it tugged, it stamped.

The machine broke down
but the material held up.

If you'll sign
this order blank...

Later, first let's get over

to the Quartermaster's
Testing Laboratory.

Well, just sign the order and
then we can get to work on this.

If you will just
follow me, Mr. Bilko.

He doesn't seem to understand.

If he signs now
there's a discount.

Don't stand there, go men, go!

Oh, General, this is Mr. Bilko,

designer of the
Burlicon uniform.

- Bilko, this is Major Ross.
- How do you do, Sir?

We'd like to test
these new uniforms,

Major, will you put them
through the process?

Oh yes, Sir. The test
won't take very long.

Oh, I see, you just want to see

if it holds its press
on a wire hanger.

Is that what... why don't
you sign the sales order, Sir,

then we can go
right ahead with...

Now, if you men will step
into this booth, please.

Oh, this is very interesting,
I see you want to simulate

actual closet conditions.

Well, not exactly, it's
an all weather storm box.

Storm box? Sir, if you'll
just sign this, I can get...

In a minute, Mr. Bilko.
You may proceed, Major.

- What is he doing?
- This is the heat test.

- Heat?

Temperature's now 120 degrees.

Sir, I think they're done
now, will you let them out?

Just a minute, just a
minute, the cold test.

The cold test? What is that?

They're now in a
sub-zero blizzard.

Sir, if these men catch
cold it's your responsibility,

because the
material will hold up...

Just a minute.
There's one more test.

The steaming jungle rainstorm.

Watch it, it's going to rain.

It's gonna drizzle,
what... you'll see.

Sir, why don't you sign this order
blank and I can go on with the order, Sir.

Surely you're wasting
your time and mine,

if you'll sign these order
blanks so that we can...

No, we need all these
statistics, Mr. Bilko.

Are you finished, Major?

Yes, Sir. You can
come out now, men.

There you are, Sir,
just a little dry cleaning,

a little pressing, and they're
spanking new again, Sir.

Good heavens, what a mess!

There's only one material
that reacts like this.

Cheap burlap.

Burlap, Mr. Bilko, what are
you trying to sell the Army?

Well, you may
have a point there.

Perhaps in field
conditions this won't hold up

but, Sir, in an air
conditioned, dry office,

I'm sure this will be splendid.

Now, how many
clothes will you have?

- Out, Mr. Bilko.
- Out, Mr. Bilko.

All right, out.

You couldn't keep it clean,
now, you had to get sloppy?

Out!

Hey, hurry up, you guys, the new
shipment of potatoes just came in.

All right, all right, big
mouth, just put them down.

Look, Ernie, they're
back to burlap.

Who cares what they're back to?

I must have been out of my mind

looking for a
career in civilian life.

I got all the career
I want right here.

Roof over my head,
food ain't too bad.

Steady income, I need
an extra few bucks.

- Oh, Rupert?
- Yeah, Bilko.

How many potatoes
are in that bag?

In here? 182.

You're wrong, you
owe me 5 bucks.

I don't need anything outside.

Everything I want is right here.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Erin O'Brien-Moore
as Miss Alcott.

Herb Voland as Roy
Eastman Bill Sleton as Harley.

Lisa Loughlin as Miss Laverne.
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker.
Richard Keith as Gen. Anderson.

Al Sander as the Major.

Models clothes by Oleg Cassini

Furs by Winter Brothers.