The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 36 - The Weekend Colonel - full transcript

(barking orders)

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You sent for me Sir?

Yes Barker, I thought
you might like to see this.

Television has arrived
at Camp Fremont.

- Television Sir?
- Yes.

Our engineers have set
up a closed television circuit.

Well, what are we
going to see, Sir?

Well, this is just a dry run.

We've set up a
camera in the wall

of the experimental gas chamber,



so that we can watch the
experiments at a safe distance.

Ah, that's a splendid idea Sir.

Camp Fremont is certainly
becoming a modern place.

It's certainly is. Well,
it's time for the dry run.

I'll turn on the
monitor. There it is.

Look at that picture,
clear as a bell.

Wonderful, it's like
being right on the spot.

Well I'll call you in later,

as soon we're ready
to start the test run.

I'll turn it off now.

Oh just a minute
Sir, there's someone

coming into the gas chamber.
- Oh that's strange.

The experiment isn't
supposed to start for an hour.

- Bilko!
- What's he doing there?



- I think I can guess.
- It's a crap game.

And it's live, direct
from Camp Fremont,

gambling capital of the world.

Oh we've caught them
red-handed this time Sir.

It's a shame.

Today is Bilko's
debut on television,

tonight his rating
goes down to Corporal.

Let's get down there
and nab them Sir.

Right, it may be The
Ernie Bilko Show now,

but in 10 minutes it's
going to be the line-up.

Okay, I'm shooting 50
bucks, all right come in.

Come on don't hold up
the shooting, who's in?

- Who's in?
- I'm in Bilko.

All right make room
for the new shooter

new blood is always
welcome, Ten-shun.

All right men, back to work.

It looks pretty
bad for you Bilko.

You want to take a
stab at an excuse?

An excuse?

Well, Sir I was passing
by the gas chamber Sir

and I heard a crap
game in process.

I came in to break it up.

I reach down to
confiscate the dice,

and the money and by a peculiar
coincidence Sir, you walked in.

That story might have
held up 20 years ago.

Why 20 years ago, Sir?

Because we didn't
have television then.

- Television?
- Yes Bilko.

Your crap game was on the air.

It was a fast moving show.

No commercials,
just straight gambling.

I don't understand Sir.

Bilko, do you see
that hole in the wall?

There's a television
camera behind there,

we set it up so we could
watch the experiments

and instead we caught you.

Oh the Colonel
must be joking Sir.

You're just trying to
trick me into a confession.

Am I Bilko? Your
first point was a 10.

You made it the
hard way, 2 fives.

Sir, I must protest, this is
an invasion of my privacy Sir.

What will the FCC
say about this?

They'll probably
give me an Emmy.

Bilko, I've caught you.

I've waited a
long time for this.

And now I found a way
to stop you for good.

I'm going to put
television camera,

in every building on the post.

Oh that won't be necessary Sir.

I give you my word. I
don't need your word Bilko.

I'll have your picture on
my set everywhere you go,

24 hours a day.

Yes from now on Bilko, it's
just gonna be you and me,

person to person.

Am I disturbing you Sir?

Oh I see you have the set on.

I had it turned on all week.

I am Bilko's No.1 fan.

Where is Bilko now Sir?

On channel 2,
that's the Motor Pool.

Look at him, he
knows I'm watching.

There he is, my grease
monkey Dinah Shore.

This was a magnificent
idea of yours, Sir.

There hasn't been a card or a
dice game on the post all week.

If there was, it was on radio.

Oh by the way Sir, your plane
tickets arrived for Lake Tahoe.

Oh fine, this is going to be
one weekend I'll really enjoy.

Besides my eyes need to rest

from looking at
the Bilko Telethon.

Yes, you don't
have to worry, Sir.

I'll be glued to the
set all weekend.

Good.

But you won't have to
start for a couple of hours.

I want you to get
our star to drive

Mrs. Hall and me to the airport.
- Yes Sir.

Sarge, listen, is that a plane?

That means the Colonel
has gone for the weekend.

You can relax now.

What relax? What relax?

The Colonel may be gone
but he left CBS behind him.

You realize I'm on television
every place I walk on this post.

Ah, maybe he'll get tired after
a while, maybe he'll give up.

Look, Milton Berle was on 8
years, nobody got tired of him.

Let's face it, I've
become a listening habit.

Well, if you feel that way,
you might as well turn in

your deck of cards,
because the Colonel

has got you beat this time.

I've got to get a
Summer replacement.

- What'll it be, soldiers?
- 2 hamburgers and 2 coffees.

- Hey, Charlie 2 burgers.
- What was that, baby?

- 2 burgers.
- Gotcha beautiful.

Sarge, Sarge, what's the matter?

- You're..Rocco?
- Yeah.

- Did you see?
- Did I see what?

- Did you see it?
- Did I see what?

The cook! The
cook did you see...!

No, I didn't see any cook.

Oh miss, miss can
we have some onions

on those hamburgers please.

Will you make up your mind?

Hey, Charlie, tear
drops on those burgers.

Anything you say baby doll.

It can't be the Colonel has mhh.

Shh! Don't panic, don't panic.

Be calm.

Oh miss, may I see you
a moment again please.

What do you want?

I hate to disturb
you but, your chef

his face his very familiar.

- What's his name please?
- Charlie Clusterman.

- Has he worked here long?
- 3 years on and off.

- On and off?
- When he ain't drunk he's on.

Look, soldier, if that
deadbeat owes you money

you're wasting your time.

What?

Did you ever see
anything like it?

The same voice, the same face!

What are you..

Here you boys here, eat
them before they walk away.

How about it Marge,
a little bowling tonight?

I don't go bowling.

Oh that's a shame
with them beautiful pins

your right down my alley.

Look, I'm warning you, Charlie,
get your greasy paws off me.

Oooh! I love them when
they got a little moxie.

Ruu, ruu, ruuu!!

- Sarge, it can't be.
- Why not?

They say everybody in
this world has a double?

Oh Rocco baby boy, don't
you see the possibilities here?

We clean him up
a little and then.

Sarge, what are
you thinking about?

Something I've always
wanted, my own Colonel!

But we've already got a Colonel.

Not this week-end we haven't.

- Oh chef?
- What do you want soldier boy?

Hamburger attacked you?

Charlie, we were wondering,
would you be interested

in a little business
proposition?

What's the pitch? You
want me to join the Army?

No, thanks. I did
my bit back in '17.

I won the Iron Cross.

- Iron Cross?
- That's a German medal.

Well, nobody's perfect.

If the hamburgers
don't get ya I will.

Ah will you take
your hands off me.

Listen, would you like to
make 50 bucks this weekend?

- Who do I have to murder?
- No, it's nothing like that.

Look, all we want you to do

is impersonate our
Colonel for a few hours.

It will be a lot of fun, a
lot of WACS around you.

All you do is give some
orders, change a few rules.

What, do a stretch
in a Federal Pen

impersonating an
officer is a 10 year rap.

I'm not going to risk
that for no 50 bucks.

No soap buster, when
I need money that bad

I'll print it myself.
- But Charlie.

Say, eh Charlie, can
I see you in private?

Oh hello Bruno.
Glad you dropped in.

I was just going to
send you a cheque.

Well, I ain't
interested in rubber.

I'm interested in
money, 150 bucks.

Uh, would you like a
cup of coffee, Bruno?

Yeah and you can sweeten
it with 150 lumps of sugar.

How much time you
giving me Bruno?

Well that all depends on
how much pain you can take.

I'll be right back.

Hey soldier, I've been turning
your offer over in my mind.

It might be fun to
get back into uniform.

Give me 150 bucks
and you can swear me in.

Okay, I'll give it to
you Sunday night.

Oh you better give it to me now

or else I'll be buried
with Military Honours.

Here, 150..could have
got a General for this.

Here you are Bruno, old
boy, we're squared and even.

Thanks Charlie, you know
you just saved your mouth

a set of new teeth.

Okay, Sergeant, I'm
ready to serve my country.

- Ernie, Ernie I'm nervous.
- What are you nervous about?

We got him through
the front gate, didn't we?

Yeah, he saluted
with his left hand.

Forget about that, if we can
get these WACs to salute him.

Well, there must be
some mistake here.

I thought they held the
beauty contest Atlantic City.

Good morning,
Ava, oh I mean Edna.

I keep calling her Ava,
she resembles her so.

Oh please Bilko, I haven't
even had my coffee yet.

Oh my dear if it was up to me

you'd have champagne
for breakfast.

Would you tell the
Colonel I'm here please?

He isn't here Bilko.

He went to Lake
Tahoe for the week-end.

Oh darn, I wanted him
to sign my library card.

Well, no Lolita this week-end.

The Colonel is back, Ten-hut.

Good morning Sir, we thought
you were away for the weekend Sir.

Yeah I was having a swell time

but suddenly I got an emergency
call from the Penta, Penta.

- Ah Pentagon Sir?
- Oh that's the guy.

I've gotta call him
back this morning.

Let me help you
into your office, Sir.

- Well, well.
- Good morning Col. Hall.

What have we here?

Sir, your call might be
coming in any moment Sir.

Why don't you come
into my office too?

- For dictation, Sir?
- Could be, who knows?

I must say, that
weekend at Lake Tahoe,

did you a well of good Sir.

Gee, the Colonel seems to be

in unusual good
spirits this morning.

Yeah, he had the
strangest look in his eye.

50 years we'll get,
50 years, now relax.

As long as you're in that
uniform you're supposed

to conduct yourself like
an Officer and a gentleman.

Another thing, don't spill
anything on that uniform.

We've only got to
rented till Monday.

Why couldn't I have one
of those nice blue uniforms?

Because that's the navy uniform!

It's those mistakes
you gotta watch.

Oh, look, television
set, I wonder what's on?

Me! That's why you're here.

Now look I want you to get
Cpt. Barker in here, tell the girl.

- Use the intercom.
- Yes Col. Hall.

Tell Cpt. Barker I
want to see him pronto.

- Is that all Col. Hall?
- It's up to you, honey.

That's all! Charlie,
will you focus?

I couldn't help it,
that chick's got class.

Corporal, are you sure you
got that message straight.

That the Colonel
wanted to see me?

Well yes, he came back
unexpectedly this morning.

I'll tell him you're here.

I've never seen the
Colonel act this way before.

You can go in now Sir.

- What did he do?
- What happened?

- Good morning Sir.
- It's Cpt. Barker Sir.

I'm surprised to see
to you back so soon.

Is anything wrong?

I had to rush back this morning.

I was expecting a call
from the Penta, Penta.

- Pentagon Sir?
- That sounds like it.

Bilko was kind enough to
pick me up at the airport.

Yes Sir, we had a real
nice chat, didn't we Sir?

That's right, Bilko.

And remember what
you said, you said if

I get all these television
cameras out of here,

you will not gamble
on the post ever again.

Yes Sir, I'll put
it in writing Sir.

No, your word's
good enough for me.

But Col. Hall Sir, you
know Bilko's promises.

Oh I think he's learned
his lesson, Barker.

It isn't punishment
that Bilko needs.

It's trust.

It's amazing Sir,
your whole attitude

seems to have changed overnight.

You wanted me to remind
you about the TV Sir?

Oh yeah, I want you to get
all this television equipment

and ship it back to Washington.

We don't need it anymore.

Oh Sir, this kind of trust
won't go unrewarded Sir.

Col. Hall this is
such a big step.

I wonder if I could talk
to you about it in private.

- Why sure.
- On second thought er no.

- We've made up my mind.
- Very well Sir.

Sir you might as well
start with the monitor.

Oh yeah, take this
along with you Barker.

Yes Sir.

- Are you sure Sir?
- Get it outta here.

Yes Sir.

It's such a good idea too.

- We did it, we did it!
- Am I through now?

Yeah, get out of that uniform
and back to the luncheonette

no use pressing
our luck come on.

- Oh Col. Hall.
- Yes honey.

The Paymaster called,
he said he's ready

to distribute the Officer's pay.

Oh yeah, well, I better get
down there and get mine.

Sir that business that
we were discussing.

Well, can we talk
after I get paid?

- Sir, it's very urgent.
- Can I go Sir?

Yeah, but don't go too far.

What kind of a trick
you think is that?

What do you want to do,
walk over the Colonel's pay?

I just want to get
a few extra bucks.

Oh you jerk, I've got a
plan we can get all of it.

Sarge, you can't use Charlie
to steal the Officer's pay.

We'd have to leave the country.

Yeah, there's a
banana boat leaving

for South America tomorrow night.
- Oh sit down.

- I've got a real plan.
- Yeah what is it?

Monte Carlo night
at the Officers' Club.

Tonight, Monte Carlo night?

All proceeds to charity?
All officers invited.

Monte Carlo night for officers?
What's got into the Colonel?

I think it's finally
happened, Lt. Montagne.

He's been brain washed by Bilko.

All right folks place your bets.

Get those bets in and remember
anything you might lose,

is for sweet charity's sake.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Yes Lt. Ruben.

What charity is this for?

Well, this needy group
are very sensitive,

they prefer to remain anonymous,
but let me assure you Sir,

the money will go
into the right pockets.

I'm sorry I asked.

Oh you are a lot of fun
Lieutenant, join the group.

Col. Hall, please,
Col. Hall Sir,

are you sure you've checked
the charity the money is going to?

I still don't trust Bilko.

Barker, take it from
me, you can trust Bilko

as much as you can trust me.

- Good evening Col. Hall.
- Oh beautiful.

Barker, remind me to
call a special meeting

for the Officers' wives.
- Why, Col. Hall.

Aah Barker, what are
you standing around for?

You got paid today,
get in the game.

- How are we doing, Sgt. Bilko?
- Oh splendidly Sir.

Because of you, a lot
of underprivileged people

are going to be
very happy tomorrow.

Folks, gather around
here a moment.

What do you say? 3
cheers for our Colonel.

- Hip! Hip!
- Hooray!

- Hip! Hip!
- Hooray!

It's too bad we had to
leave on Saturday afternoon.

I'm sorry, I spoiled
your weekend dear.

But my hay fever
began kicking up.

Oh that's all right John

you'll be much more
comfortable at home.

Coffee and doughnut,
all right with you?

Yeah, that's fine.

Oh miss, can I have 2 coffees
and 2 doughnuts, please.

You deadbeat, where
have you been all day?

I beg your pardon.

Don't you high and mighty
me Charlie Clusterman.

Now you get in there
and get your apron on

and start a batch
of those French fries.

Nell, what's she talking about?

Look lady, I don't know
where he picked you up.

But this guy ain't no soldier.
He's a short order cook.

Now come on,
Charlie get in there

and drain the fat
off that Chow Mein.

- John, I don't understand.
- Neither do I.

Let's get out of here
and get back to camp.

Wait a minute
where are you going?

Oh it's good to be home, John.

After that experience with
the waitress in that diner,

all I want is a glass of hot
milk and to go right to bed.

I'll fix your milk
for you, dear.

Why don't you get
in your pyjamas?

Thank you dear. Boy,
I'm going to sleep tonight.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.

Sorry if you lost it
was all for charity.

Goodnight.

Henshaw how did we do?

- 1142 bucks.
- Yeah, 1142.

Say that'll buy a lot of
cabbage, let's divvy it up

Later Charlie, let's
look at it for a while.

What's that?

Here, put the money in the bag.

Come in.

Oh Col. Hall I'm
glad you're still here.

What's with the gun?

Just a precaution Sir, I
thought I'd escort you back

to your house with the money.

Oh that's a splendid idea Sir.

I feel much better with the
money in your hands Sir.

Well, shall we go Sir?
Sergeant, wait outside.

I'll contact you Sir as
soon as the representative

of the charity gets
in touch with me.

Well, here we are Sir.

Ah, where are we?

This is your house Sir.

Oh yeah, yeah, I
couldn't see it in the dark.

Well goodnight Sir, goodnight.

Aren't you going in?

- Oh, oh yeah.
- Goodnight, Sir.

Goodnight.

John, why aren't
you in your pyjamas?

Here take this hot milk.
Do you want some cookies?

- Huh?
- Of course you do.

I'll get you some.

Nell, where's my hot milk?

I brought you your milk.
Here it is on the table.

Why didn't you say so?

John, how did you get
in your pyjamas so fast?

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know anymore John.

I think we're both overly
tired. I'm going to bed.

Come in.

What are you doing in
your pyjamas Charlie?

I'm going to bed, that's
what I'm doing in pyjamas.

What are you doing here Bilko?

I came here for a pillow
fight. That's what I'm doing.

Come on Charlie out of the
pyjamas you can't stay here tonight.

Come on, move it Charlie.

Bilko, if this is
some kind of a joke

I am too tired to appreciate it.

Now get out of here!

Hold it a minute, Charlie,
let's not get cute with me pal.

Get out the money,
let's divide it up.

- What money?
- What?

Is Captain Barker still here?

Cpt. Barker isn't here and you
better stop calling me Charlie.

Well then get out
the money, Charlie.

Bilko, if you're not out
of here in 2 seconds

I'm calling the M.Ps.

- Sarge, can I let him have it?
- I'll take care of it.

All right, Charlie, get up,
1142 bucks get it up Charlie.

Bilko, that's how many years

you're gonna spend
in the guard house?

I'll show you, hello this is
Col. Hall give me the M.Ps.

Oh put the phone down, Charlie.

Bilko, are you out of your mind.

You're not gonna
get away with this?

John, what's wrong? Sgt.
Bilko what's going on here?

- What's going on here?
- I'll deal with you Ernie.

Come back here, Bilko!
I want an explanation.

Oh where am I?

What am I doing... the Colonel?

What am I doing in
the Colonel's home?

That's what I
want to know Bilko.

Oh Henshaw, that's the last time

I'll let you try your
amateur hypnotism on me.

Oh I'm such a dupe for him Sir.

- Hypnotism?
- Yes Sir.

You see... but
the eyes, I go Sir.

It's terrible.

Did I say anything
wrong while I was under?

I mean did I say anything
out of line was I rude?

You insisted on calling me
Charlie and asking me for $1142.

- What about it Bilko?
- Well, I don't know Sir.

I was in a trance. You'll
have to ask Henshaw.

Well, I'm not in a trance.

I want the 3 of you to report
to my office tomorrow morning.

Yes Sir, oh stop, see he's
starting again with the eyes Sir.

Oh woof! Woof!

You see Sir, I'm putty
innocent. Oh stop it no, no.

I don't want to be cat
again. No I give up!

I never saw Sgt. Bilko
acting so strangely.

Well it seems to me everybody
is acting strangely tonight.

Well let's go to bed
and get some sleep.

Now what? Come in.

Barker, what are you doing here?

I, I couldn't sleep, Sir.

I was worried about the money.

I thought it would be better

to keep it overnight
in the office safe?

- What money?
- The $1142 Sir.

Barker, have you been
near Cpl. Henshaw tonight?

I suppose so Sir
for a few minutes.

Did he look into eyes?

I don't know Sir I suppose so.

All right Barker, wake
up. Snap out of it!

Snap out of what, Sir?

You may not know it, but
you've been hypnotized!

- There was no $1142.
- No, but there was Sir.

You took it home yourself,

the winnings from
the gambling tables.

What gambling tables?

At the Officers' Club it
was Monte Carlo night.

Officers' Club?
Monte Carlo night?

Was Bilko behind this?

Oh yes Sir and so were you Sir.

Don't you remember?

Remember what?
I wasn't even here.

Oh but you were Sir.

Un, unless you were the
one who was hypnotized.

Nell, will you come
out here a minute.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Nell was I in Lake Tahoe
with you this morning?

Well of course you were.

But you say I was
in camp all day?

Oh yes Sir, everyone
on the post saw you.

If it wasn't you, it must
have been your double.

Double?

Double! That's it.

Nell, remember in
that diner..that waitress

who thought I was somebody else?

Yes, she kept
calling you Charlie.

Charlie! That's it.

It sounds impossible
but it's got to be it!

I'm going to get dressed
and go down to that diner

and clear this whole thing up.

But what happened to the $1142?

I've got to find Charlie
before Bilko does.

- Where's Charlie?
- Charlie, Charlie?

Charlie who what does
he look like, Charlie?

You're looking at
what he looks like.

Now tell me where he
is or I'll call the Police.

All right, all right, Charlie,
somebody out here to see you.

Hello.

Great Scott! It's me!

Amazing, isn't it?

I want to talk to you Charlie.

I'm coming back
into the kitchen.

All right, where is
he, where is that rat?

Hey Bilko, you
better get out of here.

Sure, I'll get out of here
not without my money.

Come on out of there Charlie.

Come on out with my money
or I'm comin' in there swingin'.

Well Bilko, I've
been expecting you.

Sure. I bet.

In another 5
minutes you'll be off

to South America
with the money, huh?

Sarge, can I let him have it?

Only if there's one penny
missing out of that money.

All right give me
that bag, Charlie.

Why should I give
you the money, Bilko?

I did all the work.

He did all, this is beautiful.

Rocco, tell him whose
brains was behind this.

Ernie, Ernie thought
of everything.

It was his idea to have you
impersonate the Colonel.

Who thought of it, who thought
of Monte Carlo gambling night

in the Officers' Club? Me pal.

You had nothing to
do with this Charlie.

You were just a jerk.

Is that right, Charlie?

See he's got it, Charlie!

- Is that right Charlie?
- That's right Colonel.

But you're, he's, you're,

well he, there must be.

Oh where am I?
Henshaw you did it again.

You put me under hypnosis again.

Henshaw will you
hypnotize Sgt. Bilko again

and tell him to go
straight to the guard house.

Yes Sir. Look into my eyes.

- You're getting drowsy.
- Oh shut up.

- Good morning Sir.
- Good morning.

You'll be pleased to
know that I just turned

all the money over to
the Army Pension Fund.

Good and I've worked things
out with Charlie Clusterman.

He's promised to
grow a full beard

so there'll be no more mistakes.

- Well I'll get back to my office.
- Oh wait a minute Barker.

It's 10 o'clock, time for our
favourite television program.

Wonderful show, isn't it?

And the best part is that
as long as I'm the sponsor,

It'll never be cancelled.

Th... th... th...
that's all folks.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Nick Saunders as Cpt. Barker,

Hope Sansberry as Mrs.
Hall, Jane Dulo as Marge,

Al Lewis as Bruno,
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Barbara Barrie as Edna
and Billie Allen as Billie.

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