The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 35 - The Bilko Boycott - full transcript

(barking orders)

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What? What? What's
holding the platoon up?

Rocco, are you sure there's
no back way outta here?

This is the only exit, Sarge.

I don't mind telling you, I
resent their stalling this way.

Give them a chance, Ernie they're
probably counting their money

for the first and last time.

- Here they come.
- Good, now we can work!

Look, why waste
time with rackets?

Why don't you just mug
them when they come out?



Why don't you lay off, Henshaw?

The world isn't big enough

for both you and Dr. Schweitzer.

Stand by!

I'll run over to the Rec
Hall and get things ready.

Well, Operation Greed
is underway again.

No kidding? Wow!

Lucy Lamont, is she here?

No, I'm in!

Gentlemen, first as your
President of the Camera Club,

may I welcome all you
Camp Fremont shutterbugs.

Come on, Bilko where's the dame?

- Yeah, where is she?
- Let's see her!

Gentlemen, please, a
bit of decorum, please.



Must I remind you that
Miss Lamont cancelled out

of the Lingerie Show to come
here and pose for us today?

I assure you, she's
getting ready right now.

But first I must ask Cpl.
Henshaw, Cpl. Barbella,

to pass among you
with the cameras.

You will please have
your $2 rental fee ready.

Wait a minute, we
paid $2 at the door.

- That's right!
- What do you want?

Yes, I know you did that.

That was for your
first year club dues.

Now please take your
cameras before Miss Lamont

catches her death of cold.

- I'll take one.
- Here's my $2.

All right gentlemen,
let me remind you,

the first subject
will be calendar art.

And I can only hope
that one of you artists

will do for Miss Lamont what
some unknown photographer

did for Marilyn Monroe.

Hey Zimmerman,
set my camera for me.

My hands are shaking too much.

All right, gentlemen,
here we go,

presenting America's favorite
calendar model, Miss Lucy Lamont.

All right gentlemen, make
sure you're focusing properly,

hold your camera steady
and here we go, 1, 2, 3...

And now, let's get
set for shot number 2.

Hold it Bilko, he'll talk
about shot number 1.

I've seen sexier
looking polar bears!

Yeah!

Gentlemen, may I remind you

that the months of January and
February are winter sport months.

But as the saying goes,

when winter comes,
can spring be far behind?

What? What?

All right, if you'll
just change.

Now get the other dollar
bills for the next shot.

We should have known.
It's another racket!

Gentlemen, before
you judge too harshly.

Must I remind you that
Miss Lamont comes to us

at a great deal of expense

because of her excellent
reputation and magnificent physique.

It's a gyp! I'm
getting out of here!

Go I wish you well!
Go Cpl. Fender.

I believe this next pose
will be too dangerous

for a man of your age.

Yeah, what does that mean?

Simply this, the last
time I saw Miss Lamont

in the following pose, I
had palpitations for hours!

Here's my buck!

All right but we can't proceed
till old man Fender leaves.

All right, count me in
but this better be good.

All right, gentlemen,
are we all ready?

Here we're have it with
a great deal of pride,

Miss Lucy Lamont in the
provocative pose of springtime.

Move back! There
will be no close-ups!

Click! Click! 1, 2,
3 and there we go.

What's your hurry
with the curtain?

Please, must I remind you we
have a busy schedule to maintain?

Can't we take one more
picture of her in that sweater?

Very well, if you insist but
right here is where Miss Lamont

was supposed to
change into a bikini.

Shut up, Zimmerman!
Bilko's running this show.

Thank you, Pvt. Mullen
for that vote of confidence.

Now if you'll collect
the additional dollars,

we'll continue with our
photographic studies.

- I got the money, Sarge.
- Splendid.

All right gentlemen, and now,

honouring the months
of June and July,

here's our own Miss Lucy Lamont

as the spirit of the
French Riviera...

Wowee!

Please gentlemen, click,
click away and there it is.

All right, now I don't know
what you fellows know

about the French Riviera.

The month of July is too hot

for even the skimpiest
of bathing suits!

Here's my dollar!

Sarge, Sarge, brass is coming!

Get rid of the girl,
Henshaw, the flowers quick!

- Ten-shun!
- What's going on here, Bilko?

Sir, it's just a weekly meeting

of the Camp Fremont
Camera Club, Sir.

From outside it sounded
more like a werewolf convention.

Oh, Sir they're so excited.

You see, we just voted
to discard our brownies

and go on to 35
millimeter cameras, Sir.

Oh, very well, Bilko.

I hope I'm not
disturbing the meeting.

Oh, not at all, Sir.

I'm glad to see
you guiding the men

along more educational lines.

Thank you very much, Sir.

All right, gentlemen,
we'll get ready

for our next and last pose.

Please adjust your camera
to 4.5 at a fiftieth of a second

and here we have our last study.

You're casting your
shadow on the dandelions.

All right gentlemen,
remember all you learned about

lighting and shadow blending,
now are there any questions?

Oh, they're so eager
for knowledge, Sir.

Yes, Cpl. Fender?

Sergeant, at the next
session, can we shoot you?

That's very
interesting, live models.

- Sir, do you think perhaps...
- Hold it, Bilko.

I know what you're
thinking, the answer is no!

You can photograph all
the fruit and flowers you like,

but absolutely no female models!

Oh, I should have
known that the Colonel

would be one step ahead of me.

- Carry on.
- Thank you, Sir.

The Colonel thought
perhaps you were interested

in female subjects, when in
the lens life we know that...

Get this thing
outta here will you?

- How did we do, Rocco?
- We did pretty good.

We took in $60.

Hmm, that's a lot of money.

It's not all profit.

Why, there was no
film in the cameras.

There was no film
in the cameras.

Must I remind you Miss Lamont
is a very expensive model?

I had to pay her 4 bucks.

That comes to 7 bucks a
man. They can't afford it.

I can't figure him out, Rocco.

He's been with me 8 years,
and he still got scruples.

As a matter of fact, I do.

Look Hensh, if Commodore
Vanderbilt hadda had your attitude

he'd still be renting
rowboats in Central Park.

- What's the next move, Ernie?
- Poker.

Yeah, but that's
not until after dinner.

That's where you're wrong.

Tonight we have a
twilight double header.

Get me the cards, open the
door, get some chairs around here.

Right.

- They're not moving.
- It's not loud enough.

- Roc!
- Yeah.

Give me a new deck, quick.

I'll see if they're
moving or not.

- What's up Sarge?
- Sit down, Dino.

Sit down.

Bilko, I just came in to tell
you that I'm wise for you.

You think that
you got us trained,

so that all you have to do
is shuffle a deck of cards

and we march in like
a bunch of zombies.

Well, you're not
getting away with it.

You haven't got
me under your spell.

- Jacks or better to open.
- Deal me in.

See what I mean?
They're poker addicts.

I'm actually doing
them a favour.

I get it, Ernie, actually
you're a humanitarian.

- Hey wait for me, Bilko.
- Sorry Grover, too late.

We're all filled up.

You've gotta make room for me.

You know I'm a bigger
loser than anybody here.

You can get in as soon
as somebody goes broke.

It will only take a few minutes.

I got no time I get
nervous when I don't play.

All right make room for him.

Move over, give him a chair.

- All right, Grover, you deal.
- I feel better already.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the post theater.

- I can't take any more of this.
- What's playing?

His kinda picture,
The Al Capone Story.

Now Roc, you got
everything you need?

I think so, Ernie.

But don't you think
it's getting kinda late?

We gotta do it tonight.

I don't get up until
noon and by that time

they spent everything
they got left.

- Hi.
- Hi, Hensh.

Is the slaughter
over for the evening?

Not quite, pal but
it will be very soon.

As soon as I get this
little gimmick working.

What is it?

Something your ingenious
Sergeant invented,

Bilko's Mobile Casino.

- I don't get it.
- It's very simple.

Suckers come to us,
we don't wait for that.

We bring the action to them.

Hensh, this will do for gambling

what the Good Humour
truck has done for ice cream.

You know Bilko, you
get worse every week.

Right now I got you figured
about 2 years ahead of schedule.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means I can't stand
your racketeering anymore.

I can't stand the way
you take advantage

of those poor guys
every single payday.

I can't stand myself anymore,

and what's more I'm fed up
with you and your swindles...

Keep it down, Hensh;
you'll scare off my pigeons.

Good! It's time they woke up.

They've been
suckers long enough.

All right! Get out of here!

Who needs you?
Rocco and I will handle it.

Go on get out of
here Mr. Nice Guy.

All right, I'm...

Hensh, Hensh, what
are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Something I wanted to do for
the last 8 years, join the Army!

Yaaay!

Rupert! Rupert baby boy,
your old pal Bilko is here.

- He ain't here, Sarge.
- Where's everybody?

I sat in my room for a week not
one guy showed up for a poker game.

I know, it's been rough.

- Rough?
- It's humiliating.

I gotta out like a traveling
salesman to make a living.

Listen, Ernie, I found
out what Henshaw did.

Look Rocco, I told
you distinctively,

there are 2 names never to
be mentioned in my presence,

Benedict Arnold
and Steve Henshaw.

But Henshaw is the reason
the men aren't gambling.

Impossible, I trained
these guys for 15 years.

You don't break these
habits overnight, pal.

Henshaw formed an organization.

- What organization?
- Gamblers Anonymous.

- Gamblers Anonymous?
- That's right.

You see, everybody
swore off gambling.

Then any time anybody
feels the urge to gamble again,

they call up Henshaw and
Henshaw sends up a member

to stay with him.
- Yeah?

You just stick around watch
Ritzik fall off the wagon.

What are you doin' here, Bilko?

Hey Rupert, how's my
old pal? How're ya feeling?

Lonely but rich, now
leave me alone, Bilko.

Ah, come on talk to me.

How about a little game
of cards for old time's sake?

No, no, I made a solemn
promise to the organization,

no more gambling.

Who's gonna know?
I won't say anything.

- Will you say anything, Rocco?
- Not me.

Come on a little 5 and
10 for old times’ sake.

No, I promised no more cards
and I won't break my word.

What difference does
it... Ooh, ooh, 4 Kings!

See that, your luck
is changing, pal!

No, I better call Henshaw.

Look, Rupert, I got an
idea. We'll play 8 to 5 poker.

That means you'll
get 8 cards to my 5.

Henshaw, you better
send over a man quick.

I'm weakening fast!

Here's what we'll do,
here's what we're gonna play.

I'm gonna play you draw poker.

You get your 5 cards down
my 5 cards'll be face up!

Wait, I'll see
everything that you got.

- I can't lose.
- I'm in a generous mood.

- What do you say?
- No, no, I'm honour bound.

Look, I'll do better than that.

Tell you what we'll do, any
pair you got beats my 3 of a kind.

Where's that man that Henshaw
was supposed to send over?

Look, here's what
we'll do, deuces wild,

that means deuces wild for you,

but to me the deuce
is just another card.

Ooh, ooh, my
resistance is ebbing.

Look, for every card,
you get paid double, okay?

I don't know what...

Come on sit down, you only
live once, come on Rupert.

- All right, deal, deal!
- Okay, attaboy!

Brother Rupert, put
down those cards!

- Oh Dino, I was a sure goner!
- Hello, Dino.

Sorry Sergeant, but the
rules of the organization

forbids me to talk to
you while I'm on duty.

How long are you
duty? 24 hours a day!

Brother Rupert, were you
gambling with this man?

No, even though he
offered me 8 cards to his 5.

Brother Rupert, you must
resist temptation at all times.

And remember Rupert, 5 cards
face down my 5 cards face up.

I can't lose that way.

Please let me play
with him for 5 minutes.

I'll sort of taper off.

Brother Rupert, don't you know
that a man stepping off a cliff

cannot turn around
after a few feet.

But I can beat
him, I can beat him!

Brother Rupert, you
have the gambling fever.

Come walk with me
while you cool off.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

Think of it Brother Rupert,
a paycheck to yourself.

Yeah. Yeah.

Think of money in
the bank, Rupert.

Yeah, yeah!

Think of your poor dear wife.

Yeah, yeah!

Wait just a minute,
if I think of my wife,

I'll start gambling
and drinking too.

Brother Rupert,
go to the day room!

- A meeting is now in progress.
- Hallelujah!

Brother Dino, sit down a
minute, I wanna talk to you.

Make it brief, Sarge.

You know the rules
of the organization

do not permit me to talk to you.

I can understand that.

Look, how long have
you been a PFC, Dino?

6 years, Sarge.

Hmm, I gotta talk to the Colonel
about making you a Corporal.

- Oh, thanks, Sarge.
- I can't open, can you?

Henshaw, May Day!
May Day, Henshaw!

What do you mean I'm broke?

We spent 2 weekends
in San Francisco, right?

Everything was going
out, nothing was coming in.

No poker, no roulette.

I hate to admit this
but that Henshaw

has got me boxed in pretty good.

Well, why don't you
make a deal with him?

Deal with him? Never!

I may have nothing else
but I still got my principles.

Principles?

Yeah, they may be
rotten but they're all mine.

I've gotta break this boycott,
10,000 men on the post.

No, there's only
8,000 men on the post.

- There's 2,000 WACs.
- Look, don't bother me.

8,000, 10,000... what?

- 2,000 WACs?
- What, what?

Why didn't I think
of this before?

Tell me! Tell me!

2,000 WACs who
get paid twice monthly,

a whole new source of revenue!

Oh Sarge...

Look, don't panic on me,
just answer this little question,

do you believe in the
equality of the sexes?

Yeah.

Do you believe in
a democratic Army?

Yeah. So?

So, the WACs have as much right

to lose their money
to me as the men do.

How are you gonna get to them?

That Major Allenby watches
over them like a mother hen.

Look, I'm not gonna
hurt her little chickens.

I'm just gonna
pluck 'em a little.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Yeah.

I was looking for Major Allenby.

I am Major Allenby.

Oh come now young lady, you're
much too young to be a Major.

If this is your idea of a joke,

I'm sure that Major
Allenby won't treat it lightly.

Sergeant, I'm Major Allenby.

I'm 46 years old and most of
my best friends tell me I look 56.

Now what do you want?

It's just this Major,
oh may I, thank you.

Major, I think
you'll have to agree

that this is the Jet
Age in America.

And our country should mobilize

all the scientific
brain power that it can.

Major, it is my
theory that our WACs

represent an untapped reservoir

of technical and
scientific skills.

Well, I agree with you
but I don't know what...

Major, as Sergeant in charge
of Camp Fremont Motor Pool,

I've devised a
series of lectures

which would familiarize our
WACs to the mechanical equipment,

so vital to our
nation's defense.

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.

Our girls are already
on a very tight schedule.

Oh Major, you must make
room for these lectures.

And I'm sure you would
if you could have heard

Colonel Hall and his entire
staff laughing at the thought

that our WACs could
match male efficiency.

Women, do men's...
oh, that's funny.

- Oh, they laughed, did they?
- Oh, yes they did.

They don't know this is
the 20th century America

and women are no longer
second class citizens.

Sgt. Bilko, you have my permission
to proceed with your lecture.

I have a feeling this will be
a very rewarding experiment.

Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll see to that.

Well, now I have
a staff meeting.

Pvt. Lukens will handle
the details for you.

Thank you, Sir, very
much Major, Good show.

Well, Mildred, how are you?

Bilko, who needed you
with your crackpot lectures?

Haven't we got enough
to do around here?

You don't understand Milly,

these lectures are
gonna be fun, fun, fun!

Fun, fun, I just
can't wait to see

what the inside of a
grease-pit looks like.

Look, I want you to
pass this onto the girls,

this is what we're gonna do...

Students, your attention please.

Here we have a schematic
diagram of the standard Army jeep.

Notebooks out, please!

Please observe, the
Army jeep has 4 cylinders,

that is 4 cylinders which
generate up to 75 horsepower,

75! This will
accommodate approximate

speeds of 52 miles
an hour that is 5, 2.,

- Did you say 52?
- Yes my dear, 5, 2.

Oh, they're so anxious to learn.

- So I see, Sergeant, carry on.
- Thank you.

So, to continue, the
average jeep fuel tank

contains 12 gallons of gas.

That is 12 gallons
which will bring you up to

21 miles per gallon.

- 21!
- Bingo!

We have another winner!

Well, good morning,
Major Allenby.

Good morning, Sergeant.

I prepared a further
series of lectures.

I would appreciate your perusal.

- Very well, Sergeant.
- Thank you so very much.

Oh good morning,
Mildred and how are you?

Oh, Sergeant, I had a deuce
of a time at the beach yesterday.

The sun was so bright
it was almost tropical.

Well, one can't be
too careful, can one?

What was that all about?

Simple, she had a deuce
of a time at the beach,

the sun was so bright,
it was almost tropical.

- So?
- So?

Simple, she wants to
bet a deuce on Bright Sun

in the 4th race at
Tropical Park put it down.

Now students, we continue
with our Sight Identification Test

of the component
parts of the truck engine

of which these are photographs.

You will please
study them carefully.

Good afternoon, class.

Good afternoon Major Allenby.

Major, please we're
conducting a test here.

Oh, sorry Sergeant, carry on.

All righty.

All right students,
have you any questions?

- Marion?
- I've got 2 pairs, cylinders and spark
plugs.

Sorry, my dear. I have
here 3 carburetors.

Well, if this keeps
up, I'll be broke.

What did you say Pvt. Morgan?

Oh, she missed the question

and she's all broken
up about it, ma'am.

Well, we mustn't
get discouraged.

If at first you don't
succeed, try, try again.

Marion owes $17 and Arlene
owes $12, and Mildred owes $4.

Hold it, why only
$4 for Mildred?

Oh she caught the
Daily Double Tuesday.

Ah, I forgot. All right, go on.

And Edna owes $13.

That means the girls
owe you a total of $96.

Splendid, now when
do they get paid?

Tonight.

We'll collect first
thing in the morning.

Tomorrow's Saturday, they
usually go away for the weekend.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to
San Francisco for the weekend

it's all there is to it, we'll
have to collect tonight.

Ernie, you can't go
into the WAC barracks.

I can't go to San Francisco
with this short bankroll either.

I've gotta take a chance.

You know what
happens if you get caught,

It'll be a court martial.

Don't worry, they
won't catch us.

Us? Oh no, Ernie.

Don't mix me up in this.

Look Sarge, I'll do
anything you want,

I'll steal a jeep,
I'll hit an officer.

- I'll do anything!
- Sure, sure, relax, relax.

I'm not asking you
to do anything terrible.

All I want you to do
is get me a ladder

so I can get to the 2nd
floor of the WACs barracks.

In 20 minutes you bring the
ladder back and I get out of there.

- Sarge, I don't like this.
- Do you think I like it?

Don't you think I'd
rather be born rich?

Come on synchronize your watch.

It's 8:45, meet me with
a ladder in 15 minutes

behind the WACs barracks.

At 9:00 o'clock I go over
the top into No Man's Land.

Move it!

Has anybody seen Arlene?

Yes, she was afraid she
was coming down with a cold,

so she went over
to the dispensary.

Oh.

What's that?

Somebody at the window.

- It's Bilko!
- Bilko?

- What do you want?
- What are you doing here?

Quiet! Let me in.

How romantic, he's come
to elope with our money.

Yeah!

Keep looking for Brass.

Will you go down, are
you trying to get us...

Hold it down a minute, now
look kids, I got news for you.

I'm going on an
emergency furlough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
have the money you kids owe me.

Oh just our luck, girls.

A guy finally climbs in here
and all he wants is our loot.

Yeah.

Edna my love, I
believe you owe me $13.

I thought it was only $11.

Ah, ah, you're
forgetting my dear.

You were shy
$2 in the last test.

All right. There's a dear girl.

You my sweet owes me $17.

You're lucky Mildred
you only owe me $4.

- Brass coming!
- What, Brass?

Attention!

At ease girls, I'm afraid I
have some bad news for you.

Our weekend passes
have been cancelled.

Cancelled?

Arlene Williams has
come down with measles.

This entire barracks has
been placed under quarantine.

Oh no, wait a minute.

No one will be allowed to
enter or leave this barracks

for at least one week.

Oh. No...

Sorry girls, now which
one is Pvt. William's bunk?

This is it, right here.

Okay, now stand back
while I spray this germicide.

It's not going to
bother you girls.

It's just a little antiseptic
after all the Army believes

in taking every precaution.

But we all have
dates this weekend.

Sorry girls, and in case
you're getting any ideas,

Maj. Allenby has MPs posted
around the entire barracks.

- Oh!
- That's a fine, how do you do.

Yeah, cooped up in
the barracks for a week.

And what's worse, we'll probably
all wind up with the measles.

What was that dame
using, a flame thrower?

Bilko, you've gotta
get out of here.

I know! I know! Keep it quiet!

Edna, look out there
and see if there's a guy

out there with a ladder.

- He's out there all right.
- Good.

- No he isn't.
- 2 MPs just grabbed him.

Oh no. if I get caught
here, I'll get 20 years.

- Oh you don't know Major Allenby.
- What do you mean?

Well, she'd see to it that
you got at least 50 years.

Oh no, I gotta get... look kids,
in case she comes I'll hide,

you kids'll have
to cover for me.

- Why, Bilko?
- What do you mean why?

What did you ever do
for us besides clip us

of about 100 bucks of
our hard earned money?

- Yeah!
- Oh no, hold it!

Why bring that up now?

Because, Bilko, if you
want us to hide you,

it will cost you say $25.

Come on, knock it
off. That's blackmail.

I won't hold still for that.

Oh yes you will because
if you don't I'll scream.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh yes I would...

Hold it, hold it! Here!

- The nurse is coming.
- Oh no!

- Edna, where do I go?
- Hold it, Bilko.

- Where is my 25 bucks?
- What are you talking about?

Yeah, I could scream
too, you wanna hear me?

No, no...

Behind these curtains, let's go!

Come on!

Ten-shun! All right
now girls listen to me.

There's a strong possibility

that some of you are going
to come down with measles.

Now there's not much
that you can do about it

except get plenty
of rest and fresh air.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Now I want you all in
bed within 10 minutes.

Yes, Lieutenant. Oh, and
let's get some air in here.

Do we have to, Lieutenant?
There's an awful draft.

Well, nonsense, my goodness,
girls it's over 80° in here.

Isn't that better? Goodnight.

Goodnight.

- What happened to Bilko?
- I don't know.

Grab his arm, Edna.

Are you all right, Bilko?

I'm fine except my
arms are 6 inches longer.

There's no way out there.
I'll go out the front door.

- Who's on duty?
- Forget it Bilko, they locked it.

What? They locked it?

They got M.Ps
all over the place,

all I got staring me in
the face is a court martial.

- Any suggestions, girls?
- Yeah, call your lawyer.

That's very funny.
I'm stuck here...

You mean there's a phone here?

Oh yeah, right over there.

Why didn't you say
something... oh, dime!

Dime, I need a dime, you
got a dime, lemme have it.

- Oh sure, I've got a dime.
- Come on give it...

- And not so fast, Bilko.
- All right, how much?

- Same as the others $25.
- $25 for a dime, are you nuts?

Hold it, hold it all right.

Okay, Bilko, I'll help you but
you gotta agree to my terms.

What happened, Henshaw?

Bilko is up in the WAC barracks.

- Boy, I wish I had his nerves.
- Okay Bilko, here are the terms.

No more gambling with
the platoon whatsoever.

No more schemes,
no more promotions.

From now on
you play it straight.

Ernie, such language
in front of the girls?

Is it a deal, okay we'll
be by in a half an hour.

- What's happening?
- I'll tell you.

Come on let's pick him up.

Are you all right, Bilko?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Your rescue party
should be here soon.

- Can I take this thing off?
- I guess so.

Here they come,
right this way, Doctor.

Well, it took you jolly
time to get here, didn't you?

All right, come
on move it, Dino.

How do I look?

Real cute, sweetie,
but you need to shave.

Darling, that's a lovely
robe you have on.

You must tell me
where you bought it.

- Come on, get here!
- The nurse is coming!

Go! Cover him up!

Remember now,
you've got 101 fever.

Let me hear it!

You're a girl, make it higher!

What's going on here?

Why, this is disgraceful,
this young lady

is running a high temperature,
why wasn't I called sooner?

Well, who are you may I ask?

I'm Dr. Reed, you must
be new around here, nurse.

- I've been here 2 years.
- Well, that explains everything.

Orderlies, get this
young lady out of here.

- Where are you taking her?
- To the men's barracks!

Now where do you think
we're taking the dame?

There, there young lady,

we'll have you in the
hospital in no time.

Doctor, this is
highly irregular.

Would you mind waiting
please while I call Major Allenby?

Please, don't bother
me with regulations.

There's a young
lady in obvious pain

and you're bothering me
with... get her out of here...

There, there young lady.

You must have been
a nurse in Alcatraz!

Okay Ernie, time to get up!

Yeah, let's get up, Sarge,
or you'll miss lunch come on!

All the boys are talking
about your escape last night.

That was really
something, Sergeant.

You got away scot-free, huh?

Did you see
Paparelli with the wig?

- Sarge, your face!
- What's the matter?

- Look!

What are you talking
about my face?

I didn't... Measles!

Oh boy, 2 weeks in quarantine.

Well, that's better than
20 years in San Quentin.

Here's what I want you to do...

No!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Nancy Gile as the nurse.

Jane Kean as Marion.
Jane Dulo as Mildred.

Philippa Bevans as Maj. Allenby.

Barbara Barrie as Edna.

And Billie Allen as Billie.