The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 30 - Bilko's Small Car - full transcript
Paparelli take it
easy on that axle.
Treat it lovingly.
This is not the Colonel's jeep
you're working on, this is mine.
Don't worry guys, I've
got it all worked out.
- Listen to the old Sarge.
- All finished Sarge.
- Good boy.
- Hey Sarge, this is the first time
I ever put a secret
compartment on a jeep.
Will you shut up! You
built it, now forget it.
Okay, Sarge.
All right where is it?
What? The secret compartment?
- I forget.
- Jerk, tell me and then forget it!
Well, it's right
between where the
axle and the brake
drum used to be.
- Used to be?
- Did you cut the break?
Oh you've got to give
up something, Sarge.
Yeah, but not my life, I'll just
have to drive more carefully.
Gee, Ernie, I can't even see it.
Sure, that means the M.Ps
won't be able to see it either.
Aw, did you screw it on
good and tight Fender?
Sarge, you can put a live
bomb in there without worrying.
Yeah what I'm carrying is
more dangerous than a bomb
a full layout, gambling
equipment pal,
Chuck-a-luck cage, roulette
wheels, slot machine, eh?
Maybe I better get under
and wipe my finger prints off it.
You, what are you worried about?
If I get caught with
this stuff in the jeep
I could get 10 years from
the Automobile Club alone!
Ernie, Ernie! Turk the
bookmaker just called.
He says we're to pick up
the gambling equipment
at Spencer's Candy Store.
Spencer know me, will
he give me the equipment?
Well, you have
to use a password.
Now when you walk in all
you have to do is ask Spencer
for a jumbo, double
rich, butter pecan malt
with marshmallow syrup.
Do you like this password?
Some fat kid could
walk in for a snack
and walk away with $200
worth of gambling equipment.
Now get in the jeep and.
Ten-shun.
At ease, Bilko I've been
looking all over camp for you.
Looking for me? Sir
here is where I am.
- This is where I work, Sir.
- I know.
That's why it's the
last place I usually look.
There's something I
want you to do for me.
Plans, well, Sir, I was
going to town to get a malted
I developed this
terrible yearning Sir.
There is plenty of
time for malteds.
Now if you rush, you can
just catch that next bus to town.
Bus, but Sir, my jeep
is here. It's ready to go.
You won't need a jeep Bilko.
I want you to go to the
Grove City Motor Company
and pick up my new car.
I just got a call
that it arrived today.
- New car Sir?
- Yes.
It's one of those
small foreign cars.
Oh I see you want me to
pick it up from the dealers
and drive it back to camp.
- Oh it'll be a pleasure, Sir.
- Sarge, the malted?
But Sir, excuse
me, ah, while in town
may I stop at the Candy Store?
I promised the boys I'd bring
them back some goodies Sir.
Yes, but hurry Bilko, I've
waited a long time for this.
- Yes, so have we Sir.
- But Sarge, what about those...
- Bilko!
- Sir.
You've given me a sweet tooth.
As long as you're going
to the Candy Store,
will you bring back
a jumbo, double rich,
butter pecan malted
with marshmallow syrup?
Hey Sarge isn't it that?
Yeah, I know, that's
the special for today.
We better hurry before
they all out of them Sir.
Put the car in my garage Bilko.
Yes Sir.
Come on, let's get the
bus and get out of here.
Sarge, aren't you
gonna use the jeep
with the secret compartment?
I don't have to I've got
the Colonel's car now
they'll never think
of searching that.
Yeah, but what if they do
search the Colonel's car
and find the gambling equipment?
How are they going find..?
You know these
new little foreign cars,
you can't even find
the motor! Come on.
Get the stuff in there
quick! Come on move it.
Gee, what a natural Sarge.
Who would ever think
of looking in here?
All right get them in
there, get them in them.
Close the hood let's go
in and pay for this stuff
and get out of here, come on.
Hey, there's one of
those little foreign cars.
Hey, they're
supposed to be great.
Some give you up to
40 miles on the gallon.
No kidding.
I wonder what kind
of motor she's got.
- Well, let's take a look.
- Hey, what are you doing?
The motor is back here.
These cars are different.
They're not like ours.
See! Hey, that's great.
Well then what's in the front?
Probably the trunk, I
told you they're different.
They reverse everything,
they changed it around.
See! Holy mackerel!
Look what's in here.
Hey, if this is a foreign car, it
must have from Monte Carlo.
Someone must be smuggling
this stuff into the State.
Hey, maybe this is our chance
to crack the Johnny
Scarpio gambling ring.
Yeah.
Well, let's get in the
car and oh taxi, taxi!
Oh just look, one of those
cute little foreign cars.
Sir, it doesn't happen
to be yours, does it?
Mine? Why?
- Is it parked illegally?
- It's illegal, all right?
Oh perhaps the owner
doesn't know our customs
and forgot to put a
dime in the meter.
I'd do it for him,
if you want me?
You didn't happen
to see him, did you?
Well, I was inside
have a malted.
But I did see somebody
get out of the car,
but I didn't see him too well.
Now try and think, was he tall?
Yes, he was tall.
Hey, that rules
out Johnny Scarpio.
He's short.
Oh wait a minute maybe
this fellow was short.
See he was standing along
this car, anyone would look tall.
Johnny Scarpio has a scar.
Did this guy have a scar soldier?
Which side left or right?
- Left side.
- Left side, that's right.
Congratulations Officers,
I think you got your man.
Ted, get out on all points
an alarm on John Scarpio.
Report that we found his car
loaded with gambling equipment.
I'll stay here and nab him
in case he comes back.
- Right.
- Officers now what, what,
what's going to happen
to this cute little car?
Well, we'll just
hold it for evidence
until we catch Johnny Scarpio.
How long will that be?
It may take months,
it may take years.
But we'll catch him.
Sarge!
Sarge, did you have any
trouble getting through the gate?
No trouble. I just
walked right through.
- What happened, Sarge?
- Where's the equipment, Sarge?
- Yeah, where is it?
- Yeah, where is the game.
It's in the Police parking lot.
Police parking? You
mean you got caught?
The Colonel's car got caught.
- We got away.
- Oh smart one.
What are you going
to tell the Colonel?
I'll sleep on it.
You better take a fast nap now,
because here comes the Colonel.
- Ten-shun.
- As you are men.
Bilko, I'm on my
way to my garage.
Tell me, how does she ride?
Oh beautifully Sir,
for the first 7 feet.
But when she left the
showroom Sir, she broke down.
Broke down? It's
a brand new car.
Well, it's not the
car's fault, Sir.
It's my French.
You see Sir, I thought
recherché meant radio,
but it means reverse.
And before the
music started well,
it crashed back into
the showroom, Sir.
- You wrecked my new car?
- Oh no, Sir.
Just the bumper, the salesman
said they'll replace it Sir.
Well, why didn't
you wait for it?
Well, Sir, the salesman
said they have to
send to France for
the spare bumper Sir.
But he promised
me faithfully Sir,
it should be here by Vendredi.
Vendredi? Excuse me
Sir that means Friday.
However if the
plane has tail winds
it should be here
by Mercredi, Sir.
Mer..I should have
gone for that car myself.
No, perhaps you should
have bought an Italian car, Sir.
Then Paparelli could
have picked it up
without any trouble at all, Sir.
Well, Bilko I want
to see that car
in my garage by Friday morning.
Oui, Oui Sir, well you see
I'm practicing already Sir.
Well, Pierre, what
are we gonna do now?
Yeah, it's a cinch
we ain't gonna get
that other car back
from the Police.
Yeah. Sarge!
Shh! Ernie is thinking.
I'm not thinking I'm worrying.
Don't worry Sarge,
you'll think of something.
Remember necessity is
the mother of invention.
In that case this
must be Mother's Day.
Now look we've got
to think of something.
What am I worried about?
We've got everything
we want right here,
machinery, parts, tools.
Of course, Ernie. That's it!
We build a printing press
and counterfeit the $1900.
Look, if I get a car stay out
of my way, printing press.
We're not building
a printing press?
Of course not, we're
going to build the Colonel
a new foreign car!
We're gonna build the car here?
Why not? This is a Motor Pool.
We've got expert
mechanics. We're in trouble!
Mullen, Paparelli,
Fender, strip down the jeep.
Sarge, are you gonna
make a French foreign car
out of an American jeep?
- Why not?
Hildegard comes from Milwaukee.
What is it gonna look like?
The Colonel is going to be
thrilled with what he sees.
It's going to have the
sweep of a Jaguar,
the power of a Ferrari and
the dignity of a Mercedes.
Ernie, that's brilliant!
Thinking of it isn't brilliant.
Doing it for 17
bucks, that's brilliant!
Oh it's you Bilko.
Bonjour Colonel,
it's Vendredi, Friday.
Oh yes the car. Nell,
Nell the car is here.
Oh wait till you see it, Sir you'll
be the envy of the open road.
Listen to that, doesn't it
sound like little old gay Paris.
Here she comes.
- What's this?
- That's your car Sir.
Well, that's not what I ordered.
No it isn't Sir.
But may I say you're
a very lucky man.
You're the first man in this
country to have next year's model.
- Next year's model?
- Oh yes.
Well even De Gaulle
hasn't gotten his yet, Sir.
But what's the matter
with this year's model?
Oh, oh well you know the
bumper they were bringing over Sir.
Well the airlines
wouldn't transport it.
They bumped on the
bumpers so to speak
and I wouldn't have
any more delays.
I insisted on the
newest model Sir.
Well, I, I don't know.
What's the horse power Bilko?
- 60.
- Mmm the same as a jeep.
Of course that's a lot
of power for a little car.
You know where the
power comes from,
if you just follow me here Sir.
You notice these fins,
it gives it the sweep Sir.
Why does it say Essex here?
Err, no Mrs. Hall you're
pronouncing it wrong.
The French pronunciation is
e-SSex meaning 6 cylinders.
Why don't you take her out
for a spin on the open road, Sir?
Oh John, could we go for a ride?
All right, but I'll
have to get my jacket.
Good idea, you might as
well bundle up nice and comfy
you know these foreign
cars go lickety-split.
Well Sarge, you did it...
Jerk, who left that
Essex sign there?
We could have loused
up the whole deal.
Hey look Ernie, here comes
the Colonel's car, the real one.
Let me do the talking.
Is this, ah, Col. Hall's house?
Oh hello there Sergeant.
Have we met?
Of course, you picked this car
up the other day in my showroom.
I did?
I don't know what happened,
but the police called me
this morning to come
down and identify the car.
It seems it was stolen
by some gamblers
and then abandoned
in front of a cigar store.
- Candy store.
- That's right.
- Where did you hear it?
- Well, you see
I have a shortwave
radio set in my room.
I listen to the
Police calls at night.
Well they traced the car to me
and now I'm delivering
it to Colonel Hall.
Oh well let..I'm the
Colonel's personal chauffeur.
I'll take care of it from here.
It's awfully nice for
you to take this trouble.
- Thank you Sir.
- Thank you Sergeant.
Say, that's an
interesting car. What is it?
It's a new foreign
car, next year's model.
Oh next year's model of what?
Well, we haven't decided yet.
And I can't keep track
of these foreign cars.
But I'll tell you one thing,
whoever manufactured
this car will make a fortune.
A fortune? You really think so?
Certainly today in
America you can't miss
with a small economical car.
- Well, goodbye Sergeant.
- Good bye.
Here, take this homemade
model, get out of here.
Take it back to the
Motor Pool, quick.
- We're gonna scrap this Sarge?
- Are you nuts?
We're gonna make a
fortune with this, get in there.
Don't let the boys see it,
I've got great plans for this car.
I'll tell you when see it.
Get it out of here, quick.
- Well, we're all ready.
- Look Sir, there it is.
What, what's that?
Sir, surprise Sir,
this is your car!
Well, that's this year's car.
I want next year's model.
We found a flaw in that model.
So, you see it gets
only 2 miles to a gallon.
- 2 miles?
- Yes.
You can hardly get
from the gasoline station,
to gasoline station, Sir.
But this is it and it's good
news, because this year's model
is going to be next
year's model too.
Come on Sir, get in
there and give it a spin.
Go Mrs. Hall and have fun.
Gentlemen don't you
understand I'm offering you
the opportunity of a lifetime,
a chance to get in
on the ground floor.
Sarge, are you crazy?
Manufacturing cars like
that, who's gonna buy it?
- Yeah.
- Hold it.
Who's gonna buy? All America.
The craze today
is for small cars.
Now come on who's going to
buy the first block of shares?
- How much is a share?
- How much you got?
- $12.
- Put this man down for 12 shares.
You hold on to that
stock. I hear it's gonna split.
Come on boys. Who's next?
Oh come on, use your foresight!
I'm using my
eyesight and I can see
there ain't nobody
gonna buy that car!
- He's right.
- He's right okay.
All of you who
are not interested
in making money listen to him.
Those of you who are interested
in making money listen to me.
Come on, don't you understand,
a $10 investment in the
original Ford Company
would be worth $5 million today?
Then I'll buy 10 shares.
- Good!
- Of Ford Motors.
How are you gonna start
manufacturing these cars
Sarge, it'll cost a fortune!
- That's right Sarge.
- You don't understand.
With the orders we
get, I take that money
and use it for
manufacturing the cars.
All I need is a couple
of hundred dollars
to open the showroom
and start some publicity.
What are you gonna
call the car, Sarge?
It's got to have a classy name.
And it should sound foreign.
Yes. That's right.
Right, you're right.
And here it is gentlemen, may
I present the new Arrivederci!
- Arrivederci?
- Yeah.
That means goodbye.
Sure, and that
will be our slogan.
"An Arrivederci is a good
buy in any language," what?
I'll buy.
"The newest car
from the old country
ask for a "Demonstraccione."
Very good, Rocco
put that in the window.
Hey Ernie, we better start
getting some customers fast.
You know we only
have enough dough
to rent this store for 3 days.
3 days with my salesmanship,
that's all I need pal.
Hey, Sarge, look there's a
couple of customers looking at it.
I'll open up the door for them.
Leave! Leave that door alone.
That's the way you
sell foreign cars.
Ignore the customers,
make 'em want ya.
Yeah. I don't get it.
It's called snob appeal.
You know what I
mean, make them feel
they're lucky to
get one of your cars.
Like you're doing them a
favour, don't look at them.
Ah, good afternoon.
- Antonio, I'll be in my office.
- But I, but I beg your pardon.
May I see you for
a moment, please?
- What is it about?
- Well, we'd like to see the car.
There it is. You've seen it.
Now do you mind?
Antonio in my office.
Oh but we might be interested
in buying an Arrivederci.
Would you tell us
something about it?
Really, well would you tell me
something about yourself first?
I mean we're very careful with
who we sell the car to you see.
We're very discriminating
about our customers.
After all we wouldn't
want the Arrivederci
parked in front
of a supermarket.
- Now would we?
- Well, look I'm a lawyer.
Oh really, you
want a fancy little car
so you can chase ambulances
in, oh no, no thank you.
When the pasta
comes, I'm in the...
- Oh no, no, no.
- Do you mind?
You don't understand,
I'm a Corporation lawyer
and this is my wife.
Indeed, we'll check
on that you know..
What is it, Mr. or
Mrs. John Smith?
From some convention,
any name it's all right with me.
J'oie de vivre I always say.
Now who, who
recommended you to me?
Look, we saw your sign.
Where was this, Rome, Venice?
- In the window.
- Oh yes the localizing..
It's the most
unusual looking car.
- This is the ideal thing.
- How much is it?
Please don't discuss
money with me.
One of my attendants will
take care of you in that matter.
Oh I'm so sorry, of
course the money
doesn't really mean anything.
But I do like the car
and I think I'll take one.
Of course you will.
But I haven't decided
whether I'll take you.
Well, I can give you
the finest references.
Well that..how are
you Mrs. Smith?
He does look like a good sort
are you happy with him?
I'll take a chance at
you, my instincts tell me
you'll be all right,
I'll take the risk.
Now you fill out the application
with one of attendants
and leave a generous deposit,
take care of it gentlemen.
I'll give you a check right now.
Please I've asked you,
never to speak money to me.
Do you mind?
Antonio, when the Provolone
comes, I'll be in my office.
6, 7, 8, 9 not bad
for one day's work.
- 9 orders pal.
- Now look at this Sarge.
Look at all these cheques.
We've got enough money
now to start production.
Hey, look Ernie, why
don't we call it quits now.
We're gonna have our
hands full at the Motor Pool
making 8 more of these.
Look pal, we may just have to
take over another Motor Pool,
do you mind?
Should I close up the showroom?
Yeah Roc, hold it, hold it.
There's a distinguished
looking type out
there giving us the double-O.
He looks like the Arrivederci
type I'll give him a break.
I'll be easy on him.
- Move it, move.
- Good afternoon.
Do I have an
appointment with you?
No, I just dropped in.
I'm a sports car enthusiast
and I was interested in your car.
- Indeed.
- Could you tell me something
about its speed
and maneuverability?
Of course I could but not
as well as last year's winner
of the Grand Prix could,
Prince Paparelli, I'll fetch him.
You'll cross greatness
with Prince Paparelli,
you see all of his
fabulous family in Italy.
Bonjourno signori.
Si, si. Grazie.
Primo geara. Phhtt!
He's telling you
that in first gear.
Secondo geara. Phhtt!
This of course the second
gear you understand.
Terzo geara. Phhhhhhttt!!!
That's the third
gear I don't have to...
Now do you realize how
fast the last Phhhhttt was?
- No.
- 150 miles an hour.
That's remarkable
for such a small car!
Why haven't I heard
of the Arrivederci?
Well, that's part of
our publicity campaign.
You see we spent
over a million dollars
here keeping it all hush, hush.
We can only sell 10 of these
cars a month you understand.
May I see the motor?
By all means. Prince Paparelli.
Si. Si.
Grazie. Grazie.
There you have it.
Very interesting motor,
it looks very much
like the motor of a jeep.
Did you say cheap?
May I inform you
this one of the most
expensive motors there are.
I didn't say cheap,
I said a jeep.
Oh jeep, jeep?
Prince Paparelli jeep,
a comprendo jeep?
Jeep? Jeep?
Ooh la horna, no
jeep, jeep, beep, beep!
No, a jeep is a car used
by the American Army.
Have you ever seen one?
Thousands of them,
you see I'm a Colonel
in the United States Army.
Sorry, it's closing time.
- Finito!
- Finito!
We can't get your order
we need more time.
Some other time, thank
you very much for coming.
- Please.
- That was a close one.
We've got to screen our customers
more carefully from now on.
Let's get back to the
camp and start production.
Hey Ernie, look we've got enough
money for the spare parts now,
but what about the motors?
We just have to
get 10 more jeeps.
Sarge, if we buy 10 more jeeps
what happens to our profits?
Who said buy?
I get the Colonel to
condemn 10 jeeps,
the Army says goodbye to 'em,
what does goodbye mean to us?
Arrivederci.
Come in. My Colonel
sent for me Sir?
Yes Bilko, I've been
going over this list
of Motor Pool requisitions.
- There must be some mistake here.
- Mistake Sir?
Yes, you couldn't
possibly have ordered
hair pins and chewing gum.
- Oh did they come, Sir?
- Did they come?
You mean you want hair
pins and chewing gum?
- What for?
- For the jeeps, Sir.
Bilko, would you mind telling
me what you're talking about?
Oh I'm sure this will work Sir.
But if it doesn't I'm
determined to keep it rolling Sir,
if I have use rubber
bands and toothpicks
but I'll keep trying Sir.
Keep trying, I had no idea our
jeeps were in such a condition.
Oh Sir, I thought you knew.
I thought that's why you got
your own little cute foreign car.
You see the rest of us walk
whenever it's possible Sir.
How many jeeps
are in this condition?
10, I counted them this
morning Sir, 10 jeeps
but I wouldn't condemn them Sir.
Who said anything
about condemning?
Well certainly not I Sir.
The men are soldiers.
They're supposed
to take certain risks.
I'll go down to the Motor
Pool and see what I can do.
Oh Sgt. Bilko, thank
heavens I found you.
I think we have a
mutiny on our hands.
Corporal Barbella let's
not bother the Colonel.
Wait a minute, come in here.
I want to hear
what this is about?
Hold it a minute the Colonel
wants to hear what this is about.
Well Sir, I ordered Pvt.
Zimmerman to take the company jeep
and pick up the mail
and he blatantly refused.
Blatantly? Zimmerman!
Why did you refuse
Pvt. Zimmerman?
Sir, I dreamed of
dying on a battlefield
not on the side of a road.
Pvt. Zimmerman, you can't
get killed picking up the mail.
In that jeep you can get
killed just blowing the horn.
Lies, lies!
Don't tell me about it,
we had that wiring fixed
on defective horns and don't
start discussing brakes either
that Scotch Tape
will hold for days.
Well, why did you
have to use that jeep?
Couldn't you use some
other jeep Pvt. Zimmerman?
Which one Sir, it's
like Russian roulette.
Anyone of them could be loaded.
Get this coward out of there
and get me a volunteer
to pick up the mail.
Preferably an
unmarried man. Out! Out!
I haven't seen such fear in
a man's face since the war.
Oh I know what
you're thinking of Sir.
Condemn the jeeps
and save the men Sir,
but if I could just have
something to work with,
paperclips, anything!
Oh may I speak to
you a moment Sir?
They're bothering
the Colonel today.
What is this? What
happened to these men?
We'll like you to straighten
out a legal problem for us, Sir.
Pvt. Mullen and Cpl. Fender here
wanna sue the Army for a
quarter of a million dollars
and I claim they can't.
Sue the Army? What for?
For forcing us to
ride in those jeeps!
Now the Colonel's heard
enough about jeeps today.
- Sue the Army indeed.
- What happened?
Well, Sir, Mullen and I were
delivering the company laundry,
the next thing we knew we
were in the Fremont River.
- In the river?
- Is the bridge out?
No, Sir, the bridge was in,
the steering wheel came out.
They have got a case Sir.
Perhaps I can talk 'em
into settling out of court.
- Oh be fair fellas?
- They can't sue the Army, Bilko.
Still, I don't like to see
my men getting hurt.
Corporal, get a jeep and get
these men over to the hospital.
Yes.
If we got to go in that jeep
again, drive us to the morgue!
Out! Out! Out please!
The Colonel is going to
respond to you all day long out!
Sir, I know what you think
but please believe me Sir,
10 bad jeeps don't make a
whole rotten motor pool, Sir.
I'll go down and
see what I can do.
Hello... all right
just a minute.
It's for you Bilko.
Hello Bilko here. What?
All of them? Oh no.
What happened, Bilko?
Well what happened to
the jeep, where was it found?
On top of the other jeeps?
What happened, Bilko?
Did you find the
cause, was it the motor,
can't you check the motor? What?
It's down at the
bottom of the ravine?
What happened, Bilko?
Well, what are you
going.. get a bus
and get those
men into a hospital.
Can't pull them? Why?
All that? The bo, oh
Sir the men are lying.
I don't want to hear what happened,
Bilko, condemn those jeeps!
If you'll just sign this order
condemning 10 jeeps Sir.
- Never mind, Bilko.
- Yes I'll go.
Cpl. Martin do you
have any material.
Cpl. Martin, send me a
requisition for 10 new jeeps
and issue this
order to the post,
everyone walks
until further notice.
Come in.
- Hello Jack.
- Colonel Watkins, this is a surprise.
What are you doing in town?
Oh I just came into Grove City
with the Mrs. to
do some shopping.
Oh sit down, sit down
make yourself comfortable.
Thank you Jack.
- Say, Jack.
- Yeah.
That little French car
outside, is that yours?
- Yes, I just bought it.
- That's funny.
I almost bought a new
foreign car myself today.
- You don't say?
- What kind?
- An Arrivederci.
- I've never heard of it.
What's it like?
Well, it's an Italian car
with real continental lines.
But the motor looks
just like a jeep's.
Did you buy it?
No, it seems they're
pretty hard to get.
The salesman said they
make only 10 of them a month.
Sir, here's the requisition
for the 10 new jeeps.
Thank you, we're having a
little trouble in the Motor Pool.
We need 10 new jeeps.
It seems the other 10
just suddenly fell apart.
How many cars did you
say they sell a month?
- 10.
- 10 eh?
What did you say
the motor looked like?
Jeeps.
What's wrong Jack?
I don't know until you
answer this next question.
What did the salesmen look like?
Oh he was a fast talking fellow.
He was tall, he wore
glasses and he was bald.
Cpl. Martin, tear
up that requisition
and bring me a
court martial blank.
I think I'll go and take a
look at that Arrivederci.
But the showroom is closed.
I know but the factory is open.
Let's keep those
Arrivedercis moving.
Take it easy Sarge.
This ain't for the Army.
This is free enterprise.
We're guaranteed
our rights by the
United Auto Workers of America.
You're guaranteed
nothing. This is an Italian car.
- Work, work!
- Brass coming!
- It's the Colonel.
- Put that cover up, quick.
Lecture position.
And now you fellas
remember this,
you know how I feel
about Government property.
It's ours to use
and not to abuse.
I want. Ten-shun.
At ease. At ease men.
Bilko, don't let me disturb you.
Keep right on with
what you were doing.
Doing? What is there to do Sir?
We were just sitting around
waiting for the new
jeeps to come Sir.
Really, from outside
it sounded like
a factory going full blast.
- Oh well.
Now what's under that canvas?
What canvas, Sir?
I see only one
canvas here Bilko.
Oh Sir that's one of the
condemned jeeps out of respect.
We covered the
poor broken thing up.
We want to remember
how she was in her prime.
Really?
Will you mind if I take
one last look at the body?
Oh do you think you should Sir?
I can take it Bilko.
Mmm, that's interesting.
Do you always put
whitewalled tyres
on a car that's your
sending into the junkyard?
It's just a touch
of sentiment Sir.
We wanted to send
her out with dignity, Sir.
I can see it now.
You drive it down to the
junkyard, push it in and say,
Arrivederci.
What is that Sir?
- Arrivederci.
- Huh?
It's an Italian word
meaning goodbye.
Goodbye, Sir?
Yes Bilko, goodbye
to your stripes!
To your freedom, to your future!
I don't understand Sir.
I'll explain it to you,
so you'll know why
you're going to the guard house.
The guard house, Sir?
All my life I've dreamt of
becoming General Hall.
In 2 days you've become
General Motors, M.Ps.
Confidentially Sir, I know
there is a position open
on the board of
directors, stockholders,
all those in favour
of Colonel Hall
Becoming Chairman
of the Board say aye!
- Aye!
- Congratulations. You've won.
- Speech! Speech!
M.Ps! M.Ps, arrest this man.
He's the head of the G.I Mafia.
Corporal Barbella, I
want those jeeps restored
and give back all the
money that you've taken in.
I've got you this time Bilko.
But Sir, America
needs a small car, Sir.
We've got one Bilko,
with a little siren on it.
It's waiting outside
to take you away.
But Sir, as Chairman of The
Board you'd have your own hidden
expense account Sir?
- Out!
Your wife can be
written off as an expense
if that's necessary Sir.
- Out!
I know where there's some
hidden Cuban funds Sir,
you and I together.
- Out!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Phil Robinson as Col. Watkins,
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Richard Farmer
as The Car Dealer,
Arthur Coll as The Customer,
Don Cardwell as the 1st Cop,
and Bill Hellinger
as the 2nd Cop.
Trailers.to: Watch Full HD Movies & TV Shows
Premium Platform
easy on that axle.
Treat it lovingly.
This is not the Colonel's jeep
you're working on, this is mine.
Don't worry guys, I've
got it all worked out.
- Listen to the old Sarge.
- All finished Sarge.
- Good boy.
- Hey Sarge, this is the first time
I ever put a secret
compartment on a jeep.
Will you shut up! You
built it, now forget it.
Okay, Sarge.
All right where is it?
What? The secret compartment?
- I forget.
- Jerk, tell me and then forget it!
Well, it's right
between where the
axle and the brake
drum used to be.
- Used to be?
- Did you cut the break?
Oh you've got to give
up something, Sarge.
Yeah, but not my life, I'll just
have to drive more carefully.
Gee, Ernie, I can't even see it.
Sure, that means the M.Ps
won't be able to see it either.
Aw, did you screw it on
good and tight Fender?
Sarge, you can put a live
bomb in there without worrying.
Yeah what I'm carrying is
more dangerous than a bomb
a full layout, gambling
equipment pal,
Chuck-a-luck cage, roulette
wheels, slot machine, eh?
Maybe I better get under
and wipe my finger prints off it.
You, what are you worried about?
If I get caught with
this stuff in the jeep
I could get 10 years from
the Automobile Club alone!
Ernie, Ernie! Turk the
bookmaker just called.
He says we're to pick up
the gambling equipment
at Spencer's Candy Store.
Spencer know me, will
he give me the equipment?
Well, you have
to use a password.
Now when you walk in all
you have to do is ask Spencer
for a jumbo, double
rich, butter pecan malt
with marshmallow syrup.
Do you like this password?
Some fat kid could
walk in for a snack
and walk away with $200
worth of gambling equipment.
Now get in the jeep and.
Ten-shun.
At ease, Bilko I've been
looking all over camp for you.
Looking for me? Sir
here is where I am.
- This is where I work, Sir.
- I know.
That's why it's the
last place I usually look.
There's something I
want you to do for me.
Plans, well, Sir, I was
going to town to get a malted
I developed this
terrible yearning Sir.
There is plenty of
time for malteds.
Now if you rush, you can
just catch that next bus to town.
Bus, but Sir, my jeep
is here. It's ready to go.
You won't need a jeep Bilko.
I want you to go to the
Grove City Motor Company
and pick up my new car.
I just got a call
that it arrived today.
- New car Sir?
- Yes.
It's one of those
small foreign cars.
Oh I see you want me to
pick it up from the dealers
and drive it back to camp.
- Oh it'll be a pleasure, Sir.
- Sarge, the malted?
But Sir, excuse
me, ah, while in town
may I stop at the Candy Store?
I promised the boys I'd bring
them back some goodies Sir.
Yes, but hurry Bilko, I've
waited a long time for this.
- Yes, so have we Sir.
- But Sarge, what about those...
- Bilko!
- Sir.
You've given me a sweet tooth.
As long as you're going
to the Candy Store,
will you bring back
a jumbo, double rich,
butter pecan malted
with marshmallow syrup?
Hey Sarge isn't it that?
Yeah, I know, that's
the special for today.
We better hurry before
they all out of them Sir.
Put the car in my garage Bilko.
Yes Sir.
Come on, let's get the
bus and get out of here.
Sarge, aren't you
gonna use the jeep
with the secret compartment?
I don't have to I've got
the Colonel's car now
they'll never think
of searching that.
Yeah, but what if they do
search the Colonel's car
and find the gambling equipment?
How are they going find..?
You know these
new little foreign cars,
you can't even find
the motor! Come on.
Get the stuff in there
quick! Come on move it.
Gee, what a natural Sarge.
Who would ever think
of looking in here?
All right get them in
there, get them in them.
Close the hood let's go
in and pay for this stuff
and get out of here, come on.
Hey, there's one of
those little foreign cars.
Hey, they're
supposed to be great.
Some give you up to
40 miles on the gallon.
No kidding.
I wonder what kind
of motor she's got.
- Well, let's take a look.
- Hey, what are you doing?
The motor is back here.
These cars are different.
They're not like ours.
See! Hey, that's great.
Well then what's in the front?
Probably the trunk, I
told you they're different.
They reverse everything,
they changed it around.
See! Holy mackerel!
Look what's in here.
Hey, if this is a foreign car, it
must have from Monte Carlo.
Someone must be smuggling
this stuff into the State.
Hey, maybe this is our chance
to crack the Johnny
Scarpio gambling ring.
Yeah.
Well, let's get in the
car and oh taxi, taxi!
Oh just look, one of those
cute little foreign cars.
Sir, it doesn't happen
to be yours, does it?
Mine? Why?
- Is it parked illegally?
- It's illegal, all right?
Oh perhaps the owner
doesn't know our customs
and forgot to put a
dime in the meter.
I'd do it for him,
if you want me?
You didn't happen
to see him, did you?
Well, I was inside
have a malted.
But I did see somebody
get out of the car,
but I didn't see him too well.
Now try and think, was he tall?
Yes, he was tall.
Hey, that rules
out Johnny Scarpio.
He's short.
Oh wait a minute maybe
this fellow was short.
See he was standing along
this car, anyone would look tall.
Johnny Scarpio has a scar.
Did this guy have a scar soldier?
Which side left or right?
- Left side.
- Left side, that's right.
Congratulations Officers,
I think you got your man.
Ted, get out on all points
an alarm on John Scarpio.
Report that we found his car
loaded with gambling equipment.
I'll stay here and nab him
in case he comes back.
- Right.
- Officers now what, what,
what's going to happen
to this cute little car?
Well, we'll just
hold it for evidence
until we catch Johnny Scarpio.
How long will that be?
It may take months,
it may take years.
But we'll catch him.
Sarge!
Sarge, did you have any
trouble getting through the gate?
No trouble. I just
walked right through.
- What happened, Sarge?
- Where's the equipment, Sarge?
- Yeah, where is it?
- Yeah, where is the game.
It's in the Police parking lot.
Police parking? You
mean you got caught?
The Colonel's car got caught.
- We got away.
- Oh smart one.
What are you going
to tell the Colonel?
I'll sleep on it.
You better take a fast nap now,
because here comes the Colonel.
- Ten-shun.
- As you are men.
Bilko, I'm on my
way to my garage.
Tell me, how does she ride?
Oh beautifully Sir,
for the first 7 feet.
But when she left the
showroom Sir, she broke down.
Broke down? It's
a brand new car.
Well, it's not the
car's fault, Sir.
It's my French.
You see Sir, I thought
recherché meant radio,
but it means reverse.
And before the
music started well,
it crashed back into
the showroom, Sir.
- You wrecked my new car?
- Oh no, Sir.
Just the bumper, the salesman
said they'll replace it Sir.
Well, why didn't
you wait for it?
Well, Sir, the salesman
said they have to
send to France for
the spare bumper Sir.
But he promised
me faithfully Sir,
it should be here by Vendredi.
Vendredi? Excuse me
Sir that means Friday.
However if the
plane has tail winds
it should be here
by Mercredi, Sir.
Mer..I should have
gone for that car myself.
No, perhaps you should
have bought an Italian car, Sir.
Then Paparelli could
have picked it up
without any trouble at all, Sir.
Well, Bilko I want
to see that car
in my garage by Friday morning.
Oui, Oui Sir, well you see
I'm practicing already Sir.
Well, Pierre, what
are we gonna do now?
Yeah, it's a cinch
we ain't gonna get
that other car back
from the Police.
Yeah. Sarge!
Shh! Ernie is thinking.
I'm not thinking I'm worrying.
Don't worry Sarge,
you'll think of something.
Remember necessity is
the mother of invention.
In that case this
must be Mother's Day.
Now look we've got
to think of something.
What am I worried about?
We've got everything
we want right here,
machinery, parts, tools.
Of course, Ernie. That's it!
We build a printing press
and counterfeit the $1900.
Look, if I get a car stay out
of my way, printing press.
We're not building
a printing press?
Of course not, we're
going to build the Colonel
a new foreign car!
We're gonna build the car here?
Why not? This is a Motor Pool.
We've got expert
mechanics. We're in trouble!
Mullen, Paparelli,
Fender, strip down the jeep.
Sarge, are you gonna
make a French foreign car
out of an American jeep?
- Why not?
Hildegard comes from Milwaukee.
What is it gonna look like?
The Colonel is going to be
thrilled with what he sees.
It's going to have the
sweep of a Jaguar,
the power of a Ferrari and
the dignity of a Mercedes.
Ernie, that's brilliant!
Thinking of it isn't brilliant.
Doing it for 17
bucks, that's brilliant!
Oh it's you Bilko.
Bonjour Colonel,
it's Vendredi, Friday.
Oh yes the car. Nell,
Nell the car is here.
Oh wait till you see it, Sir you'll
be the envy of the open road.
Listen to that, doesn't it
sound like little old gay Paris.
Here she comes.
- What's this?
- That's your car Sir.
Well, that's not what I ordered.
No it isn't Sir.
But may I say you're
a very lucky man.
You're the first man in this
country to have next year's model.
- Next year's model?
- Oh yes.
Well even De Gaulle
hasn't gotten his yet, Sir.
But what's the matter
with this year's model?
Oh, oh well you know the
bumper they were bringing over Sir.
Well the airlines
wouldn't transport it.
They bumped on the
bumpers so to speak
and I wouldn't have
any more delays.
I insisted on the
newest model Sir.
Well, I, I don't know.
What's the horse power Bilko?
- 60.
- Mmm the same as a jeep.
Of course that's a lot
of power for a little car.
You know where the
power comes from,
if you just follow me here Sir.
You notice these fins,
it gives it the sweep Sir.
Why does it say Essex here?
Err, no Mrs. Hall you're
pronouncing it wrong.
The French pronunciation is
e-SSex meaning 6 cylinders.
Why don't you take her out
for a spin on the open road, Sir?
Oh John, could we go for a ride?
All right, but I'll
have to get my jacket.
Good idea, you might as
well bundle up nice and comfy
you know these foreign
cars go lickety-split.
Well Sarge, you did it...
Jerk, who left that
Essex sign there?
We could have loused
up the whole deal.
Hey look Ernie, here comes
the Colonel's car, the real one.
Let me do the talking.
Is this, ah, Col. Hall's house?
Oh hello there Sergeant.
Have we met?
Of course, you picked this car
up the other day in my showroom.
I did?
I don't know what happened,
but the police called me
this morning to come
down and identify the car.
It seems it was stolen
by some gamblers
and then abandoned
in front of a cigar store.
- Candy store.
- That's right.
- Where did you hear it?
- Well, you see
I have a shortwave
radio set in my room.
I listen to the
Police calls at night.
Well they traced the car to me
and now I'm delivering
it to Colonel Hall.
Oh well let..I'm the
Colonel's personal chauffeur.
I'll take care of it from here.
It's awfully nice for
you to take this trouble.
- Thank you Sir.
- Thank you Sergeant.
Say, that's an
interesting car. What is it?
It's a new foreign
car, next year's model.
Oh next year's model of what?
Well, we haven't decided yet.
And I can't keep track
of these foreign cars.
But I'll tell you one thing,
whoever manufactured
this car will make a fortune.
A fortune? You really think so?
Certainly today in
America you can't miss
with a small economical car.
- Well, goodbye Sergeant.
- Good bye.
Here, take this homemade
model, get out of here.
Take it back to the
Motor Pool, quick.
- We're gonna scrap this Sarge?
- Are you nuts?
We're gonna make a
fortune with this, get in there.
Don't let the boys see it,
I've got great plans for this car.
I'll tell you when see it.
Get it out of here, quick.
- Well, we're all ready.
- Look Sir, there it is.
What, what's that?
Sir, surprise Sir,
this is your car!
Well, that's this year's car.
I want next year's model.
We found a flaw in that model.
So, you see it gets
only 2 miles to a gallon.
- 2 miles?
- Yes.
You can hardly get
from the gasoline station,
to gasoline station, Sir.
But this is it and it's good
news, because this year's model
is going to be next
year's model too.
Come on Sir, get in
there and give it a spin.
Go Mrs. Hall and have fun.
Gentlemen don't you
understand I'm offering you
the opportunity of a lifetime,
a chance to get in
on the ground floor.
Sarge, are you crazy?
Manufacturing cars like
that, who's gonna buy it?
- Yeah.
- Hold it.
Who's gonna buy? All America.
The craze today
is for small cars.
Now come on who's going to
buy the first block of shares?
- How much is a share?
- How much you got?
- $12.
- Put this man down for 12 shares.
You hold on to that
stock. I hear it's gonna split.
Come on boys. Who's next?
Oh come on, use your foresight!
I'm using my
eyesight and I can see
there ain't nobody
gonna buy that car!
- He's right.
- He's right okay.
All of you who
are not interested
in making money listen to him.
Those of you who are interested
in making money listen to me.
Come on, don't you understand,
a $10 investment in the
original Ford Company
would be worth $5 million today?
Then I'll buy 10 shares.
- Good!
- Of Ford Motors.
How are you gonna start
manufacturing these cars
Sarge, it'll cost a fortune!
- That's right Sarge.
- You don't understand.
With the orders we
get, I take that money
and use it for
manufacturing the cars.
All I need is a couple
of hundred dollars
to open the showroom
and start some publicity.
What are you gonna
call the car, Sarge?
It's got to have a classy name.
And it should sound foreign.
Yes. That's right.
Right, you're right.
And here it is gentlemen, may
I present the new Arrivederci!
- Arrivederci?
- Yeah.
That means goodbye.
Sure, and that
will be our slogan.
"An Arrivederci is a good
buy in any language," what?
I'll buy.
"The newest car
from the old country
ask for a "Demonstraccione."
Very good, Rocco
put that in the window.
Hey Ernie, we better start
getting some customers fast.
You know we only
have enough dough
to rent this store for 3 days.
3 days with my salesmanship,
that's all I need pal.
Hey, Sarge, look there's a
couple of customers looking at it.
I'll open up the door for them.
Leave! Leave that door alone.
That's the way you
sell foreign cars.
Ignore the customers,
make 'em want ya.
Yeah. I don't get it.
It's called snob appeal.
You know what I
mean, make them feel
they're lucky to
get one of your cars.
Like you're doing them a
favour, don't look at them.
Ah, good afternoon.
- Antonio, I'll be in my office.
- But I, but I beg your pardon.
May I see you for
a moment, please?
- What is it about?
- Well, we'd like to see the car.
There it is. You've seen it.
Now do you mind?
Antonio in my office.
Oh but we might be interested
in buying an Arrivederci.
Would you tell us
something about it?
Really, well would you tell me
something about yourself first?
I mean we're very careful with
who we sell the car to you see.
We're very discriminating
about our customers.
After all we wouldn't
want the Arrivederci
parked in front
of a supermarket.
- Now would we?
- Well, look I'm a lawyer.
Oh really, you
want a fancy little car
so you can chase ambulances
in, oh no, no thank you.
When the pasta
comes, I'm in the...
- Oh no, no, no.
- Do you mind?
You don't understand,
I'm a Corporation lawyer
and this is my wife.
Indeed, we'll check
on that you know..
What is it, Mr. or
Mrs. John Smith?
From some convention,
any name it's all right with me.
J'oie de vivre I always say.
Now who, who
recommended you to me?
Look, we saw your sign.
Where was this, Rome, Venice?
- In the window.
- Oh yes the localizing..
It's the most
unusual looking car.
- This is the ideal thing.
- How much is it?
Please don't discuss
money with me.
One of my attendants will
take care of you in that matter.
Oh I'm so sorry, of
course the money
doesn't really mean anything.
But I do like the car
and I think I'll take one.
Of course you will.
But I haven't decided
whether I'll take you.
Well, I can give you
the finest references.
Well that..how are
you Mrs. Smith?
He does look like a good sort
are you happy with him?
I'll take a chance at
you, my instincts tell me
you'll be all right,
I'll take the risk.
Now you fill out the application
with one of attendants
and leave a generous deposit,
take care of it gentlemen.
I'll give you a check right now.
Please I've asked you,
never to speak money to me.
Do you mind?
Antonio, when the Provolone
comes, I'll be in my office.
6, 7, 8, 9 not bad
for one day's work.
- 9 orders pal.
- Now look at this Sarge.
Look at all these cheques.
We've got enough money
now to start production.
Hey, look Ernie, why
don't we call it quits now.
We're gonna have our
hands full at the Motor Pool
making 8 more of these.
Look pal, we may just have to
take over another Motor Pool,
do you mind?
Should I close up the showroom?
Yeah Roc, hold it, hold it.
There's a distinguished
looking type out
there giving us the double-O.
He looks like the Arrivederci
type I'll give him a break.
I'll be easy on him.
- Move it, move.
- Good afternoon.
Do I have an
appointment with you?
No, I just dropped in.
I'm a sports car enthusiast
and I was interested in your car.
- Indeed.
- Could you tell me something
about its speed
and maneuverability?
Of course I could but not
as well as last year's winner
of the Grand Prix could,
Prince Paparelli, I'll fetch him.
You'll cross greatness
with Prince Paparelli,
you see all of his
fabulous family in Italy.
Bonjourno signori.
Si, si. Grazie.
Primo geara. Phhtt!
He's telling you
that in first gear.
Secondo geara. Phhtt!
This of course the second
gear you understand.
Terzo geara. Phhhhhhttt!!!
That's the third
gear I don't have to...
Now do you realize how
fast the last Phhhhttt was?
- No.
- 150 miles an hour.
That's remarkable
for such a small car!
Why haven't I heard
of the Arrivederci?
Well, that's part of
our publicity campaign.
You see we spent
over a million dollars
here keeping it all hush, hush.
We can only sell 10 of these
cars a month you understand.
May I see the motor?
By all means. Prince Paparelli.
Si. Si.
Grazie. Grazie.
There you have it.
Very interesting motor,
it looks very much
like the motor of a jeep.
Did you say cheap?
May I inform you
this one of the most
expensive motors there are.
I didn't say cheap,
I said a jeep.
Oh jeep, jeep?
Prince Paparelli jeep,
a comprendo jeep?
Jeep? Jeep?
Ooh la horna, no
jeep, jeep, beep, beep!
No, a jeep is a car used
by the American Army.
Have you ever seen one?
Thousands of them,
you see I'm a Colonel
in the United States Army.
Sorry, it's closing time.
- Finito!
- Finito!
We can't get your order
we need more time.
Some other time, thank
you very much for coming.
- Please.
- That was a close one.
We've got to screen our customers
more carefully from now on.
Let's get back to the
camp and start production.
Hey Ernie, look we've got enough
money for the spare parts now,
but what about the motors?
We just have to
get 10 more jeeps.
Sarge, if we buy 10 more jeeps
what happens to our profits?
Who said buy?
I get the Colonel to
condemn 10 jeeps,
the Army says goodbye to 'em,
what does goodbye mean to us?
Arrivederci.
Come in. My Colonel
sent for me Sir?
Yes Bilko, I've been
going over this list
of Motor Pool requisitions.
- There must be some mistake here.
- Mistake Sir?
Yes, you couldn't
possibly have ordered
hair pins and chewing gum.
- Oh did they come, Sir?
- Did they come?
You mean you want hair
pins and chewing gum?
- What for?
- For the jeeps, Sir.
Bilko, would you mind telling
me what you're talking about?
Oh I'm sure this will work Sir.
But if it doesn't I'm
determined to keep it rolling Sir,
if I have use rubber
bands and toothpicks
but I'll keep trying Sir.
Keep trying, I had no idea our
jeeps were in such a condition.
Oh Sir, I thought you knew.
I thought that's why you got
your own little cute foreign car.
You see the rest of us walk
whenever it's possible Sir.
How many jeeps
are in this condition?
10, I counted them this
morning Sir, 10 jeeps
but I wouldn't condemn them Sir.
Who said anything
about condemning?
Well certainly not I Sir.
The men are soldiers.
They're supposed
to take certain risks.
I'll go down to the Motor
Pool and see what I can do.
Oh Sgt. Bilko, thank
heavens I found you.
I think we have a
mutiny on our hands.
Corporal Barbella let's
not bother the Colonel.
Wait a minute, come in here.
I want to hear
what this is about?
Hold it a minute the Colonel
wants to hear what this is about.
Well Sir, I ordered Pvt.
Zimmerman to take the company jeep
and pick up the mail
and he blatantly refused.
Blatantly? Zimmerman!
Why did you refuse
Pvt. Zimmerman?
Sir, I dreamed of
dying on a battlefield
not on the side of a road.
Pvt. Zimmerman, you can't
get killed picking up the mail.
In that jeep you can get
killed just blowing the horn.
Lies, lies!
Don't tell me about it,
we had that wiring fixed
on defective horns and don't
start discussing brakes either
that Scotch Tape
will hold for days.
Well, why did you
have to use that jeep?
Couldn't you use some
other jeep Pvt. Zimmerman?
Which one Sir, it's
like Russian roulette.
Anyone of them could be loaded.
Get this coward out of there
and get me a volunteer
to pick up the mail.
Preferably an
unmarried man. Out! Out!
I haven't seen such fear in
a man's face since the war.
Oh I know what
you're thinking of Sir.
Condemn the jeeps
and save the men Sir,
but if I could just have
something to work with,
paperclips, anything!
Oh may I speak to
you a moment Sir?
They're bothering
the Colonel today.
What is this? What
happened to these men?
We'll like you to straighten
out a legal problem for us, Sir.
Pvt. Mullen and Cpl. Fender here
wanna sue the Army for a
quarter of a million dollars
and I claim they can't.
Sue the Army? What for?
For forcing us to
ride in those jeeps!
Now the Colonel's heard
enough about jeeps today.
- Sue the Army indeed.
- What happened?
Well, Sir, Mullen and I were
delivering the company laundry,
the next thing we knew we
were in the Fremont River.
- In the river?
- Is the bridge out?
No, Sir, the bridge was in,
the steering wheel came out.
They have got a case Sir.
Perhaps I can talk 'em
into settling out of court.
- Oh be fair fellas?
- They can't sue the Army, Bilko.
Still, I don't like to see
my men getting hurt.
Corporal, get a jeep and get
these men over to the hospital.
Yes.
If we got to go in that jeep
again, drive us to the morgue!
Out! Out! Out please!
The Colonel is going to
respond to you all day long out!
Sir, I know what you think
but please believe me Sir,
10 bad jeeps don't make a
whole rotten motor pool, Sir.
I'll go down and
see what I can do.
Hello... all right
just a minute.
It's for you Bilko.
Hello Bilko here. What?
All of them? Oh no.
What happened, Bilko?
Well what happened to
the jeep, where was it found?
On top of the other jeeps?
What happened, Bilko?
Did you find the
cause, was it the motor,
can't you check the motor? What?
It's down at the
bottom of the ravine?
What happened, Bilko?
Well, what are you
going.. get a bus
and get those
men into a hospital.
Can't pull them? Why?
All that? The bo, oh
Sir the men are lying.
I don't want to hear what happened,
Bilko, condemn those jeeps!
If you'll just sign this order
condemning 10 jeeps Sir.
- Never mind, Bilko.
- Yes I'll go.
Cpl. Martin do you
have any material.
Cpl. Martin, send me a
requisition for 10 new jeeps
and issue this
order to the post,
everyone walks
until further notice.
Come in.
- Hello Jack.
- Colonel Watkins, this is a surprise.
What are you doing in town?
Oh I just came into Grove City
with the Mrs. to
do some shopping.
Oh sit down, sit down
make yourself comfortable.
Thank you Jack.
- Say, Jack.
- Yeah.
That little French car
outside, is that yours?
- Yes, I just bought it.
- That's funny.
I almost bought a new
foreign car myself today.
- You don't say?
- What kind?
- An Arrivederci.
- I've never heard of it.
What's it like?
Well, it's an Italian car
with real continental lines.
But the motor looks
just like a jeep's.
Did you buy it?
No, it seems they're
pretty hard to get.
The salesman said they
make only 10 of them a month.
Sir, here's the requisition
for the 10 new jeeps.
Thank you, we're having a
little trouble in the Motor Pool.
We need 10 new jeeps.
It seems the other 10
just suddenly fell apart.
How many cars did you
say they sell a month?
- 10.
- 10 eh?
What did you say
the motor looked like?
Jeeps.
What's wrong Jack?
I don't know until you
answer this next question.
What did the salesmen look like?
Oh he was a fast talking fellow.
He was tall, he wore
glasses and he was bald.
Cpl. Martin, tear
up that requisition
and bring me a
court martial blank.
I think I'll go and take a
look at that Arrivederci.
But the showroom is closed.
I know but the factory is open.
Let's keep those
Arrivedercis moving.
Take it easy Sarge.
This ain't for the Army.
This is free enterprise.
We're guaranteed
our rights by the
United Auto Workers of America.
You're guaranteed
nothing. This is an Italian car.
- Work, work!
- Brass coming!
- It's the Colonel.
- Put that cover up, quick.
Lecture position.
And now you fellas
remember this,
you know how I feel
about Government property.
It's ours to use
and not to abuse.
I want. Ten-shun.
At ease. At ease men.
Bilko, don't let me disturb you.
Keep right on with
what you were doing.
Doing? What is there to do Sir?
We were just sitting around
waiting for the new
jeeps to come Sir.
Really, from outside
it sounded like
a factory going full blast.
- Oh well.
Now what's under that canvas?
What canvas, Sir?
I see only one
canvas here Bilko.
Oh Sir that's one of the
condemned jeeps out of respect.
We covered the
poor broken thing up.
We want to remember
how she was in her prime.
Really?
Will you mind if I take
one last look at the body?
Oh do you think you should Sir?
I can take it Bilko.
Mmm, that's interesting.
Do you always put
whitewalled tyres
on a car that's your
sending into the junkyard?
It's just a touch
of sentiment Sir.
We wanted to send
her out with dignity, Sir.
I can see it now.
You drive it down to the
junkyard, push it in and say,
Arrivederci.
What is that Sir?
- Arrivederci.
- Huh?
It's an Italian word
meaning goodbye.
Goodbye, Sir?
Yes Bilko, goodbye
to your stripes!
To your freedom, to your future!
I don't understand Sir.
I'll explain it to you,
so you'll know why
you're going to the guard house.
The guard house, Sir?
All my life I've dreamt of
becoming General Hall.
In 2 days you've become
General Motors, M.Ps.
Confidentially Sir, I know
there is a position open
on the board of
directors, stockholders,
all those in favour
of Colonel Hall
Becoming Chairman
of the Board say aye!
- Aye!
- Congratulations. You've won.
- Speech! Speech!
M.Ps! M.Ps, arrest this man.
He's the head of the G.I Mafia.
Corporal Barbella, I
want those jeeps restored
and give back all the
money that you've taken in.
I've got you this time Bilko.
But Sir, America
needs a small car, Sir.
We've got one Bilko,
with a little siren on it.
It's waiting outside
to take you away.
But Sir, as Chairman of The
Board you'd have your own hidden
expense account Sir?
- Out!
Your wife can be
written off as an expense
if that's necessary Sir.
- Out!
I know where there's some
hidden Cuban funds Sir,
you and I together.
- Out!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Phil Robinson as Col. Watkins,
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Richard Farmer
as The Car Dealer,
Arthur Coll as The Customer,
Don Cardwell as the 1st Cop,
and Bill Hellinger
as the 2nd Cop.
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