The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 24 - Bilko's Ape Man - full transcript

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All right Roll call. Let's
all line up, look alive!

Is it them or is it me?

What do you mean?

Somehow they look worse
to me on Monday morning.

Thanks a lot Sarge.

You ain't exactly no
oil painting yourself.

Quiet, Mullen, who appointed
you the Fidel Castro of the slobs?

- Zimmerman?
- Yeah.

- Gomez?
- Yo.

- Doberman?
- Doberman?



Didn't you hear your name,
what's the matter with you?

Sarge I got a
stomachache. It hurts in here.

In here how far
in about 3ft, 4ft?

If you stop gorging yourself
it wouldn't hurt in there.

- Fender?
- Yo!

- Forbes?
- Yo!

- Who's Forbes?
- New man came in Saturday.

New man? Forbes.

Forbes, heeh,
this is a large one.

Welcome to the outfit
Forbes I think you'll like it here.

If you play ball with us
we'll play ball with you.

We work hard but we take
time for our little pleasures,

you'll find there's always time
for a friendly game of poker.

21 roulette,
off-track betting we...



Oh this is gonna be a problem.

- What's the matter?
- Don't you see it, it's obvious.

The chest wide
shoulders, clean uniform.

He stands out in this
platoon like a healthy thumb.

- What's the problem?
- Problem?

I can't have him
lousing up my outfit.

Suppose there's
a full inspection.

They come in and they see
Fender, Doberman Fleischman

and in the middle of
them a human being.

- How is it gonna look.
- Makes the rest look real bad.

I gotta protect 'em.

They're nothing much but
I gotta take that jacket off,

come on let's see what
we can do with you.

We've got a casual you up a
little, you know what I mean?

You don't wanna be... oh my
trouble he's got muscles yet too.

Look..sagging, don't
go bucking for a..let..

Doberman..give me that effect.

Push it out a
little, push it out.

All right, that's it
back in line Doberman.

Here louse him a
little..with his hat.

Why does it have to be so neat?

- What do you wanna be?
- That's much better.

All right back in line.

Hey Sarge you gonna
finish the Roll call

it's almost time for chow.

Chow, I thought you
had a stomachache?

I think it was hunger pains.

Dismissed.

You really worried
about Forbes, Ernie?

Not really 2 weeks
in the Motor Pool

he'll look like a tall Doberman.

- Sgt. Bilko?
- Yeah.

Colonel Hall wants to see
you in his office right away.

Colonel wants to see
me sounds like trouble.

Hey was there any gambling in
the barracks while I was away?

How could there be
you beat them out of

every cent before you left?

But Sarge maybe he
found out about your

- Jefferson Davis Day raffle.
- What was wrong with it?

It was legitimate I
gave a $100 door prize.

Yeah but you paid off
in Confederate money.

That was weeks ago
what does he want now?

Look Ernie it's just
an outside chance

but maybe it has something
to do with the Army.

The Army, of course
I keep forgetting.

Bilko I'll get
right to the point.

There's a new man in
your outfit named Forbes.

- Have you seen him yet?
- Oh yes Sir.

Good basic soldier material Sir.

I'll whip him into shape.

Oh Bilko you've got it wrong.
He's gonna whip you into shape.

You and your platoon
are rambling wrecks.

Oh Sir I'll admit they're
not picturesque but if you...

But nothing Bilko.
They're in terrible condition.

I want them to go into training.

Regular hours early to bed,
early to rise, exercise, the works.

Oh Sir they get
plenty of exercise Sir.

Bilko I don't call bending
over to pick up dice exercise.

Believe me Sir, my men...

Quiet Bilko, Forbes was a

physical training
instructor in civilian life

and that's why I assigned
him to your platoon.

But Sir what was I...

See that he gets
your full co-operation

there still may be
time to save Doberman.

Save Doberman?

Yeah you know as well as I do,

he's only 500 calories
away from exploding.

Oh really Sir, what was I...

Maybe a month of clean
life will put you in condition

when we go on bivouac.

Bivouac Sir?

I didn't expect you to
understand it's a military term.

Oh my Colonel is joshing me.

No my Sergeant, I
was never more serious.

The new regime starts
tomorrow morning at 6 am.

6 am Sir? Well even in the
New Guinea Campaign I was...

You heard me Bilko 6 am.

But Sir my eye doctors warned
me about the morning sun.

6 am Bilko that's an
order. Yes Sir, yes Sir.

All right men it's time for
our setting up exercises.

Let's go now, come on here.

Come on let's fall out,
let's go, let's go 6 am.

It's the 6am exercise,
let's go, come on.

Sgt. Bilko it's 6 am.

I'm sorry Sarge lets go.

Come on men now let's
fall in here, let's get ready.

Where is he? Where
is he with the whistle?

Sarge, watch it.

What do you think
you're doing Forbes?

You better fall in Sarge,
its Colonel's orders.

Let's have some Calisthenics.

- Come on now.
- Calisthenics is not for me.

Who wants it?

All right men let's
start off this morning

with some deep
breathing exercises.

Let's get some of that
fresh morning air in there.

Come on way up on your toes,

and deep breathe and again...

- What are you doing?
- Oh that's good.

All right men now let's
have deep knee bends.

All right arms up stretch

and a 1, and 2 and 3.

There now there
doesn't that feel better?

- Oh cut it out.
- That's better now.

All right men let's have
a little running in place,

elbows up double time, hard!

Hey you know Bilko is the
only guy, that don't feel good.

Yeah you know...

Well Sarge what'd
the Doctor say?

Bad news, I'm gonna live.

Hey Sarge don't
you think that Forbes

got a better physique
than any of these guys?

What do you bother
me? What do you want?

Her Sarge, Dino and I
were having an argument.

Yeah, a movie studio is
looking for a new Tarzan.

They're offering a
$100,000 contract.

And I said that
Forbes got these...

Will you please stop bothering
me about Forbes and his muscles?

Okay Forbes.

Sarge, Sarge, what have
you got against Forbes.

Nothing he's gonna be
out of here in a few days.

This is a solemn promise I
made to my aching muscles.

I don't need this... a $100,000.

Who's looking for a
new Tarzan, who, who?

Sol Lesser Productions.

Sol..?

Forbes'd be perfect for this.

Where is he, where is he,
where's the body beautiful?

He's working out
in the gym right now.

Get him here on the
double move it. Hee-yaa-up!

Look Ernie, do you
really think that Forbes..?

Shhh... icksnay...

I'll talk to you in my room.

I don't want anybody
stealing my idea.

What a break.

Those movies companies make
2 or 3 Tarzan pictures a year.

Forbes will be famous
all over the world.

Yeah, but Ernie how do
you know that he can act?

What act? You don't have to act,

all you have to know is
stab animals and say 2 lines.

Me Tarzan you Jane.

- What's in it for you?
- Me rich.

Hey Sarge how do
we go about all this?

Take a letter, "Sol Lesser
Productions Incorporated.

Dear Sol... hold it.

- Come in.
- Did you wanna see me Sarge?

There he is.

Is he beautiful boys, I
ask you is he beautiful?

- Sure is.
- Yeah, he sure is.

Boy I could go for you
myself if I was a girl or a gorilla.

Come here handsome.

I'm gonna let you
have it right on the line.

How would you like to
be the new movie Tarzan?

Me Tarzan?

See that he knows
the part already.

Look, a big company's making

a national wide search
for a new Tarzan.

I happen to think that you
have talent enough to do it.

Now would you like to make
a screen test this weekend?

Does it have to be this weekend?

Why you got a date? Break
it, this is more important.

Well it's not a date Sarge.

I entered the
Mr. Universe contest

in Santa Monica
beach this Saturday.

Mr. Universe.

Yeah that's why I was over
the gym working out on weights.

That's perfect
that's even better.

As Forbes he's a nobody,

but as Mr. Universe
we've got a selling point.

Huh.

Now wait a minute Sarge look
I've seen some of the competition,

I don't even think
I'm gonna win.

Really? Let me worry about that.

Get back to the gym and do
your sit up exercise, be careful.

Wear a robe I don't
want you catching a chill.

Move it. Stay in shape now.

Look Ernie are you
gonna fix the contest?

Hensh would I do
anything underhanded?

Yes.

Then stop asking
foolish questions.

Sarge whadda we do first?

Next thing, we gotta
get him one of those

tight fitting loin cloth,

leopard skin things
that they wear.

Fender on the double, the
Sarge wants to see you Fender.

Sarge you're gonna put
Forbes into a leopard skin?

Don't you get it? There's
gonna be movie scouts

at the Mr. Universe
contest, right?

And if the winner happens
to be dressed like Tarzan

would that hurt us,
would it..would it hurt us?

What do you want Bilko?

Good boy look here's
what I want you to do.

Can you make me a tight
fitting loin cloth to fit Forbes?

Sure. What's a loin-cloth?

Oh, it's a male bikini.

You know the thing that
Tarzan wears in the movies.

Oh yeah.

Only I want this made
out of leopard skin.

- Leopard skin?
- Yes.

Why not mink?

Mink are you nuts.

Tarzan is brave, he ain't rich.

You don't find
mink in the jungle.

You don't find leopards
in the Army either.

There's a leopard
skin on this post.

Somebody's got a
leopard skin, I've seen it.

It's in my... Emma Ritzik.

Emma Ritzik, Sarge she maybe
a beast but she ain't got spots.

I'm talking about that
old leopard skin coat

that's she's got that
must be 15 years old.

She'll give it to
us, we'll tear it up.

You make a loin... right.

Yeah but what makes you think
that she's gonna give it to you?

You don't know Emma like I do.

She's got a heart
bigger than her mouth.

Come on come on.

Emma I gotta hand it to you.

This is a perfect
finish to a lousy meal.

- A lousy cup of coffee.
- Look Rupert, you've had a hard time.

Why don't you take your
slippers and your newspaper

go into the bedroom
and drop dead?

If I did you'd cry
your eyes out.

Try me, go ahead just try me.

Oh... shhh there's
somebody at the door.

Wouldn't you know it... company
just when we have a chance

for a nice quiet
evening at home.

- Come in.
- Ah, Rupert and Emma how are you?

What do you want Bilko?

We're helping out
with a worthy charity.

See we're collecting
clothes for the needy.

Leave me alone, Bilko.

Oh surely Emma you have
an old dress you can spare?

Sure I have an old
dress but I can't spare it.

- I'm wearing it.
- Oh, come now.

Say Bilko I got a pair of
old slacks you can have.

Say that's very
generous of you Rupert.

Well I hope you don't
mind there's a rip in one leg,

that's where Emma bit me.

Well we'll take anything.

Emma, certainly you
can spare some old coat

or something like that.

Are you kidding?

And tell me who are
you collecting this for?

The Salvation Army.

Well what a coincidence
that's where I buy my clothes.

Oh come now Emma,
everybody knows

you're one of the 10 best
dressed women in camp.

Hah, that's a laugh.

Do you wanna see
my fabulous wardrobe?

Do you want to see
what I've got to show

after 15 years of married life?

What this great big, generous
man has given me to show.

All the clothes that
you're talking about,

there that's my
fabulous wardrobe.

Oh surely you could
spare this ragged old coat.

Don't be silly, who
are you kidding?

And what will I have to keep
warm in the winter, antifreeze?

Oh Emma you won't need
this after the anniversary present

that Rupert is gonna give you.

What?

Oh I went and gave
away the secret.

You mean Rupert is
gonna get me a new coat?

A fur coat? A short fur coat?

A cloth coat?

- Watch!
- Yeah

2 words, second word,
sounds like, holler.

A cloth coat with a fur collar.

Right.

Why did I give it away, though?

Oh a new coat.
Here Bilko, take this.

Thank you very much
dear we'll see that

you get your receipt
the first of the week.

Here Bilko, here's
these.. Where'd he go?

Oh Rupert I'm sorry
I yelled at you before

you're really very sweet.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. I can
wait till next week.

Emma if I didn't know
it happened years ago,

I'd swear you were
losing your mind.

Let me see gotta
give a little dip here,

a little carelessness,
that's what I want.

Now let me... Give
me the hair spray.

Oh - hair spray?

Now look this is for
you own sake now.

Alrighty comb.

A little dip-a-roony.
Ah that's it.

Very good, now wait second,
something - eye brow pencil.

Oh no not that Sarge.

Now look, I happen to
know that Perc Westmore

worked 2 hours a
day on Buster Crabbe.

Now let me help
you with these things.

Just a little sweep, a little
look of innocence, up..surprise.

That's it a little
surprise on this side.

Very good, very good.
Give me the mirror.

- Well what do you think?
- Swell.

Maybe the contest winner'll
take me out to dance.

Now look don't get silly, you...

- Ernie, can I see you a minute.
- Excuse me.

The dame, the one
who's suppose to faint

when Forbes is
announced, she's outside.

Good.

All right Hensh where is she?

Over here miss.
Perfect, perfect.

Wide-eyed, giddy looking...
just the type we want.

Now Miss you know what
you're supposed to do for your $5?

- I think so.
- What do you mean you think so?

It's gotta be better than that,
this is very important to me.

We better rehearse this.

Now look, when Chuck
Forbes comes out on the ramp

I want you to scream.

And then to faint,
you understand this.

We better rehearse it once.

The announcer will say and
our next entry Chuck Forbes.

Aaahh!!

Miss what's wrong, I said
Forbes not Frankenstein.

I want the scream
to be drawn out.

You know full of desire,
ecstasy you understand.

Let's try it.

Aaaaaahh!! Aaaaah!!

Where did you get her?

Did you tell her what I wanted?

Hold, hold it.

This is murder.

Now look miss, this is
very important to me.

We're gonna be on television

and all of your
friends will see you.

Have you ever been
on television before?

You're not gonna
be nervous are you?

- No.
- Good, good.

Look maybe this'll help.

- Here this is for you.
- Oh thank you Sir.

Wait a minute we
didn't do anything.

Did you tell her what this is...

Oh look this may help you.

Think of this mentally when
Chuck Forbes comes out

before you scream and faint
visualize this in your mind.

This guy is 6 ft 2, and he is
handsome like a Greek God.

He tapers down to
practically nothing in the waist,

broad shoulders and a
deep chest, rippling muscles,

a latin lover type
that'll help you.

Oh that's perfect. Great.

Hey Ernie, this
dame really fainted.

You're kiddin'. Oh
this is a real nut,

get her out of here.

Hold it! All right.

Ah beautiful, beautiful I
feel sorry for the competition.

- Don't waste your sympathy.
- What do you mean?

Take a look at the
competition. They just came in.

Oh I suppose that's
important to you.

You think that's manly?
Big ugly muscles.

- Ernie?
- What?

- We're in trouble.
- You're right.

If he stands amongst them,
he looks like Mr. Malnutrition.

Well, good luck
fellas in the contest.

I suppose you
know all the rules.

Each contestant must speak
at least 3 foreign languages.

I suppose you
knew that didn't you?

Oh yes any 3 languages at all.

- Everybody dressed?
- Yeah what's up?

One of the judges wants
to take some pictures

before the contest begins.

This way Ma'am.

Now this is Ursula Thorndike,
editor of Body Health Magazine.

Hello boys, this will
only take a moment.

I just flew in from New York,

and I wanna get a nice
group picture for my magazine.

- Now gather in closely.
- Oh excuse me Miss. Thorndike.

May I offer my
assistance? I'm used to this.

I've done so many
of this for the Army.

See if a group picture doesn't
have the proper dimensions

you've lost the whole effect.

You'll bear me out
cause you've taken...

Oh let me pose them for you.

Will you, will you get down
on your knees and give me

a determination pose,
down on your knees.

Now face this way so
we get a good profile.

And you, look up, up and turn.

- And you, what's your name?
- Forbes.

Right in there, right in there. Now you
will you turn your back close to the wall

and give me a look
over your shoulder.

Take a deep breath, that's
a good.. There you are Miss.

Just a minute if you don't
mind I'd like to do this myself.

Get up boys, get up.
Now move in closer.

Oh skinny, you
go at the end there.

You pose nicely boys, ooh nice.

Now Donald, take
the picture please.

- Thanks fellas.
- Thank you boys it was splendid.

- I'll see you all later.
- Excuse me a moment Miss
Thorndike.

Yes?

As a devoted reader
of your magazine,

may I ask you a
personal question please?

Well what is it?

What is the circulation
of your magazine?

We have about 15,000 readers?

15,000, that's disgraceful.

May I ask you another
personal question?

Yes.

And please listen to
this question very intently,

how would you like to have
a circulation of 2 million.

2 million but where
would they come from?

Same place this Forbes
comes from, the Army.

The Army?

Yes I can personally
guarantee you

should a soldier
win this contest.

A grateful Pentagon would make
your magazine required reading.

- What? What? Huh?
- I see.

Now let me understand this,

in other words you want
me to help your man to win.

That's right Ursula,
oh those eyes that hair.

Who does your hair my dear?

Just a minute Sergeant,
and for this favour

you'll guarantee me a
circulation of 2 million?

I certainly do my
dear, what do you say?

- What can I say Sergeant.
- Say it, say it.

Very well, Police, Police.

This man tried to
bribe me by seeing to it

that I made his man
Forbes the winner.

Not true, I'll tell you who
I am, I'm from the FBI,

I was just giving
her the honesty test.

And may I say she is as
honest as she is lovely.

It's all right boys.

He's lying it was
an out and out bribe!

What are you talking about
bribe, watch it, watch it.

Gee Ernie, did it hurt
when they dropped you?

Well fortunately my fall
was broken by the floor.

Of course it hurt.

Why don't we give up
and go back to camp.

No he's still gonna
be the new Tarzan.

But he's been disqualified.

So what we're going
to renew interest.

We start a publicity
stunt, some gimmick.

- Sarge?
- What?

I've got an idea.

Who is the guy playing
Tarzan in the movies now?

Gordon Scott.

Okay why don't we
take Forbes to Hollywood

let him pick a fight with this
guy Scott in some public place,

then boom..we're
in the headlines.

Not bad, but not good enough.

We've gotta have
him fight an animal.

An animal?

Yes the most ferocious
animal there is, a gorilla.

- But Ernie he will get killed.
- Not with this gorilla.

This gorilla
wouldn't hurt a fly.

- Who's it gonna be?
- Who else, Doberman.

Come on there's one thing
you gotta remember be natural,

you don't kno.. Where's
Mighty Joe Young?

Roc's hiding him
out in the barracks.

Is he, well get him
here on the double.

I'll rehearse you both,
to get this moving.

Hey Roc, bring him in.

All right come on Roc,
before the platoon gets back.

Come on.

Aha good, good
job Roc. Very good.

Sarge why does it
always have to be me?

Because we need you,
now put the head on.

Do I have to?

Yes it will be more authentic
and you look better that way.

Put it on, on the double.

I'll let you know
what to do next.

Alrighty, very good.

Now's it on tight? Can
you hear me in there?

I read you loud and clear.

Very good now let me
see ya clawing like a gorilla,

- you know make..
- Grrrrrh.

Yeah and now a
deep rumbling sound,

you know the kind you
always make, let me hear that.

Get real vicious. Aha hold it.

Hold it, hold it.

Hold, hold it. Very good.

Let me hear real loud. Grrrrrh.

Oh great he's either
a natural born actor

or a natural born gorilla.

Look Ernie no producer is
gonna fall for a corny trick like this.

He'll fall for it, because
he wants to fall for it.

It means a $1
million in publicity.

And you as soon as it gets
dark, I'm gonna take you out

and practice you on trees,
climbing from tree to tree.

Now stay hidden and do
what I tell you move, move.

- Get it.
- What, what is it?

Why didn't you think of that
before you got into the suit?

- What's the matter dear?
- My stomach feels upset.

It must have been that Welsh
rarebit we had for dinner.

Aa-aa-aaaaa-aaaa!

What's that?

I don't know? Maybe somebody
else had Welsh rarebit too.

Nell, do we have any
bicarbonate in the house?

What's the matter John you
look like you've just seen a ghost.

- I wish I had.
- What do you mean?

I think I just saw a gorilla.

What do you think
of this sector Sir?

I think it might make an
excellent bivouac area.

It has possibilities.

Let me take a look at
it through the glasses.

What's the matter Sir?

Barker what kind of wildlife
is native to this region?

Oh Jack-rabbits,
gophers, coyotes,

maybe an occasional
mountain lion.

How about an occasional gorilla?

The Colonel's pulling my leg.

Barker, look over
there about a mile away

near that clump of trees.

- Let's see.
- What do you see?

- Nothing Sir.
- Are you sure?

- I don't see anything Sir.
- Oh that's a relief.

Barker before I forget it,
take a memo, Mess Sgt. Ritzik

under no circumstances
is Welsh rarebit

to be served at Camp Fremont.

I don't care what
you think Barker.

I could have sworn I saw a
gorilla through these binoculars.

Sir you must be overtired.

It might have been
an optical illusion.

Nonsense.

Or it might even
have been a deer Sir.

Barker, since when do
deers walk on their hind legs?

I know Sir... why don't
you just lie down for a while

a nap will do you
a world of good.

Maybe you're right Barker.
I think I'll take the rest

of the afternoon off and go home.
- Good Sir.

- Colonel Hall.
- What is it Corporal?

There's a civilian outside who
says he must see you right away.

Send him in. What a
day, gorillas, civilians.

Colonel you have to do
something immediately, immediately.

Now what, what. Now
please control yourself.

Oh it was terrible, terrible.

Sit down now tell me
what happened, calmly.

Well I was right outside
of the camp hunting rabbits

and suddenly there it was.

- There what was?
- A gorilla.

Oh now look here, now
you're just... a gorilla?

Yes, the biggest, the
ugliest gorilla I've ever seen.

Well Barker, an optical illusion,
might even have been a deer.

- Oh no it was a gorilla!
- I know it was a gorilla!

Colonel you've got to do
something, before it kills somebody.

But what is a gorilla
doing around here?

Oh it might have escaped
from the zoo or a circus.

Barker, call Grove
City and alert the police.

- Warn everybody to stay indoors.
- Yes Sir.

Corporal this is a red alert.

I want every Company
Commander in my office.

Full field equipment
and live ammunition.

I saw it Colonel.
It was a gorilla.

I know it was a gorilla!

All right men the beast was
last sighted in this area here.

There's no time to lose.

Captain Anderson take
your machine gun company

and move it along this dirt road.
- Yes Sir.

Lt. Johnson, get a
squad of flame throwers

and proceed carefully
through this swamp.

Yes Sir.

And keep your eye on
the trees we have no idea

how it's traveling.

- Capt. Hawks.
- Yes Sir.

You and your rifle
men form a skirmish line

and go from here North.

- Sorry I'm late Sir.
- Where have you been Bilko?

You see I was in the jeep,

outside of the woods
when it broke done.

Never mind that now Bilko.
There's an emergency?

Emergency, what happened Sir.

There's an escaped
gorilla lose in the vicinity

and we've got to destroy it.

Now you got your orders men.

Move out, and remember
take no chances, shoot to kill.

Sir, stop them
there's a mistake Sir.

- Leave me alone Bilko.
- Sir.

Sanders where's that
bazooka I ordered?

Sir listen Sir,

And I want you to send my
jeep sent over immediately.

Sir you must listen to
me there's a mistake.

What is it Bilko.

Sir, it's not a gorilla
it's Doberman.

I don't care who it
is we're going to...

- Doberman?
- In a gorilla suit.

You see we were
talking some gag pictures

to send home to his family Sir.

And to think that I'm personally
commanding 3000 men

in an attack on one
fat American soldier.

Sir, you've got use
the phone and call it off,

Sir before they kill him Sir.

Sanders, Colonel Hall I
want you to contact all units..

- Ten-shun!
- General Alexander.

What are you doing here?

I was driving through Grove
City and I heard the police alert.

It was quick thinking,
John using the Army

to protect the community.

Phone Sir, the phone!

Go ahead John don't let me
interfere with your operation.

You're handling it
magnificently. I'll take a look.

Quick Sir, the phone, the phone.

Sarge, Sarge some guy took
a pot shot at me out there..

- Doberman.
- What did you say Colonel?

Oh I was just
talking to the gorilla.

I mean I was giving
orders, to Sgt. Bilko.

Is there anything
that I can do help?

Sir I have a suggestion
why don't you invite

the General to stay here
at the Command Post

while you personally
lead the men into the field.

You go ahead John
I'd be glad to help out.

Yeah, yeah.

Lead on Colonel
Courageous your men

would follow you anywhere Sir.

And you can believe me
General the community

can rest at ease because I
promise you by tomorrow morning

that gorilla will be hanging
in the Colonel's trophy room.

Well Forbes I'm
sorry it didn't work out,

but I think you'd have
made a great Tarzan.

Oh, it's all right.

Keep in shape kid, we'll
think of something else.

Bilko, here Bilko
you gotta sign this.

Sign what?

This is an application
for a bank loan for $300

and you're the co-maker
and you gotta sign right here.

You must be out
of your mind Rupert,

I quit signing things the minute
I signed my enlistment papers.

- Yeah but you got me into this.
- $300, what's that for?

For the new coat that you
promised Emma that I would buy her.

Oh now, would you just
tell her I was drinking,

I was out of my mind I
didn't know what I was saying.

And she'll forget
the whole thing.

- Do you think she'll believe that?
- Of course she will.

Good. Then you tell her.

Tell her, what do you...? Emma!

Look Bilko I'm sick
and tired of having you

interfering in my private life.

Now you came to my
house and personally ruined

a brand new 15 year old coat.

I'm not gonna stand for
that kind of thing anymore.

From now on I want you
to keep away from Rupert.

I want you to keep away from me,

I want you to keep
away from our house.

Now get it, oh I will sign.

If you don't I'll make you
leave us alone once and for all.

I'm signing. I'm
signing. I'm signing.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

Kenneth Vaughn as Forbes,

Joe E Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Beatrice Pons as Mrs. Ritzik,

Edith King as Ursula Thorndike,

John Alexander
as Gen. Alexander,

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker,

Fred Herrick as the Hunter,

and Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall