The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 22 - Bilko's Sharpshooter - full transcript
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Bulls eye! Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Wow! Did you see that?
9 out of 10 bulls eyes.
Did you ever see so
much talent in one finger?
Great shooting, Pete!
9 out of 10, I just can't
seem to get started today.
Anyone wanna shoot
against the champ?
His fingers are little
under the weather today.
Here's a chance for you
to pick up some money.
Ah, that's a sucker bet, Ritzik.
You already cleaned
out the platoon
and nobody can beat Pete
masters and you know it.
What a shame, all these
bulls eyes going to waste.
Go ahead and shoot. Oh
did I hurt your arm, champ?
Did I jiggle your eyeball?
No, Sarge, I'm okay.
Bulls eye!
Ceasefire!
All right, patch those
targets and get 'em up again.
Okay, okay.
Target pit duty, huh?
Fine come down for
a motor pool Sergeant.
You're the one that got
us down here, Sarge.
Sure, for a crap game.
Who figured the
Army would use this
for their own selfish purposes?
That's Army justice, they
catch you in the target pits,
they make you work in the pits.
No pal, it's not
justice. It's revenge.
This is the only way
the Colonel can get me
in front of a firing
squad legally.
All right Mullen don't
mope around, move it!
Move it!
Okay Sarge, 5,000
rounds of ammunition
being fired every minute.
One lucky bullet
could free us all.
I heard that Mullen, I heard
that pal, no wishful thinking.
I got friends in the
firing line too pal.
Wow! Another bulls eye!
Doesn't that Pete
Masters ever miss?
Never, Ritzik is cleaning
up on bets with Masters.
You like the luck I'm in?
Once every 10 years a
Rubinstein of the Rifle comes along
and he winds up
at Ritzik's platoon.
Why don't you buy
him from Ritzik, Sarge?
I tried, I offered him
you, Mullen and Paparelli.
Sell us, flesh and blood?
What else, what you think
I'm gonna give him cash?
Ceasefire!
All right Sgt. Ritzik,
move your men out.
Can't he take a
couple of more shots?
- He's hot today Captain.
- I'm sorry your time is up.
Sgt. Grover has a
group of new recruits
who have to learn
how to handle a rifle.
Move your men in Sgt. Grover.
Yes Captain. Yes Sir.
Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you the
Colonel is out to get us?
What do you think he did?
He ordered new
recruits on the firing line.
All right, get those targets up.
Why? Who's going to hit them?
Miss! Miss! Bulls eye!
Better watch yourself Mullen,
it's the lucky ones
you gotta worry about.
Bulls eye! Sarge, 2 in a row.
Jerk, he's probably lucky.
He's probably aiming
at another target.
- Bulls eye!
- Again?
- Bulls eye!
- Sarge, this guy isn't lucky.
- Hey, maybe we are!
- Bulls eye!
Can it be? Can it be?
Bulls eye! Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
- Sarge.
- Yeah, I heard, 8 out of 8.
9 out of 9.
One more, one more and
we got the new champion.
- Come on baby!
- Bulls eye!
- 10 out of 10.
- Yeah!
I found him! I found him!
I'll tell you I'll make a
fortune from Ritzik alone.
Who is it, Sarge?
I don't know, maybe the
Army drafted Wyatt Earp!
Well, why don't you
go look and see?
I know what you're up to.
But Sarge, 10 out of
10, why don't you call up
and see who it is?
Yeah why don't you find out?
Shut up! It's last thing we do.
We don't want this
all over the camp.
And Mullen, turn in a
full report, don't look.
- Let me get out of here.
- Where are you going?
I'm going to sneak
around the firing range
and claim our fortune.
Mullen, what number
was he firing from?
Number 5.
5 is the lucky
number, little Phoebe.
Look out.
Ceasefire!
Just a minute young
lady, who are you?
Pvt. Polly Porter, Sir.
What are you doing here?
Oh I just joined the
WAC replacement, Sir.
I saw the fellows coming
out for rifle practice
and I thought I'd come
along and have some fun.
Fun, this is live ammunition,
you could have killed someone.
Oh no, Sir.
Back in Banjo City,
Texas, where I come from
I won the turkey shoot every
year since I've been 4 years old.
Well, Pvt. Porter if you
wanna amuse yourself,
go to a shooting gallery.
But right now we've
got soldiers to train here.
Now get back to your office.
Oh, couldn't I shoot
a few more rounds.
No, Pvt. Porter.
Hey, where are you
going with that rifle?
Oh, it's all right
Sir, it's mine.
My Daddy gave it to me
for my Sweet 16 party.
Hey soldier, on the double.
You'll fire at target 5.
Did you ever shoot a gun before?
Yes, Sir, once I had a
water pistol for Christmas.
Well, assume your
position and fire when ready.
- The target's out there, soldier.
- Yes Sir.
- Where?
- Out there!
Come back here!
Oh I see it, I think.
Ceasefire! Take 10.
Hey, were you just
firing on number 5?
Yes I was.
My boy, my boy I've
waited all my life for you.
Did I hit the target?
Did you hit the
target? 10 out of 10.
My boy, my darling boy.
Gee, Sarge, do you
like the way I shoot?
Do I like the way you shoot?
Does Casey Stengel like
the way Mickey Mantle hits?
- What platoon are you in?
- Sgt. Grover's.
Sgt. Grover, did Sgt.
Grover ever see you shoot?
- Nobody ever did.
- Nobody ever did!
All my years of goodness
are finally paying off.
Hey, 10 out 10! 10 out of 10!
Hey let me loo..do you
always wear those glasses?
- Only to see.
- Only to see.
Well, there he is the
Wizard of Camp Fremont.
- What do you want, Bilko?
- Official Army business.
The radio in the Colonel's
car is on the blink.
I want you to lend me
one of your geniuses
over the Motor Pool to fix it.
Fix it yourself, Bilko.
I need every man I've got to
setup this radar equipment.
Hold the phone Irish,
the Colonel is using
the car himself this afternoon
and you know how he is
when he can't tune
in Tex and Jinx.
Bilko, this is a big job, I can't
spare an experienced man.
All right, give me
one of your new men.
I don't know. How about him?
Oh Schneider, yeah, I could
do without him for a while.
Emil, drop what you're
doing and go with Sgt. Bilko.
Wait a minute, Emil?
Emil Schneider?
Let me outta here,
boy that was close!
Just a minute, Bilko. What's
wrong with Schneider?
Will you keep your voice down?
That's the last guy in the
world I want mad at me.
Wait a minute, Bilko.
What's with this guy?
All right Emil, go
over the supply room
and pick up a
300 volt generator.
- Come on, on the double!
- Yes Sarge, yes, Sarge!
What's with this Schneider?
Look, it isn't his fault really.
He didn't mean to
blow up the building.
- Blow up a building?
- It was an accident.
I saw on his civilian
record over at personnel.
I was looking over
the new replacements.
There were
accidents, all accidents.
What do you mean, they?
Well the poor kid
has just had bad luck
on every job he's ever been on.
- What jobs?
Well, first it was that job in
Milwaukee, the big brewery.
He was a tap inspector, you know
those big giant vats those beer vats.
He was supposed
to turn off the spigots.
One night he forgot to
turn off one of the spigots.
- What happened?
- What happened?
The next morning the night shift
was clinging to
the electric fixtures.
The foam was up to here.
If you'd have opened the door
it would have flooded
Milwaukee away.
And he was responsible for that?
It's not that they can prove it.
But the same thing
happened in Denver.
- What happened in Denver?
- What happened in Denver?
Denver his job was to turn off
the master switch
in the factory.
What factory?
The air conditioning
factory, all weekend it was on.
Came back Monday, they
had to shut the factory down
for 6 months till the
Spring when it thawed out.
- It was an accident.
- And he's in the Army now?
What do you want them to do,
put him in jail just
because he's a jinx?
And I got this place wired
with high voltage equipment?
Well, you better watch it.
Sarge, here's the generator,
where's the
switch, I'll plug it in.
- Let me out of here!
- Don't touch it!
Get out! Get out of here!
- Where should I go?
- I don't care where you'll go.
- Get out of here!
- Boy, that was close.
When he went for that switch
my whole life
flashed in front of me.
Oh, I gotta get rid of him.
Ernie, you could use a
radio man on the Motor Pool.
Sure, a radio man sure
but not a human bomb!
I'll make it worth your while.
Look, Grover there are some
things you can't bribe a guy with.
I'll build you a
colour television set.
- With stereophonic sound?
- The works!
Okay, send it over.
I might as well live
with the little time I got.
All right you guys, you
wanna make a killing, get it up!
- Here Sarge.
- $20.
All right fellas.
- Hold it! Hold it!
- Wait a minute.
All right, Fleischman
and Doberman.
But can this guy
Schneider shoot?
- Tell him Mullen.
- 10 out of 10.
I never saw a
guy shoot like that.
- A perfect score!
- Okay, put me down for 10.
- All put him down for 10.
- I'm in for a quarter, Sarge.
Hold it, Doberman, we
got no children's window.
- Sarge, it's all I got.
- Take his quarter.
Did you get the
other men's money?
Sarge, I just took
the tyre off the truck.
What is this? What is this?
Who's letting this boy
dirty his golden fingers?
What's wrong with you Emil?
I distinctly told
you to wear gloves.
But I can't work with gloves on.
Baby, we don't want you to work.
All we want you to
do is shoot the rifle.
- Me, shoot?
- Is that cute?
Did you ever see such
modesty? Me, shoot?
It's like Sinatra
saying, me sing?
Well, if I'm gonna shoot, I
might as well go and practice.
No, no, no, I don't want
you near that rifle range.
If anybody sees how you shoot,
we won't be able
to get a bet down.
I know what you mean, Sarge.
I think he's
beautiful! Beautiful.
Look, if anybody asks you,
you can't hit the side of a barn.
- I can't hit the side of a barn.
- Isn't he great?
You never held a rifle in
your hand until you got here.
- I never did!
- Oh is he beautiful!
What an actor and so convincing!
Hey Ernie, here comes Ritzik.
All right look, here's
what I want you to do.
You get out of here.
When you hear the
sound of this jeep horn,
you come in through that door.
Why, Sarge?
Well, I guess I might
as well tell him, all right?
Look, we're gonna trap
Sgt. Ritzik into making a bet
on a shooting match between
his rifle champion and you.
Shooting match, but Sarge,
I can't hit the side of a barn!
Get out of here and come
back when you hear this horn.
And don't go that way go this
way and come around the back.
Hey Bilko, what's the
big rush to see me?
Oh yeah, I wanted to see you.
Look, you tell your
men in the kitchen,
from now on when my
men pick up the garbage,
I want the eggshells and
the orange peels separated.
- Are you nuts?
- Nuts?
That's the new regulation.
There will be 2 pickups.
Orange peels
Wednesdays and Thursdays,
eggshells Fridays and Saturdays.
Look, Bilko, since when does
neatness come with garbage?
From now on!
You take care of your trucks
and I'll take care of my garbage!
What garbage are
you talking about?
The one you throw away
or the one you serve us?
I think he just
insulted my cooking.
Yeah, Sarge.
I don't wanna listen
to any more of this
I'm going back to my kitchen.
Sure go ahead, the
murderer always returns
to the scene of the crime!
You insulted me and my whole
crew and we want satisfaction.
Oh really? Well, so do we!
Yeah!
Well, how about our platoons
slugging it out behind the PX?
- Let me start it, Sarge.
- Hold it!
What are we living in the
stone Age? Here's what we'll do.
We'll pick one man
from each platoon
and engage in a
scientific game of skill.
- What kind of game?
- Oh I don't know.
I'm so mad, anything.
You pick it out.
All right, I say a
shooting contest!
Oh wait a minute! What
do you think, we're nuts?
We ain't got anybody
in our platoon
who can shoot half
as good as Masters.
Well, you said to
name it and I named it.
I suppose you
wanna back out now?
Oh yeah, I'll show you
how much I wanna back out.
I'll just bet you $273.25.
Sorry fellas, but our
honour was at stake.
We're with you, Sarge.
Well It's a bet. All right, now
who's gonna shoot for you?
I don't know. You got me so mad.
I don't care anybody who
walks through that door.
- It's a deal.
- Yeah!
It's... Holy smokes!
It's him, this little
fellow in the glasses.
Hey, what are you trying
to pull around here Ritzik,
you planted him
outside, didn't you?
Wait a minute, look
kid. Don't be nervous.
Can you shoot a rifle?
I can't hit the side of a barn.
He can't hit the side of barn.
Oh, I finally got
you where I wanted.
Hey you wanna
pay now shoot later?
I'll show you something,
you got me really.
All right, the match is on.
Tomorrow afternoon 12:00
o'clock on the rifle range.
- It's a deal.
- Can you shoot good at all, kid?
I never held a rifle
before yesterday.
I better get out of here
before I die of laughing.
Oh man, what did we get into...
Ha, ha fellas, I got a little idea.
Tomorrow afternoon a
certain Sergeant on his post
is in for a big
surprise, what what?
Bulls eye, all right Bilko,
that makes 23 out of 25.
Let's see your
man beat that one.
Okay, Ritzik get ready
for the shock of your life.
- Whadda ya mean?
- You've been taken, pal.
What you thought was a
miserable little sad sack,
happens to be one of
the best shots in the Army.
All right, Emil, for
the sum of $273.25,
show these amateurs
what a perfect score is like.
Gee, I hope I don't
disappoint you, Sarge.
Don't worry pal, you just
do what you did yesterday
and nobody'll be disappointed.
All right, stand
back. A star is born.
I didn't see it, where'd it go?
- Where'd it go?
- He didn't even hit the target.
Maybe it didn't come down yet.
Is this the great sharpshooter?
What happened, Emil,
did somebody playing dirty,
somebody pushed your arm?
Give him room. Let him shoot.
Come on now, we'll make it
24 out of 25, we'll show him.
Go ahead kid.
Where is it? Was it a bulls eye?
He ain't even shooting
on his rifle range!
What happened,
yesterday he hit 10 out of 10.
- Yeah, what happened?
- All right, wait a minute.
All right kid, you can
tell me. They got to you.
- They paid you to throw the match?
- No.
No, maybe the smoke
is fogging up his glasses.
- No, Sarge.
- All right, kid.
Come on, we'll go for a tie
and then we'll knock their
brains out in the playoff!
Go ahead.
What happened, you little rat?
I told you Sarge, I couldn't
hit the side of a barn.
You were supposed
to say that, not do it!
- Come on Bilko, pay up.
- All right pay him.
Oh boy, did you outsmart
me! Let's go Pete.
Emil, what happened
from yesterday to today?
What did you do,
change your style?
No I shot the same
way yesterday.
- I just squeezed the trigger and...
- Hit the deck!
You could kill somebody.
This kid is dangerous.
I bet my wife's allotment
on that little murderer!
- Yeah, we all lost our money!
- All right, break it up!
Emil, come here, yesterday
you hit 10 out of 10.
Today you almost killed
somebody, what happened?
But I never hit the
target yesterday.
I never hit the
target in my life.
What are you talking about,
I saw the bulls eyes myself.
It wasn't me, Sarge. It must
have been somebody else.
- Who? Who?
- Excuse me.
- Come here.
- Are you finished with this target?
- Yes I am.
- I wanna talk to you.
Emil, you realize I
lost a fortune on you
and I don't like to lose money.
- Bulls eye!
Why do you think I had you
transferred to the Motor Pool,
to change tires?
- Bulls eye!
The way you handle a
rifle and I can do that myself!
Bulls eye!
That's what I wanted
to hear, bulls eye!
Bull... bulls, what bulls
eye! Where bulls eye?
She, she did, Sarge, 3 in a row.
Miss, do you realize you
just hit 3 bulls eyes in a row?
Why of course, what else
are you supposed to do?
Yesterday I had 10 out of 10
before they chased me away.
Yest... you were here yesterday?
It was her and I bet on him!
Miss, have you always
been this good a shot?
Of course, back in Banjo City,
Daddy used to make me shoot
a cigarette out of his mouth.
If there was no bulls
eye, there was no Daddy.
- Is your father alive, today?
- He's 84 years old.
Oh that's, what, are
you a WAC on this post?
Yes, Sergeant,
Pvt. Polly Porter.
I'm a file clerk in
the Colonel's office.
Ten-shun! Young lady,
are you here again?
I told you yesterday you
weren't allowed on this rifle range.
If she's not allowed, Sir,
we shouldn't be allowed.
Quiet Bilko!
Private, get back to your job
and don't let me
catch you here again.
Yes, Sir.
You should know better than
to let a woman shoot a rifle.
Who knows what damage
she could have caused!
Yes, Sir.
The Captain's right, I
should never let her shoot.
I should never let
her shoot for less than
$1,000 a performance
plus 10% of the gross.
- What performance?
- What performance?
Circuses, State Fairs,
rodeos, television.
Do you realize I could
get rich with a gun
and I don't have
to stick anybody up!
And we can win our
money back from Ritzik.
Just for revenge, but after
that it's on to fame and fortune.
I can just see it now
Buffalo Bilko Presents
the Modern Anne Oakley,
Pot Shot Polly Porter!
Sarge, I wanna
ask you something...
Look wander, wander
around the rifle range.
I wonder what I did
wrong. Maybe if I practiced.
Is there anything else, Colonel?
Oh yes, it seems that
Camp Everett in Texas
is requesting a WAC replacement.
Send them anyone we can spare.
Well, there's that new girl,
Polly Porter, she's from Texas.
She'll probably be delighted.
Good, have her orders
cut and tell her to get ready
to leave in the morning.
- Yes, Sir.
Oh and by the way
Corporal, did they ever find out
who shot that water
pitcher out of my hand?
- No, Sir.
- Well get me another one.
See if they have any bullet
proof glass for my window.
At least until these new
recruits learn how to shoot.
Yes, Sir.
Hey Polly, boy have I
got good news for you!
What is it, Edna?
You're being transferred in the
morning to Camp Everett, Texas.
- Camp Everett?
- Yeah.
Why that's just a hoot and
a holler from Banjo City.
- Yeah.
- Don't that beat all!
Quiet! Quiet on the set!
Oh, excuse me girls, every
time I see your loveliness
I think I'm at a movie studio.
I just can't wait till they start
shooting humans into space.
Oh come now, Edna I've no
time for science fiction chitchat.
There you are Miss Porter, oh
you're right, you're right Rocco.
The most beautiful girls in
the world do come from Texas.
Oh, Sergeant, you're
making me blush.
Mah compliments
to your beauty ma'am
it's like the sunrise
coming up over the oil fields.
May I have that please, a
little token of ours esteem.
A cactus plant!
Just a symbol of your
glorious home state.
That's real sweet.
Oh by the way,
Miss Polly, we admire
the way you handled
the rifle today.
Yes, and we're gonna break an
ancient custom and let a girl in.
Into what?
The Buffalo Bilko Amateur
Rifle Shooting Club,
of course you'll have to be
vouched for by 2 sharpshooters.
- Oh we'll vouch for her.
- Oh splendid you're in.
May I introduce 2 sharpshooters,
this is Bang Bang Barbella
and this is Deadeye Henshaw.
That's his deadeye right there.
A rifle club? Where
do you shoot?
Oh, State Fairs,
rodeos, television.
You just sign this
application blank
and I'll arrange for your
bullets and costumes.
- I'd love to join.
- She'd love to join.
But I'm being shipped out of
Camp Fremont in the morning.
She's being shipped
out... shipped out?
- Where?
- To Camp Everett in Texas.
- Ain't I lucky?
- No, but you can't do that.
The rifle club hasn't
got a branch in Texas.
Oh no, I won't let
you go! I won't have it.
Oh, I am sorry, Sergeant.
But the Army makes
up the rules not me.
Well, don't you
bet on it Miss Polly.
You know the Army
does change its mind.
Well, General Custer, this
looks like your last stand.
Yeah, our fortune is
going back to Texas
and we need it
more than they do.
Oh shut up! I'll stop her.
There must be a way. A way!
Hey, I got an idea.
- What?
- Why don't you marry her?
Should I hit him, Ernie?
No, you hit him!
It's a great idea!
You're gonna marry her?
Course not, but the
Colonel's gonna think I am.
Give me a ring.
Who's got a ring?
I got a High
School Graduation...
That'll do. Gimme, gimme.
All right, now get out of here.
Watch a money
mad fool go to work.
Come in.
Good afternoon, Colonel Sir.
I wonder if I can
impose a favour on you.
Would you hold my
money for safe keeping, Sir?
Why, is it hot Bilko?
Oh, no Sir it's cold. Cold cash!
I'm sort of setting it aside,
Sir, sort of a little nest egg.
Saving it for a rainy
crap game, Bilko?
Was I really like that,
Sir? I guess she was right.
- She?
- Oh, darn!
That slipped out it was
supposed to be a secret, Sir.
You see, Sir, please
hold the money.
I have my eyes set on this
darling little bedroom set.
It's bird eyed maple
with little cupid carvings
on the headboard, Sir.
Bilko, are you
going with a girl?
Oh yes Sir, I guess
it's written all over me.
Oh be still my foolish heart.
Why, that's wonderful, Bilko!
When is the big day going to be?
Pretty soon, Sir I've already
picked out the ring, Sir.
I wish I could let
you touch it, Sir.
You see I only have
it on approval, Sir.
Well, Bilko,
bedroom sets, rings...
Yes.
Well, it seems to have
made a new man out of you.
Yes, and I guess I owe it
all to that certain party, Sir.
Oh yes, Sir and here, here
are my cards and my dice.
I've already burned
the roulette wheel, Sir.
Well, Bilko, any girl
that can do this to you
must be one in a million!
- She is, Sir.
- Who is it?
Oh, she's a WAC on the
post. Isn't it wonderful?
- We can always be together.
- What's her name?
Oh Sir, I couldn't.
I promised her.
Oh now come on,
Bilko. What's her name?
- Is that an order, Sir?
- Yes.
Poopsie, ah, Polly Porter, Sir.
Polly Porter! Polly Porter?
That's her name.
Oh no, Bilko, I'm afraid I have
some disturbing news for you.
Your Polly is
being sent to Texas.
Oh when is she coming back, Sir?
She's not coming back.
It's a permanent transfer.
She's... not coming back?
You shipped her out of
here when I had this lead
on this lovely apartment, Sir?
- Now calm yourself, Bilko.
- How can I be calm?
Give me back my
dice, and my cards
I might as well be my same
old worthless self again.
Oh no, no not that Bilko, I'll
send someone else to Texas.
You will, Sir?
Yes, yes. I will Bilko.
I will I will. You'll see.
Now just wait. Just wait.
Edna, pack, you're going
to Texas in the morning
in place of Pvt. Porter!
Oh, thank you, Sir.
Will I be invited to
the wedding, Bilko?
Sir, on my word, if there's a
wedding, you'll be invited, Sir!
Well, goodbye Miss Polly!
Oh Sergeant, I'm not
leaving for Texas after all.
I'll be able to join
your rifle club now.
Oh wonderful, say look,
we're having a rifle shoot
on the rifle range
tomorrow at 12:00 o'clock.
- You'll be there?
- I'll be there, Sergeant.
Wonderful! Wonderful!
200, 250,300.
There you are Rupert, we
hocked everything to cover your bet.
Okay, you're on.
Where's your man?
- Here comes my man now.
- Hi Sergeant.
- Am I late?
- Say Bilko who is she, the hostess?
- Oh, she's my man!
- And ours Sarge!
Bilko, you really must
have flipped your fuzz.
Yeah, we'll see
who's flipped his fuzz.
Polly, I want you to meet
your opponent, Pete Masters.
All right Ritzik,
best out of 25 shots.
- You start.
- Ladies first.
If that's your pleasure, okay.
Polly, hey pal come
on pay attention.
Show him Polly, this is
where they get put in the barrel.
Go on honey. Come
on pay attention, shoot!
- Where'd it go?
- Boy, what a miss!
Polly, Polly what's it?
Something in your eye?
Come on, pay attention!
Show 'em what you can do, shoot!
The target's out there.
What is this, counterfeit money?
You're not betting
real money on her.
Shut up! Come on
Polly, settle down.
Come on shoot!
Edna!
Polly, Polly, what do you
wanna do, break up the club?
She's tired. She needs a rest.
It's safer that way. Go
ahead and shoot, Pete.
- Where'd it go?
- He missed!
Pete, calm down and
shoot straight Pete.
Missed again!
Pete, shoot straight!
Pete, don't be
afraid to beat a lady.
Another miss!
Bilko, let's call this bet off.
I think you're right before
someone starts shootin' back.
- Give me the money.
- Here, here.
Hey, what's the
matter with you 2?
Polly, you wanna go
to the PX for a soda?
I'd go anywhere
for a soda with you.
Bilko, what's with these
2? Are they in a fog?
They're not in a fog,
pal. They're in love.
- But they only just met.
- Does it make any difference?
I had the same look when
I saw my first dollar bill.
It stays with you forever, boys.
- Ten-shun!
- What's going on here?
- Who's the sniper?
- Sniper, Sir?
Yes, I haven't had a
glass of water all day.
- Who was it?
- Well, I'll confess, Sir.
It was me, Sir.
I was shooting at the
target pretending it was him!
- Him?
- Who's him?
- Him, who stole her, Sir.
- Her?
- Polly Porter, Sir.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Bilko.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, Sir, give me back
my dice and my cards
until this heartbreak
is over, Sir.
All right, Bilko if you just
promise not to shoot anymore.
- Yes, Sir.
- Meet me in my office
and we'll talk about it.
- Yes, Sir.
Come on, let's get
off this rifle range.
I've had nothing
but bad luck here.
Sarge, Sarge, I've
been practicing.
- Do you wanna see me shoot?
- Emil, do me a favour.
Get away from me.
Here Grover he's yours.
You can't do that.
Look, take him in
your platoon, will you?
All right, I'll give you
back your television set
and $10 in cash.
- Just keep him away from me.
- It's a deal!
Sgt. Grover, you
wanna see me shoot?
Go ahead.
Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Where? Where bulls eye?
Bulls eye! Emil!
Get your hands
off of him, Bilko.
He's mine! All mine!
There it is boys, that's
life. You raise 'em.
You care for 'em and then they
grow up and then they leave you.
You wanna leave me, huh?
Go ahead, Emil,
shoot the old, Sarge.
- Shoot me in the back.
- No, no, Sarge!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Peggy Cass as Polly Porter.
Bill Bramley as Pete Masters.
Leo Liebman as
Pvt. Emil Schneider.
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Larry Douglas
as Capt. Anderson.
Trailers.to: Watch Full HD Movies & TV Shows
Premium Platform
Premium Platform
Bulls eye! Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Wow! Did you see that?
9 out of 10 bulls eyes.
Did you ever see so
much talent in one finger?
Great shooting, Pete!
9 out of 10, I just can't
seem to get started today.
Anyone wanna shoot
against the champ?
His fingers are little
under the weather today.
Here's a chance for you
to pick up some money.
Ah, that's a sucker bet, Ritzik.
You already cleaned
out the platoon
and nobody can beat Pete
masters and you know it.
What a shame, all these
bulls eyes going to waste.
Go ahead and shoot. Oh
did I hurt your arm, champ?
Did I jiggle your eyeball?
No, Sarge, I'm okay.
Bulls eye!
Ceasefire!
All right, patch those
targets and get 'em up again.
Okay, okay.
Target pit duty, huh?
Fine come down for
a motor pool Sergeant.
You're the one that got
us down here, Sarge.
Sure, for a crap game.
Who figured the
Army would use this
for their own selfish purposes?
That's Army justice, they
catch you in the target pits,
they make you work in the pits.
No pal, it's not
justice. It's revenge.
This is the only way
the Colonel can get me
in front of a firing
squad legally.
All right Mullen don't
mope around, move it!
Move it!
Okay Sarge, 5,000
rounds of ammunition
being fired every minute.
One lucky bullet
could free us all.
I heard that Mullen, I heard
that pal, no wishful thinking.
I got friends in the
firing line too pal.
Wow! Another bulls eye!
Doesn't that Pete
Masters ever miss?
Never, Ritzik is cleaning
up on bets with Masters.
You like the luck I'm in?
Once every 10 years a
Rubinstein of the Rifle comes along
and he winds up
at Ritzik's platoon.
Why don't you buy
him from Ritzik, Sarge?
I tried, I offered him
you, Mullen and Paparelli.
Sell us, flesh and blood?
What else, what you think
I'm gonna give him cash?
Ceasefire!
All right Sgt. Ritzik,
move your men out.
Can't he take a
couple of more shots?
- He's hot today Captain.
- I'm sorry your time is up.
Sgt. Grover has a
group of new recruits
who have to learn
how to handle a rifle.
Move your men in Sgt. Grover.
Yes Captain. Yes Sir.
Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you the
Colonel is out to get us?
What do you think he did?
He ordered new
recruits on the firing line.
All right, get those targets up.
Why? Who's going to hit them?
Miss! Miss! Bulls eye!
Better watch yourself Mullen,
it's the lucky ones
you gotta worry about.
Bulls eye! Sarge, 2 in a row.
Jerk, he's probably lucky.
He's probably aiming
at another target.
- Bulls eye!
- Again?
- Bulls eye!
- Sarge, this guy isn't lucky.
- Hey, maybe we are!
- Bulls eye!
Can it be? Can it be?
Bulls eye! Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
- Sarge.
- Yeah, I heard, 8 out of 8.
9 out of 9.
One more, one more and
we got the new champion.
- Come on baby!
- Bulls eye!
- 10 out of 10.
- Yeah!
I found him! I found him!
I'll tell you I'll make a
fortune from Ritzik alone.
Who is it, Sarge?
I don't know, maybe the
Army drafted Wyatt Earp!
Well, why don't you
go look and see?
I know what you're up to.
But Sarge, 10 out of
10, why don't you call up
and see who it is?
Yeah why don't you find out?
Shut up! It's last thing we do.
We don't want this
all over the camp.
And Mullen, turn in a
full report, don't look.
- Let me get out of here.
- Where are you going?
I'm going to sneak
around the firing range
and claim our fortune.
Mullen, what number
was he firing from?
Number 5.
5 is the lucky
number, little Phoebe.
Look out.
Ceasefire!
Just a minute young
lady, who are you?
Pvt. Polly Porter, Sir.
What are you doing here?
Oh I just joined the
WAC replacement, Sir.
I saw the fellows coming
out for rifle practice
and I thought I'd come
along and have some fun.
Fun, this is live ammunition,
you could have killed someone.
Oh no, Sir.
Back in Banjo City,
Texas, where I come from
I won the turkey shoot every
year since I've been 4 years old.
Well, Pvt. Porter if you
wanna amuse yourself,
go to a shooting gallery.
But right now we've
got soldiers to train here.
Now get back to your office.
Oh, couldn't I shoot
a few more rounds.
No, Pvt. Porter.
Hey, where are you
going with that rifle?
Oh, it's all right
Sir, it's mine.
My Daddy gave it to me
for my Sweet 16 party.
Hey soldier, on the double.
You'll fire at target 5.
Did you ever shoot a gun before?
Yes, Sir, once I had a
water pistol for Christmas.
Well, assume your
position and fire when ready.
- The target's out there, soldier.
- Yes Sir.
- Where?
- Out there!
Come back here!
Oh I see it, I think.
Ceasefire! Take 10.
Hey, were you just
firing on number 5?
Yes I was.
My boy, my boy I've
waited all my life for you.
Did I hit the target?
Did you hit the
target? 10 out of 10.
My boy, my darling boy.
Gee, Sarge, do you
like the way I shoot?
Do I like the way you shoot?
Does Casey Stengel like
the way Mickey Mantle hits?
- What platoon are you in?
- Sgt. Grover's.
Sgt. Grover, did Sgt.
Grover ever see you shoot?
- Nobody ever did.
- Nobody ever did!
All my years of goodness
are finally paying off.
Hey, 10 out 10! 10 out of 10!
Hey let me loo..do you
always wear those glasses?
- Only to see.
- Only to see.
Well, there he is the
Wizard of Camp Fremont.
- What do you want, Bilko?
- Official Army business.
The radio in the Colonel's
car is on the blink.
I want you to lend me
one of your geniuses
over the Motor Pool to fix it.
Fix it yourself, Bilko.
I need every man I've got to
setup this radar equipment.
Hold the phone Irish,
the Colonel is using
the car himself this afternoon
and you know how he is
when he can't tune
in Tex and Jinx.
Bilko, this is a big job, I can't
spare an experienced man.
All right, give me
one of your new men.
I don't know. How about him?
Oh Schneider, yeah, I could
do without him for a while.
Emil, drop what you're
doing and go with Sgt. Bilko.
Wait a minute, Emil?
Emil Schneider?
Let me outta here,
boy that was close!
Just a minute, Bilko. What's
wrong with Schneider?
Will you keep your voice down?
That's the last guy in the
world I want mad at me.
Wait a minute, Bilko.
What's with this guy?
All right Emil, go
over the supply room
and pick up a
300 volt generator.
- Come on, on the double!
- Yes Sarge, yes, Sarge!
What's with this Schneider?
Look, it isn't his fault really.
He didn't mean to
blow up the building.
- Blow up a building?
- It was an accident.
I saw on his civilian
record over at personnel.
I was looking over
the new replacements.
There were
accidents, all accidents.
What do you mean, they?
Well the poor kid
has just had bad luck
on every job he's ever been on.
- What jobs?
Well, first it was that job in
Milwaukee, the big brewery.
He was a tap inspector, you know
those big giant vats those beer vats.
He was supposed
to turn off the spigots.
One night he forgot to
turn off one of the spigots.
- What happened?
- What happened?
The next morning the night shift
was clinging to
the electric fixtures.
The foam was up to here.
If you'd have opened the door
it would have flooded
Milwaukee away.
And he was responsible for that?
It's not that they can prove it.
But the same thing
happened in Denver.
- What happened in Denver?
- What happened in Denver?
Denver his job was to turn off
the master switch
in the factory.
What factory?
The air conditioning
factory, all weekend it was on.
Came back Monday, they
had to shut the factory down
for 6 months till the
Spring when it thawed out.
- It was an accident.
- And he's in the Army now?
What do you want them to do,
put him in jail just
because he's a jinx?
And I got this place wired
with high voltage equipment?
Well, you better watch it.
Sarge, here's the generator,
where's the
switch, I'll plug it in.
- Let me out of here!
- Don't touch it!
Get out! Get out of here!
- Where should I go?
- I don't care where you'll go.
- Get out of here!
- Boy, that was close.
When he went for that switch
my whole life
flashed in front of me.
Oh, I gotta get rid of him.
Ernie, you could use a
radio man on the Motor Pool.
Sure, a radio man sure
but not a human bomb!
I'll make it worth your while.
Look, Grover there are some
things you can't bribe a guy with.
I'll build you a
colour television set.
- With stereophonic sound?
- The works!
Okay, send it over.
I might as well live
with the little time I got.
All right you guys, you
wanna make a killing, get it up!
- Here Sarge.
- $20.
All right fellas.
- Hold it! Hold it!
- Wait a minute.
All right, Fleischman
and Doberman.
But can this guy
Schneider shoot?
- Tell him Mullen.
- 10 out of 10.
I never saw a
guy shoot like that.
- A perfect score!
- Okay, put me down for 10.
- All put him down for 10.
- I'm in for a quarter, Sarge.
Hold it, Doberman, we
got no children's window.
- Sarge, it's all I got.
- Take his quarter.
Did you get the
other men's money?
Sarge, I just took
the tyre off the truck.
What is this? What is this?
Who's letting this boy
dirty his golden fingers?
What's wrong with you Emil?
I distinctly told
you to wear gloves.
But I can't work with gloves on.
Baby, we don't want you to work.
All we want you to
do is shoot the rifle.
- Me, shoot?
- Is that cute?
Did you ever see such
modesty? Me, shoot?
It's like Sinatra
saying, me sing?
Well, if I'm gonna shoot, I
might as well go and practice.
No, no, no, I don't want
you near that rifle range.
If anybody sees how you shoot,
we won't be able
to get a bet down.
I know what you mean, Sarge.
I think he's
beautiful! Beautiful.
Look, if anybody asks you,
you can't hit the side of a barn.
- I can't hit the side of a barn.
- Isn't he great?
You never held a rifle in
your hand until you got here.
- I never did!
- Oh is he beautiful!
What an actor and so convincing!
Hey Ernie, here comes Ritzik.
All right look, here's
what I want you to do.
You get out of here.
When you hear the
sound of this jeep horn,
you come in through that door.
Why, Sarge?
Well, I guess I might
as well tell him, all right?
Look, we're gonna trap
Sgt. Ritzik into making a bet
on a shooting match between
his rifle champion and you.
Shooting match, but Sarge,
I can't hit the side of a barn!
Get out of here and come
back when you hear this horn.
And don't go that way go this
way and come around the back.
Hey Bilko, what's the
big rush to see me?
Oh yeah, I wanted to see you.
Look, you tell your
men in the kitchen,
from now on when my
men pick up the garbage,
I want the eggshells and
the orange peels separated.
- Are you nuts?
- Nuts?
That's the new regulation.
There will be 2 pickups.
Orange peels
Wednesdays and Thursdays,
eggshells Fridays and Saturdays.
Look, Bilko, since when does
neatness come with garbage?
From now on!
You take care of your trucks
and I'll take care of my garbage!
What garbage are
you talking about?
The one you throw away
or the one you serve us?
I think he just
insulted my cooking.
Yeah, Sarge.
I don't wanna listen
to any more of this
I'm going back to my kitchen.
Sure go ahead, the
murderer always returns
to the scene of the crime!
You insulted me and my whole
crew and we want satisfaction.
Oh really? Well, so do we!
Yeah!
Well, how about our platoons
slugging it out behind the PX?
- Let me start it, Sarge.
- Hold it!
What are we living in the
stone Age? Here's what we'll do.
We'll pick one man
from each platoon
and engage in a
scientific game of skill.
- What kind of game?
- Oh I don't know.
I'm so mad, anything.
You pick it out.
All right, I say a
shooting contest!
Oh wait a minute! What
do you think, we're nuts?
We ain't got anybody
in our platoon
who can shoot half
as good as Masters.
Well, you said to
name it and I named it.
I suppose you
wanna back out now?
Oh yeah, I'll show you
how much I wanna back out.
I'll just bet you $273.25.
Sorry fellas, but our
honour was at stake.
We're with you, Sarge.
Well It's a bet. All right, now
who's gonna shoot for you?
I don't know. You got me so mad.
I don't care anybody who
walks through that door.
- It's a deal.
- Yeah!
It's... Holy smokes!
It's him, this little
fellow in the glasses.
Hey, what are you trying
to pull around here Ritzik,
you planted him
outside, didn't you?
Wait a minute, look
kid. Don't be nervous.
Can you shoot a rifle?
I can't hit the side of a barn.
He can't hit the side of barn.
Oh, I finally got
you where I wanted.
Hey you wanna
pay now shoot later?
I'll show you something,
you got me really.
All right, the match is on.
Tomorrow afternoon 12:00
o'clock on the rifle range.
- It's a deal.
- Can you shoot good at all, kid?
I never held a rifle
before yesterday.
I better get out of here
before I die of laughing.
Oh man, what did we get into...
Ha, ha fellas, I got a little idea.
Tomorrow afternoon a
certain Sergeant on his post
is in for a big
surprise, what what?
Bulls eye, all right Bilko,
that makes 23 out of 25.
Let's see your
man beat that one.
Okay, Ritzik get ready
for the shock of your life.
- Whadda ya mean?
- You've been taken, pal.
What you thought was a
miserable little sad sack,
happens to be one of
the best shots in the Army.
All right, Emil, for
the sum of $273.25,
show these amateurs
what a perfect score is like.
Gee, I hope I don't
disappoint you, Sarge.
Don't worry pal, you just
do what you did yesterday
and nobody'll be disappointed.
All right, stand
back. A star is born.
I didn't see it, where'd it go?
- Where'd it go?
- He didn't even hit the target.
Maybe it didn't come down yet.
Is this the great sharpshooter?
What happened, Emil,
did somebody playing dirty,
somebody pushed your arm?
Give him room. Let him shoot.
Come on now, we'll make it
24 out of 25, we'll show him.
Go ahead kid.
Where is it? Was it a bulls eye?
He ain't even shooting
on his rifle range!
What happened,
yesterday he hit 10 out of 10.
- Yeah, what happened?
- All right, wait a minute.
All right kid, you can
tell me. They got to you.
- They paid you to throw the match?
- No.
No, maybe the smoke
is fogging up his glasses.
- No, Sarge.
- All right, kid.
Come on, we'll go for a tie
and then we'll knock their
brains out in the playoff!
Go ahead.
What happened, you little rat?
I told you Sarge, I couldn't
hit the side of a barn.
You were supposed
to say that, not do it!
- Come on Bilko, pay up.
- All right pay him.
Oh boy, did you outsmart
me! Let's go Pete.
Emil, what happened
from yesterday to today?
What did you do,
change your style?
No I shot the same
way yesterday.
- I just squeezed the trigger and...
- Hit the deck!
You could kill somebody.
This kid is dangerous.
I bet my wife's allotment
on that little murderer!
- Yeah, we all lost our money!
- All right, break it up!
Emil, come here, yesterday
you hit 10 out of 10.
Today you almost killed
somebody, what happened?
But I never hit the
target yesterday.
I never hit the
target in my life.
What are you talking about,
I saw the bulls eyes myself.
It wasn't me, Sarge. It must
have been somebody else.
- Who? Who?
- Excuse me.
- Come here.
- Are you finished with this target?
- Yes I am.
- I wanna talk to you.
Emil, you realize I
lost a fortune on you
and I don't like to lose money.
- Bulls eye!
Why do you think I had you
transferred to the Motor Pool,
to change tires?
- Bulls eye!
The way you handle a
rifle and I can do that myself!
Bulls eye!
That's what I wanted
to hear, bulls eye!
Bull... bulls, what bulls
eye! Where bulls eye?
She, she did, Sarge, 3 in a row.
Miss, do you realize you
just hit 3 bulls eyes in a row?
Why of course, what else
are you supposed to do?
Yesterday I had 10 out of 10
before they chased me away.
Yest... you were here yesterday?
It was her and I bet on him!
Miss, have you always
been this good a shot?
Of course, back in Banjo City,
Daddy used to make me shoot
a cigarette out of his mouth.
If there was no bulls
eye, there was no Daddy.
- Is your father alive, today?
- He's 84 years old.
Oh that's, what, are
you a WAC on this post?
Yes, Sergeant,
Pvt. Polly Porter.
I'm a file clerk in
the Colonel's office.
Ten-shun! Young lady,
are you here again?
I told you yesterday you
weren't allowed on this rifle range.
If she's not allowed, Sir,
we shouldn't be allowed.
Quiet Bilko!
Private, get back to your job
and don't let me
catch you here again.
Yes, Sir.
You should know better than
to let a woman shoot a rifle.
Who knows what damage
she could have caused!
Yes, Sir.
The Captain's right, I
should never let her shoot.
I should never let
her shoot for less than
$1,000 a performance
plus 10% of the gross.
- What performance?
- What performance?
Circuses, State Fairs,
rodeos, television.
Do you realize I could
get rich with a gun
and I don't have
to stick anybody up!
And we can win our
money back from Ritzik.
Just for revenge, but after
that it's on to fame and fortune.
I can just see it now
Buffalo Bilko Presents
the Modern Anne Oakley,
Pot Shot Polly Porter!
Sarge, I wanna
ask you something...
Look wander, wander
around the rifle range.
I wonder what I did
wrong. Maybe if I practiced.
Is there anything else, Colonel?
Oh yes, it seems that
Camp Everett in Texas
is requesting a WAC replacement.
Send them anyone we can spare.
Well, there's that new girl,
Polly Porter, she's from Texas.
She'll probably be delighted.
Good, have her orders
cut and tell her to get ready
to leave in the morning.
- Yes, Sir.
Oh and by the way
Corporal, did they ever find out
who shot that water
pitcher out of my hand?
- No, Sir.
- Well get me another one.
See if they have any bullet
proof glass for my window.
At least until these new
recruits learn how to shoot.
Yes, Sir.
Hey Polly, boy have I
got good news for you!
What is it, Edna?
You're being transferred in the
morning to Camp Everett, Texas.
- Camp Everett?
- Yeah.
Why that's just a hoot and
a holler from Banjo City.
- Yeah.
- Don't that beat all!
Quiet! Quiet on the set!
Oh, excuse me girls, every
time I see your loveliness
I think I'm at a movie studio.
I just can't wait till they start
shooting humans into space.
Oh come now, Edna I've no
time for science fiction chitchat.
There you are Miss Porter, oh
you're right, you're right Rocco.
The most beautiful girls in
the world do come from Texas.
Oh, Sergeant, you're
making me blush.
Mah compliments
to your beauty ma'am
it's like the sunrise
coming up over the oil fields.
May I have that please, a
little token of ours esteem.
A cactus plant!
Just a symbol of your
glorious home state.
That's real sweet.
Oh by the way,
Miss Polly, we admire
the way you handled
the rifle today.
Yes, and we're gonna break an
ancient custom and let a girl in.
Into what?
The Buffalo Bilko Amateur
Rifle Shooting Club,
of course you'll have to be
vouched for by 2 sharpshooters.
- Oh we'll vouch for her.
- Oh splendid you're in.
May I introduce 2 sharpshooters,
this is Bang Bang Barbella
and this is Deadeye Henshaw.
That's his deadeye right there.
A rifle club? Where
do you shoot?
Oh, State Fairs,
rodeos, television.
You just sign this
application blank
and I'll arrange for your
bullets and costumes.
- I'd love to join.
- She'd love to join.
But I'm being shipped out of
Camp Fremont in the morning.
She's being shipped
out... shipped out?
- Where?
- To Camp Everett in Texas.
- Ain't I lucky?
- No, but you can't do that.
The rifle club hasn't
got a branch in Texas.
Oh no, I won't let
you go! I won't have it.
Oh, I am sorry, Sergeant.
But the Army makes
up the rules not me.
Well, don't you
bet on it Miss Polly.
You know the Army
does change its mind.
Well, General Custer, this
looks like your last stand.
Yeah, our fortune is
going back to Texas
and we need it
more than they do.
Oh shut up! I'll stop her.
There must be a way. A way!
Hey, I got an idea.
- What?
- Why don't you marry her?
Should I hit him, Ernie?
No, you hit him!
It's a great idea!
You're gonna marry her?
Course not, but the
Colonel's gonna think I am.
Give me a ring.
Who's got a ring?
I got a High
School Graduation...
That'll do. Gimme, gimme.
All right, now get out of here.
Watch a money
mad fool go to work.
Come in.
Good afternoon, Colonel Sir.
I wonder if I can
impose a favour on you.
Would you hold my
money for safe keeping, Sir?
Why, is it hot Bilko?
Oh, no Sir it's cold. Cold cash!
I'm sort of setting it aside,
Sir, sort of a little nest egg.
Saving it for a rainy
crap game, Bilko?
Was I really like that,
Sir? I guess she was right.
- She?
- Oh, darn!
That slipped out it was
supposed to be a secret, Sir.
You see, Sir, please
hold the money.
I have my eyes set on this
darling little bedroom set.
It's bird eyed maple
with little cupid carvings
on the headboard, Sir.
Bilko, are you
going with a girl?
Oh yes Sir, I guess
it's written all over me.
Oh be still my foolish heart.
Why, that's wonderful, Bilko!
When is the big day going to be?
Pretty soon, Sir I've already
picked out the ring, Sir.
I wish I could let
you touch it, Sir.
You see I only have
it on approval, Sir.
Well, Bilko,
bedroom sets, rings...
Yes.
Well, it seems to have
made a new man out of you.
Yes, and I guess I owe it
all to that certain party, Sir.
Oh yes, Sir and here, here
are my cards and my dice.
I've already burned
the roulette wheel, Sir.
Well, Bilko, any girl
that can do this to you
must be one in a million!
- She is, Sir.
- Who is it?
Oh, she's a WAC on the
post. Isn't it wonderful?
- We can always be together.
- What's her name?
Oh Sir, I couldn't.
I promised her.
Oh now come on,
Bilko. What's her name?
- Is that an order, Sir?
- Yes.
Poopsie, ah, Polly Porter, Sir.
Polly Porter! Polly Porter?
That's her name.
Oh no, Bilko, I'm afraid I have
some disturbing news for you.
Your Polly is
being sent to Texas.
Oh when is she coming back, Sir?
She's not coming back.
It's a permanent transfer.
She's... not coming back?
You shipped her out of
here when I had this lead
on this lovely apartment, Sir?
- Now calm yourself, Bilko.
- How can I be calm?
Give me back my
dice, and my cards
I might as well be my same
old worthless self again.
Oh no, no not that Bilko, I'll
send someone else to Texas.
You will, Sir?
Yes, yes. I will Bilko.
I will I will. You'll see.
Now just wait. Just wait.
Edna, pack, you're going
to Texas in the morning
in place of Pvt. Porter!
Oh, thank you, Sir.
Will I be invited to
the wedding, Bilko?
Sir, on my word, if there's a
wedding, you'll be invited, Sir!
Well, goodbye Miss Polly!
Oh Sergeant, I'm not
leaving for Texas after all.
I'll be able to join
your rifle club now.
Oh wonderful, say look,
we're having a rifle shoot
on the rifle range
tomorrow at 12:00 o'clock.
- You'll be there?
- I'll be there, Sergeant.
Wonderful! Wonderful!
200, 250,300.
There you are Rupert, we
hocked everything to cover your bet.
Okay, you're on.
Where's your man?
- Here comes my man now.
- Hi Sergeant.
- Am I late?
- Say Bilko who is she, the hostess?
- Oh, she's my man!
- And ours Sarge!
Bilko, you really must
have flipped your fuzz.
Yeah, we'll see
who's flipped his fuzz.
Polly, I want you to meet
your opponent, Pete Masters.
All right Ritzik,
best out of 25 shots.
- You start.
- Ladies first.
If that's your pleasure, okay.
Polly, hey pal come
on pay attention.
Show him Polly, this is
where they get put in the barrel.
Go on honey. Come
on pay attention, shoot!
- Where'd it go?
- Boy, what a miss!
Polly, Polly what's it?
Something in your eye?
Come on, pay attention!
Show 'em what you can do, shoot!
The target's out there.
What is this, counterfeit money?
You're not betting
real money on her.
Shut up! Come on
Polly, settle down.
Come on shoot!
Edna!
Polly, Polly, what do you
wanna do, break up the club?
She's tired. She needs a rest.
It's safer that way. Go
ahead and shoot, Pete.
- Where'd it go?
- He missed!
Pete, calm down and
shoot straight Pete.
Missed again!
Pete, shoot straight!
Pete, don't be
afraid to beat a lady.
Another miss!
Bilko, let's call this bet off.
I think you're right before
someone starts shootin' back.
- Give me the money.
- Here, here.
Hey, what's the
matter with you 2?
Polly, you wanna go
to the PX for a soda?
I'd go anywhere
for a soda with you.
Bilko, what's with these
2? Are they in a fog?
They're not in a fog,
pal. They're in love.
- But they only just met.
- Does it make any difference?
I had the same look when
I saw my first dollar bill.
It stays with you forever, boys.
- Ten-shun!
- What's going on here?
- Who's the sniper?
- Sniper, Sir?
Yes, I haven't had a
glass of water all day.
- Who was it?
- Well, I'll confess, Sir.
It was me, Sir.
I was shooting at the
target pretending it was him!
- Him?
- Who's him?
- Him, who stole her, Sir.
- Her?
- Polly Porter, Sir.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Bilko.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, Sir, give me back
my dice and my cards
until this heartbreak
is over, Sir.
All right, Bilko if you just
promise not to shoot anymore.
- Yes, Sir.
- Meet me in my office
and we'll talk about it.
- Yes, Sir.
Come on, let's get
off this rifle range.
I've had nothing
but bad luck here.
Sarge, Sarge, I've
been practicing.
- Do you wanna see me shoot?
- Emil, do me a favour.
Get away from me.
Here Grover he's yours.
You can't do that.
Look, take him in
your platoon, will you?
All right, I'll give you
back your television set
and $10 in cash.
- Just keep him away from me.
- It's a deal!
Sgt. Grover, you
wanna see me shoot?
Go ahead.
Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Bulls eye! Bulls eye!
Where? Where bulls eye?
Bulls eye! Emil!
Get your hands
off of him, Bilko.
He's mine! All mine!
There it is boys, that's
life. You raise 'em.
You care for 'em and then they
grow up and then they leave you.
You wanna leave me, huh?
Go ahead, Emil,
shoot the old, Sarge.
- Shoot me in the back.
- No, no, Sarge!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Peggy Cass as Polly Porter.
Bill Bramley as Pete Masters.
Leo Liebman as
Pvt. Emil Schneider.
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Larry Douglas
as Capt. Anderson.
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