The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Colonel's Promotion - full transcript

Well, Anderson,
only one more week

and it might be
Brigadier-General Hall.

I've got my fingers
crossed for you, Sir.

Thank you, Anderson.

It will certainly be a pleasure
to retire these old eagles.

Oh, is the door
closed, Anderson?

- Yes, Sir.
- I wanna show you something.

Here they are,
my Brigadier stars.

Oh, they're beautiful.
But they look a little small.

I've been shining
'em for 8 years,

it's a wonder
there's anything left.



I'm sure you'll
make it this time.

I wish I could be so sure.

Last time I was
up for Brigadier,

they pulled a
surprise inspection.

Oh, what happened?

They found Bilko
staging a pageant,

entitled salute to the 3 Rs.

Sounds educational.

That's what I thought,
but it turned out the 3 Rs

were 3 stripers, Rhonda,
Rita and Roxanne.

Do you think they'll pull
another inspection this time?

I don't know, but I'm
not taking any chances.

For the next few days,
I'm personally keeping

a 24 hr watch on Bilko,
and his playmates.



- Well, there he is.
- Sleeping like a baby.

Some baby, I'd like to
give 'im back to the stork.

Mmh, cut it out, Henshaw.

- Bilko, this is Col. Hall.
- Will..yes... Col. Hall!

Bilko, do you know it's 11:30?

11:30? Good heavens,
what is my Colonel

doing up this
late at night, Sir?

Bilko, it's 11:30
in the morning.

11:30? Oh I remember now, Sir.

Last night I had the platoon
out on a night problem,

we didn't get much sleep.
- What was the problem?

Seeing how fast you
could win their money?

Oh, oh, the Colonel's too fast
for me this morning, as usual.

Bilko, reveille in this
camp is 7 o'clock.

Yes, Sir.

Now, get into your uniform,
and go about your duties.

Yes, Sir.

- Ernie, Ernie, we're sorry.
- Sorry, huh?

Sorry? I told you I hate
to be awakened suddenly,

I get a headache.

- Well he took us by surprise.
- By surprise.

Fine state of
affairs in this camp

when the Colonel can
come and go as he pleases.

What's he poking around for?

Who knows, I got him so
confused even I can't figure him out.

Wait a minute,
what month is this?

- March.
- Huh, promotion time.

Hey, do you think he'll
make Brigadier General?

He's lucky if he makes Major.

What are you guys
standing around for?

Oh, you wanna
get dressed, Sarge?

What, dressed? I gotta
catch up on my sleep.

Move it, move it.

Everything's all set, Sarge.

- No sign of the Colonel?
- No.

Good, give the signal
for the boys to come in.

The same one we
used in New Guinea?

That's right.

The wolf call for Grover,
dog barking for Ritzik

and the owl hooting
for Pendleton.

All right, all right,
Lassie, you're in.

- Where's Pendleton?
- I didn't see him out there.

Well, we can't wait
for him let's start.

Same rules, Jacks or better?

Right. All righty.

All right, all right, he'll
wake the whole camp.

All right, shut up
will you, Pendleton?

Colonel Hall?

Oh, Sir, you're just in time, I
was about to read Grover's fortune.

Yes, this Queen of Hearts shows

that you're soon
to fall in love.

- Bilko, give me those cards.
- Yes, Sir.

Bilko, you might
as well give up.

I'm going to be on
your tail 24 hours a day.

- The joy ride is over.
- Yes, Sir.

No more gambling, no more
dances, no more pageants.

Nothing but strict
military discipline.

And remember,
I'll be watching you.

Yes, Sir.

- Phantom has struck again.
- I've never seen him like this.

Hey, he's all over the camp.

We haven't had a poker
game in over a week.

We'll never have one with
him watching us all the time.

Hold it, oh yes we will.

And this is how we make sure

that the Colonel never
surprises us again.

What is it, Ernie?

The Colonel's fountain
pen, he must've dropped it

coming through the window.

Grover, can you fit one of
those radio transistors into this?

- Sure.
- Good.

I mean, enough so we can
bounce sound waves off of it?

- Sure.
- Good boy, do it right away

and return that pen to the
Colonel first thing in the morning.

- I don't get it, Sarge.
- Henshaw, use your imagination.

We're gonna keep track
of the Colonel by radar.

- Sarge, do you think it'll work?
- I will try.

All right, boys,
that's all for the night.

Game will be tomorrow night
in the radio shack, move it.

Oh, wait a second,
I'm charging the signals.

You're a rooster,
you're lion roaring.

All right, don't scare people.

Come on, Ritzik, he sees
you, what have you got?

- A pair of Queens.
- No good.

3 little deuces.

- Yeah...
- Stop gloating, give me the rest of the
cards.

And give me a reading, Henshaw.

Colonel is just leaving
his office, Sarge.

Do you think he's
heading this way?

We'll find out soon
enough, how far away is he?

Approximately 1,800 yard,
his direction is due East.

Come on, he's coming.

Just sit down, he's
probably heading for the P.X.

1400 yards still heading
East, condition yellow.

- What does that mean?
- That's just an alert.

We don't have to break up the
card game until it's condition red.

Reading 900 yards,
direction unchanged.

What do you think, Hensh?

He's in a jeep and
he's travelling fast.

- Let's get out of here.
- Will you?

- Has he reached the P.X yet?
- Not yet, but he's close, standby.

- 850, 800, 750, 700.
- Well, well.

- 700, that's it, Ernie.
- That's Condition Red.

All right, you know what to do.

- Well, well.
- Reading 600 yards and closing fast!

This is it, don't panic,
just do what I told you,

put Plan X into
operation, move it!

Reading 400 yards,
300, 250, he's coming fast.

100, 80, 60, 40, 20, 10.

Direct contact.

I know you're in there, Bilko.

Well, Colonel Hall, this
is a pleasant surprise.

We're right in the
middle of a discussion

on the miracle of electronics.

I'll be with you
in a moment, Sir.

Is that clear, Sergeant?

Now, let me see if
I have this right, Sir.

The grid condenser sometimes
acts like a pre-amplifier

if used on the proper currency.

Is that a correct assumption?

- Quite correct, Sgt. Bilko.
- Oh, I got it this time.

It's amazing so much you can
learn in a few of these seminars.

Bilko, I don't think I
understand what's going on here.

Oh, it's quite simple, Sir.

It's an open discussion
between platoons, Sir

on a scientific nature.

You see now, Sgt.
Grover here is explaining

the latest
developments in his field

and next week I will
lecture on the latest thing

in the automotive dynamic, Sir.

Bilko, I think I owe you
and your friends an apology.

An apology? What for, Sir?

Yes, I dashed over
here because I thought

I'd catch you in a poker game.

Oh, really Sir, what a
waste of time that would be,

when we're thirsting
so for knowledge, Sir.

Well, I must say, Bilko, the idea
of exchanging technical information

between departments
is an excellent one.

In fact I think I may institute
it on a camp-wide basis.

Oh, that's an
excellent thought, Sir.

I'll make a note right
now so I won't forget.

Sit down, Sir.

- That's funny.
- What's that, Sir?

This pen seems hot.

Well that's probably caused
by body temperature, Sir.

Are you sure the Colonel's not
coming down with a cold, Sir?

No, I don't think so. Well,
I must be running along.

Well Sir, you're free
to sit in if you wish, Sir.

Another time, Bilko, I've
gotta get back to the office.

I'm expecting a wire
from the Pentagon.

- Carry on, men.
- Thank you very much.

- All right, men, back to work.
- The electronic work has to...

- Gee, I thought he'd never leave.
- Shh, where is he?

20 yards, 30, 50,
all clear, Sarge.

Good deal.

And now, gentlemen, we
come to a scientific question

of the utmost
importance. Who deals?

It's here, Sir, your
telegram from the Pentagon.

Finally arrived, eh?

Yes, Sir, and if you don't mind,
Sir, I'd appreciate the honour

of pinning the stars
on your shoulders.

- Thank you, Anderson.
- Well, aren't you gonna open it, Sir?

Well, to tell you the truth,
Anderson, I'm a little afraid.

Nonsense, I'm
sure you've made it.

Well, it's about
time, General Hall.

Well, as they used to say in
Brooklyn, wait until next year.

Oh, don't feel too badly, Sir.

They say, it's only because of
cutbacks in our Armed Forces.

I know, Anderson, it's just a
way of letting me down easy.

I feel bad for my Wife.

She was counting
on this promotion.

Why don't we go to the Officers
Club and have a drink, Sir?

Some other time, Anderson.

I think I'll just sit
here for a while.

Yes, Sir.

- Well, Rupert, whadda you do?
- I see you and 5 better.

Oh, you're really pushing
me to the wall, huh?

Ok, I see ya, wha you got?

- 3 fives.
- Ah, that was close.

- What'd you have, 3 fours?
- No, 3 sixes.

I let you go ahead for
a minute, huh? Funny?

Very funny, I'll laugh all
the way to the hock shop.

Is the Colonel coming back?

I don't know, he hasn't
moved in over an hour.

He could've left
his pen on the desk,

and be roaming around somewhere.

You're right, I'd
better investigate.

Well, gentlemen, we'll continue
this exciting laboratory work

as soon as I get back.

See that you do, Professor.

This adventure into science
has already cost me 35 clams.

Well, Rupert, I'm ashamed of
you, you think I'd beat you for $35

without giving you a
chance to lose more?

Col. Hall, I was just
passing by, I couldn't help

but notice that your
lights are still on, Sir.

Really, it's way past
10:00pm, don't you think

you're pushing yourself
a little too hard, Sir?

- Please, not now, Bilko.
- No, Sir.

I must say that I think
that your devotion to duty

is admirable, but your
health comes first, Sir.

Save it for your new
Commander, I've decided to retire.

No, Sir, I feel I
must speak out.

When a man like
you... retire, Sir?

Oh, Sir, you can't
do that to me.

I mean, you can't
do that to us, Sir.

I mean, what would Camp
Fremont be without you, Sir?

- I mean, retire indeed, Sir.
- Yes, that's what I'm gonna do.

Get in a little
fishing, some golf.

Take Nell down to
Florida, laze in the sun,

getting some sleep,
you know what I mean.

I know, Sir, your promotion
didn't come through.

Oh, that's right, Bilko.

Sir, I think it's an outrage
that an Officer of your caliber

has to be stymied
by Army red tape.

I was sure I can
make it this time.

I can't understand Gen.
Wakefield, we were classmates

he must know what
this means to me.

If I could only talk to him.

- Why don't you, Sir?
- Uh?

Why don't you call
him on the phone,

and tell him how you feel, Sir?

You really think it
would do any good?

I'm sure it would, if he
thinks that you want to retire

on account of this, Sir,
believe me, he'd reconsider.

After all, Officers like
you that command remote,

unglamorous posts such as this,

are the backbone of
the United States Army.

You're right, Bilko.

I'm gonna get on the phone
with Gen. Wakefield immediately.

Bully for you, Sir,
and be, be firm.

Better than that,
be aggressive, Sir.

Just think of what Gen.
Patton would've done

in a situation like this, Sir.

It's the only kind of
language they understand.

- Go get 'em, Sir.
- Will you stay and listen?

No, Sir, I promised Sgt. Ritzik
to give him another lesson, Sir.

Get me General Wakefield
at the Pentagon immediately.

General Wakefield,
this is Col. Hall.

No, no... Wakefield,
this is Hall.

GW, this is Hall,
Blood and Guts Hall.

I'm going to give it
to you hard and fast.

I'm tired of this
pussyfooting around.

I want action!

Good evening, Sir. What's that?

General Wakefield is too
busy to talk to me now?

Well, let's find out if he's
too busy to see me in person.

- John, calm down.
- I've been calm too long.

But, John, you just can't charge
into General Wakefield's office

and demand to be
made a Brigadier General.

What've I got to
lose? Bilko's right.

They don't respect you unless
you fight for what's coming to you.

I'll go in there and I'll
say "Wakefield, this is it".

Now, John, listen to me.

I won't, Nell, I've
made up my mind.

Either they give
me my promotion,

or I'm going to hand in
my resignation on the spot.

But, John, the Army is
your life. What would you do?

What would I do?
I'm still a young man.

I'd carve out a
career in civilian life.

But, John, you're almost 55.

Nell, age is a state of mind.

- Right now I feel 25.
- John.

Nell, where's my extra
suit of heavy underwear?

In the bottom
drawer of the bureau.

Don't you worry about me.

I know how to talk to them
down there in Washington.

I'll go in there and I'll say

"Wakefield, I'm tired
of this double talk.

I want an answer why
wasn't I made Brigadier?

You have to tell me
right now. You hear?"

Hello, connect me with the
Chaplain, please, and hurry.

You're right, Mrs.
Hall, this is serious.

He'll probably ruin his
whole military career.

You'll have to do
something, Padre.

I could have a talk with him.

Oh, I'm afraid that
wouldn't help at all.

- This requires emergency measures.
- What do you mean?

Well, I'm afraid we'll just
have to go to the one person

who can twist the Colonel
around his little finger.

You mean Sgt. Bilko?

Yes, he will know what to do.

You're right, I'll go
see him immediately.

Oh, good.

- Sgt. Bilko?
- What did you say, Padre?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking
what strange forms

the Guardian Angels
sometimes take.

- I'll see your raise.
- Me too.

- Ok, how many cards?
- What, who's that?

It's probably Rocco
with the coffee.

- Come in, it's open.
- How many cards?

- Give me 3 cards.
- I'll take 2.

Dealer stands pat.

Pat, huh? You won't
get away with it, pal.

Rocco, don't look at my
hand, will ya? It jinxes it.

Standing pat and you think
you're gonna bluff people.

Rocco eh... Padre!
What a surprise, Sir.

I'm sorry to interrupt
when you're busy.

Oh, that's quite all right, Sir.

No, it isn't really, I know
you wouldn't interrupt me

during a sermon.

But Sir, this is a harmless
game of casino for matches.

That's all for tonight, boys.

- Did you wanna see me, Sir?
- Yes, if you don't mind.

All right.

Hey, Bilko, could you let me
have 5 matches till pay day?

- Would you sit down, Padre?
- No, thank you.

Sgt. Bilko, I want
you to do me a favour.

You name it, Padre.

It's a rather radical request.

I want you to get the
Colonel out of trouble.

My Colonel's in trouble?
What happened, Sir?

Evidently somebody
steamed him up

about his not
getting a promotion.

And I'm afraid he's about
to do something drastic.

Drastic? One call to
Washington isn't drastic.

I mean, I heard
somebody tell me about it.

He's not just calling,
he's about to advance

on the Pentagon breathing fire.

- In person?
- Yes.

And if he doesn't
get his promotion

he's threatened to
resign on the spot.

But really, Sir, what
could I do if he's...

Ah, Sgt. Bilko,
may I remind you,

if we get a new Commanding
Officer, you're very likely

to become a very unhappy PFC.

I see what you... yes Sir,
I'll go and see him right now.

It's too late for that, Bilko,

he's already on his
way to the airport.

I'm afraid you'll just
have to go to Washington

on some pretext or other
and try to talk him out.

- Ok, Sir, I'll do it.
- Good.

And er, Bilko, the Colonel must
never know we put you up to this.

No, no, I'll keep it a secret.

Hmm..finagle a promotion
for the Colonel, huh?

- I like it, I like it.
It's a challenge, Sir.

- What do you mean?
- Bilko versus the Pentagon.

It's not a fair match, but
if it'll help the Colonel,

I don't care what
happens to the Pentagon.

Oh, Sir.

Colonel Hall!

Bilko! What are you
doing in Washington?

Well, you see, Sir,
right after you left camp,

my Aunt Martha
took suddenly ill, Sir.

Bilko, what is it
with that woman?

She gets sick every
time I leave camp.

Sir, it's only for 3 days.

Well, Sir, how are you making
out with General Wakefield?

Well, I tried to see him today

but his secretary
said he was too busy.

Oh, that's too bad.

I guess I'll have to barge in
on him without an appointment.

I'm running out of patience.

Really, Sir, you'll
have to control that

flaming temper of yours, Sir.

Bilko, I meant what I
said back at Fremont,

if I don't make
Brigadier I'll quit.

Lobby, please.

- Going up?
- 17, please.

Sir, there must be some
way of bringing your case

to General
Wakefield's attention.

- Going up?
- 10, please.

Tom, when are you seeing
the buyer for United Dynamics?

- The day after tomorrow.
- You think you'll get the contract?

It's in the bag. I'm playing
golf with his boss today.

Good thinking, Tom, if you
wanna get some place in this town,

you've got to be seen
with the right people.

Look, I do 60% of my
business on the golf course.

- 10th floor.
- You know, I've been thinking

you can do more business
on the golf course...

Colonel, how'd you like to
play some golf this afternoon?

Bilko, I didn't come
3,000 miles to play golf.

Sir, I know it's a
1000 to 1 chance,

but please go along
with me this time.

- What?
- I think it would be much better

if you met General
Wakefield on a social level.

- Yeah, I suppose so.
- 17?

Sir, change your clothes
and meet me in an hour

at the Burning
Tree Country Club.

- All right, down.
- I'm going up.

Down, down. Hee..

Hold it, let's see
your guest pass.

- Secret Service.
- Your name?

I'll ask the questions
here, your name?

- O'Reilly.
- Citizen?

- Yes, Sir. What's
all this about?

Confound it, man, I'll do
all the questioning here.

- He's playing today, isn't he?
- The President?

Keep your voice down, you
want the Democrats to hear you?

Now, let me have the
names of the foursome,

I'll check them
all for security.

Well, I don't
know if I should...

The foursome, quickly man.

Oh, it's Senator Hopkins, Mr. Chase
and Claude Harmon the golf pro.

It's only 3, who's the 4th?

- The President.
- Oh yes, you are alert.

J.B. Chase, is that
the well known banker?

- Yes, Sir.
- It all checks with my information.

When he arrives here
you tell him to take

the first plane to New
York and check into

the Sub-Treasury
Building immediately.

He's playing in the
president's foursome.

Confound it man,
what's more important,

the financial structure of our
country or some golf game?

- I'm sorry, yes Sir.
- Now you watch yourself!

Next thing you know
you'll be pounding a beat

at some municipal golf course.

Another thing, when Colonel Hall
comes through, pass him right in.

Colonel Hall? Keep
your f... stop, man.

Colonel Hall is the
Head of Security.

And don't ask him questions,
he has a flaming temper.

What's that tie doing
on the 3rd button?

Put it in the 2nd
button. Look alive, man.

Next time you see
me around, give a left.

That's it, take the
hands. Right there.

Excuse me, Sir, aren't
you Claude Harmon?

- Yes, that's right.
- Well, this is an honour, Sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Ernest G.
Bilko of the G.H.O.F

The G.H.O.F?

The Golfing Hall
Of Fame, oh yes.

We're a new
organization dedicated

to immortalizing the great
players of the fairways.

May I be the first to
congratulate you, Sir?

You mean I've been elected?

Elected, you're one of
our 4 charter members

along with Ben Hogan, Bobby
Jones and Joltin' Jack Hall.

Who? Who?

Of course, you remember Bobby
Jones? He of the grand slam fame.

Oh, how soon they're forgotten.

That's why we formed
this organization.

Oh, would you mind
autographing this ball?

I'd appreciate that very much.

- Thank you very much.
- Jack Hall?

Does that ball
look familiar to you?

- Familiar?
- Why, this is the very ball

that you sunk
your last putt with

when you won the
Masters in 1948.

- Well, how about that?
- How about that.

Now it goes into the golfing
museum on a golden tee.

That's place of honor right
between Ben Hogan's putter,

and Jack Hall's mighty niblick.

Excuse me, but who is Jack Hall?

Oh, I could never forget
those 300 yards drives of his

booming right into the wind,

when he won the Open
at Fremont last year.

I'm very sorry, I never
heard of Jack Hall.

You... oh, I forgot, he
never did turn professional.

Yes, it was a great
loss to the game

when Jack Hall decided
upon a military career.

Oh, he's in the Army?

- Who?
- Jack Hall.

Oh yes, yes.

That's what the
President always said.

Golfing's loss is
the country's gain.

- Ready to tee off, Mr. Harmon?
- Yes, are they ready?

- All except Mr. Chase.
- Mr. Chase, well where is he?

- Excuse me, Mr. Bilko.
- Yes, go right ahead, Sir.

Could I have the
front gate, please?

Hello. O'Reilly, Claude
Harmon speaking,

has Mr. Chase come through yet?

- What?
- Thanks.

Well, that sure
botches things up.

Something wrong, Mr. Harmon?

I need a top golfer in a hurry
to complete this foursome.

Oh, they do
disappoint you when...

- Well, here I am, Bilko.
- Well, it's Jack Hall.

What's that?

I'd like you to know
Mr. Claude Harmon.

The Jack Hall.

Claude Harmon?
Well, this is an honour.

Colonel, I know
it's on short notice

but would you consider rounding
out a foursome this afternoon?

- Well, I'd be glad to.
- Oh, that's great.

Meet us on the first tee
just as soon as you're ready.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- That's wonderful.

Swell, swell. He's
a grand guy, isn't it?

What a surprise, Bilko, I never
dreamt I'd live long enough

to play golf with Claude Harmon.

You ain't seen nothing yet, Sir.

Why don't you join
'em on the first tee, Sir?

They'll be waiting.

- Yeah.
- Have a nice game, Sir.

Keep that old head
down and whip away, Sir.

Who's playing with the President
besides Claude Harmon?

- Senator Hopkins.
- Who's the 4th man?

- I never saw him before.
- That's Colonel Jack Hall.

- Who?
- Hall.

Don't you remember him?
The Tiger of New Guinea?

He's a war hero.

He must be good if he's
playing with the President.

Great?

Rumor has it he's
our next Chief of Staff.

And what did you say
his name was again?

- Hall.
- Yeah.

Hall, Jack Hall, Camp Fremont,
Hall, Jack Hall, Camp Fremont.

He called me Jack.

Are you all right, Sir?

All right? This is the
happiest day of my life!

And he wants to
play with me again.

- Oh, isn't that wonderful.
- What did you shoot, Sir?

- 140.
- Oh, good.

He said I made him
feel like a champion.

- I'll bet, Sir.
- And he called me Jack.

Isn't that wonderful. Well,
we better run along, Sir,

you have this appointment with
General Wakefield this afternoon.

Do you think he'll give
me an appointment?

Are you kidding, Sir?

You know how quick word
spread around in Washington?

That's right, I played
golf with the President.

- Yes, you did.
- And do you know something, Bilko?

- What's that, Sir?
- He called me Jack.

Yeah, I know, I know.

There is very few people he
calls Jack, Sir, isn't that a fact.

Colonel Hall to
see Gen. Wakefield.

- You have an appointment, Sir?
- No, I don't.

I'll announce you,
but he's very busy.

General Wakefield, there's
a Colonel Hall to see you.

I told him you were very busy.

Do you suppose
you might be able to?

Jack! Good to see you, old
timer... how have you been?

Well fine, fine.

Well, come on in, Jack, say I
heard you broke a 150 today.

Oh, I just can't wait to see
John wearing his shiny new stars.

- I just called the
airport. He's on his way.

Oh, imagine John being
General Wakefield's

house guest for 2 whole days.

General John Hall, it
sounds good, doesn't it?

Oh, excuse me while
I freshen up a bit.

I feel as excited
as a school girl.

Hello, hello, is he back yet?

- Not yet, Sergeant.
- Ritzik just baked this cake.

It's got a shining new
star right in the middle.

Well, Bilko, someday you
must tell how you managed it.

Well, Sir, I was in Washington.

Bilko, please, would you pick
a day when I'm not in the room.

Oh, I understand, Sir.

Padre, I wonder who our new
Commanding Officer will be?

- New Commanding Officer?
- What do you mean, Sir?

Well, according to the
table of organization

Camp Fremont's CO is a Colonel.

General Hall will probably
be given another command.

I didn't figure on this,
Padre. What have I done?

A greater love hath no
man than one who would

lay down his rackets
for his fellow man.

Hello, everybody!

Here he is!

Hip, hip, hooray.

Hip, hip, hooray,
hip hip hooray!

Aah, oh John.

Well thanks for the welcome.

The stars look
just fine, General.

Well take a good look because
I won't be wearing them for long.

- John, I don't understand.
- Something go wrong, Sir?

Not a thing, they made me
a brigadier and I declined.

You declined?

Yes, it meant leaving Camp
Fremont and going to another post.

And I... well, Fremont is my
home and I just can't leave it.

Thank you, thank you.

It just means
waiting another year.

Wakefield told me they're
thinking of adding an air field here,

in which case they'll want
a General in command.

But, John, you
waited so long as it is.

No matter, Nell, just knowing
that they appreciate me

is what I really wanted.
- Oh, John!

Well, Bilko, everything
turned out fine.

Oh yes, Sir, I had a
feeling it would, Sir.

What do you mean?

Sir, you know what
the good book says,

as ye sow so shall ye reap.

Bilko, I didn't know you...

Padre, it's only good
business to know

what the
competition's all about.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Claude Harmon
who played himself,

Royal Beal as Gen. Wakefield,

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Larry Douglas as Lt. Anderson,

John Gibson as the Chaplain,

and Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.