The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 20 - Viva Bilko - full transcript
(barking orders)
My group, please stay close
together until we're through
the Mexican Border Inspection.
Buenos dias, senor.
I am the travel agent from
the Wilson Guided Tours.
Buenas tardes, senor.
- How many in your party?
- 6, here's the list.
All right, will my little
group stay together?
We don't wanna get
separated, do we?
Who's going to leave
you? You got all our money.
May I point out as the leader
of this tour I'm responsible.
Paying you 25 bucks a
piece for 3 days in Mexico,
we must be nuts!
You're forgetting one
thing, for that paltry sum,
you're getting deluxe
hotel accommodations,
first-rate transportation
and an excellent guide.
No one knows more about
Old Mexico than Senor Bilko.
Some guide, he saw 2 Cisco
Kid pictures on the late show,
suddenly he's an authority.
All right, wise guy.
You find Leo Carillo's
house by yourself.
- Next, please.
- Oh, buenos vista, signor.
- You are all together?
- Yes, we're together.
How long do you
intend to stay in Mexico?
3 fun-filled days and nights.
What is your business in Mexico?
Gaiety and frivolity,
what about that?
- May I see your identification?
- Identifications.
Thank you, welcome to
Mexico. Have a pleasant visit.
Gracias, gracias, yahoo! Ha, ha!
Here were are in sunny Mexico.
- Sarge, can I take a picture?
- You might as well.
It may be the last picture
taken of us while we're still alive.
What do you mean, Sarge?
With the schedule
I have mapped out,
we may die from sheer fun.
Ha, ha!
- Tasty, tasty.
- Wow, what a time!
I should never have
doubted you, Sarge.
You sure know those spots.
Gentlemen, I'm
just getting warm.
The last place I took you
to will be a public library
compared to what's coming up.
- Let's go!
But Sarge, I got
another tacos on the fire.
Doberman, will you stop
wasting money on food
and save it to throw
it at the dancing girls?
Dancing girls, where?
Pepito's Cave, the
hottest spot in Tijuana.
The first floor show starts at
8:00 o'clock in the morning.
Where'd you find
out about this, Sarge?
I read about it in
Mexico Confidential.
I got one of the few copies
that got through the mail.
- Well, let's go then!
- Let's go!
- Doberman, come on, will you?
- Will you?
But my stomach is empty.
Gentlemen, if we
wait till he fills that,
our hitch'll be over.
Look, meet us at Pepito's
Cave on Durango Street.
Come amigos, fun and
festivity in the air. Yahoo!
- Back entrance, she is covered?
- Yeah, Gonzales is there.
Business is very good
in Pepito's tonight.
The cash registers
should be very full.
We have been too good to Pepito.
We haven't held him
up for the last 2 months.
Now is the time. Follow me.
Ah, gentlemen, here
we are, Pepito's Cave.
Did you hear that screaming?
Yeah, the floor show must be on.
Let me warn you,
gentlemen, do not be surprised
at anything you see in Pepito's.
Yahoo!
Hey, Sarge, what's goin' on?
Everybody's got their hands up.
It's a Mexican
dance, don't you see?
Where's the music?
They don't need music.
It's all in the fingers.
Well, let's get over to the bar.
Ah, that must be Pepito.
Oh, Pepito, I see you're loaded.
Well, you'll be happy to
know we're loaded too.
I am very happy, senor.
Please empty your pockets.
- Hey, Sarge, it's a stick up!
- That is right, senor.
Oh, well, we're just
American tourists.
We won't disturb
you, hasta manana.
You are not going
nowhere, senor.
Well, you don't understand.
See, we are Americans.
Mexicans stay here.
Yankee go home!
I'll take your money.
Have you got any honey?
He wants some honey!
Money, senor!
Oh money, well, you should
speak a little more clearer, senor.
Money, there you are.
Well, hasn't this been exciting?
We've seen a legitimate hold up.
Well, hasta la vista.
(Spanish).
Whadda ya think he said, Sarge?
Something about
American soldiers.
I think they realized
this has gone too far.
You can't monkey with
the United States Army.
(Spanish)
I think they're gonna apologize
and give us our money back.
They were only kidding.
(Spanish)
- Senor?
- Yes.
- Take off your clothes.
- My clothes?
Take them off, senor.
Maybe he thinks
we're in the floor show.
Well, I don't think you
want our clothes, senor.
After all, yours has so much
more dash, so much more flare.
I always say when it
comes to wearing a gun belt,
give me a Mexican
bandit every time...
Your clothes, senor.
Well, wait a minute, what
about the Geneva Conference?
In 10 seconds, there'll be
a nice little pile on the floor.
Which will it be,
your clothes or you?
- Whadda we do, Sarge?
- Whadda we do?
When we get back to camp,
we'll put in for a new outfit.
That's what we'll do.
Thank you for your
clothes, senores.
We'll be on our way now.
Wait a minute, you
can't leave us like this.
Shut up, you want him
to take our underwear?
There's another soldier coming.
(Spanish)
Oh boy, another
soldier. Maybe it's help!
Sure, help for the bandits.
Jerk, it's Doberman.
He's walking
right into the trap.
Hey, Sarge, I've got a plan.
When Doberman walks
in, I give him a high sign,
you start a commotion,
Zimmerman makes for the door,
they rush after him
then Doberman goes out
to call the police and then...
- Forget it!
- Why?
Doberman is about to
join the merry nudists.
Would it be all right if
I just checked my cap?
Everything, senor.
The little fat one's uniform
will be a perfect
fit for our chief!
Yeah, El Muchacho
will be very pleased!
Sarge, Sarge.
What?
I've got an ice pick.
Slip it to me.
You're gonna give it to him?
No, to you, right
through the heart.
What you wanna
do, get me murdered?
Once again, senores, thank
you very much for the uniforms.
Adios, amigos.
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
Look what we got, uniforms
from the American soldiers.
Perfect disguises
for robbing the banks.
Bueno, come! We ride!
Police! Police! Police!
Shut up, don't yell for
police, yell for a tailor!
How are we gonna get back
across the border like this?
No money, no papers, no clothes!
- And our 3 day pass is up.
- Hey, Sarge, I got an idea.
Why don't we find a pawn shop,
hock our underwear
and buy bus tickets?
Hock our underwear,
Where's that ice pick?
Very sorry, this
happened in my club.
Here's some clothes, I found
them in the dressing room.
Thank you, Pepito.
Hey, Sarge, how do
you get into these?
How do I know? What
am I Cesar Romero?
Get dressed!
Identification please, a birth
certificate or passport'll do.
Here you are, Sir.
This is only yours.
I'll have to have your
wife's identification too.
Boy, you fellas sure make it
tough for us to get back home.
Sorry, just regulations.
They're very strict these days.
All right, come on
boys, in a few minutes
we'll be across the border.
I hope so, this sash is
cuttin' off my circulation.
Aha, ha! There it
is, Viva America!
Just a minute, senor.
You'll need identification
if you're gonna visit
the United States,
su identificación.
Isn't this amusing? He
thinks we're Mexicans.
It's all right, Mac,
we're American soldiers.
Not in those
outfits, you're not.
Where's your
identification papers?
Isn't it great? No
wonder Americans
can sleep peacefully at night.
People like you
guarding the border,
you're doing a good job, pal.
Just a minute,
Pancho, your papers!
Well, I wanted to spare
you the sordid details
but here's what happened,
you see we're American soldiers
on leave and we were in Tijuana,
and got in this difficulty at
this museum we were visiting.
What was the name
of that museum?
Pepito's Cave.
That was the name of the
painting we were going to buy.
Well, anyway on our
way out of the museum.
I know, Mexican
bandits held you up
and took your identification
and your uniforms.
Is that what you
were gonna tell me?
Not anymore, it isn't.
Look, senor I know how badly
you want to get into
the United States.
But you'll just have to come in
under the next
quota in 3 or 4 years.
Wait up, hold it, will you?
What am I gonna do to
convince you we're Americans?
Mickey Mantle, Frozen T.V.
Dinners, Hula Hoops, Marilyn Monroe,
Disney Land, Rock and Roll.
Tell him, what's your
favorite orchestra?
Xavier Cugat.
It's Lawrence Welk, isn't it?
No, it's Xavier Cugat,
did you ever hear him play,
- La Cucaracha?
- I don't know him.
Never mind him. We're
Americans, let us in.
It won't work.
Now, go on back
where you came from.
Whadda we do now, Sarge?
Swim around and try to
get in through Canada?
We'll just have to wait till dawn
when the new shift comes on.
Look, we're in these
outfits? Here's what we'll do.
Just a minute,
identification please.
No comprende.
He's all right, senor, we are
those great international favorites,
Pupi Bilko and
his Flamenco Four.
- Si.
- We show you.
We go.
If I could just have
your papers, senor.
Pupi, el afficiando
requestamente la papers.
La papers? Pupi no papers.
- Pepe?
- Si.
- Papers?
- No.
- Papa?
- Si.
- Papers?
- No.
Pupi no papers, Pepe no
papers, Papa no papers.
Well, I gotta have papers.
Look, let me explain, bud..we..
Oh, excuse him please,
we have very important
television engagement in
your country Sunday night.
Sunday night, si. We
go to Edwardo Sullivano.
- Si, si.
- Si, is, CBS, si.
Look, I'm sorry but you still
need identification papers.
Look, senor, we, Flamenco
will go to Ed Sullivano
to give that Mucho
Trendex rating.
- See, Steve Allen, Finito!
- I'm sorry.
Gringo, me, me very good
friend Senor Wensek, ah?
All right? All right, we go.
I'm sorry, Pupi. I
can't let you through.
Look, I'm gonna level with
you, we're 4 American soldiers.
We were on leave, we got
into a little trouble in Tijuana.
If we don't get back,
we're gonna be AWOL.
Pupi, take it up with
the United Nations.
For now get away
from this station.
Sure, I suppose
if I was Abby Lane
we could come and
go as we please.
Come on, go.
Well, Sarge, maybe we
should learn to speak Spanish
and settle down.
- Psst! Senor.
- Knock it off, kid.
We don't want any
picture postcards.
You would like to get
across the border, senor?
Sure, what you
got, your own gate?
Not exactly, senor,
but I can get you across.
Yeah, how much
is it gonna cost us?
Nothing now, senor.
You will pay me when I
get you across the border.
Well, you can't beat the rates.
It's smuggle now and
pay later, come on!
Wait, first we will have to
get you some different clothes.
Again? All we do
is change clothes.
Go figure Mexico. It's
one big dressing room.
Come on!
North Gate.
What?
4 American soldiers
robbed a bank in Tijuana?
What? They were just here.
Hey you guys, come back here.
Stop! Stop!
- Your name?
- Juan Lopez.
All right, Lopez,
make mark in the book.
Get into the truck and lie down.
Next.
- We're in Mexican pyjamas.
- I think they look rather chic.
I look better in my underwear.
Whadda ya think
the deal is, Sarge?
The clothes, the moustaches?
Some cheap movie outfit
making a picture, you know quickie.
They hire extras this way
instead of hiring union actors.
- They save money.
- Oh boy, a movie!
I wonder when the
picture'll be released.
About the same time
we are, if they catch us.
Make mark in the book
and get into the truck.
Oh, the truck, is that how we
get across the border? In a truck?
- Only until Rio Grande.
- Hey, we're going in class.
Look, what happens when
we get to the Rio Grande?
Then how do we get across?
With your arms, with
your legs, you swim.
We swim?
Maybe it's an Esther
Williams picture.
Shut up! We're not extras.
- We're wet backs.
- Get in the truck.
Now, just a minute.
Once we get off, and we dry
off, we're in California, right?
- No, no, in Arizona.
- Oh, that's not too bad.
Once we get there, we hitch a
ride and get back to the camp.
Yes, in a couple of months after
we get through picking melons.
Melons? What melons?
Water melons, casaba melons,
honey dew melons, melons!
Hold it, just a minute.
Look, we're not melon
pickers, we're tourists.
Oh, then you have enough money
to pay for your trip
across the border?
- We're melon pickers.
- Some guided tour.
20 bucks to spend 2
months picking fruit cocktails.
You think I'm stupid or
something? Once we get across
we make a break for it and we
hitchhike a ride back to the camp.
And if you're thinking of
running away, amigos, forget it.
Every night we
chain you to the truck.
Sarge, what are we gonna do?
Maybe we can stuff a
message into a melon
and hope the Colonel
gets it for breakfast.
Look, if the swimming don't get
ya and the picking don't get ya,
I'll get ya!
- Get into the truck.
- Come on!
Everybody stay where
you are. You're under arrest.
Oh, thank heavens
you came, Officer.
You see, we're 4
American soldiers.
This man was smuggling
us across the border.
I see. Let me have your papers.
Papers? Pupi no papers, Papa
no papers, Pepe no papers.
- Get in the truck!
- Truck!
Everybody's got a truck.
Well, this is the
last stop on the tour.
I'd rather be picking melons.
Hey, Sarge, look, a spoon.
Maybe we can dig
our way out of here.
Forget it, by the time
we dig a hole big enough
to get Doberman
through, our time will be up.
There's gotta be
a way outta here.
- I'm hungry.
- Do me a favour, eat the bars.
I'm hungry too, Sarge.
When do they serve
the food around here?
Food! Food! Food!
In a minute. I am busy.
Ah, El Muchacho, what I
would give to capture you.
Food! Food! Food!
Coming! Coming!
Food! Food! Food! Food!
All right, all right,
here's your food.
- It's about time, pal.
- What's for dinner tonight?
- Tacos.
- Tacos! I love tacos!
- What's the matter with you?
- Him! Him!
Oh, relax, I did the same
thing the first time I saw him.
- Ah, that's El Muchacho!
- Oh, our supper is ruined!
Hey jailer! How about
eating out tonight?
- What are you doing?
- I'm eating a taco.
Well of course.
Half a million pesos.
Hey, that bank at Tijuana
treats bandits very nice,
don't you think?
Yeah, and right now
all the Mexican police
is looking for 4
American soldiers.
Hey, compadre, why we
don't divide up the money now?
No, not until El Muchacho comes.
His plan was for us to separate
and then come here
and divide the money.
Si, I wish he would come.
I don't like sitting
around here.
Ramon, Garcia.
I have just heard bad news, El
Muchacho has been captured.
What? Where is he?
In the jail in the village. I
knew this would happen.
El Muchacho take
too many chances.
Oh, what you worry about?
That jail she is like egg shell.
Tonight, we crack him open.
Come on, compadres, we
take off these soldier's uniforms.
Sleep! Sleep!
I'm tryin' to figure a
way to get out of here
and you're sleeping.
Will you shut up! How
can I think with you snoring?
- El Muchacho!
- Are you looking for someone?
El Muchacho, where is he?
Ain't nobody in here
but us wet backs.
I know he's here. El Muchacho!
What's the matter with you?
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
He's here, boys! He's here.
Will you beat it!
El Muchacho, go away as
far from this wall as you can.
- We get you out of here.
- Maybe he's not kidding, come on.
Get down here.
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
You are free! Come on!
Hey, hey, wait, what about us?
Now, who are they?
We are his friends, I'm
Pupi, that's Pepe, that's Papa.
Here we are, El Muchacho,
all together again.
Everything came off
just as you planned it!
We got the money and the police
are looking for
American soldiers!
Sarge, those are the
guys who stole our clothes.
Now they're stealing Doberman.
They're calling him El Muchacho.
Look, El Muchacho, I have
here for you a little souvenir.
You should be very insulted.
They offer only 100,000
pesos reward for you.
They think he's El Muchacho.
Well, El Muchacho, amigo,
eat, eat El Muchacho!
You don't have to
force him, you know.
I think so, I think he
was going to rob a bank
and you were just coming out.
Come, El Muchacho, let's go.
Now, wait a minute, where
are you going, El Muchacho?
Well, you see, when
we were in the jail,
El Muchacho promised I
would meet his sister, I can't wait.
You mean his twin
sister? The little fat one?
There's no accounting for
taste. Well, El Muchacho, we go.
No, no, El Muchacho
goes with you later.
But first we have
something to divide up eh?
- What?
- What?
What do you like the best
in the whole world, huh?
Tacos!
Come on, we divide our tacos!
I think we want
El Muchacho, we...
- No, you wait here.
- Yeah.
Sarge, what's gonna happen to us
when they find out
he's not El Muchacho?
Probably divide us up.
Maybe it's the police.
Doberman, where did
you get your uniform?
- Who are you, amigo?
- It's El Muchacho!
Who is it?
Oh, it's nothing, just the
El Fuller Brushero man.
Really, senor, we
don't need any brushero.
Open the door!
- What's going on here?
- El Muchacho!
But you are in the other
room counting our money.
Then who's sister am
I supposed to meet?
Wait, I remember now.
Si, you are the
soldiers whose uniforms
we robbed at Pepito's Cave.
Oh, we're not
gonna press charges.
If you'll just give us
back our uniforms...
- Get in the other room.
- Now listen...
Get in the other room! Move.
- What shall we do with them?
- Kill them!
Wait, El Muchacho,
I have a better plan.
We give them back their
uniforms and let them go.
- Why?
- Who are the police looking for?
The 4 American soldiers who
robbed the bank at Tijuana.
So we don't have
to get rid of them.
- Si.
- The police will do it for us.
Bueno!
El Muchacho, your
uniform, please.
Oh boy, I never thought
this would happen,
we got our uniforms, our papers.
And our lives!
I wonder why the bandits
were so nice to us?
Because they got
pretty nervous, pal,
the United States Army
will stand for just so much.
Why, John Foster Dulles would
have been on the next plane.
Well, Sir, we meet
for the last time.
We've got our uniforms
back, our papers.
Boys, say goodbye to Mexico.
Well, Sergeant, we've been
waiting for you to show up again.
Ah! What?
All right, boys
you're under arrest.
Under arrest? What for?
For robbing the Tijuana Bank.
Oh no, you got that wrong,
that was our uniforms
that robbed the bank.
We weren't in them at the time.
Save your story, you'll
have a lot of time to explain.
Now get in that truck!
Again with the truck,
everybody's got a truck.
Well, it's good
to be home again.
Well, at least our
landlord redid the wall.
Gee, I'm hungry.
Well, you're El Muchacho,
why don't you go
and rob a taco stand.
Hey, Sarge, you
think they'll shoot us?
Not the shooting
that's bothering me,
it's those rides
in the open trucks
that are starting to kill me.
Hey, soldiers, I have
good news for you.
Here it is, our last
meal. Good, I'm hungry!
We found out you
didn't rob the bank.
Oh fine, I was beginning
to believe we did.
We capture El Muchacho's gang.
They were caught
trying to pass the money.
- Hooray!
- When do we get outta here?
In a little while, as soon
as officials sign your papers.
Believe me, once
we get back to camp,
I'll never ask for another pass.
- Me neither.
- I'm with you.
- All right, bring them in.
- Bring who in?
3 of El Muchacho's
men and pretty soon
we capture El Muchacho himself.
You have to share this cell
with them for a little while.
Why with us? Put
'em in separate cells.
They're crooks.
We're the good guys!
In there! Come on, get in there!
We'll be letting you out
in a little while, soldiers.
Well, Mr. Bandit, the sombrero's
on the other head now, huh?
We're getting out and you're in.
That is life, senor.
Yeah, that's what
you'll get, life.
Let me take a
poke at him, Sarge.
You take him, let
me take the other 2.
No, no, no, let the wheels
of justice run over them.
Who is that? Oh, it's
El Muchacho for you.
- El Muchacho?
- Yeah.
Si.. si...
I suppose you
think El Muchacho's
gonna help you get out of here?
- Si.
- I see.
And you, you still
wanna take a poke at me?
No, but you can take
a poke at me if you like.
It was nice seeing
you fellas again.
Which wall is
going out this time?
No wall this time, senor.
We're gonna walk right out.
Excuse me, I don't
wanna contradict you,
but how are you gonna do
that? They're all waiting for you.
They've got guards
here and everything.
There's no way
to get out of here.
The only one they're
gonna let out is 4 soldiers.
They're coming for
us, they expect four...
Yeah, all right fellows,
start getting undressed.
I haven't changed this
much since I was a baby.
Throw the fat one's uniform
out the window to El Muchacho.
Senor, how can we thank you?
Just try to be a good soldier.
And remember, not
one word to the jailer.
Ok, American
soldiers, you are free.
Adios, Mac!
Hey, stop 'em, they're the
bandits, we're the soldiers.
Shut up, you crooks!
None of your sneaky tricks.
It's true, we are the
American soldiers.
El Muchacho! I
captured El Muchacho!
How did I do it?
Hey wait, will you... hey, he
left the door open, we're free!
Come on, we're free! Come on!
- We're not going, Sarge.
- We're staying here.
What are you nuts or
something? Come on!
Every time we get outside
we gotta take our clothes off.
Are you crazy?
Doberman, talk to them.
How do we know he
ain't El Muchacho?
Oh, come on! Out! Out! Out!
Let me get this straight,
you're the President of Mexico,
we're your cabinet,
there's been a revolution
we're asking the
United States to hide us.
- You got it?
- I've got it.
Well where you goin'?
The President is going
back to jail where it's safe.
Help, help, the palace has
burnt. We have no place to hide.
Which one of you
men is Sgt. Bilko?
I think it was Gen. Mendoza,
he was there with Carlos and...
Sgt. Bilko?
Yes, I've got an
authorization here to let
Bilko, Paparelli, Zimmerman
and Doberman through.
Wait a minute, that's us.
That means we can
go back there, right?
That's right, everything's
been straightened out.
El Muchacho and his
gang have been caught.
He has, let's go back
and get the reward money.
- Come on.
- Wait a minute, Sarge.
He's letting us through.
Let's go back there
where it's safe and sound.
- Yeah, let's Sarge.
- Yeah, let's go home.
You're right, let's go
back to the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Ok, you guys.
- You're under arrest.
- Under arrest for what?
Spending 7 days on a 3 day pass.
Pass? Pupi no pass.
Pepe no pass. Pepe
no pass, Papa no pass.
We've got no pass.
Cut the double talk,
buddy, and get in the truck.
Again with the truck.
Everywhere you
go, get in the truck!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Leon Belasco as Pedro.
Harold Huber, Carlos Montalban,
Leonardo Cimino
as the 3 bandits.
Bob Hastings as
the Customs Officer.
And Arnie Freeman as the jailer.
My group, please stay close
together until we're through
the Mexican Border Inspection.
Buenos dias, senor.
I am the travel agent from
the Wilson Guided Tours.
Buenas tardes, senor.
- How many in your party?
- 6, here's the list.
All right, will my little
group stay together?
We don't wanna get
separated, do we?
Who's going to leave
you? You got all our money.
May I point out as the leader
of this tour I'm responsible.
Paying you 25 bucks a
piece for 3 days in Mexico,
we must be nuts!
You're forgetting one
thing, for that paltry sum,
you're getting deluxe
hotel accommodations,
first-rate transportation
and an excellent guide.
No one knows more about
Old Mexico than Senor Bilko.
Some guide, he saw 2 Cisco
Kid pictures on the late show,
suddenly he's an authority.
All right, wise guy.
You find Leo Carillo's
house by yourself.
- Next, please.
- Oh, buenos vista, signor.
- You are all together?
- Yes, we're together.
How long do you
intend to stay in Mexico?
3 fun-filled days and nights.
What is your business in Mexico?
Gaiety and frivolity,
what about that?
- May I see your identification?
- Identifications.
Thank you, welcome to
Mexico. Have a pleasant visit.
Gracias, gracias, yahoo! Ha, ha!
Here were are in sunny Mexico.
- Sarge, can I take a picture?
- You might as well.
It may be the last picture
taken of us while we're still alive.
What do you mean, Sarge?
With the schedule
I have mapped out,
we may die from sheer fun.
Ha, ha!
- Tasty, tasty.
- Wow, what a time!
I should never have
doubted you, Sarge.
You sure know those spots.
Gentlemen, I'm
just getting warm.
The last place I took you
to will be a public library
compared to what's coming up.
- Let's go!
But Sarge, I got
another tacos on the fire.
Doberman, will you stop
wasting money on food
and save it to throw
it at the dancing girls?
Dancing girls, where?
Pepito's Cave, the
hottest spot in Tijuana.
The first floor show starts at
8:00 o'clock in the morning.
Where'd you find
out about this, Sarge?
I read about it in
Mexico Confidential.
I got one of the few copies
that got through the mail.
- Well, let's go then!
- Let's go!
- Doberman, come on, will you?
- Will you?
But my stomach is empty.
Gentlemen, if we
wait till he fills that,
our hitch'll be over.
Look, meet us at Pepito's
Cave on Durango Street.
Come amigos, fun and
festivity in the air. Yahoo!
- Back entrance, she is covered?
- Yeah, Gonzales is there.
Business is very good
in Pepito's tonight.
The cash registers
should be very full.
We have been too good to Pepito.
We haven't held him
up for the last 2 months.
Now is the time. Follow me.
Ah, gentlemen, here
we are, Pepito's Cave.
Did you hear that screaming?
Yeah, the floor show must be on.
Let me warn you,
gentlemen, do not be surprised
at anything you see in Pepito's.
Yahoo!
Hey, Sarge, what's goin' on?
Everybody's got their hands up.
It's a Mexican
dance, don't you see?
Where's the music?
They don't need music.
It's all in the fingers.
Well, let's get over to the bar.
Ah, that must be Pepito.
Oh, Pepito, I see you're loaded.
Well, you'll be happy to
know we're loaded too.
I am very happy, senor.
Please empty your pockets.
- Hey, Sarge, it's a stick up!
- That is right, senor.
Oh, well, we're just
American tourists.
We won't disturb
you, hasta manana.
You are not going
nowhere, senor.
Well, you don't understand.
See, we are Americans.
Mexicans stay here.
Yankee go home!
I'll take your money.
Have you got any honey?
He wants some honey!
Money, senor!
Oh money, well, you should
speak a little more clearer, senor.
Money, there you are.
Well, hasn't this been exciting?
We've seen a legitimate hold up.
Well, hasta la vista.
(Spanish).
Whadda ya think he said, Sarge?
Something about
American soldiers.
I think they realized
this has gone too far.
You can't monkey with
the United States Army.
(Spanish)
I think they're gonna apologize
and give us our money back.
They were only kidding.
(Spanish)
- Senor?
- Yes.
- Take off your clothes.
- My clothes?
Take them off, senor.
Maybe he thinks
we're in the floor show.
Well, I don't think you
want our clothes, senor.
After all, yours has so much
more dash, so much more flare.
I always say when it
comes to wearing a gun belt,
give me a Mexican
bandit every time...
Your clothes, senor.
Well, wait a minute, what
about the Geneva Conference?
In 10 seconds, there'll be
a nice little pile on the floor.
Which will it be,
your clothes or you?
- Whadda we do, Sarge?
- Whadda we do?
When we get back to camp,
we'll put in for a new outfit.
That's what we'll do.
Thank you for your
clothes, senores.
We'll be on our way now.
Wait a minute, you
can't leave us like this.
Shut up, you want him
to take our underwear?
There's another soldier coming.
(Spanish)
Oh boy, another
soldier. Maybe it's help!
Sure, help for the bandits.
Jerk, it's Doberman.
He's walking
right into the trap.
Hey, Sarge, I've got a plan.
When Doberman walks
in, I give him a high sign,
you start a commotion,
Zimmerman makes for the door,
they rush after him
then Doberman goes out
to call the police and then...
- Forget it!
- Why?
Doberman is about to
join the merry nudists.
Would it be all right if
I just checked my cap?
Everything, senor.
The little fat one's uniform
will be a perfect
fit for our chief!
Yeah, El Muchacho
will be very pleased!
Sarge, Sarge.
What?
I've got an ice pick.
Slip it to me.
You're gonna give it to him?
No, to you, right
through the heart.
What you wanna
do, get me murdered?
Once again, senores, thank
you very much for the uniforms.
Adios, amigos.
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
Look what we got, uniforms
from the American soldiers.
Perfect disguises
for robbing the banks.
Bueno, come! We ride!
Police! Police! Police!
Shut up, don't yell for
police, yell for a tailor!
How are we gonna get back
across the border like this?
No money, no papers, no clothes!
- And our 3 day pass is up.
- Hey, Sarge, I got an idea.
Why don't we find a pawn shop,
hock our underwear
and buy bus tickets?
Hock our underwear,
Where's that ice pick?
Very sorry, this
happened in my club.
Here's some clothes, I found
them in the dressing room.
Thank you, Pepito.
Hey, Sarge, how do
you get into these?
How do I know? What
am I Cesar Romero?
Get dressed!
Identification please, a birth
certificate or passport'll do.
Here you are, Sir.
This is only yours.
I'll have to have your
wife's identification too.
Boy, you fellas sure make it
tough for us to get back home.
Sorry, just regulations.
They're very strict these days.
All right, come on
boys, in a few minutes
we'll be across the border.
I hope so, this sash is
cuttin' off my circulation.
Aha, ha! There it
is, Viva America!
Just a minute, senor.
You'll need identification
if you're gonna visit
the United States,
su identificación.
Isn't this amusing? He
thinks we're Mexicans.
It's all right, Mac,
we're American soldiers.
Not in those
outfits, you're not.
Where's your
identification papers?
Isn't it great? No
wonder Americans
can sleep peacefully at night.
People like you
guarding the border,
you're doing a good job, pal.
Just a minute,
Pancho, your papers!
Well, I wanted to spare
you the sordid details
but here's what happened,
you see we're American soldiers
on leave and we were in Tijuana,
and got in this difficulty at
this museum we were visiting.
What was the name
of that museum?
Pepito's Cave.
That was the name of the
painting we were going to buy.
Well, anyway on our
way out of the museum.
I know, Mexican
bandits held you up
and took your identification
and your uniforms.
Is that what you
were gonna tell me?
Not anymore, it isn't.
Look, senor I know how badly
you want to get into
the United States.
But you'll just have to come in
under the next
quota in 3 or 4 years.
Wait up, hold it, will you?
What am I gonna do to
convince you we're Americans?
Mickey Mantle, Frozen T.V.
Dinners, Hula Hoops, Marilyn Monroe,
Disney Land, Rock and Roll.
Tell him, what's your
favorite orchestra?
Xavier Cugat.
It's Lawrence Welk, isn't it?
No, it's Xavier Cugat,
did you ever hear him play,
- La Cucaracha?
- I don't know him.
Never mind him. We're
Americans, let us in.
It won't work.
Now, go on back
where you came from.
Whadda we do now, Sarge?
Swim around and try to
get in through Canada?
We'll just have to wait till dawn
when the new shift comes on.
Look, we're in these
outfits? Here's what we'll do.
Just a minute,
identification please.
No comprende.
He's all right, senor, we are
those great international favorites,
Pupi Bilko and
his Flamenco Four.
- Si.
- We show you.
We go.
If I could just have
your papers, senor.
Pupi, el afficiando
requestamente la papers.
La papers? Pupi no papers.
- Pepe?
- Si.
- Papers?
- No.
- Papa?
- Si.
- Papers?
- No.
Pupi no papers, Pepe no
papers, Papa no papers.
Well, I gotta have papers.
Look, let me explain, bud..we..
Oh, excuse him please,
we have very important
television engagement in
your country Sunday night.
Sunday night, si. We
go to Edwardo Sullivano.
- Si, si.
- Si, is, CBS, si.
Look, I'm sorry but you still
need identification papers.
Look, senor, we, Flamenco
will go to Ed Sullivano
to give that Mucho
Trendex rating.
- See, Steve Allen, Finito!
- I'm sorry.
Gringo, me, me very good
friend Senor Wensek, ah?
All right? All right, we go.
I'm sorry, Pupi. I
can't let you through.
Look, I'm gonna level with
you, we're 4 American soldiers.
We were on leave, we got
into a little trouble in Tijuana.
If we don't get back,
we're gonna be AWOL.
Pupi, take it up with
the United Nations.
For now get away
from this station.
Sure, I suppose
if I was Abby Lane
we could come and
go as we please.
Come on, go.
Well, Sarge, maybe we
should learn to speak Spanish
and settle down.
- Psst! Senor.
- Knock it off, kid.
We don't want any
picture postcards.
You would like to get
across the border, senor?
Sure, what you
got, your own gate?
Not exactly, senor,
but I can get you across.
Yeah, how much
is it gonna cost us?
Nothing now, senor.
You will pay me when I
get you across the border.
Well, you can't beat the rates.
It's smuggle now and
pay later, come on!
Wait, first we will have to
get you some different clothes.
Again? All we do
is change clothes.
Go figure Mexico. It's
one big dressing room.
Come on!
North Gate.
What?
4 American soldiers
robbed a bank in Tijuana?
What? They were just here.
Hey you guys, come back here.
Stop! Stop!
- Your name?
- Juan Lopez.
All right, Lopez,
make mark in the book.
Get into the truck and lie down.
Next.
- We're in Mexican pyjamas.
- I think they look rather chic.
I look better in my underwear.
Whadda ya think
the deal is, Sarge?
The clothes, the moustaches?
Some cheap movie outfit
making a picture, you know quickie.
They hire extras this way
instead of hiring union actors.
- They save money.
- Oh boy, a movie!
I wonder when the
picture'll be released.
About the same time
we are, if they catch us.
Make mark in the book
and get into the truck.
Oh, the truck, is that how we
get across the border? In a truck?
- Only until Rio Grande.
- Hey, we're going in class.
Look, what happens when
we get to the Rio Grande?
Then how do we get across?
With your arms, with
your legs, you swim.
We swim?
Maybe it's an Esther
Williams picture.
Shut up! We're not extras.
- We're wet backs.
- Get in the truck.
Now, just a minute.
Once we get off, and we dry
off, we're in California, right?
- No, no, in Arizona.
- Oh, that's not too bad.
Once we get there, we hitch a
ride and get back to the camp.
Yes, in a couple of months after
we get through picking melons.
Melons? What melons?
Water melons, casaba melons,
honey dew melons, melons!
Hold it, just a minute.
Look, we're not melon
pickers, we're tourists.
Oh, then you have enough money
to pay for your trip
across the border?
- We're melon pickers.
- Some guided tour.
20 bucks to spend 2
months picking fruit cocktails.
You think I'm stupid or
something? Once we get across
we make a break for it and we
hitchhike a ride back to the camp.
And if you're thinking of
running away, amigos, forget it.
Every night we
chain you to the truck.
Sarge, what are we gonna do?
Maybe we can stuff a
message into a melon
and hope the Colonel
gets it for breakfast.
Look, if the swimming don't get
ya and the picking don't get ya,
I'll get ya!
- Get into the truck.
- Come on!
Everybody stay where
you are. You're under arrest.
Oh, thank heavens
you came, Officer.
You see, we're 4
American soldiers.
This man was smuggling
us across the border.
I see. Let me have your papers.
Papers? Pupi no papers, Papa
no papers, Pepe no papers.
- Get in the truck!
- Truck!
Everybody's got a truck.
Well, this is the
last stop on the tour.
I'd rather be picking melons.
Hey, Sarge, look, a spoon.
Maybe we can dig
our way out of here.
Forget it, by the time
we dig a hole big enough
to get Doberman
through, our time will be up.
There's gotta be
a way outta here.
- I'm hungry.
- Do me a favour, eat the bars.
I'm hungry too, Sarge.
When do they serve
the food around here?
Food! Food! Food!
In a minute. I am busy.
Ah, El Muchacho, what I
would give to capture you.
Food! Food! Food!
Coming! Coming!
Food! Food! Food! Food!
All right, all right,
here's your food.
- It's about time, pal.
- What's for dinner tonight?
- Tacos.
- Tacos! I love tacos!
- What's the matter with you?
- Him! Him!
Oh, relax, I did the same
thing the first time I saw him.
- Ah, that's El Muchacho!
- Oh, our supper is ruined!
Hey jailer! How about
eating out tonight?
- What are you doing?
- I'm eating a taco.
Well of course.
Half a million pesos.
Hey, that bank at Tijuana
treats bandits very nice,
don't you think?
Yeah, and right now
all the Mexican police
is looking for 4
American soldiers.
Hey, compadre, why we
don't divide up the money now?
No, not until El Muchacho comes.
His plan was for us to separate
and then come here
and divide the money.
Si, I wish he would come.
I don't like sitting
around here.
Ramon, Garcia.
I have just heard bad news, El
Muchacho has been captured.
What? Where is he?
In the jail in the village. I
knew this would happen.
El Muchacho take
too many chances.
Oh, what you worry about?
That jail she is like egg shell.
Tonight, we crack him open.
Come on, compadres, we
take off these soldier's uniforms.
Sleep! Sleep!
I'm tryin' to figure a
way to get out of here
and you're sleeping.
Will you shut up! How
can I think with you snoring?
- El Muchacho!
- Are you looking for someone?
El Muchacho, where is he?
Ain't nobody in here
but us wet backs.
I know he's here. El Muchacho!
What's the matter with you?
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
He's here, boys! He's here.
Will you beat it!
El Muchacho, go away as
far from this wall as you can.
- We get you out of here.
- Maybe he's not kidding, come on.
Get down here.
El Muchacho! El Muchacho!
You are free! Come on!
Hey, hey, wait, what about us?
Now, who are they?
We are his friends, I'm
Pupi, that's Pepe, that's Papa.
Here we are, El Muchacho,
all together again.
Everything came off
just as you planned it!
We got the money and the police
are looking for
American soldiers!
Sarge, those are the
guys who stole our clothes.
Now they're stealing Doberman.
They're calling him El Muchacho.
Look, El Muchacho, I have
here for you a little souvenir.
You should be very insulted.
They offer only 100,000
pesos reward for you.
They think he's El Muchacho.
Well, El Muchacho, amigo,
eat, eat El Muchacho!
You don't have to
force him, you know.
I think so, I think he
was going to rob a bank
and you were just coming out.
Come, El Muchacho, let's go.
Now, wait a minute, where
are you going, El Muchacho?
Well, you see, when
we were in the jail,
El Muchacho promised I
would meet his sister, I can't wait.
You mean his twin
sister? The little fat one?
There's no accounting for
taste. Well, El Muchacho, we go.
No, no, El Muchacho
goes with you later.
But first we have
something to divide up eh?
- What?
- What?
What do you like the best
in the whole world, huh?
Tacos!
Come on, we divide our tacos!
I think we want
El Muchacho, we...
- No, you wait here.
- Yeah.
Sarge, what's gonna happen to us
when they find out
he's not El Muchacho?
Probably divide us up.
Maybe it's the police.
Doberman, where did
you get your uniform?
- Who are you, amigo?
- It's El Muchacho!
Who is it?
Oh, it's nothing, just the
El Fuller Brushero man.
Really, senor, we
don't need any brushero.
Open the door!
- What's going on here?
- El Muchacho!
But you are in the other
room counting our money.
Then who's sister am
I supposed to meet?
Wait, I remember now.
Si, you are the
soldiers whose uniforms
we robbed at Pepito's Cave.
Oh, we're not
gonna press charges.
If you'll just give us
back our uniforms...
- Get in the other room.
- Now listen...
Get in the other room! Move.
- What shall we do with them?
- Kill them!
Wait, El Muchacho,
I have a better plan.
We give them back their
uniforms and let them go.
- Why?
- Who are the police looking for?
The 4 American soldiers who
robbed the bank at Tijuana.
So we don't have
to get rid of them.
- Si.
- The police will do it for us.
Bueno!
El Muchacho, your
uniform, please.
Oh boy, I never thought
this would happen,
we got our uniforms, our papers.
And our lives!
I wonder why the bandits
were so nice to us?
Because they got
pretty nervous, pal,
the United States Army
will stand for just so much.
Why, John Foster Dulles would
have been on the next plane.
Well, Sir, we meet
for the last time.
We've got our uniforms
back, our papers.
Boys, say goodbye to Mexico.
Well, Sergeant, we've been
waiting for you to show up again.
Ah! What?
All right, boys
you're under arrest.
Under arrest? What for?
For robbing the Tijuana Bank.
Oh no, you got that wrong,
that was our uniforms
that robbed the bank.
We weren't in them at the time.
Save your story, you'll
have a lot of time to explain.
Now get in that truck!
Again with the truck,
everybody's got a truck.
Well, it's good
to be home again.
Well, at least our
landlord redid the wall.
Gee, I'm hungry.
Well, you're El Muchacho,
why don't you go
and rob a taco stand.
Hey, Sarge, you
think they'll shoot us?
Not the shooting
that's bothering me,
it's those rides
in the open trucks
that are starting to kill me.
Hey, soldiers, I have
good news for you.
Here it is, our last
meal. Good, I'm hungry!
We found out you
didn't rob the bank.
Oh fine, I was beginning
to believe we did.
We capture El Muchacho's gang.
They were caught
trying to pass the money.
- Hooray!
- When do we get outta here?
In a little while, as soon
as officials sign your papers.
Believe me, once
we get back to camp,
I'll never ask for another pass.
- Me neither.
- I'm with you.
- All right, bring them in.
- Bring who in?
3 of El Muchacho's
men and pretty soon
we capture El Muchacho himself.
You have to share this cell
with them for a little while.
Why with us? Put
'em in separate cells.
They're crooks.
We're the good guys!
In there! Come on, get in there!
We'll be letting you out
in a little while, soldiers.
Well, Mr. Bandit, the sombrero's
on the other head now, huh?
We're getting out and you're in.
That is life, senor.
Yeah, that's what
you'll get, life.
Let me take a
poke at him, Sarge.
You take him, let
me take the other 2.
No, no, no, let the wheels
of justice run over them.
Who is that? Oh, it's
El Muchacho for you.
- El Muchacho?
- Yeah.
Si.. si...
I suppose you
think El Muchacho's
gonna help you get out of here?
- Si.
- I see.
And you, you still
wanna take a poke at me?
No, but you can take
a poke at me if you like.
It was nice seeing
you fellas again.
Which wall is
going out this time?
No wall this time, senor.
We're gonna walk right out.
Excuse me, I don't
wanna contradict you,
but how are you gonna do
that? They're all waiting for you.
They've got guards
here and everything.
There's no way
to get out of here.
The only one they're
gonna let out is 4 soldiers.
They're coming for
us, they expect four...
Yeah, all right fellows,
start getting undressed.
I haven't changed this
much since I was a baby.
Throw the fat one's uniform
out the window to El Muchacho.
Senor, how can we thank you?
Just try to be a good soldier.
And remember, not
one word to the jailer.
Ok, American
soldiers, you are free.
Adios, Mac!
Hey, stop 'em, they're the
bandits, we're the soldiers.
Shut up, you crooks!
None of your sneaky tricks.
It's true, we are the
American soldiers.
El Muchacho! I
captured El Muchacho!
How did I do it?
Hey wait, will you... hey, he
left the door open, we're free!
Come on, we're free! Come on!
- We're not going, Sarge.
- We're staying here.
What are you nuts or
something? Come on!
Every time we get outside
we gotta take our clothes off.
Are you crazy?
Doberman, talk to them.
How do we know he
ain't El Muchacho?
Oh, come on! Out! Out! Out!
Let me get this straight,
you're the President of Mexico,
we're your cabinet,
there's been a revolution
we're asking the
United States to hide us.
- You got it?
- I've got it.
Well where you goin'?
The President is going
back to jail where it's safe.
Help, help, the palace has
burnt. We have no place to hide.
Which one of you
men is Sgt. Bilko?
I think it was Gen. Mendoza,
he was there with Carlos and...
Sgt. Bilko?
Yes, I've got an
authorization here to let
Bilko, Paparelli, Zimmerman
and Doberman through.
Wait a minute, that's us.
That means we can
go back there, right?
That's right, everything's
been straightened out.
El Muchacho and his
gang have been caught.
He has, let's go back
and get the reward money.
- Come on.
- Wait a minute, Sarge.
He's letting us through.
Let's go back there
where it's safe and sound.
- Yeah, let's Sarge.
- Yeah, let's go home.
You're right, let's go
back to the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Ok, you guys.
- You're under arrest.
- Under arrest for what?
Spending 7 days on a 3 day pass.
Pass? Pupi no pass.
Pepe no pass. Pepe
no pass, Papa no pass.
We've got no pass.
Cut the double talk,
buddy, and get in the truck.
Again with the truck.
Everywhere you
go, get in the truck!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Leon Belasco as Pedro.
Harold Huber, Carlos Montalban,
Leonardo Cimino
as the 3 bandits.
Bob Hastings as
the Customs Officer.
And Arnie Freeman as the jailer.