The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 2 - Bilko's Vampire - full transcript

Ritzik leaves Bilko's poker sessions early to watch his favorite horror movies. Bilko convinces Ritzik that he's a vampire. Hollywood are looking for a new horror movie star, Bilko tries to convince them he has just the man for the job.

(barking orders)

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Hey, Sarge, I
brought the coffee.

- Sshh!
- Will you, Greenwald, will you?

All right, Rupert,
what have you got?

- 2 pairs, Kings up.
- Hold that, 3 Queens.

Oh, I can't win.

Don't worry, Rupert,
you can't win 'em all.

That's right, Bilko, I won
a hand just 2 months ago.

Come on, Ritzik, you're
holding up the game.

Here we go.



Ooh, Ooh, Francis, do
you know what time it is?

Holy mackerel, it's
almost 11:00 o'clock.

We've gotta get out of here.

Wait a minute, where
are you guys going?

- We've got a date.
- A date?

The game is just
getting exciting.

There's plenty of excitement
where we're going, huh Francis?

- You're not kidding, come on.
- Wait a minute.

This is the 3rd game you've
broken up at 11:00 o'clock.

Now where are you guys going?

- Should we tell him, Francis?
- Ah, he wouldn't understand.

- You wouldn't understand.
- Ah, so long, so long, boys.

Well, I guess that's
about it for tonight.

Wait a minute, how
about a little pinochle,



spit in the ocean, lift
the bunk. Come on!

And there's another
evening shot.

How did we do?

- I figure about 4 bucks, Ernie.
- Chicken feed.

I'm telling you, that Grover
and Ritzik are up to something,

- but what? Well, it's
no big secret, Ernie.

You heard what Rupert said.

- They have a date.
- That's right, Ernie.

- A date?
- I feel sorry for Emma, poor woman.

- That Ritzik is a louse.
- It's wrong, huh, Sarge?

Ah, some married man
sneaking off every night,

spending his hard earned
money on some strange woman,

when he should be
losing it to an old buddy.

- Are you talking about Emma?
- Emma?

Who's talking about her?

If we blow a steady loser like
Ritzik, we're out of business.

- Emma?
- Forgive me, Ernie.

I forgot how deeply
you feel about money.

Sarge, I got an idea, why
don't you go up to Ritzik

and say if you don't
give up this romance

and come back to the poker game,

you're gonna tell everything
to Emma and ruin his life?

Rocco, that is the most
underhanded idea I ever heard of.

- I'm ashamed.
- Well, I was...

I'm ashamed that
I didn't think of it.

Good boy!

It's exactly 11:00 o'clock.

What do you say?

All right, I'll do it.

But don't leave me
alone for a minute.

Good evening and welcome
once again to Shriek Theater.

(screams)

Our picture is entitled
"Graveyard Confidential."

Ooh, Ooh, Francis, I'm
afraid to look at this picture.

- I'm gonna get scared.
- How do you know?

I've seen it twice already.

Who's that chick walking
through the graveyard?

Chick? That girl happens
to be 600 years old.

She don't look it.

They must be using
a heavy makeup.

Yeah, hey, you see
that wolfhound with her?

- Yeah.
- That's her brother.

Her brother? They
sure don't look alike.

Yeah, just wait till she smiles.

Look, they're after
that poor peasant.

Rupert Ritzik, if
I told you once,

I've told you a thousand times.

Stop watching
these idiotic pictures.

Hey, don't turn that off. It's
just starting to get exciting.

Oh, is it? That's just too bad.

What will the
neighbors think when

they hear shrieks and yells
coming out of this house?

Do you want them to think we're

having a fight,
you stupid idiot?

Don't worry, Francis.

She'll be through in
about 3 or 4 hours.

I would like you to tell me
something just once and

for all, why would you
rather watch a stupid movie

instead of spending a few
hours with your own wife?

Well, I'll tell you why,
because in this picture,

the heroine is a woman
who looks just like you.

Then what do you have to look at

her for when you can look at me?

Because in the picture,
the woman gets buried alive.

Oh, that does it!
I'm through with this!

I think I'll be running along.

Oh no, no, don't
go yet, Francis.

I think I better, I'm tired.

Besides, I wanna get out of
here before the M.P.s come.

- All right!
- Look, what you did!

You embarrassed
me in front of my friend.

I won't have you
watching Shriek Theater

in this house anymore.

Do you understand that?

You have more
feelings for that vampire

than you do for your own wife.

Emma, you're 100% right.

Oh, I am? Good, then I'll just
tell the whole neighborhood.

Listen, everybody, my
husband is in love with a vampire.

Do you hear that? He's
crazy about a vampire!

She can have you.
But I don't want...

- Why don't you start...
- Let me, let me handle this.

Emma, Emma, please, you're
not gonna break up this happy home

on account of one
little silly escapade.

Believe me, this other
woman is just a passing fancy.

In the first place, every night
for 3 weeks is no passing fancy,

and in the second place,
who sent for you, big mouth?

Bilko, you stay out of this.

I'm going to give her a
clout right in the kisser.

Come on, look everybody,
he's trying to hit me.

Emma, Emma, please
Emma, try to be understanding.

This means nothing.

These silly things he's doing,

he's just trying to
hold onto his youth.

Believe me, it'll all pass.

That's what I thought
when he did nothing

but watch cowboy pictures,
now it's horror pictures.

Every night at 11:00
o'clock it's Shriek Theater.

Shriek Theater?

You want shrieks,
Rupert, I'll give you shrieks.

You know, Bilko, I'm
starting to worry about Emma.

I always knew she was a nut,

but now she's
starting to get neurotic.

She's a nut?

You left a perfectly
good poker game

for a horror picture,
and she's the nut?

Well, I can't help it
but now you know.

I'm crazy about horror pictures.

I'm fascinated by the
supernatural phenomenon.

Oh, I understand, well, let's
get back to the poker game

and we can talk it over.

Oh, no, no, I've gotta
see the end of this picture.

- Hey, you wanna watch, Bilko?
- No, no, no, you watch it.

Enjoy yourself while you can.

You never know how long
Shriek Theater will be on the air.

Yes, Margaret?

There's a Mr. J. Malcolm
Bilko to see you, Sir.

He says he's the
chairman of the C.C.A.B.T.

The what?

The Citizens Committee
for the Advancement

and Betterment of Television.

Never heard of them.

He says they have
an award for you.

Send him in.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Oh, thank you. Mr. Hawkins,
I'm J. Malcolm Bilko.

And may I present my associate,

Spencer Harrison Barbella,
legal counsel for the C.C.A.B.T.

I've heard a great deal
about your organization.

Well, isn't that splendid.

May I have the citation, please?

I think you'll like this.

This citation is presented
to J. L. Hawkins,

under whose expert
guidance Station KNAC-TV

has set an example of
creative programming

unmatched in local
television history.

May I say my job
was made easier by...

I'm, I'm, I'm not through yet.

- There's more.
- I'm sorry.

And for your Program "The
Grove City Night School of the Air,"

with the its exciting
courses in ceramics,

taxidermy and taffy pulling,

the C.C.A.B.T is deeply
honored to present to you

its most coveted
award, The Fanny.

You make sure that all
the leading news agencies

get a copy of that.
- Yes.

Thank you very much.

Oh no, no, it's we
who should thank you.

Could I get another picture?

Oh yes, just one more,
you alone representing

the hope of the industry gazing
into the future of television.

- You mean, like this?
- Oh that's splendid.

You get that. Oh yes.

That's the way William
Paley must have looked

when he discovered C.B.S.

Ok, now I thought that... all
right, he's taken the picture.

All right.

Thank you. You are very kind.

Oh, I only wish that
the other stations

could follow your example and
stop showing cheap programs

such as the Shriek Theater
and other such trash.

But my station carries
Shriek Theater...

They do a grand job here,
if they had your integrity,

your showmanship... you carry
Shriek Theater on your station?

- Yes.
- Destroy that film.

But we haven't had
a single complaint.

Sir, I insist that you
cancel Shriek Theater

or else you'll be held in
contempt of the C.C.A.B.T.

But it's our most popular
programs, fully sponsored...

It's obvious that these
rewards mean nothing to you.

That's not true, Mr. Bilko.

I can't tell you how proud I am
of this symbol of achievement

and I... 3rd Prize Roseland
Rhumba Contest, 19...

That's a mistake?

There's been a mistake
all right, get out Bilko!

Very well, but you haven't
heard the last of this.

Stupid, you couldn't get a
statue without writing on it?

- Get out!
- Out! Out!

- Everything's all set, Ernie.
- Good, it's only 9:00 o'clock.

That means we'll
have Ritzik in the game

at least till 11:00 o'clock.

Maybe you can take
his money fast tonight.

No, Ritzik has his
own way of losing.

You can't monkey
with his stupidity.

Where is he, Rocco should
have had him here already.

Would you relax, Ernie?

Rocco has been sticking
close to him all day.

- Well...
- Rocco, where is he?

- Where is he?
- I got bad news, Ernie.

Bad... Emma, got
to him first, huh?

No, he's home
watching Shriek Theater.

Shriek Theater, that
don't start till 11:00 o'clock.

Not tonight, tonight
they got a double feature.

Double feature,
you like my luck?

Wait look Ritzik's only one man.

We still have players?

Are you kidding?
Nobody will show up.

Ritzik is the only
guy they can beat.

Are you kidding?

A poker game
without Ritzik is like a

Follies Bergere without girls.

We've got to think of
something, but what?

- I got it!
- What?

Ritzik isn't playing
poker because he's home

watching the horror movies, right?
- Right.

Then what we gotta do is make
him stop watching television.

- Right?
- Right, so?

Well, that's all I
figured out so far.

I'm worried about you, Rocco.

You used to have a fine
third-rate mind, what happened?

Look, Ernie, Ritzik's just
going through a phase.

Yeah, so am I, and
it's called bankruptcy.

You remember with the Westerns
he thought he was a cowboy?

- Yeah, yeah.
- With the mystery shows,

he thought he was a private eye.

Well, in a couple of weeks...

Hensh! Hensh! Sshh! Sshh!

He's getting a big idea.

Look, he's
concentrating so hard,

his face is beginning to glow.

Stand back, he
may be radioactive.

- I got it!
- What?

What?

Rupert will be back in this
poker game tomorrow night.

- What are you gonna do?
- What am I gonna do?

You just said it.

When he watched
the cowboy pictures

he thought he was a cowboy.
- So?

Now he's watching
horror pictures, right?

By tomorrow night,
I'm gonna convince him

that he's turning
into a vampire.

Where are you going, Sarge?

I'm going to call on
the future Count Ritzik.

The door!

Who... who is it?

It's me. Oh.

- Come in quick, Bilko.
- Listen up.

What's the idea of the rifle?

I'm watching a horror
picture and I'm a little jittery.

Oh, not a bad idea.

What's that smell?

- Oh garlic.
- Garlic?

Yeah, I got them hung
around every window.

That's the only way
to keep them out.

Keep who out?

Vampires. Now if you don't
have any more stupid questions,

I'd like to watch this picture.

I can't hear anything.

Well, I got the
sound turned off.

I don't want it to wake up.

- It?
- The creature from the other room.

Ooh, Ooh.

Now listen, that chap
biting the girl on the neck,

is that a vampire?

No, it's Sal Mineo. What
kind of question is that?

Very, very interesting
subject, vampires.

I'm reading this book right now

by this Professor
Wilhelm Stupnick

of the University of
Transylvania in Hungary.

- Transylvania?
- Oh do you know of it?

Are you kidding, it's the
capital of the vampire world.

Ah, very, very interesting
case history in the book.

It's about this man
who became a vampire

without having gotten
bitten on the neck.

- Impossible.
- What do you mean?

I know all about vampires.

Without those 2 bite marks
on the neck, you're nowhere.

Well, Professor
Stupnick clearly states

that a man can become a
vampire through osmosis,

that is if he has
latent tendencies.

That sounds highly
plausible. What does it mean?

Well, just like you.

You watch a lot of
horror pictures, right?

Sure.

And you spend a
great deal of thought

on vampires and their habits?
- Yeah.

Well, with this abnormal
interest, it's possible if you have

latent tendencies
they can be aroused.

Well, that is if your
folks come from Hungary

instead of Poland.

I was not...

What's the matter?

Well, my folks
come from Hungary.

They do? Oh, it's
nothing to worry about,

as long as they don't come
from Dracula's hometown.

Well, my grandparents
were born in Grotnick.

- Did you say Grotnick?
- Yeah.

Small world, isn't it?

Bilko, you don't think
that it's possible that I...

Oh no, no... let me
look at your teeth.

Say, you have a nice set
of teeth especially these 2.

Hah! Have they
always been that sharp?

I don't know.

Well, as long as they're
not growing, well...

Maybe, maybe I should see
a doctor, or a veterinarian.

Oh, come now, don't
start getting panicky.

First thing you know
you'll start imagining

that you have hairy course
hands like a werewolf.

But I do.

You... let me look at your
paw... I mean your hand.

What made me say paw?

Say, your hair is course
and it is stiff, isn't it?

Oh, we're being silly. Come
on, get a good night's sleep.

Forget about the whole thing.

It's easy for you to say.

Oh, you should have
no trouble sleeping.

There's no full
moon. Goodnight kid.

Ernie, don't go.

You have to forgive
me. I'm a little edgy.

- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know.

I'll read the rest of the book

and I'll see what
Professor Stupnick says.

Goodnight.

Emma!

Emma! Emma!

What makes you so sure that
Ritzik's gonna show up tonight?

Oh, he'll show up, I cured him
of the Shriek Theater forever.

He's back to his first
love, losing money.

What about the other guys?

Oh, the minute they hear
Ritzik is back in the game,

don't worry,
they'll flock around.

- What's that?
- Someone's at the window.

Who could that be?

Ritzik, what are
you doing out there?

- Bilko, can I talk to you?
- Well, come on in.

What did you come
in this way for?

Why don't you use the door?

Bilko, I gotta
talk to you alone.

All right fellas, leave
us alone, will you?

Ok, we're alone, what is it?

Look, Bilko, I'm in
trouble. You gotta help me.

- We didn't catch it in time.
- Catch what in time?

Well, I sat up all night and I
was watching my nails grow.

Oh, come on, that's
ridiculous, Rupert.

No, it isn't. I
finally fell asleep

5:00 o'clock this morning
and when I woke up

my fingers were
around Emma's throat,

and that's a bad sign, Bilko.

I haven't done that in weeks.
You gotta help me, please...

Come on, sit down.

You're getting yourself
all upset for nothing.

I'm telling you we
caught it in time.

Sit down, play a little
poker, relax your mind.

No, no, I can't do it.
I, I can't trust myself.

- What do you mean?
- Well, all the guys are my buddies.

What happens if in
the middle of the game

I happen to get
thirsty or something?

- What do you mean?
- Well, you know what I mean...

Rupert, you're getting
yourself all worked up.

Would I lie to you?
You're all right, Rupert.

Play a little poker, forget it.

No, no, my gambling
career is over.

From now on, I
gotta stay by myself.

- Rupert, don't say that.
- I got to, for your sake.

For my sake?

- Look, Rupert, am I your buddy?
- Yeah.

I wouldn't give you
a bum steer, would I?

Of course not.

I'm telling you, you're
definitely all right.

I was reading Professor
Stupnick's book the other...

you remember Professor Stupnick?

I'll never forget
him as long as I live

or afterwards for that matter.

Professor Stupnick definitely
says there's only one way

you can tell whether you're
a full-fledged vampire or not.

- How's that?
- You take a blood test.

Yes, they analyze your blood

and if there's no bat's
blood in it, you're safe.

- Should I take one?
- Yes, go over to the infirmary.

Tell them you want a blood test.

Tell them you're anemic
or something, all right?

All right, wait, wait,
I better go this way.

Yeah, well go this way.

Why this way?

Well, in case I start to fly, I
don't wanna scare the men.

On his best day, Bela
Lugosi never had your class.

Fly! Go ahead.
Don't bite anybody.

- Did you hear?
- We sure did.

- Wasn't that beautiful?
- Do you think he'll be all right?

Oh sure, they're just
gonna give him a blood test,

not an I.Q. test.
- No game tonight, Ernie.

Not tonight.

Let's take in a movie,
what do you say?

What's playing at
the Post Theater?

"The Grave of Frankenstein."

Oh, had enough
of that, none of that.

What's at the... let me see, the
Arcade and Grove City is playing,

"The Mummy's Hand".

These horror pictures, you
can't get away from them.

Hey, how about
that little Art Theater

that shows foreign films?

Oh yeah, sometimes
there's a good French film.

- Where is it?
- Yeah.

Hmm, "The Werewolf of Paris."

Horror, I'm telling
you it's getting so

that you can't see a good
wholesome gangster picture anymore.

I hear those horror
pictures make millions.

Here's an item right here,
some producers in Hollywood

offered a fortune for a
new unknown horror star

for their Dracula series.

Get this, "Kruger
Brothers of Hollywood

today launched a talent
hunt for a new screen monster.

The lucky actor will be rewarded
with $100,000 a year contract...

Hey Ernie why don't we...

Hmmm, $100,000 a year, 7
year redemption... we've got it.

We've found the
star, the monster!

- We got him!
- Who?

Ritzik! That's who!

But he's not a real vampire.

But he thinks he is,
that's half the battle.

Don't you understand?
I've got him convinced.

I take him down... Oi,
Oi. Oi, the blood test.

- So?
- They'll analyze the blood test.

They'll find out it's normal

and there goes our
trip to Hollywood.

- I've gotta fix that blood test.
- Come on.

Where are we going?

We're going to a taxidermist
to get some bat's blood.

At a taxidermist?

No, at a supermarket,
where else? Come on!

Quiet!

Here it is.

Hold this.

Here it is, R. Ritzik.

Put the other one in.

Colonel, can I talk to
you for a moment, Sir?

Why of course, doctor,
but I'll tell you right now

I've never felt
better in my life.

- That's fine.
- You look a little pale, doctor.

Would you like me to
take your temperature?

Sir, do you know any
man by the name of

Sgt. Rupert Ritzik?

Of course, he's
our Mess Sergeant.

Why, is there anything
wrong with him?

I don't know.

I don't understand.

Well, I gave Ritzik a
blood test yesterday

and I've just finished
the analysis and...

Come, come doctor,
what are you driving at?

Here's the report.

Doctor, I don't see why I
always have to be bothered

with these petty details.

Bat's blood! Sgt. Ritzik?

Yes, Sir, 100% bat's blood.

I don't understand.

Are you sure you
didn't make a mistake?

No, Sir, I double
checked the test.

It's bat's blood all right.

This is terrible.

If it's any consolation to you,

Sgt. Ritzik is a
very healthy bat.

It's no consolation.

What you think we
should do about it?

I'm afraid, this is
your decision, Sir.

I suppose you'll have to
report it to headquarters.

I always get this
kind of a decision.

Other Colonel's play golf,

file a report once in
a while, but not me.

I've got to call the
Pentagon and say,

"Good morning General,
I've just discovered

that my Mess Sergeant
has bat's blood."

Captain, how long
have you been a doctor?

15 years.

All right, but if this is
a mistake on your part,

I'll have you broken
down to an intern.

Col. Hall, I... oh I
see you're busy, Sir.

Oh Bilko, you better hear
this. Now, tell him doctor.

Ah, Bilko, do you know a man

by the name of Sgt. Ritzik?
- I know him very well.

He's our Mess Sergeant,
Sir. What about him?

Well, I ran a blood test on him

and it shows that he
has 100% bat's blood.

Sir, if this is your idea of a
joke, I'm quite busy and I...

It's no joke, Bilko.

But Sir, I know Mess
Sgt. Ritzik very well

and I can assure you he's
definitely not a vampire.

- I'm not saying he is.
- You're not saying he isn't.

I don't know.

Well, it's all too ridiculous.

I've known him for years and if
there's one thing he's not, he...

- oh my... oh...
- What's the matter, Bilko?

- Nothing, Sir, nothing...
- Bilko, you know something.

- Now I order you to tell us.
- All right, Sir.

Well, you know how
the men have a habit

of horse playing
around at the dayroom.

We clown around a lot.

Well, Mess Sgt.
Ritzik has this habit of...

nipping at the men's necks.
- What?

Yes, he even did it to me, Sir.

We were playing a
harmless game of quoits

and I challenged
him at a ringer.

And he got furious
and he, well you can see

the 2 black marks there, Sir.

Oh heavens...

It's, it's not possible.

There are no vampires
in this day and age.

Sir, there's always
the rare case.

I must string along with
Captain Masters on this.

One vampire in an Army of a
million men and I had to get him.

Why didn't he join the Air
Force, where he belongs?

If you don't mind,
I'd like to be excused

so I can lie down for a while.

Very well, but remember,
not a word of this to anybody

until I decide what to do.

Yes, Sir.

You'd better leave too, Bilko.

Never, desert my Colonel
in a moment of crisis,

I should say not,
Sir. I have an idea.

In a spot like this,
I'll take any way out,

even a revolver with
one bullet left in it.

No, it won't be
anything that drastic, Sir.

However, what is the
Pentagon gonna think

when they read your report, Sir?

What's your plan, Bilko?

Well, Sir, I don't wish
to cast any aspersions

on Captain Masters,
but I think he's wrong, Sir.

And I think you ought
to hold back your report

until Ritzik and
I return from the

Cedars of Lebanon
Hospital in Hollywood,

and so we can clear up
this mystery once and for all.

Thanks, Bilko. You
have my permission.

- Thank you, Sir.
- Ah Bilko.

- Sir.
- Be careful.

Don't let him nip
you on the neck.

Oh, I won't, Sir.

And Sir, I'll call you
immediately from the studio...

ah, the hospital, Sir.
- Thank you, Sir.

Tell me, how is the talent search
for the new monster coming?

Ah, nothing. Nothing so far.

We've gotta find somebody, Eddy.

The public is tired
of the old monsters.

They want new faces.
Horrible new faces!

Who? Bilko?

I don't know any Bilko.

Did I tell you,
Frank, I think if we...

Gentlemen, congratulations,
your search is over.

The star of your new
Dracula series is here.

- Sorry, you're not the type.
- Not hairy enough.

Oh, come on, I have
no time for jokes.

My name is Bilko.

The star you've been
searching for is waiting outside.

- Are you his agent?
- Not quite, I'm his keeper.

- What?
- This is no ordinary actor.

- This is a real vampire.
- Look wise guy...

Now, before you say anything,
just read this medical report.

Who are you trying to kid?

Just read it, please.

100% bat's blood?

Ssh! Keep your voice down.

You'll create a
panic in the streets.

A real vampire! It's horrible!

Revolting! It could
gross $5 million.

Is he dangerous?

As long as I'm with him, but
my services do come high.

Well, do you sign him?

Well, we'd like
to see him first.

But of course, well,
let me caution you,

no sudden quick moves
because... you never know.

Just be careful.

With a great deal
of pride I present

Count Rupert Ritzik
of Transylvania.

Well, gentlemen, do we make a
deal or do I take him over to Metro?

- What do you think, Eddie?
- What's to think?

Let's grab him.

What are you asking, Bilko?

$100,000 a year for him.

- You got it.
- $50,000 a year for me.

Now, wait a minute Bilko,
what do you want, blood?

Ssh! Don't use that
word in front of him.

And another thing,
I must caution you,

you remember, he
shoots only at night.

Why?

Well, he sleeps during the
day time, you should know that.

There's just one
thing that worries me.

What's that?

How much blood
does he need a day?

Oh, a pint, a pint and
a half on a hot day.

- What do you think?
- It's a deal, Bilko.

Now, if you'll just
sign these contracts.

Glad to, I always wanted to
do business with a big firm.

All right, Eddie this is
gonna be the greatest thing

that ever hit the screen.

It'll be sensational.

And for his personal
appearances, we'll put him in a cage.

- A cage?
- Good thinking, of course.

We've gotta protect
the kids from him.

Maybe we'll put him in chains.

I've got a great idea
for a publicity stunt.

Yeah?

Now, right after he
finishes his first picture.

- Yeah?
- He breaks out of the cage.

Can't you see those
headlines, "Vampire at Large."

Then we have posses hunting
him down with high-powered rifles.

Sensational, let's
get over to publicity

and start the ball rolling.

This is it, Rupert.
We got it made.

You know what this means?
A home in Beverly Hills

with a swimming pool,
weekends in Palm Springs.

- Yeah, Bilko, yeah.
- You don't sound excited.

Well, did you hear
what they said?

Sure, I heard what they
said $100,000 a year.

Yeah, but how about the
rest of it, chained up in a cage,

guys hunting me with
rifles, me scaring kids.

- Rupert, $100,000?
- I don't care about the money.

All I want is enough money
to get the vampire cure.

Me scaring kids? I like kids.

They like me.

But if you say so, I'll do it.

You gave me a quick
brain, a nimble tongue,

who needed a conscience?

Bilko, this is
wonderful, if it's true.

Oh, it's true, all right, Sir.

I had Ritzik take 2 blood tests

at the Cedars of
Lebanon Hospital.

And then to make sure,
when we returned here,

Captain Masters gave
him another blood test

and, Sir, he's as
normal as you or I.

That's wonderful!
Where is he now?

Oh, he's at the infirmary,
Sir. What's wrong with him?

Oh, nothing serious,
Sir, just a little weak

from the loss of blood.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Beatrice Pons as Mrs. Ritzik,

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Nelson Olmsted
as Captain Masters,

Jack Collins as Sgt. Pendleton,

Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan,

Walter Cahoon as Ed Kruger,
Paul Reed as Sidney Kruger,

And Otto Hulett as Mr. Hawkins.