The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 13 - Bilko's Giveaway - full transcript

(barking orders)

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33, 34, 35 well, it's
not a fortune but it'll do.

Ernie, be practical,
how are we gonna get by

in Hollywood for 3
days on only $35?

Because I know Hollywood.

It's a big open hearted city

that can't do enough
for a G.I. on leave.

And the women, oh, they're
so sweet and generous.

Oh, I could tell you a
story... ah, never mind.

Well, come on, Sarge, give.



All right, it's between
3 of us, gentlemen?

During the last war, this G.I.
came to Hollywood on leave.

Right at the station, I
mean but not a block away,

right at the station, he
sees this famous movie star,

in her beautiful convertible,
picks him up and gives him a lift.

Sarge, who was she?

Please, no names.
You can understand.

Yeah, we know, come on.

All right, a few minutes later
the same G.I. is with this star

at Mocambo dancing
cheek to cheek.

And the wine is popping
and the corks are flying

and who's paying the cheque?

The management is
signing the chit chat.

Hey, Sarge, do we
know this soldier?



You know him. You know him.

Next, may I tell you what
happened? Swimming in Malibu,

midnight swimming, back
to a penthouse apartment

overlooking Sunset Boulevard.

- Sarge, wow, jeez.
- What are you doing?

- You wanna hear the story?
- Yeah.

The next morning the same
G.I. is at the MGM commissary

surrounded by starlets,
redheads, brunettes, blondes,

kissing them babes
one after another.

One babe.

Sarge, you must
have had a ball, huh?

Me? I wasn't there.

Then who was the soldier?

Jimmy Stewart!

I had you going for a minute,
you've got to admit that.

Come on, let's go see
if the dining car's open.

Where are you going?

Where are you going?
Have you forgotten

we got a budget to live up to?

But, Sarge, I'm hungry.

How are we gonna
have fun in Hollywood

if you wanna have the
bare necessities? How?

Sarge, you said
you were going to try

to win some dough
in a poker game.

With who? Who am
I gonna play with?

The engineer? The
conductor? Usually on this train

there's a travelling
salesman, here... nothing.

All right, porter,
I'll take it from here.

- Yes, Sir.
- Oh, here you are and now...

There you are.

And don't spend it all
on the same place now.

- Thank you, Sir.
- Well, hello there.

- Hello, doughboy.
- Do you have the time, Sir?

I sure have, it's
7:30 and all is well.

That's good. My
name is Ernest Bilko.

Simpson's the name.
Men’s shoes is my game.

Oh, a travelling salesman.

Say, that is a
fascinating business.

I like it fine, I sell shoes
and I get a big boot out of it.

Shoe, boot, you get it?

Oh, I've never
heard that one before.

That's nothing, I got a
friend in ladies shoes

and it's killing his feet.

Ok, Rocco, that's enough.

That funny, friend in
ladies shoes killing his feet.

Shut up. Give me the cards.

Are you gonna take him, Ernie?

Are you kidding? In half an
hour I'll have this Patsy's bankroll

plus a year supply of moccasins.

Oh, Mr. Patsy... Mr. Simpson.

But, Sarge, you
still didn't tell us.

Leave me alone. Will
you leave me alone?

But what happened, Sarge?

Ah, it's the same old
story, gullible soldier

beats city slicker.

Excuse me, Sarge, what do we do

in fabulous Hollywood
without money?

All right, Rocco,
stop with the grizzies.

I'm thinking.

I don't know about
the rest of you, fellows,

but Jimmy Stewart
shouldn't have any trouble.

All right, cut it out, Henshaw,
we're in a crisis here.

I got a buck and a quarter
change, what have you got?

90 cents.

All right, Rocco, we're
pooling our resources,

what have you got?
- I ain't got a cent.

$2.15, pretty shallow pool.

Well, we've got to
think, you like this?

We're stranded in Hollywood,
he's combing his hair.

It don't cost me
nothing to look neat.

Neat, neat, that's all I need.

- What's the matter, Ernie?
- Shh, keep your voice.

What is it, Sarge?

- Wallet a big fat wallet.
- What a break.

Will you keep your voice down?

Did anybody see me pick it up?

- I don't think so.
- A wallet, wow!

We don't want to
attract any attention.

All right, just... just act
nonchalant like nothing happened.

If you see a policeman,
don't panic, don't run.

Sarge, there's a
policeman over there.

- Where? Come on, let’s...
- Take it easy.

Hello, how are you?
Have a nice trip.

Now, just follow me, just act
nonchalant, like nothing happened.

Just walk casually.

How are you?

Ernie, Ernie.

Ernie, where did you
go with the wallet?

- Anybody follow us?
- No.

How much do you
think is in the wallet?

- I don't know.
- Now count, will you, Sarge?

Shh, ixnay.

- What'll it be, boys?
- I'll have a slot of mandy.

A shot of brandy, this is
my first time in Hollywood.

- I'm rather excited.
- How about you, boys?

They'll have the same.

- 3 brandies.
- Swell.

Ernie.

Is he out of sight?
Where's the waiter?

He just went behind the bar.

Behind the bar. Now we
can examine the bonanza.

Oh... oh, it is
fat. Oh, it is fat.

I hope there's no
$1000 bills in here.

They're so tough to cash.

Well starting counting already.

- Easy.
- This is a treasured moment.

We must cherish it. Let's
see who it belongs to.

If lost, return to
Cpl. Rocco Barbella.

It must have fallen out of my
pocket when I took out my comb.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

Sarge, we're in a worse
fix than we were before.

Comes to $2, soldier.

Oh I see, well... may I
have your pencil, please?

Thank you very much.

There you are, my man.

Thanks for your autograph,
Sir now what about the 2 bucks?

Are you implying my
credit isn't any good?

Why of course not, Sir.

I'm merely suggesting
that you pay me the 2 bucks

or I'll call the MPs.
- All right, hold it.

This guy has a big... I'll
call the MPs, what are you...

Here you are.

15 cents is ours, go on.

Thanks, Diamond Jim.

Well, Ernie, here we are in the

glamorous film
capital of the world.

And we've got 15
cents between us.

What are you thinking, Ernie?

I'm thinking I wish
this was iodine.

It is iodine.

This is KLAT Los Angeles.

Television, it's all we need,

we could have stayed in the
camp and watched television.

And now it's time to play
America's no.1 afternoon quiz show.

A Prize For The Wise.

And here's your genial master
of ceremonies, Bud Burke.

- Come on, let's get of here.
- I ain't finished my drink yet.

And here's our first contestant.

- What's your name, sailor?
- Fred Johnson.

- Are you a seaman first class?
- My wife thinks so.

All right, well,
now Fred, for $500

who was the 16th president
of the United States?

You have 30 seconds.

Big deal, Abraham Lincoln.

Any child could
answer that question,

here's a joker, he's
gonna get $500.

It could've been you,
Ernie, just as easily.

You had me answer it.

Say, will you turn
down that television set,

please we're
trying to talk here.

You thought of something, Sarge?

It was so obvious
I couldn't see it.

- A quiz program.
- You, Ernie?

Why not, you see
those quiz shows

they always like to
have G.I. contestants.

You just heard a joker,
I answered the question.

We could've won $500.

Sarge, is there another quiz
show on the air this afternoon?

Are you kidding?

They're like trains, there's
one every hour on the hour.

Let's get over to
that TV station.

He's combing his hair again.
Pick up your wallet. you.

Bob, did you get the changes
in the opening announcement?

- Yeah.
- Fine, good.

Are you ready to pick today's
contestants, Mr. Martin?

Yes, we'll need of 4 of them,
you might as well let them in.

Ok, Jim, open the chute.

Quiet, quiet, will you please?

Will you be quiet, please,
and give this gentleman

a chance to have an
unbiased opinion, please?

I got them quiet now, Sir.

Take me, take me,
Mr. Producer. I need the money.

She needs the money, my
husband hasn't worked in 11 years.

Watch that leg lady,
I've got shrapnel in there.

Mister, mister take my
Ronald, he's a regular genius.

Take me, take me.

I'm a friend of Art Linkletter.

(barking orders.)

I don't know what
happens to them.

Greed turns them into animals.

Your face is familiar,

did I fight alongside
you at Guadalcanal?

Do you remember me at all?

Ah, this lady back here.

Oh, you dear, will you come...
She's sweet, very sweet.

- Where are you from?
- I'm from Cucamonga.

She's a good type, now
will you step right over here.

Very good. I like
that choice of yours.

You sure have
great judgment there.

They do like it when
they hear the cities

they're familiar with.

All right, where are
you from, soldier?

I'm from Brooklyn. That
always gets a big hand.

- You, Sir, what do you do?
- I'm a wine taster.

Oh, wine taster,
why, that's good.

We'll tie him up with the
lady from Cucamonga.

That's a good choice.
Oh I forgot to tell you, Sir.

You see, before
I joined the Army

I was quite a character
myself, you see,

I used to be a pearl diver.

I have experience, mister, I
was runner up on queen for a day.

Lady, do you mind?

How can a man think?
You're jabbering in his ear.

Give him a chance.

- Where is that little boy?
- There's a little boy.

- Go Ronald, go.
- How old are you, son?

- He's 10 years old.
- Oh, bless her heart.

She doesn't understand
that this is an adult quiz.

Some other time.

We'll make the kid
the 3rd contestant.

Oh, swell, we'll
make a good team.

- Oh you, sailor -
Come right in, sailor.

Where are you from?

Shucks, I'm just a farm boy
from back home in Indiana.

- Good, sailor, you're in.
- You're doing fine.

All right folks, that's all.
All right folks, that's all.

Try us again tomorrow.

Tom, you better get set up,
we're on the air in 15 minutes.

All right, will the contestants
step this way, please?

Hey, you better put me down.

You're wanted back on your ship.

- By who?
- Rear Admiral Bilko.

Good afternoon, it's 4 o'clock

and time for America's No.1
afternoon quiz game Lucky Strangers.

Now, we'd like you to meet
your genial master of ceremonies,

Harry Harris.

Thank you, thank
you, you nice people.

You know, an unusual
thing happened to me

walking to the studio today,
really, what happened?

Funny you should ask, a
man rushed up to me and said,

Mr., I ain't had a bite
in 5 days, so I bit him.

Well, that takes
care of the funny stuff.

And now let's play the game.

In just a few seconds, 2
people who have never met,

are going to pool
their knowledge to try

and win up to
$250,000 in prizes.

How's that for entertainment?

Mr. Martin, I can't find the sailor
anywhere, he's disappeared.

Oh no, well, I'll get another
serviceman as quick as you can.

- Hi there.
- Ok, big mouth, you win.

You mean I've got
to team up with him?

- That's right.
- We're dead mum.

Oh, don't worry
sonny I'll do all right.

Sure you'll do all right, if
your category is pool rooms.

- Ronald.
- Where is his daddy? Hiding?

All right, Bob, how about our
first team of lucky strangers.

All right, Harry, from
Pasadena California

we have Ronald Strobe teamed
up with Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko.

How do you do, Mr. Harris?
I'm a great admirer of this show,

I'm so happy to be here,
which is the camera we look?

- That one right there.
- Yeah. You see I'm from Camp
Fremont.

A lot of my buddies may
be watching the show,

do you mind if I
say hello to them?

No, go right ahead.

How are you fellows out there?
Give my love to the Colonel.

- How are you, sonny?
- He's a little shy, speak right up, son.

- I am not.
- He's not shy.

He's one of those
bright little boys.

You can start any time
you want, Mr. Harris,

we're ready, heaven knows.

All right, Sergeant,
your first question

has to do with outer space.

For your first group of prizes

tell us, what is
the speed of light?

What is the speed of light?
What is the speed of light?

What is the speed of light?

Would you mind repeating
that question please?

The speed of light is...

Would you, please?
I'm trying to concentrate.

What is that, what
is the question?

The question is what
is the speed of light?

The speed of light is
186,000 miles per second.

That's absolutely right.

Are you ready for
your next question?

We certainly are...
aren't we, Ronald?

This question should
be right up in your alley.

It has to do with
military history.

Military history. Pay
attention, Ronald.

Which is the camera?
Right in the centre there.

For an additional
$2,000 in prizes, tell me,

on what date did the
battle of Gettysburg begin?

The battle of
Gettysburg, what date?

What date the battle of
Gettysburg 1900, no 1800?

The battle of ah... Gettysburg.

Gettysburg.

The battle of Gettysburg.

The battle of Gettysburg
started on July 1st, 1863.

- That's absolutely right.
- July 1st 1863.

Oh, the little
boy beat me to it.

Did you hear that
bell lucky strangers?

What's that?

That means that
you're absolutely eligible

for the big jackpot question

worth an additional
$25,000 in prizes.

Are you ready?

Just a minute, are
you ready Ronald?

Do you want a glass of water?

Why don't you answer
me? Did you lose your voice?

- No.
- He's all right, we're ready.

Now, for the big jackpot
question. The subject is chemistry.

Chemistry, we know all about
chemistry don't we, Ronald?

Pay attention now,
son. Listen closely.

What is the correct weight in
grams of silicon tetrafloride?

Silicon tetrafloride.
Silicon tetrafloride.

- You have 10 seconds, please.
- Please, please give him a chance.

Can we come back next week?

Silicon tetrafloride
has a weight...

Has a weight of, come son.

- 5 seconds.
- Don't, don't!

He's a little boy and
you're pushing him.

No... that's sulphur dioxide.

You pushed him
into sulphur dioxide.

The weight of silicon
tetrafloride is 4.684gm/liter.

- 4.684gm/liter.
- That's right.

I did it! I did it!

Sergeant, perhaps you'd like
to know what your prizes are.

Oh, yes.

For answering the super
duper jackpot question

you win a prefabricated
summer bungalow

complete with wall
to wall linoleum,

And?

A 15 cubic ft refrigerator
that makes up to

3,000 ice cubes at a time.

- And.
- A brand new electric typewriter.

And?

A complete set of
encyclopedia Britannica.

And I'm getting a headache.

Thousands of dollars’ worth
of loot and not one cent of cash.

And get a load of all this
loot. After all I went through.

Yeah, it wasn't easy standing
up there under those hot lights

racking that kid's brains.
Henshaw, I'm warning you.

- Ten-shun.
- Bilko, what's going on here?

I thought I told you
to get rid of this stuff.

- Yes, Sir.
- Well, see that you do.

Yes, oh Sir, I was
just wondering.

Wouldn't Mrs. Hall
like to have a brand new

electric dishwasher, Sir?

Why yes, Bilko,
I'm sure she would.

I was wondering about that old
fashioned carpet sweeper she has.

Don't you think a vacuum cleaner

would make her
housework much easier, Sir?

- I guess it would.
- Well consider it done.

Thank you, Bilko.

Don't mention it, Sir, I'll see
that you get a nice discount.

Bilko, get this stuff out
of this barracks by tonight.

- Yes, Sir.
- This is an Army installation,

not Gimbles' basement.
- Yes, Sir.

I almost had a sale
there for a minute.

- Hey, Sarge?
- What?

A special delivery
letter for you.

Ok, Rocco, look, line up a
truck to the back of the barracks,

put all the stuff
on and load it.

- Right.
- What are you gonna do with it,
Sarge?

What am I gonna do with
it? I'm gonna try to sell it.

If I get a third of its value
that'll be at least $5,000.

You've got to think ahead.

- Oh no!
- What is it, Ernie?

I owe $6,000 in taxes.

- Come on, you help me load the stuff.
- All right, Sarge.

You know what we'll do if we
work hard in the next few days?

I may wind up even
and stay out of jail.

Hey, Sarge, Sarge, do you have
to sell everything that you won?

Everything, everything,
get it on the truck, come on.

Look, those electric cables,
do they sell for retail or...

Oh gee, Sarge, just
when I got attached to him.

We might be in a spot here, I
might have to sell them as a team.

All right, friends, you're
say you're not satisfied.

You say you want
more for your money.

Tell you what I'm gonna
do, with each and every sale

of these household appliances
I'm giving away, absolutely

free of charge,
an expensive gift.

Hey mister, you've
got an electric stove?

We certainly have one, we're
selling them at a $100 under cost.

Just step around to the front
of our mobile department.

Rocco, step on the gas.

Folks, who wants a sale
meet us on route one.

I raise you $5.

Ok, I see you with
this portable griddle,

I raise you with
this electric toaster.

Nothing doing, we're
playing for money.

Come on, Kennedy,
let's get out of here.

Yeah, if you ain't
got cash, no game.

All right, with each article
I'll throw in the green stamps.

I'm sorry I ever went on that
quiz show in the first place.

I've got trouble
with the government,

trouble with the Colonel.
- This is Sgt. Bilko, right here.

Thank you, Fleischman, that's
the way Benedict Arnold started.

Sgt. Bilko, I'm from the
Treasury Department.

All right, all right, you're
looking for that $6,000 in taxes.

I haven't got it. I may
give all of this stuff away.

I'm afraid that
doesn't change things,

you still have to
pay the tax on it.

What about the quiz
show? They give stuff away.

Oh, it's a different thing,
they're authorized to do that.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Well, I don't know,
that's your problem, Bilko.

Maybe you should
start your own quiz show.

All I can do is to just...

Thank you, thank you! And
for being such a good sport,

here's this
electric waffle iron.

Ernie, what's the idea?

You thanked him like
he just gave you a refund.

He did better than that,
he gave me a great idea.

You know how they always
like soldiers on those quiz shows?

I'm gonna start an all G.I. quiz
show right here in Grove City.

But, Sarge, if we
give all the stuff away

how's the show gonna last?

You don't understand,
all those contestants

they use on the quiz
show, they're smart.

I'm gonna see that
we have dumb ones.

- Dumb ones.
- Like Mullen, Ritzik.

Sarge.

And say hello to the Charles
van Doren of the Stone Age.

All right, Ritzik,
let's rehearse.

Now, don't give me
the answers too quick.

You want to build
up the suspense.

All right, here we go,

Sir, for your next question
you must spell soup.

- SOUP.
- No, no.

SOOP.

No, SOUP is right, but don't
give me the answers so quick.

Stall a little,
act it out a little.

- Ok, try me again.
- The next word is consommé.

Consommé, conzh...
- Aha.

That's good, good
but that's acting.

Who's acting? I don't know
how to spell consommé.

You want to try
another category?

Nothing doing, Bilko,
spelling is my best subject.

- Bilko?
- How are you?

How's the G.I. quiz show coming?

Swell, we should have
a sponsor in no time, Sir.

Remember, Bilko, remember,

we want the show to be
completely on the up and up.

You don't have to say that
to me, back at the camp,

they call Mr. Integrity.

All right, Bilko, I just came in to
wish you good luck for the night.

I'll be watching you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

What's this?

Just loosening up my
voice a little, Sarge.

You're the announcer,
you're not a singer.

What is this?

What are we all standing around
for? We're on in 15 minutes.

Come on, get moving, come
on, Doberman, get out of here.

And clean him up,

remember, we're going
into people's living rooms.

Henshaw, you got
Doberman's questions ready?

Right here, Sarge, I
did just what you told me.

The first 2 ones are easy,
the last one is a toughie.

- That's where we get rid of them.
- Yeah, Right.

Right, 'cause we've gotta
make these prizes last

until we get a sponsor.

Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome

to America's newest and
most exciting quiz game.

And here to tell you more
about it, is your G.I. quiz master.

Energetic, effervescent
Sgt. Ernie Bilko.

Hello. Hello everybody.

Funny thing happened to
me on my way to the studio,

a pan handler
stopped me and said,

"Sir, may I have $300
for a cup of coffee?"

I said, "My good man,
coffee is only a dime,

how come you need $300?"

And he said, "Well, you
see, I like to have my coffee

at drive-in restaurants
and I haven't got a car."

So much for the comedy
and now for television's

most exciting quiz game,
Grab What You Can.

Babs, who is our
first contestant?

Thank you, Babs.

What is your name, Sir?

Duane Doberman.

Ah, Mr. Doberman, may I
ask what is your profession?

I'm an atomic scientist
attached to the Army.

Splendid. Splendid.

I should've guessed
that, you have

that bright, intelligent look
of the man of the future.

Tell me, Dr. Doberman,
what is your category?

- Comic books.
- Comic books.

How can a man of your high
intellect chooses comic books?

That's all I ever read.

You mean besides the scientific
manuals of your high profession.

Babs, will you
press No.11, please?

In a moment, Dr. Doberman,
we will have your first question,

Come, Babs, thank
you very much, dear.

All right, Dr. Doberman.

For your first question
on comic books.

There is a famous married
couple in the comic strips,

her name is Maggie.

- Tell me, what is her husband's name.
- Jiggs.

You're off to a flying start.

Now, for the second question,
there is a famous comic strip

with 2 partners in it.

One partner's name is Mutt,
what is the other's name.

- Jeff.
- Absolutely right.

And now for your next question,

which includes a $1000
in valuable in prizes,

we go over and meet
MP Sgt. Kennedy.

Sgt. Kennedy, may I have
the $1,000 question, please?

Thank you, and
now, Dr. Doberman,

think carefully, this is
worth a $1000 in prizes.

Capt. Dan, spaceman, has
an interplanetary rocket ship.

What is the serial number
of its atomic engine?

3X-066050222.

You only have 30 seconds. What?

- 3X-066050222.
- That's right.

Who knew he'd know the
answer to such a tough problem.

If he answers anymore
of them big questions

we're out of business.

- I know, I know.
- Hey, Sarge, did I do good?

You did too good, who
gave you the answer?

Nobody, I've been studying.

Bilko, who was that last
contestant? He was sensational.

He made the show. Oh,
there you are, my boy.

- You were wonderful, wonderful!
- Doberman?

Yes, Bilko, the switchboard
lit up like a Christmas tree

and look at these wires, the
comments are all the same,

loveable, warmhearted,
fascinating contestant.

- You're wonderful, my boy.
- Doberman?

Yes, Bilko, if he stays on
the show for say 4 or 5 weeks

our rating will be tremendous
and we'll have a sponsor.

- You're a natural, my boy.
- Yes he is, I knew.

You figure things?

Doberman, sit down,
I wanna to talk you.

I think not, Sarge, it's
been such a hard night.

Should I drag him back to you?

Please, big television
stars you don't drag.

He may be the makings of
us yet, we'll let him stay on

as long as the public wants him.

But, Ernie, are you sure
that he'll know the answers?

He'll know. He'll know.

And now, for your last picture
in your category of comic strips.

If you identify this correctly

you will win prizes
totaling $15,000.

Can you identify that
picture, Duane Doberman?

I think its little orphan
Annie as a baby.

Just a moment, you've answered
a question with a question.

I must have a more
definite answer.

- Little orphan Annie.
- That's absolutely right.

Congratulations! You have
won prizes totaling $15,000,

and next week you will
come back and try for $25,000.

I won't be back.

He won't... what do you
mean you won't be back?

The mental strain
has been too great.

You won't be back?

I'm going to quit and
donate my winnings

to the Grove City
community chest.

But Duane you've got,
you've got a... next week.

Please, I'm not finished.

And I want to thank loyal
Doberman fans everywhere.

And especially Sgt. Ernie Bilko
who helped me with the answers.

And so, until next week,
ladies and gentlemen.

Fee men, taxes, district
attorney, I'm glad that's over with.

Yeah, now we're right
back where we started,

no money, no merchandise.

Let that be a lesson to you,
you get nothing for nothing.

- Let's have a cup of coffee.
- Right.

Congratulations,
you lucky fellow!

What?

For being the one millionth
customer at the Lassalle Cafeteria.

One millionth?

That's right, you win
a color television set,

a combination washer dryer,
and a complete set of golf clubs.

- Here, pal, it's your headache.
- Come on.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Frank Albertson as the producer.

Morey Amsterdam as Harry Harris.

Joey Trent as Ronald.

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Larry Fletcher as Hopkins.

Matt Crowley as the salesman.

Dick Noel as the Bud Burke.

Ken Konopka as the waiter.