The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 8 - Bilko Talks in His Sleep - full transcript

Bilko starts talking in his sleep & unknowingly gives away the secrets of his scams to Grover and Ritzik. Bilko realizes what he's been doing and decides to turn the tables on them by letting them believe he's not in the best of health.

Here, give me a dime, I
wanna make a phone call.

But Sarge, if I give you a dime

all we'll have is a
dollar-ninety for dinner.

Never mind a dollar-ninety.
This dime will get us dinner

- Who are you calling, Sarge?
- Remember Hilda?

The fat one?

Sure, she's fat which
only means she eats good.

And I understand she
does her own cooking.

- Let me handle it.
- You can't be too particular.

So what if a dame is a little
fat and a little sloppy, we...

- Hello, Hilda how are you darling?
- This is Ernie boy.



Yes, some friends of mine
and I were in the neighborhood,

we thought we'd give
you a buzz as they say.

You want us to come right over?

Well, after all Hilda
it is dinner time.

We do hate to barge
in on you like this.

You're not having
dinner, you're on a diet?

Well, if you think it's
for your appearance

it's all right... Beep! Beep!

Oh there's the bus, we must run.

Thank you very
much Hilda. Take care.

That's it.

No, no we can't delve
into the capital anymore.

Let's sit down.

Just relax, let the
old Sarge handle this.



You see gentlemen in
ordering a well-balanced meal.

It's all in your attitude.

And gentlemen tonight
you will eat like kings.

Just let me handle this.

We start off with 2 hamburgers,

side order of shoe string
potatoes, some coleslaw,

3 coffees, 2 doughnuts,
split right down the middle,

I believe that comes
to exactly $1.80

which I know we have between us.

- Here's mine, 85 cents.
- That's my bankroll, 95 cents.

My hosts, I salute
you, $1.80 exactly, see?

Now who said 3 couldn't
eat as cheap as 2?

Yeah, especially
if 2 have money.

Oh that's a bitter remark.

Well, if it isn't Sergeant
Bet-a-million Bilko.

And look at all the
money on the table.

When is the Brinks truck
coming over to pick it up?

Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it a minute.

- Uh huh, just say pudgy baby.
- Pudgy baby.

- Oh now we're in, I'm I right.
- You are right Ernie.

- No doubt about it.
- I win the bet.

What's the bet?

That you are the ugliest
Sergeant in the United States Army.

Very funny Bilko, but I'm
the one that's laughing.

- Take a look at this.
- $96.

Sarge, before payday, wow!

And I owe it all to you, Bilko.

Oh I seem to remember, I must
have loaned him that last month.

- Oh no!
- Not this money.

This is the money I saved
by not betting with you.

And you wanna know something?

I'm gonna save this much
every month the same way.

Yeah, me too Bilko. We're
not your patsy's anymore.

Now just make up your mind boys,

it will just put you in
a higher tax bracket.

Who are you gonna give it
to, Uncle Sam or Uncle Ernie?

Don't worry, I got my own
idea of how to spend it.

Please, you're
spoiling my appetite.

Psst! Hey look, there she is.

Oh hold my hand
Rupert, I'm weak.

- Hello Gladys.
- Oh, it's you.

How about a date tonight
when you get through?

- No thanks.
- Why Gladys?

I'm sick of going out
with you and Ritzik.

Why does he have to
come along all the time?

He's my pal.

Well then why doesn't he
stay home and talk to his wife.

Look, if you want
to I'll stay home.

But don't tell me
who to talk to.

Oh please say something okay.

Well, maybe.

I'm off day after
tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Oh thanks Gladys. Thanks a lot.

You're sweet. Come Rupert.

It's all settled. She's
gonna think about it.

Congratulations Francis.

Hey Sarge, how about
them hamburgers?

- I'm starved.
- Yeah here, service, service!

- Can I help you?
- Can she help us?

We've been sitting
here 20 minutes,

she wants to know if she can...

Miss, normally, we're easy-going
guys, but we, we, weee...

- May I have your order?
- What's your hurry my dear?

We're in no particular rush.

I've been in here many times,

I don't believe I've seen
your, ah, lovely face before.

- It is lovely you know.
- How do you want your hamburgers?

Hamburgers indeed.

Now do I look like
the hamburger type?

We'll start with
Oysters Rockefeller,

some Green Turtle soup,

pheasant, Cherries Jubilee,
oh yes you better start

by chilling a bottle
of champagne.

Are you kidding? We don't
have any of those things.

You don't?

Oh fellows, why do
you bring me here,

It's dull! Dull! Dull!

Well, I guess I'll have to eat

at the Cotillion
Club tonight again.

The Cotillion Club?

That's the most expensive
restaurant in town.

Oh is it?

Well, I wouldn't know,
I just dine and sign.

Gee, I've never been
to the Cotillion Club.

Oh, you haven't?

But my dear you must
go and when you do go,

ask for the Chef and tell him
you want the Bilko Bubalese

Oh it's a splendid dish and
you... well why even discuss it,

why don't I just take you there?

Oh I'm off day after tomorrow.

That would be Wednesday.
Oh that's a splendid day.

That's Guinea Ham
on the glass day.

Oh we'll love it and
that's a date, um?
- Gladys.

Gladys, I could swear
your name would be Kim.

She does resemble that
Novak girl, doesn't she?

Yeah.

I suppose you don't
want anything then?

Oh well I..while we're here you
might as well bring us 3 coffees.

Oh just a minute
Kim, I mean Gladys,

here's a dollar and a
half for your trouble.

- Oh thank you.
- Well all right my dear.

- Sarge, $1.50 tip?
- My usual 90%.

You certainly made yourself
a big man with Gladys.

Yeah, Ernie how are you
gonna keep that date with her?

The Cotillion Club's gotta
cost you at least 40 or 50 bucks.

- Yeah, what are you gonna do?
- Ah, here it is!

Now you gentlemen ever heard

of that great
American institution,

"Guess how many beans
there're are in the jar?"

What's the gimmick, Sarge?

All right, how many beans
would you guess are in here?

Oh about 50,000.

- Ah, that's your guess?
- Yeah.

- Do you agree with that?
- Sure.

- All righty, observe.
- See?

The beans are pasted
on the inside of the jar.

There are exactly
333 beans here.

That's very clever Sarge.

But the guys will
never hold still

for one of us
winning the contest.

Oh really, well, that's
where I display my brilliance.

That's why I'll be eating
in the Cotillion Club

and you poor souls will
be eating in the Mess Hall.

When are the men
due back from chow?

- Just about now, Sarge.
- All right, follow me.

Right.

Now gentlemen, how
about a game of chance?

Freeze! ...Look alive!

Well, this is the thanks I
get for trying to fill your day

with a little amusing
knick knackeries?

This is the reaction I get?

I've a good mind not
to go through with this.

- Oh no go ahead, Sarge.
- All right, if you insist.

Now pay attention, I
have here a bean jar.

Now for a dollar
each you can guess

how many beans
there are in this jar.

Oh!

Hold it, I'd like to
point out that neither

Cpl. Barbella, Cpl. Henshaw,
or I will be in this contest.

Yaay!

Thank you for that
vote of confidence.

Now hear this, all the
money, I repeat all the money

will go to the man
who guesses closest

how much beans
there are in the jar.

Now, here it is.

Study it, observe
it, don't touch it.

Take a guess.

I'd say there's about
20,000 beans in there.

Hey, you crazy? Look how big...

I bet there are about 14,000.

Provokes your imagination
doesn't it well, happy hunting men.

I had a real hunch and I'll tell
you how much beans are there.

Just one thing if you're
running this contest on the level,

how do you end
up with the money?

Elementary, when
Doberman wins the contest,

It'll be cinch gettin'
the money from him.

Doberman's gonna win?

Of course! There are
exactly 333 beans in the jar,

Doberman will guess the closest.

Observe. Observe.

Doberman! Look alive!
Your Sgt. wants you...

- Yeah Sarge?
- Come in Duane, come in!

Now Duane, what
time did I give you

that detail for the furnace?

4:00 o'clock this morning.

Sarge, gee it was so cold.

4:00 o'clock?

In the Army we don't say
4:00 o'clock, we say 0400.

If you're gonna be military,
be military it's 0400, 0400!

- Now what is it?
- 0400!

That's better, you
remember that?

Oh incidentally Cpl. Henshaw,

did you give me the inventory
from the stock at the motor pool?

- Right, Sarge.
- Oh yes, you did tell me.

There were 400
spark plugs in stock.

That's right. I must remember.

Heavens!

What was that number
you just told me?

- 0400.
- No, no, no that wasn't it.

The number Henshaw just gave me.

I've forgot it completely.

- 400.
- 400, thank you.

I'll remember it from now
on, 400, hmm, thank you.

- Oh Corporal?
- Yeah.

Did you hear from that
young lady in Philadelphia,

you've been carrying on
that little romance with?

You know, the girl in
society, the girl in the 400?

Oh no, she never
answered any of my letters.

Oh is that a shame.

He must have written
her at least 400 times,

never heard from
him once. 400 letters!

400 times this lovesick
boy wrote that girl

and never heard from her, shame!

Oh incidentally Duane, I know
you're going to the bean contest,

what number did you pick?

Gee, I haven't given
that much thought Sarge.

Oh just think of any number now.

What number comes to mind?

Gosh, I don't...

00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:36,782
It's a good hunch, you
stick with that number.

I will.

Gee, I don't know how I
happened to think of that number.

Well, it's a good hunch
400 you stick to that.

Oh, Duane, would you help
me get my music stand please.

I wanna practice a little.

See when you don't practice
the trombone continually

you lose your lip.

Will you hold this?
I'll get the music.

Now wherever did
I leave that piece?

What? What angel blew that note?

- It was me, Sarge.
- You?

Oh you fellas
are pulling my leg.

It was the radio playing,
now you're kidding!

You? Let me hear it again.

- Sarge, you're crying?
- Yes, I'm crying.

Crying in confusion,
I've practiced all my life,

here's a man, picks up a horn.

And in one blow
shatters all my illusions.

There is... I'll never
play this trombone again.

It's yours! Take it.

- I can't.
- Yes, for $50.

$50? But Sarge, I'm broke.

Look, nobody expects
a musician to have cash.

You pay me when and
if you get the money.

Gee, that's mighty
nice of you, Sarge.

Oh think of nothing of it...

Just send me some passes
when you're playing at Birdland.

Birdland?

Now go practice. Practice!

1, 2, 3, 1 and 2 and 3 and...

- Well?
- Sarge.

If you wanna bow
in awe, you may.

Sarge, I just wanna say,
I'm proud to know you.

- All right, go on, get out there
- Keep an eye on the bean jar.

- I've got some paperwork to do.
- Right Sarge.

Wait a minute!

Doberman, will you
cut out that blowing!

We're trying to think here.

Just for that I won't
invite you to Birdland.

I'll kill him.

Take it easy, look,
you're starting to sweat.

I'll strangle him
with my bare hands.

Well, maybe Gladys
was kidding you.

Maybe she didn't
give Bilko a date.

Gladys don't kid.
I'll murder him.

Look at you, you're
gonna get an ulcer.

Hey you guys, you wanna
guess how many beans in the jar?

Only a buck a throw.

- Where's Bilko, in his room?
- Yeah, but he's busy.

Never mind, come on!

I raise, give me 2 cards.
Come on you guys ante up.

Bilko, I'm gonna
murder you, get up!

No, no Flying Fox
can't win on a wet track.

Yes Col. Hall, I'll take
care of it right away, Sir.

Thank you Mr. President, I'd
love to play another 9 holes.

Hey look, what a jerk.
He's talking in his sleep.

Doberman, you don't have
to pay me for the trombone,

till you win the
bean jar contest.

- Hey, let's wake him up.
- Shh!

What about the bean jar contest?

The contest fixed -
everybody guesses high.

How many beans?

Doberman, you're
another Lawrence Welk.

- How many beans?
- 333.

- Did you hear that, Ritzik?
- 333!

What? What are
you guys doing here?

Do you wanna see me?

Oh no, I just came to tell you
that there's no hard feelings

about you taking Gladys out.

Oh I'm glad you're
taking that attitude.

After all I mean it was kismet.

Poor girl took one look
at me and va-voom!

She was hooked.

Sometimes I curse this
handsome face of mine.

Hey, Sarge, we all
got numbers picked out.

We wanna have the contest now.

Good, let's go. Excuse
me we have business.

All right gentlemen,

the bean jar contest
is officially on.

All right, lineup. We'll do
this in an orderly fashion.

Gentlemen, I'd like to point
out in the palm of my left hand,

I have the winning number.

Now we'll have your
dollars and your guesses.

Sarge, $5, 5 chances. Very good!

- How's 23,000?
- Good chance!

- Here here!
- I'm taking 4 chances.

How's 4,500, Sarge?

Very good, very good,
you're showing good thinking.

- Zimmerman, 9,000.
- Zimmerman did it again.

Move! Move!

36, 22, 35, good
number, that's familiar.

Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, what made you think of that?

I'm always thinking of it.

You're healthy! Healthy!

Here's mine, Sarge.

Good man, keep it coming.

I've got the winner, Sarge.

He's got it again. Let's go.

- Here you are Sarge.
- Yes, he remembered.

All right, that's it.

All right gentlemen,
and the winner is...

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Here's my dollar, I
think I'll take a chance.

Why not, the more the merrier,

just write your guess
down on the piece of paper.

- 40,000?
- Why not make it, 80,000.

No, I think I'll take
a really wild guess.

- Here, I know it's a foolish guess.
- Oh don't say that.

You've got just as much
chance as anybody else, 333 well.

- Now the winner is...
- 333?

Don't tell me this wins.
What a coincidence.

- It almost sounds like
somebody told you.
- Ha, ha, ha

This is the greatest thing
that ever happened to us,

- Bilko talking in his sleep.
- Yeah..

He'll never be able
to take us again.

- Come on.
- Hold it, all the men asleep?

Yeah.

Hey what's that?

Good morning teacher. Good
morning Miss Hagerstrom.

Good morning to you.

Paparelli, button those buttons.

Zimmerman.

No, no, Miss Hagerstrom, I
didn't pull Marian Colby's hair.

Hey he's dreaming
about when he was a kid.

Say, ask him about
the Fly in the Bottle.

He won a fortune
from me with that game.

Yeah, okay.

Bilko, what about
the Fly in the Bottle?

Fly in a Bottle, big secret.

What about the
Fly in the Bottle?

Before I let the
fly out of the bottle,

I take some sugar and
I sprinkle it all over me.

This is a real emergency.

I've got a date with
this beautiful doll.

Sarge, we just ain't
got it. We're busted.

- We haven't got it, Sarge.
- We don't have it.

Sarge, they're levellin'.

All right, all right, fall out.

This ain't the Army. It's
Paupers Anonymous.

How are you? Oh boy oh boy.

How are you doing, Ernie?

Well, there they are,
Russia's secret weapon.

Well, looks like I broke your
lucky streak yesterday, Ernie.

Yeah, from now on, you're
not gonna be that tough to take.

Oh, maybe you like
a little more action.

Yes.

Well, you name it, what
would you want, cards, poker,

running broad jump, anything
you want, I'll take it from you.

All right, let me think.

Ooh, ooh I got it,
Fly in the Bottle.

Okay, you're on.

Wait a minute, you let
the fly out of the bottle

and the first one he
lights on, wins the money?

It's a bet.

Wait a minute, what are
we betting, how much?

Oh, well, how about this watch.

Oh no, it's a real solid...

No, no let's make it worthwhile

like say your next
month's pay against this.

You're on, it's a bet.
I'll get the bottle, the fly.

- Roc, Henshaw lay out the chair.
- Right, Sarge.

Come on baby, I'm gonna
let you out for your dinner.

Eh, see the nice sugar? You
come to me like you always do.

Here, you see?
That's a good one.

All right suckers,
here's my IOU.

Here's the fly in the bottle.

Now remember the
rules, you sit in the chair

with your arms folded, you
don't move out of the chair.

The first one the fly lights
on wins all the dough, okay?

Okay. Let it out.

Let it out.

Here little fly.

Come on! Come on baby.

Ooh, it went on his nose.

We win! We win!

Hey Sgt. Bilko the
master, what a laugh.

Bilko, think of another
game you wanna play.

Yeah. Come on.

Oh I must be very
careful how I eat after this.

I seem to have some
maple syrup on my face.

- Oh come on!
- So long sucker!

How do you like
that, a fink fly?

Oh don't take it so hard Ernie.

Anybody can lose
once in a while.

You'll get even.

Sure, by tomorrow you'll be
beating their brains out again.

Oh sure, not
only will I be broke

for my date with
Gladys tomorrow,

I'll be broke for the
whole next month.

Maybe you were too tired Sarge.

You were up with them
awfully late last night.

Why don't you butt out,
what you mean up with them?

I... With them?

Yes Sarge, I heard you
talking with Ritzik and Grover

in your room last night.

- It was way past midnight.
- What are you talking about?

Midnight I was
asleep, how did they...

Asleep, ah, I'm
beginning to smell a rat.

I mean 2 rats, salt,
they put salt in the sugar.

That's why the fly
didn't come to you.

Well, how did they
know about the gimmick?

Aaah...

It seems when I was asleep last
night, I had my big mouth open.

Yeah, that little mistake
cost your month's pay, Ernie.

Don't worry, I'll get
that month's pay

and more of theirs
with it to boot.

- How?
- How?

Next time I talk in my sleep,
I'll know what I'm talking about.

Thanks Doberman, thanks
for the tip, I could kiss you.

But that grateful
I'm not. Come on!

Hi fellas.

Say, Ernie I hope you don't feel
bad about what happened today.

Oh you can't win 'em all.

Yeah, sure I
wouldn't be surprised

if you were due for a streak.

Hey, yeah and then I can bet
my pay for the month after next.

- Yeah, that's a bet.
- What?

I don't know..er anything.

Say something, how about
betting how many men show up

for reveille tomorrow morning?

I'll bet you we'll
come closer than you.

Okay. I say...

No, no, you don't
have to tell us now.

We'll meet you tomorrow morning

before reveille
in your barracks.

And we'll make our guess then.

I see, you want me
to sleep on it first.

Yeah, that's right,
let's all sleep on it.

Oh I'm tired, I
think I'll turn in early.

Yeah me too, I can
hardly keep my eyes open.

How about you Ernie?
You look a little tired.

Yeah, I could use
a little shut eye.

You know what they say,
early to bed, early to rise

makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise.

- How true.
- I'll see you tomorrow morning.

He'll see us tomorrow morning.

But we'll see him tonight first.

Sarge, what if they don't
come, maybe they went to bed.

They'll come. There's
something they wanna know.

- You got Hensh looking for 'em?
- Yes, Sarge.

They wanna find out how many
men are gonna be at reveille.

They're gonna hear something
they wish they never heard.

Here they come Sarge.

Out! Out! It's time
for Bilko's revenge.

- Goodnight.
- Sweet prince.

Farewell.

Okay, he's asleep.

Oh Gladys please,
Everybody's looking.

Hey, he's talking
about your girl.

Gladys, you shouldn't say that.

You shouldn't call Sgt.
Grover a stupid clown.

Find out if he
knows about reveille.

How many turning out for
reveille tomorrow, Ernie?

7 men on pass, 15 men on
furlough, 65 men for reveille.

65?

Thanks pal.

Uuuhhhh!!

- What was that?
- It was Bilko.

What's the matter, is he sick?

Doctor! Doctor!

Shh! Let's listen.

Hmm Doctor, give
it to me straight.

I can take it. 3 months?

3 months to live? Uuuhh!!

Remember this has
got to be our secret.

When my time
comes, I'll be ready.

3 months to live?
Did you know that?

No.

Waaahh!

1 little bug. 1 little bug.

Uuuuhhh!!

I, Ernest Bilko, do hereby
bequeath all my earthly possessions

to my dear friends
Sgt. Grover, Sgt. Ritzik.

This includes my
G.I insurance...

- He's leaving everything to us.
- What a swell guy he was.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,

Coming Fore To Carry Me Home,

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

Coming Fore To Carry...

Ha, ha, ha!!

And they really
went for it, Sarge?

They had tears in their eyes.

Hey Sarge, Sarge, what was
that noise you made again.

- Uuuuhhh!!
- Ha, ha, ha!

What's the, what's
the next move, Sarge?

They make it, figure it
out, they start thinking

of all the money I lost to
them they wanna give it back.

Yeah and more.

- Uuuhh!!
- Ha, ha, ha!!

Hey, hey the rover boys will be
here any minute, how do I look?

Great, Sarge.

Great? That's no good.

You got the talcum
powder? Got a mirror in there.

Oh Hensh, do me a favor, in
my locker some shoe polish.

I'll get it right away.

You look good? That's wrong.

Here you are.

Now, stand by the window,
let me know the minute

you see them coming.
- Right

- What are you doing, Sarge?
- What am I doing?

Such misery from 2 Sarges
you'll never see in your life again.

When I get through
with those 2 jerks,

you'll think King
Lear is a comedy.

See 'em yet?

Hey, hey here they come
up the company street.

I'm ready, how
do I look? Uuuhh!!

Sarge, you look terrible.

Now get out of here.
It's pigeon plucking time.

Get these stuff out
of here. Quick! Quick!

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

Morning, Ernie. Hi, Ernie.

Hello fellas. Isn't it
a lovely day guys?

It's just great to
be alive, isn't it?

- Ernie, what's the problem?
- Nothing I just got...

Gee, Ernie, you
don't look too good.

Oh what are you talking
about, he looks wonderful.

Yeah, well that's
what I meant to say.

You look great.

Yeah, Ernie, you look just
like if you came from Florida.

Oh shucks, I'll
live to be 100...

What?

Okay, I feel fine. Fine!

How's every... what's
the matter with you guys?

You look like you're
going to a funeral.

Oh Ernie, don't say that.

Hey, I know it's a little early,
how about a little poker?

No, Ernie.

Oh I know why,
because I'm broke, huh?

Suppose I put up
6 months' salary.

Wait, better make that 3
months. How about a little poker?

Oh we'd like to but we're broke.

You're broke?

Wait a minute, what do
you mean you're broke,

didn't you win all the money
from me the last 2 days.

What do you mean broke?

You must have won at
least $300, what is that?

- We spent it.
- You spent it?

It was over $300 and you...

Excuse me, hey Grover
there's a guy outside

to see you and Ritzik.

They're right in here Sir.

Hey, didn't you
have all the 3...

That's Grover, that one.

Sgt. Grover, I'm
Dr. Granger, I got here

as quickly as I could
on the very first plane.

Doctor? What is this?

Who's sick? You are, Ernie.

We know everything
and we wanted to get you

the best medical care.

Yeah, this Dr. Granger,
he's one of the

biggest specialists
in the country.

What are you guys talking about?

Ernie, we spent every
cent to bring him here

and if he can save
you, it'll be worth it.

Every cent?

Does that mean the
money I was gonna win

to take out Gladys too?

Don't worry about Gladys,
we told her you were sick,

so she broke the date.

Yeah, she said, she didn't
wanna catch anything from you.

Broke the date?
Doctor, the money?

- Oh Doctor.
- You look like a sick man to me.

I'm a very sick man. Uuhh!!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Virginia De Louse as Gladys.

And Norman MacKay as the doctor.