The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 7 - Sgt. Bilko Presents - full transcript

A new recruit writes a play, which gives Bilko ideas on how to make a huge profit on Broadway.

- Boy, am I full...
- Hehe..me too.

Hey, that was a
great lunch today.

It certainly was.

- What was it?
- I don't know.

That's when it's best,
when you don't know.

Hey, Doberman what's this?

Army surplus?

Hey, you can lean on it!

Oh Cpl. Fender?

- Yes.
- Hiya, Hugo.

Here are those tickets you
wanted for my play Friday night.



- I hope you enjoy it.
- Oh thanks.

Hey, you wrote the
play yourself, huh?

How about that fellows, a real
playwright in a bunk above me.

Boy, am I glad you
joined our platoon, Hugo.

It's a relief to have a
real intellectual with us,

now I go someone to talk to.

All right, break
it up. Attention!

Attention here is the
sample of the fun, fun

you're going to have
this coming Friday night

at my artists and models ball.
- Yeeh! Yaah!

All right, all right
remember there will be

hats for the gentlemen,
favors for the ladies, fun, fun

get your tickets while they last,
don't get shut out gentlemen.

Sarge, Sarge,
they're not listening.



Hugo, here is the
money for my tickets.

Hold on! Hold on! Wait a minute.

Hey, hold it. Hugo,
I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry Sgt. Bilko but all
the good tickets are gone.

Tickets, how do you like
this, he just joined the platoon,

why you phoney double-crosser

You think I'm going to
stand by while you pull off

some phony ticket selling
scheme with my men.

- But Sgt. Bilko.
- You know my policy.

No competitors.

I mean no business
conducted in the barracks.

Now what is this shabby
little racket of yours?

No racket Sergeant, I'm
just selling tickets to a show.

Do you think I'm
gonna stand there

and have my men
caught in a raid?

I can't believe his face,
that's the worse type.

Yeah, it is not that
kind of show Sergeant,

it's a play I wrote.

They are doing it in
Roseville Friday night

- Yes here is...

Hold it! Hold it!

- They're all coming.
- What's happening to me?

Is the parade passing
me by and I'm getting old.

All right break it up.

Come here Hugo, I
want to talk to you.

You're pretty
clever, I must say.

Here I come up with a
crummy idea like a dance

but you come up with a
sharp idea like a play, huh?

- It took a lot of work.
- Yeah, it will pay off, huh?

I suppose you've got a piece of
the hat check concession, huh?

- That's good for a few bucks.
- No?

Oh you're making it
in the program ads,

I mean to the butcher
to hardware store?

No, I don't have anything
to do with the programs.

Oh, I suppose you have a lot
of intermissions in your place

so you can sell lots
orangeade, huh?

No, I didn't do
any of those things.

And you have the nerve to
call yourself a playwright?

- Well I do.
- You didn't think.

You need somebody
to think for you.

Now when does this play
of yours open, Friday night?

- Yes.
- Good, we have time to operate.

Sarge, Sarge what about
your artists and models dance?

- Did you sell any tickets?
- No.

Refund every penny,
the dance is off.

- Do you want a ticket Sarge?
- Buy a ticket?

How long you been
in show business?

Your agent don't buy a ticket.

Look alive kid, come
here I want to talk to you.

Get the rest of the
stuff out of the jeep.

And look that sign
next to the theatre

that says free
parking, tear it down.

Hello, yes I do have 2
orchestra tickets for you,

75 cents each.
- No, no just I'll take that.

What is that? 2 tickets to
the orchestra at 4.40 a piece

that would come
to 8.80 I believe.

What? 75 cents, oh
that's a mistake no.

That's the tax money, yes.

It comes to 8.80
for 2. It's expensive?

You're sitting next to the
governor he's not complaining,

do you or do you not
want these tickets?

We're having a
land office... What?

Yes, all right, what's your
name? I'll leave them for you

and you'll pick them
up at the box office?

- Splendid.
- Did you say $4.40 a ticket?

Quick go backstage
they are waiting to fit you

for the uniform
for the checkroom.

- Who are you?
- Didn't you get the memo.

I am the author's
new representative.

- I represent everything here.
- Did you say checkroom?

Yes quick the seamstress
is waiting backstage.

Come on move.

Hey Sarge, here's the
crate of oranges you ordered.

Look, go down to the
basement and start squeezing,

and remember I want 4
glasses of juice to each orange.

4 glasses that's
a lot of squeezing.

It's a lot of water and be
sure to leave some of the pits

are in the water so it looks
legitimate, move it move.

How are the ads
going for the program?

Just great, even the Paradise
Bar and Grill took an ad.

- Fine.
- And Schultz the butcher

said he'll a whole page if
we can work in the script

something about him running
a special on pot roast this week.

It's in, remind me
to talk Hugo about it.

Here are the binoculars, Sarge.
I emptied out the store room.

Fine, we'll charge 50 cents
apiece for these in the balcony.

Sarge, you can see
great from the balcony.

Not if you turn off
the spotlight, huh?

- Sergeant Bilko.
- Oh Hugo I want to talk to you

about putting some
lines in the show.

But you haven't
seen it yet Sergeant.

By George he's right, I knew
there was something I overlooked.

I haven't seen the play yet.

The dress rehearsal starting
now, would you like to come on in.

Good, I may find a place to
put in some more plugs in it.

Look, tell Papparelli to
take over the box office

and tell him to keep
his sneaky little hands

out of the till, come on.

This is it.

Did pretty good for yourself
Hugo, when does it start?

- Right now.
- Okay, move it.

Okay cast you can begin
whenever you're ready.

Incidentally what's
the name of this play,

I've been busy with other
details it slipped my mind,

Sharecroppers Summer.

Sharecroppers Summer
I like, it's got a lilt to it,

it seems like if we make it a
musical we got the title song,

Sharecropper Summer,
I haven't heard from us.

Ssh.

Big Poppa come quick, Mr. Higgins
is coming up the river road.

Oh Big Poppa is going
to be out awful mad

when Mr. Higgins gets here.

You called me Blanche?

Ah, sure did Big Poppa,
look who's coming,

that no account Mr. Higgins
and his no account son.

Hey, aren't they a little
small to be in a play.

Shhh! Watch the play.

Big Poppa I want to talk
to you about my son Rufe

marrying up your
daughter with your Blanche.

Ah uh, your son marrying
my daughter, never!

Just 'cause you got
money, that ain't enough.

We may be poor, but
we're aristocracy Sir.

Hey, Hugo, why are you
got just children in this play,

it's a little
ridiculous isn't it?

It's being put on by the

Roseville Junior
High Dramatic Society.

It's the only little
theatre group in town.

I know but these look like
fugitives from the musketeer club.

Hey Sarge.

Hold it wait a
minute, wait a minute.

How do you expect us
to give a performance

with all this noise going on.

Now get outside if
you're going to cackle.

- I'm sorry.
- Who are you?

I'm the director that's who.

Oh it figures.

If you don't be quiet, I'll
report you to the principal.

Okay cast, let's get
on with the rehearsal.

Have I missed much of
the dress rehearsal Hugo?

No Mr. Hartman, it just began.

Good, as principal of
Roseville Junior High,

I've never seen our drama group

do anything quite
so stimulating.

Thank you Mr. Hartman.

In reading your play
Hugo, I was very impressed

with the similarity between your
work and Tennessee Williams.

Hold that, Tennessee Williams?

The famous playwright, he
writes like Tennessee Williams?

Yes, maybe someday I'll be
saying I knew Hugo Lockman well.

Hey Tennessee ah,
Hugo come outside

I want to talk to you a minute.

- Is that your play?
- Bring it with you

All right Big Poppa
take it from the top.

Then says the Big Poppa,

Big Poppa you've been
wrong, our day is done.

I'm gonna marry Rufe
Higgins and play my part

in the day that's dawning.

And then the curtain
descends slowly

as Big Poppa goes back
into the house, a broken man.

Poetry, sheer poetry.

If I didn't know you
were Hugo Lockman,

I would swear you were
Tennessee Williams.

I guess I couldn't help it.

Ah, Tennessee
Williams is my idol.

I admire his
characters, his feeling,

his depth, his philosophy.

- His money!
- Oh I never think about money.

I'm just interested in writing.

Good boy, you just
worry about the writing

and I'll worry about the money.

First there is the
Broadway production,

and then we make the movie
sale but not any company.

I want a major frame,
I want this done right.

Big screen and in
color and for my stars

I insist on Cary Grant
and Marilyn Monroe,

because they're
great at the box office.

- You see that?
- All you needed was a producer.

Sarge, you're going
to be a producer?

Why not? What's a producer?

What's the big deal
with a producer?

What is a producer?

A guy who uses other
people's money, right?

You know anybody
better than I am

at using other people's money.

Here, we start
right in Roseville

we raise the money for
the Broadway production.

But what about the
Roseville Junior High players?

- Are you kidding?
- That's free, that's off.

We call that off.

Oh no, but what about
the kids what'll they do?

Let them do Jack and The
Bean Stalk like other kids.

Hey, Sarge I squeezed
over 20 gallons of orangeade.

What should I do with it?
- Be my guest.

A new play we're so excited

that we're going to
be the first to hear it.

I'll get the girls off to chicken
salad so we can get started.

- Splendid! Splendid!
- Ernie, do you think it will work?

Do you think they'll cough
up enough dough for the play?

Are you kidding?

Did you count the minks
when we came in here?

Look at what that
woman is wearing,

that's not a
chandelier you know.

That's a diamond earring.

Sergeant, do you think
they'll understand the play,

it's all about poor people.
- When I get through with them

they're going to
be poor people too.

Here they come.

Girls settle down.

That's opportunity knocking.

Girls, we have a delightful
surprise this afternoon.

We're going to hear a new play
written by Pvt. Hugo Lockman

of our own Ft. Baxter.

How much are you
gonna hit 'em Sarge?

The mood they're in I
was going to ask for 30

but I'm going to
hold out for $40,000.

And I know we're going
to enjoy a delightful reading

by the producer
himself, Sgt. Ernest Bilko.

Looks like you'll
raise 40,000 Sarge.

What 40, I just made it 60.

Now I know we're all anxious
to hear the reading of the play.

So, we'll cut our
regular business down

to just hearing the
treasurer's report, Lucille.

I'm very happy to report that
our flower show two weeks ago

was a tremendous success.

We emerged with
a net profit of $1.65.

However we
weren't quite so lucky

on our rummage
sale last Tuesday.

There was a loss of $2.98
cents, and since there is nothing

in the treasury, the
club owes me the money.

Thank you.

Thank you Lucille.

And now what we've
all been waiting for,

the reading of the
play, Sgt. Ernest Bilko.

Bilko, please. I
have work to do.

I am trying to run a bank.

And you owe it to the people
who put that money in this bank

to invest their money wisely.

Now I'm offering
you an opportunity

to put up all the
money for this play.

Bilko, will you try and under...

Did you put out money for
Oklahoma which made a fortune?

No.

Did you put up money
for South Pacific?

- No.
- Are you going to stand there

and make the same mistake again?

Now the vaults close 15 minutes,

you still have to strike
while the iron is hot.

I am going to strike Bilko,
guard, guard over here please!

- But this no attitude.
- All right Bilko.

Don't send me any more
of those silly calendars.

It's a shame when a kid like
Hugo can't get any recognition.

Yeah, you think
somebody would care

when an Army private
comes up with a great play.

Look, forget it, the
only one who cares

about an Army
private is the Army.

Better get this
play back to Hugo.

What would be?

- Hey!-What?

- The Army!
- The Army?

That's who is going to
produce this play, the Army.

The Army don't produce plays.

They will when Hugo wins the
All-Army Playwriting Contest.

I didn't know the Army was
running a playwriting contest.

Neither did they.

Let's go and see the
new special service officer.

Come in, come in

- Major Lukens.
- Oh yes, Bilko.

Sir, I know how strained
the special service budget

is these days and my
men and I have chipped in

this token amount in the
hopes that perhaps you can bring

the Ballet Russe to Ft.
Baxter next Friday night?

Ballet Russe?

Oh my men are simply
starved to see it Sir.

I've scheduled
boxing for Friday night.

Oh the men will be so
bitterly disappointed Sir.

But I thought they liked boxing.

Oh no Sir, they abhor
brutality and violence.

As a matter of fact Sir,
athletic contests are passé,

cultural contests
are the new thing Sir.

Cultural contests?

But surely the Major has heard
of All Navy Painting contest.

Why over 500 water colors
and 300 oils are submitted Sir.

I've never heard of it.

I'm sorry, it wasn't
on the sport pages.

Of course that was
nothing compared

to the Marine Corps
Clay Modeling Contest.

Oh they had some
breath taking heads.

That one Albert Sweitzer at
the opening, wasn't that thrilling.

I never heard of
that one either.

Sir, forgive me for saying so.

The Army has become
an artistic wasteland.

Oh let us strike back, Sir.

You mean the Army
should run a cultural contest?

A contest?

What a wonderful idea I
never thought of that Sir.

I can hardly wait
to tell the men Sir.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Bu... but what will it be?

Oh it beats me Sir.

Oh if you just come
over to the barracks

and have a talk with the men
so they'd so appreciate it Sir.

That is an excellent idea Bilko.

Perhaps we can find out what
the men are really interested in.

You noticed, that's
what makes an officer.

There is knowhow,
there is drive.

Oh Sir, when you
move you really move.

Of course this doesn't
mean we're giving up hope

for getting the Ballet Russe.

Oh I do hope they do Swan Lake,

when the prince turns into
to the swan, it stays with me.

You all know what to do,
everybody busy typing.

Here Fender, here is your paper.

But Sarge, I don't
know how to type.

Fake it, here
Mullen here is yours.

Sarge, this ain't
got no ribbon here.

Chew on a pencil like
you're thinking of ideas.

- Sarge, Brass coming.
- Coming all right.

Busy type, everybody busy, busy.

Ten-shun!

- As you were men.
- Thank you Sir.

It's their hobby period Sir.

Bilko, what, what an amazing
sight, the entire platoon typing.

Yes, they do that
all the time Sir.

Sir, I was thinking about the
contest how about mosaics?

Tile is cheap Sir.

- Mosaic?
- Yes Sir.

Hey, Sarge, do you think my
second act curtain is strong enough

as the mother runs off with
the daughter or is it better

if the father runs off
with the fan dancer?

I don't know Papparelli,
you have a conflict there.

Discuss it with Doberman, he's
very good on the triangle part

Sorry, if you don't
care for mosaics,

how about a book
binding contest?

Hey Sarge, Mullen stole my plot.

- It's mine I had it first.
- It's mine.

We have the Major visiting us,

this petty squabbles
have got to stop.

Collaborate with each
other, now do it together!

Ah, Sir how about a
soap carving contest

it's fun and it's clean Sir.

Oh let me think of what
the men really like to do.

- We've got it Bilko.
- Sir.

Everybody here seems
to be writing a play.

Oh yes, they do it all the time.

It's getting way out
of hand. I'll stop it Sir.

No, no. Bilko, I
think it's wonderful.

Bilko, would you say that yours

is a typical barracks?

Well I think so Sir.

I think it's as
typical as apple pie.

Well then this must be
happening all over the Army.

By George, I think you've
hit on something Sir.

A playwriting contest!
A playwriting contest!

That's a daring idea, Sir.

I don't know if the Army
would stand for it, Sir.

Well they had better, because
I am going to fight for it.

This is the best
idea I ever had.

Sir, when you move so.

Sarge, Sarge how
do you spell 'Hamlet'?

- Isn't that cute?
- He's writing a modern version.

I'll tell you how to spell...

Bilko I am going to
get on it right away.

Oh Sir, it's wonderful.

"And the credit for
this new Army project

goes to Major Charles
Lukens of Ft. Baxter, Kansas."

Are they kidding?

And get this, "The Theatre
Guild has promised that the

prize winning play will receive
a Broadway production!"

Hey!

What makes you so sure
Hugo's play is going to win?

How can he miss? Tell
me how he can miss?

Now Sarge, lots of guys
will be submitting plays.

- Everybody.
- He is right Sarge.

All right, let me ask the
clever Corporal a question,

how long have you been in the Army?
- 22 years.

- Henshaw how long have been?
- 15.

Doberman, Papparelli,
don't answer.

Would you say between
us over 100 years?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

And in all that time did
you ever hear of one soldier

who ever wrote a play?

- No.
- You're right Sarge.

Of course I'm right.

And with Hugo's play
being the only entry,

we're cinch to wrap
up the whole contest,

how could we miss it?

Sgt. Bilko I was wondering if.

And here he is now,
the Bard of Baxter.

Did you read the good
news about the play contest?

Yeah, look, you better
give me your play

so I can mail it in today.

The quicker we
get in the better.

- It isn't ready yet.
- What do you mean it isn't ready?

It was ready when we
did with those school kids.

It was all right for
them, Sergeant.

But when I read
about this contest,

I knew the third act was
all wrong so I tore it up.

You tore it up?

Yeah, but I'm going
to do it all over again.

Oh don't startle me like that.

Look, we better start right now,

because we want to
catch that 5 o'clock mail.

Papparelli, typewriter,
come on, sit right there.

- I'm not going to.
- You'll be great.

Just sit and put
it right over here.

You know what I always say,

never put off tomorrow
what you can do today.

Go right ahead We're
all rooting for you.

Now get in there
and type away kid.

A little mood music, it's a
southern play Swanee river.

What did you leave out, is it
something about Big Pappa

or little mama or something
about the plantation.

Go ahead kid, we're
all rooting for you,

giving you all the
time. Type type.

- Sgt. Bilko I just can't do it.
- All right, all right.

I'm sorry, I forgot for a
minute, it's an inspiration thing.

You don't turn it
on and turn it off.

We were just doing
rooting for you too hard.

You're doing it at your
leisure. Just think it over.

Just think it over quietly
and do it the best you can

because we don't
want to rush you.

- Is he typing?
- Shhh!

- I'm listening.
- But what's holding him up.

I don't know be quiet.

He's typing, I can
hear the clicking.

We're in.

Oh Sarge I'm sorry.
I just can't think.

Well I just heard you
typing, I had mentioned...

Wait a minute.

Hey Sarge, do you want me to
send my mother your regards?

Get up, get your grubby
hands off that typewriter.

Sit down here pal.

Go on, finish that
third act, come on.

I am sorry, I'm not in the mood.

Oh come on.

Hold it a minute. Wait a minute.

If he's not in the mood,
he's not in the mood.

You don't turning
writing on and off.

Look, take your time.

Just think about it,
give it a lot of thought.

As long as we get it
in the morning mail.

Just take it easy
guys. Leave him alone.

Everybody out and take
Hemingway with you.

Come on!

- Did he write something.
- Here it is.

- A semi-colon?
- I'm sorry Sarge.

I fell asleep and my
head hit the typewriter.

- You'll be all right.
- Come on stay with it.

Here have some
coffee, all right everybody

back to sleep go
on and snore quietly.

Go on, keep at it.

Now remember one
thing Tennessee Williams

never took cat
naps - keep working.

Oh I'm sorry Hugo.

I'll have him shipped
overseas, that Doberman!

- It's no use.
- What's the matter?

I can't understand it.

The first time I wrote
Sharecroppers Summer,

it came to me just like that.

They were all
surprised in the hospital

when I finished
it in just 2 weeks.

- Well you see if... a hospital?
- Yeah.

The allergy I had kept
me in there for 2 weeks

until they discovered what
it was that caused the rash.

Oh the rash, that's
very interesting.

What did cause the rash?

Strawberries,
they're poison to me.

They are.

Now look as long as,
why don't you knock off

we'll do it some other time.

- Gee, Sarge the contest.
- The contest?

What's the contest
compared to your health?

Go on take time off, it
don't come, it don't come.

Up, up! Sarge, what
happened Sarge?

Paparelli, you go
down to the supermarket

and get me $5
worth of strawberries.

Out on the double look alive.

That takes care of the sardines.

Now put in the
sliced strawberries.

Sarge, strawberries
and sardines?

Under the rye bread
he'll never know it.

Hey Sarge, here comes Hugo.

All right, everybody eat
the other sandwiches.

Do like you... oh boys here
is, hey Hugo come on pitch in.

Fleischman's mother just
sent us some food package.

Try the delicious
sardine sandwich.

No thanks, I don't
want to ruin my appetite.

We're having a
chow in half an hour.

Look don't we know it,
that's why we're eating now.

Maybe you can stand
whatever he is serving.

What's the matter?
What are they serving?

Around here we call
it boomerang stew.

How about that boomerang stew.

Oh these sardines are delicious.

Sergeant maybe I will
a sardine sandwich.

Oh be my guest, go
right ahead and enjoy it.

They are delicious boys.

I want to tell you
those Norwegians

they know what to
do with a sardine.

Remind me to send your
mother a thank you note.

Delicious huh?

Yeah. It's good.

They taste a little sweet.

Well that's the newest
thing, sugar cured sardines.

Hey Sarge, I feel funny.

You do? Oh what
are the symptoms?

Jeez, I don't know, I
don't know, it's my rash!

- Your rash?
- My allergy is back!

That's very interesting.

Since there are no
strawberries around here.

Then I must be
allergic to sardines.

Oh good heavens and
I gave him a sandwich.

I'll never forgive myself
if anything happens.

Quickly to the hospital!

Take this boy, this
maybe something serious.

- Okay Sarge.
- Quickly get him to the..

Okay, glad it worked.

Stand by and get
ready for the 3rd act,

it's, what are you eating.

Strawberry and
sardines, delicious.

- Hello Hugo.
- Hello Hugo.

Look all the boys are all here.

We all chipped in and
brought some flowers

for our fallen comrade.

- Thank you Sarge.
- How do you feel Hugo?

I feel fine but I
still got the rash.

They can't figure out
what's wrong with me.

Oh really did you
work on the 3rd act.

The doctor says I have all the
symptoms of strawberry rash,

but it couldn't be that because
I didn't eat any strawberries.

Well they usually know
what they are doing.

- Did you work on the play?
- Oh yes, I finished it.

You finished it?

Sarge, Sarge, let's
mail it in right away.

Oh doctor, he's
looking much better.

Thanks for the play Hugo.

Just a minute Sergeant,
did you get that from Hugo?

- Sure did Sir.
- All right hand it over.

- But Sir we have to put.
- I will take that envelope.

Hugo all your allergy tests
have proved negatives.

So, we're going to
proceed in the theory

that what you have is
something contagious.

Now nothing that Hugo has
handled can leave this room

it might be contagious.

- But this is what we need Sir.
- It doesn't leave this room.

So, please get out of here.

Oh I see, I don't I handled it
long enough to catch anything

although I appreciate
your concerns,

let me assure you doctor
that I never had measles,

mumps, chicken pox
like all the children do.

As a matter of fact,
nobody in my family

ever had anything like.

Sergeant what's
the matter with you?

Nothing Sir, would you
just rub this spot here,

oh it is heaven thank you.

Sergeant, I think you've got it.

- But what Sir?
- I don't know what?

What you just
picked up from Hugo.

- Now please get in that bed.
- Yes Sir.

I'll see the nurse about you
getting you some pajamas

and checking you in.
- Thank you Sir.

Now the rest of you men out.
- Yes Sir.

Doberman come here.

Sarge, I'm afraid
I might catch it.

You'll catch nothing.

Can you please address it, put
down Army Playwright Contest,

care of you know,
the boys will tell you.

Put it in the mail right way.

- Go go.
- Right Sarge.

- Did you get the upstairs?
- Yeah.

And then the blonde goddess
kisses him and that's the end.

Gee that was great. Would
you read it to me again?

Ten-shun. Hey Sarge.

- They just let you out Sarge.
- Hey, you look great.

Rest did you good
Sarge. Hi Hugo.

I would have stayed
longer, but Hugo got well.

Well, I see it's the
same old barrack,

same old filth and dirty around.

Ernie, Ernie how
were the nurses?

Well I'm not going to
mention any names,

but I may tell you there
was this one little doll.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Ten-shun.

- As you were men.
- Thank you Sir.

Bilko, I have received
news from Washington.

News, Sir?

Well it won't be made
public for a week,

but they have chosen the
winner of the playwriting contest.

Hugo boy this is it.

And would you believe it,
there were over 750 entries.

750 entries?

Yap and the theatre Guild
has read the winning play

and agreed to produce
it on Broadway this fall!

Sir, I hate to impose
upon your generosity Sir,

but could we have the
name of the winner in advance

so we can make
certain preparations Sir?

Yes, the winner was
Cpl. Lionel Atwater

of Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

Well this calls for
a cheer, hip, hip!

Who? Who? Corporal what?

Cpl. Lionel Atwater
of Ft. Sill, Oklahoma.

Well the man is
clearly an impostor Sir.

There is only one thing
that puzzled me Bilko.

Out of all the plays submitted,

there wasn't one single
entry from Fort. Baxter,

and all your men
were so interested.

Oh well, thanks again Bilko.

Thank you Sir. Not one
entry from Fort Baxter.

Doberman.

Sarge, I did exactly
what you told me to.

I addressed the envelop
and put it in the mail.

You did?

Are you sure you put
enough stamps on it?

Stamps, you didn't tell
me anything about stamps.

Really sweet, but
technically he is right.

I didn't tell him about stamps.

You blew it, huh, Sarge.

- Let me just kill him!
- Sarge.

- Don't worry, Hugo.
- This is just a temporary setback.

I promise you that play
is going to be produced

and I'm going to produce it.

Let me just hit...

- No, no.
- No Sarge.

Now these last minute
notes are very important.

The electrician that
Magenta spot is too harsh.

Tone it down a bit, give me a
little expression and then props.

I want the real magnolias.

I want the audience
to be able to smell it.

And that second act
curtain you're rushing it,

close it with expression.

Come on we only got 15 minutes.

Get your crew, hey
how is the author.

How are you feeling Hugo?

Sgt. Bilko I am so nervous.

Of course you
are, every author is.

Go out front, get a
seat at the back of house

and don't let the cast see you

It's a superstition,
they don't like that.

Come in.

Huh, now here is some
last minute suggestion

on the way I think the
part should be played.

Bear this in mind, Big Poppa
is the man of soil, but proud,

proud and elegant, but
he's been beaten down by life

until he is a hulk of
bitterness of anguish

and that's the way I
want the part played.

Did you hear that Son?

Now you do exactly
as the director said.

Do what like he says,
he changes it every day!

I know but the...

I can't do it if
I don't feel it.

But I'm trying.

Give me something I sink
my teeth into it and I'll do it.

At every. At every rehearsal.

Where is my motivation?
Where is my motivation?

I've given you the motivation.

- But the method, the method!
- But don't get temperamental.

Please we're on
in... let’s go on stage.

Everybody on stage please.

You heard what he said.

He keeps on changing things.

He does know what he is doing.

All right actors,
curtain gone up.

Come on stage every,
oh honey look the part

you're playing Blanche is a
woman of fire and passion.

But where is my
motivation, where is it?

Forget with the
motivation you'll get find it.

- Now look...
- Please not before I go on.

All right everybody
on stage, hold it.

Who are you?

I'm the prompter and
I know my motivation.

Okay, I am glad I can... What?

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Gordon Polk as Hugo Lockman,

Eddie Andrews as Major Lukens,

Darryl Richard as Big Poppa,

Karin Wolfe as Blanche,

Philippa Bevans
as the chairwoman,

Alice Yourman as Lucille

and Nelson Olmsted
as the doctor.