The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 6 - Bilko's Double Life - full transcript

Hello. Is that rat Bilko there?

Oh he ain't huh?

Well tell him Patsy
called and that with me

taking bets on
horses is a business.

And you can tell him if he don't
get up that 78 bucks he owes me,

he wouldn't be able to get up.

18 dollars? Marge!

Yes, Mr. Adamopolis.

This check for $18, I
can't read the signature.

See if you can make it out.

Gen. Douglas MacArthur.



Bilko! He did it again.

What do you mean we
ain't going steady anymore?

Because Sgt. Bilko made me
queen of the Motor Pool Mardi Gras.

So?

So, if I'm going to be a
queen, he says I can't be seen

holding hands with a
guy who's a chiropodist.

Bilko!

Wait till I get my hands on
that guy, I'll trim his corns.

All I know is that
Bilko hasn't made

a single payment
on the bracelet.

I hate to come to you,
but who can find him?

That does it.

I'm through with him, I
never want to see him again

I'm finished.



Ah, could I have
the bracelet please?

I suppose so.

What happens if I
don't give it back?

I'll have to have him arrested.

All right, here
is your bracelet,

keep it a secret and
have him arrested anyway.

Sarge, Sarge. It's
okay Sarge it's us.

- Sarge. Sarge.
- Hey Sarge. Hey Sarge.

Did you get me
the furlough papers?

Yeah, everything is all set,

why do we've to sneak
out of here so fast?

Because they're
starting to crowd me,

I've got to make
a tactical retreat.

Now did you figure a
way to get me off the post?

It's all arranged, Ernie.

We're going to sneak
you out in a garbage truck.

Are you with me or against me?

Look, Sarge, with the
enemies you've got,

it's either a garbage
truck or an ambulance.

So, take your choice.

Well, a garbage
truck looks good to me.

Look, how could it happen?

All at once the
whole world again...

- Somebody is coming.
- Yeah.

- What's that?
- That's the secret knock.

Secret knock, you
better get him in here

before it wakes
up the whole camp.

What did you open the door for.

I wasn't through
with the secret knock.

Take this.

This is it Sarge.

That's it. You expect
me to get into that?

Oh Sarge, don't worry.

I tested it. Look!

Hey, it's cozy in there.

It all depends on
what you used to.

Hey Sarge, I've
got the truck outside.

- Cassidy driving it?
- No, Collins.

Good. I owe Cassidy $20.

- Get him out of there.
- But I like it in there.

Come on, get out!

Come on Sarge, get in.

This is the cleanest one
you can get Papparelli.

It's the best we got it
from the officer's club.

All right.

Come on Sarge, get in, come on!

How could so many
things go wrong at one time.

The only way I can
get into more trouble

if there was two of me.
- Let's go.

Herbert, there isn't a thing
wrong with you physically,

not a thing.

How can you say that
doctor? I can't eat, I can't sleep.

My hands are
constantly trembling,

my stamp collection is a mess.

My man Martin can tell
you, isn't that so Martin?

- Yes Sir.
- Your trouble is nerves, Herbert.

Nothing but nerves.

If you weren't
Herbert Penfield Ill

with $80 million there wouldn't
be a thing wrong with you.

You've got to learn to cope
with your responsibilities.

Oh I can't doctor, I can't.
I'm, I'm just too tense.

You're much too
sensitive, Herbert.

Oh doctor, Mrs. Crown
is waiting to see you.

Oh get out a card and tell
her I'll with her in a few minutes.

Oh Herbert, one other thing,
how much do you weigh?

In front of her?

That will be all, nurse.

I weigh 160 pounds.

Why couldn't you tell me
that when the nurse was here?

That's a 160 stripped.

Herbert, I am not only
your doctor, I am your friend.

You're a young man, get
out, enjoy life, meet people.

People!

People, they are my
biggest problem, people.

They and just look at me
as a walking bankbook.

Oh why don't you go some
place where nobody knows you,

where you'll be
accepted just for yourself.

Oh is that possible?

Of course and once you
find out that people like you,

and not your money,
you'll be cured.

I know just the place Sir,

a little town where
my father was born.

- Where is that Martin?
- Roseville, Kansas.

Roseville, Kansas, I don't
believe I've ever heard of that.

No one has ever heard it.

Wait, oh wait a
minute Herbert, wait.

- Ah here it is Herbert.
- It's perfect!

Roseville, Kansas,
population 8,000,

Fort Baxter 9 miles from town.

What, it does sound wonderful.

Martin, make all the arrangements.
- Yes Sir.

Oh just think of a place
where nobody knows me

and people will accept
me for just what I am,

just plain Herbert Penfield Ill.

Sir, where do we make the
connections for New York?

- Oh track 32.
- Thank you.

Hey, Sarge, we
ain't got much dough,

why don't we stay
here in Chicago?

No, good, I want to put
as much space between me

and Roseville as possible.

Do you think it will
be safe in New York?

Well if it isn't I always got the
ocean between me and Europe.

- Hench come on.
- Coming Sarge.

I beg your pardon,
can you tell me

where we make connection
for Roseville, Kansas?

- Oh Track 14.
- Thank you.

- Oh wait a minute.
- Track 14, yes.

I thought you were
going to New York?

To New York, well I'm leaving
New York, doctor's orders.

But you just, oh
doctor's orders.

You're coming from New York
and you're going to New York.

Have a nice trip.

Hey, Carlton-Plaza Hotel,
we'll never get away with it.

Yeah, Ernie this
place is too swell.

Come on let's go to the Y.

Let's go to the Y.
We can't afford the Y.

That's why we're going
to stay here, on the cuff.

Do what I tell
you, just follow me.

Here, boy! Boy! Quickly
remove that plant!

Quickly out, time is money.

Don't just stand there.
Oh help him, he doesn't...

Oh take that plant just
destroys the whole composition

of the entire lobby.

Hey you, what are you
doing? Put that plant down.

Do you mind? We
have our work to do.

That chandelier must
go on these drapes,

get them out they clash.
- Just a minute, just a minute.

I am the assistant manager here.

Oh thank you, we
won't need your help.

We've been doing this for years.

Men, these carpets, they jar
me, would you step aside please.

I insist on knowing
what is going on here.

Oh good heavens
didn't my editor call you?

Editor?

Yes, the Good Hotel Keeping
Magazine the inn keeper's bible,

oh yes next month we're devoting

our entire issue to your hotel.

Yes and of course
we'll need pictures.

Mmm, the cover, do
you see him on the cover?

Oh yes.

Oh yes, these are
my photographers.

But I never heard of Good...

Oh don't worry when we get
through re-arranging this lobby,

you won't recognize it. I
have some wonderful thoughts.

Oh here madam,
please, please here,

you are unbalancing the lobby.

- Up, there you go.
- I can't allow you to.

Oh we'll be out of here in no
time, one week and we're through.

Of course I'll need accommodations
for my staff and myself.

Don't fight me on this,
I see him for the cover.

- Don't you see him for the cover?
- Oh yes.

Oh a double bedroom
will be sufficient.

I am very sorry,
but the Carlton Plaza

does not allow pictures
taken in its lobby.

You don't seem to understand.

This is The Good
Hotel Keeping Magazine

think of the publicity.

Publicity, this hotel has a
strict policy of no publicity.

Oh it works out perfect,

our magazine has a
very small circulation.

I'm very sorry, but I can't.

I don't know Sir, it
sounds like an argument.

Great heavens,
is that, oh it is.

That's Herbert Penfield
Ill, what is Haskins doing?

Well I assure you,
as long as I'm around

you'll not work
for Conrad Hilton.

- Will you please leave.
- Gladly make a note...

Excuse me Sir, Haskins
will you step aside

and let me handle this.

Sir, I can't tell you how
glad I am to welcome you

to the Carlton-Plaza.

But he said he was from a
magazine the policy of the hotel.

We have no policy where
this gentleman is concerned.

Let that be a lesson to you.

It showed you the bigger
they are, the nicer they are.

Do you mean I should
give them a room?

A room, Haskins are
you out of your mind?

Is the Penthouse Suite occupied?

- Penthouse Suite?
- Yes the Penthouse Suite!

You heard him the
Penthouse Suite!

This is Herbert Penfield Ill.

But he said he was
from a magazine.

He owns chains of magazines.
Now, get him the Penthouse Suite.

But the Penthouse
Suite is occupied

by the Maharajah of Hindupan.

Well, get him out.

Oh no, no that will be so messy
moving him and his elephants.

Have you any other
accommodations?

Perhaps we could
give you the royal suite.

The royal, well I don't know.

I prefer something
more democratic.

- The presidential suite is vacant.
- Now there you have it.

He is a nice chap after all.

Then you will take
the presidential suite?

- What can I do?
- I am pressed for time.

Please oblige, at
least take a look at it.

Well, I'll look at it but
I promise you nothing.

No hard feelings, but I'm sorry,

he's off the cover, you're off.

Oh my what a quaint,
peaceful, little town.

It hasn't changed much
since my father's time.

It's just the way he
described it to me Sir.

You know something Martin, I
do believe that doctor was right.

I feel better already. My,
breathe the healthy fresh air.

Yes Sir, we're in the
heart of the dustbowls.

Splendid, splendid.

Papers, paper, get
your Roseville Gazette.

Roseville gazette
isn't that quaint.

- Boy, I'll take a paper.
- Not from me you deadbeat.

What did he say?

I wouldn't pay any
attention to him, Sir.

He is just a young hoodlum.

Oh never mind, let's
find a place... to the hotel.

Oh officer could you tell us.

Listen, I'm giving
you fair warning.

I don't want any
trouble around here.

Now get off my
beat and stay out.

Goodness Martin that officer
was decidedly unfriendly.

Oh that must be the way
they are in this town Sir,

when they don't know you.

Well, that's what I
wanted. Not to be known.

We'll find the hotel ourselves.

So. So?

I have caught up
with you at last.

- You crook, give me that jacket.
- What is it?

Jeez, why don't take
your hands off me.

- Help, help, police help.
- What is going on around here?

This man he's trying
to steal this coat, here.

Here! Here give me that coat.

There you are Frank.

And you wise guy, I told
you to stay off this beat.

Now get along, get moving.
Come on, move along.

- Martin, Martin!
- This way.

I know you will like it Sir,

there's a splendid view of the Park.
- How nice.

And at the first
opportunity we'll move you

into your regular
suite in the Penthouse.

My regular suite?

And you see I even remembered
your favorite fruit, tangerines.

Ah splendid.

I'll just make sure
the air conditioning

is the temperature you like.

- You do that.
- Boy!

- Boy, Ernie it really worked.
- Did you hear that?

He fell for it like
a ton of bricks.

What are you talking about it.

Don't be an idiot
he fell for nothing,

it's obvious he is mistaking
me for somebody else.

- Somebody else?
- Yeah, but who are you?

I don't who I am but
you can bet whoever I am

I'm loaded with dough.
We've got to find, oh well.

We'll take your numbers.
Take their numbers for later.

Is everything to
your satisfaction, Sir?

Well, I'll manage
to muddle through.

Then I won't disturb you.

Oh there is just one thing,
would you mind calling the desk

see if there is any mail for me.

Oh certainly Sir.

Hello desk, is there
any mail for suite 1203?

Yes, I am up here with him.

No Sir, anything else Sir?

Oh well, while you're there,

would you mind
calling the barbershop

and making appointment for me.

- Use my name.
- Certainly Sir.

Tell 'em my name, it doesn't
matter to me, use my name.

Fritz, would you send
up a barber to suite 1203

as soon as possible?

Who else would stay in 1203?

That's right, yes it's
your favorite customer.

He's back with us. That's right.

All taken care of Sir.

Oh there is one more thing.

My rich young friends here,
finding out it's my birthday

they want to have a
cake for me tonight,

could you arrange that?

Oh certainly
that's our specialty.

Oh splendid I suppose you
want my name on the cake.

- Of course yeah.
- That's the way they are.

Oh well as you wish,
but it will take a few hours.

Oh it doesn't matter.

Well, what will
the cake be like?

I mean that's the one...
- It'll be the usual cake,

err. rosebuds,
vanilla icing, 3 layers.

- Yes.
- And it will have an inscription.

- And?
- Yes and the inscription will say,

best wishes and
happy birthday to

and here we put in your name.

No, but I want to know, how,
how will you put in my name.

In chocolate or strawberry,
whatever you need.

- Thank you for your time.
- Yes Sir.

- Give up, I tried, what do you want.
- Oh but Sir.

May I say what an
honor it is for this hotel

to have as its guest once
again Herbert Penfield Ill.

Jeez, did you hear
that Sarge, Sarge?

I got it, I got it.

I know who I am,
Herbert Penfield Ill.

What's wrong with
the people in this town,

they seem to hate me.

Well, I must say
they are a bit cool, Sir.

Well, I wanted to be an unknown,

I guess this is the
price I must pay.

Ah uh, so this is where
you been hiding now.

All right, you
welcher hand it over.

Another one.

The people in this
town are jacket hunters.

Take it, take I've got
no problem, take it.

I mean the $78 bucks!

Whatever are you talking about?

Who are you?
- Who I am?

I'll give you 3 guesses
before I break your nose.

I'm not fooling around,
I want my dough Bilko!

Now look, there is some
mistake, I'm Herbert Penfield Ill.

Oh I beg your
pardon, I didn't realize

I've made a dreadful
mistake, please forgive me.

All right, I accept
your apology.

Thank you and I'll
accept the 78 bucks

or else I'll break your neck.

- Come on give it up.
- Martin, Martin!

You'd better pay him, Sir.

All right, this is an outrage
but with the protection

you get from the police,

this seems to be
the quickest here.

Here is your money.

It's a trick. The dough's phony.

I assure you that
money is genuine.

I made it to myself!
Good one isn't it Martin?

Oh yeah, in that case you
and me are going to the bank.

You're going to
change these bills

and give it to me in quarters.

Come on!

Now that I know who I am,

I've got to find out
something about myself.

This Penfield has got
to be in Who's Who.

All the big shots are in there.

Wait a minute, you're
not kidding, here I am.

Ha, Herbert Penfield
Ill, look at this.

A Harvard graduate, belongs
to the Union Shore Club,

the Palm Beach Club, the
Racket and Tennis Club,

the Englewood Country Club.

- Boy, he must be loaded.
- Loaded!

I'd like to have what
he pays in dues.

- Is there anything else?
- What else do you need?

Wait a minute, look they
even gave his phone number.

If he's out of town
we've got it made.

Hello operator would you
get me Butterfield 8-2598?

If a man answers I
might be talking to myself.

- Anybody answer yet?
- It's going to be a butler.

He's got to have a butler.

Hello, hello, is this
the Penfield residence?

May I speak to
Mr. Penfield please,

Herbert Penfield
Ill if you don't mind.

He is out of town? Oh
that is a disappointment.

How long will he be away?

Indefinitely you say?

Yes well it is a disappointment.

No, no just tell him his
friend was here, yes, Rodney.

Rodney the tangerine grower,

he'll understand... all right.

- This is it, we've got it made.
- Sarge, what do you we do now?

Well for openers we'll
demolish 'em slowly.

- We'll start with room service.
- Call room service.

- I'm going in there to wash up.
- Right.

Hello, give me room service.

Room service,
this is suite 1203,

would you send up
a menu right away?

Thank you. Oh that
room service is fast.

Yes, they told me
down at the desk

that Herbert Penfield
was in this suite.

Herbert Penfield?

What do you want
to see him about?

- I'm his sister Helen.
- His sister?

- Where is he?
- Well, he is not here now.

See, he wasn't
feeling very well.

You get the tangerines
and when the

room services comes ala carte.

- Herbert.
- Well, this is room service.

Your sister came to visit.

Yeah, your sister was
anxious to see you.

Well sis, how is the
rest of the family?

Herbert I have been so
anxious to speak to you.

- Well sis I have been rather busy.
- No, you don't Herbert.

You've been running away
from responsibility all your life.

This is one time
you're going to face it.

Now sis you'll understand
you're interrupting a reunion here.

These are old chums
of mine from Harvard.

We were in the same fraternity,
we were just about to... boola boola.

Stop that! Stop it!

Now sis you're
throwing your tantrums.

It's all very clear to me.

I know exactly
what you're up to.

- I know what you're doing here.
- You do?

Yes and don't try to
worm your way out Herbert.

You're just trying to avoid

the annual family
meeting this afternoon.

Oh darn sis you knew.

Oh come on, this year
you must get to the meeting.

If somebody doesn't
stand up to Uncle Randolph

he'll take control
of everything.

Oh I don't know,
is that so important,

Uncle Randolph is a
decent sort of a chap.

He is an overbearing tyrant.

I always find him
rather aggressive,

but he has been good to me.

Herbert, he's treated
you abominably.

You know I never
trusted him all the way.

- Then you'll be there.
- Well I'd like to sis but.

Herbert, you're my only
brother and I love you.

- And I love you.
- Your sister loves you Herbert.

I know, I know I love my sister.

Oh, I have been a weak,
knee jellyfish and this one time

when you could really help
your family you won't do it.

Herbert, I'm ashamed of you.

Please sis, don't
cry there must be.

You know Uncle Randolph
always gets his own way

and you could never
do anything about it.

Remember when you were a
little boy and you wanted a bicycle

who wouldn't let you have it?

Uncle Randolph?

And when you were 15 and
wanted to have your curls cut

so you could look like other
boys, who wouldn't let you?

- Uncle Randolph.
- Uncle Randolph!

And when you went away to
college and you wanted a car,

who wouldn't let you have it?
- Uncle Randolph!

And now you won't even come
to the meeting and standup to him.

Who says I won't?

- You will?
- Yes.

That sneaky uncle Randolph is
running this family long enough!

- Oh Herbert.
- Your sister loves you.

I know. I know.

I had no idea that there were
that many quarters in $78.

Ah huh, Bilko.

Oh I'll have a
cup of tea please.

- Good.
- That will be at $52.

- I beg your pardon.
- Look Bilko, don't try any tricks.

Bilko, why does everyone
take me for Bilko?

Because Bilko takes everybody!

But there is some mistake,
my name is not Bilko.

Of course not your name
is Gen. Douglas MacArthur,

Gen. Mark Clark,
Capt. Peter Townsend.

This is Bilko, did he
sign all these checks?

Yes, you did Bilko and
you better pay me my $52

before I call the cops.
- Martin, Martin!

Pay the $52 Sir.

Yes, I guess that would
be the simplest thing to do.

All right I'll pay you. I
don't understand this.

Here, here my man.

Marge, look he's
paying. Take the day off.

It's a holiday. Bilko
paid, Bilko paid.

I don't know what's wrong
with the people in this town,

they must all be crazy.

They keep mistaking me for
some scoundrel named Bilko.

Let's get back to the
hotel and get out of here.

- There you are Ernie Bilko.
- All right miss, how much?

I don't want anything from you.

Well, that is a
novelty isn't it?

I just want to tell you
that the jeweler came

and took the bracelet back.

Bracelet? Heavens what bracelet?

The one you didn't
make the payments on.

You know the one
with the inscription

"To Joan Forever With Love"

you don't even know
the meaning of the word.

Well I must admit I've had
very little experience with it.

I know, people are always
trying to give to you Ernie,

but all you can do is take.

So, I just want to tell you that
I never want to see you again.

Goodbye.

But please, don't,
don't cry, ah Joan.

Joan.

Oh Ernie, why must
it always be like this.

You know how I feel about you.

Don't cry Joan, I'll get
you another bracelet.

Honey, it isn't the bracelet.
It's the kind of person you are.

What kind of a person am I?
Well suppose I tried to change?

- Would you?
- Well I could try.

Suppose we just
have a cup of tea

and perhaps a
stroll in the park?

- A cup of tea?
- A stroll in the Park?

Yes, and then we
can stop at the jewelers

and pick you up that bracelet.

Oh Ernie, you do care for me.

Well let's put it this way,
I care for no other girl.

- Oh Ernie!
- Martin! Martin!

- Okay, okay Bilko.
- I've finally caught up with you.

Now what are you
trying to do with Lucille?

- Lucille?
- Lucille?

Don't try to weasel
out of it, Bilko.

Putting all those
fancy ideas in her head,

trying to make her think
she's too good for a chiropodist.

Oh Jim, don't start any trouble.

I'll start plenty of trouble.

Ernie Bilko, this time
we're really through.

- Oh Joan.
- Just a minute, Romeo.

You've got some
explaining to do.

Now what have you
got against chiropodists?

Martin, Martin?

Let's get on with it.
Let's get on with it.

We all know that
Herbert won't come

and let's get on
with the meeting.

Herbert now
remember your promise.

Dear, just let me handle it.

Well everybody is here I see.

Herbert, aren't you going to
say hello to your Aunt Jennifer?

Well of course I am you dear,

why don't you tell me
you have been to Paris?

Oh but I haven't been to Paris.

Oh but that gown
is a dead giveaway.

So, chic, so daring, the
reeks of the Rue de la Paix.

- Oh did you hear that Hugo.
- Ah, Uncle Hugo.

- How is your wife?
- But I'm not married.

I don't think that
every chorus girl

at the Latin Quarter
doesn't know it.

Chorus girl at
the Latin Quarter?

Oh you sly dog what is
it they call you, Poopsie?

- Poopsie?
- Sshh!

- Not in front of Aunt Jennifer.
- Herbert.

Ah, Uncle Randolph!

- I am Cousin Jasper.
- Well of course you are.

I was just about to say, ah,
uncle Randolph where is he?

Over there talking to Helen.

Oh yes I see, well what are
you doing in such a nice day.

Why aren't you out playing polo?

Herbert, I brought you some
stamps, for your collection.

Oh isn't that sweet,

I'll have such fun pasting this in.
- Herbert.

- Yes.

What did you say
those girls called me?

- Poopsie!
- Poopsie!

Ah, Herbert, you've
finally decided

to come to a family meeting.

That voice that can
belong to one person

Uncle Randolph, am I right?

Herbert you look awful.

Why don't you get some exercise?

Because you wouldn't
buy me a bicycle.

I told you 15 years ago I don't
want to hear anymore about that.

Now let's get this
meeting started.

Meeting, let's all be
seated for the meeting.

The annual meeting of
the Penfield Industries

will now come to order.

Thank you for the
stamps Aunt Jen-Jen.

Well thank you.

Herbert, what did you
say those girls call me?

I'll write it out for
you, it's a little spicy.

I have here some proxies
which I'll pass out to you,

you can sign them over to me

and then we'll consider
the meeting closed.

Oh well what's the hurry,
why don't we chat a bit.

Say, about financial matters?

Oh it is just a lot of figures,

you wouldn't
understand 'em anyway.

Oh it would be a
lot of fun trying to.

- I'd like to hear it.
- Me too.

- This is ridiculous.
- It would take hours.

- Oh no.
- No, it will only take a minute.

It's so intriguing these things.

There it is in black and white,
income, outcome, profit, loss,

oh here is an interesting item,

Randolph Penfield
entertainment expenses, $32,000.

- This is nonsense.
- $32,000 worth of nonsense!

I am the president
of the company,

I don't have to explain anything.
- Randolph you're being unfair.

Hey, dear Aunt Jennifer
let's not be hasty after all

you all elected Uncle
Randolph as president.

We didn't elect him president.

Randolph just told us he was
president and that was that.

That was that? No
democratic election?

May I remind you
all that this is America

and we Penfield's date way back
before the American revolution.

- But what can we do?
- What can we do?

We can exercise our
rights as Americans

and hold a democratic election.

And it's about time there was
some new blood in this outfit.

I move that we vote
for a new president,

would anybody like
to make a nomination?

- How about you Poopsie?
- I mean Uncle Hugo?

Yes, I nominate you,
Herbert Penfield Ill.

Oh bless you that is splendid.

Who would like to
second that nomination?

Aunt Jennifer, oh that
gown is destroying me.

- I second it.
- Bless your heart.

- All those in favor?
- Aye.

- Oh those opposed?
- No.

- And the ayes have it.
- Herbert, you've done it.

You're the new president.

I have no part of
this, I am leaving.

How about a kiss
to the new president.

Herbert, I am so
proud to be your sister.

Yes of course.

I am very, very, yes we are.

All right, here we go. The
meeting will come to an end.

- Mr. President.
- Yes Hugo.

- May I be excused.
- But of course Uncle Hugo.

- One thing more, Herbert.
- Where's the Latin Quarter?

Hello, who is this?
Oh Ralph. Tonight?

Oh I'm not doing anything.

- Sgt. Hogan?
- Yes.

- A package for you.
- Yes, just a minute Ralph.

Oh, thank you. Oh
what's all this about.

- Who is it from?
- I don't know.

- Here, thank you.
- All right.

Why it's the bracelet.

It's from Ernie and
here is the note.

"Dear Joan, I want you to know
that you're the nicest person

I've ever known and I will always
treasure the memory of you.

Please think kindly
of Ernie Bilko."

Aw!

Oh hello Ralph, yeah
well now about tonight,

I just remembered I am busy.

Did you ever spend a
furlough in such a style before?

No, I'd hate to be around when
that guy Penfield gets the bill.

Are you kidding?

He got the biggest bargain
he ever got in his life.

He was in a mess.

I straightened out
everything for him.

I wish somebody would
have the same thing

for me while I was away.

Where do we make the
connections to Roseville, Kansas.

- Track 12.
- What track to New York please.

Track 14.

- Penfield?
- Bilko?

It's him? It's him!

Martin, Martin!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

James Kincaid as the chiropodist

Ann Flood as the girlfriend,

Paul Lipson as Patsy,
Danny Acko as Adamopolis,

Ben Yaffee as the jeweler,

Charles Jordan as the cop

and Lee Krieger as the
information desk attendant.