The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 30 - Bilko's TV Pilot - full transcript
Cowboy Montana Morgan makes friends with Doberman. Duane sends the picture of to CBS & the network ask for a meeting. They want Doberman for a new TV series. Bilko shoots a Western TV pilot with Duane Doberman as his leading man.
(barking orders)
Attention men! Attention!
The time is now 11:00 am.
Here are the details
for this afternoon.
Company B will
report to the rifle range,
Company A will
assemble on the drill field
at 1300 in full field pack.
Company C will police the area
around the
Administration building.
- That is all.
- Yaahooo!
Hey where is everybody? Is this
here the Company B Bunkhouse?
Hey come on over, fellas
come on over and get soldiering.
What is it, a fire drill?
Hey, whoa, whoa boy I didn't
mean to stampede you critters.
- Who are you?
- Yeah what do you want?
Montana Morgan's my handle.
I'm the new replacement.
That's not a mouth
that's a megaphone.
- Yeah what is this?
- I'm Duane Doberman.
Well, howdy partner, I'm
right glad to meet up with you.
- That's Zimmerman.
- Hey, oh hi little fella.
Is he crazy or something?
- That's Cpl. Fender.
- Oh howdy old timer.
Don't stand there, get me a gun.
Hey, which one of
you boys is Sgt. Bilko?
- He's in there.
- Oh thanks I got to report.
Hey Bilko it's me, Montana!
Come on out and
talk for a spell.
Yaaahoo!
- What's going on here?
- Howdy Sarge.
All right Sarge,
I'm right friendly.
Who is he? Who is he?
How much do I owe him?
He's the new replacement.
His name is Morgan
Morgan, what's the idea
with that get-up Morgan?
Oh shucks call me Montana.
Everybody else does, I just
come off one of them leaves.
My G.I duds are over
there in my saddle bag.
Hey, which one of
them bunks is mine?
Zimmy, put him in a
bunk next to Paparelli.
Oh thanks Sarge.
Which one is it Zimmy?
Put me down, if I wanted to
fly I'd have joined the Air Corps.
Sarge, Sarge,
please not next to me
I'll get a concussion
just from the voice.
Please don't panic, let
me handle these things.
Put him in the bunk next to
Doberman, oh you'll like that.
It's like sleeping
in the old corral.
Oh that'll be fine Sarge.
Just so long as I have a place
to tack up a picture of my idol,
Hoot Gibson.
Hoot, I get him now, Doberman.
Doberman, show him around.
I'll be glad to. Come on.
He's a loud one Sarge.
Sarge, Sarge that boy, just
get rid of him today, please.
Sarge, this is the
Army not a rodeo.
Yaahoo!
Sarge, he's gonna
be a lot of trouble.
Whadda ya want from me?
It's elective service, relax.
He's a big kid, give him a
few days to get adjust all right,
- BTB.
- BTB?
Back To Bed.
(singing) Where The
Coyotes Howl owwww!
And The Wind Blows Free.
Hey, ain't none of the
rest of you boys hungry?
- Come on.
- Oh shut up!
Rise and shine,
rise and, hey Zimmy,
I don't want to eat by
myself, come on, come on.
- Hey coo-chee coo-chee coo.
- Oh cut that out!
If you ain't a bunch
of lazy coyotes,
what's the matter with you boys?
Don't you know reveille is
gonna blow any minute now?
Well, it's about time.
Shucks, back home I'd been
up and out on the range 2 hours.
Hey, Sarge, will you
come out and call the roll,
so I can head on down
to the chuck wagon.
Hey, come on Sarge,
reveille blowed, da da-da da!
Shucks, he ain't
never coming out.
Where is he?
- Sarge.
- Get me my glasses.
Sarge, now are you convinced?
This has been
going on for 5 days.
Sarge, this guy's a nut.
He gets up at 5
o'clock in the morning,
So he can play his guitar.
Who needs that cuffing
around in those boots?
Will you relax?
Sarge will you look, look one
shoulder lower than the other
from those clouts on the back.
- All right, now look.
- He keeps picking me up.
I got 8 hours flying time.
Stop it, we'll get rid of him.
Aw, let him stay Sarge.
Montana and me is buddy.
That figures.
He's never heard a
talking horse before.
Now wait, how do
we get rid of him?
Grover and Ritzik, you
know how crazy they are
about Westerns on TV.
We'll give 'em a
real live cowboy.
I'll have him transferred
first thing this morning.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
What time is it?
6 o'clock, they
just blew reveille.
Reveille? He woke
us up for a reveille?
Yeah. Oh he's gotta to go.
Ooo! Ooo!
Hey, Francis that
cowboy at the bar
in the dark shirt he's no good.
How do you know?
I remember him from Gunsmoke,
he tried to shoot the
Sheriff in the back.
Watch it, watch it
Marshall he's pulling a gun.
Ooo! I can't look.
It's okay Rupert, he only
shot him in the shoulder.
Which one, the
right or the left?
The left one.
Gee, 4 weeks in a
row the same shoulder.
- Reach for the sky, partner.
- Hey, what is this?
Hey, better do what he
says, he's got the drop on us.
How are you boys,
did he scare you?
Say hello to Montana Morgan,
replacement at the motor pool.
Howdy boys! Howdy!
Hey Francis, a real live cowboy?
Hey, are they real six shooters?
They sure is partner.
Oh he's quicker than
Gene Autry. Thank you.
Better mosey
along it's chow time.
Chow time, see you boys yaahoo!
Adios. Hey Bilko,
you get all the breaks.
Hey, can he ride?
Is he a good shot?
Never mind the
cowboy, look here's what
I came over to see you about.
I'm stuck Rupert.
I need 50 bucks
and I need it bad.
- Can you help me out?
- Nothing doing.
- How about you Francis?
- Are you kidding?
See, when can we come over
and Montana will show
us some rope tricks?
Yeah, maybe he can teach
us how to draw like that.
Oh swell, why don't I have
him transferred over here,
huh, and you can
have him all to yourself.
Look, never mind the cowboy.
I'm saying I need 50 bucks.
I'll do anything for 50 bucks.
- Anything?
- You heard me.
Say if you transfer
the cowboy to my outfit,
I'll give you the 50
bucks free and clear.
Rupert Ritzik, how dare you?
Haven't you even got a
shred of human decency left?
You think those
Sergeants' stripes entitle you
to trade human beings
on a trading block?
May I remind you this
is not ancient Rome,
this is free America
in the 20th century,
and civilized people don't
sell flesh and blood for $50!
- We'll make it $75.
- It's a deal.
I'll transfer him first
thing in the morning.
- Morning Sarge.
- Hey boys.
- Your breakfast Sarge.
- Good boy.
- Peasants restless out there?
- Everything is fine today.
Good, nice and quiet
since that cowboy left, huh?
Sure is, the only one
disappointed is Doberman.
Yeah. Montana was his hero.
He'll get over it just like
he got over King Farouk.
Ernie, did you really
get $75 from Ritzik?
It was a lead pipe cinch
I could have got a $100.
But you know me,
I'm not the greedy type.
- Yaahoo!
- He's back, the cowboy?
- Yaahoo!
- No, it's Doberman.
- Doberman?
- Yaahoo!
What is it, what is it? The
Apaches are attacking?
They robbed the
stagecoach? Well, oh I see,
it's a message from Gen. Custer!
No, it's a letter from CBS.
CBS? You got a letter from CBS.
"Dear Sir, thank you for the
photograph of the cowboy."
Photograph? What photograph?
A picture of Montana,
I think he's the
handsomest cowboy I ever saw.
So, I sent this
picture to CBS. You?
"Thank you, for... our
Casting Department
agrees that he has
considerable TV appeal.
However, a personal
interview would be necessary
before we could commit
ourselves further."
Signed, Hubbell Robinson,
Executive Vice President,
In Charge Of Programming.
Wow! How do you like this?
Look, at this special
delivery airmail.
Hey Sarge, they
sound interested.
Interested?
When CBS spends 36 cents
for postage, they're in love.
We'll move right now.
We've got to get that
cowboy back from Ritzik.
Then what?
Then we saddle up and
head for New York, yaahoo!
Good boy, you sent... very
good. Good thinking Duane.
Really on the ball
eh right, Sarge?
You're not only on the
ball, you're behind the ball.
- Oh howdy Sarge.
- What do you want Bilko?
What do you want? What
kinda tone is that to use?
Where is your Western
hospitality partner?
I paid you 75 bucks.
We ain't no partners.
- How are you boy?
- Aw I'm feelin' might fine, Sarge.
What you got here?
Smells mighty good.
See Rupert, now
what makes you think
nobody around here
likes buffalo soup?
Look, Montana.
Come on now you leave us alone.
Will you please, will you?
What's wrong with you?
You don't look happy.
He doesn't look
good, does he boys?
Look, if you miss
the Motor Pool I can...
Oh Sarge, I...
Come on you made a deal,
now you leave us two alone.
Okay, okay I'm gone.
But before I go let me
tell you something Rupert,
if you want to stay friends
with me don't you ever,
but I mean don't you ever again
say anything
against Hoot Gibson.
What did he say about Hoot?
Never mind, Montana
it's my own private fight.
- What are you talking about?
- What, what did he say?
I don't even want to repeat it.
Saying that Hoot
Gibson rides side saddle.
- He said that?
- I never said those words.
I suppose you didn't call Hoot
a yellow-bellied,
lilly-livered, cowardly coyote.
Why you?
No Montana it ain't worthwhile
getting' upset about it.
Sarge, if it's all
the same to you.
I'm heading on back
to the Motor Pool,
before I get myself
hung for murder.
Don't blame you son.
Hey Montana, where you going?
Oh shut up, you've said enough.
Here's your $75 back,
Montana wait for me.
But Bilko.
Eat your buffalo soup
you, you Easterner.
Sarge, I just don't feel
right about this whole thang.
I ain't never play acted before.
Look, there's nothing to it
I rehearsed you
time and time again.
Now let's try it again.
- Hello, cowboy?
- Howdy.
- You new in town?
- Yup.
- Would you like to be Sheriff?
- Nope.
Simple.
Sarge I just can't see how
this is gonna hold up 39 weeks.
It held up Gary
Cooper for 39 years.
Hub you wanted to see me?
Harry, that cowboy from
Kansas is outside with his agent.
- You remember the picture?
- Oh yes.
I think he's just right
for the comedy relief
in our new series,
"Ranch-house 90."
He's perfect.
Umm, short, fat
and funny looking,
sort of a Western sad sack.
He'll see me.
Hi gentlemen I know you're
busy, let's get right to it.
I'm Ernest G. Bilko,
Montana's personal manager.
- I'm Harry Ommerle.
- Har, how are you Har?
- And this Hubbell Robinson.
- Hub, good to see you Hub.
How are you Mr. Bilko?
Mr. Bilko come now
we're all in show biz,
you can call me Ernie.
Well very well, then you
can call me, Mr. Robinson.
I like that quality
in a top executive.
Cool, aloof businesslike,
keeps people
from getting too familiar,
am I right Hub, huh?
Bilko, about this
cowboy of yours.
Hold, hold it pal, don't
steam roller me pal.
I'm an old hand at this.
Before we sign any
contract there's a few things
we've gotta settle.
Now script approval,
dressing rooms, billing.
Now just a moment Bilko.
Look, pal he who
hesitates is lost.
May I remind you gentlemen
there is another network,
all I've got to do is give
Dave Sarnoff a buzz pal...
Oh why fight this, look at
this guy picture, he's perfect.
Look at those magnificent
shoulders, this is the man.
Bilko, we've got a thousand
like him in our casting files.
Shrewd, shrewd, trying to
keep the price down, huh?
No wonder they call you
"The Fox In The
Grey Flannel Suit."
I like you pal, like you pal.
Bilko, you don't understand,
this is the cowboy
we're interested in.
- Doberman?
- He is a cowboy, isn't he?
Oh you mean Tex
Doberman, of course.
All right, we are
prepared to offer you
$250 a week for his services.
$250 a week, may I remind you,
that's less than a dollar
a pound for Doberman.
Excuse me.
Yes, put him on.
It's Garfield about the
new Western Series.
The first film is sensational.
He is asking
$300,000 for the pilot,
but I think I can beat him down.
Hello, Sid, yes, yes.
I know you made
the pilot yourself
and that puts you
in the driver's seat
but a capital gains setup will
leave you $200,000 tax free.
All right Sir, you win,
bring the pilot in next week.
- Now then Bilko.
- Hold it, hold Hub.
Pretty shrewd, huh?
Almost got a million
dollar property
for a lousy $250 a week, huh?
- What?
I'll see you in a couple of
weeks pal with the TV pilot film.
What pilot film?
Next season's No.1
television show,
Tales of Tex Doberman!
Why can't they go to
NBC once in a while,
why do we get all the weirdos?
Doberman?
Why can't we shoot the
pilot right here in Roseville?
Doberman a cowboy?
Why should we work for salary?
We can own the whole
show and the star.
- Doberman a star?
- Why not?
All those other cowboys
stars on TV they all look alike.
They're all stereotypes.
Doberman is at least different.
Oh I'll say he's different.
Do you mind if I take Hubbell
Robinson's word against yours.
But Ernie look, he
can't act, he can't ride.
He can't shoot and he's short.
Oh I suppose Gary
Cooper is tall, huh?
Make up, it's all make up.
A studio knows very little about
the technical end of pictures
- The tricks you have to do.
- All right, just a minute now.
Where're we gonna get
the cameras, the lights,
the film and all that stuff?
Does it occur to you that
only about a month ago
the Signal Corps shot a
picture right here in Ft. Baxter?
Yeah.
And they left their equipment
in the shack behind
the Quartermasters.
Oh but Sarge, Coogan
could get in a lot of trouble
if he gave us that stuff.
I'm sorry he's gotta take
the same chances we take,
if he wants to be an
Associate Producer.
You mean Coogan is going
to be the Associate Producer?
Yeah, yeah leave
it to the old Sarge..
I ever let you down? Come on.
Look, Bilko, I'm responsible
for that equipment
and it don't leave here
unless I get a requisition
from the Colonel.
He's shrewd, he's shrewd!
He knows he's got me.
He knows I've got to give in.
Okay I promise you
on my word of honor.
The credits in that picture will
read "Produced by J. J. Coogan."
Oh I can just see it that
night at the Waldorf Astoria
in the main Ball Room packed
with the television industry,
breathlessly awaiting
television's most coveted award,
as the master of ceremonies
steps down that rostrum
and the house lights dim,
he says ladies and gentlemen
and now for the best
new half hour show
the Academy of Television
Arts and Sciences
proudly presents this
gold statue to J.J Coogan
Proud, hey J.J?
Get lost Bilko.
I'm not getting busted to
Private for no imaginary statue.
Why don't you relax, when I...
Sgt. Coogan speaking.
Will you, will you.
Oh hello honey.. So
long Bilko I'm busy.
Yeah, yeah Hilda sure I'll
take you roller skating tonight.
You know I'd do anything
in the world for you.
- Ah huh!
- You just say the word and I'll go.
Look, he just said he'd do
anything in the world for her.
- So?
- Show me the dame,
who don't wanna
be in the movies?
Huh?
Gentlemen a glamorous new
movie star's about to be born.
- Where are we going to find her?
- Hilda?
Where she always is,
slinging hash in Harry's Diner.
The big money men were
thrilled when I told 'em
I can bring the picture
in for under $50,000
and CBS are in the
sky when I told them
that we'll shoot the picture
right here in Roseville.
- Wonderful.
- Hello Hilda?
Did you hear from Hollywood E.B?
Oh yes, Liz Taylor
wants to do the picture.
Hayworth'll do it for nothing,
just for the opportunity
but I turned them both down.
I want someone
young, someone new,
someone vivacious with a voice
that'll tug at your
heart strings.
What's it gonna be, Bilko?
I want, who said that?
Did you say, will you
say that again please?
- Huh?
- No, no what you just said.
I'll put her at her ease.
What kind of pies do you have?
We got Apple, Cherry, Blueberry.
Do, do.. would you
say that slower please.
Boysenberry, Banana Cream...
That's it.
I haven't heard a voice like
that since Katherine Hepburn.
Would you say this after
me -"These are the blue...
Say that in your own way.
But E.B, you already
promised Debbie Reynolds.
Debbie is out of
luck, I'm the producer
and I'll make the decisions.
Oh I expected you
to fight me on this.
But I ask you to be
fair, just look, look.
I tell you it's her. It's her.
What's going on here?
Of course, oh what a great
publicity stunt this will make.
Dorothy Lamour was
discovered running an elevator.
Lana Turner was
found in a drug store,
and now from under the
counter, Hilda Papofsky.
- I don't get it.
- I'll level with you Hilda.
I've been commissioned
by CBS to shoot a picture
right here in Roseville
and I haven't as yet
got the feminine lead and you,
you have stardust all over you.
- You mean it?
- Yes I mean it.
You'll be on the set Friday
at 9 o'clock in the morning.
Sure, but I gotta be back
here in time for the lunch hour.
It's worth it. We'll
shoot around you.
Gee, me in a movie,
I can't believe it.
Oh it's only the
beginning, Hilda.
Just think of your own fan club,
a home in Beverly
Hills, all the splendid...
Ah huh. What's the matter E.B?
Just remembered
Coogan, if he doesn't
release the equipment
to us, we're sunk.
- That's right.
- We're out of business.
- Out of business.
- What about Coogan?
Don't trouble your dear
little head about it darling.
This is a production problem.
You just worry about the acting.
Coogan will do
anything I ask him to do.
- You mean you can help us?
- Sure.
That fathead ain't
gonna hold up my career.
I'll make it up in close-ups.
Come gentlemen, there's
a lot of details to work out.
- Yes E.B.
- What should I do?
Oh dear practice your diction,
you know recite the pies,
Boysenberry,
Banana Cream, Apple.
Boysenberry,
Banana Cream, Apple.
Set is almost finished Sarge.
Almost ain't good enough,
we shoot tomorrow.
Move it Paparelli,
move it, come on.
- Where was I?
- Outside the salon.
Oh yeah. The
Sheriff's still talking.
He says "Nellie, I love you
and no matter what happens,
I will always love you."
- What does Nellie say?
- Nothing.
She just stands there flicking
her tail and pawing the ground.
Hey Sarge, Sarge,
the costume place,
they want $11 more or they're
gonna take all the costumes back.
$11 more? We're $28
over the budget now.
- Where's Tex Doberman?
- Montana's rehearsing him outside.
Rehearsing him?
Reach for the sky,
okay now Dobie you try.
Reach, reach, reach for the sky.
What's the matter Sarge?
Nah, Hubbell Robinson
couldn't be wrong.
All right this is a picture.
You've all got your
assigned duties.
All right, get those
glasses, get the prop.
Where are my actors for this?
- Actors are on set.
- Get on your places all right.
Now everybody on
the... where's Paparelli!
- Paparelli!
- Yes Sarge.
Did you get the horse
for Tex Doberman?
I couldn't rent one
anywhere, Sarge.
He couldn't rent one.
But I found this in
a shop in Roseville.
Okay, take the antlers
off, and we'll fake it.
- Good.
- All right everybody on the ball!
Hey, Bilko, are you
ready for Hilda yet?
Who? Hilda, oh we're
not quite ready for her
please get her off the set.
She'll drive the men wild.
- When am I gonna get the script?
- You'll get a script, get along.
But I can't work
without a script.
Why is everything
on my shoulders,
Fender you know how
to work the camera?
- I think so.
- Are you sure?
With 6 kids I took
plenty of home movies.
Good boy.
This is going to be a picture,
everybody, all right, places.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Now get right down, be natural,
the camera will get everybody.
- Montana you know your cue.
- Sure do.
On the ball everybody, roll it.
Rolling.
Sticks
Tales of Tex Doberman,
scene 5, take one.
Action!
Duck everybody, here come err,
well what's that name again Sarge?
His name is Ringo. Ringo.
Will you please? You
want to do this part?
Well get off and do it right.
- Ringo.
- Places everybody.
Everything all
right. All right, roll it.
Natural, I want naturalism
and I want business at the bar,
bartender, first... what are
you doing there, get out of there!
Zimmerman get out of there.
All right quiet. Action!
Duck everybody here comes Ringo!
Listen Bilko,
when am I going to.
This lady's driving me up...
would you get her a
script or something.
Well I gotta have a script
I'm not gonna stand here...
Get her off, get her off.
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
I got a great shot of Hilda.
Who the, who wants
Hilda in the picture?
Just give me the
action of the scene,
you sure you know
how to run this thing?
- Yeah.
- Is it rolling now?
- Yeah.
- I will use that?
All right, get off. Dust, dust!
Now, hold it. All right, action!
Duck everybody, Ringo.
Help me get rid of this.
You told me you was
the producer of the show,
you are supposed to
give me something...
Do me a favour, pay her off.
- Give her a contract.
- Why pay me off?
- You'll get... Will
you get her off the set?
- I'm the producer!
- Yes, your name is up there...
Fender.
Do me a favor; no more
retakes we're running out of film,
I've got have this pilot
in New York by Monday.
Try...
Where's the light, light!
Turn them down.
Oh you'll love
this pilot film Hub.
It is a little shaky in spots
but Doberman's character
comes through great.
We'll see Bilko.
Any time you're
ready Mr. Robinson.
We're ready now Leonard.
Roll it anytime Leonard.
Who Made Billy The
Kid Turn Tail And Run?
Who Shot Johnny
Ringo Just For Fun?
Who Taught Wyatt
Earp How To Use A Gun?
Doberman, Tex Doberman.
I hear Tex Doberman is
coming to town this afternoon.
They say he's the
fastest gun in the West.
Oh, I better get outta here
I've got a wife and 6 kids.
Shut up and deal.
(Neighing)
Ooh! Ooh! It's him!
Gimme a shot of red eye.
Whiskey please?
I always like to make a brief
appearance in all of my films,
I understand Hitchcock does it.
It's a sort of identification.
Well us law abiding citizens
think that this town
needs a new Sheriff.
Somebody like you.
Give me a lump of sugar.
That's a good horse.
Hurry Ringo is coming.
Hello Ringo.
So, it's you Tex Doberman.
Yeah, Ringo you
and me, and this town
ain't big enough
for the both of us.
Oh wait'll you see the
second reel Hub, Hub?
Harry? Hensh?
Where'd they..?
Hensh? Rocco?
Well you tried, you tried.
Never mind the
second reel Leonard.
Leonard?
- Oh those buses.
- Boy, am I tired?
Hey, you're complaining, huh?
I had to stand all the
way from Pittsburgh.
Oh my heart bleeds for you.
I want to thank you both
for deserting me in
the projection room.
Miss, miss!
What'll it be?
3 coffees, please.
What happened to Hilda?
Didn't you hear, some
guy from CBS was in here
and he signed her up.
CBS?
Yes, she was
just right for their
new TV western
series "Frontier Gal."
- Frontier Gal, Hilda?
- Imagine that.
So, what'll it be
with the coffee,
we got Apple Pie,
Pumpkin Pie, Blueberry.
Hold on, hold it.
Little slower please, slower.
Quince, Prune, Boysenberry.
- Come on, Sarge.
- What am I thinking of?
Just the coffee, I
should have known.
Whoever calls himself Hubbell?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Wynn Pearce as Montana Morgan,
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,
Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan,
Jane Dulo as Hilda
and Parker McCormick
as The Waitress.
Attention men! Attention!
The time is now 11:00 am.
Here are the details
for this afternoon.
Company B will
report to the rifle range,
Company A will
assemble on the drill field
at 1300 in full field pack.
Company C will police the area
around the
Administration building.
- That is all.
- Yaahooo!
Hey where is everybody? Is this
here the Company B Bunkhouse?
Hey come on over, fellas
come on over and get soldiering.
What is it, a fire drill?
Hey, whoa, whoa boy I didn't
mean to stampede you critters.
- Who are you?
- Yeah what do you want?
Montana Morgan's my handle.
I'm the new replacement.
That's not a mouth
that's a megaphone.
- Yeah what is this?
- I'm Duane Doberman.
Well, howdy partner, I'm
right glad to meet up with you.
- That's Zimmerman.
- Hey, oh hi little fella.
Is he crazy or something?
- That's Cpl. Fender.
- Oh howdy old timer.
Don't stand there, get me a gun.
Hey, which one of
you boys is Sgt. Bilko?
- He's in there.
- Oh thanks I got to report.
Hey Bilko it's me, Montana!
Come on out and
talk for a spell.
Yaaahoo!
- What's going on here?
- Howdy Sarge.
All right Sarge,
I'm right friendly.
Who is he? Who is he?
How much do I owe him?
He's the new replacement.
His name is Morgan
Morgan, what's the idea
with that get-up Morgan?
Oh shucks call me Montana.
Everybody else does, I just
come off one of them leaves.
My G.I duds are over
there in my saddle bag.
Hey, which one of
them bunks is mine?
Zimmy, put him in a
bunk next to Paparelli.
Oh thanks Sarge.
Which one is it Zimmy?
Put me down, if I wanted to
fly I'd have joined the Air Corps.
Sarge, Sarge,
please not next to me
I'll get a concussion
just from the voice.
Please don't panic, let
me handle these things.
Put him in the bunk next to
Doberman, oh you'll like that.
It's like sleeping
in the old corral.
Oh that'll be fine Sarge.
Just so long as I have a place
to tack up a picture of my idol,
Hoot Gibson.
Hoot, I get him now, Doberman.
Doberman, show him around.
I'll be glad to. Come on.
He's a loud one Sarge.
Sarge, Sarge that boy, just
get rid of him today, please.
Sarge, this is the
Army not a rodeo.
Yaahoo!
Sarge, he's gonna
be a lot of trouble.
Whadda ya want from me?
It's elective service, relax.
He's a big kid, give him a
few days to get adjust all right,
- BTB.
- BTB?
Back To Bed.
(singing) Where The
Coyotes Howl owwww!
And The Wind Blows Free.
Hey, ain't none of the
rest of you boys hungry?
- Come on.
- Oh shut up!
Rise and shine,
rise and, hey Zimmy,
I don't want to eat by
myself, come on, come on.
- Hey coo-chee coo-chee coo.
- Oh cut that out!
If you ain't a bunch
of lazy coyotes,
what's the matter with you boys?
Don't you know reveille is
gonna blow any minute now?
Well, it's about time.
Shucks, back home I'd been
up and out on the range 2 hours.
Hey, Sarge, will you
come out and call the roll,
so I can head on down
to the chuck wagon.
Hey, come on Sarge,
reveille blowed, da da-da da!
Shucks, he ain't
never coming out.
Where is he?
- Sarge.
- Get me my glasses.
Sarge, now are you convinced?
This has been
going on for 5 days.
Sarge, this guy's a nut.
He gets up at 5
o'clock in the morning,
So he can play his guitar.
Who needs that cuffing
around in those boots?
Will you relax?
Sarge will you look, look one
shoulder lower than the other
from those clouts on the back.
- All right, now look.
- He keeps picking me up.
I got 8 hours flying time.
Stop it, we'll get rid of him.
Aw, let him stay Sarge.
Montana and me is buddy.
That figures.
He's never heard a
talking horse before.
Now wait, how do
we get rid of him?
Grover and Ritzik, you
know how crazy they are
about Westerns on TV.
We'll give 'em a
real live cowboy.
I'll have him transferred
first thing this morning.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
What time is it?
6 o'clock, they
just blew reveille.
Reveille? He woke
us up for a reveille?
Yeah. Oh he's gotta to go.
Ooo! Ooo!
Hey, Francis that
cowboy at the bar
in the dark shirt he's no good.
How do you know?
I remember him from Gunsmoke,
he tried to shoot the
Sheriff in the back.
Watch it, watch it
Marshall he's pulling a gun.
Ooo! I can't look.
It's okay Rupert, he only
shot him in the shoulder.
Which one, the
right or the left?
The left one.
Gee, 4 weeks in a
row the same shoulder.
- Reach for the sky, partner.
- Hey, what is this?
Hey, better do what he
says, he's got the drop on us.
How are you boys,
did he scare you?
Say hello to Montana Morgan,
replacement at the motor pool.
Howdy boys! Howdy!
Hey Francis, a real live cowboy?
Hey, are they real six shooters?
They sure is partner.
Oh he's quicker than
Gene Autry. Thank you.
Better mosey
along it's chow time.
Chow time, see you boys yaahoo!
Adios. Hey Bilko,
you get all the breaks.
Hey, can he ride?
Is he a good shot?
Never mind the
cowboy, look here's what
I came over to see you about.
I'm stuck Rupert.
I need 50 bucks
and I need it bad.
- Can you help me out?
- Nothing doing.
- How about you Francis?
- Are you kidding?
See, when can we come over
and Montana will show
us some rope tricks?
Yeah, maybe he can teach
us how to draw like that.
Oh swell, why don't I have
him transferred over here,
huh, and you can
have him all to yourself.
Look, never mind the cowboy.
I'm saying I need 50 bucks.
I'll do anything for 50 bucks.
- Anything?
- You heard me.
Say if you transfer
the cowboy to my outfit,
I'll give you the 50
bucks free and clear.
Rupert Ritzik, how dare you?
Haven't you even got a
shred of human decency left?
You think those
Sergeants' stripes entitle you
to trade human beings
on a trading block?
May I remind you this
is not ancient Rome,
this is free America
in the 20th century,
and civilized people don't
sell flesh and blood for $50!
- We'll make it $75.
- It's a deal.
I'll transfer him first
thing in the morning.
- Morning Sarge.
- Hey boys.
- Your breakfast Sarge.
- Good boy.
- Peasants restless out there?
- Everything is fine today.
Good, nice and quiet
since that cowboy left, huh?
Sure is, the only one
disappointed is Doberman.
Yeah. Montana was his hero.
He'll get over it just like
he got over King Farouk.
Ernie, did you really
get $75 from Ritzik?
It was a lead pipe cinch
I could have got a $100.
But you know me,
I'm not the greedy type.
- Yaahoo!
- He's back, the cowboy?
- Yaahoo!
- No, it's Doberman.
- Doberman?
- Yaahoo!
What is it, what is it? The
Apaches are attacking?
They robbed the
stagecoach? Well, oh I see,
it's a message from Gen. Custer!
No, it's a letter from CBS.
CBS? You got a letter from CBS.
"Dear Sir, thank you for the
photograph of the cowboy."
Photograph? What photograph?
A picture of Montana,
I think he's the
handsomest cowboy I ever saw.
So, I sent this
picture to CBS. You?
"Thank you, for... our
Casting Department
agrees that he has
considerable TV appeal.
However, a personal
interview would be necessary
before we could commit
ourselves further."
Signed, Hubbell Robinson,
Executive Vice President,
In Charge Of Programming.
Wow! How do you like this?
Look, at this special
delivery airmail.
Hey Sarge, they
sound interested.
Interested?
When CBS spends 36 cents
for postage, they're in love.
We'll move right now.
We've got to get that
cowboy back from Ritzik.
Then what?
Then we saddle up and
head for New York, yaahoo!
Good boy, you sent... very
good. Good thinking Duane.
Really on the ball
eh right, Sarge?
You're not only on the
ball, you're behind the ball.
- Oh howdy Sarge.
- What do you want Bilko?
What do you want? What
kinda tone is that to use?
Where is your Western
hospitality partner?
I paid you 75 bucks.
We ain't no partners.
- How are you boy?
- Aw I'm feelin' might fine, Sarge.
What you got here?
Smells mighty good.
See Rupert, now
what makes you think
nobody around here
likes buffalo soup?
Look, Montana.
Come on now you leave us alone.
Will you please, will you?
What's wrong with you?
You don't look happy.
He doesn't look
good, does he boys?
Look, if you miss
the Motor Pool I can...
Oh Sarge, I...
Come on you made a deal,
now you leave us two alone.
Okay, okay I'm gone.
But before I go let me
tell you something Rupert,
if you want to stay friends
with me don't you ever,
but I mean don't you ever again
say anything
against Hoot Gibson.
What did he say about Hoot?
Never mind, Montana
it's my own private fight.
- What are you talking about?
- What, what did he say?
I don't even want to repeat it.
Saying that Hoot
Gibson rides side saddle.
- He said that?
- I never said those words.
I suppose you didn't call Hoot
a yellow-bellied,
lilly-livered, cowardly coyote.
Why you?
No Montana it ain't worthwhile
getting' upset about it.
Sarge, if it's all
the same to you.
I'm heading on back
to the Motor Pool,
before I get myself
hung for murder.
Don't blame you son.
Hey Montana, where you going?
Oh shut up, you've said enough.
Here's your $75 back,
Montana wait for me.
But Bilko.
Eat your buffalo soup
you, you Easterner.
Sarge, I just don't feel
right about this whole thang.
I ain't never play acted before.
Look, there's nothing to it
I rehearsed you
time and time again.
Now let's try it again.
- Hello, cowboy?
- Howdy.
- You new in town?
- Yup.
- Would you like to be Sheriff?
- Nope.
Simple.
Sarge I just can't see how
this is gonna hold up 39 weeks.
It held up Gary
Cooper for 39 years.
Hub you wanted to see me?
Harry, that cowboy from
Kansas is outside with his agent.
- You remember the picture?
- Oh yes.
I think he's just right
for the comedy relief
in our new series,
"Ranch-house 90."
He's perfect.
Umm, short, fat
and funny looking,
sort of a Western sad sack.
He'll see me.
Hi gentlemen I know you're
busy, let's get right to it.
I'm Ernest G. Bilko,
Montana's personal manager.
- I'm Harry Ommerle.
- Har, how are you Har?
- And this Hubbell Robinson.
- Hub, good to see you Hub.
How are you Mr. Bilko?
Mr. Bilko come now
we're all in show biz,
you can call me Ernie.
Well very well, then you
can call me, Mr. Robinson.
I like that quality
in a top executive.
Cool, aloof businesslike,
keeps people
from getting too familiar,
am I right Hub, huh?
Bilko, about this
cowboy of yours.
Hold, hold it pal, don't
steam roller me pal.
I'm an old hand at this.
Before we sign any
contract there's a few things
we've gotta settle.
Now script approval,
dressing rooms, billing.
Now just a moment Bilko.
Look, pal he who
hesitates is lost.
May I remind you gentlemen
there is another network,
all I've got to do is give
Dave Sarnoff a buzz pal...
Oh why fight this, look at
this guy picture, he's perfect.
Look at those magnificent
shoulders, this is the man.
Bilko, we've got a thousand
like him in our casting files.
Shrewd, shrewd, trying to
keep the price down, huh?
No wonder they call you
"The Fox In The
Grey Flannel Suit."
I like you pal, like you pal.
Bilko, you don't understand,
this is the cowboy
we're interested in.
- Doberman?
- He is a cowboy, isn't he?
Oh you mean Tex
Doberman, of course.
All right, we are
prepared to offer you
$250 a week for his services.
$250 a week, may I remind you,
that's less than a dollar
a pound for Doberman.
Excuse me.
Yes, put him on.
It's Garfield about the
new Western Series.
The first film is sensational.
He is asking
$300,000 for the pilot,
but I think I can beat him down.
Hello, Sid, yes, yes.
I know you made
the pilot yourself
and that puts you
in the driver's seat
but a capital gains setup will
leave you $200,000 tax free.
All right Sir, you win,
bring the pilot in next week.
- Now then Bilko.
- Hold it, hold Hub.
Pretty shrewd, huh?
Almost got a million
dollar property
for a lousy $250 a week, huh?
- What?
I'll see you in a couple of
weeks pal with the TV pilot film.
What pilot film?
Next season's No.1
television show,
Tales of Tex Doberman!
Why can't they go to
NBC once in a while,
why do we get all the weirdos?
Doberman?
Why can't we shoot the
pilot right here in Roseville?
Doberman a cowboy?
Why should we work for salary?
We can own the whole
show and the star.
- Doberman a star?
- Why not?
All those other cowboys
stars on TV they all look alike.
They're all stereotypes.
Doberman is at least different.
Oh I'll say he's different.
Do you mind if I take Hubbell
Robinson's word against yours.
But Ernie look, he
can't act, he can't ride.
He can't shoot and he's short.
Oh I suppose Gary
Cooper is tall, huh?
Make up, it's all make up.
A studio knows very little about
the technical end of pictures
- The tricks you have to do.
- All right, just a minute now.
Where're we gonna get
the cameras, the lights,
the film and all that stuff?
Does it occur to you that
only about a month ago
the Signal Corps shot a
picture right here in Ft. Baxter?
Yeah.
And they left their equipment
in the shack behind
the Quartermasters.
Oh but Sarge, Coogan
could get in a lot of trouble
if he gave us that stuff.
I'm sorry he's gotta take
the same chances we take,
if he wants to be an
Associate Producer.
You mean Coogan is going
to be the Associate Producer?
Yeah, yeah leave
it to the old Sarge..
I ever let you down? Come on.
Look, Bilko, I'm responsible
for that equipment
and it don't leave here
unless I get a requisition
from the Colonel.
He's shrewd, he's shrewd!
He knows he's got me.
He knows I've got to give in.
Okay I promise you
on my word of honor.
The credits in that picture will
read "Produced by J. J. Coogan."
Oh I can just see it that
night at the Waldorf Astoria
in the main Ball Room packed
with the television industry,
breathlessly awaiting
television's most coveted award,
as the master of ceremonies
steps down that rostrum
and the house lights dim,
he says ladies and gentlemen
and now for the best
new half hour show
the Academy of Television
Arts and Sciences
proudly presents this
gold statue to J.J Coogan
Proud, hey J.J?
Get lost Bilko.
I'm not getting busted to
Private for no imaginary statue.
Why don't you relax, when I...
Sgt. Coogan speaking.
Will you, will you.
Oh hello honey.. So
long Bilko I'm busy.
Yeah, yeah Hilda sure I'll
take you roller skating tonight.
You know I'd do anything
in the world for you.
- Ah huh!
- You just say the word and I'll go.
Look, he just said he'd do
anything in the world for her.
- So?
- Show me the dame,
who don't wanna
be in the movies?
Huh?
Gentlemen a glamorous new
movie star's about to be born.
- Where are we going to find her?
- Hilda?
Where she always is,
slinging hash in Harry's Diner.
The big money men were
thrilled when I told 'em
I can bring the picture
in for under $50,000
and CBS are in the
sky when I told them
that we'll shoot the picture
right here in Roseville.
- Wonderful.
- Hello Hilda?
Did you hear from Hollywood E.B?
Oh yes, Liz Taylor
wants to do the picture.
Hayworth'll do it for nothing,
just for the opportunity
but I turned them both down.
I want someone
young, someone new,
someone vivacious with a voice
that'll tug at your
heart strings.
What's it gonna be, Bilko?
I want, who said that?
Did you say, will you
say that again please?
- Huh?
- No, no what you just said.
I'll put her at her ease.
What kind of pies do you have?
We got Apple, Cherry, Blueberry.
Do, do.. would you
say that slower please.
Boysenberry, Banana Cream...
That's it.
I haven't heard a voice like
that since Katherine Hepburn.
Would you say this after
me -"These are the blue...
Say that in your own way.
But E.B, you already
promised Debbie Reynolds.
Debbie is out of
luck, I'm the producer
and I'll make the decisions.
Oh I expected you
to fight me on this.
But I ask you to be
fair, just look, look.
I tell you it's her. It's her.
What's going on here?
Of course, oh what a great
publicity stunt this will make.
Dorothy Lamour was
discovered running an elevator.
Lana Turner was
found in a drug store,
and now from under the
counter, Hilda Papofsky.
- I don't get it.
- I'll level with you Hilda.
I've been commissioned
by CBS to shoot a picture
right here in Roseville
and I haven't as yet
got the feminine lead and you,
you have stardust all over you.
- You mean it?
- Yes I mean it.
You'll be on the set Friday
at 9 o'clock in the morning.
Sure, but I gotta be back
here in time for the lunch hour.
It's worth it. We'll
shoot around you.
Gee, me in a movie,
I can't believe it.
Oh it's only the
beginning, Hilda.
Just think of your own fan club,
a home in Beverly
Hills, all the splendid...
Ah huh. What's the matter E.B?
Just remembered
Coogan, if he doesn't
release the equipment
to us, we're sunk.
- That's right.
- We're out of business.
- Out of business.
- What about Coogan?
Don't trouble your dear
little head about it darling.
This is a production problem.
You just worry about the acting.
Coogan will do
anything I ask him to do.
- You mean you can help us?
- Sure.
That fathead ain't
gonna hold up my career.
I'll make it up in close-ups.
Come gentlemen, there's
a lot of details to work out.
- Yes E.B.
- What should I do?
Oh dear practice your diction,
you know recite the pies,
Boysenberry,
Banana Cream, Apple.
Boysenberry,
Banana Cream, Apple.
Set is almost finished Sarge.
Almost ain't good enough,
we shoot tomorrow.
Move it Paparelli,
move it, come on.
- Where was I?
- Outside the salon.
Oh yeah. The
Sheriff's still talking.
He says "Nellie, I love you
and no matter what happens,
I will always love you."
- What does Nellie say?
- Nothing.
She just stands there flicking
her tail and pawing the ground.
Hey Sarge, Sarge,
the costume place,
they want $11 more or they're
gonna take all the costumes back.
$11 more? We're $28
over the budget now.
- Where's Tex Doberman?
- Montana's rehearsing him outside.
Rehearsing him?
Reach for the sky,
okay now Dobie you try.
Reach, reach, reach for the sky.
What's the matter Sarge?
Nah, Hubbell Robinson
couldn't be wrong.
All right this is a picture.
You've all got your
assigned duties.
All right, get those
glasses, get the prop.
Where are my actors for this?
- Actors are on set.
- Get on your places all right.
Now everybody on
the... where's Paparelli!
- Paparelli!
- Yes Sarge.
Did you get the horse
for Tex Doberman?
I couldn't rent one
anywhere, Sarge.
He couldn't rent one.
But I found this in
a shop in Roseville.
Okay, take the antlers
off, and we'll fake it.
- Good.
- All right everybody on the ball!
Hey, Bilko, are you
ready for Hilda yet?
Who? Hilda, oh we're
not quite ready for her
please get her off the set.
She'll drive the men wild.
- When am I gonna get the script?
- You'll get a script, get along.
But I can't work
without a script.
Why is everything
on my shoulders,
Fender you know how
to work the camera?
- I think so.
- Are you sure?
With 6 kids I took
plenty of home movies.
Good boy.
This is going to be a picture,
everybody, all right, places.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Now get right down, be natural,
the camera will get everybody.
- Montana you know your cue.
- Sure do.
On the ball everybody, roll it.
Rolling.
Sticks
Tales of Tex Doberman,
scene 5, take one.
Action!
Duck everybody, here come err,
well what's that name again Sarge?
His name is Ringo. Ringo.
Will you please? You
want to do this part?
Well get off and do it right.
- Ringo.
- Places everybody.
Everything all
right. All right, roll it.
Natural, I want naturalism
and I want business at the bar,
bartender, first... what are
you doing there, get out of there!
Zimmerman get out of there.
All right quiet. Action!
Duck everybody here comes Ringo!
Listen Bilko,
when am I going to.
This lady's driving me up...
would you get her a
script or something.
Well I gotta have a script
I'm not gonna stand here...
Get her off, get her off.
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
I got a great shot of Hilda.
Who the, who wants
Hilda in the picture?
Just give me the
action of the scene,
you sure you know
how to run this thing?
- Yeah.
- Is it rolling now?
- Yeah.
- I will use that?
All right, get off. Dust, dust!
Now, hold it. All right, action!
Duck everybody, Ringo.
Help me get rid of this.
You told me you was
the producer of the show,
you are supposed to
give me something...
Do me a favour, pay her off.
- Give her a contract.
- Why pay me off?
- You'll get... Will
you get her off the set?
- I'm the producer!
- Yes, your name is up there...
Fender.
Do me a favor; no more
retakes we're running out of film,
I've got have this pilot
in New York by Monday.
Try...
Where's the light, light!
Turn them down.
Oh you'll love
this pilot film Hub.
It is a little shaky in spots
but Doberman's character
comes through great.
We'll see Bilko.
Any time you're
ready Mr. Robinson.
We're ready now Leonard.
Roll it anytime Leonard.
Who Made Billy The
Kid Turn Tail And Run?
Who Shot Johnny
Ringo Just For Fun?
Who Taught Wyatt
Earp How To Use A Gun?
Doberman, Tex Doberman.
I hear Tex Doberman is
coming to town this afternoon.
They say he's the
fastest gun in the West.
Oh, I better get outta here
I've got a wife and 6 kids.
Shut up and deal.
(Neighing)
Ooh! Ooh! It's him!
Gimme a shot of red eye.
Whiskey please?
I always like to make a brief
appearance in all of my films,
I understand Hitchcock does it.
It's a sort of identification.
Well us law abiding citizens
think that this town
needs a new Sheriff.
Somebody like you.
Give me a lump of sugar.
That's a good horse.
Hurry Ringo is coming.
Hello Ringo.
So, it's you Tex Doberman.
Yeah, Ringo you
and me, and this town
ain't big enough
for the both of us.
Oh wait'll you see the
second reel Hub, Hub?
Harry? Hensh?
Where'd they..?
Hensh? Rocco?
Well you tried, you tried.
Never mind the
second reel Leonard.
Leonard?
- Oh those buses.
- Boy, am I tired?
Hey, you're complaining, huh?
I had to stand all the
way from Pittsburgh.
Oh my heart bleeds for you.
I want to thank you both
for deserting me in
the projection room.
Miss, miss!
What'll it be?
3 coffees, please.
What happened to Hilda?
Didn't you hear, some
guy from CBS was in here
and he signed her up.
CBS?
Yes, she was
just right for their
new TV western
series "Frontier Gal."
- Frontier Gal, Hilda?
- Imagine that.
So, what'll it be
with the coffee,
we got Apple Pie,
Pumpkin Pie, Blueberry.
Hold on, hold it.
Little slower please, slower.
Quince, Prune, Boysenberry.
- Come on, Sarge.
- What am I thinking of?
Just the coffee, I
should have known.
Whoever calls himself Hubbell?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Wynn Pearce as Montana Morgan,
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,
Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan,
Jane Dulo as Hilda
and Parker McCormick
as The Waitress.