The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 29 - Operation Love - full transcript

Spring is the season for
lovers all over the world.

It's a time of sweet magic
when hearts beat faster

and memories are born.

It's a happy time of awakening,
discovery and companionship.

It's a time when a boy
can find a whole new world

gazing into the eyes of a girl.

Darling, darling,
tell me once more.

Oh this is the moment
I've waited for all my life.

It's finally happened to me.

Once in a lifetime
thing... a Royal Flush.

I knew it. I knew it.



Hush Ritzik, this
is a sacred moment.

Don't touch 'em.

I'm gonna have 'em bronzed.

Rocco break open a new deck.

I'm quitting, I got a date.

- Me too.
- Sit down Coogan.

Where are you going Grovie?

You can't quit
when you're ahead.

But Ernie I only won 35
cents beside Evelyn is waiting.

Let her wait, it'll do her good.

Sit down.

But Ernie a girl
expects a little affection.

All right I'll whisper
those 3 little words to you.

Deal the cards.



Oh Evelyn have you seen Coogan?

No have you seen Grover,

I've been waiting an hour
and half for that big ape.

Oh when I see him...

Maybe something happened to him.

Don't try to cheer me up.

Ooh I'm so fed
up, I could scream.

Me too.

All right gentlemen
get your bets down.

On the 4, on the 7.

Here we go.

4, 4, 4.7, 7, 7.

No.11 black.

All right gentlemen
get your bets in

the house can't
be lucky all night.

Count me out Sarge, I
gotta go meet my girl.

Meet your.. you're gonna leave
in the middle of the festivities?

But I was supposed
to be there at 7:30.

7:30 that's when my date is for.

Hey I gotta meet my girl too.

7:30, 7:30 Henshaw,
it just occurs to me.

7 and 30 those are
the only 2 numbers

that didn't come up tonight.

- You remember Ernie.
- Yes shh.

Good night Paparelli,
say hallo to your girl.

Good night fellas.

Oh no you don't
I've gotta a hunch.

2 bucks on 7, 2 bucks on a 30.

Why don't you keep
your big mouth shut.

Now we'll have a lot of trouble,

because everybody will be
lucky because you had to tell them.

Pvt. Paparelli isn't
in the dayroom.

Well you try the P.X, he's
gotta be somewhere on the post.

Yes I'd like to leave a
message for Pvt. Mullen,

just tell him Alice called and
she'll never speak to him again.

How's that?

Fender you're a
doll it's shiny enough.

Ah you mussed it up.

Hold still will you.

This is the night, the
USO Spring Dance!

I can't wait to sink my feet
into that Cha Cha Cha Cha.

Come on you guys,
the gals are waiting.

Oh boy, I've been saving
my strength all week.

Yeah now all you
have to do is meet a girl

who knows the Turkey Trot.

Oh what are we
waiting for let's get going

Well thanks for the dance
Selma and now if you'll excuse me

I'll go home and
cry myself to sleep.

Ah this is ridiculous what's
with the men around here.

Why aren't we
seeing any of them?

I don't know about
the rest of you girls

but I'm fed up with Fort Baxter.

- Me too.
- So am I?

There must be better
Army camps than this.

Listen I've got a cousin
at Camp Crawford

who has so many dates,
she uses up 5 lipsticks a week.

Yeah, I know a girl who
spends furloughs there.

Well that's for me.

The rest of you
can have Sgt. Bilko

and his nights at the poker table.
- Yeah.

You know what I'm putting
in for my transfer on Monday.

- Me too.
- That's a good idea.

Let's go.

Sarge, Sarge you can't do that.

What's with can't. I don't
accept the word 'can't'.

I gotta get those 5 guys off
Guard Duty for the game tonight.

Everybody else is tapped out.

But how are you gonna get Edna

to change the duty roster?

With one little
word called charm.

A little kiss on the cheek,

a little tweak of the
ear leave it to me.

No, no don't fight me on this,
I tell you Edna will be perfect

for the queen of
the Beaus Arts Ball.

But Sarge you promised it...

I know I promised Nancy but
I'm tired of baby-faced blondes

I want the mature
classic beauty of Edna.

- Ernie.
- I know she can hear.

Beautiful women
likes compliments.

- She!
- Who's she?

Her name is Mike Slattery

and she's gonna punch
you right in the nose.

Hold it!

You hit a man with
glasses you get 20 years.

What happened? Where,
where are all the WACs?

- Beat it Mac, I'm busy.
- What's going on here?

Where's... Edna?

Did you find out anything?

We checked with
personnel, Ernie,

over 50 WACs transferred
out in the last 2 weeks.

And there's more
leaving every day.

What could've happened?
What do they want?

There's 10 guys for
every girl on this post.

Where can they get better odds?

- Well maybe we neglected them.
- Neglected them?

Did I try to organize
co-ed poker games?

Sarge, Sarge, she's
gone. Selma's gone.

Your Selma's gone...
what did you do have fight?

How could I? I haven't
seen here in 6 weeks.

What is he glaring at me for?

Well it's over Sarge, a
beautiful 8 year romance

and it's all over. Read
this note she sent me.

"Get lost creep who needs you."

She must have loved you.

She didn't even
return my fraternity pin.

You like that, didn't
eve... fraternity pin?

You never went to College.

What's the difference?
It cost me 5 bucks.

What is he yelling at me for?

- Ernie.
- Grover, what is it, Evelyn?

Come on pal she'll come back.

But Ernie you don't understand,
I was here playing cards,

and Evelyn is out there at home.

All right, all right stop that.

You've oughta be ashamed of
yourself a grown man like you.

What are you worried about
you'll find somebody new,

in a few weeks you'll
forget all about her.

Evelyn is gone I'm telling ya.

- Evelyn is gone.
- Selma is gone.

Hold it, hold it
what's all this crying?

What is this, a Motor
Platoon or a soap opera?

She's gone Sarge,
my girl is gone.

- My girl is gone too.
- They're all gone Sarge.

Doesn't anybody suffer
silently around here?

Now relax and
talk it over calmly.

- Sarge.
- Doberman, you too?

My heart is broken,
my chocolate fudge cake

got crushed in the mail.

It's all your fault Bilko.

If it wasn't for you
we'd still have girls.

You and you poker games.

You never gave us
time to see our girls.

When we had time
you had our money.

Where are we
gonna get new girls?

Yeah. Yeah.

Somewhere.

Gentlemen observe
this little black book.

This is not exactly a milk
route, if you know what I mean.

Each page contains
a 1,001 adventures.

Not for me Sarge, there
will never be another Selma.

Oh don't say that Dino.

Paparelli, look what I say
for you, you see this name,

see the 4 stars after the name,

may I point out those 4
stars don't exactly mean

that she's a
General, what, what!

Sally Klemper.

She is a little
too short for me,

she will be perfect
for you Dino.

Oh what a lovely
couple you'll make.

Here I want you to have this.

- Sally Klemper.
- I have something for you pal

301 Breckenridge Road
Seattle, Washington..Seattle?!

Why there's love letters.

Each mail call becomes
a mad adventure listen...

You keep it, I can't
dance with a letter.

Hey Paparelli, why
don't... Zimmerman explain.

- Come on.
- Mullen would I let you down?

Hey Grover, don't take that.

You know you're the one
always talking about my...

What are you gonna do Ernie?

They're sure down on you Sarge.

I can't say that I blame 'em.

I sold out a dozen friends
for a lousy 60 bucks.

No $77 Ernie.

$77, I'm on streak this is it.

Tonight I'll really
put the clamp on 'em.

I... did you hear that,
I reverted to type,

you hear the greed in my mouth.

I oughta be ashamed of myself.

No wonder they walked out on me.

I forgot they're human
beings, sensitive emotional.

Look Ernie, Ernie maybe
they just need a little diversion.

How about a Burlesque show.

No that will madden the beasts.

You know with the runaway
so near and yet so far.

What they need
are girls of their own.

That's right, what are we
doing, there must be girls.

There must be a dance going
on in town or something let's see.

Activities in Roseville today.

PTA meeting, Lions Club, the AR.

Sarge.

You don't understand, I
don't want any raving beauties,

like Jane Mansfield.

They want nice plain
girls like, here's something,

Roseville Poetry Circle
meets tomorrow night.

Oh look at this. Aah, aha.

Sarge, poetry ain't gonna
take their mind off girls.

Yeah but we can take
the girls minds off poetry.

How are you gonna get
our guys in a poetry circle.

Most of them aren't even
allowed in the pool room.

What's the name of
the president again,

Miss Daphne Smathers,
poet laureate of Roseville.

Aha I can hardly wait
to tell Miss Smathers,

the countless hours I have spent

pouring over her immortal verse.

Hey Sarge, did you ever
read anything she wrote?

What do you think I'm a nut?

Would you mind writing
something personal and poetic

it'll make such an
impression on the boys,

in the Barracks Poetry corner.

How does this sound?

"To someone's
whose taste I admire,

Sgt. Ernest Bilko Esquire."

That's wonderful, and it rhymes.

Did you just do that?

Oh how can I thank you enough.

Oh you already have with
your appreciation of fine poetry.

Oh this is the 4th
book we've bought.

Really?

Oh yes you have no
idea, what one slim volume

goes through in the hands
of 30 fanatical poetry lovers.

Which poems stirred your
group the most Sgt. Bilko?

Which one, oh I could
just turn to it by heart,

this one right here "Elegy
to a Cocker Spaniel."

May I read it to
you, at your knee?

Please do.

"Elegy to a Cocker Spaniel"

A salty tear comes to my eye.

When I think of you up
there in that kennel in the sky.

You were so sensitive so
tender so easily hurtable.

Struck down in your prime
by a flashy convertible."

Only a dog lover would
know how beautiful this is.

Oh there, there Sergeant.

Oh please I'd love
my boys to meet you.

They would, oh but I
guess you're so busy.

Not at all our poetry circle
meets tomorrow night.

Good heavens what a coincidence.

So does ours.

- Why don't we...
- Why don't...

They've already bought 4 copies
of my book, isn't that exciting?

Oh that's wonderful.

Miss Smathers, I
think it's so exciting

we're finally going to meet some
sensitive aesthetic young men.

- When are they going to be here?
- Very soon.

Where's the dames?

Remember this is not a smoker.

This is a poetry circle,
you act like gentlemen.

We'll be gentlemen
let us at 'em, come on.

And why you, look we're
going to win these girls

with our mutual love of
poetry, you understand.

Now stop drooling,
and follow me.

I think I hear them in the hall.

How exciting.

Enter oh blithe spirits.

Yes our pilgrimage is over.

Welcome to an evening of beauty.

Oh how splendid,
what a lovely group

of intellectual young ladies.

Now wait, may I warn you please

we'll all have our share of
Keats and Shelley, please!

I know just how they feel.
My girls feel the same way.

They do?

Hey you, one more
outburst, I'll break our statue

of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

They sure can't
wait to get started...

Well if you all be seated.

Yes gently, gently.
Just find a seat.

All right now, what
are you doing?

All right gentlemen please

we'll all be able
to see and to hear.

Gentlemen first
I'd like introduce

one of our brightest hopes
Miss Angela Cummings.

Vavava voom.

My what enthusiasm.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't we lower lights to
give her the proper atmosphere?

It will give her the soft...

Lights on Fleischman.

He has such a quest for culture

he's always grasping
for knowledge.

Oh that must be Pamela.

More girls I will
get it, I'll get it.

Come in my dear, attention.

- Elliott so glad you dropped in.
- How are you Daphne?

I just happened to be in town
and I heard about your meeting.

Oh what are these
soldiers doing here?

Oh just a group
of poetry lovers Sir.

Poetry lovers. By George!

I find it heartening to know

that there are other
soldiers in the Army

who share my enthusiasm.
As you were men.

Col. Gruber is one
of the best known

unpublished poets in the west.

I do hope you've brought
something with you Elliott Sir.

Yes just a couplet
before you go Sir.

Well, as a matter of fact I
did bring something with me

the final draft of my last poem
The Ballad of World War Il.

Oh The Ballad Of World...
that sounds splendid!

Oh Elliott would
you recite for us.

I'd love to.

It might not mean
too much to you girls

but I'm sure the
boys will love it.

Yes Sir they will, they will.

Will you, will you.

Ballad Of World War Il
by Colonel Elliott Gruber.

How distinctly I remember
the 7th of December,

World War Il had just begun.

That sunny morning in '41
there was a big job to be done.

So I took up my gun
to set the rising sun.

Ah splendid, splendid.

Now we'll have our own poet.

There's more. Oh there's more.

And things looked black in '42.

Oh what a job we had to do!

But MacArthur
said, I shall return.

And I, I echoed his
words and said I will too!

And then battle stations
went clang, clang, clang!

And 21 guns went
bang, bang, bang!

It's like the battle of Okinawa.

I was there, it
wasn't this noisy.

- If you have quite finished.
- Sorry Sir.

Crash went the cannons
from shore to shore,

smash went those pill
boxes till there were no more.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

How is your head?

- Do you have to shout?
- I'm sorry.

Oh that Colonel
with his hi-fi voice.

Boy did he louse everything up
with his Ballad of World War Il.

Crash, when the guns
bang, when the guns.

I was there we didn't
use that much ammunition.

There he was, the girls
had to leave at 11 o'clock.

Japan didn't
surrender until 2:00.

Now what are you gonna do?

We're right back where
we started - no girls.

What! What!

Look Sarge I don't
know how to tell you this

but a lot of the men
are talking about

transferring to a
camp with more WACs.

- Who who?
- Mullen, Paparelli, Zimmerman.

No, my best losers?

That settles it, I
gotta do something.

I gotta get a new batch of
WACs to come to Fort Baxter.

It's easy to say Ernie but how?

How, I...

Sarge?

Leave him alone, he is thinking.

I can hear the wheels turning,

it's getting closer,
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 now.

- I got it.
- What, what?

Fort Baxter, the
paradise of the plains.

I don't get it.

Look, suppose I told the
WACs that at Fort Baxter

they would find gaiety,
excitement, romance, adventure.

But that would be
misrepresentation, and deception.

No it's an out 'n out lie.

Girls, girls.

May I have your attention
for a moment please.

This afternoon we
have a slight change

in our training schedule,

instead of the lecture
on military courtesy

we have a surprise speaker.

He has graciously
volunteered to come

all the way from Fort Baxter
to talk to us on the subject

of the maintenance
of military vehicles.

He is a Motor Pool
Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko.

They're all yours Sergeant.

Thank you captain, thank
you, thank you very much.

My, what a lovely group, I hope
I can keep my mind on motors.

Well, shall we get on with it.

Are you ready Cpl. Barbella?

- Yes Sir.
- Lights please.

Now we'll proceed at
once to the carburetors.

One of the most important
parts of the motor.

Yes the carburetor
is the veritable heart

of the engine as we will
see in this close up view.

Oooh.

Oh yes, yes.

I share your enthusiasm
for the carburetor.

Now let's proceed to the
magical world of the battery.

Installing the batteries,
is a technique all its own.

And so we will show
a Fort Baxter veteran

teaching a rookie how it's done.

Ooh.

Ooh oh yes thought you
must say eeeeh, he he.

I will tell you a little secret

I don't think I
should be tattling,

but this couple
was married 10 days

after this picture was taken.

- Oh that's cool.
- They're hot.

Farewell happy couple.

Now let's have the
next slide please.

Here we are, Cpl.
Ricky Van Fender

one of the fun loving
bachelors at Fort Baxter,

applying his knowledge
of his military vehicles

to one of his own sports car.

Oh enough of this
society chit chat,

now the concluding
slide in this series.

A slide which illustrates
what I've been trying to say,

so enthusiastically
at this very lecture.

I feel, as do the
folks at Fort Baxter,

that co-operation between
the soldier, and the WAC

is essential to
national security.

As we will see
in the next slide.

Ooh!

Oh I'm glad you're
so interested.

Thank you so much
for you kind attention

and thank you very much
for coming in this afternoon.

Thank you.

Lights.

Hey Sarge, Sarge
do ya think it worked?

Talk of the mission
you know what they say

1 picture is worth 1,000 words.

Continue the brainwash.

Sgt. Bilko this is the nerve
center of Camp Madison.

These girls are all training
for secretarial assignments

in Army camps all
over the country.

I see well... here, here,
that's very interesting.

Oh you want to go
somewhere Sarge?

Oh no, no, I have plenty
of time, tell me more.

Well over there is, if you
go through that little door.

Administration..who?
One moment please.

There's a phone
call for Sgt. Bilko.

A phone call for me I
wonder who it could be.

It's from Hollywood?

Hollywood oh it's
from Hollywood.

You see I take care of all
the shows at Fort Baxter.

I arrange them you understand

and they're ready for
next month's show now.

Hallo, hallo Clark,
it's Clark Gable.

Clark you'll have to
speak up it's long distance.

Hey Ernie, I just
called you to tell you

that I'm flying in for your
camp show on the 14th.

Next to Palm Springs, Fort
Baxter's my favorite place.

Hah it's nice talking
to you too Clark.

What, you wanna bring
somebody along with you

to Fort Baxter who is it?

Cary Grant. Oh sure,
he can come along.

Put him on.

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie, I hope
you've got room for me in the show.

I wouldn't wanna miss it.

We're just sitting around
in the Brown Derby Ernie,

an old buddy of yours just
walked in, I'll put him on.

Ah hey Ernie, guess who this is?

Oh the voice is rather
familiar I can't seem to place it.

Speak a little more please.

Oh come on, Ernie now, we
went through the war together.

Remember I was a flyer.

Can you recognize his voice?

- It's Jimmy.
- It's Jimmy Stewart.

Oh hello Jimmy oh forgive me

I should've recognized
you instantly.

How are you James?

Wait a minute, say
hello to Jimmy Stewart.

- No, I don't...
- Oh come along say hello.

- Hello Mr. Stewart.
- How are you Capt. Wallace?

Oh oh, how did he know my name?

Yes, how did he know her name?

Oh I know how he knew, because
it's been bothering me right along,

you're from Hollywood.

- Fess up!
- No.

You're a Hollywood starlet,
you used to be a Goldwyn girl,

I knew it the minute
I walked in here...

oh yes I'd know you anywhere.

- Hello?
- How are you Ernie?

I hear that work down
there at Fort Baxter.

No, no, let me, I can't
choose you, I'm sorry.

- Who was that?
- Marlon Brando.

I could never understand him,

they all want to
come to Fort Baxter.

Get ready Sergeant
the record is almost over.

I got you all out of K.P.
to do this, now do it right.

Sarge what do you
need the Glee Club for.

This is the last phase
of Operation Girls,

this'll be the clincher.

Shh, quiet.

That was Frank Sinatra singing
one of your all-time favorites.

And now girls your Camp
Madison radio service

brings you a special treat
for your listening pleasure,

a wonderful G.I singing group
and here they are the 3 Stripes.

Tara tara tara tara!

Tara tara taraaa!

Moon Over Fort Baxter.

Turns The Barracks
To Silver and Gold.

And There's A Magical
Change, On The Rifle Range,

As You In My Arms I Enfold.

Stars Over Fort Baxter

Sparkle Like Vintage Champagne

And Sweethearts Who Meet
Turn Each Company Street,

Into A Lovers Lane.

I Never Knew An Army Post

Could Bring Us Such Enchantment.

But Here We Are
Bewitched And Bewildered

In Cupid's Sweet Encampment.

Moon Over Fort Baxter

Brought Me Sheer Ecstasy

Come Back, Come
Back, My Lovely WAC,

And Share This
Shangri La With Me!

Sarge, it's been 2 days, now
not one WAC is showing up.

The natives are
getting restless.

I can't understand it,
I covered every angle.

Sarge they're packed.

They're leaving,
they're really leaving.

Ah Paparelli what's the hurry
don't you trust the old Sarge.

We've had it Sarge,
we're clearing out.

All I asked you to do is to wait a
coupla days, the WACs will be here.

You wait I want
someone to muss my hair,

smear lipstick on my
collar, I'm young I wanna live.

I forgot what it feels like
to get my face slapped.

- Me too.
- All right, go!

I did all I can for them, who...

Oooh.

What happened to you?

I'm not sure, a bunch of WACs
yelled "There's Ricky Van Fender"

and then they pounced on me.

The WACs are here.

Sarge where were they 20
years ago when I had the strength?

The WACs are here.

The place is crawling with them.

Geronimo!

Geronimo, yeah... Here,
here, where you going?

I'll try, I'll try.

Anybody for the game.

No luck Sarge,
they're all out on dates.

All on dates, you said
get WACs, and I got WACs

Sarge, Sarge listen to this.

And There's A Magical
Change On The Rifle Range.

They're singing our song.

As You In My Arms I Enfold.

Stars Over Fort Baxter

Sparkle Like Vintage Champagne.

And The Sweethearts Who
Meet Turn Each Company Street

Into A Lover's Lane.

I Never Knew An Army Post

Could Bring Us Such Enchantment.

But Here We Bre
bewitched And Bewildered

In Cupid's Sweet Encampment.

Well at least
everybody else is happy.

Look Roc, I want...
Roc? Henshaw?

Looks like I
created my own lull.

Come in. Col. Gruber?

Hey Sgt. Bilko I've been
looking all over for you.

- For Me Sir.
- You seemed to enjoy my poetry

so much the other night that I
want you to hear another poem.

Yes Sir.

This is my Ballad
Of Outer Space.

Yes Sir.

"At Cape Canaveral
the sky was so bright

as we sent up our
very own satellite,

and boom went Vanguard up in the
sky, zoom went Jupiter ever so high,

boom it explodes,
to wave bye-bye

whoosh, zing, boom...

Let's go up and explore it
Uncle Sam is now in the orbit."

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Peggy Cass as Daphne Smathers,

Grant Code as Col. Gruber.

Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan

and Philippa Bevans
as Capt. Wallace.