The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 28 - Bilko's Chinese Restaurant - full transcript

One and two, one, no
don't watch your feet

when you Waltz!

Turn off the music.

Paparelli you are impossible, I
cannot teach you how to dance.

Did I do something wrong, Sarge?

Dino, you have
absolutely no rhythm.

I've a good mind to give
you your money back.

Okay, you hooked
me for the $10 course.

No, no that would be
going back on my word.

I made a promise that every
man in my dancing class

would be a future
ballroom Fred Astaire.



All right who's next?

- You're next Fender.
- Fender.

Sarge, can't we skip it?
My, my arthritis is killing me.

Don't be silly Sam.

It's the best thing
for your arthritis.

Now you don't wanna
be a wall flower, do you?

- No.
- Where were we yesterday?

- The Tango.
- The Tango... music.

Now remember all
the fire and passion.

In front of all these guys?

Loosely. How are you?

Ten-shun.

Judo, Judo Sir, Judo
teaching him Judo.

Now when the enemy
switches to strike back,



we give him the Iwo
Jima overlap wrist lock

and he is completely helpless.

- That'll be all for today Fender.
- Oh my arthritis.

And the rest of you men
dismissed until tomorrow

when I'll teach you the
jungle knuckle cracking,

in case of a sneak attack Sir.

I want my men to
always be alert Sir?

But why the white gloves, Bilko?

The white glove, that's
for eye gouging Sir,

we don't want the
men to get infected.

Of course in real
battle we don't care

if the enemy gets
infected now do we Sir?

The Captain is
interested in our work,

that's a wonderful gesture;
men, for the Captain.

Hip, hip! Hooray!
Hip, hip! Hooray!

All right Bilko, we have 3
new men for the Motor Pool.

See that they get their
bunks and equipment.

New blood in the
platoon, splendid Sir,

Thank you very much Sir.

All right men dismissed.

All right, men right in here.

Hey Sarge, how's my
Rhumba..my foot work,

has it improved any?

Very good, don't do
it in front of a hospital

they'll operate, move, move.

- Pvt. Herbert Henderson.
- Here.

Ralph Dawson.

- Pvt. Wong Lee.
- Here.

All right, Ten-shun.

You're in the Army now.
Like to introduce myself.

At ease.

I'm Sgt. Ernest Bilko, men.
Your friend away from home.

I want you fellas to feel
whenever you're in need

you can come to me and likewise

I like to feel whenever I'm
in need I can come to you.

- Yes Sir.
- Now that sounds like fun.

Doesn't it?

When it comes to
things in the military,

I'm all spit and polish
you'll find that out.

I want my men to be
prepared for any emergency.

I want them to be alert, I
want them to be able to dance.

Dance?

Well of course, show me
a soldier that can Foxtrot

I'll show you a happy soldier.

Of course you men are
all familiar with the Waltz,

the Cha-Cha-Cha, the
Rhumba, the Merengue.

What's the Merengue, we've
never heard of it, Sarge?

Good heavens what
do they teach them

in basic training these days?

Never mind, for $5 you can all
join my weekly dancing class.

- $5?
- Or perhaps you'd rather join

my weekly K.P. class,
my garbage disposal class.

Here's my $5 Sir.

Put his name down
for the Saturday class.

Here's my $5

Put Dawson down
for the Saturday class.

You can count me in and
do you have change of $20?

- Change, $20, $20.
- Sarge, you're crying.

It's been so long since I've
seen a $20 in this platoon.

- Hey, Sarge, who's that?
- Santa Claus.

Are you sure you want
change of this $20?

Wait a minute
Sir, I do have a $5.

He has a $5 too.

$25, for $25 I can
name a dance after you,

the Wong Lee Mazurka.
- No, thanks.

I'll stick with the
beginner's course.

He sticks with the beginner's.

I seem to have
developed this cramp,

help me, help me, there.

Sarge, should I show
the boys their bunks?

You show them. I'll show him.

Come with me, I suppose
you'd like a nice bunk with a view.

Oh I'm not choosy.

He's not choosy but I
have the best for this boy.

Here's a lovely bunk right
here right by the window

you'll be the first one to see
the morning sun, how about that.

But somebody's up there, Sarge.

Somebody's up there indeed.

Somebody's in it,
just a loiterer that's all.

You'll be very happy here.

Oh gee, it's awful
nice of you Sarge.

Well of course I'm always
glad to help a boy with a 20,

I mean a boy in his
20's away from home.

You'll be very happy
here because we...

Do you mind if, do you
mind if I put this picture here?

- What is it?
- A picture of your family?

- Ain't that sweet.
- Yeah, they're standing out

in front of our restaurant
in San Francisco.

Oh your father has a
restaurant in San Francisco?

I've never been there.

Maybe you've been to the one in
Chicago, the Lum Lee Gardens?

Your father has 2 restaurants?

- No, he has 10.
- 10?

Don't stand there,
help him make his bed

A little perfume around this..

- No, no this is fine.
- This is fine.

I suppose it keeps
your Father very busy

going from restaurant to
restaurant, bank to bank.

You sure gotta hand it to him.

When he landed in San
Francisco 30 years ago,

he only had $1 in his pocket.

Only $1 and now he has 10...

why are we standing here,

why don't we
help this boy into...

Look, would you do
me a personal favour,

you see that door over there,

it's exactly 20 steps
from your bunk.

I'll want that door
to be your door.

Anything bothers
you, Knock-ety-knock

and your Sergeant is
there, anything you want.

Anything, that's any favour, I'm
your man you understand that?

Thank you.

Why are you standing
there, lets help him,

help him up to his
bed, come inside.

Just relax everything
is gonna be fine.

Nice Sarge, his father is
a regular Howard Johnson.

Thank you Buddha.

Now Roc did you
get the sandwiches?

6 sandwiches from the
Bon Ton luncheonette.

6 sodas cost $4.

It's a little expensive
but it's gonna be worth it.

- Is Wong Lee out there?
- Yeah, he is on his bunk resting.

He said you ordered
him not to drill.

Exactly, now you guys know
what to do with the game.

Right, Sarge.

It's just like playing rummy
except that the tiles are cards.

Good boy. Now
I'll set a little trap.

I'll get our little
Chinese pigeon.

Wong Lee your Sergeant

- Why Mahjong?
- Why?

Because it's the
Chinese national game.

The Englishmen play Whist,
the French play La Belotte,

the Chinese play Mahjong.

Hey Sarge, you finally
got some duties for me?

Ah, your military
training will wait.

Right now, it's
welcome wagon time.

How about a sandwich
and a bottle of soda pop?

Oh gee, I just had my dinner.

Oh did you? Then we
can get right to the game.

- What's that, Mahjong?
- He knows it. He knows it.

My dad taught me
that when I was a child.

I haven't played it in years.

He hasn't played it in years.

Sit down, it will
come back to you.

All right Wong, you go.

7 bamb, 3 crack, 4 dots,

9 bamb, 4 dots,
east wind, east wind.

4 wins Mahjong.

Sorry, fellows, boys wait till I
see how much money I won.

Hey, hey, don't tell
the boys about this.

I don't want them to know
their Sergeant gambles,

come on get some sleep.

Well Sarge, he took
us to the cleaners.

Do you like my luck?

6 months of dancing classes,
all I got to show for is 1 buck.

Sarge, you want us
to clean up this mess?

Leave it for
Doberman, he'll love it.

Come on. Get some sleep.

See you tomorrow.

- Goodnight Sarge.
- Goodnight Sarge.

Ernie Bilko you jerk,

in the Army 15 years what
have you got show for it.

One lousy dollar!

Oh those Mambos are killing me.

Smart guy, $1.

When my Dad landed
in San Francisco,

he only had $1 in his pocket
and now he has 10 restaurants,

and now he has 10
restaurants, 10 restaurants.

From the Milwaukee restaurant.

From the New Orleans restaurant.

From Ernie's Delicatessen.

Why not?

Rocco, and Henshaw, wake
up, wake up, this is Ernie Bilko.

Listen, first thing tomorrow
morning at the Motor Pool,

we're having a meeting
with the entire platoon.

Yes, we're opening
a Chinese restaurant.

You heard me right,
a Chinese restaurant

first thing in the morning
at the Motor Pool.

I must say Bilko,
it's a pleasure to see

so much activity
in the motor pool.

Call me idealistic
if you will Sir,

but I think a man should
do what he's paid to do,

and I'm paid to run
the Motor Pool Sir.

- Very good Bilko.
- Thank you Sir.

All right men work on those
carburetors, get those piston rods.

- Okay.
- All right, hold it, come on.

Stop it we've got work to
do. Now where were we?

We just made our first million
in the restaurant business.

Yeah the Chinese
restaurant business yes.

Sarge, are you sure?

I see we've got a Doubting
Thomas in the crowd, huh?

Well, let's find out
about the rest of you.

All those in favor of opening
a Chinese restaurant say, aye.

- Aye.
- It's unanimous.

Now here's what we're gona do.

Now we've got a
guy in the platoon

who knows all about
Chinese restaurants.

Hey Sarge, I found the
perfect spot for our restaurant

it's right on the corner of
Main, and Sycamore streets.

- Next to the bowling alley?
- Yeah.

I clocked the passers-by,

it's just the kind of location
my Father always picks.

Good boy, Uncle
Sam didn't need him.

I needed him.

Make a deposit on
that store right away.

But Sarge are you sure
we can go into a business?

After all we're in the Army.

Don't worry about
it kid I looked it up.

A soldier can do
anything he wants as long

as it doesn't interfere
with his military duties

am I right boys?
- Right Sarge.

As long as it doesn't
interfere with his duties,

so why did you stop. Move, move.

It's not interfering
with our duties,

now tell me more
about the store.

Wait a minute Sarge,
what about a cook?

- They come high.
- Not the one I found.

- Sarge, Ritzik?
- Of course Ritzik.

Are you sure he
can cook Chinese?

I'm positive.

He can't cook American, come on.

Hey Bob, get me a
few boxes of raisins.

- I'm making cupcakes.
- Right Sarge.

Here he is Wong,
the valedictorian

of the cook in Bakers school.

Rupert, what surprise have you
prepared for our palates today?

Come on, beat
it Bilko, I'm busy.

Wait a minute, I
want you to meet

one of my new recruits,
this is Wong Lee.

- Nice to know you.
- Hi I'll be looking for you on K.P.

Is that right, is that
right, he's all charm.

You wouldn't think this
casual, easy-going fellow

was one of the backbones
of the United States Army.

How many men do you feed a
day? 500, that's 3 times a day.

- And each meal a memory.
- Aw, Ernie.

Well it's true, there's
no trouble big enough

that he won't go through
to satisfy our taste buds,

this man is an artist and
his kitchen is his canvas.

- Aw Ernie.
- It's true.

I'm gonna make some extra
cup cakes just for you, Bilko.

Thank you.

But does he get any credit for
all the pains he goes through?

Does the Army give him a medal

for his tomato surprises,
his meat loaves, no?

When his hitch is up
they count the silverware,

they ask him to
turn in his apron

and then they throw him
out into the cold, cruel world.

I'm not gonna make
no more cup cakes

for those kinds of people.

Fortunately you have friends.

Yeah. Who?

Wong and I, and we're going
to see that you have a kitchen

all your own where
nobody throws you out,

when you're old and grey.

And you can cook to your
heart's content anything you want,

as long as it's Chinese.

Chinese? What you
gonna Shanghai me?

Wong and I and the boys we're
opening a Chinese restaurant,

and you're going to be our cook.

You're nuts, Bilko.

I'm in this kitchen from
4 o'clock in the morning

till 6 o'clock at night.

Works out perfectly.

We're going to open at 6 o'clock
at night and close it 2:00 am.

That will only give
me 2 hours at home.

I'll never see my wife.

- Well.
- You got yourself a cook.

By the way, how much is the pay?

Well, to start with nothing.

Well, I guess you
can't have everything.

Scooch. You have the recipes.

Here, I want you to learn these

and start practicing
on 'em right away.

Let me see, Moo, Goo, Guy, Pang.

Hey listen to this, Rupert I
didn't know you spoke Chinese.

This is working out
beautifully isn't it.

- Did you hear what he said?
- What?

He says you look like Fu Manchu.

Let me see, 3 cups of rice,
2 cups of bamboo sprouts,

water chestnuts, hey I
haven't got any of this stuff.

Well, don't they have any Chinese
dishes in the Army cookbook?

Yeah.

Well you order your
supplies from quartermasters.

Yeah. I'll make out a list.

See you get everything
on these recipes,

well the wheels are turning.

Hey Ritzik, here's the raisins
you wanted for the cupcakes.

Raisins, cupcakes?
Get that out of here!

- Hey, what's the matter?
- What's the matter?

Cupcakes raisins in
the Chinese restaurant?

From now on you're making
fortune cookies on the double.

All right, elbows up,
pencils poised, splendid.

- How do they look, Wong Lee?
- Not bad.

You're not kidding,
I think they'd make

better waiters than
they do soldiers.

- Give me the Chinese menu.
- Right here Sarge.

All right, we're now gonna
rehearse waiting on customers

exactly as we will do next week
when we open the restaurant.

Now I want you to
watch your Ps and Qs,

remember everything
that Wong told you.

- Who plays the customer?
- I do Sarge.

All right, get
outside Paparelli.

Remember that he is
watching you, he's taking notes.

I want joviality, the
customer is always right.

Remember that.

All right, take notes, all
right Paparelli come in.

Well good evening Sir,
you must have heard

about new Chinese
restaurant, come right in, Sir.

We're so glad to have you.
This is your table right here.

I think you'll find
it very comfortable

here is your menu
and I'll get you a waiter.

Good evening Sir.

You're in luck sir, you
have one of our finer waiters.

What are you,
crowding the customer,

give him a chance to breathe.

Will you order a la
carte or a la dinner Sir?

I think this
evening I'll splurge.

I'll have a la carte.

A wise choice,
give him your order.

First I'd like some
nice crisp egg rolls

and a double order
of barbecued pork.

After that a tureen of
steaming Won Ton soup

and then some fried rice
with lobster Cantonese.

You better hold the
lobster Cantonese.

I want to save some
room for the pressed duck...

Waiter, waiter!

Sarge, I can't help it.

He made me hungry.

- Waiter! Waiter!
- Take your napkins off.

From now on you're a bus boy.

Fender, take over this station.

Sarge, I just came
from the kitchen.

The Chinese supplies just
arrived from Quartermaster.

This is it, our destiny
is now in Ritzik's hands.

Let's get over to the kitchen.

Hey, what about my order Sarge?

We're closed. It's the
Chinese New Year.

What time is it?

Oh it's 2 o'clock
in the morning.

Let's quit Ernie, huh?

Will you give up Sarge.

Ritzik is never going to
learn to cook Chinese.

That last batch of Egg Foo
Yung tasted like Goulash.

All right, so we won't have a
Chinese-American restaurant

we'll have a Chinese-Hungarian
restaurant give him a chance.

Ooh! Ooh! I think
I got it, I got it.

This is it gentlemen, Stanley
has met Dr. Livingston.

Edison has invented
the electric light

and Rupert Ritzik has
conquered Egg Foo Yung.

Somebody taste this.
My tongue is numb.

Very good for sauerbraten.

Are you sure you're
following the recipe?

- In my sleep.
- Well, wake up and try it again.

Oh Ernie not again.

Now look Rupert, we're
gonna stay in this kitchen

until you learn how
to cook Chinese.

Don't send me back
there on the hot stove.

Please I can't take it anymore.

Rupert, Rupert. This is
no time for battle fatigue

I won't go back.
I'm not going to do it.

I can't... thanks
Bilko. I needed that.

Don't tell me a
chef isn't a soldier.

Now, in there and cook!

- Good morning Sir.
- Good morning.

Wonderful morning
isn't it Col. Hall?

Yes, walking to the mess
hall in that crisp morning air

certainly gives you an
appetite for breakfast.

Nothing like a good
plate of bacon and eggs

to start the day off right, Sir.

You can say that again, I
told Mrs. Hall stay in bed.

I'm going down and
eat with the men.

Ah, here it is.
Food, food, food.

I, I don't recognize it, Sir.

I've heard a lot of complaints
about Ritzik's cooking,

but I always thought
they were exaggerated.

This is the wettest
omelet I've ever seen.

It is strange Sir.

Well, pass the rolls
at least we can have

some coffee and rolls.

- It's not rolls Sir, it's rice.
- Rice?

Coffee, Sir?

It's tea with rose petals in it.

Ritzik! Ritzik!
What's going on here.

Here I am Sir,
more Egg Foo Yung?

Egg Foo Yung?
So that's what it is.

Now who is taking over
this post, Ruby Foo?

Now get back to the kitchen
and bring us some bacon and egg.

- Yes Sir.
- And coffee without rose petals.

Yes Sir.

That's where we're going to
send the replacements Lieutenant,

right in the middle of the
China Sea, the Macoochi Atoll.

I know, the men call
it Miserable Macoochi.

Yes, that's why we're replacing
the men who were there.

Two years is about
all any soldier can take.

Is that why you wanted
me to find a company of men

who might be more adaptable Sir?

Yes, a group of men
with a Far East orientation

will be just what we
need for Macoochi.

I think I've found
the answer Sir.

What do you mean?

Look at this group here
from Ft. Baxter Kansas,

the outfit was stationed in
the Pacific during the war

and they already have a
Chinese solider in their outfit,

which is a big plus Sir.

Ah, that's not
enough Lieutenant.

How do we know these
men would be more at home

in the Orient than
any place else?

Just listen to their supply
list Sir, 300 pounds of rice,

20 bushels of bamboo
sprouts, 40 boxes of ginger,

water chestnuts,
snow peas, jasmine tea

and that's just the beginning.

Lieutenant, have
orders cut immediately.

I think Macoochi-American
relations

are about to reach a new high.

I can't believe it, Cpt. Barker,
where are they sending us?

- Macoochi Atoll.
- Miserable Macoochi?

Why? Why?

I don't understand it
Sir, but according to this

dispatch, an Officer
will be here tomorrow

to brief us for departure.

I thought after all
my years of service

they'd let me finish out
my time here at Ft. Baxter,

but after all I'm a soldier

and if that's where
they wanna send me,

that's where I'll go,
Miserable Macoochi.

The order was
rather sudden, Sir.

For us yes, but
somehow the men knew.

What do you mean, Sir?

Egg Foo Yung for
breakfast, Rose Petal Tea.

Oh you can't beat the Army
grapevine it's better than radar.

It certainly is uncanny.

Washington just made
the decision an hour ago.

That would mean our men
knew even before Washington.

That's what I mean. What?

Cpt. Barker, there is
something strange going on.

When I get Egg Foo Yung in
the morning and orders to go

to the middle of the
China Sea in the afternoon,

I know there's something wrong.

We'd better get
over to the kitchen.

Well, well how
is it? It's delicious.

Did you hear that
Rupert, you're a success.

Come on Sarge, hurry up.

They all want more Chow Mein.

Seconds in my mess hall, do
you realize what this means?

For the first time in my life

I'm going to have
empty garbage cans.

- My table wants more Chop Suey.
- More Chop Suey.

Please, please don't
cry in the Egg Drop Soup.

You know what you've just done,

you've created a whole
camp full of future customers.

He's great, Sarge.
When do we open?

A week from tonight.

That reminds me Rocco,
take a letter to Duncan Hines.

"Dear Duncan, we'd like
you to be the first to sample

our exquisite oriental cuisine."

Oriental cuisine.

Col. Hall I was just on
my way to the Motor Pool

to fix your jeep, Sir.

Never mind my jeep Bilko,
from the looks of things

I'll be using a rickshaw.

Rickshaw?

Oh look, Col. Hall
Chop Suey, Chow Mein.

Ritzik, what's the meaning
of this Chinese cooking?

Sir, he's too shy to tell you.

It's his way of welcoming
our new recruit Wong Lee.

It's sort of like a
package from home, sir.

Do you hear what he
said Sir, it's rather sweet.

He said his celestial
ancestors on high

will thank Col. Hall.
- Stop it Bilko!

They've got tons of this stuff.

Good heavens!

Ritzik, let me see
your supply list.

Yes Sir. Chop Suey, Chow Mein.

Look at this Barker, water
chestnuts, bamboo shoots

snow peas, no wonder we were
chosen to go to Macoochi Atoll.

Miserable Macoochi, Sir?

Yes Bilko. Now get
your Motor Pool packed.

We have to be ready
to ship in 24 hours.

- But Sir, why us?
- According to this list,

we're the next best thing
to a Chinese battalion.

You mean that's why they're
gonna send us to Macoochi, Sir?

That's right Bilko.

Now get your Motor Pool
packed ready to move out,

an officer attached to
Gen. Foxworth's staff

will be here tomorrow
morning to brief us.

- But Sir, don't you think...
- That'll be all?

Yes Sir.

- There goes the restaurant.
- Restaurant?

There goes Ft. Baxter.

What d'you come to me
for, you know I can't cook.

Now they're going to send an
Officer all the way from Washington

to teach us how to
behave in Macoochi.

How do we behave Sarge?

That's it. How do we behave?

Come on.

Hey Bilko, what should I
do with all this Chow Mein?

Eat it, you'll be hungry
again in an hour.

- You sure everybody is ready?
- Yes Sarge.

You, watch the door and
tell me when brass is coming.

- Right Sarge.
- Is everything all set?

- They all know what to do.
- How about the WACs?

Well it took a little talking
but they finally agreed.

They don't want to see
anybody sent to Macoochi.

Good, I don't want that
briefing officer to miss a detail.

Yeah, but Ernie, you're
sure it's gonna work?

If it don't I can always
jump overboard.

Sarge, Sarge brass coming.

Ten-shun.

All right, at ease.

- Thank you Sir.
- This is Lt. Williamson.

Lieutenant this is Sgt. Bilko

who is in charge of
the Motor Pool platoon.

Now while you're briefing him
I'll go over to the supply room

and see that
they're ready for you.

- Thank you Captain.
- Thank you Captain.

Now Sergeant, you
and your men are going

on a very important assignment.

Sir, we're well aware of that.

Well fine, I just wanted to
make sure you and your men

approach it with
a proper attitude.

Now since Macoochi is
such a very strategic island,

we must always maintain

the best possible
relations with the natives.

It'll never leave our mind Sir.

Fine, Macoochians
are very old people

with a very ancient culture

and we must in no way
disturb their beautiful way of life.

- I understand.
- Where should I pack

the cash register Sarge?

Ah huh, the good old
cash, put it in the tool chest.

Tell me Sir, what type of
money do the Macoochians use?

Oh their main unit of
currency is the Moo.

It's roughly
equivalent to our dollar.

Oh the Moo that's where they
must have gotten the word moolah.

- Yes.
- Tell me more Sir.

But a cash register
in a Motor Pool?

Oh it won't be in
the Motor Pool.

Tell me do the natives
make handicrafts, Sir?

Oh yes, they make
beautiful baskets.

Ah what do you want
with the cash registers?

- What kind of baskets?
- What baskets?

The ones the natives make.

- Oh well they're very...
- Hey Sarge, I got the stuff

for the cigarette girl and
how do you like the costume?

Costume, it's all right if
we were going Alaska,

we're going to the tropics.

Give me more girl and less
costume, you know zee, zee.

Move it!

- Tell me more about Macoochi Sir.
- Ah, just a minute Sergeant.

What did you say
about a cigarette girl?

It's just a small detail Sir.

The electric sign
is ready, Sarge.

Oh good.

Tell me Sir, do the
natives read English.

Oh yes they read
English, but..er.. well.

Splendid, they'll be able
to see this sign for miles.

Let's see if it works boys.

Would you mind Sir?

Oh splendid, Sir, we'll have
the bulbs in red, white and blue

and Uncle Sam will
get the credit for this, Sir.

Are you going to open a
nightclub on Macoochi?

Oh you like the idea?

You told me the Lieutenant
won't like the idea.

He is with us 100%.

Let me show our floor
show, Sir, won't you sit down.

Tell me what you
think of this floor show,

if it's gonna sweep the island.

All right curtain everybody
it's a dress rehearsal.

Curtain time, one, two.

Macoochi, cha, cha, cha.

Makes you go oooh la, la.

And dance with your
pa pa till the break of day.

Ooh la, la, cha, cha, cha,
your pa, pa, pa ho, ha, ha.

Macoochi, cha, cha, cha,
makes your go oooh la, la.

And dance with your
pa, pa till the break of day.

Ooh la, la, cha, cha, cha.

I go cha cha cha
and you go oh la la.

Stop it! Stop it!

Hold it, you're
absolutely right Sir.

Fender was flat, we'll do it
again from the beginning.

Macoochi, cha, cha, cha.

Stop it! Stop!

But you can't do
this on Macoochi.

Oh well darn, that's
what they told us

when they threw
us off that last island.

You were thrown
off the last island?

Yes, in the middle of the
night it was hushed up Sir.

It was during war time you know.

Sergeant, what you're
planning on doing will destroy

American prestige
on Macoochi forever!

Who else is in on this?

Well the entire post, we thought
we'd liven up things up a bit.

Well, I'm going to liven
things up a bit Sergeant,

and I'm going right
to your Colonel.

Thank heavens I found
out about this in time.

I don't see what harm.

Do you think it worked?

Will we have to go Macoochi?

I don't know. Maybe
we went too far this time.

You mean we won't
go to Macoochi?

I don't think we will be
able to get back in Roseville!

That had a nice little
melody, didn't it, you liked it?

Macoochi, cha, cha, cha,
makes you go oooh la, la.

Well Sarge, you got
us out of Macoochi.

Yeah, we dissolved the
corporation and all the stockholders

have been paid off.

Swell and I'm still stuck
with the same dollar.

Don't worry Sarge, Rome
wasn't built in a day either.

Rome was, Rome, hows about
we open an Italian restaurant,

sandwiches to
go, frozen lasagne.

Come on Sarge go ahead play.

Let's play some cards, relax.

- Sarge, you got a minute?
- Minute, I've got years.

I'd like you to meet
my Father, hey Dad.

Is your Father here?

Hello Mr. Lee, I'm Sgt.
Bilko, this is Cpl. Barbella.

This is Cpl. Henshaw.
It's nice to see you.

You're in town to
see your boy Wong.

Well it started out that way,
but I think I'll stay awhile.

That's nice. What
do you like Roseville?

Ah, I like the location.

It's great for a
Chinese restaurant.

Another one that makes 11.

Is it true that you went
into business with just $1?

That's right, ah, but fortunately
my brother had $10,000.

You can't do business
with just one dollar.

You didn't tell me
about his brother.

He almost forced
me into bankruptcy.

Ah, is it true that you were

going into business Sgt. Bilko?

Yes. I'd like to
meet your brother.

You see I have a dollar too.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

John Lee as Pvt. Lee,

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker,

Joe Sullivan as Lt. Williamson,

John Davis as Gen. Foxworth

and Mark Saito as Mr. Lee.