The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 27 - Bilko's Honeymoon - full transcript

Paparelli wins a two-week honeymoon in Miami. Bilko convinces him to pose as a woman so they can cash-in on the all-expenses paid vacation. However the 'happy couple' are in for a surprise when John and Nell Hall turn up at the same hotel.

Ah Dino, Dino, please.

Every night you're
doing the same thing.

- What's going on?
- We wanna get a little sleep.

What happened to you?

Hold on!

Now what is this commotion?

It's the enemy!

What's wrong with you guys?
How inconsiderate can you be.

Do you realize what time it is?

Don't you ever think
of other people?

Don't you realize there is a
card game going on in there?



All right Fender, I
made you a monitor.

What is this all about?

Paparelli is typing again,
we can get no sleep!

It's another one of
his screwy contests.

- Sarge.
- All right, shut up!

All right Paparelli,
what is this all about?

All I've got to do is
write a 25 word letter

and I win a year’s subscription
to the Ladies Home Journal.

Did you hear that? Who'd
enter a contest like that?

- Nobody.
- So?

So, I got a better
chance of winning!

Oh, you see what
I'm talking about?

Break it up, get some sleep.

Why don't you get wise
for yourself Paparelli?



Don't you realize that most
of these contests are fake?

I can't help it Sarge,
it's in my blood!

In your blood, do you
know how much money

you've spent these past
few years on postage stamps,

on stationery?

- I'll win one yet you'll see.
- You'll win sure.

Look at your bunk it looks
like a waste paper bag.

Look at this mess, look at it.

Watch it, that's a Limerick
contest I'm entering.

This? You wrote this?

Yeah.

Once there was a
lady named Gwendolyn

who liked to strum
on her mandolin?

- Catchy isn't it?
- What is this stuff?

Look, I'm gonna be as
diplomatic and as tactful as I can.

- Go ahead Sarge.
- You're an idiot.

You think I value
this stupid contest,

work in the shower room!

Let the guys get some sleep
around here on the double!

Gee, thanks Sarge.

If I don't get my 8 hours sleep,
I look awful in the morning.

All right, Gwendolyn
go strum your mandolin.

- Who is dealing?
- You.

All right mail call, mail call.

Look alive!

- Mullen.
- Yeah?

- Fender.
- For me?

- Yeah.
- It must be a bill.

- It's from your wife.
- It's the same thing.

- Gomez.
- Yeah.

- Zimmerman.
- Here!

Bilko, oh that's
me here. Burn it.

From the Friendly
Finance Company.

Burn it with a smile.

- Mullen.
- Yooh hoo!

A package for Doberman.

Oh, it's my reducing pills,
they make me eat less.

Less than what? An
elephant, a horse, move it.

- Fleischman.
- Yo?

Paparelli. Paparelli
got a telegram.

Paparelli, where is he?

- Oh, he's still asleep Sarge.
- Still asleep?

What does he think
this as a Country Club.

Look at him, sleeping
as innocent as a child.

Look at that contented smile;
almost seem a shame to wake him,

get up!

What is this?
Sleeping till 11 o'clock?

You no better than
anybody else around here,

you get up at 10:30.

I didn't get to bed
till 6:30 Sarge.

What made you quit so early?

Some wise guy had to
come in and take a shower.

- Well don't look at me.
- You're the last one we suspect.

- Here, a telegram.
- A telegram for me?

I wonder who it could be from.

Well open it and read
it. Well, who is it from?

Sarge, Sarge, Sarge! Sarge!

Hold him down, hold him
while I read this wham!

Congratulations stop,
Roney-Plaza hotel in Miami Beach

awards you grand
prize in slogan contest,

glorious 10 day
stay for 2, stop.

Plane tickets and
details to follow.

He did it. He won first prize.

Sarge, I never
thought he could do it.

- Me too.
- Me too.

Yeah, I had confidence
in this boy all the way.

I'm proud of him, look at him.

Look how pale and
exhausted after a hard winter.

Don't worry I'm gonna
see to it that this boy

gets plenty of sunshine
and fresh air in Miami Beach.

You're going to fix him up? I
didn't see you get any telegram.

Well it says for 2 doesn't it.

- So what?
- And you are no more monitor.

What is monitor
got to do with it?

You don't think I'm
going to let this boy

go to Miami Beach alone
unchaperoned do you?

This innocent
boy well he'd faint

at the first sight of a bikini.

Come on Dino, have a rest.

I'm proud of you boy, come on
sit down boy, nice and comfy ah.

Yes Sarge.

But tell me again,
I don't believe it.

- It's true you won first prize.
- First prize!

I'm going to see
about our leaves.

Hey Sarge, do you think
you'll be able to get a leave?

Why not, Paparelli hasn't
been home in 8 months.

Yeah, but you
already 3 this year!

Please, those were
emergency leaves.

I remember the emergencies a
blonde, a brunette and a redhead,

the Colonel is
going to beef, Ernie

I'm surprised at you guys.

You have so little
understanding of the

basic kindness and tolerance
of our beloved Colonel,

who I will work on gently.

Now you can wire them
to expect us on Friday.

Of course I don't mind
spending my leave with your folks.

As a matter of fact I'm looking
forward to it, oh goodbye dear.

Well, that long trip again.

Now where do Mrs.
Hall's folks live Colonel?

- South Dakota.
- I've never been to South Dakota.

Don't bother; South Dakota
isn't near a blamed thing

except North Dakota.

Have you looked
outside Sir? It's snowing.

Yes, you want to know
what that means don't you,

a visit from Sgt. Bilko.

- Another leave?
- Yeah.

I wonder what excuse
he'll have this time.

The last one was
with his grandmother.

That poor woman has
had a tough stroke of luck.

She died 3 times
in the last 2 years.

No, as a matter of fact

I'm going to give him
his leave without a fight.

But Col. Hall surely between
the 2 of us we can plan.

That's not it.

I don't want leave Bilko
here when I'm gone,

I don't want to come back
and find the camp stripped bare.

Oh it's starting to
come down harder now.

Yeah. I wonder
what's keeping Bilko.

Right on time!

Come in.

Good afternoon
Sir. It's cold Sir.

It's blowing up a blizzard Sir.

Yes, accompanied by a big wind.

Well Bilko, what
can I do for you?

Oh just routine Sir.

If you'll just sign the leave
papers for Pvt. Paparelli,

the poor boy hasn't had a
leave in 8 months Sir and if...

What's the matter Bilko?

Oh it's nothing,
just a bad cough.

I've only had it
for 3 weeks Sir.

If you'll just sign... Oh, ooh!

Don't; don't be alarmed it
always stiffens up like this

whenever Jack Frost is here.

Well that's too bad,

I hope you can shuffle
cards with your left hand.

Shuffle with my,
oh that is just.

I must say you're very
courageous about your ailments.

A lesser man would
be complaining bitterly.

Well Sir when you
reach a certain age,

you learn to be philosophical
about these things.

You expect these occasional
bouts with double pneumonia, Sir.

If you'll just sign the papers,

I'll rejoin my men in
the shoveling of snow.

- Yeah, here you are Bilko.
- Thank you Sir.

Now Cpt. Barker as I was saying.

Oh darn, I wouldn't
want you to see that.

- See what?
- Tremble-itus, Sir.

- Tremble-itus?
- Yes.

A rare but mysterious disease
that has killed 17 members

of my family, my poor
grandmother how she suffered.

She must have Bilko,
it killed her 3 times.

Did it?

Bilko isn't there anything you
can do about these attacks?

Oh what I can I do Sir,
Miami Beach will just give me

temporary relief from
the excruciating pain Sir.

Well, you'd need at least
2 weeks leave to go there.

Yes, 2 weeks in Miami Beach.

I'm afraid that'd be
impossible, wouldn't it Sir?

You're right Bilko,
it's impossible.

Now Cpt. Barker,
there is a point in time.

That's enough
Bilko, that's enough.

I just want you to know that
you didn't fool me for one minute.

- Fool you?
- Tremble-itus.

I wasn't trying to
fool the Colonel.

Quiet Bilko, I've got
a surprise for you.

I'm going to give
you your leave.

- You.. thank you Sir.
- Stop it! Stop it!

- Do you know why?
- Why Sir?

Because I'm going
away for 2 weeks

and I don't want to leave
the camp at your mercy.

Thank you Sir.

I'm the only one
on this installation

that you can't outsmart.
- Yes Sir.

Now go and have my
secretary sign your leave papers.

I have them right here Sir.

If you would sign
them, I'd appreciate it

thank you very much Sir.

I do hope you have a good
time in South Dakota Sir.

Don't you worry about...

How did you know I was
going to South Dakota?

Oh I ran into your wife
this afternoon at the P.X.

and I reminded her she hasn't
seen her folks in sometime

and they're a lovely old
couple that must be lonely.

Iced in up there, thank
you very much Sir.

- Did you call me Sarge?
- Yeah.

- Did you get the plane tickets?
- I'll check again.

Good, don't forget,
pack your bathing suit.

- I'm wearing it under my uniform.
- You're wearing it?

Yeah, once we get there I
don't wanna lose any time.

Hey, here they are
Dino, special delivery.

Oh boy.

Here, here, passports
to paradise, that's all.

Hey Sarge, what
does the letter say?

- Yeah, come on read it Sarge.
- Gently, gently.

Let's see, "Dear contest
winner," that's Dino boy,

"enclosed please
find airline tickets

that will start you and your
wife on a dream honeymoon

at the Roney Plaza hotel.

Deluxe accommodations
have," ..hang on a minute.

"Start you and your wife
on a dream honeymoon."

Honeymoon, ? What
kind of a contest was this?

I forget..I entered
so many of them.

Well don't you have
the entry blank?

It's gotta be here somewhere.

How do you like this? This is
a contest for honeymooners.

Yeah, I remember
now my slogan was

Start life together
in sunny weather.

We're dead, this is a
contest for a married couple.

I had it all planned, um,
well I could kill you Dino.

If it wasn't for me you wouldn't
be going in the first place.

You go ahead, throw
it up to me, huh?

- Sarge, what is your second plan?
- Let me think.

Why don't we give
the trip to one of the

married couples on the post?

Dino, that is the most
heartwarming unselfish gesture

I ever heard of, and besides

It'll bring us a couple
of hundred bucks.

I'm going to sell
this entire package

to some married
couple on the post.

Who do you have in mind, Sarge?

None other than the
love birds of Ft. Baxter.

Tonight I will visit Rupert
Ritzik and wife, Ooh, Ooh!

Hi Emma, I hope you'll excuse

this intrusion into
your love nest.

Oh that's all right Sgt. Bilko.

Every nest must have its worm.

Rupert your lovely bride
has a way of turning a phrase.

Yeah, and stomachs too.

If I have told once I've
told you a thousand times,

I do not want that man in
my house, get him out of here.

I don't want to find him
in here when I get back.

I don't know what
he sees in that man.

Ah she is through.

You are to be envied
Rupert, what a woman that is.

She is like tigress
ferociously guarding

every moment alone with you.

What's up Bilko, game tonight?

Ah, what fire, what spirit?

It reminds one of Dolores
Del Rio in her prime.

Where is the game, in your room?

- In a way it's tragic.
- What's tragic?

Emma does look tired
she is like a faded flower

wilting for the
want of sunshine.

- Come on, get to the point Bilko.
- All right I will.

Emma looks tired,
as a matter of fact,

a few weeks of Miami Beach
will do you both the world of good.

Are you kidding, did you
ever see her in a bathing suit?

Rupert, I wouldn't ogle the
wife of a dear entrusted friend.

Come on Bilko, now
what do you want?

Okay, here is what I want.

I want happiness for you 2 kids.

For a few hundred bucks I
can fix it up for you and Emma

to spend your second
honeymoon in Miami Beach.

Are you kidding?

I took her on a
honeymoon 15 years ago

and I ain't making the
same mistake twice.

Hey, Emma, Emma...
are you joking?

- A second honeymoon?
- Whadda ya want?

Bilko thinks that you and I
should go on a second honeymoon.

- A second honeymoon?
- Yeah.

Come on, it would be a good...

- Any luck Zimmerman?
- Nothing, nothing.

This is the most aggravating
thing I ever went through.

Any married couple on the post

that wants to
go can't afford to.

Now what are you gonna do Sarge?

What am I going to
do? It's driving me nuts.

10 days in Florida in the
sunshine with bathing beauties

waiting for me and I'm
stuck here in Siberia.

Yeah, for a vacation like that
it almost pays to get married.

You ain't kidding? I myself
would, say that again.

I said for a vacation like that

it almost pays to get married.

- That's it.
- What's it?

Henshaw you're a
genius. How tall are you?

5'6" why?

Go over to quartermasters, pick
me up a WAC uniform size 12,

move, move!
- Oh no, no Sarge.

I don't want to go that bad.

Rocco, we still got those wigs

we used in the play last week?

In the backstage at the theatre.

Ah huh, go to the
theatre and pick them up.

Stop over at the
P.X. and pick me up

the cheapest wedding ring you
can find, on the double move!

- Please Sarge, no.
- Dino, it's the only way.

- Sarge, don't ask me.
- I have to, will you marry me?

Oh no!

We check in to the
hotel as Mr. and Mrs.

We get up to our room,
right? You get back

into your Army
uniform, it's a big hotel.

Nobody notices we
get lost we have a ball.

But Sarge me in a WAC uniform?

It's only for a little while.

What do I do if an
M.P. picks me up?

Well you slap his face.

Well Martha, how about it?

Oh come on fellas they'll be
here in a minute, be patient.

Mr. Tom Shibles, I just
checked with the airport

they should be here
any minute. Good.

I have a police escort
bringing them in.

Fine, fine.

This is great
publicity for your hotel.

I hope the bride is pretty.

No, don't you worry about
that, all brides are beautiful.

This will make a swell
story for you Martha.

Yes it's a good angle, a G.I
couple winning a honeymoon.

I must admit Harry this contest
idea of yours is a good one.

I can't wait to see
the happy couple.

Hey they are here, come on boys,

bring those cameras
around here they come.

Step aside, step aside!

Please, please let us
the poor girl is exhausted

please, let us through please.

- Wait Sgt. Bilko.
- Will you stop that?

All brides are beautiful, eh?

Welcome to the
Roney-Plaza, Sgt. Bilko,

- I'm Harry Edwards, publicity.
- How do you do?

May we register and
go to our room now.

Please Sergeant, these
people of the newspapers;

they just want to ask you

and your lovely
bride a few questions.

But she's so tired. It's
been a grueling day.

Mrs. Bilko is this your
first trip to Miami Beach?

Yes it is and isn't it
thrilling, such lovely time,

Will you excuse us now.

Ah, Bilko, Martha is
from the Miami Herald.

- That's nice but.
- Mrs. Bilko, what do you think

is the basis for a happy marriage?
- Well.

Togetherness... will you please?

Togetherness and mutual
respect is all you need

for a happy marriage,
now will you excuse us.

And I suppose you too
have lots in common.

Much more than you think.

Well, the poor
dear has laryngitis,

you really must excuse us now.

Oh but Sergeant, let's
just get one good picture.

Well, really now?

And let's get one of
you kissing the bride.

Please, we're newlyweds.

- Okay?
- Okay.

How about some cheese
cake shots of the bride?

- How dare you Sir?
- My wife is not that kind of a girl

That's all Bob we can
get some shots tomorrow.

- Please thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Now if there is
anything I can do for you

don't hesitate to call.

You've been more than
kind, thank you very much.

What an ordeal that was.

Ah, get a good
look at that view.

I know it's beautiful but can
I get out of this junk now?

Yeah, get out of 'em.

Do you mind turning around?

Oh come on.

Put it back on, put it on.

- I'll get the door dear.
- Are you all right?

Oh excuse me Sarge,
but I forgot to tell you.

I'm giving a cocktail party
in the Bamboo room tonight

for you and your bride.

Oh I'm afraid that's impossible,

her cold has grown
much worse hasn't it dear.

- Oh dear.
- But Sarge, we need the publicity.

Thank you, we’ll be glad to
co-operate at some other time.

Thank you very much.
Wow, what a pest.

Oh boy, I can't
wait to hit that pool,

10 days of swimming
and sunshine and at night,

cha cha cha, cha cha cha.

Dino, Dino, just a minute,
you better lay low a few days.

- What?
- Until they get used to us

and stop fussing over us.

You know what I mean, look,
we've got a good thing here,

why take chances?

Why louse it up for... which
reminds me, you better shave.

Do I have to?

- You wanna wear pancake makeup?
- I'll shave.

So you decided to
come home huh stranger?

Please don't
nag, I'm in a hurry.

Sure you got places
to go, things to do

while I rot in this lousy
room, day and night.

I can't get out
of these clothes.

Please don't grudger me,
Cynthia is double parked.

Can't this wait until tomorrow?

No it can't, it's been
going on for 5 days already.

All right I promise you,

as soon as things
cool off, you can go out.

Promises, promises
that's all I get.

I'm tired of being cooped
up. I want to have fun.

I wanna dance. I wanna live.

Shhh, please don't make a
scene people can hear you.

You're gettin' to
sound like Emma Ritzik.

Sarge, I'm going outta my mind.

I got you a
television set, didn't I?

Oh sure while you're out
dancing with bathing beauties.

I'm a charter member of
the Mickey Mouse club.

You know you've
got a beautiful sun tan

while I'm the grey
ghost of room 805.

Well you're right, you're right.

Tomorrow I'm getting'
you a sun lamp.

Thanks a heap,
anybody here today.

Oh yeah, my regular
madcap set, room service

the bell hop, the porter
it's a mad, social world.

3 times I shave, oh
today was really exciting

I cut myself twice.

Okay, you win,
I'm letting you out.

- Oh boy, I get dressed.
- Tomorrow.

Why not tonight?

Look, you waited
5 days why spoil it.

By tomorrow, they'll
stop noticing us.

We'll go out and have a ball.

Now you must excuse
me, Cynthia is waiting.

Sarge, what'll I
do, what'll I do?

Keep yourself busy
baby, press your skirt,

give yourself a facial, shave.

John I can't tell
you how glad I am

you talked me in coming
down to Miami Beach.

I can't tell you how glad I
was when your folks wired

that they wouldn't
be home this week.

I mean that I would
bring you here.

Look John, a copy of Miami live,

all the exciting places
to go and things to do.

Yes, we're really going to
have ourselves a wing ding.

- Look John.
- What is it?

A picture of Sgt. Bilko!

Oh that doesn't surprise me.

- But John, he's married.
- Married?

Let me see that.

Sergeant and Mrs. Bilko
honeymooners at the Roney-Plaza.

- What do you know, Bilko married?
- I wonder if she is pretty.

Oh you can't tell
from this picture here.

Bilko married, why
that sly old dog,

imagine him keeping it a secret.

- Oh I think it's wonderful.
- I can't wait to see his wife.

Neither can I, but
Nell I've got an idea.

- Let's go see the love birds.
- Shall we call first?

- No, let's surprise 'em, come on!
- All right.

Tell me what it's like
on the outside Sarge.

Dino it's glorious. The
women are everywhere.

You gotta beat
'em off with a stick.

Sarge, do me a favour, let
me use a very small stick.

Oh boy, I'm going
to have a good dance

and cha cha cha, cha cha cha.

Here, here, Dino aren't
you forgetting something,

there is more to
this besides dancing.

Yeah I forgot I've been
in this room so long.

Don't worry it'll all
come back to you boy.

Well, let's hurry it
up Sarge, let's go.

- Quick, in the shower!
- What's up.

Put on the wig in case,
get in the shower quick.

I'll answer the door
dear, come on, come on!

Coming, yes, ah.

- Congratulations Bilko.
- Bilko we're so happy for you.

Bilko you old rascal
snuck off and got married

without a word to nobody.
- I, I...

You know you were supposed to
get permission from your Colonel.

Well, I give it freely
and retroactively.

- Who is the lucky girl Sergeant?
- She is, she is...

I told it wouldn't be same
Bilko, look at him, still in a daze.

- Now John, don't tease him.
- Don't tease me.

Come on, we want to
meet the little woman.

- Well, she's taking a shower.
- Well, we'll wait.

- No, no.
- We just got to meet her.

She takes forever
with her showers.

Well, tell her we're here and
well maybe she'll hurry this time.

I'll, I'll tell her you're here.

Darling Colonel Hall is here!

Come on out Mrs. Bilko.

Waaaahhhh!!

Watch that hot water sugar plum.

Bilko married I
just can't believe it!

Oh I must have her over for tea

as soon as we all
get back to Ft. Baxter.

- Oh I'm she'll be thrilled.
- Bilko, I must say, I am pleased.

I was sure that once
you hit Miami Beach,

you wouldn't waste any
time getting mixed up

in some wild shenanigans.

No Sir, never again Sir.

Tell us about your
wife Sgt. Bilko.

Mrs. Hall, you
wouldn't believe it.

See if she is through. I'll see.

Sugar cake won't you hurry?

What? Oh that's
a good idea dear.

She says why don't
we meet her later,

so she can get dressed properly.

She's having a little
trouble with her hair.

- Well, maybe I can help her.
- No!!

She's gotta learn to do
these things for herself.

I tell you what Bilko,
we'll have dinner together,

you and Dinah
will be our guests.

- Oh wonderful.
- Sort of a celebration.

Swell, I'll tell
her, child bride,

we're having dinner with
the Colonel and his wife.

7 o'clock at our hotel.
We're staying at the Algiers.

Well, I know where it
is. Oh we'll be waiting.

Swell, swell.

Pretty soon Bilko,
the patter of little feet!

Oh. Goodbye Sir.

All right Paparelli,
you can come out now.

What happened to you,
why aren't you dressed?

Sarge, when you told me
the Colonel was here I fainted.

- What are you going to do?
- What can I do?

My wife and I will have to
have dinner with the Colonel.

But Sarge, they'll recognize
me. Look at my hair.

Not you, I've got to find a
dame I can pass off as my wife,

somebody that'll shock
him right out of his skin.

I tell you Nell, getting married

is the best move
Bilko ever made.

- I wonder what his wife is like?
- We'll know soon enough.

I suppose she's a sweet little
thing who's simply wild about him.

Wild is right, here she comes.

Ha, ha Ernie you funny.

Well here we are right in time,

this is my beloved Col.
Hall and his wife Mrs. Hall.

This is my little bride Dinah.

- How do you?
- How do you do?

Hello, kids, ah what do you say?

Waiter!

Those hot showers
made her thirsty.

- What would you like to have dear?
- Yes Sir.

You know how to
make a Powerhouse?

Powerhouse?

Yeah, it's a shot of
Bourbon, a shot of Gin,

and a shot of
Brandy with an olive.

- I'll have the same.
- She knows how to order.

_She's a bartender.
- A bartender?

Some swanky little joint
down town, won't you join us?

Well thanks we're
having a little Sherry.

Sherry? How square
can you get lover boy.

- 2 Powerhouses?
- Are you still here?

Move man, move.

Honey, would you
like something to eat.

Oh don't mention food
until I've had 4 or 5 drinks.

Oh yes I forgot.

Mrs. Bilko I hope you'll
love living in Roseville.

That hick town, ah.

- Hi Tony!
- Tony, Tony who?

Oh stop being so jealous,
I used to be married to him.

You used to be married to him?

Yeah, he was my
4th husband, nothing.

It's about time, where did you
have to go for these, Canada?

Well you wanna taste?

No, thanks, I have my sherry.

I've never tasted a
Powerhouse before.

Ah, it's a great drink.

Two of them and you
get the shock of your life.

- Slowly dear.
- Don't I always?

Oh boy, that was great.

- Give me yours big boy.
- Oh darling you promised.

There he goes again, look
kiddo, if you wanna get along,

stop tryin' to reform me.

Dinah you're embarrassing me.

Well that's just too bad, I
suppose I'm not good enough

for your fancy
friends or something.

I didn't say that.

- Well, if you want to be alone.
- Ah, butt out.

- Darling are you ashamed of me.
- Honey, don't do this to me.

Oh Dinah, sweetie pie,
sugar pie, I've had it Jimmo!

I am sick and tired of
you moonin' over me,

here take your ring.

- Oh.
- Hey, Tony, wait for me!

- To...
- Goodbye cutie.

She's gone. She's left me, oh.

There, there Bilko.

My bluebird of happiness
has flown out the window.

Pull yourself together my
boy, you'll find someone else.

Oh, there's nobody like Dinah.

Oh you said it.

I must go after her.

Bilko listen, you
made a mistake.

She's nothing but a floozy.

Your Sergeant's pay won't
even keep her in whiskey.

Oh but you don't know her, Sir.

Once she gets to Roseville,
she'll straighten herself out.

She's a wonderful mixer.

Ah, I'll say Bourbon,
Gin, and Brandy.

I can't help myself sir
I must follow her Sir.

- Bilko, Ten-shun.
- Yes Sir.

I'm sorry to have to do this.

I'm cancelling your leave.

But Sir, it's my honeymoon.

Bilko, you'll thank me
for the rest of your life,

return to Ft. Baxter at once.

- Is that an order, Sir?
- That's an order.

Yes Sir.

We were going to
be so happy..Dinah.

Clara should win
the academy award.

Hi Dino, what are you doing?

I'm burning my entry blanks.

- I'm through with contests forever.
- Look, Dino.

Look, if you don't
mind let's keep it

Pvt. Paparelli and
Sgt. Bilko, okay?

Dino.

I finally win a grand prize

so I get 10 days in
a stuffy hotel room.

Dino, I.

I'll have to try to
make it up to him.

- Ten-shun.
- At ease men.

- Good afternoon Sir.
- How are you feeling Bilko?

Still carryin' a torch?

- Torch?
- You know Dinah.

Somebody call me? Oh!

No, it is out sight out of mind.

As a matter of fact, we were
just burning the annulment papers.

Well I hope this will
be a lesson to you Bilko.

Oh yes sir, it's one
honeymoon I'll never forget.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

Gretchen Wyler as Clara,

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Beatrice Pons as Mrs. Ritzik,

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker,

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,

Norwood Smith as Harry,

and Will Hussung as
The Hotel Manager.