The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 25 - Bilko the Male Model - full transcript

Hey, who's the
blonde with Bilko?

- That's Lilly La Verne.
- Wow!

Hey leave it to Ernie
to horn in on a picture

of a couple of movie stars.

The Chez Paree, the Sarge
sure knows how to live, huh?

Yeah, even if it takes
every cent we got.

He's supposed
to be at Ft. Riley.

What's he doing
way out in Chicago?

That's a good question.

I hope that the Colonel
doesn't think of it.

Come on let's
see Lilly La Verne.



Ten-hut! At ease you slaves.

Good to see you.

Hey Sarge, did our
money have a good time?

Yeah.

Well, gentlemen,
what can I tell you.

What a glorious week, the
Cha Cha Cha, nightclubs

and you'll all be pleased to
know that burlesque in Chicago

is better than ever.

What Sarge, how was Lilly? Yeah.

What can I tell you
about Ms. La Verne?

Only that she's at
the peak of her career.

Hey Sarge, did you take
her out after the show?

Well, fellas, you don't want me
to answer these questions now?

Yeah Sarge come on.



You actually want me to
tell you, err, everything?

Everything. Yeah.

Well fellas I'm going
to try to tell you this

as truthfully and as
honestly as it happened.

No, Doberman will
have to leave the room.

- But Sarge.
- All right.

Oh you're much too
young. Come on tell us.

Right after Lilly's performance,
I rushed backstage

and I want to tell you
I had a terrible time

getting to her dressing room.

I had to claw my
way through a line of

scantily clad chorus girls,

I came ultimately to
Lilly's dressing room.

I didn't knock at her door.

I burst right open and there

there stood Lilly,

fully dressed and ready to go.

Please gentlemen this
is just the beginning.

From there we went to this
Viennese nightclub in the loop.

Candlelight, this
girl loves candlelight.

Hey Sarge.

Soft music with violins,
and we're swaying,

softly and she is
getting close to me

in this ear she is
whispering little things.

- You know what she's saying?
- No.

Andin this little
ear here she said,

"honey, let's go to my place."

What?

Quiet, and listen
and you'll hear.

And in this ear
she whispers to me,

"honey, why don't
we go to my place?"

Uuh! Doberman out of the room!

- Sarge, come
on. Forget it Sarge.

So I say to myself I
hardly know this girl,

should I go or shouldn't I go?

Should I go or shouldn't I go?

Don't be a jerk, go, go!

Come on go! Go!

I went!

Well, Sir we get
to her apartment.

Was it a nice apartment?

I'm going to tell you the
truth Zimmy, I don't know.

It was so dark.

Uuh! This girl with candles...

Horsey, horsey, we
haven't left the post yet.

Get this...

Again with the candlelight

soft, little radio
playing music.

I didn't ask her, but before
I know it I'm in her arms,

and she's holding on to me.

She's holding me,
but I didn't hold her.

She's holding me
this way and this way.

Then, and then.
- And then?

Then her mother came in

we had some coffee and
cake and I went home.

Sarge? So, that was all?

Of course what do you expect?

I can tell you more exciting
stories about me and my wife!

Yeah.

- What happened at the Chez Paris?
- Yeah.

The Chez Paris, how does he
know I was in the Chez Paris?

We saw your picture
in Life Magazine.

Oh, what a night that
was at the Chez Paris!

Oh!

My picture in Life?

Yeah. Here it is
Sarge, it just came in.

See, you and Lilly La Verne.

You're famous Sarge.

Yeah I'm famous.

My Court-Martial
will make headlines.

I was supposed
to be at Ft. Riley

those phony reports I've
been sending in to the Colonel.

If he sees this I'm cooked.

But what if the
Colonel don't see it?

What are you talking about?

He gets Life every
week he's bound to see it.

Oh, I've got to stop him
from seeing this week's issue.

I don't mind being a 30 year
man, but not in Leavenworth.

Roc it ain't here, keep looking.

You're welcome Sir.

Ah, what do you think
you're doing Bilko?

We're just looking
through the mail.

You've got no right to
look for anything in here,

this is Government property.

I can report you
to our postmaster.

Relax, so I was
looking through the mail,

don't make a whole
Federal case out of it.

I was just going to bring
in the Colonel his mail.

- I just delivered it.
- He delivered it?

- So what..?
- You stay right here.

Sgt. Bilko reporting
back for duty Sir.

I assumed you
received the reports.

Oh here they are right here Sir.

Would you mind looking
at the reports, Sir?

I knew you were coming back.

I've had an earache all morning!

Oh, you always
make me amused Sir,

but we do have to
get these reports back,

would you mind
looking at them Sir?

Bilko what's the matter with
you, you were testing dump trucks

not atomic weapons, now
go about your business.

I'd like to read my
magazine in peace

Oh I appreciate that Sir.

But if you would just
look at the report Sir,

and after that we
can carry on our work.

Knowing that the
report's not... Sir?

Bilko I will take
these reports home.

I will read them for the
second time, very carefully.

I will analyze them, I will
forward them to the Pentagon,

to the Chiefs of Staff,
what are you looking at?

At your eyes Sir, are
they always this inflamed?

Inflamed? Blink
them Sir, that's good.

Now blink them rapidly
in succession Sir.

Now Sir would you
mind rolling your eyes?

More rapidly Sir. That's
splendid yes I can see.

When did you have
a physical last, Sir?

- 3 months ago.
- And your eyes did they pass?

- Yes they're good - Well
you can't be too sure, Sir.

My conscience won't be clear

if I don't give you
this quick eye test Sir.

But Bilko I haven't got time.

But Sir, after all
it's so important,

the eyes are the
window of the soul Sir.

Just look at this,
what is this letter?

- L?
- That's very good Sir.

Now cover the eye, now I'll
take another letter what is this?

- E.
- Now will you cover the other eye,

leaving that eye open
and what do you see there?

- F.
- That's splendid

but you are familiar
with the word.

We have to jump to
another page, what is this?

- O.
- Now the other eye?

- L.
- Now both eyes Sir,

- Splendid.
- Bilko I can't see anything.

Now Sir press your arms
against your eyes, Sir.

Against the eyeball
Sir. That's fine.

Now do you feel any sensation

of a swimming whirling
noise in your ears?

No!

Then you're passing it
splendidly both eyes open,

- what does this say?
- Life.

Thank heavens
your eyes are okay.

Here Sir. Thank you Bilko.

Oh no Sir, in
helping the Colonel

I believe I've helped myself.

Thank you Sir.

Gentlemen, this
picture was published

by Life Magazine this week

and in 2 days Life
received over 10,000 letters

commenting on this picture.

Every one of them ignored Reed
Randall the big Hollywood star,

and asked about the
soldier in the background

with the refreshing
laughable face.

That's very interesting,
but what has it got to do

with our client
Royal Oxford Mills?

I'm coming to that.

What is the No.1
problem facing the client?

How do we expand
his sales to reach

the lower and
middle income group?

Exactly, now we in Motivational
Research have a new theory.

The average man in the
street does not identify

with the traditional good
looking, well-groomed model.

He seems beyond reach.

We say, this common,
friendly face, homely if you like,

is precisely the type of
model Royal Oxford needs

for their new campaign.

What do you think J.B?

Well I don't know.

Let's toss it around and
see if it makes a salad.

Larkin, how do we
lineup for the kick-off?

Well let's give it
a routine field-test.

We'll use a model
of this homely type

and see if he can sell

one of the client's
most expensive items,

the Royal Oxford
Silk Smoking Jacket.

What do you think J.B?

I'm sold.

Larkin, you're the quarterback,

now let's head
for the Rose Bowl.

Let's kick this idea right
between the uprights.

Tom, you run
interference for Larkin.

Remember my boy this maybe
your chance to make the first team.

Thanks, Dad.

Now all we need is a model
who looks like this soldier.

Well why take chances on a
carbon copy, let's get the original!

Col. Hall, did you
wish to see me Sir?

That's him, that's
the man Colonel.

I deny it, I never saw this
man before in my life, Sir.

- Bilko.
- Sir, I have a rule.

I'd never play
cards with strangers.

I don't get what he says Sir.

- Quiet Bilko!
- Sir.

Have you seen this
picture in Life magazine?

Picture, oh isn't
that Reed Randall?

Say I do enjoy
him in the movies.

Is that you? You
don't look anything

like your pictures I must say.

Not him! The soldier
at the next table.

Soldier, what soldier Sir?

Yes, a soldier in a
nightclub in Chicago

when he was supposed
to be on duty at Ft. Riley.

Oh I see what
you're getting at Sir.

There is a startling resemblance

between that soldier and myself.

But surely Sir,
you don't think that.

But nothing! That's you!

Sir, I never told you this.
But I had a twin brother.

When we were infants
a roving band of gypsies

swept down on our village.

Is this him, are you from
the detective agency?

Rodney? Is that Rodney?

My goodness it does look like...

- Quiet Bilko!
- Sir.

This is Mr. Larkin, from
an advertising agency

in New York that for
some strange reason

wants to use you as a model.

Advertise...? Me,
model in New York?

Forget it Bilko.

You're not going to
set foot off this camp

for at least a year.
I'm sorry, Larkin.

Oh you're absolutely
right Sir, please Mr. Larkin

convey our regrets to your

advertising agency
and the Pentagon.

I'll show you out, this way
Sir if you want to come with me

The Pentagon?

Well of course you must have

cleared your request
through the Pentagon.

Its true Colonel, we
thought it would be better

to go through the
proper channels.

And they promise you
the fullest cooperation

right down the line?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Full cooperation?

I know how disappointing

this must be to you Mr. Larkin,

but surely you and your
associates must realize

that the discipline
of an Army camp

comes before even the Pentagon

and their tremendously
important public relations.

I'll show you the way
out. Wait a minute Bilko.

No Colonel Hall,
this is my fault.

I won't have you
sacrifice your integrity

to please the whim of some
4 star General in Washington.

I'll be the judge of that, Bilko.
- No, Sir.

You go back and tell them
Col. Hall overrules them Sir.

- Bilko!
- Yes Sir!

- You're going to New York!
- Is that a direct order?

It certainly is.

I'll be ready in an
hour, my Colonel.

Ernie, if you get $100 an hour,

6 hours a day,
that's $600 a day.

Yes. I guess that's right.

5 days a week
that's $3,000. Yeah.

Hey, Sarge that's
$156,000 bucks a year.

Not quite gentlemen,
you're forgetting

I'm going to take 2
weeks off each year.

After all my face, it'll
get tired occasionally.

Hey Sarge, you
want a little hair tonic.

No, leave it
fluffy the way it is.

Okay Sarge, you're all packed.

Where is Doberman?
I can't leave without it.

Here Sarge, here
is your make up kit.

Well, there it is.

You can't leave without
the tools of your trade, right?

- Yeah.
- Did you put the?

Yeah, the eyelash
curler's inside.

All right, don't be wise guy.

I mean what’s the use
of having long lashes

if you don’t exploit them?

- Grab my bags, come on.
- Right, Sarge.

Hey Sarge, will you call us and
let us know how you made out?

I'll try to, but you
must realize boys,

all those photographers
in New York,

they see a new face,
everybody wants to gets at it,

I might be quite busy.

But I'll think of you, oh,
Madison Avenue, here I come.

A cheer for the Sarge!

- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!

- Hip hip!
- Hooray.

Get the picture Pete?

Distinguished
elegance on one side,

Mr. Average Mug over here.

I get it, Mr. Larkin.

All right my
dear, I'll find it..

There you are Larkin.
Bilko, you're here.

Sorry to be late, but
that deuced barber

took forever with my massage.

Bilko, this is Pete
Summers, our photographer.

Ah Pete, I've seen some of
your work in the better magazines.

And this is Dennis
Standish, our other model.

Pete, we'll work together fine.

You'll find me very
easy to get along with.

However if I may give
you a few suggestions,

in your overhead lighting, you
will watch the high cheekbones.

I have extremely high
cheekbones. All right Sir.

I believe Tony Curtis
has the same trouble,

and it's for the profile,
I have no preference.

However, if I had my
druthers as we say down south,

I'd use the right profile.

I see. Now you will
watch my lashes.

They are so extremely long,
they're aft to cast a shadow,

light that very
carefully. Of course.

Now it's about your mouth.

That's going to be
difficult to photograph.

- Why?
- It seems to be always moving.

Good one Pete.
I like a little jolly.

I'll take over Pete, err. Will
you slip on this jacket Bilko?

I'll be glad to.
Get set up Pete.

Now in this picture I
want you and Dennis

to be standing next to
each other, and with...

Excuse me? Dennis
and I in the same picture?

- Yes why?
- Don't you want any contrast?

Don't worry Bilko,
there will be plenty.

I guess you know
what you're doing.

Yes, that's right.

Now in this picture I want
you Dennis to be step...

oh would you take off your tie
and unbutton the top 2 buttons.

Oh the bare chest idea.

Very good I like
that, the virility bit.

Yeah very good. That's right.

Now here is the pitch Bilko.

In this picture I want you and
Dennis to be toasting each other,

and at the bottom of the
ad we'll have our slogan,

"On Park Avenue,
on Tenth Avenue,

its Royal Oxford
Smoking Jackets."

Good slogan, I'll work
on it for a while and..

Let's get going, all
right, we're good to go.

No, no, no Bilko,
you're on the other side.

The other side? 10th Avenue?

That's right.

Oh diamond-in-the-rough
I got you, very good.

All right.

Here we are, go
right ahead Pete.

No, no, Bilko, move over and
relax, now be yourself smile.

No, no Bilko, what
we want is the quality

of that picture of
you in Life Magazine.

The simple, ordinary looking
man with the homely grin.

Me? Ordinary?

Yeah, we want the
10th Avenue quality?

- Me, homely?
- We want the common man.

You don't want a model,
you want a common slob!

- Exactly.
- What?

You see Bilko, you have
a very special quality, yes.

You know I'd like to swing
them over to my theory

a man like you could become
indispensable to the agency.

- Indispensable, right?
- Absolutely.

- I'll give you just what you want.
- Fire away Pete anytime you say.

Wonderful. Ready Dennis?

Yeah. I'm ready.

- How does he look Pete?
- Terrible.

Good, shoot it.

Well gentlemen,
what do you think?

Well I just hope Larkin
knows what he's doing.

It's hard to believe that
face will sell smoking jackets.

Yes, good afternoon gentlemen,
I see you're all very busy,

chugging away
thinking of new idea.

There it is the picture. What?

I could have done much better,

you can see what they
gave me to work with.

I just, J.B you
must be rather busy.

So, if you'll just sign this
contract, I'll be off and running.

Contract? Contract?

Why this one
picture is all we need.

Well all right, and I'll give
you a short term contract,

- make... one picture?
- Exactly.

Well even for a passport
you need 2 pictures.

But for now we've got
to field test the idea.

Send up a trial balloon
to get public opinion.

- Trial balloon?
- Yes.

You see we pick a small
typical American town

and we saturate it with this ad,

posters, newspapers the works,

and if your face
sells our product,

you can write your own ticket.

I see.

In other words it means
my career depends on

what this small town says to us?

That's right Bilko.
It's rather fascinating.

Um, how do you go about
selecting this small town?

Well, that's no problem at all.

We just go to the heart of the
area such as Iowa, Nebraska.

Oh I see, any typical town in
Iowa or Nebraska, or Kansas.

That's right.

Oh which Kansas city
do you intend to use?

Well, that's no problem, we
just select them at random.

Oh you mean like Wichita,
Topeka or Roseville?

Yes. Roseville?

I don't understand that, do
you think that Roseville, Kansas

a place which
nobody ever heard of,

you're going to use
that as a test run?

Roseville, Kansas, I
find that rather ridiculous.

Eh, Bilko I have been in
this business for 30 years,

and when I say that
Roseville, Kansas

is a typical American
small town, I

know what I'm talking about.

Now you know why this
man is the head of this agency.

He makes a decision
and sticks to it.

By George, you have
my admiration Sir.

Thank you Bilko.

Now Tom you'll
get out to Roseville

and stay right on
top of this field test.

Take a note, "Dear Sir, just
loved your smoking jacket ad."

Hey Ernie you
must be getting busy

flying Roseville to New
York, New York to Roseville.

The pay-off is
going to be worth it.

You can't leave
anything to chance.

They're gonna get
a reaction to their ad

that they never expected.

- Oh Hensh.
- Yeah.

You're all set to go
into town tomorrow?

Right. How about the platoon?

All set.

Now I want them
all tomorrow morning

at Folsom's Department
Store at 10 o'clock.

- They know what to do?
- Check.

See that they get
anything they need.

- Right.
- Now where was I?

"Dear Sir, I just love
your smoking jacket ad."

Yes..."and who was the
darling model with the glasses?"

And sign that Mrs.
Rochelle Barbella.

How much does that
make? Oh about 35.

Better make it an even
50 take another one.

Write this one
with your left hand,

so they won't recognize
the handwriting.

Smoking jackets in the Army?

You see how it is Rocco,
progress frightens them.

Did you ever hear
of Major Zinzer?

No.

Perhaps you remember
him as Supply Sgt. Zinzer.

That is before he came up
with the Eisenhower Jacket.

And they made him a Major?

Do you have a
quartermaster manual here?

Yeah, yeah. Don't you ever

read your own manual
where it clearly states

Supply Sergeant's
should use imagination

- in the ingenuity and confidence...
- Where does it say that?

You'll be a Sergeant
for the rest of your life.

But Ernie, a smoking jacket?

Don't refer to it as
a smoking jacket,

think of it as the
Pendleton jacket.

The Pendleton jacket?

Is there any rule that
says the enlisted man

in his hour of comfort, must
sit around in his underwear?

Pendleton jacket.

You say they've made
15 phone calls so far?

Yes, everybody has been
asking about your smoking jackets.

Apparently your
ad is a big success.

Well that's very encouraging.

Excuse me bub, say friend where
can I buy one of them smoking jackets?

Right here Sir.

Great to relax in after you
get through feeding the hogs.

Hey, how much for
your smoking jacket?

Excuse me but I was here first.

Who you push plough boy?
Me citizen. I'm not fussed...

Excuse me, excuse me, I'd like
one of them there smoking jackets.

My wife say I look just like
that there fellow in the ad.

- Excuse me bub I was here first.
- Who you push.

Hey, hand me I want to buy
one of them smoking jackets.

Back in line.

Oh it doesn't make a
difference, green, red I don't care.

- Excuse me I was here
first - Who you push?

- Gentlemen please.
- Who you push?

Me want smoking jacket,
me tired of blankets.

Gentlemen, you will
be pleased to learn

that our field test has
exceed our fondest hopes.

Yeah, 27 smoking
jackets sold in just 2 days.

Hundreds of enthusiastic
letters commenting on the ad.

Motivational research was right,

faces like Bilko's in our
ads will sell, sell, sell!

Hello gentlemen.
How boy, how are you?

Well, you'll be
surprised to hear

that our field test has
been a smashing success.

Well isn't that interesting.

I guess you were
right about that town.

- What was the name again?
- Roseville Kansas.

Oh yes, I find it hard
to remember that name.

Well now shall we
get down to business?

Are you ready to
start posing for us?

Anytime time you say J.B!

All you have to do is
just sign this contract.

Yes, but what is this,
the Bilko Model Agency.

J.B I think you would agree

that the trend in commercial
advertising these days

goes away from the
pretty boy type of model,

and leans more towards
the average mug type,

do you agree to that?

Yes

Well I'll have happy
news for all of you.

I have cornered the mug market.

Yes but let's have
a sample of it.

Well, where are they?
Let’s have a sample

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please I can't just

herd them in here like cattle,

each one is a gem
in his own right,

they must be show-
cased and highlighted.

Gentlemen are
you ready out there?

And so we begin
the parade of charm.

First I would like you to
meet from Chicago Illinois,

115 pounds of male
versatility, 'Choo Choo' Paparelli.

Ah, very interesting.

- I can sing too.
- Then we have,

from Brooklyn, New York, that
sweet maturity of middle age,

'Rusty' Fender.
You see the appeal?

You see the appeal?
You see it don't you?

And here we have all the way

from Scranton Pennsylvania,
that million dollar monk,

'Jinx' Mullen. You
see the imagination?

Now gentlemen please
you'll all inhale, please.

Take a deep breath because
we have now the best of show,

230 pounds of male
pulchritude, 'Candy' Doberman.

Oh! Brilliant!

My suggestion to you
J.B is full steam ahead

let’s pull up anchor,
what do you think?

It's a deal Bilko.

All you have to do is just sign
that and we make our move,

all right boys, it's to work.

Splendid you won't regret
this J.B. fellows, come on!

Cologne commercial take one.

Action!

Isn't he divine?

I think he's dreamy!

He's the living end.

My secret is Male Tiger Cologne.

Oh.

It gets them every time.

Wait a minute, what are
you doing with the bottle?

That's how I drink beer.

This is not a beer ad.

This is a high
class ad for a liquor.

Now do you mind
drinking out of glass?

And don't wipe your
mouth on your sleeve,

remember you're an aristocrat.

Come on, give me a lot of class.

All right, get ready take it.

All right get ready for
the soap commercial.

Here Candy, you hold it in this
hand and give me a big smile.

All right, take it.

But Sarge, why does it
always have to be me?

Come in.

Ah, Sgt. Pendleton, how are you?

Just fine Sir, and yourself?

I feel wonderful Sergeant,
it always happens

when Bilko and his
platoon go on furlough.

I have something for you Sir,

would you mind slipping
into this jacket Sir?

Oh what is it, a new uniform?

Just try it Sir.

Certainly feels comfortable.

Now you just tie the sash Sir.

Sash?

Well what is it?

I bought 50 of them Sir.

I figured they'd be an improvement
on those ugly G.I fatigues.

You bought 50 of these
with Government money?

Yes Sir, I call it the
Pendleton Jacket, Sir.

And I call it idiotic nonsense,
return these jackets at once.

- But Sir, Bilko said that.
- Bilko said, Bilko said!

Even when he's on
furlough I can't escape him.

- Take that out of here!
- Yes Sir.

Are you sure J.B?
It sounds impossible.

And there is no doubt about it.

These are the
final sales reports.

Now figures don't lie,

the smoking jacket
campaign in Roseville

was a complete and dismal flop.

Every order cancelled,
every jacket sold was returned.

The reaction was
completely negative.

- That bad?
- Bad?

It's almost as if the people
of Roseville knew Bilko

and resented him.

When the ad first appeared
we got over 200 letters

each one praising the new
approach, look here they are.

Yes, love that model
with the glasses,

let us have more like him.

Adored, wait just a minute.

Why what's the matter?

Well look at these postmarks,

they're all the same, Ft.
Baxter, Roseville Kansas.

Ft. Baxter, why isn't
that where Bilko...?

Gentlemen, we've
been taken! Yeah.

Ah it happens.. I hate to
disturb your creative sessions,

but J.B it is the end of the
week... payday you know.

Oh yes I know and believe me

you're going to get
everything that's coming to you.

Did you hear that Candy?

Does that give you
a warm glow all over?

It shows you gratitude
is not dead in all people.

Let me see, we have
a sum here of $11,300.

If you'll just call your
accounting department

and okay this voucher,
I would appreciate it.

Bilko, this campaign was a flop!

One week after your face
appeared in the smoking jacket ad,

sales in Roseville
dropped to -3%.

Oh that's a small recession
and it will all come back again.

But I feel I should
make some gesture,

so we'll take original
sum of 11,300

we'll cut it right in half,
make it a flat $3,000.

Bilko, those letters were a
phony, the sales were a phony.

Why you had the
whole thing rigged.

Sir, I wouldn't do business
with a man who dares accuse me

of such vile tactics, I want
nothing to do with you anymore.

And so we'll make the whole
thing terminated for a flat $1,000,

call the accountant
department it is extension 7311.

Thanks.

Mildred will you get me the
District Attorney's office please?

Never mind I just
want to apologize.

I just want nothing

and we'll take our
business to another agency.

Run, Candy run, run

But Sir, it was just a trial
balloon, they were going to see...

Quiet Bilko, how can I
ever get it into your head

that this is the Army!

We are soldiers,
not lounge lizards!

Smoking jackets with
sashes, the Pendleton Jacket.

But Sir, if the name bothers you

we can change it to
the John Hal' jacket, Sir.

Quiet Bilko!

No reputable soldier
would be ever caught dead

wearing one of those
sissy, smoking jackets.

- John.
- Ah, Mrs. Hall,

I was just leaving.

Wait a minute Bilko
I haven't finished yet.

But I'm sure you want
to talk to Mrs. Hall Sir.

It can wait.

What I have to say to
you is more important.

- Yes Sir.
- Now where was I?

John, dear I have a
big surprise for you.

- Close your eyes.
- Oh Nell.

John look at the
wonderful bargain

I picked up for you at
Folsom's Department store.

Thank you dear.

Now look here Bilko, you tried
every scheme and this is a hoax.

Oh Sir, look I just
can't but exclaim.

This is, this oh what an
excellent choice Mrs. Hall.

You captured the
Colonels taste. It's so soft

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Frederic Tozere as J.B,

Erik Rhodes as Smithers,

Dean Almquist as Franklin,

David White as Larkin

and Sandy Kenyon
as the photographer.