The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 24 - Bilko the Genius - full transcript

Sarge there's a guy
outside to see..you a civilian.

- A civilian?
- Yeah his name is Buzzy Grogan...

You know a Buzzy,
Buzzy Grogan is he here?

Yeah. Show him in.

Buzzy Grogan. Who
is Buzzy Grogan Ernie?

He's an old buddy of mine

he used to run the
Motor Pool before I did.

The last I heard of him
he was driving a cab.

Oh, oh sounds like a touch.

Yeah I never heard of Hacky
yet who wasn't supporting

a wife, 3 children, and
the finance company.



Sarge that's the last 5.

Look when a buddy is in
trouble you don't ask questions.

This poor jerk driving a cab,

he had such cushy
job in the Army.

Here he is, Sarge.

Ernie? Buzzy!

You old pirate.

Look at you, you look fine.

A little pale but
that's understandable.

Say hello to Rocco and Henshaw.

Hiya boys. Hey Buzzy.

How are you doing?

Well I... Oh don't
bother I understand

Here's a little
something for the kids.



- Ernie?
- Will you, will you.

How many kids have you got?

Well I got 5 but look Ernie, I?

- 5,5 kids, why don't you reenlist?
- What?

Look you come back in the Army.

You don't have
to put up with this

hand to mouth
existence of yours.

In the Army you get
$250 a month base pay,

with extras for
the kids. 5 kids.

Ernie I own 300 cabs.

Look, you'd come
back in the Army,

conduct yourself with dignity.

You don't have to depend on
some square for a ten cent tip.

In the Army you've got security.

You've got a pension.
You've got 300 cabs?

You have 300 cabs?

Yeah, I'm doing great, Ernie.

Oh it's good to see you again.

300 cabs? Ernie get the $5 back?

Will you, will you, will you.

300 cabs you must
have been pretty lucky.

Oh it wasn't luck, remember
how you used to laugh at me

when I was taking that

business administration
course in the Army,

while you shot dice
and played poker?

You've got a rich man standing
Where's your hospitality?

Sit down, get some coffee.

Tell me something.

The Army taught you how
to become a millionaire?

Well it helped.

Look, tell me something, what
courses did you take in the Army?

Did anybody tip you
off? Who did you go to?

Was it night classes?

The aptitude tests that
you are about to take

will help the Army determine
what you're best suited for.

Whether it be engineering,
accounting business administration.

Oh I'm sorry I'm late Sir

I had a little trouble
finding the school building.

Oh by the way are
you the same professor

who taught Buzz Grogan?

Please be seated Sgt. Bilko.

You're just in time to
take the aptitude test.

Oh good I was up all
night studying... students.

Isn't it fun being
back in school again?

Oh I can hardly wait. I
love a good stiff challenge.

Let's get one thing
straight right away,

don't look it over to
my pages, all right.

I mean you work your
problem. I'll work mine.

And you'll find out
as you go along in life,

a cheater, only cheats himself.

Sounds good huh. Yes Sir.

Should be a model on that.

All right gentlemen
you have exactly

one hour to complete
the test. Start.

Sir could you do this from...

No cheating, watch that.

Oh, I'm, sorry I took down
your paper, excuse me.

I'm sorry our writing
is so much alike.

It's a natural mistake.

Funny thing happened,
he dropped his paper.

Just giving it back,
don't write so fast.

Oh the ventilation.

All right Bilko your time is up.

- Are you finished?
- Yeah, boy am I finished.

Look Sir couldn't this
test be our little secret?

I don't even look
at them Sgt. Bilko.

I just send them
right to Washington.

You see I wasn't prepared
if I could just write on this.

No!

Gentlemen that's why I
called you together on Sunday

to launch Operation Brainpower.

We're going to
evaluate all the tests

that every man has
taken in the Army.

The results of these tests have
been condensed and transferred

to an IQ card for each soldier.

And these holes
tell us a story about

the mentality of each soldier?

Yes when put through the
automatic classification machine.

That's exactly what our

classification
department is doing now.

Before we leave this room
the machine will sort through

millions of such cards
and give us the IQs of men

ranging from average to genius.

Oh, there you are Nelson,
Boy I'm glad you're here.

I thought I was going
to play 18 holes today.

What's so important
that you had to

take me off the golf course?

I didn't even get a
chance to change.

It's a rush job.

The general wants
these as soon as possible.

Oh rush job.

Here's the last, Fort Meade,
Fort Dix and Fort Baxter.

All the data has been
transferred to the IQ card.

Thank you, here stack
this for me will you?

Okay, let's get this over with.

I'd like to play
golf in the daylight.

Don't worry I'll run these cards
through the machine in no time.

I'll have you back on the
golf course before you know it.

Hey you dropped one.

- Here you are General.
- Tom..good.

Gentlemen these cards represent

the intellectual
elite of our Army.

Pvt. Dawson, Fort Monmouth.

PFC Maxwell Fort Dix.

Cpl. Engel, Fort Benning.

- This is shameful.
- What is it Sir?

Here is a man who's been
in the Army for 15 years

and we're just getting
around to realizing

that he has a
rating of a genius.

Mark this name well gentlemen,

Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko,
Fort Baxter, Kansas!

Bilko a genius?
I don’t believe it.

The message from the
Pentagon couldn't be clearer Sir.

Well come to think of
it I'm not too surprised.

He took such pains
with that aptitude test.

Bilko a genius? I
wonder how he fixed that.

Oh Col. Hall.

Nobody can fix the automatic
classification machines

of the Pentagon.

I wonder what they
have in mind for Bilko/

With all the emphasis on
brain power these days,

probably some big job.

Perhaps even a Staff Officer.

Bilko a Staff
Officer? And I thought

he was a cinch for the Bowery.

Oh Capt. Barker,
how are you Sir?

I'm fine Bilko, I'm
just sorry the Army

isn't gonna let you stay
here to go to school.

What?

The Colonel will
tell you all about it.

Good luck.

Sir you're not gonna
put me out of the Army,

just because I
failed the test Sir.

I assure you if I had
a little more time Sir.

Bilko please I've got a
report from Washington.

If it's the FBI,
Sir I didn't cheat.

I thought about it
but I didn't definitely...

Bilko stop worrying
about the test.

- You passed it.
- I passed it?

Bilko you not only passed it,

but this report from Washington
gives you a rating of genius.

Oh come now Colonel
you're pulling my leg.

No genius. Me, a genius?

Furthermore you've
received instructions

to board an Eastbound
train tomorrow morning.

I'm a genius.

Once aboard,
you're to open these

sealed orders and
proceed accordingly.

Clever yes, but a genius?

Bilko some of us have a hunch

that you may even
become a Staff Officer.

You know..the Pentagon.

All I meant to do was
to take a small course

in business administration,
but a genius?

There you go. Oh
yes I'm a genius.

Bilko a genius. So that's
what we were up against.

No wonder he took all our money.

Bilko a genius all these
years I thought he was a crook.

He is a genius Sarge, a genius.

I wonder if he'll
invent anything.

He already did, the 7 hour week.

I know it's gonna feel strange

without a genius
in the barracks.

You know Rocco,
when you pack my stuff

be sure to put in my books.

You mean all of your copies
of Key Hole Magazine?

Those magazines are ghastly.

What are you all staring at?

Excuse us Sarge, we
never saw a genius before.

Hey Sarge what do you
think the Army will use you for?

Oh I don't know
maybe nuclear physics,

engineering,
chemistry, maybe all 3.

Oh incidentally Rocco be
sure to wake me up at 3 am.

That'll only give
you 4 hours sleep.

So what, that's all the sleep
Thomas A. Edison needed.

Hey Sarge, where do
you think they'll send you?

Oh wherever they need a genius.

Europe?

Asia?

- Why don't you try the moon?
- The moon?

Please you didn't hear
it from me, gentlemen.

Goodnight genius.

Well Sgt. Bilko here are the
men you're going to work with

and I know you're going
to do a bang up job for us.

You can depend upon
me Sir. My brains are yours.

Good that's what's needed,
you see each of these men

is a specialist in his
own scientific field.

What we need is an experienced
Army man to supervise the men.

Naturally somebody
with the intelligence

to grasp the work
that's being done.

But of course.

Now if you'll just tell
me what this project is?

Oh it's much too
complicated for me Bilko

but you'll get it the
minute your colleagues

fill you in on it.
- Of course.

Men this is Sgt. Bilko from
now on he is the man in charge.

- Hey Sergeant.
- How are you team?

They're all yours now Sergeant.

Now we're certainly
glad you're here Sergeant

I'm Galileo Barton,
a meteorologist.

How do you do?

And this is Walter
Maxwell engineering.

Maxwell glad to have you aboard.

I'm sure you're
eager to see my report

on the thermo-dynamic
intravizascope.

Yes, of course I believe
you spelled it wrong.

However we'll
go into that later.

I'm Dawson, my
field is mathematics.

Mathematics, splendid I was
always keen on long division.

I say you're completely wrong.

And I say you're wrong.
You're talking nonsense.

Gentlemen, gentlemen
please must I remind you

this is a room of science.

Now what is this
bickering? What is it?

I say mathematics is
infallible. It's an exact science.

And you have the
nerve to argue with that?

Oh don't you see
Sergeant there are

too many unknown
elements and factors

for mathematics to
be infallible in all fields.

You didn't tell me that, you
just told me your side didn't you.

No, I know what you're
thinking you're going to mention

the causative factors
of pure chance.

I was gonna mention it but
now that you did, why bother?

No, he wasn't he
thinking of the unreliability

of any formula utilizing so many
unknown elements and factors.

Am I right Sergeant?
Mathematics isn't infallible.

No the variables of
any formula right now.

Just a minute. Now what is H2O?

Water. Of course
there you have it.

Have what?

I'm due back at the
Majors office, reporting duty.

Let me leave you with this thought,
H2O, zero Fahrenheit is what?

What? Ice water.

Think, think. Come on.

Come in.

Major Donnegan.
Sgt. Bilko reporting Sir.

Sgt. Bilko, well how
did you find the men?

Simulating group aren't they?

They're a fine bunch of chaps

but I had to straighten
them out on water Sir.

Water?

Yes a little too complicated
for you to understand

so I gave them
the H2O treatment.

Oh I see, I'll just go
into the security office

and get the men's
records. You'll need them.

Make yourself
comfortable Sergeant.

Thank you Sir. Your phone.

Hello Major Donnegan's office.

No the Major isn't here.

Well this is Capt.
Potter of the Pentagon.

Will you tell the
Major there's been

a terrible error
in our IQ cards?

I don't know how it happened
but Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko

doesn't belong in
the genius class.

As a matter of fact he's a...

no, well that's
beside the point.

You're getting an order
sending him back to Fort Baxter.

You should have it in 2 days.

I'll see that the Major
gets the message.

Yes, I've got it
Sergeant. Ernest G. Bilko,

yes I know I'll
tell him. Figured.

If I had any brains I'd
know I wasn't a genius.

Me thinking that I'm in the same
class with those guys, uum...

how nutty can you get?

2 days, 2 days, how can
I use all that brainpower

those guys can
figure out anything.

But what? What? What?

Hello, hello, huh, huh.

What did you tell me?

Sarge, Sergeant,
I was wondering.

Later later, Wilkins
come here a minute.

I've been mulling
over your theory.

What theory?

You still contend that
mathematics can solve any problem?

Definitely Bilko but why?

Oh purely in the
interest of science.

Suppose a group of animals
were going to any given direction,

each animal exerting the
maximum amount of energy,

now can mathematics determine
which one will be victorious?

Like in a horse race?

Say that's an interesting so
what made you think of that?

Yes like in a horse race.

That's a very
interesting hypothesis,

the application of higher
mathematics to horse racing.

Of course if this
is just theory.

Oh no Bilko I'm
positive it can be done.

Now we owe it
to science to try it.

Let's finds a
newspaper I understand

they occasionally print
the racing selections.

Oh ah Dawson would you
get us a newspaper quickly.

All we do is determine the...

get us the newspaper we wanna
look at the racing selections.

There's your winner
Sgt. Bilko Blue Devil.

Paper says that nag is
ready for the glue factory.

Not according to my
formula, here is how it works.

Track conditions plus
distance over weight

plus the square root
of the animal's age

divided by the differential
of his past performance

raised to the 3rd
power equals the winner.

That's all there's to it.

Blue Devil's the winner.

Well I'd like to
take your word for it,

but we've got to make
sure, turn on the radio.

It's mathematically
impossible for him to lose.

Okay, okay but we better check.

Quiet, here comes the results.

And now racing
fans here is the result

of the 4th race at Santa Anita.

The winner is the
Blue Devil paying...

You're a genius,
I've been lookin'

for someone like
you all of my life.

- We'll be rich, rich.
- Rich?

Rich in the scientific
sense of course.

Rich in the knowledge that man
no longer has to live by chance.

Oh! forgive me men my
emotions are running away with me.

I forgot we're all
men of science.

Wilkins I'm giving you a
chance to put your theory

- to a realistic testing.
- Gee thanks Sergeant Bilko.

You're going to pick the 8
winners at Santa Anita tomorrow.

Tomorrow, that's
awful short notice.

Yes I know but I promised
myself 2 days to finish this project

in case something happens
to me I wanna keep going,

you understand, how about it?

- Okay.
- Good boy.

Wilkins you and I together
will achieve something

beyond the wildest
dream of science.

What's that? An 8 horse parlay.

Are you sure these
are tomorrows winners?

Positive I checked with the
Hobson chromproctometer.

Okay, I'll put this call into Patsy
the bookmaker at Roseville.

He's riff raff.

He might as well must conduct
this on the field conditions.

8 winners I hate
to do this to Patsy.

Hello hello? Say buddy
this phone is out of order.

We've got some very
important business to transact.

They're all out
of order Sergeant.

New security
regulations on this post.

No outside calls.
No outside calls.

Well there's no
way out of it Wilkins,

we've got to create our own
emergency communications.

It's not my field Sergeant.

Engle is the electronics expert.

The electronics that's it,

we've got to find
Engel his country calls.

If I understand you
correctly Sgt. Bilko,

you want me to build
you a radio transmitter?

- But that will take a week.
- A week we're dead.

An 8 horse parlay and
I'm cut off from the world.

Why do you wanna
go through the trouble

of building a radio transmitter?

Why don't we convert the short
wave radio we've already got?

He's right. That's
what we oughta do.

- Why don't we convert this...
- what are you standing there?

Convert.

You see at present
it's only a receiving set.

Now in order to make it send,

all I have to do is
reverse these 2 tubes.

He's gotta reverse the tubes.

Transfer these terminal wires...

See the wire, he's
working with the wire.

And make a new
connection here in the grid.

- Aha - Ahhh...

What's the matter
what do you need?

- Paper clip.
- Paper clip.

He needs a paper clip.

Do you like that?

A paper clip come on
give me a paper clip.

Here's a paper clip.

Is it gonna work? You
think it will work now?

Want another clip?

Will another clip
help do you think?

Hello Benning Hello
Benning, this is Greenville

Hello Benning testing 1, 2,
3, how do you read me over?

Hello Greenville,
read you 555 over.

- Roger Benning over and out.
- Good show, good show.

There you are Sergeant,
a perfect radio transmitter.

Get me Fort Baxter
Roseville Kansas.

Post the personal
call for Rocco Barbella.

Sergeant Bilko
calling Fort Baxter,

Fort Baxter, come in please.

Come in please. Why
won't they answer.

Come in. Come in.

Sergeant I've sent for
him, he's ought to be here.

You wanted to see me Grover.

Yeah Bilko wants to talk to you.

Bilko on the radio no
kidding. Come in Ernie.

Hey Ernie, it's Rocco
what's up Ernie.

Rocco listen carefully.

Where are you Ernie?

I can't tell you, now listen.

I got an 8th horse parlay
today at Santa Anita.

I want you to go down to Patsy
the Bookmaker and bet a $100.

Ernie it's 2 days before
payday, Everybody's tapped out.

Never mind I got the money.

Just get me Patsy on the
phone I'll talk to him myself.

Oh just a minute, get me Patsy
the bookmaker on the phone.

Hold on Ernie,
Grover's gonna dial him.

How are you feeling?

Boys it's crazy around here.

Hey just a minute.

Hello Patsy hey, just a minute
Bilko wants to talk to you.

No Bilko it ain't too
big for me to handle.

Just get the money
up and you've got a bet.

What? Trust you Bilko?

I don't trust nobody and
to me you're a nobody.

I don't care if you've got
the money in your pocket;

I want it in my hands.

Patsy pal, baby Patsy
this is Bilko your old buddy.

He hung up Ernie.

There's a fortune at stake,
I gotta get that bet down.

Why don't you send me the money?

What do you mean,
send it to you?

The race is today. I'll
never make it in time.

Wait a minute you just hang on.

Where is Max... Maxwell
you're an engineer aren't you?

I certainly am. I'm
a graduate of MIT.

- I'm a Doctor of mechanical..
- Swell, Rocco standby

a doctors degree
in nuclear physics.

All right all right, this
is what you have to do.

My own guided
missile, I'm a pioneer.

The first man in history who
ever placed a bet by rocket.

Maxwell you sure this will work?

- I'd stake my life on it
Sergeant - Good boy.

I got Fort Baxter
for you Sergeant.

Hold it, keep working.

Fort Baxter come in this is
Sgt. Bilko, is Rocco there?

- Rocco!
- Yeah Ernie.

Now listen to me good.

Listen Roc, you know
the old sentry box

in the empty field
behind the radio shack?

Well get right over
there, jump in the jeep,

and get right over there,
and wait for our rocket.

Bilko signing off.

Anytime you're ready Sergeant.

Oh wait a minute where do I
put the selections and the money?

- Oh right here in the nose cone.
- Go get 'em baby.

All right men,
prepare for launching.

Aerial distance Greenville
to Fort Baxter 304.5 miles.

Exact target area one
mile due west of Baxter.

All right men move
it, it's near post time.

- Elevation 45 degrees.
- Weather correction.

Wind from the north 8 mph.

Wind deflection 2 degrees

All right men standby
history is being made.

Prepare for launching countdown

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,
4, 3, 2, 1, ground 0,

they're off.

Boy, the $2 window
was never like this.

The radar station 347,
reporting unidentified flying object

heading due west at 10,000ft.

Identify yourself.

It's your last warning
identify yourself.

Attention all units
UFO over Kansas,

condition red, condition red.

Still no sign of the rocket.

There's not gonna be any
rocket I think Bilko flipped his lid,

8 horse parlay rockets.

Shhh, I think I hear something.

Roc Look!

He made it! He made it!

Let's go. Yeah.

We better get the bet down.

It's only half hour
before post-time.

It's hot. Come
on let's dig it up.

We'll get that bet down.

Good afternoon racing fans.

Here are the results
from Santa Anita.

The first race was
won by Prince Tom.

4 win, 4 ready to
place and 320 to show.

Only 7 more winners,
8 straight winners,

is that asking too
much for once?

And the winner of the
2nd race was Sky Admiral.

What were the odds? 3 to 1.

- In the 3rd race.
- Attention!

What are you? Attention.

Sir we were in the middle of a

very important
mathematical experiment.

You can see for
yourself There's the chalk.

This is Gen. Fleming..he'd
like to say a few words.

Oh yes but Sir we're right
in the middle of this problem,

Yes the chalk, I was just...

I understand Sergeant I just
wanted to say a few words

about our great expectations for

- Operation Brainpower.
- Of course Sir.

You see the Pentagon feels, this
is one of the most important projects

that the Army has
ever undertaken...

Well gentlemen
that's all I have to say.

Oh really Sir.

I've enjoyed having
this little chat with you.

All I can say is you
work hard and good luck.

Thank you very much
Sir, it's a pleasure working

under an officer who understands
the problems of scientific...

Turn that thing on, Will you?

So that we get the
complete wrap up.

So much for Jamaica and here's

the final wrap up at
Santa Anita. Santa Anita.

Winner of the race Prince Tom

paying $8.20. We
know know, we know.

The 2nd race Sky
Admiral paying $12.40.

In the 3rd race it
was Mirador $2.60.

- In the 4th it was Coronation.
- Coronation.

- Ruby Red in the 5th.
- Ruby Red.

And North Light in the 6th.

Only two more, don't
tease me, only 2 more.

- In the 7th the winner, Mr. Jack.
- We got it.

Oh please don't give me
grizzies now just one more win.

And the winner of the last race,

but before we give you the
winner of that last race folks

here is a word from Happy Harry.

Please, I will buy a
car, I will buy the lot.

Rush right down
to Happy Harry's..

Come on, we'll fly, come
on what's the results?

Here it is folks, the 8th
the last race at Santa Anita

- the winner Blue Bird.
- Blue Bird.

Total winnings, should be in
the neighborhood of $364,000.

Wilkins, Wilkins, this is
a great day for science.

I salute you. I'm
about to go home now.

Where is Engel?
Engle are you still here?

I love you all, all of you.

Reconvert that back
to a sending transmitter,

I want to talk to Fort
Baxter. I love you all.

I deeply do, you need something?

Do you need a clip? Yeah.

You got a clip?

Here, here. Clip clip.

I'll ask you again soldier, what
do the code names Prince Tom,

Sky Admiral, Bluebird stand for?

I already told you, they're
the names of race horses.

And this money.

Somebody sent us the money
and the names of the horses.

Am I supposed to
believe that somebody

is using a rocket to place bets?

To place a bet Bilko would
shoot himself out of a canon.

Fort Baxter, Fort Baxter
come in Rocco, this is Bilko.

That's him. He's
the guy who sent it.

Talk to him. Rocco
come in where are you?

I'm here. Good boy,
listen carefully Rocco.

Take 6 of the boys and make
sure they bring their carbines

go down to Patsy the
bookie, and pick up the loot.

We won in the
neighborhood of 365 grand.

We're rich, we're rich.

Ernie we didn't
get the bet down.

Rocco stop clowning,
now go get the money.

Listen Ernie, as soon as
we picked up the rocket

they grabbed us.

The M.Ps, the Air Force, the
FBI, Ernie they think we're spies.

Can you hear me
Ernie? Ernie! Ernie! Ernie!

To tell you the truth Bilko,

I'm sorry they won't
let you stay with us.

He didn't get the bet down.

But you'll be pleased to
know that Army Ordinance

thinks your missile experiment

may result in a new method
of combat communication,

and the men here say
you were responsible for it.

An 8 horse parlay he
didn't get the bet down.

By the way Bilko I saw
something in the morning paper,

and it might cheer you up.

I think I'll kill him.

Maybe I'll just
strangle him a little.

Bilko? Oh excuse me Sir.

The 8th race of Santa Anita,
Blue Bird didn't win after all.

He was disqualified.
The winner was Andy Boy.

Well that's impossible Sir.

Wilkins here figured
it out mathematically.

Wilkins didn't you tell me.

I'm sorry Cpl. Engel was right.

The laws of mathematics
are not infallible.

I guess nobody can
ever accurately predict

the outcome of a horse race.

This is a genius? I've
known that all my life.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker.

John Boruff as Gen. Fleming.

Archie Smith as Wilkins.

David Sheiner as Engel

and Philip Foster
as Major Donnegan.