The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 23 - Bilko the Art Lover - full transcript

Only the hair not my ears.

You may look better
without ears. Don't move.

- Hey Paparelli I'm next.
- Sorry only by appointment.

Okay I'm making an appointment.

Wait till you see this, it's the
latest thing from Hollywood.

- Yeah what is it?
- The Tab Hunter trim.

It's an exclusive nobody
else on the post is gonna get it.

How do you like it?

I don't know. Hey
Fender how do you like it?

Cancel my appointment.

Hey Doberman,
what are you cooking?



It's gonna be a surprise.

If anybody can eat
it that'll be a surprise.

Oh stop.

I want those grease pits

in the motor pool cleaned out.

But Sarge that's a dirty job.

Nobody ever looks down there.

I look down there and what's
more I want it done today.

I've been too lenient
with these jerks,

you give 'em a finger,
they'll take in a...

What's that?

It's just Doberman
with his hot plate.

That's another thing,
cooking in the barracks huh?

All right Duncan Hines,
pour that stuff out into the sink.



But Sarge it's a new recipe.

You like cooking?

Put this man on K.P.

Perry Como, do
you like to cut things?

Get out there and cut the grass.

Sarge cut the grass?

Huh, talking back huh,
now trim the hedges too.

The rest of you guys
get this place cleaned up.

But Sarge this
is our rest period.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh excuse me I forgot.

This is your rest period, I
forgot all about it excuse me.

Okay you're
restricted to barracks,

you don't leave here tonight

that's where you
get plenty of rest huh.

Come on don't stand there.

Aw.

What is this? What’s wrong.

What's with him he's
been that way for a week?

Yeah he's acting
like a Sergeant.

Boy, if I'd known that the
Army was gonna be like this,

there'd be no point
in leaving my wife.

What's bothering you
Sarge? You can tell us.

I tell you nothing
is bothering me.

I sleep soundly.

I get up feeling refreshed,

I open the window I take
a deep breath of fresh air.

I eat a hearty breakfast and
then all of a sudden grrrrrrrr.

Now listen Sarge, what's
the use of kidding yourself,

you're in bad shape.

Yeah maybe you
should see the Doctor.

What's the matter with you guys?

You're acting silly just
because I flare up occasionally.

I'm telling yah I've
never felt better in my life.

Look at me, am I calm?

Look at my hands,
steady, my eyes are clear,

the color of my skin fine.

I'm telling you I
feel fine. Drrrrrrrrrrh.

- Relax Bilko, relax.
- Yes.

Oh your color is good,
your eyes are clear,

now whatever is wrong with
you is certainly not physical.

- Then you mean it's?
- Oh no, nothing like that Bilko.

It's simply a case of nerves.

Nerves. Now how do I get it?

Well with most people
it's from overworking.

In your case I don't
know what it is.

How do I get rid
of these nerves?

Change your climate,
change of scenery might help.

Well you're the Doctor,

if you'll just sign
these travel orders,

Honolulu will be
a perfect place.

The serenity of
Waikiki Beach, the...

No Honolulu is too gay

the pounding surf,
the luaus, the guitars.

I have just the
place, Malibu beach.

The sun it will... too
close to Hollywood.

Come on get smart,
perhaps you're right.

I know of a Jim
dandy place, doctor.

Las Vegas, it's
always... not that.

Yellowstone Park.

Sun Valley?

No, oh where else is there
left I mean oh you don't.

You don't, you don't
mean Roseville?

I'm sorry Bilko that's
the best I can do for you.

It's a 2 week furlough
and you're on your own.

Thank you a lot... Roseville?

I should have stayed
in the South Pacific

when I was first
there. Drrrrrrrr.

So men when I was mean to you,

it wasn't that I was
mean... I was sick.

Let's call it a case of
delayed battle fatigue.

Oh you're looking
disturbed Paparelli;

please I see that
mistiness in your eyes.

Would I be mean to you Doberman?

You're like my own
flesh and... stay calm.

There's a cure.

All I need to be my same
jovial sunny self again

is to have a vacation.

Now I know you men
have all seen those posters

send this boy to camp.

Well I'm asking you to send
this boy away from camp.

Now you give as you've
always given in the past.

Hey Sarge are cheques all right?

Yes for those who haven't
available cash of course.

And for those of you, who
wish to contribute anonymously

I won't even look.

Are they giving?

You better put your hat on
Sarge, you'll catch cold too.

Nicely done. Thank you.

I'm lucky I wasn't asking
for a blood transfusion.

Oh blood we got
Sarge, but no money.

Oh thank you. This
is no time for jokes.

This is serious.

Don't you see what I'm
pleading with you fellas,

don't you know what can happen?

Would you rather wait
till you have to contribute

to the Bilko Memorial fund?

Henshaw show them
what this could be.

Men we're gathered here today

in memory of our beloved
Sergeant, who gave so much.

I'll give a dollar.
Who'll join me?

Sarge they're not springing.

Certainly not, thank
you, thank you very much.

It's a good thing
to... fine, never mind.

Come on you guys.

All right this is a stick up!

What are you doing?
I'm sorry, dismissed.

You like my luck Hensh, 2 weeks
furlough, no place to spend it.

But Sarge, if you get to New
York you can stay in my house.

Thank you very much
Fender at your house,

with your wife, your
Mother-in-law and 6 kids,

it made a total
wreck out of you.

- I need a rest.
- All right.

Hey my Uncle has got a
farm, acres of grapes, trees,

lots of cows with fresh
milk - Sarge, you'll love it.

Yes like I always said, when you
need him, Dino comes through.

Where is this paradise?

It's in Italy; you drive
past the Coliseum.

Rocco I want you to
remember this man's

consideration and thoughtfulness

when you're making
up the latrine duty list.

Looks like you're stuck Ernie.

You'll have to spend
the 2 weeks here.

No, no never, I'm
gonna go through

my account receivable
ledger, somebody must owe me.

Somebody owes me something.

But Ernie when a guy gets in
your ledger under dead accounts

that means he's
in the poor house.

Quiet; somebody here owes
me money, and I'm gonna get it.

Here we go, Cpl. Bernie Franks,

this creep has owed
me $35 for 2 years now.

Is he still in the Army?

Yeah he's over at Fort Tillman.

Good I'll put the screws
on that little welcher.

I'll get it out of him.
He's a Major now.

He is? Well it's better to give
than to receive I always say.

Hey Sarge, look at this,
Manny Frisch, $800,000.

$800,000 what's that?

I played him gin on a
slow boat to Guadalcanal.

Boy if you could
collect that huh?

I collected it; I settled for
$10, the account is closed.

Miss Moshika Karu, 500 yen.

Who's got time to go Tokyo?

Carlyle Thompson Ill, $4.50.

Boy how you played
up to him, huh Sarge.

That was the only millionaire
son we ever had in this platoon.

Yeah and he took
good care of me.

I thought I was pretty
sharp till I met him.

Oh I played up to
a millionaire's son.

I let him sleep
in my bed, right?

I let him use the jeep.

I even had Doberman
do his laundry,

then we find out he don't
come into his inheritance

till he's 25 years old.

- We had to get him at 22.
- Yeah that's the breaks.

That's the luck I'm
blowin' in steadily.

Well down the memory lane,
let's see who else we've got.

22?

Bingo, Carlyle Thompson
Ill is now 25 years old.

That was 3 years ago.

Oh we must call him and wish
him happy returns of the day.

Do you think you'll get your
4 and a half back Sarge?

How dare you, do you think I
would hound my personal friend

Carlyle Thompson Ill who
lives in a luxurious mansion

on Park Avenue where
a tired old Sergeant

can spend his vacation.

Hound a man for $4.50 never.

- Ah you mean.
- In other words.

What is this, Playhouse 90?

He remembers me,
Carlyle Ill remembers me.

Well Carlyle I suppose
you're wondering why I called.

Well I'll tell you,
the old Sarge

is coming to New
York for a few days

and I was just wondering if you
could recommend some hotel to me.

Some nice homey place.

Well my Aunt always
stays at the Ritz plaza.

The suites are very
big and comfortable.

Of course there's the Waldorf.

You don't seem to
understand Carlyle

your suggestions are a
little too rich for my blood.

You know what a
Sergeant's pay is,

oh but don't let it disturb you.

I'll just go to some all
night movie and sleep there.

It won’t be as comfortable
as my bed here on the post,

the one I used to let you
use so you'd feel at home.

Wait a minute Sarge
I've got an idea.

He's got an idea.
What is it dear boy?

Why don't you stay
here at the house Sarge.

Dad and I would love to have
you, there's plenty of room.

Well thank you isn't
that terribly sweet of you.

Yes I'd be delighted.

Where, the East
Wing, I don't care

if it's the East wing
or the West wing.

Surprise me. I'm not particular.

What? You'll send what?

Well isn't that
terribly nice of you.

Thank you very much Carlyle.

I look forward to seeing you
in the next few days..splendid.

Congratulations Sarge.

But Ernie you're broke,
how you gonna get there?

By plane.

- What plane.
- His plane.

I've never been
on a private plane.

Do you tip the pilot?

Oh you must be Sgt. Bilko?

Well I'm not Col. Hall.

Mr. Carlyle has
been expecting you.

Oh Splendid, splendid.

Carlyle I am telling
you for the last time

you've got to give
up this foolish notion

of becoming a sculptor and
go into the family business.

Dad I've told you
a million times

I'm not interested in
the shipping business.

Oh you're pretty
independent for a young man

who has no money
of his own, aren't you?

Well until you're 25 years old

which won't be for another 7
months, you're living off me,

and you're going to
do as I want you to do

and that's to go into
the shipping business.

Don't try to bully me Dad.

I feel I have to something
to say as an artist.

Take My Woman with
Grapes for instance.

Grapes, you mean
that says something?

Yes it does.

Well 'Il tell you
what it says to me.

It says to me that
you're going to go

into the shipping business
young man or you're on your own.

- Now don't try to bully me Dad.
- Now listen to me Carl...

I've listened to
you long enough.

Well we're putting you
in the Blue Room Sir.

The Blue Room, oh
darn I wish you'd told me.

Anything wrong Sir?

I brought my orange
pajamas the colors will clash.

Shall I change your rooms Sir?

Oh no, no, I'll
change my pajamas.

I'm sure you have more
rooms than I have pajamas.

Marie, are the rooms
ready for Sgt. Bilko?

Yes Fenton, I hope
you don't mind,

but I took the liberty
of lighting a fire

in the fireplace for you.

My dear you can take all
the liberties with me you want.

You'll find me
very democratic...

Now if you'll come this way Sir.

I don't care what you
say I've made up my mind

I'm not going into
the shipping business.

Carlyle, look who's here.

Ah hello Ernie.

All right get out of this
house and stay out!

- Who's that?
- My Dad.

That suits me fine I
can't get out fast enough.

- I don't need your money.
- I don't need your house.

Carlyle, what are you doing?

That's you Father, go
on in there and apologize.

And when you
leave take all of those

silly stupid statues with you.

Don't worry you'll never see
them and me in this house again.

Don't mind him Sir,
he's a bit hysterical.

Carlyle pull yourself together.

I have pulled myself together;
I finally stood up to him.

- Oh your Father knows best.
- Oh you don't know him Ernie.

I'm leaving this house forever.

Oh we'll talk it over, I've
got a lovely room with a fire

come on upstairs.

No Ernie I'm not
gonna let you stay

another minute in this house.

Hold it you got this all wrong,

your Father is mad at you,
he ain't mad at me, come on.

Take this statue, I'm
getting out of here,

I've finally had enough of this.

- Fenton we're leaving.
- Your bag Sir.

But where are we going?

Don't worry we'll find a place.

But look aren't you
being a little hyster...

tell Marie to keep that
fire goin'..I'll be back.

Well this is that last apartment
I got left in the building.

Carlyle, look at
this joint its murder.

Come on lets go home.

Oh no Ernie this
is just what I want.

A place of my own
where I can work.

It's too bad you're a sculptor,

what this place
need is a painter.

What are you buddy,
a building inspector?

You guys want the
apartment or don't you?

- Yeah I'll take it.
- Oh don't pay any attention to him.

He's one of those
eccentric millionaires.

The building's full of them.

That'll be $20 a
month in advance.

Gee I only have $19.

Oh that does it, let's go
home and tell Dad we're sorry.

Oh no, no, Ernie, we'll just
have to find a cheaper apartment.

You're in it.

Isn't it wonderful Ernie?

Oh look you're just
a kid, you're excited.

Okay we'll stay here
a couple of hours,

then we'll go over check in

into one of those Park
Avenue hotels right?

I couldn't if I wanted
to, Ernie I'm broke.

Broke, you stop in the
bank and cash a check.

I haven't got a bank account
that was my last $19 in the world.

Your last, is that
all you had left

from your million
dollar inheritance,

that you got when
you were 25 years old.

I won't be 25 for
another 7 months.

You what, oh lets go home
and think it over a while.

For like 7 months.

Oh no, no Ernie, I
burned my bridges.

This is where I
stay until I make it.

You don't understand
all you have to do

is tell your Father,
say "Dad I'm sorry.

I lost my head."

I just heard you moving
in, I'm Felix Stanton;

I have a studio across the hall.

Another artist, I'm Carlyle
Thompson a sculptor,

what do you do?
- I'm a painter.

You say "Dad, I didn't
know what I was saying."

For as long as you're
going to be living with us.

I thought I'd tell you about
the schedule for the bathtub.

You say "Dad I lost my head."

You're at the
bottom of the list.

What're you the bathtub warden?

I'm talking to this guy.

Say, is this your work?

Yeah that's my
Woman With Grapes.

Your lines are very strong.

You can even bring
the stone to life, you..

You got real talent,
wonderful, wonderful.

My boy I'm giving you
my turn at the bathtub.

I give up. I'm
going back to camp.

- So long kid.
- You really think I have a future?

My boy you'll make a fortune.

Why this piece alone is worth...

Here! Take your
hands of this statute.

You'll dirty it and we
won't be able to sell it.

We?

Of course you didn't
think I would desert

a struggling young
artist, did you?

How many of these
can you make a week.

Look can you put a
clock in the stomach

that gives it a novel effect.

Hey take your hands of this.

Is that all right Mr. Tate?

A little more to the left,
uh... uh... uh..., that's perfect.

Always remember Nelson
that part of selling a sculpture

is presenting it just right.
- Yes Sir.

Ah Mrs. Emerson,
what a pleasant surprise.

Thank you I just came
in town to go to the bank.

But I thought that I'd
buy a piece of sculpture

for our country place.

Why you came just in time.

I have a marvelous bargain a
bust by Rodin for only $8,000.

Oh could I see it?

It's in the back
I'll get it for you.

Store. Oh Excuse me.

Do you know where Mr. Tate is?

Well he's in the rear
getting something for me.

He'll be right back.

You, well you must a customer.

Yes do you know that
he has a bust by Rodin,

for only $8,000
isn't that exciting?

Exciting, if you're looking
for excitement I have here,

an original Carlyle
Thompson Ill for only $6,000,

gift wrapped of course.

I haven't heard of him

Oh you never heard, didn't
Mr. Tate tell you about..

Oh there I put my
foot in it. I guess Mr.

Tate was saving this
for the Duke and Wally.

Hmm do you have a castle?

No but Emerson
Arms, it's one of the

largest estates in Connecticut.

I'll have Carlyle make
another one for the Duke.

Why don't we step
outside and discuss this?

Here is the Rodin, Mrs. Emerson.

Isn't it delicious?

It's breathtaking,
oh yes I must have it.

But just... what about
my Woman With Grapes?

Oh I can hardly see
that in Emerson Arms.

You know it's all
French provincial.

Well I'd put it out on the lawn.

- The British will love it.
- Who is this young man?

- I thought he was your partner.
- My partner?

I was just telling her
about this young artist that...

Excuse me Mrs. Emerson.

He wants to have
a conference... yes?

Now will you get out of
here with that monstrosity

or shall I call the cops.
- Monstrosity? How dare you.

This is an original
Carlyle Thompson Ill

I was gonna give your
gallery first crack at this.

Thank you but we
don't handle modern art.

Modern this was made
over 6 months ago.

You can see for yourself,

the grapes are
shriveling into raisins.

I'm warning you, guard!

Just a minute, all right just a
minute, one thing interests me,

how do you get
$8,000 for a statue?

Everyone knows
when an artist is dead,

his work becomes more valuable.

Yeah, yeah, but, but why.

Because there will be
no more work from him.

Naturally whatever work he
leaves behind increases in value.

I see because he's
dead but $8,000.

Guard! Oh Guard!

Oh good morning Mr. Tate.

Good morning
Nelson, beautiful day.

Yes Sir.

- Good day can I...?
- I told you yesterday.

Please, please. I've just
returned from a funeral.

Funeral? What funeral?

Carlyle Thompson Ill.

Is that the man you? Yes.

So young so brilliant, I just
had lunch with him the other day,

struck down in the
prime, of his life.

Fortunately he left some of
these precious pieces behind.

You hold this I got
the rest in the cab,

- I'll be right back.
- Guard!

Just a minute.

I'm giving you
first crack at this,

every minute that goes
by, they increase in value.

Guard. Guard! I'll hit you...

All right I got it friends,
here it is - sculpture.

Get your sculpture, it's
a handmade sculpture.

It's spicy, it's revealing,
before the police..

Here Mac you look
like an art lover to me.

How about a nice piece of
sculpture to beautify your home?

What home, I live in a hotel.

All the better, you can make an
impression on your chamber maid.

- There it is, look it up.
- No.

Save your breath Ernie,
we've been here all day

we haven't sold a thing.

Let's take it back
to the studio.

Maybe you're right we'll
get a better spot tomorrow.

This Woman With Grapes
gets heavier every day.

Why don't you chisel
off a few grapes?

All right if we can
set up right here.

Ah bring those
cameras over here.

Right this way and watch
out for that wire folks.

Testing one, two.

What's this?

It's television, they cover
the art show every year.

You're kidding, you mean
they broadcast this? Yeah.

We're made...
give me that statue.

Good afternoon ladies and
gentlemen, this is Art Ford.

We're here once again
paying our annual visit

to the Greenwich
Village outdoor art exhibit

with our mobile TV cameras.

And it's a magnificent array
of art we have here today,

let's go and meet
one of our artists.

- Young lady what is your name?
- Olga.

- Olga what?
- Olga that's all.

Well very well, I suppose
you can start talking about...

Oh miss I must talk to you.
Forgive this interruption,

this statute of
yours I want to buy it.

I don't care if
the Sky's the limit.

I wanna buy it.

It's most tremendous thing I
ever.. the sweep of the color,

the scheme it's
tremendous, I want it.

- I want it.
- But it's not mine.

It isn't yours, but whose is it?

Whoever who did it is a genius,

the man I think his
name is on the bottom.

Would you read it, my eyes
are not what they used to be.

- Oh Carlyle Thompson.
- Carlyle Thompson!

He's tremendous I must find him.

Paging Carlyle
Thompson. Where are you?

Ladies and gentlemen
some of our art lovers

are very enthusiastic.
Now getting back to Olga.

Where did you say you?

There you are, I've been
looking for you Carlyle.

Just excuse me,
please what do you want.

I'll write you a
cheque immediately.

How do you spell
your last, T H, T O?

Ah this is tremendous.

- I'm not Carlyle.
- You're not?

I must find him
because he is a genius,

whoever made this
is a genius, genius.

No, no I don't care
what you bid for this,

it's mine I'll pay anything.

I will give my entire
fortune for this.

This tremendous statue,
Carlyle Thompson did it.

- Where are you Carlyle?
- I beg your pardon...

You're Carlyle..why
did you deny it before?

Why are you ashamed of
this great virtuoso of plenty?

I love it, I want it, I
want it, I'll give you any...

I'm not Carlyle Thompson
but I think our TV audience

would love to see
Carlyle Thompson's works.

He's not Carlyle Thompson.

Well you want to see his...

Well he has an
exhibit right over here.

His exhibit.

Pull the camera this
way, excuse me Olga.

You're gonna be on television,
this is your big chance.

You'll just stand
here, look artistic,

don't say anything, let
me do all that talking.

Bring those cameras
over this way.

Hello friends of TV
land good afternoon;

it's my privilege to present
American's most talented sculptor.

Ladies and gentlemen I'm very
sorry due to the weather conditions,

we're going to have to
return you to our studio.

All right boys, get those cameras,
put them back on the truck there.

Couldn't wait a
minute, huh, huh?

Gee Ernie thanks for all
you're trying to do for me.

I'm sorry I loused
up your furlough.

Don't worry about it, kid
I still got a week, to go.

I will go back to
Roseville, live at the YMCA,

eat at the USO,
so I'll be all right.

So long kid.

Ernie, before you go I'd
like to give you something

to show you how grateful I'm.

It's gonna be worth a
lot of money someday.

Hang on to it.

Hang on to it; I
can't get rid of it.

It's a shame people don't
have money for art anymore.

They've got money
for everything else.

Look at my Father
in a couple of days

he's opening up the
new Thompson building.

It cost $10 million and
hasn't got a piece of art in it.

Ah that's the way
cookie crumbles kid.

Well don't be
discouraged keep chiseling.

- So long Ernie.
- $10 million building?

The Thompson building..isn't
it magnificent Clark?

It's beautiful Mr. Thompson.

And to think that my
Grandfather started

with only a little
shack on the wharf.

Wait till my son realizes,
what he's walked out on

he'll come crawling back.

Oh this will bring
him to his senses;

nobody ever gets
the best of you C.T

By the way, are the branch
managers all in town?

Yes they're all looking
over the building now.

Oh good.

How do you do young lady?

Can you tell me if Mr. Thompson
is putting up a new building?

- The newest thing on Park Avenue.
- Really I hadn't noticed.

Well back to business,
you see I represent

this famous young artist
whose name I cannot mention

and I wanted to see
Mr. Thompson about this artist

doing some art work for
the lobby of the new building.

I'm sorry Mr. Thompson has a
very important meeting scheduled

with his branch managers.
- Branch managers?

Here they are now excuse me.

Mr. Thompson is
expecting you, go right in.

Samuels Chicago,
Stanton Cleveland.

Well, what did you think
about those revolving doors?

- Wasn't that great?
- I went around 5 times.

Hey Sir. C.T,
you've done it again.

Welcome to New York.

Well now gentlemen, I trust
you've all seen the new building.

- Oh yes.
- What do you think of it?

That layout of the
accounting department

on the 15th floor is
superb Mr. Thompson.

Splendid. Splendid.

I think the roof top
cafeteria for the employees

is a wonderful idea.

Frankly I like the building
for what it doesn't have.

Something we don't have?

- Yes statues.
- Statues?

Statues, like the one they
have at Rockefeller center.

You know that big
beautiful statue of Atlas

holding the world
on his shoulders.

I grant you it's a work
of art, but who needs it?

By George I mean this,
oh I have interrupted.

Go right ahead I'm sorry.

How do you men like the air
conditioning in every office?

Real exquisite.

When you think of
all of those people?

What people?

The people who come from
all over the world you know

to take pictures of the
statue, stopping traffic,

thanks heavens they won't
stop at our building and gawk at it.

It's all strictly business. Oh
I'm sorry go right at ahead.

And how would you men
like... stop traffic you say?

Oh publicity, that's all
it is, publicity seeking...

What?

The people who talk about
the statue year in and year out.

I mean why he doesn't he
spend his hard earned money

buying publicity
like you have to do?

- You're absolutely right.
- By George it's a grand idea.

Why don't we sign a petition
and have that statue torn down.

Oh no, no, nothing like that.

We'll put up our own statue.

Brilliant!

By George why
didn't I think of that?

That's while you'll always
be a branch manager

and I shall always be the boss.

That's right C.T, you're right.

The building opens
in two days though.

We'll have to work
awfully fast to get a statue.

By George, I happen to
know this famous artist

who has this wonderful statue,

which is called the
woman with um...

The Spirit of Transportation.

Why that's perfect
but who's the artist?

Oh believe me C. T
you know him very well.

No, no I am sorry, I
don't know any artists.

- You know Picasso don't you.
- Oh yes of course.

Take my word you know him
better than you know Picasso.

Clark, get that statue. I
don't care what it costs.

By George, when you
move C.T you move.

- The Spirit of Transportation.
- Splendid, splendid.

And so it is with great
pride and humility

that we dedicate
this new building.

The future home of the
Thompson Shipping line.

And as a symbol of
our great company

we now unveil for
the very first time,

a new work of art The
Spirit of Transportation.

Woman With Grapes?

- Bubbly Fenton.
- Oh yes.

There's a good chap.

Listen to this one kid, the
most impressive feature

of the new Thompson
building is a statue,

The Spirit of Transportation
by Carlyle Thompson Ill.

You're famous, kid.

Ernie if it weren't for
you, I'd still be starving.

Glad to do it.

All best of all, my Father
doesn't mind me being an artist.

Why should he, I mean..
Oh, Marie, is my room ready?

Oh yes Monsieur
everything is ready for you.

- I lit the fire.
- Oh, oh bon.

Well, I've only got a
week left of my furlough

might as well the most of it.

Take advantage
of your hospitality.

Yes enjoy every moment of it.

Oh there you are my boy.

Carlyle, I've got a
big surprise for you.

- A surprise.
- Yes thanks to Sgt. Bilko here

I found out what a
talented son I have.

- Thanks Sergeant.
- Oh it's all right.

What's the surprise Dad?

I'm taking you to Europe
my boy, to study art.

Europe did you hear that kid.
Mr. Thompson you're a fine Dad.

Oh thank you, we'll close the
house..leave for Europe tonight.

Close the house? Leave tonight?

We're going tonight,
but Dad Ernie came

to spend his vacation with
us, that sort of spoils it for him.

Well that's too bad.

Well then there's no
reason to close the house,

Sgt. Bilko can stay right
here, have the run of the house.

We're taking Fenton with
us, but then Marie will be here.

Carlyle.

Sir, anything I can do for you?

Yes you... Is my
bag still packed?

Oh yes but I'll unpack it.

No, no leave it packed.

- I'll be leaving immediately.
- You're leaving?

Yes I would like to..
To know that and...

who would believe me?

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Alan Alda as Carlyle Thompson,

Larry Fletcher as the Father.

Henry Lasko as the landlord.

Eddie Lawrence as Felix Standish

and Art Ford as the Commentator.