The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 22 - Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage - full transcript

This is a card
game not a concert.

All right take it
easy, take it easy.

I gotta warm up the
instruments don't I?

I must be getting
old; I lay off for 2 days

the fingers stiffen up on me.

How's this Sarge?

Starting to tingle, good.

Hey Sarge I brought the
coffee, where should I put it?

- Put it over here Doberman.
- How's it feel Ernie?

Okay, okay but you better
stand by with some liniment

in case they stiffen up on me.
- Well gentlemen?



- Hi boys.
- Hey.

Well it's Mess Sgt. Ritzik.

Flowers and candies for
me oh you shouldn't have.

No it's for Emma,
today is our anniversary.

- No kidding.
- Yep 15th anniversary.

How does it feel to
be married 15 years?

Well the truth of the matter
is I consider myself lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah lucky, I'm not
married 20 years.

- Take your hand off me.
- Got any money?

Yeah about $30 bucks.

Come on sit down
for a few hands,

it won't be the same poker game

without your sparkly personality.
- Oh, no I can't.



Emma is expecting me at 8
sharp for a special romantic dinner,

you know candlelight and beer.

- Well 4 or 5 hands won't hurt you.
- No not tonight Bilko.

Emma and I made each
other a solemn promise.

I promised to be home by 8

and she promised
to kill me if I wasn't.

- Oh come on Rupert.
- Now don't come on me Ernie.

No cards for me
tonight and that's final.

All right Rupert
what do you got?

2 pair. I guess that does it.

Hold it, not quite. Full house.

- It figures, who deals.
- I need more coffee.

- Get him some coffee Hensh.
- It's all gone.

- I'll get some more, you deal.
- All right.

Doberman, look alive, Doberman
your Sergeant wants you,

deal me in, and don't let
anybody look at my cards.

Huh, Doberman
I'm sorry I woke you

here, will you get
us some coffee.

- Ante up boys.
- All right I ante up.

Don't get so tired.
I'm out 30 bucks?

- I didn't win it.
- Me neither.

All right, so I
am a little ahead.

I think after 8 years they'd
learn how to lose graciously.

There he is gentlemen,

the Army's answer to Benzedrine.

I'll get the coffee Sir.

Never mind Rocco,
just put sleeping beauty

back in the corral.

All right I open.

I'm out.

Hey what's that?

There's no race
track around here?

Francis, that was reveille

Oh yeah I remember.
Come on let's quit.

If I hit the sack now I
still can get 4 hours sleep.

Yeah, me too.

Reveille? Oh no.

What's the matter Rupert?

Ooh she's gonna kill me.

This time she's gonna kill me.

Holy smokes, he
blew his Anniversary.

She's been waiting over 9 hours.

- Rupert, think of an excuse.
- You don't know Emma.

She's gonna kill
me, little by little,

first the eardrums are gonna go.

Maybe she got sour and left ya.

Don't try to cheer me up.

She's gonna kill me, I've
gotta think of an excuse.

An excuse, what could; oh
Bilko oh here do me a favour.

Shoot me in the leg.

Oh come, come on Rupert
be calm I'll think of something.

No come on, help
me... a little wound.

Oh stop... don't panic.

The old Sergeant... go on
Grover I'll take care of him.

Now, where, where's the flowers,

quick we've got
to start organizing?

- Here they are Sarge.
- Oh no they're a little moldy,

but for Emma they're good
enough. Where is the box of candy?

They ate it all during the game.

They ate it all, all right,
put some weights in box,

tie it up nice and neat.

See I'm chugging,
I'm thinking for you.

You're wasting your time;
shoot me it's the only way out.

- Give me my hat, quick come on?
- Here Sarge.

- One little shot.
- Oh stop.

Come on I'll take care
of you. Move, move.

She's asleep in the chair.

Ernie give me a break
let me make a run for it.

This is a long shot
but it may work.

What is it?

We're gonna convince her
that he's only an hour late.

- How?
- You know wine

always makes Emma sleepy.

We'll give her a couple of
drinks, after she conks out,

we wake her up and tell her
she's been out for 9 hours.

No I will go it alone. Why
should the 4 of us die?

Oh ssshh.

Change the candle.

Rocco pull down the
shades, keep it quiet.

Kiss her and wake her up.

- Can't I just shake her?
- Kiss her, wake her up.

Rupert do you know for...

Should Old
Acquaintance Be Forgot...

Happy anniversary. Come on.

I brought you some
candy and some flowers.

Oh isn't that lovely,
Rocco take those flowers

and put them in some water.

Take the candy and
put them in the icebox tin.

Rupert I fell asleep
waiting for you.

What time is it? One hour
I've been waiting for you.

Well Emma 15 years by
George that calls for a toast.

An hour, a whole
hour I've been waiting.

I must say this is
probably my fault,

I insisted on coming along.

I made Rupert wait
for me till I got off duty,

although he did
say this is one night

he wanted to be alone with
his loyal and devoted wife.

- Is that true Rupert?
- I think so.

Oh yes a toast. A toast
to the young lovers.

By George I'm in
an expansive mood,

I want to wish you everything,
another 15 happy years.

Won't you join me, good
luck to the both of you?

Isn't that grand,
drink, drink my dear.

You know I better not I
get sleepy after 2 drinks.

But madam the night is young
and you're so beau, beautiful.

- In that case all right.
- Drink, drink.

What was that? A rooster.

- Rocco stop that.
- Stop what?

- You and your barnyard imitations.
- Oh stop it.

The minute he
hears there's a party

he wants to do his imitations.

Oh you should see
him with the lampshade,

he's scream, drink my
darling drink to Rupert,

unlucky in cards
but lucky in love.

What's that?

Oh that's company A,
they're on night maneuvers.

Drink my dear.

Oh they've got some nerve
making a racket like that.

- This time of the nig...
- Oh I want the first dance.

Music let there be music.

More music, and
wine and dancing.

Oh may I say how
lovely you dance

and the fuss they make
about Cyd Charisse.

Good morning everybody
the time is 6:00am.

This is Tom Connelly with
your early morning news.

Did you hear the boner
Tom Connelly made!

He's been drinking again you
know— "early morning newscast."

Shut up Bilko.

Oh that moonlight
is so blinding.

I've had it I've had it
get out of my way Bilko.

No, Emma it's
just a little joke.

Do you hear me
Rupert I've had it,

I don't care where
you were all night.

- I'm through.
- Emma we were just kidding.

Get out of my way Bilko...

I never hit anybody
with glasses.

- Oh you've done enough damage.
- You're getting the wrong.

As for you I'm fed up with
you and your fathead friends.

I'm through.

After 15 years
it's over, I'm free.

Did you hear that
everybody I'm free, free.

I'm gonna pack up and get
out of here once and for all.

Emma look, why don't
you listen to reason.

Bilko let her go she's nuts.

And don't anybody try to
stop me. It's over, finished.

I'm leaving here while
I've still got my looks.

I told you she was nuts.

Look she's really going to
leave, go in there and apologize.

Nothing doing, she's
liable to change her mind.

You don't know
what you're saying?

I don't huh, you don't
know what's it's like

to live with Air-Raid
siren for 15 years.

Every night it's
been battle stations,

I've had it with her too.

I'm free. I'm free.

Look what I've to show after
15 years of being married.

2 dresses and a
pair of G.I shoes.

I'm going to show everyone.

Look what I've got to show
for 15 years of marriage.

2 dresses and a
pair of G.I shoes.

Emma, I wanna talk to
you. You're getting so upset.

Nobody can sell
that goofball to me.

He never bought me
anything in his whole life.

I'm sick of his, of his
reading his comic books.

I'm sick of his grunting
instead of talking.

I'm sick of his never
paying any attention to me.

All right so he's not perfect,
is that any reason to break up

a happy marriage?

Bilko I wish you the
same kind of happiness,

now out of my way I'm
free, here I come world.

I'm free, free, free.

Don't just stand
there, go after her.

What for, she keeps
yapping like that

the ASPCA is gonna pick her up.

Somehow I feel
responsible for this.

Somehow I feel this is my fault.

Forget it Bilko you
did me a favour.

It's gonna be a pleasure
to get some sleep

without somebody yapping
at you. So long fellas.

Can you imagine
breaking up after 15 years?

It's not right Sarge.

Don't worry I'll get 'em
back together again.

No, I think she's gone for good.

That's how much you know women.

All Rupert has to do is
show Emma that he loves her;

she will come
running back to him.

But you heard him,
he's glad she's gone.

Oh yeah, that's what
he thinks right now.

When I get through with him,

he's gonna panting to
come back to Emma.

Rocco this picture,
make me 10 prints of it.

Do you understand, 10 prints.

Maybe I should've
shot him in the leg.

- Hey good morning Rupert.
- Hey pal.

- Any word from Emma.
- No but no news is good news.

Funny thing about Emma,
I kept thinking about her

all last night.
- That's your tough luck.

No kidding, I don't know
why I never noticed before,

but there's a
startling resemblance

between Emma and
a famous movie star.

Bilko you surprise me,

I never knew you
drank in the afternoon.

Take a look of this
picture of Emma.

- So?
- See the resemblance?

To who?

I don't know the name
is on the tip my tongue.

Famous star, your
favorite star, John Wayne.

Oh movie star woman,
an English woman.

- You mean Deborah Kerr?
- Deborah Kerr, don't you see it.

The same mature attractiveness,
the generous forehead,

the straight nose, the
warm curve of the mouth.

- Hey let me see that picture.
- See the resemblance.

- No!
- You must be blind.

Rocco and Henshaw
saw it right away.

Look the same
inner glow of beauty,

the same seductive look
in the eye, I'm telling you:

there's a startling
resemblance to Deborah Kerr.

And another thing you
know they were both born

under the same
zodiac sign Scorpio.

You can tell an awful
lot from astrology.

- Yeah like what?
- Well like 2 lovers.

They always have a piece of
music which they call our song.

You've heard that
expression. Our song.

What was your song
yours and Emma's.

What? Oh come
on cut it out Bilko.

Ah, I stirred up some
fond memories eh,

come on what was your song?

Well our song was The
Caissons Go Rolling Along.

The Caissons?

Yeah when we were first
married I was a chef at the artillery.

What a coincidence.

What do you thing Deborah
Kerr's favorite song is?

- What?
- The British artillery song,

"The Tommys Go Toddling Along."

- No kidding.
- You see the resemblance.

- Let me see that picture.
- See you can't miss it.

Deborah Kerr not bad.

Over Hill Over Dale.

Well I've got Ritzik marinating.

- Everything all set?
- All finished Ernie.

Good you got the
slide projector?

- Right here Sarge.
- And may I present our star.

Hey Sarge, did Sherry
make the tape for you?

Oh wait until you
hear this, it's a scream.

You got the platoon ready?

They've been rehearsing 2 hours.

Good boy, let’s go.

Hey Sarge, do you
think it'll will work?

How can it miss?

I know exactly what's
gonna happen tonight.

Ritzik is gonna try to sleep.

He won't be able
to, he will get up

and watch the late
show on television.

That won't work.

So he will play solitaire
and it will get worse.

- Leave it to me.
- Poor Ritzik.

What do you mean poor Ritzik;
I'm saving his marriage ain't I?

- Yeah but they hate each other.
- What does that got to do with it?

All right now remember
sweet and romantic.

Over Hill Over Dale We
Will Hit The Dusty Trail

As The Caissons
Go Rolling Along.

Emma, Emma bub bub bub boo.

Turn on the tape recorder.

Turn on the picture slide.

Rupert! Rupert lover,

Where are you?

Emma! Deborah!

Do you miss me Rupert?

I miss you.

Emma, Emma oh Emma.

Where are you?

Emma where are you?

Emma, Emma.

What a dream. I can't sleep.

Emma, Emma you've come
back. Emma oh it's you Bilko.

I was passing by I
noticed your light was on.

- I can't sleep.
- Well what's troubling you Rupert?

You promise you
won't laugh if I tell you.

- Oh I promise I won't laugh.
- I miss Emma.

Oh dear. That's understandable.

Why don't you forget these
things? Get a good night's sleep

and it'll be better
in the morning.

I can't I'll only
dream about her.

Oh yes.

Well look you have
a lovely television set,

why don't you watch
it and relax your mind.

Sit down.

After all television is
here for your enjoyment,

why not use it.

Don't keep thinking of one
thing. You know what I mean?

Look at that, this is great.

- Ooh it's Emma.
- Where?

- On the television set.
- Rupert what's the matter with you.

That was the late movie with
Hoot Gibson what's wrong with you.

Bilko can you tell me the
truth, am I flipping my lid?

No you're just upset
about... look sit down

play a little solitaire
it'll relax your mind.

Oh yeah maybe it will.

You can't just think of
one thing all the time.

Perhaps she will
come back some day,

but if you're gonna
keep pounding your brain

and worrying, worrying.
- Oooh ooh.

It's what, what what. What.

Look at the cards,
what do you see?

Ace of Diamonds, King
of Clubs, Nine of Spades...

What's wrong with you Rupert?

You know what I
think is wrong with you?

You're carrying a very large
torch and you ought to forget it.

Why don't you get a good
night's sleep and relax your mind.

You can't keep constantly
chugging on one thought.

Yeah maybe you're right.
I'll feel better in the morning.

Get a nice restful night sleep
and put this under your pillow.

- Hey Rup?
- Hey Bilko.

- How do you feel?
- Lousy?

Yeah I know it is, look I
wanna talk to you a minute.

Did you see the Roseville
gossip column today?

No why?

I hate to be the one
to have to tell you this,

but after all I am your
best friend and I got to.

Tell me what?

Rupert Emma is
living in Roseville.

- So?
- So there's more to this.

I clipped this out of the
paper. Wait till you hear this?

Well what is it?

Carter Wainwright the 3rd,
Canadian lumber millionaire

and popular the
vivacious Emma Ritzik

are past the hand holding stage.

- Let me see that.
- Why torture yourself?

Past the hand holding stage,
eh she didn't any waste any time.

Oh she didn't, and
a millionaire no less.

I don't what he sees in her?

Are you kidding, there
aren't many girls around

that look like Deborah Kerr.

Well she doesn't deserves you.

Oh what do we
have for lunch today?

- Consommé?
- Consommé? like it, like it.

Ooh! Ooh!

What's the matter Rupert?

Look at the soup. Tell
me what do you see?

- In the soup?
- Yeah.

- I see some noodles.
- It's no use Bilko.

Everywhere I look
I see Emma's face.

There, there Rupert.

I gotta get her back.
I gotta get her back.

Well I might as well tell you,

I happen to know that Emma
is working as the cashier

in the Roseville movie house.

I'll go down there tonight.
Hey maybe she'll take me back.

I'm sure she will, she'll
be glad to see you.

I gotta get her back. I got to.

Thank you. Emma please.

Get lost you bum!

Please give me a
chance I wanna talk to you.

I have nothing to say to you.

Now leave me alone
before I call a cop

- Oh come one now I forgive you.
- Officer.

I told you, when I
told I was through

and I want you
to leave me alone.

- What is the trouble here?
- This character is annoying me.

Officer I just
want to talk to her.

Soldier, come here.

Now look this town's
full of nice looking girls,

what do you want to bother
with that old tomato for?

That old tomato
happens to be my wife.

Pay no attention to
him, he's battle weary.

You mean to tell me
you're tryin'a make a date

with your own wife?
- That's right.

All right joker, now the next
time I see you over there,

I am runnin' ya in.

Ernie, do me a
favor do something.

I'll do somethin' -
get him out of here.

- Hello Emma.
- Leave me alone Bilko.

You've done enough harm.

Oh come on Emma
let bygones be bygones.

I'm not holding any grudge
Bilko all I want you to do

is leave me alone and drop dead.

Will you please,
will you please.

Will you please just
let me talk to you?

Do you want a ticket Bilko?

No I don't want a ticket,
I just don't want you

to throw away huh,
give me a ticket.

Emma I'm trying to
save your marriage,

the man wants to come
back give him a chance.

Give him a chance.

- Come on soldier.
- Lady please.

Don't throw away
happiness so lightly.

The man wants you,
why don't you want...

- Oh please soldier.
- Lady I'm talking here.

- Next please.
- All right give me a ticket.

Emma I'm begging you
please don't let her ruin his life,

she's too young for him.

Who's too young?

Oh why waste time
talking about her.

And for the life of me, I
don't see what he sees

in a 23 year old young,
blonde stripteaser.

What's to her, all
she has is this...

Rupert is going with a blonde?

I told him, I said Rupert
you're ruining your life.

These incessant midnight
champagne suppers.

Champagne?

I pleaded with him, I said
Rupert a man your age,

you can't turn your
home into a nightclub.

Excuse me please
I'd like to buy a ticket.

Oh shut up and wait your turn.

He's bringing a
blonde into my house?

Yes and every night
they have these...

well I'd like to tell you more
but I've run out of money.

Don't miss the newsreel.

- Ernie!
- Just do as I tell you.

I'm used to these things.
Everything oh champagne here good.

Oh Rocco, the minute Emma
drives up in a cab you let me know.

And Sherry, honey I'm depending
upon you give me a performance.

Make believe you're
nuts about the guy.

The minute she walks through

make it look like the
real thing you understand.

Take it easy Bilko I did 4
shows today, I'm pooped.

- Good girl.
- Ernie are you sure she'll be here?

She'll be here,
you'd be surprised

how desirable a husband
becomes the minute

the wife finds out he's got
another woman in the picture.

Hey Sarge there's
a taxi pulling up.

This is it. Get set.

Oh boy I don't know
how to thank ya.

Emma's coming back to me.

Oh thank me; you
know I'm a firm believer

in the sanctity of the home.

Come on, put your
arm around her.

No, no this way. Its looks
more aah, ah..that's it.

Now give me..look in
her eye..like you mean it.

You cling to him... whatever
happens you cling to him.

Now hold, something missing.

Champagne, now hold this here.

Gay, gaiety, laugh,
Laugh it up laugh.

- That's him.
- Emma you're back.

Sure and I got a
present for you here.

- What's this?
- A subpoena.

- Oh Emma please I love you.
- Save it for the judge.

We'll see how much money

you'll have to spend
on peroxide blondes.

I'm suing you for a divorce.

What happened?

Hey I'm not getting
mixed up in any divorce.

I got a reputation to think of.

Oh I've lost Emma
forever. I knew it, I knew it.

It's your fault.
It's your fault.

Oh stop it, stop
being hysterical.

- What's this?
- A subpoena.

Holy smoke. No
they don't, they don't.

I'll fight this in the
highest court in the land.

What does it say Ernie?

It says he's gotta be
in the judge's chambers

11 o'clock tomorrow morning.

Here's what you have
to do, when you see her.

Oh, no I can't do anything,
I'm scared of judges.

Oh it's simple you just tell
the judge you love Emma,

and you want her back.

No I lost her forever.
Our love is in the ashcan.

Emma, Emma.

Boy I guessed we
fixed them real good.

No, no, she ain't
getting away with this.

I'm gonna remind
Emma that she promised

to love, honor and obey
in sickness and in health.

- Ritzik is sick?
- He married Emma didn't he?

Ritzik versus Ritzik sounds
like Graziano versus Zale.

Your honour, there's a Sgt.
Rupert Ritzik outside to see you.

Rupert Ritzik,
he's an hour early

probably he can't wait
to get rid of his wife.

Send him in.

I really want to tell this
man what I think of him.

Emma, Emma, excuse me.

Emma where are you
why don't you answer me.

Where's my loved one?

Out of your reach Mr. Ritzik
where you can do her no harm!

She's not here? My
darling angel is not here?

Darling angel, if I have my say

you will never see
your darling angel again.

Never live without my loved one.

Then there's only
one way out for me.

I'm gonna jump, I...

All right Ritzik
control yourself.

Sit down and talk this over.

Oh you don't know it.

You don't know your
honor, the lonesomeness,

the torture, life without Emma.

I'd rather not live. Oh
be swift merciful dagger.

Let me see.

Now according to this statement

your wife is your
injured party not you.

Statement.

That's right I have
it right her before me

in black and white a
complete record of your abuses.

I've never heard
of such cruelty.

I must admit your
honor I was cruel.

I used to make her get out of
bed every afternoon at 1 o'clock.

She slept until 1
o'clock in the afternoon?

Oh you would to your honor if
you were up all night gambling,

you don't know the
strain of it, betting, dealing.

Your, your wife
gambled every night?

When there was no
Bingo game in town.

You mean she, she went
out every night to gamble?

Oh I must be honest, not
every night just 2 nights a week.

The other 5 nights the
game was at our house.

I didn't mind for myself.

It was just...

Just what?

Just that I did so want to
keep it from the children.

Children, she doesn't mention
anything about children in here.

But she has some silly obsession

she thought having the
children made her look older.

And they're such
fine boys your honor,

the minute they
heard about this mess,

they came right home
from college to be my side.

Oh, they are here?

Oh yes and I want you
to meet them your honor.

Brucie, Shepherd.

- Yes Dad.
- Is Mother in here?

Here they are my little, these
are my boys your honour.

This is Bruce, he
is going to Yale.

He is studying to be
a doctor. Boola boolas.

This is my first born.

This is Shepherd he is
going to Harvard law school.

He wants to be a judge
like you your honor.

They look a little
old for college.

Well when they
heard the bad news

they aged 10 years
overnight your honor.

Dad what went wrong
between you and mother?

You certainly kept it from us.

I had to, but heaven
knows I tried boys.

I tried.

You've been a
brick about it dad.

It's just the 3 of us now,

I'll have to be both
mother and father to you.

No you won't Mr. Ritzik.

Before I met you and your
boys I had made up my mind

and was prepared to
give your wife her freedom,

but now I see this case
in an entirely different light.

You hear that
boys the nice judge

is sending our mummy back to us.

A cheer for the judge.

- Hip! Hip!
- Hooray.

Mr. Ritzik your wife is
gonna be home tonight.

Tonight.

Now my advice to
you is simply this,

mutual respect is the
foundation for any marriage.

Judge is right
listen to him, listen.

A little politeness, a little
affection goes along way.

I tried, I tried.

You remember that and
see if you and Mrs. Ritzik

can't make a fresh start hey.

Yes I will try. Your
honor I will try.

I'm gonna tell the
same thing to your wife.

No, no, if you do your
honor don't tell her

about the gambling
or the children,

she is so sensitive about that.

Oh yes I understand that.

Thank you your honor. Come
boys we're a family again.

We're a thing of togetherness.

Hip! Hip! Hooray.

- Here's your coffee.
- Oh thank you dear.

- Don't mention it Rupert.
- Nevertheless I'm grateful.

- Thank you.
- It's all right.

Isn't nice to behave
like the judge said

with politeness and respect.
- Yeah great.

- Look Emma I.
- Rupert do you think.

Oh I beg your pardon,
you were saying?

Was there anything on
television that you cared to watch?

Oh I thought you wanted
to see the fights tonight dear.

Well nevertheless, I'm
willing to forego that pleasure

if you have one of your
favorite programs on.

You're much too
kind and considerate.

Not at all.

- I'll get it.
- Oh let me.

Well if we're gonna have
company I better go in

and fix up a little.

Yes, do that dear.

Oh hallo Bilko.

Hei Rupert, just checking
how is everything going?

- Yeah nice and calm.
- Calm?

Yeah like a funeral.

Meaning it's working
out all right isn't it?

Yeah but it's dull.

She agrees with
me I agree with her.

It's not us, the magic is gone.

The magic, and how
is Emma taking this?

She is bored, I'm bored. We're
like 2 strangers in a house.

I think I know what to
do. You just leave it to me.

Well hallo Mrs. Ritzik?

Good evening Sgt. Bilko won't
you stay for a cup of coffee.

Oh thank you very much, I
just came by to pick up Rupert,

we're going to have a poker game

with the rest of the boys tonight.
- What?

Oh don't worry he
can only lose $50, $60

Nothing doing Bilko.

Do you hear that
Rupert nothing doing.

You're gonna let her
run your life Rupert?

What's the matter if I go play
some cards with the boys?

Over my dead body.

Don't tempt me
Emma, don't tempt me.

For 15 years, it's
been the same thing.

I've been standing
this night after

and now I'm not gonna
have this anymore.

I told you I was through.

- Emma!
- Rupert!

Oh I've missed you.

The magic is
back. Have fun kids.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Joe E Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Paul Lipson as Patsy.

Parker Fennelly
as Mr. MacGregory

Burt Thorn as Mr. Forbes.

Ben Lackland as Horatio Flink

and Beatrice
Pons as Mrs. Ritzik.