The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Colonel's Reunion - full transcript

General Bertram Whitney,

United States Army
retired WWII hero

and President of
Consolidated Industries

will be host to some of
his former regiment mates

this coming weekend
at the Whitney estate.

Have the invitations
gone out yet?

No dear, I wanted to check
the guest list with you once more.

Oh good. Now let me see.

Oh here we are, Gen. Barnet.

Of course yeah, good old Tom.

- Gen. Gruder.
- By all means yes.



Col. Hall. Jack
Hall of Fort Baxter?

Yes I heard you my dear go on.

Gen. Larsen. What?

I was just thinking
of Old Melonhead.

- Who?
- Jack Hall.

He was the character
of the old 33rd regiment.

I wonder what Old
Melonhead is up to these days.

Gentlemen tonight we
launch Operation Moonbeam.

We're dealing with a
crafty and ruthless foe.

But if Operation
Moonbeam succeeds

I'll have achieved a victory that
has eluded Army commanders

from Germany to New Guinea.

I'll have smashed
Bilko's gambling activities.

Now let's have
a look at the map.



According to our
intelligence reports,

enemy activity can be expected
from any of these points.

Bilko's room naturally.
The gun shed.

The furnace room the
grease pit in the motor pool,

and the basement of
this installation here.

Not there Sir, he wouldn't.

Oh yes, but when
you raid it be quiet,

so as not to disturb
the Chaplain.

I suppose they have
sentries posted?

Yes and they must be overwhelmed
before they can give warning.

Once inside, follow the
scorched earth policy.

I want everything burned,

cards, dice, roulette
wheels, everything.

- Is that clear?
- Yes Sir.

Very well, then lets
synchronize our watches.

It's exactly 1500.

Good luck gentlemen.

"Dear diary, on
the eve of battle

I'm strangely calm and
confident of ultimate victory."

All clear out here Sarge.

And the winner is no.12.

Good nobody has it.

Wait, wait a minute, I
win I win I have no. 12.

- You have no. 12?
- Yeah.

What do you have on it?

- My wallet.
- Your wallet.

Well as long as
we're betting leather

give him a shoe, get back!

All right. Here we go.

The Wheel of fortune spins,
nobody know where it stops..

Game alive, get your bets in
we haven't got all night men.

- Come on let's...
- Brass!

Halt! Stay where you are Bilko.

All right men confiscate
all gambling equipment.

Gambling equipment? Oh
there must some mistake Sir

This is merely
recreational equipment Sir.

Sure, this, this
is a scrabble set.

The way the Captain
tells 'em.. no Sir,

I'll admit it is a
roulette wheel Sir.

But I was teaching them men
battle tactics in the round ball.

The little white
ball represents...

Oh save your breath Bilko
you've got everything men?

Yes Sir, 6 decks of
cards, 3 pair of dice

and 2 boxes of poker chips.

- And this.
- Where did that come from?

Sir I've been framed,
this stuff was planted here.

- Sir I can assure...
- All right lets go men.

Here we go again.

Sir I protest, when weary
soldiers can't indulge

in a little innocent merriment

without the
Government stepping in.

I may say that...

Sarge, Sarge how
did they get in here

without Zimmerman seeing 'em?

I don't know but
I'm about to find out.

Zimmerman!

Maybe he fell asleep.
You can't trust him.

You give him...

Hold it, Zimmerman
what happened?

They mean business they
got M.Ps all over the place.

Oh I guess that means no
more gambling huh Sarge?

Never! I've just begun a fight.

Now look, tomorrow
here is what we do.

Come on I'll tell
you what we do...

Sarge!

Come on Ritzik,
are you in or out?

Deal me in.

Here comes Ritzik, Ernie you
sure you got the door looked.

Don't worry its
locked, it's locked.

Okay who opens? Not me.

I can't.
- I pass -Pass -Out.

Hold it, I open for $2.

Isn't it amazing how lucky
he gets every time he deals?

Open up Bilko we
know you're in there.

- You guys know what to do guys.
- Right Sarge.

So gentlemen you
just add a dash of salt,

with a soupcon of pepper.

All right Bilko break it up
we know you're gambling.

Gambling, well Sir
this is our regular

Wednesday evening cooking class

under the guidance of that
Master Chef Sgt. Ritzik, Sir

All right step aside Bilko.

What are you making Sgt. Ritzik?

Oh it's a wonderful culinary
thing he stumbled on Sir.

It's a dish fit for a King.

Aha or a Queen,
or a Jack or an Ace.

The Captain knows card tricks?

I didn't see those cards
slip off your sleeve Sir,

would you like to
see some more tricks?

All right quiet Bilko, quiet.

All right men disperse
them come on.

Come on. Come on hurry up.

Hurry up.

But Sir.

Now listen Bilko, why
don't you get wise?

The Colonel is cracking down,
no more gambling on the post.

Gambling Sir, does a cooking
class constitute gambling?

All right come on. But Sir, I.

All right 10 more. I see
you and I raise you 10.

Okay. What do you got?

4 kings.

Hold it, hold it read
them and weep, 4 aces.

All right in there,
outside, outside.

This is the 3rd
night in a row Bilko;

you might as well give up.

Never Sir, I will never stop
testing these gas masks,

till I know they're
foolproof for my boys.

Bilko you were
playing poker in there.

Poker, well thank heavens,
I have a witness Sir.

Mullen were we playing poker?

Yes.

Col. Hall.

- Yes Bilko.
- Men this is a real leader.

This is no armchair Officer.

This is a leader who
goes out with his men,

whether it is on
the field of battle

or testing dangerous equipment.
- Quiet Bilko.

No, I can't keep quiet Sir,

I must give credit
where credit is due.

- I'm proud.
- Quiet Bilko!

- Now you listen to me.
- Yes Sir.

There is to be no gambling
of any kind on this post.

This is war Bilko.

I guess we're licked, huh Sarge?

Never, what kind
of a soldier are you?

We're never licked.

Rocco tomorrow night
rendezvous at X-2.

The shower room? Yes

And why don't you tell everybody
Henshaw you understand

Get me the plastic
water proof cards.

Be careful who you
talk to, there's obviously

a stool pigeon
amongst us. Come on.

All right everybody out
and turn off that hot water.

Can't even take a shower.
All right you boys lets go.

- Let's go, Bilko, let's go.
- Cossacks!

We didn't even get a chance
to get a chance to get started.

Poor Doberman he
took a shower for nothing.

Any ideas Sarge?

Seriously the Colonel
means business.

- So?
- Let me think, let me think.

This is murder
Saturday night is pay day,

we ain't got no place
to run the game.

There's gotta be a
place. There must be.

Come in. How about
the isolation ward?

Sarge what regiment
was the Colonel in

that he's always talking about?

I ain't got enough trouble,

now I've gotta answer
stupid questions.

Please Sarge it's important.

All right, it was the 33rd
Regiment. Leave me alone.

Oh boy what a break
now I can visit my family.

Now that makes sense.

See here Sarge here is the paper

my family always
sends me from Chicago.

See here where it says about
the 33rd Regiment reunion.

Now I can drive the
Colonel to Chicago

and see my family
at the same time.

- It's a miracle, a miracle.
- Miracle, I don't get it?

Don't you get it,
with this reunion

the Colonel will be off
the post for the weekend?

So? So.

When the cats away
the dice will play.

Sarge, is he invited?

Are you kidding the 33rd
wouldn't hold their reunion

without our illustrious Colonel.

They're gonna wanna have
a man there with forcefulness.

A man who reminds them
of aggressive thinking.

A... you're right I better
check first thing in the morning

to see if he's invited.

Come in. Good morning Sir.

What is it Bilko?

Unconditional
surrender Sir I give up.

May I compliment you Sir
I've never seen a campaign

carried off with such
smoothness, and precision

since the Normandy
Beach-Head Sir.

Like clockwork
eh Bilko. Yes Sir.

Now that's there's to
be no more gambling

I trust you'll take a
more active interest

in your motor platoon.

Oh yes Sir, as a matter
of fact this afternoon

I'm having your staff
car overhauled Sir.

Well it was just
overhauled 2 weeks ago.

Well Sir I figured
why take a chance

with mechanical
difficulties on that long trip

you're gonna take this weekend.

Long trip, it's only a
mile and half to Roseville?

Roseville sir?

Yes my wife and I are going to
the movies there Saturday night,

that is if it's all
right with you.

Well what, what, what
about, did... aren't you going..?

Have a good time Sir.

I've got him confused.

Looks like Gen. Whitney didn't
invite the Colonel to the reunion.

- Why not?
- Why, because he's a snob.

That's why and I'm
not gonna stand for it.

Take a telegram.

Send it to Gen. Bertram Whitney

care of Consolidated
Industries, Chicago, Illinois.

Put down, "Dear
General," no, make that,

"Dear BW," no that's not good.

Say "Dear Bert, arriving
Chicago Saturday

and actually looking
forward to seeing you."

Sign it Jack Hall. Let me
see him get out of that.

I don't see how we can
get out of it Cornelia.

We'll have to invite him.

But dear, won't
an ordinary Colonel

bring down the tone
of the whole weekend?

Well it can't be helped; it's
just an unfortunate coincidence

that he should be
passing though Chicago,

when I planned this reunion.

Oh Bertram, but where
am I going to put them?

- How about one of the maid's rooms?
- Oh very well.

Say, send them a
note with the invitation.

Say dear Melon Head,
now you better change that.

"Dear Jack, looking
forward to seeing you again."

Send that off dear.
He may give us a laugh.

Huh, old Melon Head.

I still can't believe it.

Nell I didn't think Gen.
Whitney even remembered me.

That's your whole trouble dear.

You're always
underestimating yourself.

Why shouldn't he remember you?

Nell, it will be really fun
seeing the old gang again.

Oh yes. Well I
must finish packing.

Well I'll get it dear.

I'll be with you in
a moment dear.

Come in Bilko.

Sir your staff car is
outside and Pvt. Paparelli

is at the wheel
just raring to go Sir.

- Fine, fine.
- Sir we're all so happy for you.

We know how much this
reunion must mean to you.

And after all Gen
Whitney doesn't invite

everybody to his home Sir.

Yes it is quite an honour.

I'll see you in minute Bilko; I
gotta go and do some packing.

Yes Sir, come here.

Now look the minute
the Colonel goes,

I want the roulette
table right here.

Along the back wall is going
to be the black jack tables.

In the kitchen is where
we'll hold the poker game.

- But Sarge in the Colonel's house?
- What better place.

Who'd think of looking
here? What! What!

Listen Sarge maybe
we shouldn't do it,

Yes maybe we should
run the ping pong tourn..

Oh let me help
you with those bags.

Bilko, I've given Capt.
Barker specific instructions,

there's to be absolutely
no gambling on the post

over this weekend.

That won't be necessary Sir,

you see this weekend is
our Ping Pong tournament Sir.

Well I don't want
any of your boys

taking over while you're gone.

You see Zimmerman
was runner-up last year;

we're all rooting
him home this year,

because he is so little...
While I'm gone Sir?

Yes, I've decided to take
you to Chicago with me.

Me? Me?

But Sir, Paparelli's
folks are in Chicago,

he is just so anxious
to get there Sir

and it will break his heart.

Paparelli is going too.
You'll take turns driving.

Now get these
bags out in the car.

I'll go get Mrs. Hall.

But Sir, gambling
is the furthest thing...

What did I do wrong?

What happened, I
planned everything from...

You're starting again.
You're starting with me.

What's the use of a it, I've
got a brilliant mind and...

It's funny they're
no closets here.

John doesn't Gen. Whitney
have a lovely home?

Yeah there must 30 rooms here.

If they're all this small Sir,
Sir there must be 130 rooms.

That's enough Bilko.

Yes Sir, what time
does the Colonel

want us to pick
him up Sunday Sir?

About 6 o'clock and
don't get into trouble

while you're in Chicago Bilko.

Trouble, good heavens
Sir, Paparelli's folks

have been nice
enough to invite me over

for a pizza festival Sir.

Have a good time,
you too, Mrs. Hall.

I believe you will be the
most charming woman there

but please save one
dance for the Colonel.

Oh thank you Sergeant. Good bye.

But John dear all the ladies
will be so expensively gowned,

which dress do you think
I should wear for dinner?

- Ah the blue one.
- Oh do you think it's nice enough.

Yes it certainly
should be, it cost $17.

Oh boy Ernie I can't
wait to get home.

Nobody makes a
pizza pie like my mother.

Yeah and after the
pizza festival what, what.

He, he what, girls, what else?

I tell you there's
something about Col. Hall

that makes me wanna laugh.

Oh Bertram, I must admit
they're a rather droll couple.

Maybe it's that perpetual
dazed expression on his face.

Ah I feel so sorry for his
wife; she is rather pretty

but all those frumpy little
dresses she wears oh dear.

Say I better get started and
dress, our guests will be arriving.

Yes, dear you really better.

Hey Sarge they're
talking about the Colonel.

Worse than that, they're
laughing at him and it's my fault.

Come on Sarge there's
nothing we can do about it now.

Oh yes there is, I'll make
'em change their tune.

Come on help me get some
of my clothes out of the car.

Isn't that wonderful?

George good to see you again.

How are you
Bert? Fine, just fine.

Elizabeth you're
looking lovelier than ever.

- Oh thank you Bertram.
- Cornelia is right over there.

Good I'm dying to see her.

Well I see Mathew and
Tom, who else is here?

George I have a
surprise for you.

Ah. Among our
guests is Jack Hall.

What! Not old Melon Head?

The one and only.

Poor John, I'm looking
forward to talking to him.

Yes. Begging your pardon Sir.

I will see you later Bert.

There is someone to
see you in the library.

Who is it, Jefferies?
He didn't say Sir.

And if I may say Sir, he is
rather an odd looking individual.

- Tell him to wait.
- He said it was very urgent Sir.

Oh very well.

You wanted to see me?

You're Gen. Whitney?
Yes, yes of course.

Yes you're the one I sent for.

Sent for who are you anyway?

Keep your voice down,
for security reasons

I cannot divulge
my real identity.

However you may
refer to me as X-43.

Central Intelligence Agency?

By jove you are slow.
But you do catch on.

Now...

One of your guests is the
mastermind of Operation Moonbeam.

Operation Moonbeam? Will you.

Silence... what is
the matter you fool?

Yes he is the guiding
genius of a crash program

that will establish American
supremacy in outer space.

Who is he?

John Hall?

Will you keep your voice down,

you could get us all killed!

- I'm sorry.
- Swallow that paper.

Come in.

Yes I think you will like
this new insurance policy.

Yes Jeffries what is it?
You see I'm engaged.

I'm terribly sorry
Sir Mrs. Whitney

has been asking for you Sir.

Tell her I'll be
along in a moment.

- You think he heard?
- I don't think so.

We can't take chances.

Get rid of him. Get rid of him?

But he's been in
the family for years.

I've seen that face in Istanbul.

Oh I'm sure you're
mistaken... I can vouch for him.

Very well if you wanna
take the responsibility,

the Colonel will be
furious when he finds out.

John Hall I just
can't believe it.

He always seemed so,
so... Go ahead say it, stupid?

Yes stupid. How dare you!

Stupid, one of the top
scientific military minds

of our history you
call him stupid.

I'm sorry I really
didn't mean that.

Well I should
think you would be.

By George if we had
all listened to John Hall,

we would've been on the moon 2
years ago. The Colonel is a genius.

Now I think of it, he always
did seem so profound.

Profound. I'll say profound.

Oh I remember those
debates at Princeton

with Professor Einstein.
- Hall worked with Einstein?

Oh yes I can still hear the
Professor discussing him

at various time, he
would say, oh John Hall..

And I put him in the
maids room. You what?

I put him in the maid's room,

but I'll have him changed to
larger quarters immediately.

Thank you and let me
caution you one more thing

when you return to your guests
give him no special treatment,

treat him like anyone else.
Yes of course I understand.

One more precautionary measure.

You will remember that he
is engaged in top, top secret.

You'll discuss this with no one.

- Not a word, I understand.
- Very well.

Now may I show you out?

I have ways.

Curtis! Tom! Matt!

Melon Head?

Ssh... and that's not all.

I wonder why Col. Hall
and his wife aren't down yet?

She is probably wondering
which dress to wear,

the gingham or the calico.

Oh Cornelia that's delicious.

Pardon me madam but
there's a gentleman here

- to see you in the library.
- Who is it?

He didn't say madam, but
he said it was most urgent.

Oh very well excuse me a moment.

You wanted to see me?

No, no Mademoiselle I want to
see your mother, Madam Whitney.

But I'm Madam Whitney.

You, you are madam, oh Mon
Dieu you American women,

you too - zut - so
young, so charming.

Really now monsieur...

Oh permit me to introduce
myself I'm Pierre Boudoir.

- Oh you're dressmaker?
- Dressmaker no, no.

I'm the fashion designer, oui!

Oh if you will just sign
ze paper I will be gone.

- Sign what?
- This is what you call ze routine.

It merely gives me a permission
to use a picture of your house

on the cover of Chic
Parisian fashion magazine.

If you will please.

- My home in a fashion magazine.
- Home?

Your home will become
a shrine to all the

style conscious women
of American I say,

you make thank
Mrs. Hall for this.

You mean Nell Hall?

- Well in Paris we call Fru Fru.
- Fru! Fru?

Tonight she is introducing
Madik's creation.

Oh yes it will be the essence
of simplicity, not busy this out.

Oh it breaks the
heart when one thinks

she will wear my gorgeous
creation once and then poof.

- Poof?
- Yes.

Tomorrow she gives it away to
a chamber maid, or somebody.

She is what you Americans
call very generous.

- Oh how could I've been so blind.
- Como?

Oh nothing.

Oh well if you
would sign the paper,

I will run because
Wally will be waiting.

- Wally?
- Yes the Duchess.

Oh yes I made the dresses
for the Duchess and for Elsa.

And I said girls you are wrong
they do not wear ze low cut,

but they want low, low.

Can I do something
you say? Same idea.

Well au revoir, ma cherie, can
I ask you for one more favor?

Do not allow anyone to
steal a copy of the dress

or the design because
it will not be in America,

for another year you
will do zis for me?

Oh but of course Monsieur.

Oh I will I'm late.
I'm late au revoir

And I thought, oh dear.

Well sounds like
they're all in there. Yes.

Well I guess we have to go in.

John I know this dress isn't
fancy enough for the occasion.

Maybe it was a
mistake coming here.

- I feel out of place.
- Oh John you sound very silly.

You look very handsome.

But Nell every one of them
has an important Army post

and I'm in command of a
camp, nobody ever heard of.

John you sound
perfectly ridiculous.

And anyway it's too
late to back out now.

You're right dear.

I hope none on them remember
that Melon Head business.

What? Oh nothing.

Well let's get it over with.

Here they are at last.

Oh there they are.

All right everybody.

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,
Which Nobody Can Deny.

Hello everybody. Come my dear.

Big of you to take time out to
see us, we know how busy you are.

Busy? Operation Moonbeam.

What?

Now look we know you
don't want to talk about it,

but we want you to know
that you have our admiration

- for a job well done.
- Well it was nothing really.

- I just don't like gambling.
- And you're so right.

It's suicide gambling
with our National Security.

- I beg your pardon?
- Jack open up.

- Tell us about it.
- Oh now boys, let's not pump him.

We'll learn all the
details in good time.

Jack I'd like a word with you.

- He called me Jack.
- Certainly General.

Call me Bert. Bert.

Jack I want you to
come down and look over

the plant of
Consolidated Industries.

Why I, I would be glad to Bert.

You see running
a big outfit like that

is a tremendous
job for just one man.

And it's so hard to
get qualified personnel

especially on the
executive level.

Oh those French
couturiers do have a touch.

You just can't mistake it.

I'm familiar with
Nombouche and Delesioga,

but I always say there is
no one like Pierre Boudoir.

You just can't get originals
like that in Chicago.

Well if you like it so
much I'll send you one

as soon I get back to Roseville.

Oh thank you so much.

I'm lucky usually the
chamber maid gets it.

- John?
- Nell.

Guess what, Gen.
Whitney just offered me

a $25,000 a year position
with Consolidated Industries.

Oh John I'm so proud of
you. Are you going to take it?

Well I don't know. The
whole idea is so new.

I told Bert I
would think it over.

- Bert?
- He calls me Jack.

Really Mrs. Hall?

And Gen Whitney
has offered Col. Hall

the most wonderful executive
position with his company

and they call each
other Bert and Jack.

Isn't it exciting?

Oh yes its splendid Mrs. Hall.

Oh Dino I didn't
think around this.

I can't let that happen.

Why not? Why not?

The Colonel in big
business, are you kidding.

In one week he will go from
Vice president, to night watchman.

Out of the Army
he will be hopeless.

What about me?

Do you want me spent another
8 years breaking in an Officer?

No Siree Bob I can't let the
Colonel get out of the Army.

I will be with you
in a minute Nell.

Here he comes
Sarge. Follow my lead.

Oh yes Paparelli, the minute
the Colonel leaves Fort Baxter

- I'm gonna run things my way.
- What way is that Sarge?

Believe me pal, with operation
moonbeam out of the way

I'm gonna operate real big.

I'm gonna have direct lines
to all the major race tracks.

That sounds good Sarge.

We will do better than that;

I'm going to open
our gambling facilities

to the citizens of Roseville.

Do you think you will
get away with it Sarge?

Why not they pay taxes,
why should they be barred.

Big, it's gonna big.

Hey I'm gonna the WACs dressed
as waitresses in net stockings.

Heeh, yah ha!

Hey I've got one another thing,

I've gotta find an outdoor
spot for the casino,

with a lot of
sun in it. I got it.

- Where?
- We'll built it

on the Colonel's garden.

The minute the Colonel
leaves the post, I'll tear up

all of those silly flowers,
build the foundations.

It does gonna be fun,
fun action, action, action.

All right Bilko.

Oh Col. Hall we
were just discussing

your new business opportunity.

- Isn't it splendid Sir?
- Bilko!

We hate to see you go
because you've earned

the admiration of all
the men at Fort Baxter.

Bilko quiet! Yes Sir.

Bilko I'm not gonna stand
by and let a camp belonging to

United States Army be
taken over by a mafia in khaki.

But Sir, but Sir.

Bilko I'm wise to you and
now that I've got you on the run,

I'm not retiring.

But Sir what about your
wonderful business opportunity?

The opportunity can wait.

Fort Baxter is more
important to me at the moment.

It isn't much Bilko
but I love that camp.

And I'm not gonna let you
turn it into a carnival ground.

But really Sir. Never mind.

Get those bags into the car.

You thought you
had it made Bilko,

but this is one time
your scheme didn't work.

Yes Sir. Oh, that was close.

We almost lost him, I gotta
be more careful from now on.

- You were wonderful Sarge.
- Now get the bag.

Get the bags. Get
that bags. Move! Move!

You'll become a solider,
now get out of here.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Howard St. John as
Gen. Bertram Whitney.

Madeline Clive as Mrs. Whitney.

Joe E Ross as Sergeant. Ritzik,

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

And Nick Saunders
as Capt. Barker.