The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 19 - Bilko's Pigeons - full transcript

And here are the
orders Col. Hall.

By the way this report just
came in from Washington, Sir.

"All Post Commanders, Carrier
Pigeon training and breeding

will be terminated
as of this date..."

Something wrong, Colonel?

Well, an Order
from the Pentagon,

we're gonna have to
give up our carrier pigeons.

I didn't know we had any, Sir.

Yes, Sgt. Bilko has
been looking after them.

Bilko? Taking care of pigeons?

That's why I hate
to give them up.



It's the only decent
thing he's ever done.

The moment Bilko took it
upon himself to look after

the carrier pigeons I
knew he couldn't be all bad.

I'd hoped in time it might
change his character.

- But I guess it's too late.
- Yeah, I see what you mean, Sir.

- It's too bad it had to happen.
- Yes, it certainly is.

Oh, there goes one
of the little devils now.

I think it's Wing Ding, yes and
Hasty Belle right behind him.

Bilko exercise the pigeons
every day at this time.

It's the only time I can
be sure he isn't gambling.

And here they come
around the Colonel's office

and it's Wing Ding leading
by a length and a half.

Wing Ding is in front.

Moving up fast to be
second, it's Hasty Belle.



Moving up on the outside,
there goes Scatter Brain.

- Come on Sarge.
- I want to see.

Wait a minute, you're
jostling the binoculars.

And here they come,
boys, finishing line,

and it's Wing Ding by a beak!

And coming up second is Hasty
Belle and third is Scatter Brain

and that result is official.

How about that
race? Another Bilko...

The winner Wing Ding.

All right, boys, here's
the winner, Wing Ding.

- Who had Wing Ding?
- Right here, come on!

Pay up! All right pay
him off! Pay him off!

What about Shady Lady?

- How about Shady Lady?
- Not yet, Sarge.

No sign of it, huh?

Well, I guess the poor
thing ran the other way.

Hello little baby, you
ran a wonderful race.

All right fellas, don't
forget tomorrow.

Same time, same place the
20 mile pigeon stake race.

Bring money you bird-lovers.

Oh, cool him out
Doberman, very gently.

He's had a tough race.

Walk him gently,
attaboy Wing Ding.

- How did we do?
- $5.20.

Splendid!

That means we've got
$86 in the Jaguar Fund.

All we need now is $275
for the down payment,

and that Jaguar is ours.

Sarge, Sarge,
I've been thinking.

The Jaguar is only a
two-seater and there's 12 of us.

So how can we all use it?

Very simple. I worked
it out with algebra.

We alternate.

Don't you see, Monday
I have the Jaguar.

Tuesday it's yours, Paparelli.

Wednesday I have it.
Thursday little Henshaw has it.

Friday I have it and on
Saturday to show no favoritism,

we toss for it.
- That's fair?

You're gonna fight
with algebra? Are you?

Oh those pigeons
were a blessing.

Without them we'd have
no chance of getting the car.

Know what they are?

They're like a trust
fund, a trust fund.

Hey Ernie.

Those little darlings are
worth their weight in gold,

not only that do you
know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna breed
'em and then race 'em

cross-country, cross-country!

- Big race!
- Ernie.

This may replace the trotters.

- Ernie.
- What is it?

What? What's so
important to read?

I'm talking here.
All right, I'll read it.

"Carrier Pigeon
training and breeding

will be terminated of
this date..." I have read it.

Are you happy now
that you interrupted?

Not only that, I'm
gonna run a daily double.

Tell the fellas, if they
wanna bet one entry,

they've got a copy... What?

"Carrier..." oh I
get it, it's a little rib.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

What's to be sorry
about? It's very obvious.

Somebody in Washington
is out to get me.

- Oh Sarge.
- Oh no, no, I face these things.

Some big shot with
nothing to do sits at his desk,

"So what shall we do today?

Let's take away
Bilko's pigeons."

But he ain't
getting away with it.

Oh no, let them
show some efficiency.

There's a sky full of sunlight.

What do they want
with my little pigeons?

But they don't care do
they come and check?

No, no. I work these things out.

They don't push me around.
It's still America, no Sir.

Sarge, but Sarge.

Come in.

Sir, say it isn't true.

I knew you'd feel this way
about the pigeons, Bilko.

And after all their years of
loyal service to their Government,

getting messages in
when none can get in, Sir.

Are they now to be used and
cast aside like an old shoe, Sir?

I know Bilko. But I
can do nothing about it.

Nothing? Are they to
be torn from my side,

my breath, my life, my
children? Yes my children.

I've raised these little
feathered foundlings, Sir.

Bilko, I'm going to
do something about it.

Edna, get me the
Pentagon, Gen. Trinker.

I'm gonna talk to them, Bilko.

I see no reason why you
couldn't keep them as pets.

You see? You see people do care.

Oh Sir, I knew it! I knew
you'd see it that way.

Under that stern
soldier's exterior,

beats the heart of
a true bird-lover, Sir.

I know how you feel,
Bilko. I watched them today.

- Did you Sir?
- They were beautiful

as they circled in and
flew into the barracks.

- Yes.
- Hasty Belle followed by Wing Ding.

No, no Sir, Wing Ding won.

Hasty Belle placed and
Shady Lady ran out of money.

Edna, cancel that call. Bilko...

Sir, it was just a
figure of speech, Sir.

I know I heard
it at Santa Anita.

So that's what
you've been doing?

Racing the pigeons
and betting on 'em.

Sir, look at it my way, just
a little harmless amusement

to keep the men
out of trouble, Sir.

Quiet Bilko!

I want you to follow
the Army directive

and get rid of those
pigeons immediately.

Yes, Sir. I'm sorry.

If I see a pigeon around
here after tomorrow,

I'm gonna break you down so far,

you'll be saluting
privates... in Alaska!

Yes Sir.

- Mr. Huggins?
- Yes.

I'm Sgt. Bilko. I called
you about the pigeons.

Oh yes. I hope you
still have room for them.

Of course, my,
what beautiful birds.

Yes, aren't they?

I know this is gonna be a
great loss to you, Sergeant.

Well, I'll find another
racket... uh, another hobby.

One must find hobbies, you know.

Don't you worry; we'll
take very good care of them.

I'm sure you will.

Now, we'll just
fill out this form.

- Yes Sir.
- Donor?

MSgt. Ernest Bilko.

Ernest Bilko.

- A gift?
- Yes.

Classification,
let's see, 2 sions.

- Yeah.
- Oh and 2 haveniths.

Estimated total value, $200.

As long as the little darlings
have a home I... did you say $200?

- Who said $200?
- Oh don't bother writing anymore.

No, this is a terrible
wrench to me.

I can't part with them.

- Take the cage.
- But Sergeant.

No I appreciate you wanting
to take them off my hands.

But I can't live
without the darlings.

I don't understand.

Look, try to see from my
viewpoint, it isn't the value...

what did you say they were worth?
- $200.

Take the cage! No, you've
been swell but I can't.

Take the cage.

Let me see,
Sandpiper, sapsucker...

I found it! I found it!

Look, there's one of
our pigeons, the sion!

"The sion, a breed of
homing pigeon developed

by a French pigeon
fancier, it's noted for...

Well, keep looking.

Look for the havenith
then we're in business.

Who's there?

- Doberman.
- Let him in.

Hey Sarge, here's the bird
seed you sent me out to buy.

Can I feed them now?

Are you sure this is good stuff?

It's the best they
had in the shop.

You can't be too sure.

Wish there's some
way I can make sure

this is the right
expensive stuff.

We got real... wait a second.

Oh Fender pride
of the quartermaster

your Sergeant wants
you here Fender.

See these birds you just
can't give them anything that...

What do you want Sarge?

Oh Fender, it's
true that you have

a very delicate
stomach, isn't it?

Oh you said it.

If the milk turns slightly
sour in the Mess Hall,

you're the first one to notice it.
- Please.

And if we have one over-ripe
apple in the applesauce,

what happens to you?
- I'm up all night.

Good. Here taste this.

- What is it?
- Bird seed.

- Bird seed?
- Hmm.

Sarge, with my stomach
that means suicide.

Look, we have to make sure.

If you can eat it, the
pigeons can eat it.

Come on, what's the big deal
with the pigeons all of a sudden?

Up to now, they've
been eating stale bread.

Hold your tongue, these
are not just dirty pigeons

that fly around in
front of libraries.

These are very expensive birds.

- Now taste it.
- Please Sarge.

I've given you
an order, taste it!

Well, as a steady diet,
I wouldn't care for it

but it's all right.

All right? It's delicious.

I bought a package for myself.

That's all we need,
you flying around here.

Come on! Feed
the birds, come on.

Roc keep... where are you going?

The water cups are
empty. I've got to fill them.

You just don't fill them
with ordinary water.

Whaddya tryin' to
do, kill my birds?

- Taste it.
- The water too?

Taste it!

Well?

Not bad, but I like
it a little warmer

with a little lemon in it.

All right, give it to the birds.

What's happening here?

Stick around because I
may need a food taster.

- So don't leave the barracks.
- Ernie! Ernie I found it!

There it is, the other
one, the haveniths,

rare, intelligent,
delicate, strikingly marked.

Perfect! Now we
gotta find a customer

and get rid of 'em,
get 'em off the post.

If the Colonel finds 'em
on the post, I'm sunk.

Look, there's nothing
to worry about.

There's a whole list of pigeon
collectors, here in the back,

Kansas, Kansas, Leavenworth,
Kansas. Here it is Roseville.

Hey there is one George
Baker Collingsworth Ill.

George Baker Collingsworth Ill?

That sounds like more
than a pigeon fancier to me.

This to me sounds like a pigeon.

- Is his address there?
- Yeah, right there.

Pack the birds,
we'll go there by bus

and we will come back by Jaguar.

Well, little angels goodbye.

I found you a new home
and you'll be very happy here.

And remember when
you're up there flying around

and you see me down there
driving the Jaguar, be careful.

Can I help you, Sir?

No thanks sonny, we're just
waiting to see your father?

Oh Gertrude said
you wanted to see me.

No, no. He's a cute little tyke.

Wait a minute; you're not
George Baker Collingsworth Ill,

are you?
- Yes Sir.

Figures, there goes the car.

Go on, do business with a kid.

Come on let's get
this out of here.

Look at these beautiful pigeons

and they're haveniths
and sions too.

- The kid knows, he knows.
- Boy, are they beauties!

Gee, I'd love to add
them to my collections.

I'm sorry son, we can't trade
stamps for valuable pigeons.

Oh just a minute,
just stay here.

Just a second, Father! Father!

George Il, it figures.

We've gone right to the top.

They are lovely,
aren't they son?

Yes, Georgie what is it?

Look father,
haveniths and sions.

Hey, they are beautiful birds.

- Yours Sergeant?
- Well, they don't have to be.

Oh please father, my
Birthday is next week.

Couldn't I have these
for my present now?

Well Georgie...

Oh Happy Birthday
little Georgie.

You are lucky boy to
have a fine Dad like this.

Well, all, all right. How
much are they Sergeant?

Well, there's the feeding,
the cost of housing,

and the nights I sat up with
them when they were sick,

of course that's just
sentimental value.

But, but I'll let
them go for $275.

But they're only $50
each in the catalogue.

Oh you do read the catalogue.

Well, you can't
convince a little boy

about sentiment, now can you?

Well, I'll let them go for $200
but it is a thrust to let them...

goodbye little friends
and I'll miss you.

And don't forget when you're
in here you behave yourself.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye little friends and
Georgie, keep them flying.

Nice to see you, bye.

Do you understand
what I'm talking about?

- Yeah, Sarge.
- You understand?

Will you hold it still so I
can mark the button holes?

Never mind the holes, I
want the shoulders full.

When I make the quick turns
in the Jaguar, I want freedom.

And you know those
seats are very low

when I'm down there
zooming along, I want freedom.

Will you take your
foot off the gas,

while I mark this
thing out for you?

One thing is very
important, the right sleeve.

I want it long.

When I have my arm
around the young lady,

I don't want any chilly
wrists, you understand that.

- This hand will be free of course.
- Yes.

Now, this coat must be rushed.

Why is it always
a rush with you?

Listen Sarge,
what's the big rush.

We haven't even got
the money for the car yet.

We're still 75 bucks short.

If I can only get a hold
of some more birds.

Never mind, make
an announcement,

"We're running a New
Year's Eve Dance."

But Sarge, that's
not for months yet.

So what? We'll say it's
the Chinese New Year.

Get out the Japanese Lanterns

and get me some prices
on chop suey in bulk.

Fender, let's look
at this in the sunlight.

- It's gotta be all right.
- Don't I wanna see.

- Yeah.
- Another dance!

Just like being in the
Army with Fred Astaire.

- Is this where he put the lanterns?
- The candles are in there.

The lanterns are under the...

The pigeons. They're back!

Of course they're back.
They're homing pigeons.

We've gotta tell Ernie.

Fender, no it doesn't
sing of the open road.

- It has no dash.
- It's the sun rays.

You'll never guess
what happened.

- What?
- Ten-shun!

- What's that?
- Sir?

Oh, oh, my, my Aunt
knitted this for me, Sir.

She's a wizard
with the needle, Sir.

Perhaps she could
make you one, Sir.

In nutmeg, oh can't you
see the Colonel in nutmeg?

His wife will be so pleased.

- Try it on for size, Sir.
- Never mind!

Bilko, I just dropped
by to make sure

that you got rid
of those pigeons.

Sir, you gave me an order
and that order was obeyed.

However, if the Colonel
would like to see for himself...

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Please, you’re still at attention.

I won't have laxity here.

Won't you go and
see for yourself Sir.

No, that'll be all, Bilko.

For once I know I
you're telling the truth.

Thank you, Sir.

And I don't think
you would wanna risk

being broken and sent
to, you know where.

Thank you, Sir.

All right, so what's
so important?

- Ernie! Ernie! They're back.
- Who's back?

- The pigeons are back!
- The pigeons are back?

Sure, they flew in
just after you left.

- The pigeons are back?
- They're homing pigeons.

They must have got
away from the kid.

Oh, we gotta get them
outta here before the Colonel

sees them and I'll become
Pvt. Bilko of the Yukon.

Come on!

- See?
- Oh they are.

Get the cage, we've
gotta deliver them again.

Here Fender, get rid of these.

- What will I do?
- I don't know, get rid of it!

Hurry! Hurry! They came
back to Daddy, didn't you?

Holy smokes the Colonel.
Alaska here I come.

- Hi Ernie.
- Oh it's you.

Hey Ernie, can I
borrow that jeep.

I've got a date with Gladys.

You know the rates,
10 cents a mile.

Fine, Gladys is worth it.

Come on let's get out of here.

Hey, are these the
pigeons you've been racing?

Shh! Quiet! Walls have ears.

Gee, I had pigeons
when I was a kid.

- They're pretty.
- They sure are.

I like to see that.

I like to see a man who likes
pigeons and for that reason,

you can have the
lot of them for $50.

- Yeah, but Ernie you know...
- I know!

I know Rocco.

But if I wanna sell the pigeons
at a loss, that's my business.

- What am I gonna do with pigeons?
- Use your imagination.

Come here, one
night, it's got to happen,

one night Gladys wakes
up from a deep dream.

Who is she dreaming about?
She's dreaming about you, Francis.

She wants you. She
longs for your lips.

- Gladys, dreaming of me.
- Yes.

Can she get in touch with you?

Do you have a
phone in the barracks?

No, but with these little
winged messengers of love,

a note hot, from her
feverish little hand

can reach you in 5
minutes. Is that worth $50?

Yes, yes, I'll take them.

All right, let's not keep
these lovers apart any longer.

Give the man his pigeons.
Wait I'll get the money.

Good they'll be waiting
for you in the jeep.

- Come on!
- Ernie, are you nuts?

You can't sell these
pigeons to Grover.

They belong to
little Georgie Ill.

And little Georgie
will have 'em back.

- Come on!
- Yeah, but, but how?

- How?
- They're like boomerangs.

The minute Gladys
opens the window,

they'll be back
here in 5 minutes

and then we can deliver
them to Georgie, come on!

Yeah but Ernie is that honest,

selling the same thing twice?

What are you, the
Better Business Bureau?

What?

- The pigeons got away?
- Really Georgie?

Well don't you worry son,
they're bound to fly back here

and when they do, I'll
get 'em right back to you.

You just trust the old, Sarge.
All right son, don't worry.

- See anything yet?
- Not yet, Sarge.

Gimme, gimme, gimmie.

Keep looking. They
can't be too far off.

Gladys is only 10
miles away from here.

All right keep looking.

See anything? Not a thing.

What are we looking for?

It's aircraft
identification hour, Sir.

And what did we see today men?

2 Piper Cubs, an F-80.

Yes, and there was a DC6,

a Constellation and
a guided missile.

It's been a lovely
day for spotting, Sir.

Thank you, Sir.

Now men, let's look
for vapor trailing.

Yes.

A guided missile?

Hey, Sarge, the
pigeons they're back.

The babies, they
came back to Daddy.

Hey one of them has got a note,

probably a love note
from Gladys to Grover.

Come here sweetheart,
give it to Daddy.

Oh this I've gotta read.

"Dear Francis, will you
please quit bothering me.

I never wanna see you
again. Sincerely Gladys Hinkel."

That's sweet, gets you
right in here, don't it?

Come on Ernie, let's get
the birds back to little Georgie.

Wait a minute, how close are we

to making that down
payment on the Jaguar?

We need another 25 bucks.

Well, the merchandise is
back. This store is open.

Let's look for a customer.

But Ernie, you can't
do that to the kid.

Look, little Georgie will
get his pigeons back.

Yeah, but by the time he
gets 'em, he'll be big Georgie.

Look, one more round
trip for the pigeons

and that Jaguar's gonna be ours.

You still got that
note from the Colonel

prohibiting the pigeons?

- Yes Sarge.
- I'm going over to see Ritzik.

- You come with me.
- Get the pigeons in the cage.

This will be
Operation Breathless.

- Do it like we did it.
- Yeah.

You come running in and...

- Come in.
- Ah, Rupert, I'm glad you're home.

This is your lucky day. I'm
gonna do something for you.

You'll be thanking me
for the rest of your life.

Oh it's you Bilko. Why
couldn't it be a burglar?

I love doing business with a
man that has a sense of humor.

You're not gonna do any
business with me, Bilko.

- Whatever it is, I'm not buying.
- You don't have to buy anything.

This is a gift, well
practically a gift.

- Uh huh.
- Now you see these pigeons,

I've been making 20 bucks a
week racing 'em, you know that.

- Yeah, so what?
- I'm gonna sell 'em to you for $100

in 1 month you'll
have your money back.

From then on, it's clear profit.

What's wrong with
them? Are they stuffed?

Stuffed, take a look at them,
lively, active, clear-eyed.

I ya, that's why I'm willing to
give 'em to you for 100 bucks.

Come on now! You get outta here.

Now wait a second.
Oh Ernie! Ernie!

I've been looking
all over for you.

This order just came
through from the Colonel

about the pigeons.
- I know! I know!

Why did you have to come here?

Oh, oh like I was saying,
I give you these pigeons...

Wait a minute, what was
that about those pigeons?

Nothing at all.
Oh I could kill you!

- I could kill you!
- Hey let me see that order.

- What order?
- Yeah, this order here.

So the Colonel made you
get rid of these pigeons.

You! You! Well, now you know.

I had to get them off the post.

That's why I'm willing
to sell them to you

for 100 bucks because
you live off the post.

Oh no, you don't.

You've gotta rid
of these pigeons

and you'll take
whatever you can get.

You had a do, you
came in with the...

All right, my back
is against the wall.

What are you
offering me for 'em?

$25, take it or leave it!

Well, I'm stuck! I
guess I'll have to take it.

Here's your $25.
Give me those pigeons.

- Well you drive a hard..
- Here are your pigeons.

And you thought you
could outsmart me!

But Gladys baby, why
haven't I heard from you?

Grover, will you
get off that phone.

It's for official business only.

This is official business!

What? You did send me a message?

Send another
little courier of love.

What? All the pigeons are gone?

Well I haven't seen 'em.

I'll look again
and call you back.

Hey Billie, would you
do me a big favour?

- Sure.
- Would you run off a few copies

of these on your
mimeograph machine?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

What's this? "Come
one! Come all!

Big Pigeon Race. "Yeah.

- What about a big pigeon race?
- Oh yeah, I got my own stable.

- Huh?
- Where did you get the pigeons?

Oh from Bilko.

Remember those 4 he
was racing, what a sucker!

I bought them for only $25.

You're lucky! It cost me 50.

- You got pigeons too?
- No.

- We got pigeons too!
- What are you talking about?

Fort Baxter headquarters.

No Sgt. Bilko isn't here,
who's calling please?

George Baker Collingsworth?

No I don't know anything
about the pigeons.

Pigeons? Give me that phone?

Hello, this is Sgt. Bilko's
best and dearest friend.

What was that about pigeons?

What? How much?
Why you poor kid.

I'll see that he
gets the message.

Hey what's going on?

Rupert, we got Bilko
just where we want him.

Before he sold us the birds,
he sold them to this kid for $200.

What a sucker. I only paid $25.

No Rupert, you don't understand,
Bilko hasn't the pigeons

to give back to this kid,

he's out $200 and
he's in big trouble.

- So?
- So...

Any sign of Bilko yet?

No, but they'll be
here any minute.

I better hide these pigeons.

I'll take them out back
where they can't see them.

Good, I can't wait
for them to get here.

This is one day that
Bilko will never forget.

Now let me see the
seating arrangements.

Let's see, Henshaw,
Rocco, Bilko, Bilko... pphh!

I've put the birds
on the back porch.

He'll never be
able to hear them.

I can't wait to see
the look on Bilko's face

when he thinks he's
eaten those pigeons.

Now, remember
Rupert, this is serious.

Here he is. Here's Bilko.

- Bilko... pphh!
- Rupert, hold yourself together.

- I guess...
- Hey Ernie, Roc. Henshaw.

Grover is here. Hey Rupert.

It's nice of you to
invite us over to dinner.

What's the occasion?
Oh no special occasion.

I just thought birds of a
feather should stick together.

Does he come out with
them? Does he come out?

Hey come on in boys, sit down.

- Here Ernie, here.
- Thank you.

Rocco sit over here.
You here Henshaw.

What a time we're gonna have.

- Get the soup for me, I'm starved.
- Me too.

- Uh Francis will you help me serve?
- Sure.

They're keeping house together.

Ernie, I don't get it.

First you sold the
pigeons to Grover.

Then you sold the
pigeons to Ritzik.

And they didn't
say a word about it.

Will you relax, the minute
Ritzik races those pigeons,

they'll come right
back to the barracks.

All right, food
time, we're ready.

Let's have it.

- Ooh, baby.
- Here you are Hensh.

Thanks Francis.

What is it Rupert?

Voila! Squabs no less.

Help yourselves boys, dig in!

Thank you. Thank
you. Eat hearty boys.

Thank you, Rupert.
Aren't you eating?

Yeah, as soon as
everybody gets served.

Ah, wait a minute,
there's only 4 of them.

- Yeah, that's all I had.
- 4?

Yeah but they're big
pigeons, ah squabs.

- Well, it's delicious.
- Put that down you cannibal.

Do you see what
happened? Why did you?

Shady Lady.

Oh, no he's got Shady
Lady, you got Wing Ding.

- Wing Ding?
- What's wrong?

Rupert, these birds
are sensational.

What did you? Uh you fiend, you!

Do you know what you'll
be called from now on?

The Mad Butcher of Fort Baxter.

If you're not gonna eat
your squab, I'll take it.

Don't do that to our birds.
Don't, let me out here.

I can't stand this. Ha, ha, ha,
ha. Oh did he fall for it. Ha, ha!

Hey, hey, what do we do now?

Listen, is your friend
Frank still in company D?

- Yeah.
- You're sure Bilko never met him?

- I'm sure.
- Good.

I'm gonna get the
pigeons off the back porch

and we're gonna
pay Frank a little visit.

Bilko's right in there.

Now remember the deal,
don't take less than I told you.

Good luck.

Poor Georgie.

How am I gonna tell
him that those 2 rats

Grover and Ritzik
ate his pigeons.

Well, you're gonna have
to tell him something.

How? How can you
face him... come in!

How can you tell a little kid...

Sgt. Bilko, I'm Frank
Bishop Company D.

Yeah.

I understand you had
some pigeons here.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- See, I've got a problem.

I got these pigeons and
I have to get rid of them

because of the Colonel's orders.

Oh, are they good pigeons?

Oh they're very good pigeons,
2 haveniths and 2 sions.

Haveniths and sions.

So if you just tell
me about the deal..

Oh it's a cinch; I was
going down to visit mine.

They're at the
zoo. I'll take yours...

Never mind, I'll take
them down there myself.

You don't understand
pal, it's no trouble at all.

I'll take them down right now.

I don't wanna put
you to any trouble, Sir.

Now look, I'm so crazy
about taking them down,

I'll pay you for them.

- How much?
- $5.

$5?

- What do you think is fair?
- $275.

Two hundred, are you kidding?

All right, give him the money.

- Sarge.
- Give him the money!

But Ernie, what
about the Jaguar?

What about little Georgie, huh?

Would you like to
face little Georgie?

Here. Here's ya money ya thief.

Sergeant did you
find my pigeons?

Georgie, I got a
surprise for you.

There they are. Look
father, it's my pigeons!

My very own
pigeons, they are back.

George! George!
Georgie, in all fairness,

I must tell you, they're
not the same pigeons,

but they are
haveniths and sions.

But they are the ones I bought.

I can tell them
by their markings.

No, he, he's so excited.

Look, there is Wing
Ding with a scratch.

That's Shady Lady
with the top, that head.

- Where's Shady Lady?
- Right there.

By George, he's right.

There's Wing Ding,
I didn't look closely.

It is them! They're all right.

They weren't eaten...
Oh that Grover and Ritzik.

I'll kill them! I'll kill them!

Due to circumstances
beyond my control,

there'll be a postponement
this year for the Jaguar.

However, the manufacturers
assure me that next year's Jaguars

will be much better
and believe me,

they'll be worthwhile
waiting for...

You always say that! Always!

Hey, what are you
guys made up for?

Just dropped by to say hello.

Yeah we wanna
invite you to dinner.

We're gonna have squab.

Come Rupert, we mustn't
keep Gladys waiting.

Ta-ta.

There they go,
Katzenjammer Kids!

Sarge, what was
that with the squabs?

Sarge, they're
getting into our Jaguar.

What? You're kidding!

That's it. Nothing
else can happen to me.

Sarge, when your luck gets
this bad, it just has to change.

- Brass coming.
- Ten-shun!

- At ease.
- Thank you, Sir.

Bilko, some boy has been
calling my office about pigeons.

- Are those pigeons still here?
- Oh no, Sir.

I've straightened the matter
out with the young boy, Sir.

If you don't mind,
I'll look for myself.

Oh please do, Sir.

But of course, Sir, look
to your heart's content.

The box the birds were kept
in is at the window sill, Sir.

All right Bilko, I'm satisfied.

Thank you, Sir.

Now once and for all we're
rid of those ugly suspicions,

aren't we Sir?

- What was that?
- What was what, Sir?

No I didn't hear.
Did you hear 'em?

I didn't hear. Quiet!

Thank heavens it's over, Sir.

At this rate it will
be off my mind,

something I should have
done at the beginning.

Tell you everything, Sir.

I know it looks black for
me, but with the compassion

that you are noted for, Sir.

I know you will understand
what happened to me.

It's a misadventure, Sir.

In my yearning to do
good, I ensnared myself

in a series of bets I
couldn't get myself out of, Sir.

There was Ritzik
and Grover, Sir.

They were concerned
innocently of course Sir,

in their boyish prank, they
involved me in a series of events

I couldn't tear myself.

And so now, here I am forced
to humbly beg your forgiveness,

Sir, for something I
never intended to...

Pvt. Bilko of the
Yukon reporting, Sir.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Ralph Dunn as Mr. Huggins.

George Clark as Frank.

Pug Flanagan as
George Collingsworth Ill.

Philip Faversham as
George Collingsworth Il.

And Bob Hastings
as Lt. Anderson.