The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 18 - Bilko's Cousin - full transcript

There, there, Julia.

The boy isn't
leaving us for good.

He's only going into the Army.

But he's never been
away from home before.

All birds have
to leave the nest.

He'll be fine.

He should be here any
minute. It's almost train time.

Train time, taking him
into that big world out there.

Oh there, Julia. Isn't it lucky?

He's being sent to Fort Baxter

and that's where
his cousin Ernie is.



Cousin Ernie Bilko.

Oh he was always
such a darling boy.

- I feel better already.
- Well, good.

Now the minute Swifty gets
on that train, I'll wire Ernie.

Yes. I wonder what's
keeping Swifty?

- He oughta be here by...
- Here I am folks.

Oh what's, where
have you been at?

I'm sorry I'm late. I had
to say my goodbyes.

What goodbyes? We're all here.

Well, I said goodbye to my rabbit,
and my chicken, and my horse.

Oh shucks Poppa
will you do me a favor?

- Now what is it?
- Say goodbye to my girl.

Oh yes, yes, yes. Now
Swifty, here's your ticket.

When the conductor comes
you make sure you give it...



oh never mind.

Oh, oh, I gotta go now.

Now, now Swifty, I hope you

aren't going to be
unhappy in the Army.

Well, if I am Momma, I'll
just quit and come on home.

He's going to
be all right, Julia.

Now Swifty when
you get to Fort Baxter,

you just do everything
your cousin Ernie tells you to.

He's been in the
Army a long time.

Well, there's
your train, now go.

Bye. Bye Mom.

Look at them, my helpers!

My right hand men, do you
know what the take was last week?

- $4.32.
- Don't mumble, speak clearly.

- I wanna hear those figures.
- $4.32.

$4.32, we spent more money
on corn for the Bingo Games!

What kind of a
business are we running,

everything going out,
nothing coming in?

- We're sorry, Sarge.
- Sorry isn't enough!

You've gotta... what's
with you Rocco?

You're letting the bottom fall
out of my car rental business.

I'm sorry Sarge, but the Colonel

used the staff car this weekend.

He did?

You know I don't let the
Colonel use his car on weekends.

- What is...
- We're doing the best we can.

The best ain't good enough.

Oh what's the use
some of us have got it,

some of us haven't got it.

And you guys haven't got
it or else I'd be getting it.

Now get out of here!

Telegram for you, Sarge.

A telegram?

- Can they wire subpoenas?
- I don't think so.

Open up, it may be
from somebody you know.

- Did it come collect?
- No.

It can't be from anybody I know.

Let me see. What do you know?

- What is it, Sarge?
- It's from my Uncle Fred.

It says, "Your cousin
Swifty has joined the Army,

will arrive at Fort
Baxter this afternoon.

Signed Uncle Fred.

Another Bilko in Fort Baxter?

Swifty, old enough
to join the Army.

The last time I saw him,
he was only 4 years old.

Another Bilko at Fort
Baxter another Bilko

but with the brilliance
and cunning of youth.

A chip off the old block,

it's like having
another pair of hands.

Now I'll really be
able to operate.

Together, we'll build an empire.

Today Fort Baxter
tomorrow who knows?

Come in. Ah good
morning Lieutenant.

Good morning, Sir.
You look very fit today.

I feel fit. It's a
beautiful day.

The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.

It's good to be alive.

Here are the special
orders on the new recruits

coming to camp today, Sir.

Ah that's what we need in
this camp, some new blood.

Let's see, Andrews,
Roberts, Cianelli,

Cooper, Simmons,
Bilko, Donovan, Snyder.

Bilko? Lieutenant,
what's that name?

- Tell me I'm wrong.
- Bilko, Pvt. Swiffington Bilko.

It's just a coincidence,
probably not related at all.

In some parts of the country,

the name Bilko must be just
as common as Smith or Jones.

Isn't that right, Lieutenant?

I'm sorry, Sir I
checked, it's his cousin.

Another Bilko?

And they say lightning
doesn't strike twice!

Hey Fender you've
got some string?

Don't bother me now.

I've got my hands
full with this mattress.

I've got my money sewed up in
here before Bilko's cousin comes.

Another Bilko the
camp won't be safe.

What do you mean the
camp? The world won't be safe.

I hope I get this box to the
Post Office before it closes.

I wanna send
everything I got home.

That's a good idea.

Well, I've got nothing
to worry about.

I'd like to see Bilko's
cousin find it now.

What did you do?

I buried my money under
second base on the ball field.

On the ball field?

That's where they
drill the new recruits.

I'll be back.

Hey Doberman, what
are you just sitting for?

Aren't you gonna
hide your money?

- I did.
- You did?

- Where did you hide it?
- In my shoe.

In his shoe? But that's no good.

The first time he changes
his socks what am I saying?

Sarge, a new cot in your room?

Of course, you don't think
I'm gonna have my cousin

sleeping out here
with you riff-raff do yah?

What is this? You
running a rummage sale?

Why don't you get
your locker neat?

Hey Fender, I got it.

I hid my money under the sink
and I don't think anybody's...

Oh, oh, now get a
mattress for that cot.

Don't get me a
crummy one like this.

Get me a Sealy, an Air Foam.

I don't want... Fender,

you should know by
now there's a better place

to hide your money than that.

Sarge, Sarge, the
new recruits are here.

I'm too late. Swifty is here!

From now on, it's
Bilko and Bilko.

Come on in men, on the double!

All right, this is
your way home...

All right, all right.
Look alive men!

Welcome men, at ease.

Oh this is a historic
moment face to face

with my cousin
Swifty, I see him there.

I'd recognize him any place.

Hello Swifty boy. This is
your cousin Ernie baby!

It's not Swifty, Sir.
It's Pvt. Donald Worth.

Oh yeah, I should have know,
he hasn't got that Bilko chin.

There's a distinct, I see him!

I see him, right ahead of the
line where he figures to be.

Look at those broad shoulders.
Look at that ramrod posture!

- How are you Swifty boy?
- Pvt. Walter Novotny, Sir.

I'm sorry old man.

All right, all right,
Swifty, jokes over.

Come on and say hello
to your Cousin Ernie.

All right, now which one
of you guys is Swifty Bilko?

Come on, make yourself known.

Maybe he didn't get here.

Could anybody tell me where I
can find my Cousin Ernie Bilko?

And there he is, there he
is the young lion is here.

How are you
Swifty? This is Ernie.

How are you son? We've
been waiting for you.

Where were yah?

Well, we had to go for
our medical checkup.

That psychiatrist kept
me longer than anybody.

Does he always ask
so many questions?

It figures, that Bilko mind,
it fascinates everybody.

Come on son, I'm gonna
show you your new home.

All right, you men, dismissed.

Fender, show
them to their bunks.

Come on in son.

Come on little cousin.

Well, this is it.
What do you think?

Oh this here is a swell room.

This is better than
the one I got at home.

Let me tell you
something, the room isn't

the only thing you're
gonna share with me.

We're gonna share
everything else.

Well, that's really nice
of you, Cousin Ernie.

From now on, this is
gonna be a 2 man operation.

Naturally you have plans. Plans?

Oh you can talk in front of
Rocco and Hensh, they are friends.

Friends? I'm right glad
to meet you fellows!

Hi. Do you all play checkers?

Checkers? Oh cut
it out will you Swifty.

These aren't the chumps.

Oh he's giving you the come on

Oh what a kid, he don't miss
a trick, a natural born ringer.

Hey Sarge, if Swifty is
anxious for a little action.

Let's take him right
over to the dayroom.

Sure, they're having a
regular Saturday afternoon

poker game over there.

Why not, we'll
start from the top.

The chumps are
ready. How about it?

Would you like to
loosen up a little?

Oh those eager
Bilko fingers. Let's go.

I got 3 Kings,
read 'em and weep.

You weep, I got a Flush.

That beats me.
That's enough for me.

Come on, we still
got a game going.

Let's go, okay we got 4 heads.

My, my, there's a nice
little gathering here.

Well what do you
know, a poker game.

Beat it Bilko, this poker game
is according to NBA rules.

What do you mean NBA?

No Bilko Allowed.

We mean it Bilko,
you're not getting in.

Who wants in?

It isn't wrong for one of my
new recruits to play though, is it?

As long as it's not you
Bilko, grab a chair kid.

- Deal him in.
- Sit down Swifty.

- How do you play the game?
- You put your money up kid.

We're playing 50 and
a dollar table stakes.

- Ya'll playing for money?
- Don't overdo it kid.

Well, I didn't bring
no money with me.

Here, here, use mine. It's
all right if he uses my money?

That's so much the better.

There you are.

All right ante up.

- Here's my 50 cents.
- Here's my 50 cents.

- Here's my 50 cents.
- Here's my 50 cents.

I open for a dollar.

I'm in.

How many cards do you want?

- I'll take 3.
- 1, 2, 3.

- Oh, I'll just keep these.
- Oh, I'll just keep these.

- Come on Bilko, no coach.
- Oh shut up!

Okay, show them
no mercy, Swifty.

- Go get them.
- I bet a buck.

I raise.

I raise.

- I raise you.
- I raise you.

- I raise you.
- I raise you.

Just a second. Boy I'm out.

I sure thought a straight
would win this pot.

Attaboy, Swifty.

You win! Get!

Wait minute, all he had
was a pair of deuces.

He bluffed Grover
with a pair of deuces.

Boy what a poker player.

That's the first
time I ever played.

Oh sure, sure. Well,
thanks a lot, fellows.

We'll do it again sometime.

Wait a minute. You're
not quitting now.

You mean this
game ain't over yet?

Boy, as long as they
got money, we play.

Stay with 'em Swifty boy.

Next time you
better have it kid.

I open for a dollar.

- I'm out.
- I'm out.

How many cards, Grover?

- I'll take 3 cards.
- 3.

How about you, kid?

- I'll take 3 cards.
- 3 cards.

He threw away 3 aces.

Keep your hands off the table.

These cards are dead.

Swifty, what are you doing?

You threw away 3 aces.

Is that what those were?

You mean you don't?

You don't... you actually...
you never played?

I'll bet all I've got.

- I'll bet all I've got.
- No, no.

Drop out!

Don't worry I'm
just bluffing again.

I got 3 tens. What
have you got kid?

I got a black 6 and
a black 4, a red 7,

and here's a pretty lady.

He threw away 3 aces.

3 aces he threw away!

Look Ernie, he's young.

He just got in.

He'll learn. Sure, Sarge.

How old were you when
you learnt how to play poker?

3. But then I was
a child prodigy.

Look, you really think
there's hope for Swifty?

Sure. I bet Einstein
never played poker.

Yeah, now look,
he could be a genius

but just be a lousy card player.

Sure. We never
gave Swifty a chance.

Let's find him and talk to him.

And notice the excellent
workmanship of this rifle and feel

how comfortably it rests
against your shoulder.

And it's all yours for $20.

Well, I thought the
Army give me a gun.

A natural mistake.
That's only in time of war.

In time of peace you
buy your own rifle.

Well, how about that.
But gee, I ain't got $20.

I done bought a gas
mask from Fender,

and a canteen from Zimmerman.

- Well, how much do you have?
- Ah $10.

$10? For a beautiful
rifle like this?

Well, after all you
are Ernie's cousin

and Ernie and I
are sorta partners.

So call me foolish,
and take it for $10.

Oh boy, my own rifle.

- Hey partner.
- Don't get sore, Sarge.

Everybody else
had a crack at him.

Give me that gun.

Get this back to the
supply room, on the double.

On the double!

How dumb can you
be, buying a rifle for $10.

Doberman's the one that's dumb.

I told him I only had
$10 and I really had $20.

The brain works like this.

How he got in my
family I don't know.

Somebody must have goofed.

Look, go guard the furnace room.

- It's right over there.
- Okay Sergeant.

- Will I need a gun?
- No, no, go on!

Go on! Go on!

Sarge, why guard
the furnace room?

- Nobody ever goes there.
- That's the idea.

But Ernie, you can't keep
him in the furnace room

for his whole hitch.

Look, I've got to get him out
of the Army for his own sake.

You're gonna get
him out of the Army?

I've gotta get him out before
the enemy finds out he's in.

How are you gonna do it?

Wait a minute, we don't
have to get him out at all.

Well, what are
you gonna do then?

I'll fix it so guys like
Grover and Ritzik

can't get him into a card game.

Guys like Doberman
can't sell him things.

I'll put him in a place where
he'll be absolutely safe.

How? I'll make him an officer.

I don't understand
it Lt. Wilson.

According to this report,

everything is very
quiet in the camp.

Yes, Sir, they all seem to
be behaving themselves.

Lieutenant, that's impossible
with 2 Bilkos on the post.

It's too quiet.

Gen. Custer must
have felt this way

just before Sitting Bull struck.

But Sir, are you
expecting trouble?

Yes, don't relax a
moment Lieutenant.

- That'll be all.
- Yes, Sir.

Well, the camp is still here.

Come in.

I've been expecting you, Bilko.

You have, Sir?

Yes, now get to
the point right away.

Oh Sir, it's nothing for myself.

It's just that I've been reading
the noncom’s handbook

and I discovered I've been
remiss in one of my duties, Sir.

You've been reading
a noncom handbook?

Why, did you have a bet on
how long it would take you?

Oh, the Colonel
is full of fun today.

No Sir, in reading
it over, I discovered

that it's a Sergeant's
responsibility

to recognize potential
leaders amongst his men, Sir.

Cut it short, Bilko.
What's in it for you?

Really Sir, I am hurt.
Thank you very much.

- Bilko wait!
- My Colonel called?

What did you wanna tell me?

Well, Sir, I discovered
that one of my men

has displayed outstanding
qualities of leadership

and if I may say so Sir
he'd be ideal Officer material.

Well that's very
commendable of you Bilko.

- Who is it?
- Oh, one of the new recruits.

A fine young man a
strapping character,

a young man named Pvt.
Swiffington Bilko, Sir, and I thought...

So that's it, your cousin.

Sir, you're pale. What's wrong?

I see through
your scheme, Bilko.

You've taken over
the enlisted men

and now you want him
to take over the Officers.

Oh Sir.

Between the 2 of you,
you'll milk the Army dry.

If that isn't the fairest
thing you've ever said.

Besides, the quota at Officer's
Candidate School is full.

The only way he could get in is
on my personal recommendation.

Oh then Sir, you'll write
of your own testimonial?

Bilko, I don't think you realize

what it takes to
make an Officer.

He must be intelligent,
self-sacrificing, stern,

but understanding and above
all, in perfect physical condition,

trim, lean, hard as nails.

Well Sir, then you
know my cousin.

You've just described
him to a T, Sir.

If you don't mind Bilko, I
will make my own decisions

on whom I recommend for OCS.

Oh, I'm so glad to
hear you say that, Sir.

I wouldn't have
it any other way.

Thank you very much, Sir.

Honest, courageous,
perfect physical condition.

Give me the other glove.

But Cousin Ernie, I
never hit nobody in my life.

I don't know how to box.

Would you relax, just
listen to your cousin Ernie.

But Cousin Ernie...

Now look, you wanna
be an officer, don't you?

Yeah, tell me again
about bein' an Officer.

All right, you get to
ride a big white horse.

You wear shiny new boots, okay?

And I get to be
in all the parades

and all the girls'll
be cheering for me

and I'll go back to Valley
Falls to show 'em all my medals.

- Yeah.
- I will get medals, won't I?

Oh you'll have medals with
oak leaves and clusters on 'em.

Why can't I be an Officer?
I've been here longer than him.

Oh shut up! Sarge,
the Colonel is coming.

All right, you guys
all know what to do.

Tiger you're up.

Now you... tiger! Tiger!
You're on, come on!

- And the winner!
- Yaaay!

Swifty! What's going on here?

Isn't that Tiger Schultz,
our heavyweight champion?

I'm surprised you can
still recognize him, Sir.

Are you all right, Tiger?

On thank heavens,
he's still breathing.

- What happened?
- Get him to the infirmary quickly

while there's still a
chance to save his feet.

Oh I begged him not to
put on the gloves with Swifty.

Oh you fiend, why didn't
you take it easy with him.

He knocked out the Tiger?

Yes. I pleaded with him.

I said, Swifty,
pull your punches.

- I didn't even hit him.
- Oh he didn't hit him.

He doesn't know
his own strength.

Look at his
rapier-like hands, Sir.

He knocked out the Tiger?

Well, when do I box?

Oh get the gloves off
before he gets killed.

Okay, you already practiced.

Now you know what to do
when the Colonel gets here.

Hey Ernie! Ernie, here
comes the Colonel.

Come on fellas
I'm surprised at you.

One little jeep
and you can't fix it.

Bilko, why isn't my jeep ready?

I can't understand it, Sir.

We've been working
at it all morning.

Paparelli, did you
check the spark plugs?

They're perfect, Sergeant.

Fender, how about the fuel pump?

Sarge, I took it apart and
put it back together again.

Well? It's in perfect order.

Sir, we're completely baffled

I've been working
on it all morning.

I've gotta be at Corps
Headquarters in half an hour.

I know Sir.

Oh Swifty, did you
check the motor?

No, Sarge. Will you
check the carburetor?

- Okay, where is it?
- Oh stop joking.

The Colonel needs
his car, come on!

Yaay!

This boy has golden hands, Sir.

- Very impressive.
- Thank you, Sir.

I've been working in
Motor Pools for 15 years.

This boy knows more about
motors than anybody I've ever seen.

Happy motoring, Sir!

Come in.

- Morning reports, Sir.
- Thank you.

And Sir, would you
mind signing this?

It's permission for Pvt. Bilko

to use the rifle range
over the weekend.

You mean he wants to practice
shooting on his own time?

It's his own idea, Sir.

Heaven knows why,
the last time he shot,

he had a perfect score.

Well I must say, Bilko, he does
seem to be an unusual soldier.

You know what they say, Sir,

an unusual soldier
makes an unusual officer.

Yes, yes I know.

I'm very impressed with
what I've seen in Pvt. Bilko.

Well, so then you'll
sign the recommendation

for officer's
training school, Sir?

Not so fast, Bilko.

There's more to being an Officer

than I've seen in Pvt. Bilko.

Can he exert authority over men?

Has he the ability
to command troops?

Command troops?

You're right Sir we
mustn't overlook a detail.

Thank you, Sir.

Now Swifty, will
you listen to me,

you wanna be an
officer, don't you?

Well, you've gotta
give your men orders.

Well, I don't know how
to give anybody orders.

I can't even make my
dog give me his paw.

Now look, you wanna look
nice when you're on that

white horse and those shiny
boots, leading your men on parade?

Will it look nice when the
men don't know where to go

because you don't
tell them what to do?

- Well, I never thought of that.
- And it's very simple.

All you have to do if you
want them to come to attention,

you say ten-shun!

You want them to march,
you say forward march,

if you want them to halt,
you say company halt 1, 2.

It's very simple.
That's all there is to it?

I'll show you.

All right men,

- You got it?
- No.

It's simple. Go on, try it!

Now with authority,
give them orders.

Here they are.

- Hold, hold it!
- Why didn't they move?

They can't understand
a word you're saying.

You have no diction.

Now be like an Officer,
think like an Officer.

Speak precisely,
clearly say ten-shun!

No, get it out of
there, say Tah!

And get it through
here, through here loose!

Tee ah. Tee ah.

Get that in and
breathe. Up! Up! Up!

Ten-shun! All right.

Up! Up! That's it.

Hold it up in here
and say ten-shun.

Don't look here, get it loose.

Up! Up!

Now you got that? Yeah.

Let's hear it with authority.

What happened?
You said, "dismissed!"

- I did?
- Oh it's no use, Ernie.

He'll never learn.

He'll never convince the
Colonel he can command men.

You mean I don't get to ride
no white horse in a parade?

Ride in a parade?

You're lucky if they let
you watch the parade.

Parade, wait a minute, hey,

remember that veteran's
parade last year in Roseville?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

If you're thinking
what I'm thinking.

Cousin Ernie you
know what I think?

You don't have to think.
You're gonna be an officer!

Are you guys all set? Check.

Remember what I told
you. You keep going.

Pay no attention what
the kid does, right?

Got you. All right.

- Ernie, here he is.
- Ah, are you all set.

I wasn't able to learn all
them commands Cousin Ernie.

Oh don't worry.
You can't miss this.

Do what, you heard me do it.

Let me hear you do it. Bah.

That's great.

Now look, the Colonel
should be passing here

on his way to his office.

Every time around
this... oops, right on time.

All right fellows,
lower your helmets

so he don't recognize you.

How are you doing, Sir?

I was just watching Swifty
putting his men through the drill.

It's quite wonderful to watch.

Swifty, drill your men.

He's pretty good
at it, isn't he Sir?

Amazing!

I haven't seen anything
like this since West Point.

He does wonderful
with them doesn't he Sir?

Fantastic!

And he's only been
in the Army 2 weeks.

Have that man over in
my office in a half hour.

I'm gonna see that he goes
to Officer's Candidate School!

Thank you, Sir.

Ernie! You did it! You did it!

We've gotta get
you over... hold it!

We've gotta get you over to
the Colonel's office right away.

- Come on!
- But I'm drilling the men!

No, no, no that will
wait. We're in a hurry.

- Come on!
- Then I better dismiss them Ernie.

No, no, they'll run down
by themselves, come on.

I tell you, this Pvt.
Bilko is a born soldier,

natural Officer material.

You sound very
high on him, Colonel.

I am. As a matter of fact,

I've asked Gen. Adcock
to drop in and see him.

- The Corps Commander?
- Yes.

He's visiting the camp today.

And as you know, he's a bug
on men coming up from the ranks.

Well, I think I have
a surprise for him.

Come in.

Here he is, Sir. At ease.

Gentlemen, this is Pvt. Bilko.

Young man, I've been
watching you very closely

and I'm very pleased
with what I've seen.

- Thank the Colonel.
- Thank you, Sir.

Well, the board is
entirely cognizant

of your mechanical
ability, your physical fitness

and your capacity to lead men.

We're not worried
about your ability.

However, there is one
question I always ask,

Pvt. Bilko, why do you
want to be an officer?

Because I wanna
ride a big white horse

and wear shiny black
boots and medals.

Now, Sir, I'm sure one week
at OCS will straighten him out.

Quiet! He's never going to OCS.

But Bilko, I'll tell you
what's gonna happen to you.

But Col. Hall, what
about Gen. Adcock?

He's on his way here
just to meet Pvt. Bilko.

Yes, the General.

If he sees him after
the way I built him up,

no matter what happens
he must never see him.

But Sir, as long as
he's on the camp,

the General is bound
to run into him, Sir.

That's right.

Well, I'll have him
transferred to some other outfit.

May I suggest a place where
there are no other soldiers, Sir?

Don't be ridiculous, Bilko.

But Sir, Gen.
Adcock, no offense,

but isn't he the one we
referred to as Old Nosey?

That's right, Sir.

I mean, the General
does get around, Sir.

There's that opening on
Mount Wilson, Colonel,

for a weather observer.

They drop supplies by plane.

Young Bilko will be
all alone for a year.

Oh I'm sure he'll love
that, wouldn't you Swifty?

Oh he thinks it's splendid.

Take him out to the air field.

I'll have him transferred
to Mt. Wilson immediately.

Yes, Sir. Ten-shun!

Gen. Adcock,
delighted to see you.

I'm very busy I
have only a minute

but you were so enthusiastic
about this OCS candidate Bilko

that I just had to meet him.

Officer, candidate
Bilko reporting, Sir.

Well, I can't tell you how
happy it makes me to see a man

come up from the ranks
and become an Officer.

Thank you, Sir.

Sgt. Bilko, there's one
question I always ask,

why do you want to
become an Officer?

Well, Sir, since I've
been at Fort Baxter,

it's been my privilege
to observe Col. Hall,

who in my opinion
is as fine an Officer,

and a gentleman, any
one could ever ask for.

If I may say so, Sir,
it's made me aspire

- to better myself in the Army.
- Now, Bilko...

Please, Colonel, you've
always been my inspiration.

An excellent choice,
I'll be seeing you.

Yes, no doubt, we'll
run into each other

at the Officers Club, Sir.

And who is this, another
candidate for OCS?

- I was but...
- Well, he changed his mind, Sir.

He's accepted a
special assignment.

I'm about to escort
him to the airport, Sir.

I see, well carry on.

I told you, you've got nothing
to worry about with Bilko around.

Colonel up at Mount Wilson,
do they have parades?

Hey Sarge, have you
heard from Swifty lately?

Swifty, boy what a
character he was.

Yeah, sure.

I got a letter only yesterday
from Mount Wilson.

How does he like it
up there? Is he lonely?

Well, he's got
plenty of company,

mountain goats, eagles,
Saint Bernards dogs.

Hey Sarge, how
did you ever get out

of going to Officers
Candidate School?

A cinch, I flunked the physical.
I took it without my glasses.

Pardon me fellas. Yeah.

I just got transferred
to this camp.

Anybody know where
I can find Swifty Bilko?

Oh he was shipped out to
Mount Wilson some time ago.

Can I do anything
for you, I'm Sgt. Bilko.

Sgt. Bilko? Then
you're my cousin Ernie.

What? I'm Swifty's
brother, Clem.

- Oh no.
- Yeah.

Hey a card game.
Do you mind if I sit in?

All right now, what'll it be
fellas, a little action here,

a little one eyed jacks,
aces wild, spit in the ocean.

Ah, this is the real Bilko.

Together we'll
conquer the world.

How's my...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Dick van Dyke as Swifty.

Truman Smith as Uncle Fred.

Catherine Payne as Aunt Julia.

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Bob Hastings as the Lieutenant.

And Howard Wierum
as Gen. Adcock.