The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 15 - Bilko and the Colonel's Secretary - full transcript

(barking orders)

Does anybody know
where the Form 20s are?

I don't know, Sylvia
always took care of that.

And she had to be transferred.

When's the Colonel
getting a new secretary?

I can't find anything.

Personnel just sent over
this list of names and records

but I haven't had
time to look at it yet.

She can't get here too soon
for me, everything is a mess.

I've never seen so
much work in all my life.

Oh, we've stumbled into
the wrong place gentlemen.



This must be
backstage at the Follies.

Aren't they lovely?

Look who's here girls,
Mr. Phony Baloney.

Phony Baloney,
did you hear that?

Isn't that a good one?
Phony Baloney, clever, clever!

She must have been mingling
with the Noel Coward set again.

Look, if you're hustling
pandas, I don't want any.

Do you mind?
This is not for sale.

It's a gift for the fair Sylvia.

Will you please tell
here Ernie is here?

Oh another present for
the Colonel's secretary.

Let's see, last week when you
gave her the bottle of Arpege

it was for you and your platoon
to get you out of bivouac..

Well, Sylvia is
very understanding.



She understood instinctively
we're not the outdoor type.

And now a panda, what
do you want this time,

a discharge from the Army?

I'd rather not
discuss this with you.

Would you just
get Sylvia please?

Where's Sylvia?

Where is she, Sylvia!

You'll have to sing a little
louder if you want her to hear you.

She's in Washington.
- Washington?

If she's testifying against
me, I'll deny everything.

They can't prove
it. I have witnesses.

Don't worry Jesse James.

She was transferred
to administration school.

Administration? Sylvia?

Hmm, oh Edna, you
might as well have this.

I know it's not regulation but
It'll look lovely on your bed.

Thanks.

I suppose now
that Sylvia is gone,

you'll be the Colonel's
new right-hand girl.

No.

Well you don't want this
dust-catcher in your room.

Which one of you
American beauties

will be the Colonel's
new secretary?

None of us, the Colonel's
new secretary is in this envelope

and when I pick her Bilko,

I'll pick her for the
Colonel, not for you.

Oh I see, I do hope
she's co-operative.

Why don't we just look at the...

- Stop that.
- Edna that's no...

Sarge, you know that
new jeep that just...

Doberman, what
are you doing here?

Now Hollywood is
kind enough to send us

one of its brightest stars
and I gave you an assignment

to drive him around.

Now you don't expect
Cary Grant to drive

the jeep by himself, now do you?

You mean Cary Grant is here?

Of course. Didn't you know? He's
over at the PX, did you see him, Hensh?

Sure, he's hopping around
out there yelling, Judy!

- Judy! Judy!
- Cary Grant ah?

Cary Grant here!

Hey here, you watch the door,

let me know the
minute they come back.

Well, Edna is gone.

The least we can do is help
her pick out the new secretary.

Sarge, you can't do that.
That's marked private.

What am I doing? I'm
looking for a private secretary.

Jerk, don't you understand?

Our way of life is
being threatened.

Oh you mean we've gotta
get somebody we can trust,

somebody who'll misplace
the K.P. assignment.

Yeah, a nice friendly type

that keeps our names
off the duty rosters.

Now you're thinking.
They're all cute.

Look at these
pictures, all pretty girls.

Let's see now, we've gotta
choose one that will help us.

Helen Wilkins, in the
Army 3 months, nah,

she'll be too eager to make
good. We don't want her.

Louise Jones, married
3 times, no, bitter!

Bitter! We don't want that.

Marion Wicksome,
in the Army 10 years,

uh-uh, probably
knows all about me.

- Sarge, what about this one?
- Blanche Ripley?

Pretty good, right age, right
amount of time in the Army.

- Look at this, pleasant face.
- Yeah.

Presently stationed
at Camp Miller,

this is the one for us, boys.

Yeah but Ernie, how are you
gonna be sure Edna will pick her?

You don't understand about
women at all, do you Hensh?

- Doberman, front and centre, on the
double hi-yup!
- Yeah Sarge?

You still got your sister's
picture in ya wallet?

Yeah, but you told me
to take it off the wall.

Give me the picture.

But Sarge, you said you
never Wanted to look at it again.

This is an emergency.
Give it to me. Yeuch!

No offense Doberman she's a
lovely girl. Here hold this picture.

Wait till Edna sees this.

You know what they say, 1
picture is worth a 1000 words,

well this picture
will speak volumes.

- But I still don't get it, Ernie.
- Look...

Sarge, Sarge, the
girls are coming back.

You'll get it. You'll get it.

Blanche Ripley,
welcome to Fort Baxter.

Move! Move! Spread out!

Hey Bilko, what's the idea of
telling us Cary Grant was here?

Cary Grant? Who's...

I said Harry Grant, a
well known stuntman.

My diction, I must practice it.

Well, let's leave these
young ladies to their work,

especially you Edna, you
have a large responsibility,

picking the Colonel's secretary.

Let me worry about that.

I must say I
admire your attitude.

What attitude?

Oh there's no avarice
in you, none at all.

Here is the
competition on the post,

3 girls for every guy,
does that bother her?

Not good old Edna,
she's one of the boys.

Give her a good book to
cuddle up with and she's all set.

Will you get out of here,
Bilko! I've got work to do.

Do me a favor, sugar, pick
a pretty one for Ernie, huh!

Oh.

Oh well, is Harry
Grant Still there,

he's gonna jump off a building.

3 girls to every man?

Hey girls, you
can tell the Colonel

I just picked his new secretary.

Get a load of this.

Blanche Ripley, she's sweet.

- She sure is.
- A living doll.

- Blanche.
- Bill.

Gee, it was a swell evening.

I hate to say goodnight.

Me too Bill, but it's
late, you better go.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay Blanche.

Goodnight baby. I'll
see you in the morning.

Hey Ripley where have you been?

Hey Ripley? Where have you been?

Heaven I think. Well,
come back to earth.

I got news for you.

He asked me to go
steady with him tonight.

- Who?
- Bill Harrison.

Oh Julie as far as I'm
concerned, this is it.

Well, as far as the Army
is concerned, that was it.

You better start
packing right away.

- Packing?
- Yes, you've been transferred.

- What?
- You've gotta leave for Fort Baxter

first thing in the morning.

But Bill and I... they
can't do this to me.

Gee, I'm sorry Blanche.

Here are your orders.

Oh they never mentioned
this on the recruiting posters!

The new secretary
gets in on the 2:15 train.

Come on, look alive!

Doberman, keep spraying
this perfume all over this jeep.

Hey Sarge, how do
you like these flowers?

Where did you get them?

From the new butcher shop
opened in town last night.

Here, put some
spray on that quickly.

Use a little on yourself
while you're at it.

Hey Sarge, don't you think
we'll have a little trouble

getting through the
gate with this jeep?

Anybody stops you, just tell
them it's a camouflage, all right?

Here's your instructions,
Fleischman, you're driving.

- Right, Sarge.
- Mullen, you get her luggage right?

- Got you.
- Who's got the welcoming speech?

- I have Sarge.
- Let me hear it.

- Wel, wel, welcome to Fort...
- Oh splendid.

All right, you're driving,
you get her luggage,

Spiegel, you make
the speech, all right?

Gee, Sarge, what am I gonna do?

You stay here with me.

After all, we have to save
some surprise for the young lady.

All right, let's see
the welcoming pose,

"Hiya Blanche."

Well, Corporal Ripley, I've
been looking at your record.

- You seem quite capable.
- Thank you, Sir.

I'm sure we'll get along.

And here is something
you can handle right away.

Yes, Sir.

She certainly
takes a bad picture.

You look a little sad, did the
Colonel give you a rough time?

- No, he was very nice.
- Do you always look like that?

I'm sorry, it's just
that part of me

is still back at Camp Miller.

- Oh a boyfriend, huh?
- That's right.

Tough luck kid,
but you'll get over it.

I don't wanna get over it.

Why did they have
to transfer me here?

Out of all the girls in the
Army they had to pick me?

Excuse me, I was
looking for Cpl. Ripley.

- I'm Cpl. Ripley.
- You can't be.

My boys who picked you up
at the station must be lying.

They told me you were pretty,
so naturally I wasn't prepared

for this vision of loveliness.

Will you agree with
me on this, right?

Early Olivia De
Havilland, right?

- Yes.
- You must be Sgt. Bilko.

But of course.

Thank you for the
reception committee.

Oh just our way of
welcoming you aboard

and may I present you
with this box of candy

from the congenial friendly
co-operative boys at the motor pool

and these lovely twin bed lamps

which I'm sure will make
your dreary barracks

a home away from home.

One's A.C. and
one's D.C. just in case.

Why thank you Sergeant.

I just don't know what to say.

Oh I'm sure you'll find some
way to express your gratitude

like baking a cake,
knitting a sock.

Like keeping you
off the duty rosters?

Well, if you can't bake or
knit, that would be splendid.

I guess, I do owe you
something, Sgt. Bilko.

You can depend upon
me to be co-operative.

Of course I'm crying, it
finally happened... we've met

the one girl in a million.

I want this girl taken care of.

I want a jeep at her disposal
every time she goes in town.

Get Signal Corps to
pipe hi-fi into her room

and connect these lamps.

Say, you seem to run
Fort Baxter pretty well here.

Well, my dear, officially
it's known as Fort Baxter,

but off the record, this
is Bilko's Country Club.

You know I'm
beginning to feel better

about being at
Fort Baxter already.

Oh believe me Blanche,
you're gonna love it around here.

And do you know
who got you here?

No, Who? The Colonel?

- Nope.
- Military Personnel?

- Nope.
- Who?

Little old me, that's who.

You? You got me here?

Yes I.

There was a lot of
girls that wanted to,

but I said no I know of one girl

and that's the girl
we're gonna have here.

Cpl. Ripley, did you assign
any men to the Garbage Detail?

The Garbage Detail? Yes Sir.

Sgt. Bilko and
his whole platoon.

I like the way you
think, Corporal.

You are going to be
very valuable around here.

Look Ripley,
don't kid like that.

- The Colonel takes it seriously.
- Out!

No, no, you don't understand, if
he sees that you put me on duty,

he'll think I'm going to.
- Out!

Look, if you don't like the
lamps, we'll change them.

Out! Out!

All right, this is a flip
job, pouches for the girl.

Hey Sarge, how long is
this gonna go on, huh?

Yeah Ernie, look ever
since the Colonel's

new secretary
arrived 4 days ago,

we've been pulling every
dirty, miserable detail in camp.

You said you'd have her
right in the palm of your hand.

- All I see is a paint brush.
- What do you want from me?

How did I know she had
a boyfriend in Camp Miller

and she didn't wanna leave?

I always dreamed about
being in the WAC barracks,

but not as a painter.

Did you like it better yesterday
when we had to dig rifle pits.

- Huh?
- I didn't like that either.

What do you want from
me? I'm helping you, ain't I?

- I'm helping too.
- Hey Sarge.

What? What is it? What?

- When will you be through here?
- In about an hour.

Good, here's an order
from the Colonel's office.

When you get through
here, you and your men

are to clean the furnace
and the Officer's club.

The bat girl has struck again.

- It's like being a prisoner of war!
- Yeah that's right.

War is right, war she wants
and war she's gonna get.

Drop your brushes men.

You've drawn your
last work detail.

Doberman, get some cotton.

Come with me.

Hey, what are you so busy about?

I'm writing a letter to Bill.

You just wrote one this morning.

I wanna make sure
he doesn't forget me.

Cpl. Ripley, we just got
through painting your barracks

and now we're ready
for the next detail.

I think you said
something about a furnace.

Hey what's the
matter with Doberman?

His face is all puffed up.

Oh, it's just a slight
case of paint poisoning.

Paint poisoning?

Ours is not to reason why,
ours is but to paint and die,

something about the...

What's the matter with you?

Oh nothing, I'm all right.

I'm lucky; it's just a
little paint poisoning.

The boys and Doberman, they
got it much worse than I have.

Do the others have it too?

Oh but they'll be
along any minute now.

Captain Masters is examining.

He's giving them an
x-ray treatment right now.

Mmmmm..mmm!

I know, I know it hurts
but you're a soldier.

Bear up!

About these orders...

Look Sergeant, why don't
you and the men forget about

that furnace detail until
tomorrow when you feel better.

Oh please, orders are orders
and these are your orders...

Look Sergeant I can...

Headquarters, Cpl. Ripley.

Oh yes Captain Masters.

I know Sgt. Bilko
just told me about it.

The men are in your office now.

What's Sgt. Bilko
doing on his feet?

I ordered that man to bed.

Nurse give that man a
sedative to ease his pain.

Sorry, for the interruption,

Cpl. Ripley I have never
seen such extreme cases

of paint poisoning
and exhaustion.

I want these men
relieved of all further duty.

Yes Captain Masters,
they're to have plenty of rest.

No work details. 3 day passes?

Yes Captain Masters,
oh I understand Sir.

You can depend on me.

I'll see that all your
instructions are carried...

Oh pardon me
Corporal, is Col. Hall in?

Excuse me. I'm sorry, he's out.

Who should I say called?

Captain Masters with
the hospital report.

Captain Masters!

We have to take care
of the furnace room.

Wait a minute Sergeant,
what's wrong with him?

- His face is all puffed up.
- Oh nothing wrong, Sir.

He likes to eat cotton.

I told him never, you'll
spoil your dinner, spit it out.

Come now. Spit
out, no more cotton.

You'll be sure to
give him the report.

Yes, Captain Masters.

And now Captain
Masters, you and your staff

will join Sgt. Bilko in the
basement of the Officers Club

and start cleaning
out the furnace.

Watch that, will you Zimmerman?

I'm not Zimmerman,
I'm Paparelli.

Get the dog tags
in case you faint,

I'll be able to identify you.

All right move it. Get
back there and help...

Hey Sarge, I can't work
anymore, my sacroiliac is out.

Me too, I've had enough.

Yeah, how do you get
out of this chicken outfit?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, what
is this, a mutiny?

You wanna wind
up in a guardhouse?

The guardhouse will be like
the French Riviera after this.

Now listen Sarge,
you've gotta do something.

- Get rid of her, will yah?
- What do you want me to do?

Hey Sarge.

Well, get a load of
this Beau Brummel.

What are you too good for us?
Why aren't you on this detail?

Sarge, I've gotta
get to town and vote.

Vote? What've you
got... your own election?

You don't vote
with anybody else?

But Sarge, it's not
that kind of an election,

it's a contest to elect
a Miss Roseville.

I'm gonna vote for this one.

Look at this, "Miss
Roseville contest nearing end.

Lucky winner will receive all
expense trip to Switzerland."

Switzerland.

I wish somebody would send
that Cpl. Ripley to Switzerland.

- Yeah.
- Anyplace just get her out of here.

Yeah.

Well, Switzerland
isn't too far but it will do.

Wait a minute, you mean
Miss Roseville, Cpl. Ripley?

Cpl. Ripley, Miss Roseville?

Why not? She's got my vote.

- Mine too!
- Count on me too.

Personally, I am gonna
vote for Hilda Schmidt.

I'm warning you Doberman,
if I hear this Schmidt girl

got one vote, I'm warning
you... come on, get dressed.

All right men, this
is it, Liberation Day!

Yeah!

Now let me understand
you Sergeant,

you want to enter a girl in the
Miss Roseville contest now?

That's right Mayor
Burke. Here she is.

She's a sweet girl.

They'll just love
her in Switzerland

and we'd love her in
Switzerland too, wouldn't we boys?

- Yes Sir.
- The contest is over tomorrow.

She couldn't possibly
get enough votes to win.

- Oh Sir, just a moment.
- Excuse me.

Here's 1,486 votes, from
the men at Fort Baxter Sir.

Amazing, but as you can see
by today's Roseville Gazette,

the 3 finalists are hundreds
of votes ahead of her

with only 1 day left,
she couldn't possibly

get enough votes to win.

Oh darn, well, won't
you just accept this entry

as a token to the
men of Fort Baxter.

I'll break the bad news
to Miss Ripley myself.

Your Honour, Councilman
Frank is waiting.

- Oh yes, excuse me boys.
- Yes Sir.

Here it is.

They're the 3 girls
who are standing

between Blanche and Switzerland.

- Lovely girls they are too.
- Yeah.

Cora Williams, Lucille
Lyons, Barbara Ritter.

Oh they're sweet.

I just hope these poor souls
haven't packed their skis yet.

Sarge, you've got a plan?

Click! Click! Click!

- Miss Cora Williams?
- Yes.

We are members of
the screening committee

of the Miss Roseville contest.

- Oh well won't you come in.
- We do hate to disturb you.

But it's been agreed that you
most likely will win the contest.

However, we must make
sure of your qualifications.

Qualifications?

Good heavens
miss, you don't think

we're gonna send a young
lady all the way to Switzerland

just because she's pretty.

You must have
certain qualifications.

The list, Mr. Barbella.

The list? What's on the list?

Well, I'm ashamed to
have to tell you here,

but it does say you must
dance now if you don't...

That's all right. No I've
studied ballet for years.

Oh really, but it says here
specifically tap dancing

and if you don't,
it's quite all right.

- Oh no, how's this?
- What?

Well, it'll probably
pass. No doubt.

Oh yes, it also says you
must be a coloratura soprano,

now nobody does that these days.

Oh Hear The Gentle Lull...

Yes it figures.

Oh yes, I most..
Almost forgot this, yes,

it says here you must
play a musical instrument.

Oh I've played
the violin for years.

Well, we'll get in touch
with you Miss Williams.

What do you want
from me, I tried?

- Oh here, here.
- What?

This is when I gave a
concert at the town hall.

I was only 7.
- Oh really now.

Yes and here's the $5 gold
piece the conductor gave me.

$5 for the job?

Well, that makes
you a professional

and automatically disqualifies
you from the contest.

- Disqualifies me?
- Yes, the release please.

Well, I've never heard of
anything like that in my whole life.

Please, Miss Williams,
we don't make the rules.

We just enforce them.
You just sign here.

I think it will be best
for all concerned,

you don't want the adverse
publicity that goes with it.

- No.
- Just sign the release

and we'll just forget
it until next year

when we run it just
for professionals.

You've been splendid about
this and I advise you - practice.

You have a lot
of talent. Please.

- It worked great, huh Sarge?
- Where to next, Sarge?

Next, well we just took
care of Miss Cora Williams.

Miss Lucille Lyons next,
get my sports jacket.

Mom, dad, did you hear this?
What did you say your name was?

Just call me Scoop honey.

I'm head publicity man of
the Miss Roseville contest.

And if I know anything
about contests,

baby you're a lead pipe cinch.

The contest isn't over,
how do you know I'll win?

With that face and that figure
- hee, hee, wow, wee, wee!

Mom, did you hear
that? I'm gonna win.

- How exciting.
- Is this the mother of the winner?

How are you sugars,
is this the Dad,

this is the sucker
who pays all the bills.

- Oh you are Miss Roseville.
- Excuse me, sit down honey.

Now look, first thing
tomorrow morning

I want you in the office.

I wanna pose you
for some pictures.

I have a beautiful evening gown.

Gown, honey, you don't get
the idea, I want some of this jazz.

- You're gonna be in a bikini.
- Bikini?

Don't worry Mom, I'll
have the door open.

I've been raided
before what about that?

I go nuts for a little doll
with big blue eyes like this.

Do you know what I mean?
Papa makes me want to go roar!

- Well, I never...
- Oh you must have.

Well, when you
arrive in Switzerland,

you'll melt all the
ice there, huh?

You're going to be with her?

All the way! All the way!

Don't worry Pap,
we'll take care of you.

I'll send you some
postcards from Paris.

I'll wrap 'em in
a plain envelope.

Get it? You get it?

- Paris?
- Yeah.

We're gonna sleep
over there for a few days.

Honey, there's a little place
on the left bank, murder!

It's murder!

Mister, the only
place you're slipping

is out of here right now!
- What about the contest?

My daughter is
out of the contest!

Oh, darn!

Well, Sarge?

Well, we just took care
of Miss Lucille Lyons,

now for Miss Barbara Ritter.

- Barbara.
- What is it Aunty?

There are 3
gentlemen to see you.

3 gentlemen.

It's regarding the
Miss Roseville contest.

They say they're from
the Swiss Embassy.

How exciting! Show
them in Aunt Hattie.

Right this way, gentlemen.
Ah, Fraulein Ritter.

Switzerland welcomes
Miss Roseville.

Oh when you come to
our magnificent country,

there will be dancing in the
streets, dance in the streets.

Miss Roseville, but I haven't
even won the contest yet.

Oh, this is not what
we hear in Switzerland.

Already we have prepared
your chalet in Zurich.

Oh, I'm gonna stay in a chalet?

Oh this is only till you
are ready to climb the Alps

which you will do
with Hans and Fritz.

This time you
will go to the peak.

The peak?

Oh it's a beautiful
sight if you make it.

But you have nothing to
worry, they are experts,

they have these strong
mountain climbing rope.

This is made only in...

Why you give me
the stinking rope!

If you don't mind, I'd rather
not climb any mountains please.

But please, if you
come to Switzerland,

you have to climb the
mountain, everything is up.

Also you must exercise
or you will freeze.

This is why we have
dancing in the streets.

They're dancing their
solo, very good Hans, very...

You will sign this tourist form
which protects the government

if you are carried
off by an eagle.

An eagle? I've heard enough.

- I'm not going to Switzerland.
- What?

If you win the contest, you
have to come to Switzerland.

Well, I'm getting
out of the contest.

I do not blame her.

If it was not my country,
I do not go back either.

See what you have done?

Henry, I just can't get over it.

This Ripley girl was
a real dark horse.

Just entered the
contest yesterday

and overnight
she's Miss Roseville.

I can't understand
it either Sir.

The 3 leaders dropping
out just like that.

Yeah.

If I could win an election that
easily, I'd run for President.

Well, say, why
isn't she here yet.

The plane leaves in 45 minutes.

I don't know what's keeping her.

Sgt. Bilko said he'd get her
here in time for the plane.

I'd better call her.

But Blanche, I'm
on the level with you.

You're Miss Roseville, here's
your picture in the paper.

I've heard about all your
tricks with fake headlines.

You're not sending me
on any wild goose chase.

How do you like this?

The one time I'm on the
level nobody believes me.

Now listen, will you let
me drive you to the airport

Edna will send you your clothes.

Headquarters Cpl. Ripley.
Oh you're the mayor?

Ah, now you'll believe him, huh?

Oh yes Mr. Mayor
I heard about it.

- See?
- Oh that's nice Mr. Mayor.

I should hurry to
catch the plane?

I'll get a jeep.

All right Cpl. Henshaw, or
Mr. Mayor or Captain Masters,

or whatever you call yourself.

Hey what are you doing?

Now Mr. Mayor let
me tell you something...

I knew soldiers talked
like that, but WACS?

Hi Sarge, we've
seen your light on.

Why don't you go to sleep?

Yeah, it's 3:00
o'clock in the morning.

Who can sleep?

I've gotta figure a way to
get rid of that Ripley dame.

If I could just get her
transferred or something.

Oh give up Sarge.

Look, you can do
what you want with us,

with the platoon,
even with the Colonel.

But you just can't do
anything with that Cpl. Ripley.

I've been going
about this all wrong.

I gotta open up a
second front, the Colonel.

Go on boys, out!

I've gotta get a
good night's sleep.

I'll be bright and
alert in the morning.

Go on! Go on! Of
course, the Colonel.

Come in.

- Good morning Sir.
- Good morning.

Here are the progress
reports on the overhaul job, Sir.

Thank you, Bilko. Anything else?

No, Sir.

What are you doing, Bilko?

Oh excuse me Sir, I
was just checking to see

if what the girls in outer
officer are saying is true.

What is it Bilko?

Please don't be offended Sir.

But they say you look
just like Ronald Colman.

Ronald Colman?
That's ridiculous!

We don't look at all alike.
Well, I beg to differ, Sir.

You're not standing where I am.

There's a striking resemblance

when hold your
head a certain way.

Oh, which way?

Hold that, Sir. There it is.

No wonder your secretary feels
the way she does about you, Sir.

- Blanche?
- What, what do you mean?

- Oh me and my big mouth.
- What is it, Bilko?

But surely Sir, you
must have seen it.

- Seen what?
- Sir, the truth of the matter is,

the poor girl is hopelessly
in love with you, Sir.

In love with me?

That sweet, nice, young girl?

Well, then you've
noticed her, Sir?

Oh but it can't be.

Look at the
difference in our ages.

- I'm much older than she is.
- You're right, Sir.

It's the story of South
Pacific all over again,

May and December.

Oh I wouldn't say December.

Don't worry about it, Sir.
You'll do the right thing.

I know you've been through
this hundreds of times, Sir.

Not exactly hundreds of times.

Come in.

These letters are ready
for your signature, Sir.

Thank you.

I'm terribly sorry, Sir.
I'm terribly sorry, Colonel.

There can be no
doubt about it, Sir.

She couldn't keep
her hands off you.

If I hadn't seen it with my
own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

What am I gonna do?

Sir, there's only one
thing you could do.

You must leave
the camp for a while,

till the poor girl can
pull herself together, Sir.

You're right. But wait a
minute, I can't go away.

I'm running a camp.

You'll have to have
a talk with Mrs. Hall.

She's a modern
woman, she'll understand.

Why don't you just
say to her, darling,

you'll have to share me.
- Never mind.

- I know what to do.
- And she's very progressive.

At the Bridge Club I've heard

that these women
discuss these problems.

Hello, personnel, Capt. Barker.

I want you to arrange
an immediate transfer

for Cpl. Blanche Ripley
back to Camp Miller.

Yes, first thing in the morning
and get me a new secretary

and this time make
it a male secretary.

Congratulations, Sir.

That's just what Ronald
Colman would have done.

Hey, is this living again,

now that the Colonel's
secretary is gone?

- Yeah.
- You can say that again.

Hey, here's Bilko.

Okay fellows, everybody 1, 2,

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow...

Thanks a lot, boys.

Your applause went to
my heart not my head.

Well, did the old
Sarge let you down?

Ah-ah.

It took me a little while, she
had me stymied that Miss Ripley,

but when I made my
move, I got rid of her.

- Yeah!
- How about a little pool, Sarge?

A little pool, I
missed you baby.

- Rack 'em up, Dino.
- Oh Sarge.

Pardon me fellas,
can anyone tell me

where I can find
Cpl. Blanche Ripley?

- Cpl. Ripley?
- Yeah, she's my sweetheart.

My name's Bill Harrison,
just got in from Camp Miller.

Well, I got good
news for you Bill.

You can go right back
to Camp Miller because

that's where Cpl.
Ripley was transferred to.

Blanche is back at Camp Miller?

Yes and you know
who you can thank for it?

Me..Sergeant. Ernie Bilko.

You had her transferred?

It wasn't easy,
take my advice pal.

Fly back to Camp Miller into
the arms of your loved one.

Yeah, but I can't. I've
just been transferred here.

I'm the Colonel's new secretary.

You're the Colonel's
new secretary?

Yeah Sgt. Bilko and I'm
not gonna forget about you.

- Sarge, now what are we gonna do?
- Hey Sarge?

What's the panic? Relax!

He's a nice fella.

It's just a shame
about him being in love

with the Colonel's
wife, isn't it?

He's in love with
the Colonel's wife?

Not yet, but he will be.

Take a letter, "Dear Col. Hall,

please regard this
anonymous letter as a token

to the husband who's
always the last to know.

There are certain
circumstances in your office..."

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Dorothy Stinnette as
Cpl. Blanche Ripley.

Joan Holloway as Cora Williams.

Suzanne Storrs as Lucille Lyons.

Mara McAfee as Barbara Ritter.

Lester Mack as the Mayor.

Barbara Barrie as Edna.

Billie Allen as Billie.

Grace Carney as Mother Lyons.

John Cecil Holmes
as Father Lyons.

And Ken McEwen as Bill Harrison.