The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 14 - Bilko and the Flying Saucers - full transcript
Trying to keep a date with a beautiful nightclub singer in Washington DC, Sergeant Bilko tries to convince his commanding officer that creatures from outer spaces have been spotted inside the base and that a motor pool sergeant should report the sighting to the Pentagon so the army brass doesn't think the Colonel is a crackpot.
..Was Her Man But He Done
Her Wrong Oh So Wrong...
- Miss Morgan?
- Yes.
Oh we enjoyed your
singing very much.
Well, thank you very much.
We've liked your singing
ever since we saw you
on that U.S.O. Show
on New Guinea.
U.S.O. Show on New Guinea.
Were you 2 in the 38th division?
- That's right.
- How about that? Well it's good to see
you!
Won't you sit down?
Thank you, thank you.
It was back in err, '43.
'43, is it that long ago?
Yeah. Boy, that's 14 years ago.
- It is.
- It seems like only yesterday.
You know, I remember one
Sergeant in the 38th division,
a real fast talking conman.
You must be mistaken.
What do you mean?
Bilko was with
the 24th division.
Bilko! That was his
name, Ernie Bilko.
Ernie Bilko, sure.
What a character.
You know, I remember
that you couldn't get nylons
anywhere in the States
but he was selling them
on New Guinea for $5 a pair.
Oh that sounds like him.
- What happened to Bilko?
- He's still in the Army.
The last I heard, he was stationed
some place in what, Kansas?
- Yeah, Fort Baxter.
- Yeah, that's the place.
Oh I'd love to see him again.
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call him up. Tony!
Where did you say the
place was, Fort Baxter?
- Yeah, in Kansas.
- Yes, Miss Morgan.
Tony, bring me a
phone, will you please?
Right away.
Ernie Bilko, what
a line he gave me.
I still don't know to this day
if he was kidding me or not.
Why? What happened?
Well, it was on New Guinea.
The order had come
through to move up.
Hi Ernie. Oh I thought
you'd never get here.
I've been waiting an eternity.
- Well, I'm sorry.
Well, sweetheart,
this then is it.
This then is what?
Goodbye, the sands of
time are running out for us
and we must part
for now. I know.
I hear the sounds
of battle up ahead
and I'm man enough
to admit I'm afraid.
Oh, Ernie don't worry.
I'm going up there
to sing not to fight.
Oh, so much to do
and such little time.
Yeah I know, I
still have to pack.
- Baby you'll...
- Listen Ernie.
Ernie did you remember to bring
that other pair of nylons for me?
Of course, you didn't
think I'd forget those.
- There you are.
- Oh, how wonderful, Ernie.
How can I ever thank you?
Just holding you in my
arms this brief moment
is thanks enough for me.
Why it means more to
me than that $5 ever could.
Well, Ernie I've got it
right here in my pocket.
No, no, no just
take the stockings
as something to remember me by.
Well, I'll remember
you anyway Ernie.
- Very well, if you insist.
- Well, it's getting late.
No, no, don't say goodbye.
This farewell has to last
me forever a long time baby.
- Ernie, please...
- No, just one kiss goodbye.
No, Ernie, no. You're right.
Not goodbye, just
auf wiedersehen.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
I haven't felt this
way in a long time.
How long have you been overseas?
- A long time.
- You can tell.
Yes, the pain of this ugly war
is etched in my heart, and you,
you're like an oasis of
beauty in my ravaged life.
I'll never, never
forget you Connie.
Bonnie. Bonnie Connie
what difference does it make?
I love you. Oh now Ernie.
Ernie please you're
being silly now let me go.
I really have to go.
Goodbye Ernie. Good luck.
Oh, the feel of
your passionate kiss
on my cheeks will
stay with me forever.
And now you'd
better go while we still
both have control
of ourselves run!
Did you give me the 5...
Yes, you gave me the 5.
Take care.
What a character that guy was.
- He was.
- Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it wait a minute.
Hello, oh yes
Operator, I'll wait.
She's ringing Fort Baxter now.
Oh good.
You know, I always had
the feeling that if Ernie Bilko
put some of that
crafty brilliance of his
to work on Army projects,
he could turn out to be
a first-rate military mind.
Men, the application
of military science
can often prove invaluable
as we will demonstrate
in the following instance.
A knowledge of trajectory
with the proper allowance
for wind resistance
on a spheroid projectile.
In other words, gentlemen,
8-ball in the side pocket.
That does it!
- Well, how did we do Rocco?
- About 17 bucks.
Hmm, it's not enough,
where's my patsy Ritzik?
The next picture shows
the Emperor of Galaxy L-40
getting' into his
atomic space ship.
That's the Emperor
with the ugly face, huh?
Yeah.
Say, has he got his
daughter with him?
- Oh yeah, look who.
- Let me see.
Oh wow, she sure looks good.
Here, now tell me
what happens now.
Then the Emperor says,
"Today I rule the galaxy,
tomorrow the universe."
Here Ritzik, what do you
need him for, can't you read?
Of course I can read.
We just got one pair
of glasses, that's all.
All right, how about
a game of pool,
give you a chance to get even.
Oh, not now.
What are you talking
about? That comic book
will be here when you get back.
Okay Bilko, but I'm broke.
Keep reading.
Broke, there ain't a loose
dollar in the whole platoon.
Get that, will you
Henshaw? Right, Sarge.
17, huh? Yep.
Let me see if I borrow
10 from Doberman,
that just about will do it.
- I'll get by.
- It's for you, Ernie.
It's a girl calling
from Washington.
A girl? From Washington?
- That's what she said.
- Oh I don't like that.
When they start calling
long distance, I get worried.
Who could it be?
Maybe it's that redhead
Marie, I took out last July.
Yeah. Huh.
Wait a minute, what
am I worried about?
All I did was take her
to a Drive-in Movie.
Oooh yai, yai yai!
Hello, yeah, this is Bilko.
Who's this? Bonnie?
Well of course I remember you.
Yes, when is it the
last time we met?
Oh yes I know I just
want to hear it from you.
New Guinea, well
of course I remember,
Bonnie Morgan from the U.S.O.
Yes the girl I gave
the silk stockings to.
Gave, sold what
difference does it make?
All these years it's
too late for a refund.
What?
You're singing at the D.C.
Club at Washington, huh?
Wonderful! Glad to hear...
Yes, I'd like to see you too.
How about me coming
up there this weekend?
Oh don't worry I'll get there.
I know it's in Washington.
Yes, love will find a way.
All right, you look
for me now, yeah.
Goodbye my dear. Wow!
14 years he's still
carrying a torch.
Who's Bonnie,
Sarge? Bonnie Morgan.
Well, come on give.
What's the story?
There's nothing to give.
She's a very nice girl I...
Wait a minute you
remember Bonnie Morgan
the singer from
the U.S.O. Oh sure.
Yeah. Oh, I hope
she's cooled off by now.
Hey Sarge when
did you see her last?
Yeah, let me see. Oh it
was in New Guinea, uh huh.
The order had just
come through to move up.
- Ernie.
- Hello woman.
Oh Ernie, Ernie I thought
you'd never get here.
I've been waiting an eternity.
All right, all right!
Hold it baby, baby!
You're melting my grenades.
Ernie, I know that
I promised you
that when the time came
I wouldn't get emotional.
But are you moving up tonight?
Yeah, baby. This is it.
No, no, no Ernie.
This time something
will happen to you.
I just know it. I feel it.
Please don't go Ernie
please. All right, stop that!
Please Ernie I can't
stand it. Stop it! Stop it!
I'm sorry. Oh Ernie do
you really have to go?
Baby, that's the way
the jeep bounces.
You can't live forever.
Why does it always have
to be you? I don't know.
Why is it always Bilko
leads an enemy attack.
Bilko captures enemy platoon!
Bilko wipes out
machine gun nest!
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Baby, somebody's gotta
take care of the South Pacific.
Audie Murphy is in Europe.
I don't care about that.
All I know is that I love you.
I love you. I love you Ernie.
Oh no Ernie, no,
no, not yet! Not yet!
Look, baby, there's a time to
live and there's a time to fight.
Now pull yourself together.
Ernie, do you remember
that idea I had yesterday?
Oh that's ridiculous.
You can't go in my place.
What'll the Fed's say?
Oh Ernie, this island won't
be the same without you.
Come on baby pull
yourself together, sugar.
That's the way it is in the Army,
here today, Guam tomorrow.
Oh the boys in the
shack'll love that one.
Oh Ernie, how can you be so
witty in the face of such danger?
That's the way I am
baby. You've got to face it.
Now, I'm gonna say
goodbye and goodbye quick.
No use prolonging
your heartache.
So long woman, see you in Tokyo.
Oh no Ernie no!
No don't go please.
- Hold that jeep, hold it!
- Please, don't go.
- There's a war out there.
- I beg you don't leave me.
Fellas, hold that
bulldozer. Would you stop?
Fellas, this lady is stuck
with me, will you go away.
Bonnie baby, no! No! I
couldn't shake her off.
Wow, hey Sarge, do you
think she's still in love with you?
Of course, why else would
she call me from Washington?
Let me see, I've gotta get
to Washington this weekend.
How?
I've got it, those trucks at
the Aberdeen proving ground.
What about 'em? What about 'em?
They haven't gotten here.
I think it's a crying shame.
Since we need them
so desperately, don't we?
No. Well, of course we do.
I personally I'm going up
there to see that they get here.
Sarge, but what about
Washington? Washington?
Aberdeen is just a few miles
from Washington, well, huh?
Oh that poor girl 14
years without Bilko,
she must be a
clawing savage by now.
Major Lukens.
Pvt. Larsen, you startled me.
What, what is it Private?
What is it? What is it?
Sgt. Bilko requests
permission to see you.
Bilko? Oh dear.
Send him in, send
him in. Yes, Sir.
Major Lukens, Sir.
Don't shout, Sergeant.
I understand Major
and believe me Sir,
the men of Fort Baxter realize
the terrific strain
you've been under, Sir.
Well, with your
double duty as C.O.
and Special Services Officer.
As a matter of
fact, the men marvel
at the strength and fortitude
you've displayed in the 36 hours
that the Colonel
has been gone, Sir.
37 hours and 22 minutes.
Well what did you wanna
see me about Bilko?
Well, Sir our motorized
operating capacity
is in a state of crisis, Sir.
We simply do not
have enough vehicles
to operate this post at
its peak efficiency, Sir.
Bilko, if that's all that's
bothering you please...
But Sir, those
new trucks of ours
have been standing up
there at Aberdeen, Sir.
Well, I'm willing to cancel
any plans I have this weekend
to go up there personally
and supervise their delivery.
Why, it's shocking, Sir.
Suppose the enemy
should strike there...
Bilko please...
Would you just
sign this pass, Sir?
I could be in Aberdeen bright
and early Saturday morning, Sir.
Bilko, I am trying to tell
you, that won't be necessary.
Won't be necessary?
Well Sir, isn't eternal vigilance
the price of liberty, Sir...
Sign that Sir...
- Bilko, those trucks
left Aberdeen this morning.
They should be rolling in
here sometime this weekend.
Oh they will, huh?
Isn't that splendid, Sir?
It's just a rotten
coincidence. That's all.
Yeah, I guess you better
forget about Washington
for this weekend, Ernie.
And break that love
starved girl's heart?
Are you nuts?
Hey Ernie, notices just
came for the bulletin board.
So what? Put it up
on the bulletin board.
It's the usual stuff see.
"Subject: Unidentified
Flying Objects..."
Now what do I care about
flying saucers at a time like this?
Put it on the bulletin board.
Wait a minute, "Post
Commanders will report
all authentic UFO
sightings to the Pentagon
where evidence is of
a substantial nature...
Post Commanders will report...
What is it Ernie?
The C.O. is authorized
to send any person who sees
an unidentified flying object
direct to the Pentagon. So?
So, this is my
ticket to Washington.
I get it, all you
have to do is report
you've seen a flying saucer
and you're on your way.
Oh no, no, it's not that simple.
The Major will immediately
become suspicious.
I've got to get someone
else to see it first,
someone who trusts me,
somebody in another platoon.
You better try someone
in another camp.
That's it Ritzik, he's a
bug on science fiction.
I'll tell him and he'll
go, ooh, ooh, ooh...
- Rupert! Rupert! What?
Rupert, put that
down that comic book.
I'm tired of looking at nothing
but the top of your head.
Oh leave me alone.
A man of your age shouldn't
be reading comic books.
These ain't ordinary
comic books.
They're all about space
travel in other planets.
What's wrong if I take a
healthy interest in astrology?
What's wrong if you take
a healthy interest in me?
I haven't seen you all day. You
don't even talk to me anymore.
I'm not a stick of
wood talk to me.
All right, what's new?
None of you business!
Rupert, put down
that comic book.
Look, how many conversations
do you want in one night?
Holy mackerel, I almost forgot!
How could I forget such a thing?
What? What is
it? What time is it?
6:00 o'clock. Good,
I'm just in time.
It's time for "Captain
Dan, Space Man.
Are you ready to blast off?"
Yeah! Yeah!
You can look at this stupid
program but I don't have to hear it.
I'm gonna turn down
the sound! Come in.
Well, good evening Mrs.
Ritzik. What do you want, Bilko?
He doesn't get paid
for another 3 days.
Oh really Mrs.
Ritzik I am surprised.
- This is purely a social call.
- Don't make me laugh.
Rupert, give me your watch.
- What for?
- Don't ask any questions.
Until Bilko leaves,
I'll hold the watch.
Really Mrs. R, you are a card.
Look out! Watch out!
He's gotta disintegrator pistol.
Oh I told him to watch out!
What's up? Game tonight?
Shh! I wanna watch this.
Oh, you're interested
in this stuff too, Ernie?
Are you kidding?
I never miss it.
Now fellows, this is Captain
Dan with the interplanetary
passwords, Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
What does that mean?
You promise you
won't tell anybody?
I promise.
It means, Crispy
Crunchies are good for yah.
Look Rupert I've got
to ask you something.
If I don't talk to somebody
I'll go out of my mind.
Well, if it's a touch
you're wasting your time.
Oh, no, it's nothing like that.
Now look... What is it?
No, it's just too ridiculous.
Come on out with
it, tell me Bilko.
Rupert are there really
such things as flying saucers?
Oh sure, there must be 1,000
people who've seen them.
1,001.
You mean you? Yeah.
When? Last night.
Are you sure because
I've been watching the skies
every night with my binoculars
and I haven't seen anything.
Where have you been looking?
In North. By the WAC barracks?
Yeah.
Well, last night I
was looking South.
Yeah. Around 2:00 o'clock, I...
Yeah, yeah come on tell me.
Well, I looked up in the sky and
saw these strange lights, see?
Yeah. And then I heard...
Strange voices.
Say that again.
Must be in code
Then the sounds disappeared,
I wanted to make sure
and I went out to investigate.
The strangest thing of
all there on the ground
where they had
been was this white...
Wait, I put some in an envelope.
Let me see.
I thought so, sugar.
Are you sure?
I'm a cook, ain't I?
Sugar? Yeah.
Why sugar?
Come on, you know
something. Out with it Rupert.
Yeah, I remember a picture I
once saw where these creatures
from outer space they
lived on nothing but sugar.
I remember the name now "The
Sweet Monster from Planet X."
Could this be?
Of course, movies don't
lie. They're not allowed to.
They've got a
Motion Picture Code.
Fantastic! Utterly fantastic!
Ernie, I'm surprised at you.
There's nothing too
fantastic in this atomic age.
Well, do me a favour
don't say this to anybody.
Tonight, you watch.
I wanna make sure that
these tired old eyes of mine
are not playing tricks on me.
Leave it to me, Ernie.
I'll clean up my
binoculars real good.
It feels good having a
scientist in the group.
I leave you with 3 letters, KNB.
What's KNB?
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Hey Ernie, Ernie I got you
the Washington newspaper,
get a load of that picture.
Miss Bonnie Morgan,
torrid torch singer,
now appearing at the D.C. Club.
Ain't she a beaut?
I've just got to get to
Washington this weekend.
- Did you get everything?
- Yeah, Sarge, I got the balloons.
I filled them with gas,
they'll go straight up.
Good, those will
the be flying saucers.
Here's the oscillator.
That's when the
flying saucers take off.
Great, Sarge, I got
the sugar. Good, good.
Sarge, what's the
tape recorder for?
Look, our little men from
Mars have to talk, don't they?
On a tape recorder?
Observe, 1, 2, 3,
4 testing, testing.
Now is the time for all good men
to come to the aid of the party.
My Bonnie lies over the
ocean and for a good measure,
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Sarge, what was that
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda?
That's Martian talk for
Washington here I come!
Now, you'll hear the
Martian people talk.
I'll play the tape in reverse.
I get it. Great, Sarge.
Now look, in 3 hours,
here's what I want you to do...
See anything Ritzik?
Not yet. Oh let's go inside.
I'm cold.
Francis, keep your
eyes on the skies.
We've been out here for
over 2 hours where are they?
Have patience
they got a long trip.
Why would flying saucers
come over an Army camp
where they might get shot down?
Who knows, maybe
they haven't attained
our high degree of intelligence.
Come on in to sleep, it's late.
Oh leave me alone.
Tell your idiot friend to go
home and you come on inside.
Oh leave us alone.
Rupert! What?
Rupert! Rupert, listen.
Yeah, ooh, there
they are 1, 2, 3, uh!
We saw them. We saw them!
We saw them! Ooh, Ooh!
Ritzik, what's up? I saw
'em, Ernie! I saw 'em!
And Grover did too! Saw what?
3 bright silver flying saucers.
They went all the
way up in the air
until I couldn't
see 'em anymore.
Are you sure?
Of course, I'm sure
and then we found this.
Sugar, the Sweet
Monster from Planet...
this is getting' serious.
First thing in the morning
you report this to Major Lukens.
Yeah. And don't
tell him I saw them.
Why not?
I want you to get
full credit for this.
Thanks Ernie. You're a pal.
What's up, Sarge?
Why d'you ask us to
meet you down here?
Yeah, what happened?
Perfect, everything is
going according to plan.
Yeah, what did the Major
say when Ritzik told him?
He said it was the
most ridiculous thing
he ever heard of in his life.
You know the Major.
He worries, tonight he
won't think it's so ridiculous.
Same treatment Ritzik got?
Only with a little
something added.
What do you mean Sarge?
Tonight, the Major is
gonna see the first creature
from outer space to
land on earth, observe.
Oh creature?
How do I look?
Perfect, except for one
thing paint him green.
Oh Sarge. Now, now,
be nice little creature.
Flash your antennae.
Confound that Ritzik
and his wild-eyed stories.
I could have sworn
I heard something.
Now look here Lukens,
get hold of yourself.
You are a Major in the United
States Army, remember that.
That's better Lukens.
There they go, 1, 2, 3.
Give me the Corporal
of the Guard, hurry!
Hurry! Hurry! Corporal
do you see them?
Did you see?
Flying saucers,
Corporal 3 of them.
Well, confound it Corporal
look outside to the Northeast.
What do you see?
What do you see?
The stars, are you sure?
Just a minute.
Yes, you're quite right,
Corporal there's nothing there.
I, I must have been
having a nightmare,
or maybe it was that
meatloaf I had for dinner.
Thank you Corporal.
It's either the meatloaf
or I'm losing my mind.
Please, let it be the meatloaf.
- Come in. Come
in. Good morning, Sir.
How do you feel, Bilko?
Terrible Sir, I didn't
sleep a wink last night.
Neither did I.
Sir, I'd like to
ask a favor of you.
I know I've been
a pest around here
and you'll consider me
somewhat of a goldbrick.
Sir, I'd like permission
to report to the hospital
for a checkup, Sir.
Why? What's the matter?
Well Sir, it's either these
tired old eyes of mine
or my mind playing
tricks on me, Sir.
But last night I... oh
it's just too ridiculous.
Oh, no, no, no.
What is it, Bilko?
Well Sir, last night...
Promise you won't laugh, Sir.
I won't. What is it?
Well, I thought I saw these
strange lights in the sky, Sir.
Oh. And then I heard...
Hmmmmm!!
Yes.
And then there were
these strange voices Sir...
and I didn't recognize...
No, no, no. What's wrong Sir?
It wasn't the meatloaf.
You mean you saw
them too, Sir? Saw them?
One of the little monsters
was right outside my window.
Sir, we'll have to
report this immediately.
You know what the directive
says on the communication bulletin.
I already have, I've
phoned the Pentagon.
You didn't tell them
that you saw them, Sir?
No, not yet, I merely filed
a report on Ritzik's sighting.
Filed a report, Sir?
Don't you think this
is of major importance
that should be
reported in person, Sir?
I certainly do. Do
me a favor, Sir.
Please, you stay out of
this and let me handle it, Sir.
Why, Bilko?
But Sir, they are so skeptical
and you know how conservative
they are and with your
promotion coming up, Sir,
I don't think that they
should think of you...
You are right Bilko.
I'm going to let you and
Sgt. Ritzik handle this.
Wonderful, Sir, I'll go pack
and be off for
Washington immediately.
Washington? What for?
To report, Sir.
Bilko, that will
not be necessary,
an Army investigator
will be here this afternoon.
Investigator?
And I am going to see
that he interviews you
and Sgt. Ritzik immediately.
Now Bilko, tell him everything.
Everything Sir? You
mean about the...
Everything, Bilko.
But Sir, suppose
they don't believe me...
Don't worry Bilko.
They'll believe you.
They'll believe me. Yes Sir.
They'll believe
us. Nurse! Nurse!
Ernie, what does that mean
that they're keeping
us under observation?
It means you're cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Nurse! What do you want, Mac?
Look, I've got a date with
this dame in Washington
and I won't be able to make it.
- That's for sure.
- At least let me send a telegram.
- Give me a pencil.
- Sorry Mac, no sharp instruments.
I can't imagine why we
haven't heard from him.
From who? Captain
Dan, Space Man.
Oh shut up! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Hey fellows, I brought
you some company.
All right, right this way Mac.
Oh, it's one of them.
It's one of them!
Talk to him Ernie.
Say something, Ernie!
- But Sarge.
- Oh shut up!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:
Edward Andrews as Major Lukens.
Constance Ford as Bonnie Morgan.
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Beatrice
Pons as Mrs. Ritzik.
Her Wrong Oh So Wrong...
- Miss Morgan?
- Yes.
Oh we enjoyed your
singing very much.
Well, thank you very much.
We've liked your singing
ever since we saw you
on that U.S.O. Show
on New Guinea.
U.S.O. Show on New Guinea.
Were you 2 in the 38th division?
- That's right.
- How about that? Well it's good to see
you!
Won't you sit down?
Thank you, thank you.
It was back in err, '43.
'43, is it that long ago?
Yeah. Boy, that's 14 years ago.
- It is.
- It seems like only yesterday.
You know, I remember one
Sergeant in the 38th division,
a real fast talking conman.
You must be mistaken.
What do you mean?
Bilko was with
the 24th division.
Bilko! That was his
name, Ernie Bilko.
Ernie Bilko, sure.
What a character.
You know, I remember
that you couldn't get nylons
anywhere in the States
but he was selling them
on New Guinea for $5 a pair.
Oh that sounds like him.
- What happened to Bilko?
- He's still in the Army.
The last I heard, he was stationed
some place in what, Kansas?
- Yeah, Fort Baxter.
- Yeah, that's the place.
Oh I'd love to see him again.
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call him up. Tony!
Where did you say the
place was, Fort Baxter?
- Yeah, in Kansas.
- Yes, Miss Morgan.
Tony, bring me a
phone, will you please?
Right away.
Ernie Bilko, what
a line he gave me.
I still don't know to this day
if he was kidding me or not.
Why? What happened?
Well, it was on New Guinea.
The order had come
through to move up.
Hi Ernie. Oh I thought
you'd never get here.
I've been waiting an eternity.
- Well, I'm sorry.
Well, sweetheart,
this then is it.
This then is what?
Goodbye, the sands of
time are running out for us
and we must part
for now. I know.
I hear the sounds
of battle up ahead
and I'm man enough
to admit I'm afraid.
Oh, Ernie don't worry.
I'm going up there
to sing not to fight.
Oh, so much to do
and such little time.
Yeah I know, I
still have to pack.
- Baby you'll...
- Listen Ernie.
Ernie did you remember to bring
that other pair of nylons for me?
Of course, you didn't
think I'd forget those.
- There you are.
- Oh, how wonderful, Ernie.
How can I ever thank you?
Just holding you in my
arms this brief moment
is thanks enough for me.
Why it means more to
me than that $5 ever could.
Well, Ernie I've got it
right here in my pocket.
No, no, no just
take the stockings
as something to remember me by.
Well, I'll remember
you anyway Ernie.
- Very well, if you insist.
- Well, it's getting late.
No, no, don't say goodbye.
This farewell has to last
me forever a long time baby.
- Ernie, please...
- No, just one kiss goodbye.
No, Ernie, no. You're right.
Not goodbye, just
auf wiedersehen.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
I haven't felt this
way in a long time.
How long have you been overseas?
- A long time.
- You can tell.
Yes, the pain of this ugly war
is etched in my heart, and you,
you're like an oasis of
beauty in my ravaged life.
I'll never, never
forget you Connie.
Bonnie. Bonnie Connie
what difference does it make?
I love you. Oh now Ernie.
Ernie please you're
being silly now let me go.
I really have to go.
Goodbye Ernie. Good luck.
Oh, the feel of
your passionate kiss
on my cheeks will
stay with me forever.
And now you'd
better go while we still
both have control
of ourselves run!
Did you give me the 5...
Yes, you gave me the 5.
Take care.
What a character that guy was.
- He was.
- Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it wait a minute.
Hello, oh yes
Operator, I'll wait.
She's ringing Fort Baxter now.
Oh good.
You know, I always had
the feeling that if Ernie Bilko
put some of that
crafty brilliance of his
to work on Army projects,
he could turn out to be
a first-rate military mind.
Men, the application
of military science
can often prove invaluable
as we will demonstrate
in the following instance.
A knowledge of trajectory
with the proper allowance
for wind resistance
on a spheroid projectile.
In other words, gentlemen,
8-ball in the side pocket.
That does it!
- Well, how did we do Rocco?
- About 17 bucks.
Hmm, it's not enough,
where's my patsy Ritzik?
The next picture shows
the Emperor of Galaxy L-40
getting' into his
atomic space ship.
That's the Emperor
with the ugly face, huh?
Yeah.
Say, has he got his
daughter with him?
- Oh yeah, look who.
- Let me see.
Oh wow, she sure looks good.
Here, now tell me
what happens now.
Then the Emperor says,
"Today I rule the galaxy,
tomorrow the universe."
Here Ritzik, what do you
need him for, can't you read?
Of course I can read.
We just got one pair
of glasses, that's all.
All right, how about
a game of pool,
give you a chance to get even.
Oh, not now.
What are you talking
about? That comic book
will be here when you get back.
Okay Bilko, but I'm broke.
Keep reading.
Broke, there ain't a loose
dollar in the whole platoon.
Get that, will you
Henshaw? Right, Sarge.
17, huh? Yep.
Let me see if I borrow
10 from Doberman,
that just about will do it.
- I'll get by.
- It's for you, Ernie.
It's a girl calling
from Washington.
A girl? From Washington?
- That's what she said.
- Oh I don't like that.
When they start calling
long distance, I get worried.
Who could it be?
Maybe it's that redhead
Marie, I took out last July.
Yeah. Huh.
Wait a minute, what
am I worried about?
All I did was take her
to a Drive-in Movie.
Oooh yai, yai yai!
Hello, yeah, this is Bilko.
Who's this? Bonnie?
Well of course I remember you.
Yes, when is it the
last time we met?
Oh yes I know I just
want to hear it from you.
New Guinea, well
of course I remember,
Bonnie Morgan from the U.S.O.
Yes the girl I gave
the silk stockings to.
Gave, sold what
difference does it make?
All these years it's
too late for a refund.
What?
You're singing at the D.C.
Club at Washington, huh?
Wonderful! Glad to hear...
Yes, I'd like to see you too.
How about me coming
up there this weekend?
Oh don't worry I'll get there.
I know it's in Washington.
Yes, love will find a way.
All right, you look
for me now, yeah.
Goodbye my dear. Wow!
14 years he's still
carrying a torch.
Who's Bonnie,
Sarge? Bonnie Morgan.
Well, come on give.
What's the story?
There's nothing to give.
She's a very nice girl I...
Wait a minute you
remember Bonnie Morgan
the singer from
the U.S.O. Oh sure.
Yeah. Oh, I hope
she's cooled off by now.
Hey Sarge when
did you see her last?
Yeah, let me see. Oh it
was in New Guinea, uh huh.
The order had just
come through to move up.
- Ernie.
- Hello woman.
Oh Ernie, Ernie I thought
you'd never get here.
I've been waiting an eternity.
All right, all right!
Hold it baby, baby!
You're melting my grenades.
Ernie, I know that
I promised you
that when the time came
I wouldn't get emotional.
But are you moving up tonight?
Yeah, baby. This is it.
No, no, no Ernie.
This time something
will happen to you.
I just know it. I feel it.
Please don't go Ernie
please. All right, stop that!
Please Ernie I can't
stand it. Stop it! Stop it!
I'm sorry. Oh Ernie do
you really have to go?
Baby, that's the way
the jeep bounces.
You can't live forever.
Why does it always have
to be you? I don't know.
Why is it always Bilko
leads an enemy attack.
Bilko captures enemy platoon!
Bilko wipes out
machine gun nest!
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Baby, somebody's gotta
take care of the South Pacific.
Audie Murphy is in Europe.
I don't care about that.
All I know is that I love you.
I love you. I love you Ernie.
Oh no Ernie, no,
no, not yet! Not yet!
Look, baby, there's a time to
live and there's a time to fight.
Now pull yourself together.
Ernie, do you remember
that idea I had yesterday?
Oh that's ridiculous.
You can't go in my place.
What'll the Fed's say?
Oh Ernie, this island won't
be the same without you.
Come on baby pull
yourself together, sugar.
That's the way it is in the Army,
here today, Guam tomorrow.
Oh the boys in the
shack'll love that one.
Oh Ernie, how can you be so
witty in the face of such danger?
That's the way I am
baby. You've got to face it.
Now, I'm gonna say
goodbye and goodbye quick.
No use prolonging
your heartache.
So long woman, see you in Tokyo.
Oh no Ernie no!
No don't go please.
- Hold that jeep, hold it!
- Please, don't go.
- There's a war out there.
- I beg you don't leave me.
Fellas, hold that
bulldozer. Would you stop?
Fellas, this lady is stuck
with me, will you go away.
Bonnie baby, no! No! I
couldn't shake her off.
Wow, hey Sarge, do you
think she's still in love with you?
Of course, why else would
she call me from Washington?
Let me see, I've gotta get
to Washington this weekend.
How?
I've got it, those trucks at
the Aberdeen proving ground.
What about 'em? What about 'em?
They haven't gotten here.
I think it's a crying shame.
Since we need them
so desperately, don't we?
No. Well, of course we do.
I personally I'm going up
there to see that they get here.
Sarge, but what about
Washington? Washington?
Aberdeen is just a few miles
from Washington, well, huh?
Oh that poor girl 14
years without Bilko,
she must be a
clawing savage by now.
Major Lukens.
Pvt. Larsen, you startled me.
What, what is it Private?
What is it? What is it?
Sgt. Bilko requests
permission to see you.
Bilko? Oh dear.
Send him in, send
him in. Yes, Sir.
Major Lukens, Sir.
Don't shout, Sergeant.
I understand Major
and believe me Sir,
the men of Fort Baxter realize
the terrific strain
you've been under, Sir.
Well, with your
double duty as C.O.
and Special Services Officer.
As a matter of
fact, the men marvel
at the strength and fortitude
you've displayed in the 36 hours
that the Colonel
has been gone, Sir.
37 hours and 22 minutes.
Well what did you wanna
see me about Bilko?
Well, Sir our motorized
operating capacity
is in a state of crisis, Sir.
We simply do not
have enough vehicles
to operate this post at
its peak efficiency, Sir.
Bilko, if that's all that's
bothering you please...
But Sir, those
new trucks of ours
have been standing up
there at Aberdeen, Sir.
Well, I'm willing to cancel
any plans I have this weekend
to go up there personally
and supervise their delivery.
Why, it's shocking, Sir.
Suppose the enemy
should strike there...
Bilko please...
Would you just
sign this pass, Sir?
I could be in Aberdeen bright
and early Saturday morning, Sir.
Bilko, I am trying to tell
you, that won't be necessary.
Won't be necessary?
Well Sir, isn't eternal vigilance
the price of liberty, Sir...
Sign that Sir...
- Bilko, those trucks
left Aberdeen this morning.
They should be rolling in
here sometime this weekend.
Oh they will, huh?
Isn't that splendid, Sir?
It's just a rotten
coincidence. That's all.
Yeah, I guess you better
forget about Washington
for this weekend, Ernie.
And break that love
starved girl's heart?
Are you nuts?
Hey Ernie, notices just
came for the bulletin board.
So what? Put it up
on the bulletin board.
It's the usual stuff see.
"Subject: Unidentified
Flying Objects..."
Now what do I care about
flying saucers at a time like this?
Put it on the bulletin board.
Wait a minute, "Post
Commanders will report
all authentic UFO
sightings to the Pentagon
where evidence is of
a substantial nature...
Post Commanders will report...
What is it Ernie?
The C.O. is authorized
to send any person who sees
an unidentified flying object
direct to the Pentagon. So?
So, this is my
ticket to Washington.
I get it, all you
have to do is report
you've seen a flying saucer
and you're on your way.
Oh no, no, it's not that simple.
The Major will immediately
become suspicious.
I've got to get someone
else to see it first,
someone who trusts me,
somebody in another platoon.
You better try someone
in another camp.
That's it Ritzik, he's a
bug on science fiction.
I'll tell him and he'll
go, ooh, ooh, ooh...
- Rupert! Rupert! What?
Rupert, put that
down that comic book.
I'm tired of looking at nothing
but the top of your head.
Oh leave me alone.
A man of your age shouldn't
be reading comic books.
These ain't ordinary
comic books.
They're all about space
travel in other planets.
What's wrong if I take a
healthy interest in astrology?
What's wrong if you take
a healthy interest in me?
I haven't seen you all day. You
don't even talk to me anymore.
I'm not a stick of
wood talk to me.
All right, what's new?
None of you business!
Rupert, put down
that comic book.
Look, how many conversations
do you want in one night?
Holy mackerel, I almost forgot!
How could I forget such a thing?
What? What is
it? What time is it?
6:00 o'clock. Good,
I'm just in time.
It's time for "Captain
Dan, Space Man.
Are you ready to blast off?"
Yeah! Yeah!
You can look at this stupid
program but I don't have to hear it.
I'm gonna turn down
the sound! Come in.
Well, good evening Mrs.
Ritzik. What do you want, Bilko?
He doesn't get paid
for another 3 days.
Oh really Mrs.
Ritzik I am surprised.
- This is purely a social call.
- Don't make me laugh.
Rupert, give me your watch.
- What for?
- Don't ask any questions.
Until Bilko leaves,
I'll hold the watch.
Really Mrs. R, you are a card.
Look out! Watch out!
He's gotta disintegrator pistol.
Oh I told him to watch out!
What's up? Game tonight?
Shh! I wanna watch this.
Oh, you're interested
in this stuff too, Ernie?
Are you kidding?
I never miss it.
Now fellows, this is Captain
Dan with the interplanetary
passwords, Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
What does that mean?
You promise you
won't tell anybody?
I promise.
It means, Crispy
Crunchies are good for yah.
Look Rupert I've got
to ask you something.
If I don't talk to somebody
I'll go out of my mind.
Well, if it's a touch
you're wasting your time.
Oh, no, it's nothing like that.
Now look... What is it?
No, it's just too ridiculous.
Come on out with
it, tell me Bilko.
Rupert are there really
such things as flying saucers?
Oh sure, there must be 1,000
people who've seen them.
1,001.
You mean you? Yeah.
When? Last night.
Are you sure because
I've been watching the skies
every night with my binoculars
and I haven't seen anything.
Where have you been looking?
In North. By the WAC barracks?
Yeah.
Well, last night I
was looking South.
Yeah. Around 2:00 o'clock, I...
Yeah, yeah come on tell me.
Well, I looked up in the sky and
saw these strange lights, see?
Yeah. And then I heard...
Strange voices.
Say that again.
Must be in code
Then the sounds disappeared,
I wanted to make sure
and I went out to investigate.
The strangest thing of
all there on the ground
where they had
been was this white...
Wait, I put some in an envelope.
Let me see.
I thought so, sugar.
Are you sure?
I'm a cook, ain't I?
Sugar? Yeah.
Why sugar?
Come on, you know
something. Out with it Rupert.
Yeah, I remember a picture I
once saw where these creatures
from outer space they
lived on nothing but sugar.
I remember the name now "The
Sweet Monster from Planet X."
Could this be?
Of course, movies don't
lie. They're not allowed to.
They've got a
Motion Picture Code.
Fantastic! Utterly fantastic!
Ernie, I'm surprised at you.
There's nothing too
fantastic in this atomic age.
Well, do me a favour
don't say this to anybody.
Tonight, you watch.
I wanna make sure that
these tired old eyes of mine
are not playing tricks on me.
Leave it to me, Ernie.
I'll clean up my
binoculars real good.
It feels good having a
scientist in the group.
I leave you with 3 letters, KNB.
What's KNB?
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Hey Ernie, Ernie I got you
the Washington newspaper,
get a load of that picture.
Miss Bonnie Morgan,
torrid torch singer,
now appearing at the D.C. Club.
Ain't she a beaut?
I've just got to get to
Washington this weekend.
- Did you get everything?
- Yeah, Sarge, I got the balloons.
I filled them with gas,
they'll go straight up.
Good, those will
the be flying saucers.
Here's the oscillator.
That's when the
flying saucers take off.
Great, Sarge, I got
the sugar. Good, good.
Sarge, what's the
tape recorder for?
Look, our little men from
Mars have to talk, don't they?
On a tape recorder?
Observe, 1, 2, 3,
4 testing, testing.
Now is the time for all good men
to come to the aid of the party.
My Bonnie lies over the
ocean and for a good measure,
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda.
Sarge, what was that
Klatu, Nikta, Baroda?
That's Martian talk for
Washington here I come!
Now, you'll hear the
Martian people talk.
I'll play the tape in reverse.
I get it. Great, Sarge.
Now look, in 3 hours,
here's what I want you to do...
See anything Ritzik?
Not yet. Oh let's go inside.
I'm cold.
Francis, keep your
eyes on the skies.
We've been out here for
over 2 hours where are they?
Have patience
they got a long trip.
Why would flying saucers
come over an Army camp
where they might get shot down?
Who knows, maybe
they haven't attained
our high degree of intelligence.
Come on in to sleep, it's late.
Oh leave me alone.
Tell your idiot friend to go
home and you come on inside.
Oh leave us alone.
Rupert! What?
Rupert! Rupert, listen.
Yeah, ooh, there
they are 1, 2, 3, uh!
We saw them. We saw them!
We saw them! Ooh, Ooh!
Ritzik, what's up? I saw
'em, Ernie! I saw 'em!
And Grover did too! Saw what?
3 bright silver flying saucers.
They went all the
way up in the air
until I couldn't
see 'em anymore.
Are you sure?
Of course, I'm sure
and then we found this.
Sugar, the Sweet
Monster from Planet...
this is getting' serious.
First thing in the morning
you report this to Major Lukens.
Yeah. And don't
tell him I saw them.
Why not?
I want you to get
full credit for this.
Thanks Ernie. You're a pal.
What's up, Sarge?
Why d'you ask us to
meet you down here?
Yeah, what happened?
Perfect, everything is
going according to plan.
Yeah, what did the Major
say when Ritzik told him?
He said it was the
most ridiculous thing
he ever heard of in his life.
You know the Major.
He worries, tonight he
won't think it's so ridiculous.
Same treatment Ritzik got?
Only with a little
something added.
What do you mean Sarge?
Tonight, the Major is
gonna see the first creature
from outer space to
land on earth, observe.
Oh creature?
How do I look?
Perfect, except for one
thing paint him green.
Oh Sarge. Now, now,
be nice little creature.
Flash your antennae.
Confound that Ritzik
and his wild-eyed stories.
I could have sworn
I heard something.
Now look here Lukens,
get hold of yourself.
You are a Major in the United
States Army, remember that.
That's better Lukens.
There they go, 1, 2, 3.
Give me the Corporal
of the Guard, hurry!
Hurry! Hurry! Corporal
do you see them?
Did you see?
Flying saucers,
Corporal 3 of them.
Well, confound it Corporal
look outside to the Northeast.
What do you see?
What do you see?
The stars, are you sure?
Just a minute.
Yes, you're quite right,
Corporal there's nothing there.
I, I must have been
having a nightmare,
or maybe it was that
meatloaf I had for dinner.
Thank you Corporal.
It's either the meatloaf
or I'm losing my mind.
Please, let it be the meatloaf.
- Come in. Come
in. Good morning, Sir.
How do you feel, Bilko?
Terrible Sir, I didn't
sleep a wink last night.
Neither did I.
Sir, I'd like to
ask a favor of you.
I know I've been
a pest around here
and you'll consider me
somewhat of a goldbrick.
Sir, I'd like permission
to report to the hospital
for a checkup, Sir.
Why? What's the matter?
Well Sir, it's either these
tired old eyes of mine
or my mind playing
tricks on me, Sir.
But last night I... oh
it's just too ridiculous.
Oh, no, no, no.
What is it, Bilko?
Well Sir, last night...
Promise you won't laugh, Sir.
I won't. What is it?
Well, I thought I saw these
strange lights in the sky, Sir.
Oh. And then I heard...
Hmmmmm!!
Yes.
And then there were
these strange voices Sir...
and I didn't recognize...
No, no, no. What's wrong Sir?
It wasn't the meatloaf.
You mean you saw
them too, Sir? Saw them?
One of the little monsters
was right outside my window.
Sir, we'll have to
report this immediately.
You know what the directive
says on the communication bulletin.
I already have, I've
phoned the Pentagon.
You didn't tell them
that you saw them, Sir?
No, not yet, I merely filed
a report on Ritzik's sighting.
Filed a report, Sir?
Don't you think this
is of major importance
that should be
reported in person, Sir?
I certainly do. Do
me a favor, Sir.
Please, you stay out of
this and let me handle it, Sir.
Why, Bilko?
But Sir, they are so skeptical
and you know how conservative
they are and with your
promotion coming up, Sir,
I don't think that they
should think of you...
You are right Bilko.
I'm going to let you and
Sgt. Ritzik handle this.
Wonderful, Sir, I'll go pack
and be off for
Washington immediately.
Washington? What for?
To report, Sir.
Bilko, that will
not be necessary,
an Army investigator
will be here this afternoon.
Investigator?
And I am going to see
that he interviews you
and Sgt. Ritzik immediately.
Now Bilko, tell him everything.
Everything Sir? You
mean about the...
Everything, Bilko.
But Sir, suppose
they don't believe me...
Don't worry Bilko.
They'll believe you.
They'll believe me. Yes Sir.
They'll believe
us. Nurse! Nurse!
Ernie, what does that mean
that they're keeping
us under observation?
It means you're cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Nurse! What do you want, Mac?
Look, I've got a date with
this dame in Washington
and I won't be able to make it.
- That's for sure.
- At least let me send a telegram.
- Give me a pencil.
- Sorry Mac, no sharp instruments.
I can't imagine why we
haven't heard from him.
From who? Captain
Dan, Space Man.
Oh shut up! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Hey fellows, I brought
you some company.
All right, right this way Mac.
Oh, it's one of them.
It's one of them!
Talk to him Ernie.
Say something, Ernie!
- But Sarge.
- Oh shut up!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:
Edward Andrews as Major Lukens.
Constance Ford as Bonnie Morgan.
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Beatrice
Pons as Mrs. Ritzik.