The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 13 - Bilko F.O.B. Detroit - full transcript

Excuse me Sir I've got some
requisitions for you to sign.

I'm not feeling very well Edna.

I think I’ll just sign
these and go home.

There's not much at all Sir.

Just these rosters and these
travel orders for Sgt. Bilko.

That's right, Bilko
has to go to Detroit

to pick up those new trucks.

I wish I could send someone
else but what can I do

he's Sergeant of the motor pool.

I'll see that these
rosters are distributed.

I hope you feel
better soon Colonel.



Thank you Edna.

Come in.

Good morning Sir, good morning,
oh stomach acting up again Sir?

Small wonder when one
considers the huge burden

of responsibility on
your shoulders Sir.

Quiet Bilko!

Now here are your
orders and the requisitions

for that convoy of trucks
you're to pick up in Detroit.

I want you and your
men back here in 2 days.

Sir I don't know if I should
go, with you in failing health.

Suppose you call for
me from your bedside,

Sir you reached out your
hand and I wasn't there.

Never mind, the
bedside manner Bilko.

I don't want a repetition
of what happened last year



when you went to Detroit.
You were gone a whole week.

Oh Sir those were
extenuating circumstances Sir.

Like the World Series.

The President of the company
had these spots at the ballpark

and he insisted that we go Sir.

Insisted? Nonsense.

Sir as much as we hated
to go, we had to consider

Army and civilian
relationships Sir.

Bilko you're not going to
Detroit as a goodwill ambassador.

I want you to pick up those
trucks and be back here in 2 days.

Sooner Sir, sooner
if humanly possible.

- Bilko!
- With you in this condition Sir

every moment away
from you will be torture Sir.

If there's anything we
can do, anything Sir.

- There is, Bilko.
- Just name it Sir.

You can be back in 2 days.

Oh really Sir, you're
a remarkable man.

Here you are your
body wracked with pain

and you take
time off for a joke.

- No wonder the men all love you.
- That will be..

Out there they worship you sir.

- That will be all Bilko.
- Yes Sir.

- Remember 2 days.
- Yes Sir.

- Mullen press that suit.
- Yes Sir.

Dino, give me a
high buff, the kinda...

Sarge, I've got your
tuxedo it's all clean.

Give it to Henshaw
He'll pack it.

Here you are Sarge,
your sports jacket.

- With the pleats.
- Yeah...

- Pack it.
- Okay good boy.

Here are the tickets Ernie,
train reservations to Detroit.

Get 'em where I wanted between
the club car and dining car?

Check!

Well we won't have to
walk while we're travelling.

- Here're your tennis rackets Sir.
- In the truck.

Why don't you fix the cuticle...

- Look Ernie.
- What?

If the Colonel says you've
got to come back in 2 days,

what are you taking all
these stuff to Detroit for?

Yeah what are you going
to use for stall this time.

- Yeah, tell us.
- Yeah.

What is this panic
all over sudden?

UNIVAC up here will
think of something.

Ernie how are you
going to spin it?

I don't know Detroit
is near Canada,

I may arrange a border skirmish.

I don't know. I'll
think of something.

All right. All right.

I'll accept the fact that my son

has to be inducted
into the Army.

But the idea of
Roger K. Bellman Jr.

Being inducted as a
private is ridiculous.

A boy with natural
born leadership.

Get off this desk.

I won't have my son ordered
about by a lot of nincompoops.

All right, but I still think
it's a lot of nonsense.

Excuse me Mr. Bellman,
but the soldiers

from Fort Baxter are
here to pick up the trucks.

Well make them sign a receipt
and get them on the way at once.

Soldiers are natural loafers,
every minute they waste

is money out of the
taxpayers' pockets.

- That's right Dad.
- Well said junior.

You're beginning to
sound like a Bellman now.

Well what are you waiting for?

Get those soldiers
moving with the trucks.

Yes Sir.

All right men let's get
those trucks rolling.

Remember the Colonel
wants us back in 2 days

let's see if we can beat
that mark by a half a day.

Oh we're terribly anxious
to get back to camp.

Now what do we have
to do to get out of here?

Just sign this receipt.

Oh anxious, anxious
where do I sign?

Here?

Oh I'm sure
everything is all right,

but might as well make sure
that everything is 100% certain.

Let me see that measurement.
Oh it's just a formality.

We just go through this as a
matter of course you can under,

aah..down off the truck.

Everybody off the truck.
- What's the matter?

What's the matter indeed?

Those wheel bases are
a sixteenth of an inch off.

But we allow up to an
eighth of an inch tolerance.

Oh do you indeed - you allow?

You allow... you want
to jeopardize the lives

of the American soldiers
who ride those trucks.

Oh this is the one thing
that I wanted to avoid

staying in town overnight.

Call the Book-Cadillac hotel,

get the same reservations
we had last year.

Send the bill to the
Bellman Motor Company.

A sixteenth of inch, yeah I'm
afraid to ask any more questions.

- Did you look at the seats?
- I did.

- What are they?
- Plastic Sarge.

Look at me and tell
me you're laughing.

- Plastic.
- You're saying... Plastic seats?

How dare you?

You expect the men
who are defending you

and the rest of the nation,
to sit on plastic seats.

Keep the same line of girls as
at the Cha Cha Cha floor show.

Now look here Sergeant,
about those seats,

we found that plastic
is more durable.

Oh did you indeed?
Did you indeed?

May I assure you I was
sent here to bring back trucks

with leather seats and that's

just what I'm
going to bring back.

Find out if the Detroit
Tigers are playing in town.

But just Sgt. Bilko. Sarge
these windshield wipers.

Oh, I'm afraid to hear this.

- What about the windshield wipers?
- They work from the top.

- From the top?
- From the top?

But Sir the specification
states the windshield wipers

must work from the bottom.
Any school boy knows that.

Yes, you're right but
these are just as good.

Oh just as good indeed.

May I remind you,
you're discussing

United States Army vehicles?

What are you trying to bring
down on us, another Pearl Harbor?

What's this got to
do with Pearl Harbor?

Oh if you think you're
going to get vital information

out of me, you've got
another think coming.

Sarge, the oil
maintenance charts

are on the left side
of the steering wheel.

Let me, on the left side?

Oh I'm afraid to ask
any more questions

it was a sixteenth of
an inch, and the plastic...

Did you test the horn?
Let me hear the horn.

Beep beep! Beep beep!

- Oh no!
- What's the matter?

What's the matter that horn
has a distinct foreign sound?

It seems to be saying
Achtung, Achtung.

You guys make those
reservations for a week.

Well gentlemen I guess I've
given the Bellman Motor Company

enough work to keep
them busy for a week or so.

- Yes.
- Yeah, good boy Sarge.

We will just have to find
ways to amuse ourselves

while we're here and
then mmh, I think we can.

- What what.
- Here we go.

Here, here here.

Sergeant is always first,
remember that private.

Sergeant is first in
war, first in peace

and first in line
on the telephone.

- Well hurry up will you Sarge.
- What do you say?

All right relax.

Hello Diane baby your world
is just beginning I'm here.

Who is this?

Who is it that takes Detroit
and turns it into Paris for you?

Who?

Yes right, sugar lips
Bilko, you lucky girl.

Yes tonight 7 o'clock
show me no mercy.

Wear that same exotic perfume,

and baby same
indelible lipstick what?

All right baby see you then...
Quivering with excitement.

- I wanna see you.
- Oh Mr. Bellman.

Isn't a shame, those
trucks were a shade off?

But c'est la guerre, c'est la guerre!
- Bilko!

Personally I'd overlook
these small flaws,

but I'm just a soldier
under instructions Sir.

I... this must be your boy.

Well of course he
has to be your son.

Same steely blue
eyes, same chin,

ha ha ha chip off
the old block hey.

There's nothing
wrong with those trucks.

Now stop wasting
the taxpayers money

and get those trucks
back to your camp.

Mr. Bellman, may I
assure you my men and I

are very anxious
to get back to camp.

What is there to hold us here?

A strange city where we are
lonely and don't know a soul.

All right sugar
baby honey, darling.

Not during business
hours Paparelli,

you will talk to
your Mother later.

He is such a devoted son.

So you're going plan it
the way you did last year eh,

and stick me with
all those hotel bills.

Just doing my duty Mr. Bellman.

- Bilko, I...
- Dad, Dad, Dad...

Good thinking junior
that's a wonderful idea.

Junior had an idea.

All right, Bilko I'll
bring those trucks

right up to specifications.

Well I had every
confidence you would Sir.

Oh he is a strapping
boy, isn't he?

But while that's being done,

you're not going to have
a good time on my money.

You and your men, are going
to sleep right here in the factory,

I'll order the cots to be
put in the trucks, ehh?

Oh he is a chip
off the old block.

And you're eating your meals
right here too, in the cafeteria.

Oh he's a good boy,
he's growing isn't he Sir.

By jove junior with that kind of
thinking maybe you can show them

how to cut waste when
you go into the Army.

What's this junior
going into the Army?

Yes in 60 days.

Oh the Army can
use boys like him.

Oh I wish I could pull strings
to put him in my platoon.

Well you're not going to
have any holiday here, Bilko.

You asked for it and
you're gonna get it.

Come son.

I hope you enjoy your
stay in Detroit, ha ha ha!

- Give that kid a knuckle sandwich.
- Hold it, hold it.

This is no time for brawn,
this is a time for brains.

Yeah but Sarge
eatin' in the cafeteria.

Yeah, sleeping on cots.

For this we had
to come to Detroit.

- Come on lets go home.
- Look please.

Let me handle Bellman.

Have you forgotten
my little invention?

- The kit, the kit.
- Oh no.

That kit Sarge, that's no good.

But Sir the Pentagon
turned it down 6 times.

Look the Army maybe
too smart to use it

but Bellman that's
another thing.

Let me handle this.

In reply to your letter
of the 14th instant,

I wish to advise
you to... come in.

Mr. Bellman, excuse me for
being presumptuous enough

to come in this way but Sir

I couldn't contain
myself any longer.

I must shake your hand Sir.

Bilko what is this? How
can you barge in here.

I spent the greatest part
of my life in the Army Sir;

I never thought I would live
to see the day I find a man

who abhors waste
as much as I do Sir.

Bilko I think...

Oh yes at times I have
become discouraged.

I never thought
I'd find that man.

But Sir here you are and by
George I must shake your hand Sir.

What are you talking about?

Oh if you knew the joy I
experience in this vast forest

of bureaucrats to be
met by a man like you,

a man who has it in his power,

to become one of the
biggest men in the country.

Oh yes no heights are
too far for you to attain Sir

including the presidency Sir.

The Presidency? What
are you talking about?

Mr. Bellman, come
now you're much too shy.

You're the only man that
I can entrust with my plan.

- Plan, what plan?
- It's top, top secret Sir.

Oh yes I know she is there,
I noticed her all the time.

- How long has she been with you?
- For 30 years.

That's not long enough,
I'm sorry excuse me,

no offence this is just
a security clearance

and besides a
pretty girl like you

doesn't wanna be
bothered with dull business.

Thank you very much.

- Shhh.
- Hey Bilko...

- What are you up to?
- All right she is gone.

What are you doing here?

Will you tell me what
you're doing here?

You barge in here as
if you own the place.

Bilko what is this? What,
what are you doing?

Will you explain
what this is all about?

- Bilko we're alone.
- Sir, I can't be too careful.

If my plans fall into the
hand of an enemy company,

it can mean a
balance of power Sir.

What is this?

Well I will tell
you Mr. President,

Mr. Bellman, on what
part is the greatest part

of our military
budget spent Sir.

On the basic training
of new soldiers Sir,

an entirely unnecessary expense.

But how can you
eliminate basic training?

With the Bilko Do-It-Yourself
Basic Training kit.

- Do it yourself?
- Exactly Mr. President.

Mr. Bellman,
picture this if you will,

with each draft notice
that the draftee gets,

we include a kit... a kit that
enables him to take basic training

in his very own backyard Sir.
- I don't understand.

Why in 6 weeks, that
draftee reports for duty,

a seasoned campaigner Sir.
- But Bilko how can you?

How, how you use the word how,

no wonder you've
earned my admiration Sir.

Any other industrialist
would just be interested

in the millions of
dollars of profit involved.

- You really think that...
- But not you.

I know and the rest
of the country know

you're spurred on,
by patriotic motif Sir.

The service of your country
is more important to you

than anything in the world,
and when you move in

to 1600 Pennsylvania Av, to
the strains of Hail To The Chief.

And the screams of the adoring
crowds yelling in your ears,

we like Bellman, we like Bellman
we like Bellman, Bellman we like.

We like Bellman please.

Get me Mathews, get me
Harmon and Poindexter.

I want to call a
cabinet meeting,

I mean a Board of Directors
meeting immediately.

Right going Sir, I admire
the way you do things.

May I ask one more question?

What are your views
on a second term?

All right guys off with the
sheet and up on your feet.

Look alive, everybody.

You there you chowder
head, what are you waiting for?

Poached eggs in bed. Look alive.

Gentleman I assure you
a few mornings of this,

the draftee will feel like
a veteran of 6 months.

Not only that in the
induct... here, here no notes!

- I won't have any notes please.
- But I was...

Nothing on paper this
may fall into enemy's hands.

- Here eat this.
- Gentlemen please observe.

It does sound authentic
doesn't it gentlemen?

I assure you with this
type of conditioning

every rookie will
be a battle veteran

without leaving
his own living room.

Now gentlemen a few items we
enclose with each draftee's notice.

Here we have BB
gun and a target.

Every rookie a marksman.

Observe please a
hypodermic needle and serum

for do-it-yourself shots.

Now as you've
just seen gentlemen

we'll cut the medical
budget in half,

a saving of millions of dollars.

A saving of a
millions of dollars?

Fine man, excellent member of
your cabinet keep him in mind.

And now gentlemen I
think you will all agree

a very expensive item
is the soldier's uniform.

Yes indeed.

On that I can save
billions of dollars.

Yes, I know.

Oh yes we could
discuss that later.

Amazing
concentration... amazing.

Sergeant I don't understand
how you can save on uniforms.

Every soldier has
got to have a uniform.

Brilliant observation
and I have your answer.

Please observe, a
bolt of khaki, a pattern.

All right, you're making,
why? Is this man a citizen?

He's making notes
I don't want this.

But that's impractical.

You can't expect a draftee
to make his own uniform.

Bless you heart,
we thought of that

and with package
gentlemen we enclose

a sewing kit for
the draftees Mother.

Well gentlemen need I say more?

It now costs $8,000 for the
basic training of every soldier.

This kit can be put together and
sold to the government for only $300.

I repeat that $300. Have
you got the other items?

- Bilko?
- Sir.

At $300 is putting
it a little high.

Now I can deliver that kit
to the government for $ 285.

No I won't have this.

I won't have you
taking a personal loss.

Myself I don't care
it doesn't matter,

I'm willing to turn this item to
you with the token sum of $1.

- $1 well it's a deal.
- Get that in writing.

Oh wait, wait, just
a minute gentlemen,

this test that we're conducting

has to be a test that'll work.

We have to make some tests.

That's right we
have to make tests.

Brilliant man, be an
excellent Secretary of State.

Keep him in mind.

But, who, but who
can we test this on?

There is the problem, you
will have some young man

about to be inducted. A
young man we can trust.

Now wait a minute, my son.

You're so, of course
that handsome man,

well that's perfect
we can keep that right

within the secrecy of this room.

Fine, and I can observe
the test at firsthand.

Did you hear what I just heard?
This man is going observe this.

Is that brilliant, he
is going to take this

Do-it-Yourself Kit
alongside of his son.

Hold on we...

That's what you call
American business know how.

This is what I call
Presidential timber Sir.

But where shall we do this?
Yes where shall we do it?

We have to find an
average American home.

What type of place do
you have Mr. Bellman?

Oh 40 rooms, 14 baths,
swimming pool, stables.

That's average, excellent.
Cpl. Barbella, alert the men.

Tell him we're
leaving the factory

and moving into
Mr. Bellman's home.

But Bilko I don't see why you...

No, no you'll not
find us slackers.

If you're willing to take these
tests alongside your son,

we'll be there right alongside
you to supervise things.

All right you meatballs, off with
the sheet down with your feet.

All right that's much better
come on, everybody up, up, up.

All right fall in
for calisthenics.

Let's see what's next junior.

All right you
meatballs. Rifle drill.

All right, on the
double, on double.

Order! Right shoulder!

Left shoulder! Present!

Left shoulder!

What's the matter chowder head,

don't you know your right
shoulder from your left.

Point to your right shoulder.

Now point to your left shoulder.

Right steady it.

Right shoulder!

Left shoulder!

Hold it, hold it.

I said the left shoulder,
the left shoulder.

Yeah you chowder
head don't look so stupid.

He means you Dad.

You never work
your feet come on.

Hey you know Sarge..

Civilian life ain't bad.

We can live like this every day

if the Army would
loosen up a little.

Did I tell you just to leave it
to the old Sarge mah? ehh?

Gee, Ernie it was swell of
you to ask us over for the day.

Think nothing of it baby,

and go gently with that
oil, I freckle very easy.

Ernie what are we doing tonight?

Tonight, tonight, what
shall we do tonight?

We may have a moonlight
cruise, or a champagne supper.

I'll think of
something expensive.

Hey Sarge, look Sarge.

Go, go, go.

Whoop Whoop!

Hey Sarge, Bellman, Bellman.

Break it up, out, go!

Well gentlemen I see
you're getting ready

for your 15 mile hike.

Bilko what are
you doing in this?

Oh the bathing suit,
that's doctors’ orders.

You see the sun,
heals my war wounds.

Well, it says here 4 hours.

Isn't that a mistake?

Of course that's a mistake,
that's supposed to say 3 hours.

3 hours?

You take advantage of the
mistake; take the full 4 hours.

Okay as you were.

- In the pool.
- Well is this the life?

Is it the life?

Gee I lived in
Detroit all of my life,

and I've never been
anywhere like this.

She don't know the
right people eh Sarge?

Have no fear Bilko is here.

- Go Dino.
- That's my boy.

- Gentlemen, gentlemen please.
- Hold it, hold it down a little.

Hello.

Hello I want to
talk to Sgt. Bilko.

Who shall I say
is calling please?

Col. Hall.

Begging your
pardon sir, a Col. Hall.

Hold it, hold it
it's the Colonel.

- You know what to do.
- Hey Henshaw.

Hello Sir, it's awfully nice of
you to think of your boys Sir.

Where are you?

I'm at the factory Sir.

We are awfully
sorry about the noise.

Bilko why aren't you back
here with those trucks?

You're already 24 hours late.

Sir if I could just
tell you the disregard

this Bellman Company
has for Army specifications.

Sir it's appalling we've
been working day and night.

Last one in is a rotten egg!

What was that? It sounded
like a woman's voice.

Oh ah, but that was the
nurse at the factory Sir

distributing salt pills
for the heat exhaustion.

Oh what's the use of
talking about it now Sir.

We'll tell you all
about next week?

Next week?

Bilko I want you and your men
back here by tomorrow morning

or I'll have you picked
up by the military police.

But Sir, Colonel,
Sir there might.

That's it the honeymoons over.

- Break it up, everybody out.
- What's the matter?

Sarge, hey listen Sir,
what did the Colonel say?

All I heard was two
words, M.Ps all right kids.

All right go on. All right kids.

My, oh my, I can't do a thing.

What's next junior?

Bayonet practice, another day
of this, is going to kill me Dad.

Well don't worry junior.

This Do-It-Yourself
Kit is so complete

they'll probably have
provisions for you

to be buried at Arlington.

Mr. Bellman's residence.

Oh yes Sir.

It's for you Sir,
Gen. Worthington.

Hello Gen. Worthington,
glad to hear from you.

Did you get the specifications
for the new carburetor hook-ups?

Oh you liked them good.

Yes, I agree, this new
design is far superior.

Wait a minute, wait minute
I'll say goodbye to Mr. Bellman,

thank him for his hospitality.

Hey Sarge what are
you going to tell him about

the Bilko Do-It -Yourself
Basic Training Kit?

I'll tell him the deal is off.

I'll tell him the Russians
invented it in 1832.

Oh is Mr. Bellman in?

Yes Sir but he can't
be disturbed now Sir.

He's on the phone
with Gen. Worthington.

Gen. Worthington?

That's the General who
turned down my kit 6 times.

I better see about this.

Oh you liked the idea very much.

Yes it is an
innovation for the Army

and believe me General it
will save the Army millions.

50,000 units? Oh the
very least I would consider

is a half a million units.

Did you hear that,
the Army wants my kit?

Sarge, Sarge, I
don't understand.

You sent it in 6 times
they sent it back every time.

That's to show it's not what
you are, it's who you are.

Ah who cares they
bought it, they bought it.

- Yeah Ernie you're in the chips.
- What are you talking about,

did you forget I sold
it to him for a dollar?

Oh yeah.

But what are you
gonna do about it?

- What can I do?
- I'll try to get it back.

Come on.

Why don't you come to my office

and we can discuss
the matter more fully.

Good and by the way
General there's something else

that I want to
talk to you about.

Good we can finish all
our business then, goodbye.

All right Mr. Bellman I see
you're busy we can talk later.

Oh it's all right. I'm through.

Just working on a big deal
with the Army about carburetors.

Oh sure carburetors.

Well speaking of
carburetors, I mean kits.

I was just talking to my
accountants and they tell me

you made a real shrewd
move buying the name

of my Bilko Basic
Training Kit for only a $1.

Just the name?

What did you expect for a $1,

I mean that's less
than 10 cents a word,

you can't even
send a wire for that.

Oh you're shrewd...

But now let's talk business.
- What business Bilko?

Well now that you
bought the name,

you might want to buy
the manufacturing rights,

and distributions rights,
the advertising, the goodwill.

Bilko I own that kit,
lock stock and barrel.

And if you try any
monkey business with me,

I will have you
thrown in jail for fraud.

Fraud? Fraud.

Come in.

Mr. Bellman I'm here to
right a terrible wrong Sir.

Bilko there is no use arguing
with me, you sold me that kit.

Good heavens Sir, I will
be the first one to admit it it,

but what I sold you
wasn't mine to sell Sir.

What are you talking about?

Sir you are the possessor
of stolen property.

That kit wasn't invented by me,

it was invented by
a young scientist.

Dr. Doberman would
you come in please?

What you stole the kit?

Yes Sir, and it's been
on conscience Sir

and I can't go through with it.

I'm ready to do the
honourable thing,

I will give you
back your dollar Sir.

And then you can
do your business

with Dr. Duane Doberman Sir.

Well, how considerate of you.

And tell me Dr. Doberman,

how much do you want
for your brilliant invention.

A mi, mi, million dollars.

Now you see, he
is not the easy mob

to do business
with that I am Sir.

What do you say Mr. Bellman?

Well if everything
you say is true Bilko,

there's only one thing I can do.

- Oh good Sir.
- Send you to jail for fraud.

- Fraud Sir?
- Yes, fraud.

I don't under...

You came here with this kit
and your sold it to me for $1.

- Yes Sir but...
- Then you bring this scientist here

and you tell me
he invented the kit

and he wants a million dollars.
- That's what he wants.

You stole that kit from him

and he wants a million
dollars that's fraud.

Fra, what do you want
with a million dollars.

Mr. Bellman you're absolutely
right about these carburetors.

I think a half a million
makes much more sense.

Fine then we can go
into production at once.

And now General
there's something else

I wanna talk to you about.

And I'm sure when
you hear this idea,

you will be just
as excited as I am.

Really? I'm anxious
to hear about it.

All right General here goes.

Now I want you to picture 5
million, no make it 10 million.

- Come in.
- Louder Paparelli, louder.

Sir you wouldn't listen to me,

but the tears of a
broken hearted mother.

Would you, she is to
overcome to talk now.

Outside Mother out.

Wait a minute soldier come here.

Nothing you do is gonna
make me change my mind.

Now for the last time
will you get out of here.

Perhaps I can appeal
to the General Sir.

Appeal to me?

Yes Sir, I know I'm
just a poor soldier,

just a regular Army Sergeant

who is about to lose
his brainchild Sir.

Don't pay any
attention to him General.

Bilko will you please
get out, of here.

- Bilko!
- Yes Sir, Sgt. Ernest Bilko Sir.

From Fort Baxter Kansas.

Does the General know me Sir?

- So you're Bilko?
- Yes Sir.

Well I'm certainly
glad to see you.

Mr. Bellman, I know
you won't believe this,

but this man has the most
ridiculous idea you ever heard of.

A Do-it-Yourself
Basic Training Kit.

He keeps sending it
to us in Washington.

Nobody but an idiot
would take it seriously.

A Do-It-Yourself
Basic Training... ha, ha!

Well Sergeant what did
you want to talk to me about?

Nothing Sir, absolutely nothing.

Mr. Bellman, now we
can get back to business.

What's this new exciting idea
you wanna talk to me about?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Sir while we were in Detroit,
all we thought of is one thing

getting back here to
our sick Colonel Sir.

That was all that was on our...

Bilko I'm not interested in
your version of what happened.

I'll deal with you later.

Right now I want to
inspect those trucks.

Where are the trucks?

- Trucks?
- The trucks.

Oh Sir, have you
ever seen it fail.

Have you ever seen it fail?

The very thing we went to
Detroit for would you believe it?

Bilko, would you help me.

Oh don't give it
another thought Sir,

I will be right back in Detroit

and I'll have those
trucks here in quick time.

Bilko!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

John Silo is Marcel Boudreaux,

Suzanne Hovey as Mrs. Boudreaux,

and Sandy Kenyon as Charlie.