The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 11 - Lieutenant Bilko - full transcript

Good morning! Good
morning! Good morning!

Oh, what a lovely morning
and you look lovely my dear.

Jack, what on earth's
gotten into you?

Oh what a beautiful day!

This is the beginning
of the most beautiful day

that ever dawned.

- May I have this dance dear?
- Jack! Jack!

Jack, you're acting as though
you're going to be made General.

Better than that. At 12:00
o'clock noon tomorrow,

Bilko's enlistment is up
and he's leaving the Army!

What? Oatmeal? I
don't want oatmeal.



This is a morning
for griddlecakes,

and sausages, and
syrup and lots of butter.

But Jack your stomach.

With Bilko leaving, I could
eat nails and feel good.

Don't you understand
Nell, Bilko is leaving.

Jack. Jack.

- Morning Ernie.
- Here's your breakfast, Sarge.

I hope you slept okay.

Sleep okay, how can you
sleep okay, bugles blowing

at 6:00 o'clock in the morning,

men drilling, marching
outside, you in the...

Well, thank heavens
it'll all be over soon.

Well, that's what would
like to talk to you about Ernie.

Just save your breath.



But Ernie, how are we
gonna get along without you?

You just have to muddle
through somehow.

I've done more than my share.

I gotta to think of
myself once in a while.

The toast is cold, please.

After all, am I not entitled
to the comforts of life, finally?

Listen Sarge, when a
guy has been in the Army

as long as you have, you know,

you can get lost
in civilian life.

Eisenhower and
MacArthur did all right.

Listen Sarge, it ain't just
for ourselves I'm talking.

It's for the whole platoon.

Sarge, they're
taking it pretty hard.

2 lumps, please.

They're all choked
up inside, Ernie.

Take this, will you Rocco?

- Sarge.
- Dino, you've been crying?

Sarge, there's something
we want you to hear, Fender.

"We, the undersigned,
hereby urge you,

Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko to
reconsider your decision

and sign up for another hitch.

Your departure would
leave an empty place

in the hearts of the undersigned
which could not be refilled.

So, we, hereby urge you,
do not leave us, Sgt. Bilko."

Well, I must say, this
is all very touching.

Now I know how
George Washington felt

when he had to say
goodbye to his troops.

- I've pressed your suit, Sarge.
- Good boy, Duane.

Will you iron out my shirts?

Duane, iron out my shirts.

I can't Sarge. I can't
touch your shirts.

Every stroke of the iron

takes you farther and
farther away from me.

Come on, you've gotta be brave.

Before I met you I
was nothing but a slob.

Come on Duane
you're much too modest.

You did most of it yourself.

Now promise me you'll be brave.

So you won't change
your mind, huh, Sarge?

Look, fellows, I'm
gonna miss you all.

- But I just gotta do it.
- So that's your last word, huh?

Fellas, look alive!

My discharge is in
the works already.

Face it! Try to understand.

I'm on my way out. Please Sarge.

He's on his way out!

Sir, here's a complete
file on Sgt. Bilko

along with his discharge.

Everything is okay
except for one thing.

Yes, what's that?

Well Sir, during World War Il,
a small company in Manhattan

had to be moved from one
end of the Marianas to the other.

Go on.

The mission called for
the leadership of an officer

and since no officer
was present, Sgt. Bilko

was given a temporary
commission of Lieutenant.

Yes.

Well, I don't know
how it happened,

but the temporary commission
was never cancelled.

Somebody goofed
you mean this Bilko

- is really Lieutenant Bilko?
- That's right Sir.

Well, teletype the Personnel
Officer at Fort Baxter,

ask him to have Sgt.
Bilko sign form 519.

That'll cancel his
Lieutenant's commission

and complete our
records. Yes Sir.

Hey Marconi, drop everything.

Get this out on the wire,

like a good boy on
the double look alive.

Okay, shoot.

All right, to Miss
Mildred La Plante,

care of the stage
entrance, Latin Quarter,

New York City, New York.

Dear Mildred, arriving
at 7:30 at Idlewild...

You're not writing.

Ernie, how many
times am I gotta tell ya,

no personal messages.

If somebody finds
out, I'm in trouble.

Oh yeah, that's right,
you could get in trouble.

Remember that Rocco
and tell nobody but nobody

about the two-tone paint
job we did on Grover's car

he's liable to get
somebody in trouble.

Oh Ernie...

And Henshaw you know those 4
new white wall tires that came in,

you better ship 'em back.
- Yes Sarge.

We're liable to get in trouble
if we put them on Grover's car.

Okay, Ernie. What's the message?

Miss Mildred La Plante...

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

There's something
coming in over the wire.

Say, it's about you
Ernie, from the Pentagon.

It's probably from
the Chief of Staff

begging me to stay in the Army.

Marianas Island, 1943,
commission as temporary Lieutenant,

Sergeant. E. Bilko.

Ernie, you were
once a Lieutenant?

Yeah, for about 2 hours.

Have Sgt. Bilko sign form 519.

What's a 519 for?

To release commission
as temporary Lieutenant.

Release?

Wait a minute, I'm
still a Lieutenant then.

You never signed a release?
I never signed a release.

I've been a
Lieutenant since 1943!

- Pencil!
- What do you want a pencil for?

- Pencil! Pencil!
- Here, here, here.

What, what's a
Lieutenant's salary?

- 220 a month base pay.
- $220 base pay!

Base pay that's $60 a month more

than I make as a
Master Sergeant.

That means they owe me
$60 a month since 1943.

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

Take it easy, Sarge.

- Can I have a paper?
- Here. Here.

- Pencil! Pencil! Pencil!
- Here.

Let me see, $60 a month from 19..
How many months were in 1943?

- There are 12.
- 12.

- Hey Ernie, I just figured it out.
- What? What?

If you were a
Lieutenant since 1943,

that means you got seniority!

- Bless you!
- He's right!

Instead of getting 220 a
month, you'd be getting 340!

Splendid! Pencil!

- Give me another pencil!
- I've got no more pencils.

He's lying! He's lying!
He's trying to cheat me!

Hey Sarge! Sarge!

Look Sarge, look I
just found a crayon!

I won't forget you
gave me the crayon.

- All right.
- Don't you'll ruin the wall!

I'll get you another wall.

1943, 1944 what
comes after 1944?

- 1945.
- 1945!

Wait a minute Ernie.

The difference is $120 a month.

120 times 12.

That, that's $1,400 a year.

- You're sure?
- Holy smokes!

For only 10 years to
1,400, that's $14,000.

I'll settle! I'll settle!

Wait a minute, Sarge,
don't be a sucker!

It comes out
better than $20,000.

He's trying to cheat me!
You're trying to cheat me!

Ernie listen! Ernie listen!

The Government owes me $20,000.

Ernie, Ernie!

Will you calm down,
stop being so excited.

You ain't gonna get
any of that money.

He's with Grover!

- They're both against me.
- No.

You're the only friend
I've got, Henshaw.

- Stick with me Henshaw.
- Wait Ernie! Wait!

Wait Ernie, I think I
know what Rocco means.

You can't get any of that money

because you're leaving the Army.

Who's leaving the Army?
How dare he say a thing?

Me leave the Army? Never!

What kind of a soldier
do you think I am?

- I am re-enlisting.
- Yaay!

Don't forget this
is a send-off party.

We've gotta send
him off with a smile

- Here's the cake.
- Hey put it on the table.

How's the punch? I don't know.

It needs something.
It needs lemon.

Doberman, when
you made the punch

I told you to put lemon into it.

- But I did put lemon in it.
- You didn't.

- I did.
- You didn't.

Wait, I'll show you.

- See?
- I apologize.

- Bilko is coming!
- Bilko is coming!

All right fellows, get in line.

Are you all ready?

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,

For He's A Jolly Good
Fellow but nobody...

Well, isn't anybody
gonna say anything?

I've re-enlisted!

That's right fellas,
it's the real thing.

From now, it's Lt. Bilko.

That's right, he's
got a commission.

- Commission? Lieutenant?
- You mean you joined the enemy?

Here's what happened, oh
come on! Knock it off fellas.

Relax, at ease. At ease!

- Paparelli!
- Yes Sir, right Sir.

No, no Dino,
nothing has changed.

Fender, will you tell
Paparelli he can relax.

Yes Sir!

Pvt. Paparelli, the
Lieutenant wishes me

to inform you
that you can relax.

- Yes Sir, very good Sir.
- I explained Sir.

Oh no, fellas.
Nothing has changed.

Your old friendly Sergeant

is now your old
friendly Lieutenant.

Doberman, you understand,
nothing has changed.

It's like old times.

Yes, Sir it's just
like old times Sir.

If the Lieutenant
says so, yes Sir.

What are you gonna
do with guys like this?

Let's face it Sarge, as long
as you're wearing that uniform,

that's what you can expect.

Is that what's
bothering you fellas?

You think a couple of
bars are gonna change

the soul and character of a...

well, when you're
dealing with children,

you've got to teach them.

Here, get rid of
this, will you please.

All right, here it is,
same old Ernie, all right?

Sarge, I don't get
it. What happened?

Who put you in for Lieutenant's
Commission, the Colonel?

The Colonel? Colonel
doesn't even know

I re-enlisted and
don't anybody tell him.

I wanna save that
surprise for myself.

I don't know, with
you as an officer,

things just won't be
the same around here.

You can say that again.

With me in there
fighting for you,

this will no longer
be Fort Baxter.

What do you mean?

This will be known
as Fort Paradise.

How I fought for you
as a lowly Sergeant,

imagine what I could
do for you as an officer?

A Lieutenant, huh? Huh?

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow...

At ease men! At ease.

I don't wanna
interrupt your party.

My boy, I just came in to
wish you the best of everything,

the very best!

Thank you, Sir. Thank
you very much, Sir.

"Goodbye Ernie.
We'll miss our Sarge."

My boy, you've made a momentous
decision, a momentous decision.

Yes Sir, I'm aware of that Sir.

But I'm sure you'll
never regret it.

Mrs. Hall and I got you a
little gift as a remembrance,

something suitable
to the occasion.

A traveling bag, Sir, I don't
know how to thank you enough.

This traveling bag
expresses my sentiments

better than any
words I can think of.

Sir, this gesture of yours,
sir it will stay with me forever.

It will give me a feeling
of togetherness, Sir.

And so now, comes
the time to say goodbye.

But I won't say goodbye,
it will make us all too sad.

But Sir, if you just
wait just a moment,

I have a little
surprise for you too.

- Excuse me.
- Well, get on with the party boys.

Let's all be cheerful.

Let's not show Ernie
how we really feel.

Yes Sir.

- Sir, how do I look, Sir?
- Why?

Why, you look fine
my boy, just fine!

I understand, it's the
wish of every enlisted man

to put on an officer's uniform.

But you'd better take it off,

it's against
regulations you know.

Sir, it's not against
regulations for me

to wear this uniform Sir,

because you see
Sir, I am a Lieutenant.

Oh that's funny, very funny!

We're gonna miss
your jokes, Bilko.

Sir, you don't
seem to understand.

I have been a
Lieutenant since 1943.

You've been a what? Since when?

Bilko, you get out of
that uniform at once.

Col. Hall, this a
ridiculous mistake.

Sgt. Bilko was
supposed to sign form 519

in order to release a temporary
commission he once held.

I didn't bother you with it
because it's a routine matter.

Sir, begging the Captain's
pardon, but I know my rights.

If I don't sign that release,
Sir, I'm still a Lieutenant.

Is, is, is that possible?

I, I, I don't know Sir.

It might very well
be. That is technically.

I, I'll check on it Sir.

Oh no! No!

It's a bad dream! A bad dream!

Did you call me Colonel?

Yes, what's holding up
my call to the Pentagon?

All the circuits are busy, Sir.

- It should come through soon.
- Well, keep after them.

I've got to drive
out to the airfield

and meet Gen.
Williams in 10 minutes.

Yes Sir. There's a
Mr. McCready to see you.

A Mr. McCready, I don't
know any McCready.

He says he's from the
Ace Construction Company.

Oh well, send him in.

But keep after that
call to the Pentagon.

Yes Sir.

I wanna settle this Bilko
affair before any trouble starts.

How do you do Colonel?

I've got all the estimate
figures and plans

for the whole layout
just as ordered,

the tennis courts and
the swimming pool.

Now Colonel, the
specifications call

for the usual rectangular shape,

but what you want is a
kidney shaped swimming pool.

I want a kidney
shaped swimming pool?

I knew you'd go for it Colonel.

- We'll start digging tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

And I must say that you
have wonderful foresight.

This will be the first Army
installation in the country

to have 18 tennis courts and a
kidney shaped swimming pool.

Bilko! Bilko!

What's happened to that
call from the Pentagon?

The circuits are
still tied up, Colonel.

Well, get them untied. Tell
them it's a top priority call.

Tell them the whole
military structure

is in danger of crumbling.

I think it's coming
through now Sir.

Hello, they're ready
Sir. Thank heavens!

Maybe there's still
time to save Fort Baxter.

Now Colonel...

And I don't want a
kidney shaped anything.

Hello, Major Bradley,
about that Bilko matter.

I want that cleared up.

You mean he refused
to sign form 519?

Well, no. I don't know
what to do about it.

As a matter of fact that
isn't even my department.

I'll put you through to
somebody who can help you.

Yes, yes, Col. Hall I
understand your problem.

But that's not my department.

Now let me connect you
with the First Division Officer.

So you see Colonel, there's
nothing I can do about it.

That's not my department.

Now I'll put you
through to somebody...

Never mind.

Pentagon, how does a
spy ever find anything out?

- About Gen. Williams...
- Good heavens!

I'm late already. I was
supposed to pick him up.

- Is my car outside?
- That's just it Sir.

- Your car is not available.
- Not available?

- Why not?
- Lt. Bilko took it.

Bilko? Bilko took my car?

Yes, Sir. He said
it was important.

Important? You send
the M.P.s after him.

- Yes Sir.
- If I know Gen. Williams

he's out there now
waiting to blow his top.

And then the second fella says,

what do you think my
wife is, a kangaroo?

That's the one, I've got
to remember, Lieutenant.

I, I am terribly sorry
about not meeting you, Sir.

Oh don't give it another
thought, Colonel.

We all have our busy
days but what I say is

if a man can't do a job himself;

choose the right man to do it.

And you certainly did. I did?

Oh yes, thank you Sir.

I had the most enjoyable
trip from the airport.

Thank you again, Lieutenant.

Sir, it was my pleasure and
as I explained to the General

I am unassigned at the moment.

If there's anything I can
do Sir, any assignment at all,

I will deem it a privilege
and an honour, Sir.

Thank you Lieutenant.
I'll remember that.

Wait a minute, how
does that go again?

He says, "What do you
think my wife is, a kangaroo?"

Excuse me.

That's a bright young Lieutenant
you have there, Colonel.

I'll bet you wish you
had more like him.

There aren't any
more like Bilko.

When they made him
they threw away the mold.

- Here, have a chair, General.
- Well, thank you.

Well, Colonel I guess you'd
like to know why I am here.

I need a trustworthy man to
carry out a scientific mission,

a man of courage, of
stamina, of the highest integrity.

- That's why I've come to you.
- I'm honoured, General.

For the moment, the
mission must remain secret,

but once accomplished
there will be glory,

acclaim and a
possible promotion.

Well, a man's duty
is all that's important.

Nevertheless, the spotlight
will be thrust upon him.

He will become
a national figure.

Exactly what is it you want
this man to do, General?

I want him to go
up in a balloon,

30 miles into the ionosphere.

30 miles?

Yes, higher than any
man has ever been before.

Ye... yes that's pretty high.

Yes, and at that height, who
knows what might happen.

- It could be dangerous.
- Yes, I suppose it could.

So needless to say, I need

a strong, young
man to go up there.

Yes, yes a strong, young man.

Oh, if I were only
20 years younger.

Who would you suggest, Colonel?

- Well, let me see...
- Say, what about that Lieutenant?

Bilko? Bilko?

- Come in.
- Lt. Bilko reporting, Sir.

- At ease, Lieutenant.
- Thank you, Sir.

Lieutenant I sent for you because
I have an assignment for you.

An assignment,
this is a surprise Sir.

But I'm at your service.

Colonel, do you wanna
take over from here?

No, no you go ahead
General. I'll just listen.

Lieutenant, the Colonel
and I, we're about to look

at some films, we'd like
for you to see them too.

Well, splendid Sir.

These films were taken by a
mechanically operated camera

placed in the tail of a rocket
which was sent up 22 miles.

Colonel, would
you get the lights.

Would you like me
to take notes, Sir?

- Good idea.
- All right.

- Watch closely, Bilko.
- Yes, Sir.

Now there you see the rocket

as it takes off for
the stratosphere.

Here inside the rocket,
you see the white mice.

Notice how helpless
they are inside this tube.

You see at this high altitude,
gravity is considerably reduced.

Very interesting, Sir and
very educational I might say.

Lieutenant, that was
Operation Stratosphere.

We are now ready to go
with Operation Ionosphere.

This time, along
with the animals,

we are going to send up a man.

A man, splendid, I'll
make a note of that, Sir.

Which brings us to the point...

Excuse me General,
may I take over now?

By all means, Colonel.

- Well Bilko, here are your orders.
- Yes Sir.

Tomorrow morning at 0600,
you will put on a pressurized suit

and get into the balloon with
the monkeys and off you go.

0600, very good Sir. Sir.

Splendid officer, such
courage such cooperation.

Wait.

A balloon with monkeys?

Oh sure, me go up
in a balloon, huh?

That'll be the day. Hmm.

Colonel John T. Hall.

Dear Sir, I regret that
compelling personal reasons

force me to resign my
commission as Lieutenant.

Ernest, shame on you!

Are you gonna crawl
away from this challenge

like a gutless coward?

Ernie, you jerk,
what are you doing?

Play it smart!
Finish the letter!

Do it the Bilko way.

Bilko way?

You know what that
stands for Ernest?

Conniving, skullduggery,
hornswoggling.

Come on, don't listen to
that goody-goody boy, Ernie.

Look, we've always
done all right,

letting the other
fellow do the dirty work.

Dirty work!

That's the way it's always
been with you, Ernest.

But now we have a chance
to wipe the slate clean.

Think of it, Ernest.

A Bilko risks his
life for science.

A Bilko becomes a national hero.

A picture of Bilko screams
from the front pages.

The name is engraved
in the hearts of men

and purred from
the lips of women.

This is the chance
of a lifetime Ernest.

And remember, if you don't
do it you'll lose the $20,000.

I'll do it! I'll do it!

Hey, what are you doing?

Leave me alone!

You heard him
Sergeant, leave him alone!

Come on! Hey up!

Oh Lt. Bilko.

Here is your man
Professor Wohlstetter,

please brief him
on the operation.

Good show.

Lt. Bilko, you can't know
what this day means to me.

I've devoted 14 years
of my life to this project.

It means so much
to me to find out

if a man can exist
in the ionosphere.

It means quite a
bit to me too, Sir.

Dr. Wohlstetter,
take-off minus 4.

Do you want me
to finish loading?

- Yes, immediately.
- Yes Sir.

Now Lieutenant, everything
works automatically,

but there are certain
safety precautions

you must remember in
case something goes wrong.

- Yeah.
- Something goes wrong?

Certainly, anything
could happen.

Now listen carefully Lieutenant,

trouble may start at
the altitude of 80,000 ft.

In the event of an emergency,

press button no.1 on
the instrument panel.

Oh button no.1,
that will get me down.

No, that will save
the mice. The mice?

Then wait 10 seconds
and press button no.2.

Button no.2, that
will get me down?

No. That'll save the monkeys.

The mice and monkeys go first.

Then I wait 10 seconds
and I press button no.3.

Right, and that will be the
most important thing of all..

..the camera, now
let me check your suit.

Professor, the monkeys and
the mice are ready to be loaded.

Good, good. Get
them on, get them on.

Yes Sir.

Sir, I don't wanna be picky but
the panel only shows 3 buttons.

That's right, why?

What about a button
for me to get me down,

you know a parachute?

From the ionosphere,
in a parachute

it's out of the question.

A parachute will
be torn to shreds.

That's a chance we have to take.

- We have...
- Take-off, minus 2 Doctor.

Well, well, Bilko, you
became an officer just in time.

If you were a Sergeant,
you wouldn't have this honor.

Just think in a few hours

you'll be flying out
to the unknown.

Sir, I just thought, I should
tell officer, I get air sick.

- I'd be no good up there,
Sir - Take-off minus 1.

- Good, let's get started.
- Professor Wohlstetter!

Wait! Don't go. Don't go.

- He don't want us to go.
- No, no, Dr. Wohlstetter,

w-w-we can't send this
man up in that balloon.

Thank heavens I
discovered it in time.

What is it, doctor? This
is Dr. Parker my assistant.

How are you doctor? We're
glad to see you, doctor.

Yeah, but we have to
postpone the flight indefinitely.

Postpone it? But why?

Well, we miscalculated
on the pressurization

in the cabin of the gondola.

Oh what a disappointment,
are you sure I can't go?

The whole operation has to
go back to the drawing board.

Oh darn!

It may take years before
we can attempt it again.

Years?

Oh Sir, make them let
me go up there, it's unfair.

It's unfair to deprive
me of the honour

of being the first man to go
up into the ionosphere, Sir.

I admire your
courage, young man.

Dr. Parker, what about
Lt. Bilko for our ocean test?

- Splendid idea.
- We have another project underway.

We are going to send
a man in a diving bell

to the floor of the ocean
in order to ascertain

the amount of pressure
the human ear can stand.

What, what? What I
didn't even get you.

I don't understand what
they're talking about, Sir.

I only know about ionospheres.

Oh Sir, please make them send
me up into that ionosphere, Sir.

- Col. Hall.
- Hello Cpt. Barker.

Anything new on the Bilko case?

There must be some way we
can get him to sign that release.

Hey yes Sir.

Colonel about Bilko's back
pay as a temporary Lieutenant;

I've gotten all the
figures together.

Are you sure that these
figures are correct?

Positive Sir, I checked
and double checked.

This is too good to be
true. Too good to be true!

Oh but it is Sir.

Although a Lieutenant
gets a higher salary,

a master Sergeant
makes out better.

He doesn't have to
pay for his uniforms,

his meals, for
rent or travelling.

Over a period of years
that money adds up.

You mean that Bilko actually
owes the government $6,000

if he remains a Lieutenant?

Exactly Sir. Is there
anything else, Colonel?

Yes, give me that release
and tell Bilko to come in.

Yes, Sir. Come in Lt. Bilko.

Oh how nice that is to
hear you say, Sir, Lt. Bilko.

I must say it warms
my heart Sir to know

that you have finally
accepted me as a fellow officer.

But I understand the
resistance you showed

was only natural, Sir.

Yes I did show a little
resistance Lt. Bilko.

Ernie, Sir. But let
bygones be bygones.

All right, Sir.

Oh by the way, there
is a financial accounting

the Government
has to make with you.

Oh yes, something, some
paltry $20,000 or so, Sir.

That's right, $20,000
minus a few deductions.

Oh deductions, oh well.

Yes, you owe the government
a paltry $6,000, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant who? Me?

No, no, not me Sir. I
was a, just temporary.

No Sir, I'll sign the release.

If you just give me the
release Sir, I'll sign it.

Well, now I wouldn't
wanna cheat you

out of what's rightfully yours.

But Sir, I don't mind, I'll
sign it with my own pen, Sir.

And don't worry, Sir.

I have my Sergeants
uniform ready.

I'll have it pressed
and get right into it, Sir.

Oh no, no, no Bilko.

Now go out into the bright
new world and make your mark.

- Sir...
- Congratulations Bilko.

I know you'll make
an excellent civilian.

But Sir, you don't understand.
I haven't left the Army.

I've re-enlisted.

We'll be together
another 3 years, Sir.

Sir I can understand.
Cry it out, Sir.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

John Boruff as General Williams.

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Nick Saunders as Lt. Barker.

And Ralph Stantley
as Mr. McCready.