The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 10 - Bilko Buys a Club - full transcript
If you'll just make yourselves
comfortable gentlemen
Mr. Crowe will be
back in a few minutes.
Thank you Miss. We'll wait.
We're in no hurry and
thank you for your hospitality.
It's been very... where
is the map, come here.
There it is, that's the place
I was telling you about,
Twin Oaks Flats, the future
home of Bilko's Club Rendezvous.
But Sarge, that's
the old artillery range,
right outside of camp!
That's in the middle of
nowhere. That's the beauty of it.
- No M.Ps, no policemen.
- No customers.
Yeah.
They'll be plenty of customers,
once the word gets around
about the good food we
serve, the toe tapping music,
and if someone starts a game
of chance in the backroom.
Well, I can't be every place at
once now can I? What! What!
Hey, Sarge, there will be a Club
Rendezvous will need an M.C.
I do that sort of stuff.
- Oh do you?
Picture this.
The lights go down the band
gives me one of those "Hello",
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your M.C for the
night, Fielding Zimmerman,
I just flew in from the coast
and boy are my arms tired.
Made a couple of pictures,
one like this, one like this.
The pictures were never
released, they escaped.
Okay, Zimmerman,
you convinced me.
You park the cars.
Hey Sarge, can I
be the M'aitre de.
Zis way madame, may I
recommend ze chow mein, ooh la la!
- I didn't know you spoke French.
- Yeah.
Very good, you
park the foreign cars.
Now look, the important thing
is when Mr. Crowe gets in here,
don't show any interest
in Twin Oak Flats,
that's all he's got to see.
He'll jack up the price.
Gentlemen, I'm
sorry I c... Bilko.
- Ah, Mr. Crowe.
- Bilko get out.
- Ah Mr. Crowe I've been.
- Out!
- Is that your final word?
- Yes.
Well fellow members of the
Army Planning Commission,
you heard him.
- Yes we did Sarge.
The Army can't blame me when
I come back without the land.
- Let's go!
- Land, Bilko?
Yes the Army is planning
a new camp location.
But then again you're
probably one of those people
who don't approve of
military expenditures.
Another camp? But
I don't understand.
You don't understand
why the Army left
this million dollar
decision in our hands?
After all we're enlisted men,
we're gonna live in the camp.
We know what to look for!
But then again why take up
your time, may I use your phone.
Yes of course! A new Army camp.
Excuse me, do you know the
number of the Ace Realty Company?
- The Ace Realty?
- Yes.
- They'll rob you blind.
- They will.
I can show you
some wonderful tracts.
It will be ideal
for your purposes.
Look, gentlemen as
long as we're here.
Now this is a
beautiful piece of land.
Oh this property right here?
Look at it 200,000 acres.
Hey Sarge, that's not the place.
Yes, your right
Commissioner Doberman
it's too much large, will you?
Oh well I have a place here,
of course it's only 6,000 acres.
Excuse me this intrigues me.
What about this
place right here?
Twin Oak Flats? That's nothing.
- It's only 2 acres.
- Perfect for our needs!
We'll take it if
the price is right.
What can you do with 2 acres
and a broken down cottage.
- Well..
- We're gonna open a club.
- A club?
Yes my Commissioner
Doberman means he wants to build
the officers club place and
then we build the camp around it.
How much are
you asking for this?
Bilko get out.
- But you don't seem to understand.
- Let's not be hasty.
I have the down payment
right here, $57.36.
The down payment is
$750, get out of here.
I don't like your attitude.
We'll go to the Ace
Realty Company!
- Good, take my car.
- Remember this man's face?
If he ever shows up at the Club
Rendezvous, no ringside table.
All right men, now
make your goodbyes fast,
the National Guard bus leaves
for Ft. Baxter in 20 minutes.
Goodbye honey,
see you in 2 weeks.
Don't honey me
going away for 2 weeks
while I'm stuck with the kids.
But honey.
Hey Sarge, how's chances for
riding a bus back to Ft. Baxter?
The Colonel double crossed me,
he's using the staff
car himself today.
We're loaded, Ernie.
But stick around maybe
I can squeeze you in.
Okay, got you. Peterson.
- Right
Hey Sarge, what's the crowd?
National Guard encampment.
- Oh yeah.
- That's all we need.
Having them on our
necks for 2 weeks.
What's the matter with you?
Where's your patriotism?
National Guard
is a fine institution,
that's what the Army needs,
new men, new blood, new money.
- Money?
Hey, Sarge, the down payment
for the Club Rendezvous.
What else?
Maybe they didn't bring
any money with them.
We'll soon find out.
All right you men,
hey turn around.
Civilians
All right.
Now I don't want to alarm you
men, but we've just been warned
there is an international
gang of pickpockets in town.
Hey, be careful all
right, as you were.
They got it with them.
We've got get back
to camp ahead of them
and give them a royal welcome.
This is worth investing
in a taxi. Come on.
- Hey, Ernie?
- Yeah.
It's okay we got room
in the bus for you.
Bus, a public conveyance
are you kidding?
Taxi! Taxi!
Hey Roc, any sign of that bus
with the National
Guard group yet?
No, I don't see it Sarge.
Good, we can use the extra time.
Look Sarge, what are
we breaking our necks for
trying to sell 'em
these souvenirs.
Why not just one
all night poker game?
No good. These are civilians.
If they lose they
complain to the Colonel.
We can't afford the scandal.
Hey Sarge, I got to the
Welcome To Ft. Baxter buttons.
Very good, mark the
big ones a quarter,
the little ones are a
dime and sell them.
And you've got vote for
Landon button here fix it.
I got the pine needle
souvenir cushions, Sarge.
Very big sellers.
Do you think I'll have
to make up anymore.
I've got 16 sweethearts,
12 mothers, 5 dads.
You better make
up 1 wife pillow.
There's always a
nut in the crowd.
- Yeah.
- Okay Sarge.
Hey Sarge, do you think
they're going to buy all this junk?
Don't use the words junk.
We're honest business men
selling honest merchandise.
Here are all your
trophies Sarge,
this is all we can
get our hands on.
Good, we better
label this junk here.
- Mark this Hirohito's gas mask.
- How do you spell Hirohito?
Make it Hitler's gas mask.
This old beret mark this Field
Marshall Montgomery's beret
worn at the battle
of El Alamein.
Here this is cigar holder
mark this Churchill's
personal cigar holder,
discarded at the Yalta Conference.
Now we need clincher a big...
Fleischman, give me that hat.
But Sarge.
All right, that's perfect.
Mark this Gen. Douglas
MacArthur's campaign hat.
- Hey, Sarge here's the camera.
- Good, good.
That's for the "At Camp
Pictures with My Buddies"
we charge 50 cents
a pop for those.
Hey, Sarge, the guy
who rented me camera
wanted me to take the pony too.
I talked him out of it.
You jerk, maybe some of them
will want pictures in the cavalry.
Why don't you think? Think!
- Hey, they're here Sarge.
- Oh let me handle it.
We've got them.
Here they are Ernie.
They're all yours for 2 weeks.
Okay Sarge, all mine.
And I'll take good care of them.
All right, Ten-shun.
Hup 2, 3, 4, March...
Company Halt!
Good show.
Would you mind joining us?
All right men as you were.
All right men,
welcome to Ft. Baxter.
I'd like to point out
something and eat it,
eat it and remember it!
For the next 2
weeks you're soldiers.
You'll be marching,
you'll be drilling,
you'll be on the riffle range.
When you get back to these
barracks you'll be too tired to move.
You'll be too tired
to go to the P.X
for the essentials and little
novelties that make life spicy.
So, I've arranged a few
things for your conveniences.
Send a picture of yourself
in your Army uniform
home to your folks.
You can't tell the camp
you're from without a button.
Here's take home
a famous trophy.
Bargain prices, all
trophies must go.
Pine needle cushions
send one home
to your sweetheart,
Mother, or Dad.
All right, change, anybody
who needs change.
We're have the change.
Fender, all right buddy.
How about a picture
of you in your uniform
to send home to the folks.
- Let's say cheese together.
- No thanks.
You send your wife souvenir
pillow here, smell the pine.
- What's wrong with you.
- I am allergic.
All right here we are,
hey you come here.
Genuine war relic.
This is Gen. Douglas
MacArthur's campaign hat.
What are you selling this for?
A...$3.98 while you
have a tremendous...
There is a name
inside, Fleischman.
Fleischman of course
all MacArthur's clothes
had the name
Fleischman that's in case
if he got captured by the enemy
they wouldn't know who he was.
Attention men from
the National Guard
report to the dispensary
immediately for shots.
Oh no, pay no attention.
Look, I am selling
these things as a loss.
This is the last day
the bargain goes on.
Sarge, Sarge, look.
Sarge, give up they're gone.
Yeah, they're gone.
And there goes our down
payment to the Twin Oaks Flats.
Who needs shots suddenly.
What a bust this is huh?
Get your National
Guard Red Hots.
Get them while
they're hot, red hot!
Hey, Sarge maybe I better
take this camera back,
it's costing us money.
- Yeah, yeah take it back.
Maybe they'll be in
a better buying mood
when they get back, Sarge.
Well I guess we can kiss that
Club Rendezvous goodbye Sarge.
Don't say that. I'll get
the down payment.
It's just means I'll
have to find other ways
to get it out of them.
- How about a treasure hunt?
- No, no.
I don't want expose them
to the rest of the camp.
- Hey, how about a raffle?
- I know where I can get turkey.
They're too smart for that, huh.
- I'll think of something.
- What's that noise out there?
Don't tell me they're
back all ready.
Oh no it's impossible.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I don't
care what paper you're from.
You're not allowed in here.
But we just want to ask
Mr. Baker a few questions
about that big railroad bond
issue his company is floating.
Look, we know he's here
with the National Guard.
While he's here, he's just
another soldier taking his training.
- Now please go.
- Anything wrong lieutenant?
Bilko, while the
National Guard is here,
I don't want any of these
reporters allowed in the barracks.
- Reporters?
- But it's a big financial story!
- Look, I'm sorry.
- Look, it's news.
It's a $5 million deal.
$5 million who
deal, they deal who?
Can't we just see
him for a minute.
No, while he's here with the
National Guard, you can't see him.
Him? Who's him?
Oh now, come along go
quietly. I'll take you to the gate.
Who? Who's? Do you hear this?
There a man in this barracks
involved in a $5 million deal.
Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
- I don't know.
- We'll find out.
Why don't we just ask?
No, that's the
last thing we'll do.
We've got to play it
cool. If he knows...
Sarge, they're coming.
They're coming.
Here they come back.
You're the one man
I'm worried about.
Cool you don't know
anything, do you understand?
The minute this joker finds out
we know he's got $5
million he'll... scatter that's it.
Well, hello fellows,
say did they hurt you?
I don't want anybody hurting
my men, you understand that?
- Are you rich?
- Now men you've had a tough day.
Would you like me to send
out for some sandwiches,
some caviar or
anything like that?
Sergeant weren't we supposed
to have a 5 mile hike today?
A hike in this blistering
sun, you must be kidding.
Oh wait a minute, maybe
you're used to walking.
Walking around your
estate, walking to the bank.
Estate are you kidding?
I live in a furnished room.
You, there we need
a volunteer to report
for the camp newspaper
to handle a society column,
you know coming out
parties, debutantes, cotillions.
I ain't no good at writing.
Oh I have an
announcement to make.
We're a man short
on the polo team,
who wants to play
polo with the team?
Any?
You gotta listen, while
I've got all of you here
I have an announcement to make,
a lost and found announcement.
A wallet has been
found containing $10,000.
Now if any of you men
thinks it belongs to you,
please step forward.
- Any, any?
- Sarge, give up.
All right, all right break it up,
but don't leave the barracks.
I'll think of something come on.
Did those shots bother you?
Oh no, I didn't feel a thing.
To tell you the truth,
my mind's been on a
business matter
I left unfinished.
Oh any trouble?
No, no it's just that my
office is about to float
the biggest railroad bond
issue we've ever handled.
Oh.
Yeah I stand, I
stand to make about
a quarter of a million
dollars on this deal.
Naturally I've been
thinking about that.
Well I'm not like you you.
Soon as I get away
from that meat counter
down at the super
market, I forget everything.
Is that what you are, a butcher?
Yeah, yeah, 50 weeks a
year I'm behind that counter.
Well I'm grinding chuck,
arguing with the lady customers
in and out of the freezer.
Boy, I tell you it's rough.
Gee, I wish I could be like you.
How are things at the market?
Oh well it's like any
other business you know.
We have our ups and
we have our downs.
But the secret of making
money in the market
is buying right
and selling right.
And you know
when to buy and sell?
Oh sure.
Well, that's why
I run the market.
Let me tell you about
an interesting
transaction the other day,
it turned out that pork
chops were selling
for 69 cents a
pound all over town.
Don't they list
their occupations?
No, name, rank, serial number.
All right, read me the names
I can tell a rich sounding
name when I hear it.
Right Sarge. Sarge, Sarge I.
Oh big mouth is here.
Look he gave us enough
trouble, stay out of this.
We're very busy. Go ahead.
- Miller.
- No.
Sarge, I found him.
I tell you I found him.
Jackson?
It doesn't sound rich
enough go ahead.
Look Sarge, you
remember you told me
my locker looked like a pigsty.
I went to clean it out.
- Novotny.
- Never.
It was a mess.
Well anyway I was
standing next to these 2 guys,
they started talking
and I started listening.
- Farnsworth.
- Maybe.
Remember Farnsworth,
file it it's got a nice sound.
So one of them said to the
other how're things in the market.
- Hopkins.
- Stop.
And the other one said
the secret of making money
in a market is buying
and selling right.
Then he said, he
runs the market,
so he practically admitted
he was a millionaire.
- Nickelson.
- What'd you say?
- Nickelson.
- Not you, what did you just say?
Okay, you remember you told
me my locker looked like a pigsty,
so I went to...
- No, no not that.
Let's go to the end, you
said buying and selling.
- Buying and selling?
- Yes.
- Oh yeah, I found the millionaire.
- How did you find him?
It was the strangest thing.
You remember you told me
my locker looked like a pigsty,
I went to.
- No, no who is he?
The big fellow with the glasses
has the bunk next to mine.
- Who is that?
- De Witt.
De Witt, he's got a
green sounding name.
Sarge, we're in! We're in!
No, no you know Paparelli,
I better check on this.
Now where is he?
By my locker, you remember
you told me my locker looked like...
Oh stop!
I spilled hair tonic
all over those shoes.
I hate to put them
in the locker like this.
Oh here wrap it in this
paper I'm all through with it.
Well what do you know?
- Wall Street Journal, huh?
- Wall Street Journal, good boy!
Perfumed shoes,
how rich can you be?
- How are you Pvt. De Witt?
- How are you Sergeant?
Sergeant, my
friends call me Ernie.
- Oh Ernie do I have to wear.
- Oh nobody is talking to you.
How are they treating
you around here Private?
Oh just fine, just fine.
I, I guess I'll get
used to the bed.
Bed, what's wrong with the bed?
- Well, it sags a little not much.
- No, no.
Please a little is too
much, get him a new bed.
- A new bed?
- Now look, Sergeant.
Ernie, the name is Ernie.
Well look, Ernie I don't
want any special privileges.
I am just the same
here as anybody else.
Doesn't that choke you?
Do you hear what he just said?
He doesn't want
any special privileges.
It's like I told you
a million times
the bigger they
are nicer they are.
It's not what you've
got in here that counts.
It's what you got in here.
- I'll buy that Sergeant.
- Butt out nobody's talkin'...
I don't care what
you say Pvt. De Witt,
you're going to get a new
bed with a double inner spring
and a foam rubber
tufted mattress,
goose down pillows
and an electric blanket.
Where am I gonna
find a bed like that?
In my room!
Here you, pack his
stuff and bring it in there.
Oh but I.
I know you're going to love
it here once you get used to.
Oh let me tell
you your schedule.
8 o'clock there will be
breakfast in bed then calisthenics
which you will watch the
men do from your window.
Of course then there's
Lunch..just a buffet
but it's quite lavish.
- Oh Sergeant, I.
- No, Ernie, Ernie.
- Okay.
- Show him inside Paparelli.
Make him feel right at home.
That's it fellas. We got it.
That $750 down
payment is in the bag.
What do you we do now Sarge?
Now that we've got
the pigeon in the coop.
Oh, oh I don't want you
to refer to him as a pigeon.
I would rather think of him
as a beautiful hot house flower,
which we will cultivate and
nurture until the petals grow
and one by one we
will pick those petals.
I am having a
wonderful time, Margaret.
Yes.
It's the happiest
week I ever spent
and they are the finest
bunch of men I have ever met.
Sgt. Bilko just can't
do enough for me.
Sure Margaret, I miss you too.
Bye.
Oh sweet, you feel better now?
- Yeah I'm fine.
- How's everything home?
- Just fine.
- How are things in the market?
Well, she says they miss me.
Oh that figures, doesn't it?
Hey Sergeant, I've
been looking for you.
I finished the job.
All right, did you build
it into the wall solidly?
Solidly enough to
hold a 21 inch TV set?
Yes Sir.
Well pal, Franklin, you
run back to your barracks
you'll have time to
see the early show.
Television in my own
room? Oh Sergeant.
Ernie, Ernie, Ernie.
Thanks Ernie.
Oh he's happy as a...
aren't you supposed to be
on the drill field, what
are you doing here?
Well, you just told
me to install the..
Boy that De Witt is
as happy as a clam.
- Is he ready to be clipped?
- We better wait a day or so.
Meanwhile I better
call that real estate man
and tell him to stand
by for the down payment.
That's right Bilko.
Somebody already has
an option on Twin Oak Flats.
No, I'm sorry. I'm
not at liberty to say.
Now look, Mr. Crowe it's
a matter of $5 or $10 more
we can settle this over
the conference table.
It's not the matter of
money Bilko, you're too late.
Now look, you mu... hello!
Hello! He hung up!
What did he say?
He gave me some mishmash
about somebody else
putting up on option on it.
On that broken down
piece of property?
It's very obvious.
He found out that we're being
backed by Franklin De Witt,
the Wolf of Wall Street.
Now we gotta move fast.
Do you think we ought
to hit De Witt now?
Yeah, is he softened
up enough for the touch
that will get us to the
Club Rendezvous?
I think so.
But we better not tell
him it's for a night club.
No, then what are
you gonna tell him?
You know how
these rich guys are,
they're always contributing
to some worthy cause.
Not a night club got it.
We'll tell him it's for
an old soldiers' home,
and so he gets the
idea, we'll take him out
to Twin Oak Flats right now.
Take him out there?
Well it's practically
open for business.
I had already contacted
the Diners Club.
Let's move.
Gentlemen, the plans are
finally complete for our test.
The new landmine, which can
be detonated by radio microwave
from a passing plane.
General, as I understand it
we're not using any of
our regular testing grounds.
That's right,
because of the need
for secrecy in this operation,
the Army has purchased an
isolated piece of land in Kansas.
At this moment a pilot is
waiting to take off in a plane
from Topeka airbase and set off
the landmine by remote control.
Ah Sir, can you show us where
the mine has been planted.
Right outside Fort Baxter, here,
on an old abandoned artillery
range at Twin Oak Flats.
Finished wiring the mine yet?
Yes, Lieutenant, she's
all ready to be set off.
Good, let's get out of here,
we don't want to
be anywhere around
when that plane comes
over and set off the mine.
Boy that's gonna
be some explosion.
Let's go.
Pilot to tower, I'm now
approaching target area.
Stand by.
Come on in, come on in.
This is it Pvt. De Witt.
Welcome to Twin Oak Flats.
Isn't this a colorful place?
But don't stand there, mop, mop.
Ernie, this is going to
be an old soldiers' home?
It looks like a dump to me.
Franklin, use your imagination.
This building won't
be standing here long.
Oh really?
It's going to be
completely levelled
and then rebuilt
from the ground up.
Oh Ernie, it looks like
a bad investment to me.
Franklin this suits
our purposes perfectly.
I know but an old
soldiers' home way out here
in the middle of nowhere.
Franklin, you'd be amazed
how many old soldiers
wander around here.
Did I hear a knock at the door?
Oh look Sgt. Bilko
we have a guest.
Oh, come in, come in old man.
- Come in.
- I am an old soldier.
Will someone show me where
I can find an old soldiers' home
to rest my weary head?
He remembered.
Take it easy old soldier
you are home at last.
- He looks familiar.
- Oh why wouldn't he look familiar?
He has the face of the
American doughboy,
you've seen him on posters,
on stamps, stop the Kaiser!
- Buy liberty bonds.
- We'll stop the Hun!
Easy, you're work is done.
You have fought the good fight.
Gee, Sergeant an old
soldier's home that's a fine idea.
Will you butt out, who's
ask..., will you mop?
Come over by the
fireside old timer.
Come over and rest,
rest those warriors bones.
Oh can't you picture this?
When the evening sun
sets and the old timers
put aside the checker boards,
one of the old timers takes out
a harmonica and they all sing.
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting On The Old Camp Grounds.
Tenting Tonight.
What's with those planes,
look into that, will you?
Tower to pilot, why didn't
you set off the land mine over?
Pilot to tower I
overshot the target.
I'm making another run,
won't miss it this time over.
And that's how we won the
battle of the Argonne Forest.
I ask you, how can
anybody listen to this
without being moved?
I'm moved Sarge,
I'll give a month's pay
to the old soldiers' home.
- Bless you.
- I'll give 2 months’ pay.
- Sarge, here is my watch.
- Watch.
- I'll sell my car.
- I'll give $2.
Now enough old soldier,
imagine that he wants to give more.
Ernie, if all of these
fellas can sacrifice
to such a worthy cause,
the least I can do is join them.
He's joining.
Every year I give a
certain amount to charity.
He gives, he gives.
And I've decided that this
year I'm going to give it all
to you for your
old soldiers' home.
All? Jeez.
Hip hip! Hooray!
Hip hip! Hooray.
You'll never regret it.
You've never given
to a more worthy...
Wait a minute,
what are you sup..
Isn't it time for
your afternoon nap.
Baker
He said he's going to give all.
You know when those rich people
give to charities it
means thousands!
Boy, will we have a night club?
Well, that will just be a
small part of the hotel.
A hotel?
Of course, you're standing
right in the middle of the lobby
of the Bilko Hilton.
What's with those
planes what do they want?
Come on!
Ah Baker you made it,
sit in the front with me.
Where will you have
me sit Sergeant?
At the back, will you
hurry up at the back?
Don't worry I'm going write
a nasty note to the Air Force
about their planes
flying over our property.
Now gentlemen take
your last look at Twin Oaks,
next time you see
you won't recognize it.
- Hey, Ernie, look, the house!
- Bulls eye right on the nose.
This is a secret test area,
what are you men doing here?
What do you mean
a secret test area?
We just exploded a new landmine.
It's a good thing you
weren't in that house.
Ernie, Ernie did you hear that?
We could'a been killed.
Ernie, hey Ernie,
Ernie wait for us.
Take it easy, will you Sarge.
Yeah, you're safe now Ernie.
You're back in camp.
I can still hear those
planes they're after me.
Relax.
Oh boy, after that
experience at Twin Oak Flats,
I'm ready for the
old soldiers' home.
So, we won't use Twin Oak
Flats, we'll find some other place.
Yeah he's right Ernie.
You know what De Witt
promised, a big contribution.
Yeah, how about that?
What am I worried about?
- How are you, Ernie?
- Hello Franklin, how are you?
Ernie, I know how badly you
felt about losing that property.
- Yes - But I also
know how close
this project is to your heart.
So, here's my contribution.
- Did I tell you?
- When they got it in here.
Did I tell you?
Franklin with this check,
I'll build the gaudiest,
the flashiest $20 that 20,
$20... you made a mistake..
You're missing a
couple of zeros here.
I usually give only
$15 a year to charity,
but this was such a worthy
course, I decided to give 20.
20, that's for a guy
with your dough?
But Ernie, Ernie I'm just a
butcher in a supermarket.
- Butcher?
- That's all I am Ernie.
Wait a minute, there's a
millionaire in this barracks.
I happen to know there's a
millionaire in this barracks.
Oh you mean Mr. Baker,
that's the fellow that
installed my TV set.
Baker!
Say, Ernie I don't want
to complain or anything
but that TV set really
kind of jiggles, I don't like...
Hav-aa-yaa get out,
Find Baker.
Sarge, I think you
put him on K.P.
That was yesterday. Today
you put him on latrine duty.
I've got to find him.
Maybe it's not too late
to make it up with him.
Come on help me find him.
Baker, I was just
looking around...
Ha, ha, ha!!
We played a joke..I knew who you
were, you know what we were doing to you,
making you do all the drilling.
But you've been a
jolly good sport about it.
But..why is he in work clothes,
didn't anybody tell him I
invited him to dinner tonight?
Look I have... oh Chaplain,
I didn't see you there.
How you are Padre?
Bilko, Mr. Baker
has been telling me
about your idea for
an old soldiers' home.
Well I can explain about that.
You don't have
to explain, Bilko.
It's a wonderful idea.
Well, that's what I
was going to explain.
Mr. Baker has given me a
cheque, thanks to you Bilko
that will cover
the whole project.
$20,000?
I knew you would
be pleased Ernest.
An old soldiers' home
and it was your idea.
I insist you let
us put your name
on the cornerstone
Mr. Baker, after all...
Wait, Baker.
Well Sarge, I guess that's the
end of Club Rendezvous, huh?
- Only temporarily.
- Temporarily?
Yes, in 20 or 30
years when we go to
the old soldiers' home,
we can open a club.
Guys listen all that brain
work, all that conniving...$20.
Hey, Sarge, Sarge,
I've got some new jokes
for that M.C job in
Club Rendezvous.
Listen to me, listen.
My hotel room is so small
when you get on the bed,
the doorknob gets
in bed with you.
The room is so small the mice
are walking around
hunchback. Eh?
Very good, I like that and here,
here's your first week salary.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Eddie Andrews
as Franklin De Witt,
Peter Turgeon as Sam Baker,
Harry Gresham as Mr. Crowe
and Cliff James as the Sergeant.
comfortable gentlemen
Mr. Crowe will be
back in a few minutes.
Thank you Miss. We'll wait.
We're in no hurry and
thank you for your hospitality.
It's been very... where
is the map, come here.
There it is, that's the place
I was telling you about,
Twin Oaks Flats, the future
home of Bilko's Club Rendezvous.
But Sarge, that's
the old artillery range,
right outside of camp!
That's in the middle of
nowhere. That's the beauty of it.
- No M.Ps, no policemen.
- No customers.
Yeah.
They'll be plenty of customers,
once the word gets around
about the good food we
serve, the toe tapping music,
and if someone starts a game
of chance in the backroom.
Well, I can't be every place at
once now can I? What! What!
Hey, Sarge, there will be a Club
Rendezvous will need an M.C.
I do that sort of stuff.
- Oh do you?
Picture this.
The lights go down the band
gives me one of those "Hello",
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your M.C for the
night, Fielding Zimmerman,
I just flew in from the coast
and boy are my arms tired.
Made a couple of pictures,
one like this, one like this.
The pictures were never
released, they escaped.
Okay, Zimmerman,
you convinced me.
You park the cars.
Hey Sarge, can I
be the M'aitre de.
Zis way madame, may I
recommend ze chow mein, ooh la la!
- I didn't know you spoke French.
- Yeah.
Very good, you
park the foreign cars.
Now look, the important thing
is when Mr. Crowe gets in here,
don't show any interest
in Twin Oak Flats,
that's all he's got to see.
He'll jack up the price.
Gentlemen, I'm
sorry I c... Bilko.
- Ah, Mr. Crowe.
- Bilko get out.
- Ah Mr. Crowe I've been.
- Out!
- Is that your final word?
- Yes.
Well fellow members of the
Army Planning Commission,
you heard him.
- Yes we did Sarge.
The Army can't blame me when
I come back without the land.
- Let's go!
- Land, Bilko?
Yes the Army is planning
a new camp location.
But then again you're
probably one of those people
who don't approve of
military expenditures.
Another camp? But
I don't understand.
You don't understand
why the Army left
this million dollar
decision in our hands?
After all we're enlisted men,
we're gonna live in the camp.
We know what to look for!
But then again why take up
your time, may I use your phone.
Yes of course! A new Army camp.
Excuse me, do you know the
number of the Ace Realty Company?
- The Ace Realty?
- Yes.
- They'll rob you blind.
- They will.
I can show you
some wonderful tracts.
It will be ideal
for your purposes.
Look, gentlemen as
long as we're here.
Now this is a
beautiful piece of land.
Oh this property right here?
Look at it 200,000 acres.
Hey Sarge, that's not the place.
Yes, your right
Commissioner Doberman
it's too much large, will you?
Oh well I have a place here,
of course it's only 6,000 acres.
Excuse me this intrigues me.
What about this
place right here?
Twin Oak Flats? That's nothing.
- It's only 2 acres.
- Perfect for our needs!
We'll take it if
the price is right.
What can you do with 2 acres
and a broken down cottage.
- Well..
- We're gonna open a club.
- A club?
Yes my Commissioner
Doberman means he wants to build
the officers club place and
then we build the camp around it.
How much are
you asking for this?
Bilko get out.
- But you don't seem to understand.
- Let's not be hasty.
I have the down payment
right here, $57.36.
The down payment is
$750, get out of here.
I don't like your attitude.
We'll go to the Ace
Realty Company!
- Good, take my car.
- Remember this man's face?
If he ever shows up at the Club
Rendezvous, no ringside table.
All right men, now
make your goodbyes fast,
the National Guard bus leaves
for Ft. Baxter in 20 minutes.
Goodbye honey,
see you in 2 weeks.
Don't honey me
going away for 2 weeks
while I'm stuck with the kids.
But honey.
Hey Sarge, how's chances for
riding a bus back to Ft. Baxter?
The Colonel double crossed me,
he's using the staff
car himself today.
We're loaded, Ernie.
But stick around maybe
I can squeeze you in.
Okay, got you. Peterson.
- Right
Hey Sarge, what's the crowd?
National Guard encampment.
- Oh yeah.
- That's all we need.
Having them on our
necks for 2 weeks.
What's the matter with you?
Where's your patriotism?
National Guard
is a fine institution,
that's what the Army needs,
new men, new blood, new money.
- Money?
Hey, Sarge, the down payment
for the Club Rendezvous.
What else?
Maybe they didn't bring
any money with them.
We'll soon find out.
All right you men,
hey turn around.
Civilians
All right.
Now I don't want to alarm you
men, but we've just been warned
there is an international
gang of pickpockets in town.
Hey, be careful all
right, as you were.
They got it with them.
We've got get back
to camp ahead of them
and give them a royal welcome.
This is worth investing
in a taxi. Come on.
- Hey, Ernie?
- Yeah.
It's okay we got room
in the bus for you.
Bus, a public conveyance
are you kidding?
Taxi! Taxi!
Hey Roc, any sign of that bus
with the National
Guard group yet?
No, I don't see it Sarge.
Good, we can use the extra time.
Look Sarge, what are
we breaking our necks for
trying to sell 'em
these souvenirs.
Why not just one
all night poker game?
No good. These are civilians.
If they lose they
complain to the Colonel.
We can't afford the scandal.
Hey Sarge, I got to the
Welcome To Ft. Baxter buttons.
Very good, mark the
big ones a quarter,
the little ones are a
dime and sell them.
And you've got vote for
Landon button here fix it.
I got the pine needle
souvenir cushions, Sarge.
Very big sellers.
Do you think I'll have
to make up anymore.
I've got 16 sweethearts,
12 mothers, 5 dads.
You better make
up 1 wife pillow.
There's always a
nut in the crowd.
- Yeah.
- Okay Sarge.
Hey Sarge, do you think
they're going to buy all this junk?
Don't use the words junk.
We're honest business men
selling honest merchandise.
Here are all your
trophies Sarge,
this is all we can
get our hands on.
Good, we better
label this junk here.
- Mark this Hirohito's gas mask.
- How do you spell Hirohito?
Make it Hitler's gas mask.
This old beret mark this Field
Marshall Montgomery's beret
worn at the battle
of El Alamein.
Here this is cigar holder
mark this Churchill's
personal cigar holder,
discarded at the Yalta Conference.
Now we need clincher a big...
Fleischman, give me that hat.
But Sarge.
All right, that's perfect.
Mark this Gen. Douglas
MacArthur's campaign hat.
- Hey, Sarge here's the camera.
- Good, good.
That's for the "At Camp
Pictures with My Buddies"
we charge 50 cents
a pop for those.
Hey, Sarge, the guy
who rented me camera
wanted me to take the pony too.
I talked him out of it.
You jerk, maybe some of them
will want pictures in the cavalry.
Why don't you think? Think!
- Hey, they're here Sarge.
- Oh let me handle it.
We've got them.
Here they are Ernie.
They're all yours for 2 weeks.
Okay Sarge, all mine.
And I'll take good care of them.
All right, Ten-shun.
Hup 2, 3, 4, March...
Company Halt!
Good show.
Would you mind joining us?
All right men as you were.
All right men,
welcome to Ft. Baxter.
I'd like to point out
something and eat it,
eat it and remember it!
For the next 2
weeks you're soldiers.
You'll be marching,
you'll be drilling,
you'll be on the riffle range.
When you get back to these
barracks you'll be too tired to move.
You'll be too tired
to go to the P.X
for the essentials and little
novelties that make life spicy.
So, I've arranged a few
things for your conveniences.
Send a picture of yourself
in your Army uniform
home to your folks.
You can't tell the camp
you're from without a button.
Here's take home
a famous trophy.
Bargain prices, all
trophies must go.
Pine needle cushions
send one home
to your sweetheart,
Mother, or Dad.
All right, change, anybody
who needs change.
We're have the change.
Fender, all right buddy.
How about a picture
of you in your uniform
to send home to the folks.
- Let's say cheese together.
- No thanks.
You send your wife souvenir
pillow here, smell the pine.
- What's wrong with you.
- I am allergic.
All right here we are,
hey you come here.
Genuine war relic.
This is Gen. Douglas
MacArthur's campaign hat.
What are you selling this for?
A...$3.98 while you
have a tremendous...
There is a name
inside, Fleischman.
Fleischman of course
all MacArthur's clothes
had the name
Fleischman that's in case
if he got captured by the enemy
they wouldn't know who he was.
Attention men from
the National Guard
report to the dispensary
immediately for shots.
Oh no, pay no attention.
Look, I am selling
these things as a loss.
This is the last day
the bargain goes on.
Sarge, Sarge, look.
Sarge, give up they're gone.
Yeah, they're gone.
And there goes our down
payment to the Twin Oaks Flats.
Who needs shots suddenly.
What a bust this is huh?
Get your National
Guard Red Hots.
Get them while
they're hot, red hot!
Hey, Sarge maybe I better
take this camera back,
it's costing us money.
- Yeah, yeah take it back.
Maybe they'll be in
a better buying mood
when they get back, Sarge.
Well I guess we can kiss that
Club Rendezvous goodbye Sarge.
Don't say that. I'll get
the down payment.
It's just means I'll
have to find other ways
to get it out of them.
- How about a treasure hunt?
- No, no.
I don't want expose them
to the rest of the camp.
- Hey, how about a raffle?
- I know where I can get turkey.
They're too smart for that, huh.
- I'll think of something.
- What's that noise out there?
Don't tell me they're
back all ready.
Oh no it's impossible.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I don't
care what paper you're from.
You're not allowed in here.
But we just want to ask
Mr. Baker a few questions
about that big railroad bond
issue his company is floating.
Look, we know he's here
with the National Guard.
While he's here, he's just
another soldier taking his training.
- Now please go.
- Anything wrong lieutenant?
Bilko, while the
National Guard is here,
I don't want any of these
reporters allowed in the barracks.
- Reporters?
- But it's a big financial story!
- Look, I'm sorry.
- Look, it's news.
It's a $5 million deal.
$5 million who
deal, they deal who?
Can't we just see
him for a minute.
No, while he's here with the
National Guard, you can't see him.
Him? Who's him?
Oh now, come along go
quietly. I'll take you to the gate.
Who? Who's? Do you hear this?
There a man in this barracks
involved in a $5 million deal.
Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
- I don't know.
- We'll find out.
Why don't we just ask?
No, that's the
last thing we'll do.
We've got to play it
cool. If he knows...
Sarge, they're coming.
They're coming.
Here they come back.
You're the one man
I'm worried about.
Cool you don't know
anything, do you understand?
The minute this joker finds out
we know he's got $5
million he'll... scatter that's it.
Well, hello fellows,
say did they hurt you?
I don't want anybody hurting
my men, you understand that?
- Are you rich?
- Now men you've had a tough day.
Would you like me to send
out for some sandwiches,
some caviar or
anything like that?
Sergeant weren't we supposed
to have a 5 mile hike today?
A hike in this blistering
sun, you must be kidding.
Oh wait a minute, maybe
you're used to walking.
Walking around your
estate, walking to the bank.
Estate are you kidding?
I live in a furnished room.
You, there we need
a volunteer to report
for the camp newspaper
to handle a society column,
you know coming out
parties, debutantes, cotillions.
I ain't no good at writing.
Oh I have an
announcement to make.
We're a man short
on the polo team,
who wants to play
polo with the team?
Any?
You gotta listen, while
I've got all of you here
I have an announcement to make,
a lost and found announcement.
A wallet has been
found containing $10,000.
Now if any of you men
thinks it belongs to you,
please step forward.
- Any, any?
- Sarge, give up.
All right, all right break it up,
but don't leave the barracks.
I'll think of something come on.
Did those shots bother you?
Oh no, I didn't feel a thing.
To tell you the truth,
my mind's been on a
business matter
I left unfinished.
Oh any trouble?
No, no it's just that my
office is about to float
the biggest railroad bond
issue we've ever handled.
Oh.
Yeah I stand, I
stand to make about
a quarter of a million
dollars on this deal.
Naturally I've been
thinking about that.
Well I'm not like you you.
Soon as I get away
from that meat counter
down at the super
market, I forget everything.
Is that what you are, a butcher?
Yeah, yeah, 50 weeks a
year I'm behind that counter.
Well I'm grinding chuck,
arguing with the lady customers
in and out of the freezer.
Boy, I tell you it's rough.
Gee, I wish I could be like you.
How are things at the market?
Oh well it's like any
other business you know.
We have our ups and
we have our downs.
But the secret of making
money in the market
is buying right
and selling right.
And you know
when to buy and sell?
Oh sure.
Well, that's why
I run the market.
Let me tell you about
an interesting
transaction the other day,
it turned out that pork
chops were selling
for 69 cents a
pound all over town.
Don't they list
their occupations?
No, name, rank, serial number.
All right, read me the names
I can tell a rich sounding
name when I hear it.
Right Sarge. Sarge, Sarge I.
Oh big mouth is here.
Look he gave us enough
trouble, stay out of this.
We're very busy. Go ahead.
- Miller.
- No.
Sarge, I found him.
I tell you I found him.
Jackson?
It doesn't sound rich
enough go ahead.
Look Sarge, you
remember you told me
my locker looked like a pigsty.
I went to clean it out.
- Novotny.
- Never.
It was a mess.
Well anyway I was
standing next to these 2 guys,
they started talking
and I started listening.
- Farnsworth.
- Maybe.
Remember Farnsworth,
file it it's got a nice sound.
So one of them said to the
other how're things in the market.
- Hopkins.
- Stop.
And the other one said
the secret of making money
in a market is buying
and selling right.
Then he said, he
runs the market,
so he practically admitted
he was a millionaire.
- Nickelson.
- What'd you say?
- Nickelson.
- Not you, what did you just say?
Okay, you remember you told
me my locker looked like a pigsty,
so I went to...
- No, no not that.
Let's go to the end, you
said buying and selling.
- Buying and selling?
- Yes.
- Oh yeah, I found the millionaire.
- How did you find him?
It was the strangest thing.
You remember you told me
my locker looked like a pigsty,
I went to.
- No, no who is he?
The big fellow with the glasses
has the bunk next to mine.
- Who is that?
- De Witt.
De Witt, he's got a
green sounding name.
Sarge, we're in! We're in!
No, no you know Paparelli,
I better check on this.
Now where is he?
By my locker, you remember
you told me my locker looked like...
Oh stop!
I spilled hair tonic
all over those shoes.
I hate to put them
in the locker like this.
Oh here wrap it in this
paper I'm all through with it.
Well what do you know?
- Wall Street Journal, huh?
- Wall Street Journal, good boy!
Perfumed shoes,
how rich can you be?
- How are you Pvt. De Witt?
- How are you Sergeant?
Sergeant, my
friends call me Ernie.
- Oh Ernie do I have to wear.
- Oh nobody is talking to you.
How are they treating
you around here Private?
Oh just fine, just fine.
I, I guess I'll get
used to the bed.
Bed, what's wrong with the bed?
- Well, it sags a little not much.
- No, no.
Please a little is too
much, get him a new bed.
- A new bed?
- Now look, Sergeant.
Ernie, the name is Ernie.
Well look, Ernie I don't
want any special privileges.
I am just the same
here as anybody else.
Doesn't that choke you?
Do you hear what he just said?
He doesn't want
any special privileges.
It's like I told you
a million times
the bigger they
are nicer they are.
It's not what you've
got in here that counts.
It's what you got in here.
- I'll buy that Sergeant.
- Butt out nobody's talkin'...
I don't care what
you say Pvt. De Witt,
you're going to get a new
bed with a double inner spring
and a foam rubber
tufted mattress,
goose down pillows
and an electric blanket.
Where am I gonna
find a bed like that?
In my room!
Here you, pack his
stuff and bring it in there.
Oh but I.
I know you're going to love
it here once you get used to.
Oh let me tell
you your schedule.
8 o'clock there will be
breakfast in bed then calisthenics
which you will watch the
men do from your window.
Of course then there's
Lunch..just a buffet
but it's quite lavish.
- Oh Sergeant, I.
- No, Ernie, Ernie.
- Okay.
- Show him inside Paparelli.
Make him feel right at home.
That's it fellas. We got it.
That $750 down
payment is in the bag.
What do you we do now Sarge?
Now that we've got
the pigeon in the coop.
Oh, oh I don't want you
to refer to him as a pigeon.
I would rather think of him
as a beautiful hot house flower,
which we will cultivate and
nurture until the petals grow
and one by one we
will pick those petals.
I am having a
wonderful time, Margaret.
Yes.
It's the happiest
week I ever spent
and they are the finest
bunch of men I have ever met.
Sgt. Bilko just can't
do enough for me.
Sure Margaret, I miss you too.
Bye.
Oh sweet, you feel better now?
- Yeah I'm fine.
- How's everything home?
- Just fine.
- How are things in the market?
Well, she says they miss me.
Oh that figures, doesn't it?
Hey Sergeant, I've
been looking for you.
I finished the job.
All right, did you build
it into the wall solidly?
Solidly enough to
hold a 21 inch TV set?
Yes Sir.
Well pal, Franklin, you
run back to your barracks
you'll have time to
see the early show.
Television in my own
room? Oh Sergeant.
Ernie, Ernie, Ernie.
Thanks Ernie.
Oh he's happy as a...
aren't you supposed to be
on the drill field, what
are you doing here?
Well, you just told
me to install the..
Boy that De Witt is
as happy as a clam.
- Is he ready to be clipped?
- We better wait a day or so.
Meanwhile I better
call that real estate man
and tell him to stand
by for the down payment.
That's right Bilko.
Somebody already has
an option on Twin Oak Flats.
No, I'm sorry. I'm
not at liberty to say.
Now look, Mr. Crowe it's
a matter of $5 or $10 more
we can settle this over
the conference table.
It's not the matter of
money Bilko, you're too late.
Now look, you mu... hello!
Hello! He hung up!
What did he say?
He gave me some mishmash
about somebody else
putting up on option on it.
On that broken down
piece of property?
It's very obvious.
He found out that we're being
backed by Franklin De Witt,
the Wolf of Wall Street.
Now we gotta move fast.
Do you think we ought
to hit De Witt now?
Yeah, is he softened
up enough for the touch
that will get us to the
Club Rendezvous?
I think so.
But we better not tell
him it's for a night club.
No, then what are
you gonna tell him?
You know how
these rich guys are,
they're always contributing
to some worthy cause.
Not a night club got it.
We'll tell him it's for
an old soldiers' home,
and so he gets the
idea, we'll take him out
to Twin Oak Flats right now.
Take him out there?
Well it's practically
open for business.
I had already contacted
the Diners Club.
Let's move.
Gentlemen, the plans are
finally complete for our test.
The new landmine, which can
be detonated by radio microwave
from a passing plane.
General, as I understand it
we're not using any of
our regular testing grounds.
That's right,
because of the need
for secrecy in this operation,
the Army has purchased an
isolated piece of land in Kansas.
At this moment a pilot is
waiting to take off in a plane
from Topeka airbase and set off
the landmine by remote control.
Ah Sir, can you show us where
the mine has been planted.
Right outside Fort Baxter, here,
on an old abandoned artillery
range at Twin Oak Flats.
Finished wiring the mine yet?
Yes, Lieutenant, she's
all ready to be set off.
Good, let's get out of here,
we don't want to
be anywhere around
when that plane comes
over and set off the mine.
Boy that's gonna
be some explosion.
Let's go.
Pilot to tower, I'm now
approaching target area.
Stand by.
Come on in, come on in.
This is it Pvt. De Witt.
Welcome to Twin Oak Flats.
Isn't this a colorful place?
But don't stand there, mop, mop.
Ernie, this is going to
be an old soldiers' home?
It looks like a dump to me.
Franklin, use your imagination.
This building won't
be standing here long.
Oh really?
It's going to be
completely levelled
and then rebuilt
from the ground up.
Oh Ernie, it looks like
a bad investment to me.
Franklin this suits
our purposes perfectly.
I know but an old
soldiers' home way out here
in the middle of nowhere.
Franklin, you'd be amazed
how many old soldiers
wander around here.
Did I hear a knock at the door?
Oh look Sgt. Bilko
we have a guest.
Oh, come in, come in old man.
- Come in.
- I am an old soldier.
Will someone show me where
I can find an old soldiers' home
to rest my weary head?
He remembered.
Take it easy old soldier
you are home at last.
- He looks familiar.
- Oh why wouldn't he look familiar?
He has the face of the
American doughboy,
you've seen him on posters,
on stamps, stop the Kaiser!
- Buy liberty bonds.
- We'll stop the Hun!
Easy, you're work is done.
You have fought the good fight.
Gee, Sergeant an old
soldier's home that's a fine idea.
Will you butt out, who's
ask..., will you mop?
Come over by the
fireside old timer.
Come over and rest,
rest those warriors bones.
Oh can't you picture this?
When the evening sun
sets and the old timers
put aside the checker boards,
one of the old timers takes out
a harmonica and they all sing.
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting On The Old Camp Grounds.
Tenting Tonight.
What's with those planes,
look into that, will you?
Tower to pilot, why didn't
you set off the land mine over?
Pilot to tower I
overshot the target.
I'm making another run,
won't miss it this time over.
And that's how we won the
battle of the Argonne Forest.
I ask you, how can
anybody listen to this
without being moved?
I'm moved Sarge,
I'll give a month's pay
to the old soldiers' home.
- Bless you.
- I'll give 2 months’ pay.
- Sarge, here is my watch.
- Watch.
- I'll sell my car.
- I'll give $2.
Now enough old soldier,
imagine that he wants to give more.
Ernie, if all of these
fellas can sacrifice
to such a worthy cause,
the least I can do is join them.
He's joining.
Every year I give a
certain amount to charity.
He gives, he gives.
And I've decided that this
year I'm going to give it all
to you for your
old soldiers' home.
All? Jeez.
Hip hip! Hooray!
Hip hip! Hooray.
You'll never regret it.
You've never given
to a more worthy...
Wait a minute,
what are you sup..
Isn't it time for
your afternoon nap.
Baker
He said he's going to give all.
You know when those rich people
give to charities it
means thousands!
Boy, will we have a night club?
Well, that will just be a
small part of the hotel.
A hotel?
Of course, you're standing
right in the middle of the lobby
of the Bilko Hilton.
What's with those
planes what do they want?
Come on!
Ah Baker you made it,
sit in the front with me.
Where will you have
me sit Sergeant?
At the back, will you
hurry up at the back?
Don't worry I'm going write
a nasty note to the Air Force
about their planes
flying over our property.
Now gentlemen take
your last look at Twin Oaks,
next time you see
you won't recognize it.
- Hey, Ernie, look, the house!
- Bulls eye right on the nose.
This is a secret test area,
what are you men doing here?
What do you mean
a secret test area?
We just exploded a new landmine.
It's a good thing you
weren't in that house.
Ernie, Ernie did you hear that?
We could'a been killed.
Ernie, hey Ernie,
Ernie wait for us.
Take it easy, will you Sarge.
Yeah, you're safe now Ernie.
You're back in camp.
I can still hear those
planes they're after me.
Relax.
Oh boy, after that
experience at Twin Oak Flats,
I'm ready for the
old soldiers' home.
So, we won't use Twin Oak
Flats, we'll find some other place.
Yeah he's right Ernie.
You know what De Witt
promised, a big contribution.
Yeah, how about that?
What am I worried about?
- How are you, Ernie?
- Hello Franklin, how are you?
Ernie, I know how badly you
felt about losing that property.
- Yes - But I also
know how close
this project is to your heart.
So, here's my contribution.
- Did I tell you?
- When they got it in here.
Did I tell you?
Franklin with this check,
I'll build the gaudiest,
the flashiest $20 that 20,
$20... you made a mistake..
You're missing a
couple of zeros here.
I usually give only
$15 a year to charity,
but this was such a worthy
course, I decided to give 20.
20, that's for a guy
with your dough?
But Ernie, Ernie I'm just a
butcher in a supermarket.
- Butcher?
- That's all I am Ernie.
Wait a minute, there's a
millionaire in this barracks.
I happen to know there's a
millionaire in this barracks.
Oh you mean Mr. Baker,
that's the fellow that
installed my TV set.
Baker!
Say, Ernie I don't want
to complain or anything
but that TV set really
kind of jiggles, I don't like...
Hav-aa-yaa get out,
Find Baker.
Sarge, I think you
put him on K.P.
That was yesterday. Today
you put him on latrine duty.
I've got to find him.
Maybe it's not too late
to make it up with him.
Come on help me find him.
Baker, I was just
looking around...
Ha, ha, ha!!
We played a joke..I knew who you
were, you know what we were doing to you,
making you do all the drilling.
But you've been a
jolly good sport about it.
But..why is he in work clothes,
didn't anybody tell him I
invited him to dinner tonight?
Look I have... oh Chaplain,
I didn't see you there.
How you are Padre?
Bilko, Mr. Baker
has been telling me
about your idea for
an old soldiers' home.
Well I can explain about that.
You don't have
to explain, Bilko.
It's a wonderful idea.
Well, that's what I
was going to explain.
Mr. Baker has given me a
cheque, thanks to you Bilko
that will cover
the whole project.
$20,000?
I knew you would
be pleased Ernest.
An old soldiers' home
and it was your idea.
I insist you let
us put your name
on the cornerstone
Mr. Baker, after all...
Wait, Baker.
Well Sarge, I guess that's the
end of Club Rendezvous, huh?
- Only temporarily.
- Temporarily?
Yes, in 20 or 30
years when we go to
the old soldiers' home,
we can open a club.
Guys listen all that brain
work, all that conniving...$20.
Hey, Sarge, Sarge,
I've got some new jokes
for that M.C job in
Club Rendezvous.
Listen to me, listen.
My hotel room is so small
when you get on the bed,
the doorknob gets
in bed with you.
The room is so small the mice
are walking around
hunchback. Eh?
Very good, I like that and here,
here's your first week salary.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Eddie Andrews
as Franklin De Witt,
Peter Turgeon as Sam Baker,
Harry Gresham as Mr. Crowe
and Cliff James as the Sergeant.