The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 1 - Bilko's Merry Widow - full transcript

Now is the month of May,
when merry lads are playing,

Fa la la la la!

Now is the month of May,
when merry lads are playing,

Fa la la la la!

Charmante, charmante,
tres charmante.

- Thank you.
- You've done it again Hermione.

Oh thank you. Girl's en Français

Merci beaucoup Madame Fessenden.

And good morning
to you too girls!

I have good news on our fight
to bring culture to Roseville,

in spite our protest to
the Chamber of Commerce



we get only Burlesque shows.

They say it's for the
soldiers at Fort Baxter.

Well at last our picketing of the
burlesque theater has paid off.

Last night, we met the Chamber
of Commerce coming out

and they voted right
there in the lobby

an immediate
appropriation for Culture,

$500, which I intend
to offer as a bonus

to the first producer who brings

a professional
company to Roseville.

Thank you. The
meeting is adjourned.

Oh isn't it exciting Hermione,
we may get My Fair Lady

Happy Hunting,
even Damn Yankees.

Olivia, not in
front of the girls.

Now work, work, work.
Get that motor working.



Okay, okay.

Now look I want that
jeep in tiptop shape.

I've got it rented out
for every night this week.

Every minute this jeep stays
idle, it cost me 10 cents a mile.

Back in the car
rental business, huh?

You must have taken some
beating on the horses yesterday.

All right, all right.

My financial standing is
of no concern to you, work.

Hey Sarge, Sarge,
look, for only $250

an Army surplus water tank. We
can use this as a swimming pool.

We thought we could take the
money from the welfare fund.

Yes of course the welfare fund.

Sarge, how much money
have we got in the welfare fund?

How much? Look, how do I know?

Sarge, you're the only one
who has the key to the box.

Sarge, how much have we got?

Oh we've got about...
Give or take $5.

Excuse Sarge,
we didn't hear you.

Sarge, how much you
got in the welfare fund?

Well I say we've got
about, straighten out,

you've got the exact figure.

Sarge, how much have we got?

I've got to the get down to
Mess Hall and fix the menu.

- Hubble tray!
- What is this?

What is this a strike?

Oh wait! Wait! Sarge!

Oh yeah he took it and
blowed it on the horses?

Blowed it? Blowed
it on the horse?

I will not stand here
listen to bad grammar.

- No, no wait.
- I'm sorry it is disturbing.

From Kadowski who is
just learning the language.

This man says
blowed it? Blowed it?

Sarge, Sarge, Sarge,
give it to us in good English.

I blew it on the horses.

'Cause blew is past tense,
it happened yesterday

Yesterday? You
lost the whole $250?

- No, just $50.
- You took only $50?

Yes, so I can win back the
$200 I took the day before.

- That's it boys.
- Oh wait a minute.

Now look Fender,
you're a man of the world,

you understand it was a
surefire tip I did it for all of us.

Yeah, this swimming pool
was going to be for all of us too.

Sarge, the horses again?

I know. I know.
What do I going to do?

I try to build up the welfare
fund, what's a lousy $250?

These days it's nothing.

Contestants get that
for going on a quiz show

and just clearing their throat.

$250? Is that it?

Here is a dame begging to
give away $500 to first producer

who brings a professional
production to Roseville.

This taa daa!

- What is it?
- Cha cha, cha cha!

- Click, click, click!
- Here we go again.

Platoon on the
double look alive.

Sarge, Sarge what is it.

Okay, Fender, order
your swimming pool.

The swimming pool!

You. I want you to get to the
Glee club tell them to stand by.

Find every WAC that can
act and then sing dance,

recite anything we
get them all in boys.

Boys, we're going to get $500

for bringing a Broadway
musical to Roseville.

- Oh Sarge.
- Oh he's slipping his trolley.

They want a professional
production. We're amateurs.

What are you, the
Olympic Committee?

The moment we get the
$500 check we're professionals.

We're the first touring
company of My Fair Lady.

Sarge, every star
company in the country

is dying to do My Fair Day.

They'll never give
you permission.

So what we'll do South Pacific.

Who's going to know about it?

Oh nobody, just Rogers
and Hammerstein's lawyers.

You've got to get
permission, pay the royalties.

No forget about it.

Wait a minute what's
the matter with me.

Why didn't I think of this?

We'll do the Merry Widow.
- Merry Widow?

Of course the composer
has been dead over 50 years.

We don't have to get permission.

We don't have to pay royalties.

Fender, get ready to
order that swimming pool!

Henshaw get a car
ready, we're going over

to Mrs. Fessenden
to pick up that $500.

Sarge, look alive, she
ain't going to pay $500

for something put on
for a bunch of soldiers.

Soldiers Papparelli?

I'm talking about the
original Vienese production

of Merry Window as done
by the immortal Franz Lehár.

May he rest in peace.
- Amen.

- May his lawyers rest in peace.
- Amen.

Come on. I'm gonna need you two.

Oh Olivia, I'm so excited.

The great Max
Steinhardt may bring

the Merry Window
here to Roseville.

When his manager called
me and he said he was coming,

I could hardly believe it.

This will make Emporia
sit up and take notice.

- Mr. Max Steinhardt.
- Oh.

That stupid accomplice,
you carpenter,

you talked me into leaving the
beautiful blue Danube for this.

- But maestro...
- Welcome to...

Shut up! Why everybody.

Hallo, get me Vienna
I speak with anybody.

Oh Mr. Steinhardt when
I heard you were coming

I asked these
ladies to come over.

These ladies are not my type.
Why are you wasting my time?

Hallo, forget Vienna
I just remembered,

Zsa Zsa she's here
Las Vegas something.

All right, line up everybody.

Lift the skirts let
me see the feet out,

little piece of...
kick the feet.

Wait maestro, they
are not dancers.

They're sponsoring
your production.

Oh zey nicht my dancers
are sponsoring for the

great Steinhardt needs a
sponsor, oh little guided Americans.

I'm like Mickey Mouse
I needs sponsors.

- Who are you?
- I am Mrs. Fessenden.

Oh good, this is my musical
conductor, Gustav Schnitzel.

Oh how do you do?

Oh don't speak with
him this schweinhund.

- He ruined me in Salzburg.
- Salzburg.

He ruined me in the second
act of The Gypsy Baron,

he hit the klinker which
started the entire landslide.

From the Alps came down
with the snow, with the theater.

But the audience must
hear the klicker was you here.

But maestro the
note was a B flat.

B flat flat, you tell it
to the 2,000 people

who are still waiting for the St
Bernards dogs with the brandy.

What I give you. I
give you enough.

- Maestro please.
- No, no not him.

Do not talk with him.

This is my American
manager, Fritz Spritz.

His name is - you
get another name

or I get another manager.
- But Maestro.

Mr. Steinhardt
these ladies and I...

What is the pumping
what? What does she want?

She does not know
I am a married man?

What is this with
the chappering?

- Where is my wife Mitzi.
- Your wife?

Oh yes Likshon.

Likshon is in Salzburg waiting
for the brandy from my klinker,

when you hit in the last play.
I'll give you with the B flat.

Maestro, wait, wait.

We must think of the future,

your Broadway production
of the Merry Widow,

which you're going to
premier here in Roseville.

Oh you're going to do the
Merry Widow here in Roseville?

We have to, with him conducting

we can only play
in flat countries.

When I see the offers, I have
to turn down from Chicago.

- San Francisco.
- And Denver.

Oh Denver you would
like, huh? Yeah I would.

But with one klinker of it the
whole fashtinka the rocky mountains.

- I give you klinkers.
- Maestro that was a B flat.

- Was a B flat eh?
- Wait Maestro.

You've got my wife
but you won't get me.

We do it here.

Here we do it, where
is the nearest mountain.

Oh at least 1,000 miles away.

Play soft. Play
soft you hear me.

- We're guests in this country.
- Then you'll do it?

Quick delivery before
he changes his mind.

- Here is the $500.
- What is the matter?

What is it?

What am I a tradesman?
I do not touch money.

Maestro I'll take it thank you.

You see maestro
it's just the bonus

for bringing your professional
production here to Roseville.

Very good, also you
have arranged a theatre.

Oh I'm giving you
the civic auditorium.

Very good. I'll be going
to military rehearsal.

The cast is waiting
in Ellis Island, we go.

Maestro, it's the beginning
of Culture in Roseville.

Yes, and with him conducting

this maybe the end of your
civic auditorium with the...

Ooh! Ooh!

Tripping, tripping as we pass.

Sipping, sipping in your glass.

- What? What is it?
- What?

- You're uniform.
- They expect me to wear this?

Yes there are quarters of them.

Well, tell them at quartermaster
I am playing the part

of prince Danilo the
gayest blade in paris

and when I sweep in
to Maxim's I wear this,

they'll think I came
there to sweep up, go, go.

Tripping, tripping as we pass.

Sipping, sipping in your glass.

Hold it. What is it?

Sarge, the Glee club
has to rehearse too.

All right get over there.

Girls run over your
parts for a few minutes.

All right boys you
know this is my solo.

Remember we all
play gay nobleman,

I'm the gayest
nobleman of them all.

Now you understand
your parts, right?

It's my solo we take
it from the top and...

doh doh do doh boom boom.

- I am going to Maxim's.
- La la la.

You're going bam bam, are
you in business for yourself?

You're just part of the group.

Shall we do it again
from the top, that's good.

Doh doh doh back oh boom boom.

I'm going to
Maxim's, la la laaa!

Hold. Spite now.

Look, I'm going to Maxim's.
You're there already.

The platoon hasn't
even built Maxim's

and you're in there
ordering wine?

Let's try from the
top and watch it.

Oh no, I'll be right back.

No, no may I remind
you the lyric girls.

We're little Paris ladies.

I just heard you it
sounds like you were

Arkansas hog callers.

Now get... and you
Martha be spicy,

you have a lovely figure,
carry yourself erect.

We'll doing it from the top.

We'll do it in sections
then we'll put it

all together in one
piece. Shall we try it?

- We are little Paris ladies.

- Now to each...
- One of Maxim's ladies.

- And you are.
- Lolo.

- Sweet.
- Dodo.

- Lovely.-Juju Koko and you now,

tripping, tripping,
as we pass...

- Ten-shun!
- Bilko what's going on here?

- Sir, we were just trying.
- Quiet.

- Yes Sir.
- Whatever it is it's off.

But Sir it's just
a little innocent

theatrical amateur show Sir.

Bilko the word amateur
means no money.

Somehow I can't associate
you with the words.

- Sir we were just.
- Quiet!

So you are all on sick
call, how is your cold Lolo?

And Froufrou, your
throat is still sore isn't it?

- It must be, I heard it.
- Oh really Sir...

- Quiet! Quiet!
- Yes Sir.

I don't know what Bilko is
up to but this is an order.

I don't want you girls
to be associated with it.

No Sir. No Sir.

- Now get back to your office.
- Yes Sir.

As for you Billy Rose.

- But Sir I was.
- Quiet!

Bilko, this is a motor
pool not the Latin Quarter.

Funny, funny Sir.

That's grand and we were
wondering who was going to do

the comedy part of Count Popoff.
- Quiet!

You would be splendid I can
see you now in your tenor solo.

Come to the little pavilion.
- Quiet!

Nothing with the
men suffer this.

- Quiet!
- Yes Sir.

Bilko, I don't know
what you're doing

or who you are doing it to.

But you're not going to do it
on this post or with my WACs.

- Now get back to work.
- Yes Sir.

All right men you heard
the Colonel, back to work.

Get the stuff out of here.

All right boys on
the double, get it out!

Get it out! Move it!

All right cut that's it boys.
We're out of show business.

Sarge, we could rehearse in
town. Rehearse in town with what?

With no girls?

Sarge, we already sent
the money for the pool,

we've got to do it.

Sure we got to do it,
it is the Merry Window

we'll just change the locale
from Paris to boys town.

Come on face it, we're cooked.

Can't we get some
girls from town?

Who we'll we get, Cleo the
waitress? Bertha the barracuda?

May I remind you gentlemen
this is the Merry Widow

everyone in this show is a
lady of the highest culture,

grand, elegance
culture, see.. ah ha.

What is it Sarge?

We get the girls from Miss.
Nightingale's finishing school.

Now, he's really flipped.

If that Miss Nightingale
saw that a bunch of soldiers.

What soldiers?

She'll be tickled to
have her girls mingle

with you young gentlemen.

You fellows who
come from one of the

finest finishing prep
schools in the country.

We're young gentlemen?

Of course, each one of you
from a highly cultured family,

and don't you slobs
forget it for one minute.

I am shocked Nancy,
utterly shocked.

You caught putting on lipstick.

But Miss Nightingale...

Oh I have seen it happen
so often, first it's lipstick.

Next thing you know they're
running off with a trumpet player.

Oh I don't know what...

What is it Miss Kletterby.

There is a man
outside to see you.

A man in here?

Ah yes, it's Dean Ernest Bilko.

- Oh Dean Bilko?
- Yes.

He is headmaster of the

Bilko on the Hudson
school for boys.

Oh really. Please show him.

Oh, I wonder what the Ivy
League is doing in Kansas.

Miss. Nightingale.

Dean Bilko it's so
nice of you to pop in.

I thought it was
only proper since,

we're about to become
neighbors. Neighbors?

I thought your school was
back East on the Hudson.

Oh we had to move.

The Hudson has become
quite vulgar you know.

They just don't care what
they let on the river these days.

So, you moved to Roseville?

Yes, oh we've owned
the property here for years.

We were just waiting
for the ivy to grow.

And there it is grown,
it's a splendid site.

Oh this is wonderful.

At last my younger ladies
can meet young men

in their own class.

Well that's what I'm
here in a matter of fashion

to see you about.

I'm sure when you
see my young ladies.

Well I'm sure that,
good heavens.

They are allowed
to have lipstick on.

- Oh really Sir.
- This is an isolated case.

Oh I can't, I can't
have this lipstick.

My boys don't even
know about lips.

I tell them everything. I have
a medical license you know.

Really, really Sir, I assure
you we have young ladies

only from the finest families.

This is Nancy Winthrop.
Her father is Winthrop Steel.

All that explains
everything, trades people

have to cater to the
merchant class do you?

Thank heavens we don't
deal with them as yet.

- You mean your young men?
- Oh all handpicked.

Of course there is Dino Papparelli
son of the duke of Naples.

Then there is Duane
Doberman, very democratic.

He doesn't care that
we don't address him

by his righteous title Baron.

- Then there is Sam Fender.
- Sam Fender?

Of the Ford family,
it's a large family,

there are so many Fenders
there, excellent the bumpers.

Then of course he
is one of the Fenders.

We have fun with that
name, once in a while.

Oh this sounds wonderful.

I'll certainly want my
young ladies to meet them.

Oh naturally, as a matter
of fact I was planning

on using your young
ladies with my young men

in presenting a musical play
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm?

Of course I'll delete all
the suggestive passages.

We plan on rehearsing
at the civic auditorium.

Oh I'll bring the girls.
Oh good heavens not you.

We don't want you there.

We want you there
when it's all ready,

so we can show it
you as a big surprise.

Oh!

Allow me this little
thrill, won't you?

Oh this is thrilling.

You're very sweet Miss,
it is Miss. Nightingale?

- Yes why?
- One can dream can't one?

Where am I going? Tell him men.

Lolo, Dodo, Coco Momo Froufrou

I am going to Maxim.

What? What? We've
rehearsed all week.

This is the dress rehearsal
of performances tonight

and you're still beating
me to Maxim's why?

Sarge, we want to
get in a dress rehearsal

before the performance.

Places for the dress
rehearsal. Get your place.

Hey, Sarge, Sarge when
should I pull the curtain?

At the first note
you pull the curtain.

Sgt. Bilko, these
costumes just don't fit.

Nancy, Nancy, they'll fit.

By the time I get them through
quartermasters, they'll fit.

But remember one
thing you promised

not to tell Miss Nightingale
that we're soldiers.

- Oh are you kidding?
- Ooh.

All right boys, this is act
1 scene 1 the big scene,

when I enter into Maxim's.

You know how to
give me the entrance?

Hit it!

Women, women, women,
women, women, women, ah.

- Ah the women!
- All the women!

- How to win them!
- Tell us pray.

It's an art I'm rather dim in
For there is no patent way.

You may study always as you can.

Women! Women! Women!

But a woman is
too much for a man.

Women! Women! Women!

It's deeper than
diving for pearls.

Courting girls, girls, girls!

With her fair flaxen
hair, eyes of blue.

She's a long way
to knowing for you.

Yes! Yes! She is dark!

- But she's fair!
- She may smile!

Or may frown never
mind, you'll get done brown

She is here, she is
here Prince Danilo.

- It's Sonia the Merry Widow!
- The Merry Widow!

The most beautiful
woman in Paris!

At last I get to meet her
be still my pounding heart.

And be as beautiful as they say?

Attention.

Have the Sonia,
the Merry Window.

Ooh!

Vilia oh Vilia

the witch of the wood.

You told me love

soon would end windowhood.

Vilia oh Vilia will
you be my bride.

Will you be here at my side.

At your side I'll be
here constantly darling.

- The Waltz!

Though I say not,
what I mean not

met you dear.

Yet the swaying dance
is saying, love me dear.

Sonia! Danilo!

Every touch of fingers,
tell me what I know.

But I insist on seeing
my daughter right now.

I am just passing through town.

But I told you Mr. Winthrop,
Nancy is rehearsing.

- My girl in a play?
- It's perfectly proper Sir.

It's Dean Bilko's boys.

They're doing Rebecca
of Sunnybrook Farm.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

- Naturally, let's go.
- But I said I wouldn't...

I haven't anytime, come on.

I'm always at Maxims,
where fun and frolic beams.

With all the girls I chatter.
I kiss, I laugh, I flatter.

Lolo, Dodo, Joujou,

Clo-clo, Margot, Froufrou.

For surnames should not matter.

I take her first at hand.

Why isn't this one in tights?

- Dean Bilko!
- Miss Nightingale!

- You promised to stay away.
- What?

You mean this is Rebecca
of Sunnybrook Farm.

But of course this is the
modern version this is the climax.

She is about to lose the bomb,
so she turns it into road house.

- What's going on?
- All of you, come girls!

- Hey Sarge.
- Ah come.

Miss Nightingale just
for tonight we need to...

Now what? Now what?
We're cooked that's what.

Our back to the walls
we've got to get some girls.

Wait a minute, why not.

Papparelli on the double.

What is it Sarge? Come here.

Do you know how to get
to the Burlesque house?

Look, who I'm asking,
he was born there.

Get this note to Beulah. You
know the blonde bomb shell?

Simmer down give her the note,

tell her to get the rest
of the girls together.

I'll explain the rest
when she is here, go.

That may do.

- Oh Beulah are you and the girls
ready?
- Just say the word Ernie.

Okay here we go. From the top.

Here is your queue honey.

She's here. She's
here Prince Danilo.

It's Sonia the Merry
Widow. The Merry Widow?

The most beautiful
woman in Paris.

Be still my pounding heart.

At last I get to meet her.

The Countess Sonia,
the Merry Widow.

Vilia oh Vilia the
witch of the oh oh oh.

Vilia oh Vilia please
make me your

bo bo bride.

Will you be here
at my para para pa.

Oh Vilia oh Vilia.

Wait, wait, honey,
you can't do that,

What's the matter
Don't we do it right?

You're all right but look
you are the Merry Widow,

women and children will be out.

You've got to tone it down.
- What do you mean?

You asked us to do it lady
like and that's how we done it.

Look, do the best you can.

Go to your dressing room,
learn the words on the records

play 'em over and over,
here are your costumes.

We're gotta wear this?

- Yeah why?
- Oh I don't know.

Working in clothes, we can
get in trouble with the union.

But will you do it for
me, go put this on,

go on go to your dressing room.

We'll show them to
their dressing rooms.

Come here, come here.

Packed house, places, places.

Now Sarge?

No, not now, Papparelli
will tell you where.

Get the records we
learned the songs.

Thank you, you know I'll
never forget you for this.

Now listen, do we really
got to wear all these clothes.

I mean we got fans out there.

This could louse
us up in this town.

I know baby, baby, just do
the best you can, please huh.

Showtime! This is it.

Now look, keep that curtain up
and the show must keep going

if you don't want to see me
in Leavenworth in pin stripes,

keep this show moving. Places.

Welcome to Maxim!
Welcome to Maxim.

Wine for all! Yes,
wine song and?

Women! Women! Women!

- Do we come on now?
- No, not yet.

Oh, so here is where you are.

- Mr. Brogan.
- Who's he?

- Our union delegate.
- What are you doing in 'em clothes?

- They're helping out a friend.
- I'm sorry.

All right girls, out,
out of this theater.

It's the program please.

I am sorry, they're
wearing clothes.

That's another union altogether.

- We've got to call it off.
- We can't everybody is out there.

Well the Sergeant says
the show must go on!

- But we've got no women!
- Wait a minute.

We've got the costumes.

We've got the
records to play let's go.

She is here, she is here.

- Prince Danilo - It's
Sonia, the Merry Widow.

The Merry Widow!

The most beautiful
woman in Paris!

At last I get to meet her.
Be still my pounding heart.

The Countess Sonia,
the Merry Window!

Ah, well the Merry
Widow is late!

Women, women, women,
women, women, women, ah

You may study
her ways as you can

But a woman's too much for a man

It is deeper than
diving for pearls

Courting girls,
girls, girls, girls, girls

With her fair flaxen hair...

- Hold back.
- She's here, she's here!

- She's really here.
- It's Sonia the Merry Widow.

- The Merry Widow!
- The most beautiful woman in Paris!

At last I get to meet her.

The Countess Sonia
the Merry Widow.

Ooh ooh ooh! oh!

Vilia oh Vilia the
witch of the wood.

Would I not die
for you if I could?

Waltz the waltz.

Though I say not what I may not

Let you hear, Yet...

The Merry Window got away,

however there are
more women in the world.

Bring on the can-can girls.

Bring on the women
the can-can girls.

Lolo, Dodo, Coco, Margot,
Froufrou, I going through my...

- Curtains!
- But we tried!

- This is an outrage.
- We've been taken by a bunch of
soldiers.

Quiet! Swinehunds!

In Vienna you would
all be horse whipped.

Booo! Hear! I am Max Steinhardt.

I have never given
a bad performance

and I've never given back a
penny so you might as well get...

Hey, here is Mrs.
Fessenden tell them who I am.

Yes. He is an embezzler.

See. Booo!

This woman has
obviously been drinking.

Quiet! Quiet! Please be seated.

- He took our $500.
- You'll get your $500 back.

- She will?
- Every cent and Sergeant

will you please go
on with the show.

It's about time the girls from
your school had a little fun.

Nancy, are the girls
ready? They're all ready dad!

And on with the show!

Yet the swaying dance
is saying, love me dear.

Every touch of fingers,
tell me what I know.

Says for you, it's true

it's true, I love you so.

Announcer: Also appearing
in tonight's cast were:

Gretchen Wyler as Beulah,

Margaret Hamilton
as Miss Nightingale,

Janet Medland as Nancy Winthrop,

Edith King as Mrs. Fessenden,

Frank Thomas as Mr. Winthrop,

Paula Trueman as Mrs. Femisch

and Kay Strozzi as Mrs. Gatz.