The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 9 - A Mess Sergeant Can't Win - full transcript

Under the N - 32.

Under the, oh hold it
Gentlemen we have visitors.

Pull up a chair; it's
only 10 cents a card.

An excellent chance
to win an army blanket.

What about it?

Hey Ernie, mind if I talk to
the boys of your platoon?

Not at all, buddy of mine.

Gentlemen, we're about
to be to be addressed

with a few kind words
from Sgt. Grover.

Let's show him
inter-platoon hospitality.

Go right ahead.



Look fellows,
we're all chipping in

to run MSgt. Ritzik
a going away party.

Now Ritzik is a real.
- Ritzik?

- Where's he going?
- Where's he going?

Didn't you read the
"Orders of the day?"

Ritzik's hitch was up
and he's not re-enlisting.

- Ritzik, leaving the army?
- Yeah.

Ritzik, you’re pet pigeon.
I know just how you feel.

It's like Rockefeller's oil
wells suddenly drying up.

All right boys, a buck apiece.
Now give the Sarge a pen.

He'll be right at the door.
- Count me in Paparelli.

Sugarman got you.
All right, got you.

Thanks boys.
- Hold on, hold on.

Put me down for $20.
- 20?



Yeah, that's what I won
on a bet from him last week.

Give it him.
- I'm sorry, Ernie.

Sorry? What are you sorry about?

Well, when we told
Ritzik about the party,

he said okay, but
on one condition.

What was that? That
you won't be there.

I'm, he's kidding you.

We were in the
South Pacific together.

Look Ernie, that's
the way he wants it.

Don't forget fellows
the party will be at 8:15,

at the Mess Hall
on Saturday night.

Will there be dames Grover?

Yeah, be careful who you
bring, his wife will be there.

Ha haa! We will let you.

I want to bring that
tall, look you know.

Ha haa! What a doll!

Look Sarge, Ritzik
is just steamed

because he never
beats you at betting.

That's another thing.
That's business.

But not wanting me at
his farewell party, oh no.

This I've got to hear
from his own lips.

Finally after 15
years you're made up

getting a little
intelligence into your head.

I'm glad that you're
leaving this army.

I wouldn't care if there
was just an enemy to face,

but Bilko was just too much.

As long as he's on this
post, you'll never have a dime.

All these years I've
stood by silently.

- Silently?
- Yes.

Stood by watching you
make a chump out of yourself

with those bets of his.

But that's all over
now. Come in.

Hey, Mrs. Ritzik. Hello Rupert.

Stay away from him Rupert.

Well, I've just heard
that he's leaving the army.

I mean after all we've
been together 15 years.

15 years of you milking him
out of every dime with those bets.

Oh big, Mrs.

The gravy train is
leaving Sgt. Bilko.

We're going
out to civilian life,

where men like
you are put in jail.

You know in your heart
you don't mean that.

There is something I must
hear from Rupert's own lips.

Stay away from him, Rupert.

Now Rupert, did you
actually say you didn't want me

at your farewell party?

Yes, that's exactly
what he said.

Without a handshake,
without a goodbye?

That's right.

He's through
making bets with you.

He's got $400 saved up,
and you're not going to get

that on any bet with him,

because he's going
to keep every cent of it.

And we're going up to Peoria
to open a little luncheonette.

Ritzik, is this true?
- You heard me.

Wait a second, $400
to open a luncheonette,

you've got no chance.

These days that won't
even buy you 2 stools.

You'll need more
money. I got it.

I'll run you a
testimonial dinner.

You'll do nothing.
Just leave us alone.

- But look all I'm...
- No!

Is this your final word Rupert?

- Stay away from him Rupert!
- Stay away from him Rupert!

Oh she is a lovely woman
you've got, lovely, lovely.

- You've got it all listed there?
- See for yourself Sarge.

We've got every bet done
that you've ever made with him.

We were going to send
it in the believe it or not.

This guy has finesse

This is the
unluckiest, look at this.

Look at what we bet on in the
1948 Kentucky Derby, Trigger.

Trigger!

What does it all total up to?

$375.

All right, make it an even
$400 that I won from him,

and I'm going to
give it back to him.

- You're going to give it back?
- Yeah.

He's thinking of opening
a luncheonette at $400.

What chance has he got?

With $800 he's got a chance in
these days to stay in business.

Where are you going to get $400?

Boys.

Eddie.
- I've.

You know we're missing
a bet with this platoon.

We should enter
them into the Olympics.

Sarge, they've been
burned once too often.

Besides they ain't
$20 among all of them.

Look, I've got to
raise $400 for Ritzik

if I have to sell
everything I own.

You can't, that's it.
Sell everything I own.

You mean all this
junk in your room?

Junk? How dare you!

You call these hallowed
war souvenirs junk?

You call this early
American prince junk?

These priceless possessions,
junk indeed, take some notes.

- Right.
- Now I want this

converted into posters
and put all over the post,

"Attention!
Attention! Attention!

Sale, at a tremendous loss

of the entire estate
of Sgt. E. Bilko.

Come one, come all.

Free entertainment, free
refreshments, if available."

25 cents.

- 50 cents.
- 1 buck.

- A buck and a half.
- $1.60.

Stop it! Stop the
sale! Stop the sale!

A buck 60? $1.60
indeed for a television set?

A $1.60 for this electronic
marvel that brings

the finest entertainment in the
world into your drab existence.

A dollar, show them that.

$1.60 for this magic box
that brings you Jack Benny,

Ed Sullivan, Jackie Gleason.

Yeah, it's only a 2 inch screen.

That won't even get
Jackie Gleason's elbow.

Indeed $1.60 for
this tremendous,

all right gentlemen do you
know what it means to me

to part with this
after 10 years?

It's like a wrench
out of my heart.

Yes, some wrench,
it never once worked.

I'm glad you brought
that up. We find out why.

We've been plugging
it into the electricity.

We found out this works on gas.

Now gentlemen, the last
bid I heard was $1.60, $1.40.

Sell it for $1.60 to
the original bidder.

- Don't want it.
- It's yours.

I saw that hand up.
Now gentlemen on we go.

Oh no, not that.

I'm sorry gentlemen please,
don't force me to sell this.

I know the sign said all
my personal possessions.

But there are certain, please
why do you embarrass me

by bringing out
things that I can't.

Gentlemen that
was, well if you insist.

All right I accept
the challenge.

Gentlemen those of
you who are familiar

with the news reels will
remember this prized relic,

which has disappeared
from the collectors scene.

Nobody knows where it
is, but we know right now.

Do you recognize this?

This was the sword,
tendered in surrender

on the USS Missouri
to General MacArthur.

This sword belonged to Tojo,

who was here to say.

Translated that meant,
"General take Japan,

but don't take my sword."

But General MacArthur
stern taskmaster he was said,

"Oh no, to the victor
belongs the spoils,"

and then there
was this confusion,

a third cousin of mine
named Victor Spoils

was confused at the time.

He thought this
was a gift to him,

and he confiscated this
sword, innocently but he had it.

Now the Smithsonian
Institute has been looking

all over the world
for this prize relic!

Now how much I've turned
down any number of offers.

What am I offered? 10 cents.

Sold!

Oh Mrs. Ritzik, Rupert
I bet I know someone

Who's in for a big surprise.

- I'll take that bet.
- Rupert.

This will only
take a minute Mrs.

- Rupert isn't listening.
- Oh he'll listen to this,

now look that
$400 that you have.

Oh why did I mention it?

Well be grateful in your
heart that you did mention it.

What chance have you got
going into business with $400?

Now look, I'm not
good at speeches,

this additional $400 will help.

You're going to give me $400?

Yes.

Don't touch it.

Don't worry Emma, I
wasn't born yesterday.

What are you talking about?

Oh listen, I've been
around you too long

not to know a
gimmick when I see it.

What kind of gimmick?
Here is your $400.

Yeah, the only
time you give $400,

if you would expect
to get back $800.

Are you crazy?

There are no strings
attached with this here.

Oh find yourself another sucker!

Oh for heaven
sake here it's yours.

- Rupert.
- Hey! Hey!

Here, there's your money.

He refused this 400
bucks you offered him?

I tell you it's crazy.

He thinks it's some kind of
a gimmick to get him to bet.

I can understand it. Bet,
wait a minute that's it.

That's all he dreams of,
is beating me out of a bet.

You're going to get him to bet?

- Yes.
- But Sarge, he can't beat you.

I'll bet him that even he's
got to win, something great.

- What kind of a bet?
- I don't know.

I'll think of something.
Where is he now?

He's over at the Mess Hall.

He's making a
cake for the colonel's

25th wedding
anniversary tonight.

Hold it, that's
it. That's the bet.

It will be ready at the
time for the party sir.

Thank you sergeant.

25 years.

They don't make
marriages like that anymore.

Well of course I'm on duty;
I'm just checking the menus.

- Hey boys!
- I'm busy Bilko.

To my darling

Is this for the colonel
anniversary party tonight?

- So, what?
- So what.

I will take a piece
right now about that big.

You, you're not going
to be at the party.

Neither is the Colonel's wife.

Party has been called
off, they're breaking up.

Breaking up?

Yeah. It's a shame.

I got information they had a
tremendous fight, they're through.

Are you kidding
the colonel's wife?

What?

You're pretty sure
about that Bilko?

Sure, am I ever wrong?
- The colonel...

Oh so there's going to be
no party tonight, huh Bilko?

That is not a shame
after all the years.

No party, eeh, save
me a piece of cake.

Gee, isn't a shame
after 25 years

the colonel and his
wife are breaking up.

But the colonel with
the cake was just.

They're ain't breaking up.

- I know but Bilko don't know it.
- So?

Well maybe I can
suck him into a bet.

You mean you're
going to get Bilko to bet.

That the colonel and his
wife aren't breaking up?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Hey, they aren't, are
they? Are you nuts.

They're the loveliest,
doviest couple in the army.

- Make your bet don't worry.
- Wait, I better make sure.

Oh Sgt. Ritzik.

Oh I just came
in to tell you that

the cake will be
ready for the party.

Oh thank you Sergeant.

There is going to be a party?

- Of course why not?
- Oh nothing, nothing.

You're wife's a
wonderful woman sir.

Nell? The finest in the world.

There isn't any
trouble, is there?

I mean there is no trouble?

Trouble, well of course not.

Thank you, I got him.

Trouble? Ridiculous.

365.

The last $400 we've
got to our name

and you're taking it
on a bet with Bilko.

I could have you committed.

This is what I've
been waiting for,

a chance to get all my
money back from Bilko.

Stay away from
him, I begged you.

Look it's a cinch, let
me ask you something,

is there a happier
couple in the world

than the colonel and his wife.

- No, but.
- Well...

Are you sure he'll bet you
$400 that she is leaving him

And there is not going
to be a party tonight?

Well, I got him dangling.

Okay, but let me
check myself first

and don't you make
one move until I get back.

Ah Mrs. Ritzik.

I was just going by colonel,
so I thought I'd stop by

And congratulate you
on your 25th anniversary.

Oh thank you.

Imagine 25 years and
no trouble between you,

- I mean and no trouble.
- No, no trouble.

Your wife is a wonderful
woman Col. Hall.

She is certainly is.

Please give my very best to
your wife when you get home.

- I'll do that.
- Ah, she will be there?

Of course, tonight's the party.

It's still on? I
mean it's still on.

- Why shouldn't it be?
- Oh no reason at all colonel.

Thank you colonel.

What is everybody talking about?

Maybe they're trying to tell me

something about my
wife that I don't know.

Ah it's ridiculous.

Let me get this straight.

You want to be me $400
that the party is on tonight

and the colonel and his
wife are not breaking up?

That's right.

Look, Ritzik, save your money,

I happen to know
they hate each other.

I knew when the chips were
down you'd chicken out, Bilko.

I don't like that
language. I accept that.

You forced me into this bet,

I'll be at your Mess Hall
in an hour with the $400.

You heard it boys.
He said in an hour.

Yes an hour. He fell for it.

An hour, why don't you give it to
him now, you've got the money.

I just remembered
his luck. I better check.

- Col. Hall Sir.
- Oh it's you Bilko.

Congratulations sir.

- Thank you Bilko?
- How is your wife?

Oh what, why do you ask?

Oh just interested sir.

There isn't anything
wrong, is there Sir.?

Of course there isn't.
Why should there be?

Oh no reason at all Sir. Your
wife is a wonderful woman.

Thank you. Anything else?

Oh yes Sir, about the party.

- It's still on.
- Oh splendid, fun, fun, fun.

Thank you, sir.

What's going on?

The husband is
always the last to know.

Well not this time.
I'm going to find out.

- Oh John it's you!
- Why?

Were you expecting
somebody else?

No! It's just that you
never come home

in the middle of the afternoon.
- I don't huh?

But maybe if I did, I'd find
out what's going on here.

John Hall, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about what the
whole post is talking about.

Something is going on
here that I don't know about.

John Hall, don't you
dare use that tone of voice.

I use any tone of voice
I want to until I find out

what's going on around here.

You must be mad!

I was mad but now
I'm getting smart.

It's all over the post,
everybody is talking about it,

and I'm going to
find out what it is.

Well here is my $400.

Okay. Here is my $400.

Now the conditions of the
bet are understood, right?

Right.

Well, it's simple he says that
the colonel's wife is leaving,

and there is going
to be no party tonight.

- Right. Is it a bet?
- It's a bet.

- What's going on here?
- Tell the sucker.

The colonel was
here a half an hour ago

and okayed the cake.
- Oh no!

I was in his office too
and my wife checked.

They are the happiest
couple in the world.

Attention!

Col. Hall. Col. Hall

The cake is ready
for the party Sir.

Party, there isn't
going to be any party.

- I knew it.
- No party?

- I knew it.
- My wife left me.

- I knew it.
- Left you?

- Everybody knew it.
- I knew it.

What's the meaning?
Sir, I'm sure of your wife.

We can rectify this.

- I knew it!
- Rupert.

You can't beat him. I give up.

I'll tell the truth. I just
can't... take the money!

Boys, let me explain.

Now when are you going to
let that guy get luncheonette?

- You don't understand.
- There's your cake, choke on it.

How do you like that?

Did you ever see
such an unlucky guy?

He must have shot an albatross.

Look, first thing we've
got to do is get the colonel

and his wife back together.

Take a couple of wires,
quick. Right Sarge.

Send one wire that
says, "Dear, Bunny.

Please forgive me. I love you.

Sign it Boo Boo."
- I got it.

Take another wire, "Dear
Boo Boo please forgive me

I love you. Sign it Bunny."
- I got it.

And send one to the colonel,
one to the colonel's wife.

Which one? What
difference does it make?

Which one is Boo, Boo?

Now I've got to find a way
to get this $800 to Ritzik.

Now you better hurry.
He is leaving in 3 days.

I've got to think of a bet.

- Again?
- Something that he can't lose.

What's this?

These are Rupert's
discharge papers.

I better bring over to him.
- Oh, let me look at that.

Rupert B. Ritzik,
born Peoria, Illinois.

Now there is a valuable
piece of information to know.

- Why?
- Why?

Because I'm going to bet
him he was born in Singapore.

Lots of good luck to
you and Mrs. Ritzik.

- Thank you.
- We'll miss you Sergeant.

- I'll miss you too sir.
- Coming, Bunny.

I'll be right along Boo Boo.

There is nothing
like a little family fight

to make you realize
what you've got.

Great guys.

Mrs. Hall having
you back in the post

is like a ray of
sunshine hitting Kansas.

Hey boys, look fill out this
transportation requisition.

I filled in the rest. You
just sign your name.

I'll get the truck to
move your stuff and,

what's the matter with him?

His wife said she, he
ain't allowed to talk to you.

He says have the truck
around first thing in the morning.

All right, with me here,
just sign the requisition.

Oh what's this, a
gag? What is it Ritzik?

He's got me down that
I was born in Singapore.

Singapore, China.
Yeah, tell him he's nuts!

I was born; tell him I
was born in Peoria Illinois.

He says he was
born in Peoria Illinois.

He's changing. Oh
change it, just like that.

I'm sorry gentlemen; I
will not falsify Army records

just because a man is ashamed
of being born in Singapore.

He is crazy.

I was born in Peoria,
at 323 Acorn Street.

- My folks still live there!
- Look, that his business.

If he is ashamed of being born
in Singapore, I can't help that.

Hey, what's with Singapore?
I can't even spell it.

Look, don't toy with me.
I have other things to do.

- I happen to know the facts.
- What facts?

You want me to tell
you in front of the boys?

- Yeah, yeah tell me.
- You asked for it.

- Go ahead.
- Just so happens

that your mother
was a "dancing girl"

in a Singapore café
when she met your father

a sea captain who was
engaged in shall we say

some rather mysterious
activities along the China Coast.

He's nuts.

My mother never
left Peoria in her life.

My father is a butcher.

If he ever got near a
pier, he'd get seasick.

Oh, that's rather amusing. I
guess I'm wrong again, huh?

Like I was wrong on the
bet about the Colonel?

You're so wrong
and it ain't funny.

I suppose you put your
money where your mouth is.

What do you mean?

I'll bet you $800
against your car

that you were born in Singapore.

You wanna bet me I
wasn't born in Peoria?

Is it a bet?

All you have to do if you want
to make the bet stick your head

out the window and go, "Baaa!"

and I'll know
it's fleecing time.

You got him! You got him!

Bilko overplayed his
hand there Yeah, yeah.

That was great Rupert the
way you sucked him into that bet.

I did?

You weren't born in
Singapore, were you?

No, I was born in Peoria.

Are you positive?

I'm positive! I'm positive!

Then bet with
him. I'll call Bilko.

Wait, wait. I better check.

You're crazy! You're
a stark raving maniac!

Will you put that telephone down

so I can call the authorities to
come and drop the net on you?

Quiet he has bet me $800

that I was born in Singapore.

I ought to know
where I was born.

Operator, operator,
please, hurry up that call!

First you lost the $400,
then you lose the car,

I'll be next.

Oh quiet, quiet.
Hallo, mother, mama.

This is Rupert.

Rupert, how are you son?
When are you coming home?

Never mind that mama.

There is one question
I've got to ask you.

Have you been hiding
something from me?

Now it's all right,
don't spare my feelings.

Mama, were you ever

a dancing girl in a
café in Singapore?

Son, have you been
drinking? What?

You were born right
here in this house.

Thank you mama. I've got him.

- I got him.
- You can't bet with him.

Rupert you can't win.

I got him! I got him!

Well, well.

All right, here is the
registration to my car.

Here is the $800. Is it a bet?

Well, let me get it straight.

You say that I was
born in Singapore.

Right, you say you
were born in Peoria.

Is it a bet?

Look come on, come on.

- Nail him!
- Get him!

I'll be right back.

- You're a lunatic.
- You're an absolute lunatic.

Quiet, quiet I've got the
Peoria City Hall on the line

they'll hear you.

I don't care if they hear me.
I don't care if they hear me.

I want everybody to know
that my husband is crazy.

Did you hear me everybody.
My husband is a nut.

Help me take him
away. They heard me.

They're going to come and
take you away you'll see.

Oh quiet, quiet! Hallo, yeah.

I have your birth
certificate right here.

Ritzik Rupert B.

Mother Alice, father Stanley.

Weight 6 pounds 3 ounces.

Oh no; there can be
no doubt whatever.

You are a Peoria baby.
- Oh thank you.

Did you hear that
I am Peoria baby?

Rupert no, I'm begging you.

On bended knees I'm begging you.

You can't win from him.

But I checked my mother,
the Doctor, the Hall of Records.

I don't care who
you checked with.

If Bilko says you were
born in Singapore,

you were born in Singapore.

- All right, now is it a bet.
- Don't rush me.

- Now let me ask you, is it a bet?
- Let me think.

Look, is this a betting
contest or a staring contest?

Well, let me get it
straight now it's a bet.

I'd say that I was
born in Peoria.

I say you were
born in Singapore.

Right, now you make the bet.

After that we'll open up the
sealed permanent records

and then we'll know.

Right. Now is it a bet?

Now you're sure that I
was born in Singapore?

Sure? Who can be sure?

Life's a gamble,
and I like to gamble.

Is it a bet? Now, I don't know.

- Don't blow this.
- Oh don't confuse me.

You know you
were born in Peoria.

See I don't know what I know.

Now look, look, I want to bet.

Take any side.
- Hey you heard him!

You heard him! He
said take any side.

What are you talking about?

All right, wise guy I'm
calling the shots now,

I take Singapore.

You're nuts.

You heard me, I
said I take Singapore.

No, no the bet is
off I don't want this.

You can't refuse I've
got you nailed on this one.

- Nailed?
- Yeah, my wife was right.

She told me that if you
said I was born in Singapore.

I was born in Singapore.

I don't know how
you found out, but I...

Rupert you can't!

I checked, yeah I checked my
telephone through administration.

That's where his girl Hogan
works and she put all the calls.

Wait, your dreaming.

Yeah, I dreamt I was
talking to my mother.

Meanwhile I was talking
to one of your confederates.

And that clerk at Peoria,
yes, you are a Peoria baby.

I can recognize Corporal
Henshaw's phony imitations.

- Oh no, no.
- It's a bet.

- No bet.
- Oh you don't.

You can't weasel
out of this Bilko.

For the first time
in his time in his life

he's nailed you that's a bet.

Now wait a minute,
let me explain.

It's a bet.

I don't know how
you figured this out.

What do you think
Rupert, you're great.

You're great.

After you've been hanging
around here for a while

you get used to...

- What is Steve?
- What is it Steve?

- Tell him Steve.
- Rupert you were born in.

- Yeah.
- Peoria.

- I knew it. Rupert.

- I knew it.
- Rupert.

- I knew it.
- I want to talk to you, look.

Well that's the way he operates.

He makes his switch.

I should be wise with him. Oh!

I want to tell you
what happened,

Rupert listen to me.

Oh look, you'll clean me out.

All I've got left is my wife.

I don't want to bet her.

Look, about the bet I was just.

A bet!

I wouldn't bet you that
my name is Rupert Ritzik.

It's a bet. What?

You heard him, he
shook at it that it's a bet.

I just bit him $800 and
the car against his wife,

that his name his
not Rupert Ritzik.

Look it up in the records

you'll find his name
is Nathaniel Kilman.

Look it up.

- What's my name.
- Hold it.

Look, Fort MacArthur.

I knew it.

No, that's where
you were inducted.

Oh where I was inducted!

- What's my name?
- Wait here, here Rupert Ritzik.

- Rupert Ritzik.
- I win.

Good heavens how did I ever
let myself get tricked into this bet.

Oh Emma, I won
$800. Emma I beat him!

I won $800.

I did I ever let myself
get tricked into this bet.

Oh knock it off Bilko.

Now we know about the
Colonel and the cake and all that.

- Come in.
- Hey Rupert, hey Mrs. Ritzik.

Hey Ernie!

Thought I'd come over and
help you move off the post.

Oh you'd like
that, wouldn't you?

- What?
- Oh you'd like that.

You want to get rid of me
now that my luck is changing.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, I ain't going buddy.

- I just signed up 4 more years.
- You're staying on?

Are you kidding?

The way I beat
you on that last bet.

- This is a goldmine for me.
- Oh no.

Yeah, and I know
how you operate,

and I'm one step ahead of you.

Why?

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Beatrice Pons as Mrs. Ritzik,

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Ned Glass as Sgt. Pendleton

and Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.