The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 6 - Bilko's War Against Culture - full transcript

Is my staff car ready?

No Sir, Sgt. Bilko
is still working on it.

All that was wrong with it
was a little rattle in the rear.

Oh no! They're sending us
another special service officer.

Lt. D.M Roxberry.

Don't they ever give up?
He's the 4th one this year.

For duty at Fort Baxter to
establish cultural programs

for the purpose of discouraging
indiscriminate gambling.

What's so
indiscriminate about it?

Thanks to Bilko there
isn't a post in the Army

where gambling
is better organized.



On Saturday night, this
post makes Las Vegas

look like a ghost town.

Perhaps this officer, perhaps
this officer has a new approach Sir.

Yes but he will have the
same assistant, Sgt. Bilko.

I'd better call him in here.

Now what time is it?
- 4 o'clock Sir.

Now that means
his phone is free,

the races are over at Belmont.

Work noises, work noises.

Motor pool, Sgt. Bilko,
just a moment Sir.

Fellows, will you hold that
work down a moment please.

Yes Colonel? Your staff car?
Just a moment Sir and I will check.

What's the schedule
on Colonel's staff car?

You rented it to Cpl. Hecker
for his date tonight Sir.



Oh, I'm sorry Sir,
we're having trouble

replacing the
differential, we'll try...

Tomorrow? Ah, just a
moment Sir. Tomorrow.

You're driving it in a stock
car race tomorrow Sir.

Oh, I'm sorry Sir, we're
having a lot of difficulty

getting the parts,
but I'll... Monday?

Well, if we replace
the fenders we'll try.

Well, I'll give you
my word of honor Sir.

Oh yes.

Yes I'll drop all work
until that happens.

Of course Sir yes.

I knock.
- Schneider a gin off.

What was that?

Ah, Cpl. Barbella though he
heard a knock in your car Sir,

and I told Pvt. Schneider
to turn the engine off.

Oh I see. - What is it Sir?

They are playing gin rummy.

Barbella just got
Schneider with a gin off.

Sir, if you're sure
they're gambling

we can catch him in the act.

Catch him? I've
been trying for 8 years;

they got a warning system
that makes radar obsolete.

Bilko, a new special
service officer is on the post.

And I wanna see
that you get your men

to volunteer for his classes.

And none of your usual
bets on how long he'll last.

Well Sir, you misunderstand,
of course I will be in your office

as soon as I can with
the list of volunteers Sir.

Thank you Sir. What
did you knock with?

Oh yes, I forgot
fellas, there's a new

special service
officer on the post,

anybody want to
volunteer for his classes.

No one? That's too bad. What
else did the Colonel want Sir?

Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.

Colonel reminded me
there will be no betting

on how long the special
service officer lasts.

Start a pool.
- Right Sergeant.

A buck say he won't
last a week long.

Lt. Roxberry is waiting.
Yes I'm expecting him.

Send him right in. The
new special service officer?

Yes, it's pitiful how
they come here

with dreams of making
this a cultural paradise.

Come right in Lieutenant.

Lt. Roxberry reporting
Sir, special services.

You will find that
they're working...

Oh! Welcome to... Oh! Welcome
to Fort Baxter Lieutenant.

Thank you Sir.

I would like you to
meet Lt. Cranston.

How do you do?
- How do you do?

How do you do Lieutenant?

How do you do? That
will be all Cranston.

Lieutenant, I know that
our cultural record is bad,

but we have a unique problem.

I said that will be all
Cranston. Oh yes Sir.

Cranston, why don't
you try the door?

Lieutenant about
this unique problem.

You mean your Sgt. Bilko?

You mean the special
services has a file on Bilko?

It's more than a file Sir.

It's an exhibit.
- An exhibit?

It's a depressing picture
of how one sergeant

has been allowed to
sabotage our cultural program

because it interferes
with his gambling activity.

Lieutenant, if I can
catch him just once.

You won't have to Sir.

With the cultural
program I developed

the man will leave Bilko
and flock to our classes.

Just let me show you.

We have painting and folk singing.
- Come in.

Colonel, I pleaded with the men

and not one of them
would volunteer.

Bilko, this is Lt. Roxberry,
our new special service officer.

Welcome aboard Sir

I myself Sir, I'm
ready to cooperate.

Ready!
- So you're Sgt. Bilko?

I've heard of you.

Lies! All lies Lieutenant.

Hear my side of the story.

I didn't have to hear about
you sergeant, I know your type.

Every commanding officer
has one like you on the post.

Are you sure Lieutenant?

I thought the war department
had singled me out for punishment.

Give me a leader who can make
his men chuckle, chuckle all the...

Quiet!
- Yes Sir.

Lieutenant, have you any
instructions for Sgt. Bilko.

Instructions?
- I'm sure we can work this out together.

I have a little
restaurant in town.

It's very close. It's
bohemian, has candle lights.

It won't be necessary.

Well, it'll be too dark but
if you want it that way...

Bilko?
- Sir?

You're speaking to an officer.
- Yes Sir.

That's all right Colonel.

What I was getting at is
that I won't need your help.

I brought my own assistant.

But Lieutenant the
men depend on...

I said that I won't need you.

But Lieutenant,
you will find that

the men won't
show up if I'm not...

Bilko! You heard the Lieutenant.

Yes Sir.

And now Lieutenant,
if you'll sit down

and just tell me
about your program.

Well Sir, you'll notice here

I have a list of things
that we're going to...

Excuse me Sir, has your
wife returned from Toledo?

My wife? Oh, my wife. Yes, yes.

Ah, she got back 6 months ago.

Oh, you'll like the Colonel's
wife, she is a lovely woman.

Never mind.

Yeah, she's one of the
boys and a crack shot too...

Quiet! Go on Lieutenant.

Well Sir, the important thing is
to have something for everyone.

You see we have
easels for the painters

and Bavarian folk
costumes for the dancers.

And oh yes Bilko, I have
something for you too.

For me?

Ah, Cpl. Sandburg?
- For me!

Oh, Lieutenant,
you shouldn't have.

I brought Cpl. Sandburg
along to help me.

Oh, it's what I've
always wanted.

Bilko! But Sir, she
said it was for me.

You're not going to pull
rank on me, are you?

Quiet!

This is what I have for
you sergeant, a work detail.

Corporal, give him the list
of equipment to be picked up

and deliver it to
the recreation hall.

Well I'm sure the
Lieutenant will reconsider

between the 3 of us.

Bilko!
- All right the 4 of us.

Quiet!

All right Corporal
let's set up shop.

Perhaps I can help.

Bilko!
- Sir?

I want to have a word with you.
- Yes Sir.

Bilko, if I ever find
out that you're trying

to influence the men to
not volunteer for her classes.

Influence the men after all Sir,

the men come to me
for guidance and counsel,

I take them just mere fledgling

and I mould them and
I put their faltering feet

on the firm paths of life Sir.

Never mind Bilko, we already
have a Chaplain on the post.

Oh yes and he's
doing a grand job, he is.

Yes he is Sir.

I think I'm needed, will you
excuse me Sir? Thank you.

Put it up there very high
Corporal where they can all see.

Here let me help you.
- Never mind.

Oh perhaps if I
lifted the Corporal.

I said never mind.

How are you doing in
there, need anything?

Sergeant, get the
truck down to the station

and bring that equipment
in here for the classes.

Tell the men those classes
start 8 o'clock tonight.

And they've got a gypsy violin

that will drive you
out of your mind.

Sergeant!
- Maam?

Did you hear what I said?
I said 8 o'clock tonight.

Oh you're coming with us, I
will make a reservation for 3.

Get me Gino's restaurant.
- Put down that phone.

I said the classes
start at 8 o'clock tonight.

Oh that, Lieutenant I'm thinking

that you will find the
men won't come out Sir.

Why not? What's the matter?

Well, if you didn't
know its Saturday night,

tonight is Monte
Carlo in our barracks.

Monte Carlo night?
Does that mean gambling?

Oh good heavens no. It's
our salute to Grace Kelly.

Yes you see, we sit around
and discuss our old pictures

and then we write
her a group fan letter.

Yes, I'm sure.

Did the Lieutenant
know that Prince Rainier

is an honorary
Corporal in our platoon?

Oh really?
- Oh yes, since the day he proposed.

If you drop in at midnight,
we drink a toast to him

and then we sing the
Monaco National anthem.

It's a simple song, I
could teach to you.

M is for the money.

Never mind.
- Good heavens.

What?

I just noticed, the
startling resemblance

the Lieutenant
has to Grace Kelly.

Never mind.

It's amazing, please
let me write me MGM,

they're looking
for a replacement.

Attention.

I gave you an order
to Corporal, Sergeant,

now get down there
to the railway station

and bring that
equipment in here tonight.

But Lieutenant
I'm trying to say.

Quiet! But the men
will never come.

Quiet! Let the men choose
between the finer things

the Army has to offer

and the low gambling
offered by finagling Sergeant.

But Lieutenant...

Bilko! You heard the Lieutenant.
- Yes Sir.

Well, well, well Lieutenant.

I see you're making
yourself comfy.

And did your wife have a
good time in Toledo Sir?

My wife? Yes, yes.

Sarge, didn't we hear you right?

You mean tonight
we play on credit?

And we don't need money?

Well, I'm worried
about the attendance.

Eh sarge, what are
you worried about?

Sure, we'll be there.

Well I'm afraid somebody
might come around,

and get you to sign up
for the cultural classes.

Cultural classes.

Sarge, are you nuts?

Sarge, we promise
we will be there.

Oh, promise is not good enough.

I want it in an oath.

Assume positions for the oath.

Right hand, I
promise Sgt. Bilko...

I promise Sgt. Bilko...

He who thinks of
nothing but his men...

He whose every waking
hour is devoted to our welfare,

and all he asks in return
is love and loyalty...

He whose every waking
hour is devoted to our welfare

and all he asks in return
is love and loyalty...

I solemnly promise
that I will not sign up

for any cultural classes...

I solemnly promise
that I will not sign up

for any cultural classes...

This I swear with all my heart.

Now I feel better.

All right boys what
else can I say to you

but tonight,
tonight at 8 o'clock.

Yeah, over here, -
this way Corporal.

Men, I'm Lt. Roxberry.

Where do we sign up?

Any sign of them Ernie?

They must be late
getting out of the mess hall.

Table ready?
- All set Sarge.

The alarm on? Oh, there's
the little money maker.

Oh you little darling you.

Hey, hey, don't get
that wheel too hot.

Wait a minute, where are the

liverwurst sandwiches
for the losers.

In your room. All right,
now, when they get here

they should be here,
they're 15 minutes late.

The alarm! Brass coming.

Attention!
- At ease.

Colonel this is a
pleasant surprise.

I just dropped by Bilko,

I thought you might
be a little lonely tonight.

Lonely? Why? My men
will be here any minute Sir.

Your men? They're
all in the recreation hall.

In the recreation hall?

You ought to be
proud of them Bilko.

I am, I am Sir
they're smart boys.

Yes they are. I wish I
could say the same for you.

Oh Sir.
- Your clock is a little slow.

Oh Corporal, would you go
help with the folk dancers please.

Sergeant, I'm so glad
that you could make it.

Why Corporal Fender, that's
wonderful work you're doing.

Don't you think so Sergeant?

Oh yes, I love that
yellow streak there.

It's very good.
- Oh the folk dancers.

We're ready Lieutenant.
Isn't this exciting Sarge?

Music.

No, no. Stop the music.

Now fellas remember
its harvest time

and you're the
Bavarian peasants.

Lieutenant would you
show it to us again?

I'm not so sure about the steps.

Sure I will, come on
Corporal let's show them again.

One, two, one two.

All right fellas, stop
the music that's enough.

Oh, the merry pipers.

Do you remember that tune
we rehearsed yesterday?

Where is the huntsman
with his horn, ta, ta, ta.

Shall we?

Where is the huntsman
with his horn, ta, ta, ta?

That was lovely.

Lieutenant would you help me,

it's so much better
when you do it.

Sure come on Corporal, help me.

I will need help
with this little finger.

I'm having trouble with here.

Good, okay fellas
will you rehearse that

for a little while by
yourselves will you.

Oh sergeant would
you make the list

of the men in the
classes please?

Oh Corporal, come on we'll
get the Beethoven albums.

Come on lets practice. One, two.

Oh don't stop on my
account I love this melody.

This is a fine cultural thing.

It's worth getting up at
5 o'clock in the morning.

What do you mean getting
up at 5 o'clock in the morning?

Well, isn't that when
the buglers get up?

Buglers? It's standard
Army procedure.

She didn't mention buglers.

They never do
but this is the way

the Army develops your wind.

First thing you know
you're blowing this thing

tatarata, tata tata.

The first thing you know it's
5 o'clock on a cold morning

and you are going
tatarata, tata tata.

Well, if you want to be
buglers take their names.

Ah! The merry fifers have fled.

The peasants are on the green.

Making merry dances.
It's harvest time.

Shut it off.

Why are you running? I
like this, this is very good.

I mean it develops
your leg muscles,

your feet this is good exercise.

This will come in handy
when you have to drill.

What do you mean drill?

Well you're soldiers;
let's face it soldiers, drill.

But Sarge we haven't
drilled in 5 years.

Course not, because for 5 years
I have been racking my brains

to get things to
get you out of it.

You Palmer I had
you down for flat feet.

Paparelli I said
you had sore ankles.

And Doberman I think I
had you down for 12 toes.

But what I'm going
to do if the Colonel

sees you jumping and dancing,

he is going to
insist that you drill.

Take the names of these fellas.

Ah! The happy
peasants have revolted.

Brushes up, like to paint.

Yeah. Take the
names of these men.

I'm having them paint the
barracks first thing in the morning.

Well the renaissance is over.

And now the crap
table is set up.

Chuck-a-Luck, and
the roulette wheel.

Shall we go and have a turn.

Now men if you
just gather around.

Oh jeez, I'm sorry Lieutenant.

Well I guess we
will not need these.

Well Corporal would you mind

I would like to be alone
for a moment please.

Yes maam. Oh nuts.

Really Lieutenant,
leaving after only 24 hours.

I know when I'm beaten Sir.

If I can ever get
proof that Bilko.

No Colonel, it wasn't
your fault it was mine.

Before trying to come here and
teach culture to Bilko's platoon

I should have taken a
course in guerilla warfare.

Sir the jeep is waiting.

Lt. Roxberry is leaving.

So soon, we hardly got
to know you Lieutenant.

I'll be packed and ready
to go at 6 o'clock tonight Sir.

Shame on you Bilko. It
was her first assignment.

Sir I was the most
shocked man on the post

when none of the men
would volunteer Sir.

Never mind Bilko, if
I ever get any proof

that you had anything to
do with influencing the men.

Really Colonel thanks heavens
I have an impartial witness

Corporal Barbella was there.

Now Corporal Barbella, did I
do anything to influence the men?

Sgt. Bilko, did at no time in
any manner, shape or form

use coercion duress
or undue influence

causing the men
to leave their class.

That's enough.

Bilko if I ever get definite
proof that you, in any way.

But Sir, you heard
Cpl. Barbella.

Sgt. Bilko did at no time in
any manner, shape, or form

use coercion, duress,
or undue influence on.

Quiet all right
Bilko you can go.

Thank you Sir. And take
Charlie McCarthy with you.

Charlie come on. Put this
away in the trunk Corporal.

Yes Lieutenant.

Oh Lieutenant I'm terribly sorry

I didn't know this was
your first assignment.

Forget it.

Is there anything that
I can do Lieutenant?

Yes there is, just have
the jeep ready at 6 o'clock

to take me to the airport.

But Lieutenant that's
not what I meant.

That's an order. Yes ma'am.

Culture is a weapon.

Lieutenant? Coming.

Sarge her first assignment.

What, what, what are
you looking at me for?

Why are we looking at you?

Why are we looking at you

Sgt. Bilko did at no time in
any manner, shape or form...

Ah shut up. What can I do? What?

Sarge maybe if we get the guys
back painting and singing tonight.

What are you talking about,
you know they lost last night,

they will be back to get even.

Who can stop them? Who?

Wait a minute.

What's the matter Sarge?

Now beat it.

Hallo Colonel you don't know me.

But I represent a group of
anti gambling on this post Sir.

Yes I know Sir,
we're a minority group.

But Sir I have definite proof

that they will be gambling
tonight in Sgt. Bilko's barracks.

There always is but I can
never get definite proof.

What, wait I will
take this down.

The clock is a roulette wheel.

The bulletin board
is a dice table, go on.

All right the wheel it spins
and spins and the number is 15.

Nobody had 15; well
these things happen.

A little action my
friend of course.

Ah! Too bad you lose,
well that's the way it goes.

Take that board, snake eyes.

Hey Sarge. What is it,
charge for everybody.

Doberman wants to know
if he can have some credit.

Credit?
- I went broke.

Liverwurst. Oh! The alarm!

Brass coming.

By the shores of Gitche Gumee.

By the shining sea water.
Stood the wigwam of...

Attention. At ease.

Welcome Colonel,
you're just in time

for our poetry
reading circle Sir.

I see just go right ahead.
You won't disturb us.

Thank you. Stood the
wigwam of Nokomis.

Daughter of the moon Nokomis.

Go right ahead.

Rose the black and
gloomy pine-trees,

Rose the firs with
cones upon them.

Go right ahead.

Beat the clear and sunny water
beat the shining Big-Sea-Water.

Go right ahead with
your poetry Bilko.

By the shores of Gitche Gumee.

Sarge, the roulette wheel.

Fellas, I'm sick all over
What is the matter Sarge?

There's an informer
in our group.

Nobody. Please, please no names.

Whoever the guilty man
is, knows it right in here.

The thing is we're
being watched fellas.

That means there
will be no more action.

Action? Where? How?
Wait a minute I have an idea.

Suppose we continue the
action in the culture classes

and nobody will suspect.

How can we gamble there?

I'm glad you asked that.

Sarge, are you going
to finish the poem.

Get him out of here.

Goodbye Col. Hall and
thanks for trying to help.

I feel very badly
about this Lieutenant.

Sir the jeep is waiting.

Come on Corporal.

Lieutenant would you mind
stopping by at the recreation hall

the men want to say goodbye.

The men? What are they
doing in the recreation hall?

Well what do men do
in the recreation hall Sir?

They have recreation.

Wait! I'm coming along.

What is he up to?

You showed us the way.

Oh! Isn't this
wonderful Colonel.

What is he up to?

All right men, give your
expressions, broad strokes with...

Oh! Look at Fender.
Isn't it remarkable? He...

has the reminiscence
of Picasso's blue period,

don't you think so?

Sir, are you looking
for something?

Can I help you?

I know it is here
somewhere but I can't find it.

The gambling angle,
the gimmick, the con...

When the Colonel uses his
military terms I don't understand.

Never mind.

Oh really Colonel how
can you doubt all this.

You don't know Bilko.

You must come back
for our Beethoven.

Well of course
we will, of course.

I know it's here somewhere.

All right men, broad
strokes with the brushes.

Give full freedom.

There are gone. All right okay.

Target in place. Can you see.

No, let it go.

25, who has 25?

See how Beethoven
developed his themes.

Drum pum pa-pum he was
supremely developed. Listen.

Isn't that ex...

Oh listen how he speaks
through his orchestration.

Oh, it's Beethoven.

What is he up to?

Oh he is up to the 7th movement.

Imagine, all 7
movements. Oh yeah.

Oh Colonel you must stay it
will only take an hour and half,

and then we're
going to have Mozart.

A chair for the Colonel.

An hour and half, never mind.

I have to go back to my office.

All right. Now what is he up to?

Some Colonel.

You notice the expression
when Beethoven.

They're gone. As
you were this is it.

Come on, come on, no coaching.

Wait a minute,
Doberman, Doberman.

It's official, he's asleep.

What was the time?

2 minutes 40 sec. Who had 2-40?

I got it.

Yes I know the muffin man,

the muffin man, the muffin man.

Yes we know the muffin man,

who lives on Drury Lane.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Thank you Lieutenant
we would hope to have

"Pussy Where is the
Cream" for the tea ready,

but the tenor... His
voice went away.

Sgt. Bilko I'm leaving this post

because you don't
need me anymore.

Oh we couldn't have done
this without you Lieutenant.

Oh it wasn't I
sergeant, it was culture.

Once the men were
exposed to culture,

it just never lets them free.

Once they've been
exposed to the finer things,

it just never lets them free.

Thank you, you were
magnificent Lieutenant.

Thanks for all of your help.

Thank you sergeant and
keep up the good work men.

Bye.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Now we sing it again gentlemen,
do you know the muffin.

They're gone.
All right this is it.

On your marks, set, go.

Hold it.

Zimmerman won. Paparelli second.

Mullen was third.
All right pay them off.

Zimmerman paid 420 to
win, 320 to place, 220 to show.

Paparelli paid 420
to place, 220 to show.

Mullen was disqualified
for mumbling get out

They're off the post.

Now we to get
back to the roulette,

we only do it the way we do it.

Come on guys...
Where is everybody?

Come on! Hey! The
roulette wheel is all set.

I'm sorry Sarge, I was teaching
Tony the peasant dance,

they're having a fair in Roseville
and they want peasant dance.

What are you talking
about? I got a new set up.

What's going on
with you, Fender?

Come on baby I got
the dice table real hot.

I've got everything set up.

Not now I'm just
getting started.

I'm getting those bold
strokes that you told me about.

What are you talking the
roulette wheel is all set.

Later sergeant.

Hey Fleishman come out of
here, play, what's going here?

Remember what Lt. Roxberry said?

Once the men have
been exposed to culture

it will never let them free.

Culture is a weapon. A weapon?

It's a weapon
against our way of life.

Come on, for
credit, you play free.

Sarge! Shhh? What's the matter?

Beethoven. What?

What is the matter
with you guys? Shhh.

You're not, you're
not going to put.

Please.

Not bad.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

Dina Merrill as Lt. Roxberry

and Mara McAfee, Cpl. Sandburg.