The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Face on the Recruiting Poster - full transcript

Sgt. Bilko.

Yeah, who are you?

Pvt. Mike McClusty
reporting, Sir.

All right.

You must be the
replacement for Smolney, huh?

Okay I'll take it now.
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, didn't they tell
you? Didn't they tell you?

Every new recruit donates
$10 to our "Help a Buddy" fund.

You see and then when you
leave the Army you get $100.

Hey, that's sounds
like a great idea.

Oh, we're going
to get along fine.



Come on in. I'll
check you into...

Oh, I've got a nice lower
bunk reserved for you.

Of course the upper
bunks are less expensive.

But you look like the type of
fellow who's used to the best.

- Take care of this.
- Thank you.

Come on in pal. Do
you like hot showers?

Yeah.

All right, give him a
handle marked hot.

That makes you an exclusive
member of the Hot Shower Club.

Sit down. Oh no, no, charge.

Please sit down.

Well, well, well, I hope
you're going to like us here.

- Well, that all depends.
- Depends on what?

Are there lots of
WACs on this post?



WACs? Sure, just
like any other post.

That's bad. Gee, I
hope there's no trouble.

- What do you mean trouble?
- Well, look at my record.

Let' see, transferred for
the good of the service,

transferred for
disciplinary measures,

transferred for
good be, trans...

transferred,
transferred, transferred.

You don't look like
a trouble-maker.

- I'm not, it's those WACs.
- What do you mean?

Well, I don't know what it is,

but sooner or later
they fight over me.

They fight over you?

I mean they don't fight
Frank Sinatra or Perry Como.

- They fight over you?
- It's terrible.

Here, see this disciplinary
enquiry at Fort Riley,

4 of them began tearing
each other's hair out

in front of a General,

and I was transferred
to Camp Crowley.

Really? I see that 2 days later

you were transferred
again, what happened?

Because 2 of them followed
me from Riley to Crowley.

They followed you?

- In duffle bags.
- In duffle bags?

Oh this is...

Please Sergeant don't
let it happen to me here.

Oh don't worry Romeo.
You'll get in to no trouble here.

Oh, take care of his papers,

I'll get him over
to administration,

and check him in.

Wow! I've heard everything.

Hey Sarge, some
hunk of a man, huh?

Sarge, we've got
something there, huh?

Well, I'd say we've
got something.

We have got the biggest liar in
the whole United States Army.

Oh you should hear him in there,

WACs following him from

post to post hiding
in duffle bags.

- Maybe it's true Sarge.
- What do you mean true?

If one-tenth of it was true,
a man with that appeal,

Hollywood would have
grabbed him years ago.

He would have replaced Cinerama.
- I'm ready Sarge.

Oh yes I'll take you over
to Casanova, follow me.

All right, after you've parked
the jeep, get in here Mike.

Where are my
little khaki beauties?

Work, work, work.

Hi Joanie.
- What is it Ernie? We're busy.

I've got a replacement
from Fort Riley, check him in.

Girls check in this replacement.

I've got to get
these vouchers out.

I've got to finish this poster.

Mary would you
please... I'm way behind.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Come on in Mike.

Hey how about tonight honey?

Mary, pick up those papers.

Oh there you are
Mike, this is Sgt. Hogan.

This is the new replacement.

- Check him in.
- I'd be glad to.

- I'll do it Sir.
- Oh no let me do it.

- Sgt. Bilko!
- Run for your life.

Quiet! Quiet!

It's true! It's true!

I'll take those papers.

Down you savages! Mike, wait!

Please Sergeant I don't
want to be transferred again.

I promise you,
it's going to... look,

take him in, show
him his detail.

The boys will take care of
you; go right in with the fellows.

Now the rest of you men,
you have to do your work

and do it in an orderly fa...

Come here, conference, quick!

Men, this is it.

Get your hips
fitted for jaguars.

Oh here we go again.

It's true, everything
he said is true.

I saw with my own eyes.

WACs they throw themselves
at him, women they...

how has he lived there?
I don't understand...

They follow him in duffle bags.

In my room right now gentlemen

is the biggest woman
trap since ranch mink.

- Dames go for him, huh?
- Go for him?

How he's lasted this long...

Here you, outside watch,
see if anybody followed him.

You Zimmerman, Gomez
you're 24 hour guard duty.

Wait a minute! Wait!

If anything is moving,
shoot in the air,

it may be a WAC
on the prowl watch it.

What?

I'm telling you, we may have
to set booby traps because...

Don't look around,
don't, don't look around.

Who, whose duffle
bag is that over there?

- McClusty's.
- Back, quiet!

Young lady you have
to come out of there.

Oh it's all right.

You see if he gets transferred,
we've got to watch that.

If he gets transferred

our million dollars get
transferred with him.

- A million bucks.
- Yes Sir.

So the dames go for him,
where does that leave us?

Leaves us a million
dollars to split up

as the co-managers of the most

magnetic film personality
since Valentino.

Oh and he sure looks like it.

Look, keep this quiet till I
can get him signed, shh!

Well, hello Mike.
Getting along all right?

Down!
- What's the matter, Sarge?

I thought I saw bushes moving.

The WACs are restless tonight.

What are you doing?
- Signing him up for bunk linen.

Hold that pen. I want him
to sign something else.

Let's see what I
got Bilko oil leases,

Bilko fatigue insurance,

Bilko fellow... here it is,
personal management.

- Yeah, here it is.
- Oh no, is it another transfer?

Yes from Fort Baxter
to Hollywood California.

Hollywood? What
outfit is out there?

Oh there are a lot of outfits,

there's Fort Warner
Brothers, Camp Paramount.

Sgt. Bilko, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about you,
the biggest movie star

to come along in
the past 10 years.

A movie star?

Yeah just sign right
here under where I wrote,

I, Tab Timberly,
assign Sgt. Bilko...

Tab Timberly, who's that?

That's you, see McClusty,

it's a nice name but
Tab Timberly, hear it?

It sings, Tab
Timberly, it's got...

- Sign.
- Okay.

Sign right there Tab.

Attaboy. Attention!

Bow your heads,
gentlemen a star is born.

Get over, oh I'll keep this.

Get over to signal a photo lab,

tell Sgt. Larson I want
lots of pictures taken.

Pictures of full face,
pictures of left profile,

right, wait a minute,
get him in a bikini.

A bikini, what am I
going to tell the Sergeant?

Tell him, tell him anything.
Tell him he's a frog man.

On the double.

You letters,
take all the letters

to all the studio heads
of Hollywood California.

We will start off with Zanuck.

"Dear Daryl, you
may not remember me,

but I never met you at
Louis B. Mayer's house..."

Sarge, what does that mean?

They are big men,
they never read it.

- They just look at the names.
- Okay.

"Under separate cover, Daryl,
I am sending you a photograph

of my latest discovery a
man who will revolutionize

the motion picture industry.

Louella herself is
insane about him."

Louella who? Are you
starting with me again?

You know, Louella
who... Don't start with me.

Don't give me
those little grizzys.

You know who I mean. Write!

All right, look alive, action.

- What do you want Bilko?
- I hear there's a mail for me.

- You've got a whole load today.
- Loads! Loads!

Hey, I guess sending
that picture of Mike

to Hollywood did fair.

Look at this postmark,

"Hollywood, USA from the
offices of Warner Brothers.

Returned unopened."
You see how neat they do.

Re, returned unopened?

Sarge, they're all
returned unopened.

Look, they've
got a letter on it.

"Dear Sir, company
policy does not permit us

to open unsolicited
photographs."

Oh Sarge.

How do you like
that? I tried to give

a dying industry a helping
hand, this is the thanks.

They ought to take at least
10 minutes to look at his picture.

Oh if I could just get this
picture in front of the public.

If they could just
see this face, I...

- What's the matter Sarge?
- Wait a minute.

Expires August 15th,

that means right
now in Washington

they're getting the new
recruiting posters ready.

- So what?
- So what?

Don't you get it?

If we get Mike's picture
on all the recruiting posters,

don't you see it?

On every street corner, every
lobby, every theatre lobby,

every post office,
Mike's picture,

Hollywood will
come crawling to us.

What an idea!

Wait a minute Sarge; you
know they always take a guy

from one of them big
camps around Washington.

He's right Sarge.

They aren't going to pick a
guy from a small post like this.

Oh they're not?

They will when the
Colonel registers his beef.

The Colonel, isn't
going to register a beef

about a little thing like that.

Rocco, when are
you going to learn?

Who runs this post,
me or the Colonel?

Are we going to have
a swimming pool?

Yes, I think we'll have a
kidney shaped pool with lights,

blue lights playing
under the water,

Esther will like
that. Esther who?

You're starting again.

You giving me the
grizzys, I don't want it.

I'll meet you on the first
tee in 5 minutes Harry

and don't forget my wife
expects you and the Misses

over for canasta tonight.

Goodbye. Well, what is it Bilko?

Sir, we have a chance to
put Fort Baxter on the map.

Whatever it is Bilko, no.

But Sir... Bilko, Fort
Baxter is on the map

and it's a tribute to my
vigilance that it's still there

and you haven't raffled it off.

- But really Sir...
- Excuse me, my golf clubs.

- Oh a little golf Sir?
- Yeah.

Oh that's right,
relax. That's good.

Let the other officers command
the more important posts.

That's right.

What do you mean command
the more important posts?

Well, I only meant that
in the highest sense Sir.

After all Sir, you have
served with distinction

in 2 World Wars.

You've earned the right
to be put out to graze.

I certainly have.

Put out to graze, are
you being impertinent?

No Sir, I really meant...
oh excuse me Colonel,

Isn't this a picture of your
graduating class at West Point?

Hmm.

My, what wonderfully
looking cadets.

Not cadets anymore.

There is Gen. Lawson,
Gen. Michaels, Gen. O'Hara.

My, my!

Just think of them, all
of them are Generals,

aren't they Colonel?

Colonel.

Well, Sir I didn't need
to, what I meant is,

oh let the more ambitious
commanding officers

get these meaningless plums.

- What plums?
- But Sir you know on the deal

to get the soldier for
the recruiting poster,

they've passed us by again Sir.

They've passed us by again?

Oh sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you.

Oh let those other
commanding officers

with their better connections
in Washington get it.

Better connections, I'll show
them who's got connections.

Get me Washington,
extension 213.

So, you passed us by again, huh?

You know what I'm talking about,

if you don't choose a
man from Fort Baxter

for those posters this year,
Gens. Lawson, Carter and O'Hara

are going to know
the reason why.

What? Good.

You just send me the
procedure for selecting the man,

and I'll send you the
man for your poster.

Congratulations Gen.
Hall, I mean Col. Hall

I was thinking of
the immediate future.

There's going to be a lot
more done around here.

Bilko, I want you to
take care of the details

of selecting the
man for the poster.

But Sir, I'm overloaded.
That's an order!

Thank you Sir! I'll do my best.

What? Harry?

You're on the first tee?
Well, go on without me.

What do you think?

I've got nothing to do
but play golf around here?

There's work to do.

Tell my wife to cancel
the canasta for tonight,

I am working late.

There's work to do.

What have I got to do?

Look at that face.

Wait till Hollywood
sees Rory's face.

Rory? I thought
his name was Tab.

Now I've changed
it to Rory, it sings.

You know it's got a sound...

The Colonel! The Colonel?

Watch the drier Fender.

Colonel Hall, Sir,
this is a pleasure.

Well, Bilko the test for
that recruiting competition

just came in from Washington.

Test competition?

- Is something burning?
- I'll kill that Fender.

Fender?

Oh it's Cpl. Fender Sir,
he's so security minded,

every time Russia
unveils a new plane,

he starts burning
the records Sir.

I thought I was going
to pick the winner Sir.

No, it's an open competition.

You pick 10 of the best
looking men on the post

to take the test on
military procedure.

Military procedure?

The results go to Washington
and they'll pick a winner.

Oh they'll pick the
winner? Good luck Bilko.

Thank you Sir. That’s
funny, I smell nail polish.

Oh yes Sir, Pvt. Kadowski just
got a package from home, Sir.

Nail polish?

But you see his folks
always wanted a girl, Sir.

Oh one of those things. Yes Sir.

I'll take care of all that test
Sir and the 10 men will...

Sarge, open competitions?

That means that
every jerk on the post

who thinks he's good
looking will want to enter.

And they'll all take the test

and when they take the
test, they' Il all beat McClusty.

Sarge, he's a real dope.

Yeah but I've got news for you,

we've got 10 bigger
dopes right in our platoon.

- Our platoon?
- Look, you heard the Colonel;

he's leaving it to me to pick
out the 10 most handsome men.

I'm sorry, I happen to think

the men in my
platoon are beautiful.

- Oh but Sarge...
- Wait!

Wait now we've got to find out

how much he knows
about military procedure.

Let's find out.

Hey Mike, what's the
first General Order?

What's what?

- Tell him Doberman.
- How would I know?

Give me the Army Manual,
the Army Regulations.

There, you read
these over and over.

Read it to him.
- But Sarge, I don't know...

Read it to him every
word in there over and over

till it sinks in. Over
and over, do that!

Come on!
- Sarge, you're all brain!

All brain!

Ah please, please, this is
no time for hero worship.

I've got to think of a
way to get my star's name

in front of the public.

Take a letter to
Walter Winchell,

Walter Winchell Daily
Mirror, New York City,

you know the
address. "Dear Walter,

What secret weapon is Col.
Hall of Fort Baxter, Kansas

waiting to unveil on the
new recruiting poster?"

Got it?
- Got it!

- Earl Wilson.
- Right.

"Dear Earl, when
she sees the new face

on the recruiting poster,
Marilyn will realize

she married too
soon." Marilyn who?

Starting with me,
he's doing it for spite.

He knows. Don't give me that.

General Rule No.1 to
take charge of this post

and all government
property in view.

To walk my post in the
military manner, keeping...

All right, go on! Go on!

Doberman! Doberman!

Wake up Doberman!

To walk my post in
the military manner

to take charge of this post
and all government property...

No, I don't want you.
I know you know it.

Tell it to him over and over.

But Sarge, 2 nights
without sleep?

Over and over!
Listen, over and over!

Are you ready?
- Sarge, what kind of test is this?

I've never heard
of a thing like that.

You know the Army,
they're always making tests.

Do you know the
first General Order?

What?

Do you know the uniform
code of military justice?

Are you kidding?

Put that down,
that's a good answer.

I like that. Do you know why?

Because it was natural.

That's all the Army wants,
natural answers, are you kidding?

Put that down, very good.

Hey Sarge, you're going to
disgrace the whole platoon.

Shut up!

The less they know, the
better it makes it for Ricky.

Ricky? I thought he was Rory?

I like it better
Ricky Rinchester.

I like that sound.

Hey are you guys supposed
to take some kind of test?

Yeah.

Lt. Green is waiting in
the examination room.

All right, all right.
We'll be there.

Lt. Green...

All right, now when you
take these... get me Ricky.

When you take these
tests, write down anything...

Code of military justice...

Good job Doberman,
go and get some sleep.

You've done a wonderful job.

Now, you 10 men...

Sarge, there's only 9. Doberman!

Take the test with
the rest of the men.

Sarge, I'm dead.

Right face, forward march!

Have you made arrangements
to rush the winner off

to Washington as soon
as his name is announced?

It is all set, Sir. We have
a plane at the airbase.

Oh Sir, the teletype.

Washington to Fort Baxter,
newspapers please copy.

The soldier whose
face will appear

on this year's recruiting
poster received the highest mark

ever attained on a
military procedure test.

Good work Bilko!
- Ricky boy!

His name is...

Sir, what is it?

His name is Duane Doberman?

I did it! I did it!

Colonel Sir, I don't
know what happened.

5 minutes earlier!

5 minutes earlier and I would
have been on the golf course

with Harry and this
wouldn't have happened.

But Sir... Sir I don't
know what to tell you.

Doberman picked as the
best looking man at Fort Baxter.

We'll be on the map all right,

they'll flock here
for miles to see

what the rest of us looks like.

Please Sir, I don't
know what to say Sir.

Doberman on a recruiting
poster, and I pressured them for it.

I'll be court martialed for giving
the enemy aid and comfort.

Sir, Doberman isn't
going to Washington.

They are waiting for him now.

But Sir, they can't make
him go to Washington

if he doesn't want to
go. He doesn't want to?

Let's put it this way
Sir, Doberman is not

the smartest man in the
world but he's smart enough

to know his face doesn't belong
on the recruiting poster, Sir.

I'll break it to him gently.

- Good! Good!
- All right Sir.

Doberman, I've
got to talk to you.

Hey Sarge, how is this?

Uncle Sam wants you.

Very good, now
look I have to talk...

I've got to take this
long underwear with me.

They might want me to tour.
Look, Doberman, Doberman!

Sarge, maybe this
is better, enlist now!

Very good, now look Doberman,
would you listen to me?

You have to...

Sarge, this is the first time I
ever won anything in my life.

Well, calm down.

There comes a time I
have to be brutally frank.

- Sarge, my mother was right.
- Your mother?

Yeah, she always said
I was a beautiful baby.

They won't laugh at her
anymore, will they Sarge?

I chose the Army way!

Look Doberman, I'm
going to give it to you...

now, now just listen to
me, there are certain fellows,

nice fellows who just don't
get their share of good looks.

I know, I feel sorry for guys
like Paparelli and Fleischman.

No, no wait Duane.

All right, I'm going to
give it to you straight.

Do you know what my
mother said when I called her?

Your mother, what?

- She cried.
- She cried?

Yeah.
- So did the Colonel.

Yeah and so will I.

I knew it! I knew it!

Bilko the minute the chips
were down you would get soft.

I don't know how. I
just couldn't do it Sir.

- I can!
- You can?

- Send him in.
- Thank you, Sir.

- How's this Sarge?
- Very good.

Look, the Colonel
wants to see you.

- Yeah?
- Go right in there, the Colonel.

- Let me out of here.
- Sarge.

Look, I don't want to be
here when he comes out, I...

Sarge, Sarge, he's
going to need a friend.

Oh, all right, is
Ricky standing by?

- All set.
- All set at the plane.

Have a nice time in
Washington Duane.

Thank you Sir, I have to go
pack and change my clothes.

- Remember me to your mother.
- Yes Sir.

I couldn't do it.

Those eyes would
haunt me to my grave.

I just couldn't do it.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Now, each one of you
will be given a chance

to take a picture
of Pvt. Doberman.

Now here is he now.

Come in, come in, no!

Sgt. Bilko reporting Sir.

He's not, he's not the one.

For just a minute I thought,
no offense Sergeant.

Sir, can you see you
outside in the hall Sir.

Now, now did you
bring Pvt. Doberman?

He's here but can I see
you for a minute in the hall?

Later, later. Right this
way Pvt. Doberman.

Now gentlemen, be sure to
get a good clear picture of him.

Pvt. Doberman reporting, Sir.

Welcome Pvt. Doberman.

No pictures! Everybody out!

Everybody out! Everybody out!

No pictures! We'll
check with you later.

Is this what you wanted to...

You mean he's
the... 5 million...

Uncle Sam needs...

What happened? What
happened? I want to know.

Sir, Washington said it.

We were just following
your procedures.

Never mind the
procedures. We're in a spot

- Is something wrong Sir?
- Something wrong?

You mean, nobody's told him?

Well, Sir we figured an
officer should tell him Sir.

Well, remember now Private,
this is nothing personal.

Yes Sir.

Just doing his duty
Doberman you understand.

Thank you. It's just
that you... Yes Sir.

Well, you don't look
like a typical soldier.

Thank you, that's what
my mother always said.

Your mother?

Once you get past
this Sir, it's a breeze.

Now, this is no time Private
to spare your feelings, you...

- Yes Sir.
- You...

- Yes Sir.
- You tell him.

Look Captain you took
this out of my hands.

Well, well, where
is our poster boy.

Pvt. Doberman reporting Sir.

Welcome Pvt. Doberman.

Now let's get to...

What happened?

I don't know Sir, I
merely called Lt Bronson.

I forwarded the
call to the Captain.

You took it out of
my hands Major.

Quiet! We're in the spot.

Does anybody know about this?

Just his mother, Sir.

- His mother?
- Yes Sir.

Yes and you've made her

the happiest woman
in the world, Major.

Now look Private.

- Yes Sir.
- Private...

- Yes Sir.
- It's hard... Yes Sir.

There are certain
things that must be said.

- Yes Sir.
- Private.

Yes Sir.

Please, please don't look at
me when I'm talking to you.

Yes Sir.

It's just that the public

has a certain
conception of good looks.

Now they may be wrong.

Of course, they're wrong.

Why my mother always
said that I was attractive.

- Your mother?
- Your dice, Major.

Quiet!

Private.
- Yes Sir.

Would you step into
the office for a minute?

Of course Sir, how's this,
come on in, the Army is fine.

Very good.

Who did it? Who did
it? How did it happen?

I was just following orders.
I just picked up the phone.

I wasn't even here.

You picked him as one of the
10 handsomest men on the post.

How did it happen?

Well, Sir it's a long plane
ride and the pressure you see...

Pressure?

You don't know what pressure is.

We have a new
commanding officer here,

we haven't even seen yet.

Yeah, Gen. Kramer, he's the
toughest officer in the Army.

I hope we all like Iceland.

The General, answer it.

- Answer it.
- Answer it.

Me? Sgt. Bilko reporting.

Gen. Kramer yes Sir.

Sir, there's a problem
here at the Major's office

and Sir we would
appreciate it very much

if you could give us some
time Sir and clear this thing up.

Only you can do it Sir.

Thank you so much General.

Only he can do it?

Well, of course Gen.
Kramer, he's a war hero.

He's faced death many
times. He can face Doberman.

Get him. You're right.

The General can explain that
a man that looks like Doberman

just can't be on the poster
for the United States Army.

Hey Sarge, is the photographer
here to take my picture?

You're going to meet
the famous Gen. Kramer.

Be quiet.
- Attention!

Gen. Kramer.

Well?

Well, Sir, we were wondering
if you could explain...

- Who is this soldier?
- Pvt. Doberman, Sir.

Very good looking soldier,

he should be on
the recruiting poster.

- Yes Sir!
- Anything else?

- No Sir!
- Carry on.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Yes Sir.

In 10 hours the
presses start grinding out

5 million posters with
Doberman on them.

You'd better think of something.

- Wait!
- What is it?

I've got it.

Gentlemen we proudly present
this year's new recruiting poster,

Pvt. Doberman, would you please.

Announcer: The part of Joan

was played by Elisabeth Fraser.

Pvt. McClusty played
by Eric Fleming.

The Major was
played by John Boruff.

The Captain was Nelson Olmsted.

The Lieutenant was Tom Poston.

And Gen. Kramer was
played by Jim White.