The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Girl from Italy - full transcript

But I promised my wife I'd
get tickets to My Fair Lady.

Sorry, we're sold out for
the next six months. Next?

Is there anything
at all for this month?

I'm sorry, Madam.

We're sold out for
the next six months.

- What is it?
- All right folks, don't panic.

It's just an emergency
attack evacuation drill.

All clear Sarge.

What do you know? No line.

I'd like to have 4
seats down front

for tonight's
performance please.



We're sold out for
the next six months.

Six months? What a
pity, well we'll just wait.

You'll wait?

Oh yes, setup the camp
right here in the lobby.

In the lobby?

Mr. Levin the producer
will be right out.

Good heavens why bother
him? We know what to do.

We've had basic training.
We know how to setup a tent.

Oh look, run a hose
outside to the hydrant,

so we can have water
for the portable showers.

Showers?

We're going to be
here for six months.

It gets a little hot in there
for six months gentlemen.

Oh listen, have you got that
Army garbage disposal unit



to fit into the lobby?

- Yes, Sarge.
- Now, as to laundry.

I'll tell you what we'll
do with the laundry.

We'll hang the wash
out on the marquee.

Excuse me, I'm Mr. Herman
Levin, the producer.

- How do you do?
- What's going on here?

Congratulations, you have
a magnificent show I hear.

Now look, I want to
alert you Mr. Levin

various times you'll
smell smoke in the theatre.

Please don't be alarmed,

it will be just us
cooking in the lobby.

- Cooking?
- Oh yes, just for 6 months.

- 6 months?
- Yes.

Till we get our tickets
to My Fair Lady.

One egg or two, Sarge?

You better give me 2, I want...
Oh, are your folks coming Corporal?

- Yes, they are Sarge.
- Your wife with the children?

With the children.

Can you tell me a
good diaper service?

Diaper service? Excuse
me, call someone.

Are you men crazy? You
can't set up a camp in the lobby

without my permission.
- Without your permission?

Did you hear that folks?

Would you just step
in here for a minute.

He says we need his permission.

Did we need his
permission when we camped

on Saipan,
Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima?

What a nice way
to treat our soldiers.

I'm going to write a
letter to the newspapers.

- Now wait.
- Here we are.

When we stormed the
beaches with those bullets flying.

Now just a moment,
believe me, there has been

a little bit of a
misunderstanding here folks.

Would you step this way please.

Henry, the four tickets that
I set aside for my parents.

- Yes sir.
- Here you are.

I hope you'll enjoy the
show. Thank you very much.

All right folks,
everything is all right.

All right, don't
clatter up the lobby.

Everybody out.

Oh yes. My respects
to Mr. Harrison?

He might enjoy
this with his tiffin.

Shall we? I don't understand,

everybody says it's tough
to get tickets to My Fair Lady.

Well, well, well.

Sarge, your date's
name is Gretchen.

Find out what she looks like.

- Yeah I'll try.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

In a nice way, see if you
can get her measurements.

Her measurements?

We're going to My
Fair Lady, come on!

- I'll try.
- Okay.

I'll be right home ma.

Ernie, would like to know
Gretchen's measurements.

What's the matter with you?

I'm going to New York for
my brother's wedding, right?

- Right.
- Well it's off.

It's off? That's rough.

- 42!
- I mean to call off...

42 where? Where? Find out where.

Ernie would like to know where?

You see, you see
Sarge, he just met her

for the first time this morning.

She just got off
the boat from Italy.

Just got off the
boat from Italy.

You see Sarge, it's one of those
old country arranged marriages.

My uncle and aunt brought
her over from the other side.

Now my jerky brother, he
doesn't want to marry her.

This is the fine time
look, 42 is not her age.

- Oh no.
- Find out the right...

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Sarge, I guess
have got to go now.

- Boy, I hate to face that scene.
- Wait a minute.

What are you all so
down in the dumps about?

Well, it's all right Sarge.

You and Henshaw
have a good time.

I'll go home.

Man, settle down
I'm your sergeant.

You're problems are mine.

Do you want me to
go home with you?

Yeah, but you're
going to be busy.

It's all right Sarge.

Oh it is, it is, things
can be worked out here.

Here, you take the tickets.
Meet the girls in the lobby.

I'll be there before the
show starts, all right?

All right Sarge.

Come on, I'll get to my
civilians in your house.

- Thanks Sarge.
- It will be all right.

Luther no good.

What a shame! What a shame!

What are they going
to say in Bardicci?

I don't care what they say,
in some little Italian town ma.

This is America and I'm
not going to marry her.

Don't!

Spend the rest of
your life with the bums

in Kuluchi's pool room.

She is a nice girl.

She got here this morning

and already she is baking
bread for the whole neighborhood.

This is a fine time to say no.

What am I going to tell your
uncle Dominic and your aunt Maria.

They came all the
way from Italy with her.

It was all arranged.

Don't talk in Italian.
They understand.

They still think that there
is going to be a wedding.

You can't do this to her.
I don't even know her.

You were engaged with
her the day you were born.

Why didn't you say
something then?

Oh why didn't I say
something then?

She is a nice girl,
and she loves you.

- Oh mama please.
- Here.

Mama!

One moment, mama, papa
this is my Sgt. Ernie Bilko.

You know I wrote all about him.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Ah hah! Glasses! Glasses!

What a pleasure Sgt. Bilko.

Sgt. Bilko, this is my brother,
Dominic, his wife Maria.

They have just come
from Italy now this morning.

That's great. Hey,
how do you do?

- Hello Joe.
- They speak English.

Hey, Sarge this is
my brother Angie.

Hello Angie, how are you?

Sgt. Bilko, don't
talk to that bum.

No, because he brought
shame on this family.

Oh for heaven's sake, they
want me to marry a peasant.

A peasant and you're
a loafer and a bum

Papa, she is in the
bedroom, she hears you.

Okay sergeant, talk to him.

Sir, pa, what do you
want from the Sarge?

He can't butt in...
- No!

Let the sergeant decide.
- Me?

Yes, because Rocco, he
always writes how smart you are.

So now, I'm going to
introduce you to Rosa

and then you tell my
Angelo how lucky he is.

Wait till you get
a load of this.

- You shut up!
- What did I get into here!

You will do what
the Sergeant says.

What I say?

But papa, leave him alone.
He's got nothing to do with it.

- Come esta?
- Bene.

- El Sgt. Bilko -
What he said, I said.

Rocco, look how she looks
at him with love in the eyes.

Did you get a load
of that stuff? Shut up!

Because of you, your
uncle and your aunt

will have to take her back
even without unpacking.

Please, please they
don't know nothing.

Do you want a peach? A peach?

Wait, sergeant,
what is your decision?

My decision?

Sergeant, say the truth?

Ma, what do you want from Ernie?

Well I guess you better Sarge,

because if you don't,
this will go on forever.

Well, if you want the
truth in my opinion well,

you see what was good
for you in the old country

doesn't necessarily
mean it's good for Angie.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I mean Angie
is an American.

He is 21.

He's got a right to
choose his own wife.

Okay. You're satisfied?

You asked him and he told you.

Look, Mrs. Barbella,
please don't put me in this.

But you asked me and I told you!

Okay, Sergeant, you
told us, now you tell them.

Hey pa, what do you
want Ernie to tell them?

He can't talk Italian.
- Then you tell them.

Me?

For Heaven's sake
pa, I'll tell them.

Aunt Maria, Uncle Dominic, Rosa.

I, what did you? Look, Rosa I.

Mrs. Barbella

Me no do not, me no say.

I'm sorry, I've got some people

waiting for me
Rocco, you know that.

You better hurry Sarge,

because you're going
to miss the curtain.

Yeah, I'll have
to go. Excuse me.

Hope she doesn't
think this is my fault.

Oh don't worry about it Sarge.

She'll go back in Italy, then
she'll find another fellow.

Yeah, well because I
didn't. I'll see you around.

Right.

Sarge, you're going
to miss the show!

Look, the least I can do is
say goodbye to her, isn't it?

- Angelo?
- No it's...

Look Rosa, I just
want to say goodbye.

Arrivederci Rosa.

Look Rosa, honey, I know you
don't understand me but look,

you wouldn't be happy
married to a fellow

who doesn't love you.

Look, it seems serious
now but look go back to Italy

throw a few coins
in the fountain,

and I'll bet before no time

you'll be married
to Rosanno Brazzi.

Look, honey, it's not my fault

that he doesn't
want to marry you.

Oh you love him?

Well look, I love
Marilyn Monroe.

But when she got married,
I didn't go to pieces.

I tried to kill myself,
but I got over her.

Look Rosa, you wouldn't
be happy married to a guy.

He wants to choose his own wife.

Don't you understand?
- Just a minute, hey Sarge.

It's for you, it's Henshaw,
calling from the lobby.

Come on.

Well what I'm going
to, all right tell him...

Wait a minute.

Look, Rosa, Rosa come on
baby don't cry, you're too young.

You go with Rocco later,
you see moving pictures,

you like Sinatra?

You go see Sinatra,
no, no don't cry.

Hallo Hensh.

Hey Sarge, the
play's started already.

We went in without you.
- Did I miss much?

The whole first
scene, boy it's terrific.

It's about this professor who
picks up this ragged little dame,

who can hardly
speak correct English,

and changes her into a lady.

He changes her into a lady?

What do you mean?
Oh I see, new clothes.

Dresses her up, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, what is it Sarge?

Yeah. Yeah.

First this is going to go.

Then we take this off, then
this is going to come off.

Sarge, are you crazy! Her
uncle is in the other room.

Is that how your mind works?

Look, any girl that
is in love with a guy

like she does,
deserves a good break.

Let me handle it.

Yeah but, but Sarge,
Angie doesn't want her.

Look, when I get
through with her,

he's going to want
her more than anything

he's ever wanted in his life.

Come with me Rosa, come, come.

Rosa is going to
come with me and...

What did they say?

They want to know
where you're taking Rosa.

Tell them she is in good hands.

Leave everything to
me, it's going to be fine.

Tell them she is with
an American soldier.

15, ah this is 16 here.

I'm sorry sir.
You'll have to wait.

I'll be right back Mrs. Russel.

Oh you don't understand.
We have this appointment here.

But I'm not through
with Mrs. Russel yet.

Oh I see.

Pssh! No!

Oh! Oh!

That's it. That's it!

What's it? Don't touch it.

Don't lay a finger on
it. Leave it just as it is.

As it is?

May I introduce myself?
I'm from Vogue Magazine?

Vogue?

We're desperate
for a cover picture,

the new hairstyles, this is it.

But the curlers are still in it.

But don't you understand,
that's what we want.

The curlers, it gives you
that new metallic look.

But it's only half done.

Oh good heaven's
she doesn't understand.

She doesn't see.

Look, rush right
over to our offices

the photographer is waiting.

Ask for Pepi, he is our
best man, and tell him

I said to call it "the
unfinished symphony".

Yeah, but I'm not finished yet.

No, but you must go
just the way you are.

- They're waiting.
- Yes Sir.

Get a cab, it's
ready, ask for Pepi.

But I...

- Where is Mrs. Russel?
- Oh she had to leave.

- What can I do for you sir?
- For me it's too late.

I want you to work on her.

Perhaps a feather
bob, or an upsweep?

Use your
imagination, let it soar.

- Did you say Pepi?
- Pepi he has a little mustache.

- Mrs. Russel, your hair.
- Well, no, no don't.

Don't, don't touch it. Did
you say Pepi, is his name?

- Yes, with a moustache.
- Moustache.

Cut and let your imagination
run, do you understand?

Yeah. What do you mean I'm
missing My Fair Lady? I'm in it.

Yeah, I've got to get her
into an expensive gown.

Listen, is Gretchen
still there with the 42.

Look, just keep
in touch with us.

All right.

- Well.
- The place is called Snobley's.

It's the most expensive
dress shop in New York.

- Very good.
- Yeah, but Sarge, we're broke.

Broke, broke, that's
just a state of mind.

Hey.

What did she say?

- She asked if you liked it.
- Oh Bella, Bella.

Hey, look who's gotten
an Italian boy haircut?

Uncle what do you
think of your wife?

Hello Joe!

And this is the creation
we here at Snobley's

are especially proud,
Midnight in Montmartre.

And now our next
model is Elizabeth.

Excuses! Excuses!

- But E.B.?
- But E.B.

I wanted to shoot
this picture in Italy,

but no, you talked
me into New York.

- I beg your pardon is that...
- Get them into their gowns.

- Gowns?
- The gowns, that's all I need

is one more delay.
- I beg your pardon, gown?

Gowns yes, didn't
you set it out?

Yes sir, I told...

What's going on around
here? What's going on here?

You promised me
out of Italy didn't you?

I don't know.

Will you please get them
into that, is it asking too much?

We're already a
month behind schedule.

It took us 2 weeks
to get permission

to rope off up Time
Square for the festival scene.

It took another week's
delay to round up

1,000 actors who can play Pachi.

And now, now we found out
for the climax of the picture,

they won't let me
set fire to the Bronx.

- Set fire to the Bronx?
- Oh you talked me out of it.

In Italy, they offered
me let me burn Naples,

and here we're stuck behind...

Don't just stand there men.
Their gown! Their gowns!

What do you mean their gowns?

Oh I see you're
covering for him.

I want this man's
name immediately.

This is Bergdorf or Goodman.

Bergdorf or Goodman,
this is Snobley's?

I, Snobley's?

You mean we're
in the wrong store?

The wrong sto... I'll whip you.

- No, no, not me.
- No, no please.

No, no. I give up. You
produce the picture.

But E.B., he doesn't...

You, you tell the bank,
that their $10 million picture

is being held up because of you

brought Gina to the wrong store.

You mean she's
Gina. Gina Lola...

Shh! Shh!

Not in front of her,
she'll be furious

if she thought someone
didn't recognize her,

smile at her, smile, smile.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, but don't, don't
overdo it, Anna will be furious.

Anna, Anna...

You recognized her right away.

Did you, bless your
heart, smile and a nod.

Nod to her, she's
terribly sensitive.

She had to gain
weight for the picture.

She is awfully, awfully
sensitive about that.

I don't believe I
know this gentleman.

Oh that was nice
of you pretending

you didn't recognize Vittorio.

Vittorio Gass...
- Shh!

He is in disguise.

He doesn't want Shelley
Winters to know he's in town.

Oh, my man be a good fellow.

Go, call Bergdorf and Goodman

and tell them we will
be there presently.

Will you do that?
That's a good chap.

Excuse me sir.

Call the mayor, maybe
he'll let us burn Brooklyn.

- No, no.
- Shut up! Shut up! No!

Look, we've been looking
for a big movie credit

like this for years.

Gina, Anna and Snobley
gowns in a $10 million picture.

- Do you think you can swing it?
- Leave it to me.

- As long as you're here.
- Well, no. no.

I know what you're
thinking of, no, no!

Bergdorf, Goodman.
- Oh no, sir.

Look, we have
dressmakers, designers,

just give us 1 hour please
sir, we will show you.

I can't fight anymore.

All right ladies
we're are closed.

We're closed, we're closed.

Now sir, if you'll just tell us
what kind of gown you'd like.

The kind of gown I see is

I have must have that gown,
it's on the cover of Vogue.

This is this is Snobley's

- Oh, goofed off, didn't we?
- Oh it's you.

Thank heavens I tracked you
down, there is an entire office

of photographers
waiting. Go, go!

- But I haven't any gown.
- But you'll be fine.

- Ask for Pepi, he has a mustache.
- Mustache

Hello, is this the box office
of the Hellinger Theatre?

It's an emergency, get Dr. Henshaw
to the phone immediately.

You'll have no
trouble locating him.

Yes, he is an Army
corporal uniform.

Yes he is in disguise.
He's a doctor for the FBI.

Hey Sarge, look.

Presenting the Snobley,
original Gina in magenta.

Bella, Bella.

Oh I don't believe it Roc.

If you don't believe that
Sarge, get a load of this.

- Oh Bella.
- And the credits will be...

Of gowns by Snobley of course.

- Thank you sir.
- Uncle, uncle look at your wife?

Hensh.

Well the professor gets
this little gal all dressed up,

and takes her into
a big fancy ball,

Sarge she looks sensational.

You're telling me.
What happens then?

Well a good looking society
guy, takes one look at her,

falls in love with her,
and wants to marry her.

Wants to marry her?
That's all I want to know.

Your brother is a dead duck.

Hey baby, avante
Kuluchi's Pool Room.

Hey Angie, can we
borrow the keys to your car?

Sure thing, right
after this shot?

You and Ernie got a
couple of chicks lined up.

No, Ernie is going to
take Rosa out tonight.

Rosa?

That's that greenhorn
I was telling you about.

The one my folks
tried to stick on me.

He must be desperate.

- Hey, Angie, you remember Rosa?
- Sure.

Hey, that was a hanger
and you missed it.

Can we have the keys
to your car please?

- Sure.
- That's a good fellow.

Is this the ignition key or
is this the key to the trunk?

I assume the registration
is in the glove compartment.

Well, never mind we'll find it.

Come on, okay girl let's go.

Wait a minute,
where are you going?

Oh who knows Copacabana,
the Latin Quarter.

We don't know.

Well, look, I'm not doing
anything maybe I can...

Come on Angie give me a break.

I mean after all how
often do stuff like that

come off a boat? Va va voom!

That's another banana split.

She is going to eat away
right out of this dress.

- Sarge, can we go home now?
- No.

It's time for another call to
your brother, on the double.

Sarge, Angie already
is frothing at the mouth.

Frothing ain't good enough.

He's going to want to marry her.

Look, I know I've
frothed many a time,

but I'm still a bachelor.

Hello Angie, yeah, I
can hardly hear you.

We're here the Latin
Quarter, oh it's really jumping.

Oh she is, no
Rosa don't do that.

She is mambo happy,
watch her dance.

Rosa don't. Rosa don't.

Oh she's crazy. Oh she's crazy.

Look, they are all
talking about her.

Look, Angie the car is in
good shape, don't worry Angie.

I'm not worried. When
are you coming home?

Hello, hello! Bilko hello.

Hey Angelo, please
don't pace the floor.

What should I do?

Go to Kuluchi's,
play a little pool.

A guy can't stay in
his home if he wants to.

Hello, you're at the Copacabana?

Oh it's great. Oh stop that.

Rosa everybody oh she is dancing

with every captain in the joint.

Great, oh Rosa don't, honey
you're embarrassing me.

This one is gay one.

The car is all right,
don't worry Angie.

Hello, Bilko! Oh!

What a nice man
is that Sgt. Bilko eh?

Uh-huh. To take Rosa
for a good time, ah.

Oh Sgt. Bilko is
showing her a good time?

Now look at him, fine
chaperone you are.

Don't you care about her

roaming around the
town with a soldier?

Hello Joe.

Oh, you're at the 21?

No more, no more champagne.

Please Rosa.

What is that,
excuse me a minute?

What is it Rosa? Well I don't
want to in front of the whole...

All right Rosa dear. Oh
Rosa please, you're roaming.

She is insane but she's fun.
She is fun, don't worry Angie.

You brought her for me mama.

She was brought all the way

to be with me a promise
for eternity to be with me.

Just to say once
you want to marry her.

Why must I make up
my mind right away?

I never have any fun.

Yay! Dah dah! Eeh!

Hello mama. Look at Rosa mama.

Rosa,

Wait, wait listen to
this. Listen how cute it is.

What are you doing with my girl?

Your girl, what are you
talking about your girl?

You didn't even
want to marry her!

But I changed my mind.
He changed his mind.

You're all witnesses,
he changed his mind.

- He wants to marry her.
- Wait a minute I didn't say that.

I just want a little
time to get to know her.

Little time, well I could
use a little time too.

Rocco, would you mind escorting,

take the future Mrs.
Bilko into the next room?

I'm sure she wants
to freshen up a bit.

Thank you so much.

This, you, you're going to
marry her, are you kidding?

You can't even talk to her.

Please, there is only one
language, the language of love.

Hey Sarge, he's
blowing his stack.

Come on in there, what
are you doing with my girl?

Sarge, Sarge!

Rosa Ti amo!

Hey Sarge, he says he loves her.

That's not enough. He's
got to want to marry her.

Telephone call,
Bilko it's for you.

Telephone Sarge.

Out! Out! Hallo, Hensh.

Hallo Sarge, you know
the good looking guy

that falls in love with the
girl and wants to marry her.

Yeah, he marries her right?

No, no here is the switch,

the professor falls in
love with her himself?

He does?

I love her! I love her!

Hey Sarge, he said he loves her.

- Should I let him in?
- Keep that door locked!

Did you hear that Sarge,
he wants to marry her!

It's too late.

She loves me. She loves me.

Rosa! Rosa!

Sarge, I don't know
how to thank you.

You're kidding me

you're not going to go
through with this, are you?

Oh but I love her?

You love her but
does she love you?

Tell her.

Tell her about the time
she just had shawls on

and he didn't want her
he was in a pool room.

Tell her who worried
about her, and got her into

a new head gown, and all
the dressings and everything.

Tell her!

You sure you are not losing
anything in the translation here?

Thank you, thank you
very much Sgt. Bilko.

You made everybody
happy. Thank you very much.

A toast to the bride
and the groom.

Come on everybody! Come on!

Roc, let that be
a lesson to you.

Never again, I'll
have everything,

nothing to do with a woman
again, see what happened?

Yeah. Hey Sarge, it's Hensh.

Who cares, what does he want?

Hey, Sarge, you've
got to step outside.

No, I'm not interested.

Oh, you've got to take
one look at Gretchen.

I don't want to see anybody.

If I am, va, va voom!

Oh, are you the
little hot number

I was supposed
to have a date with.

Sarge, I forgot to tell you,

she don't speak
one word of English.

No?

Sprechen Zie Deutsch2

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Augusta Merighi
as Mrs. Barbella,

Dino Tarronova as Mr. Barbella,

Jessie Pacheco as Aunt Maria,

Louis Badolati as Uncle Dominic

and Sal Dano as Angie.

Rosa was played
by Anna Rosselli.