The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 36 - His Highness Doberman - full transcript

(barking orders)

And so with his ominous black
wings flapping he swooped down

in a furious frenzy,
ah-ah he cried,

Reba the tiger woman
knew she was doomed.

And as the dark
of the night closed.

Oh please don't let me disturb
the Fort Baxter literary circle,

go right ahead yeah.

Yeah, and so with his
ominous black wings.

Get back to work
you silly jerks.

What's going on here?

You, grown man
reading comic books.



- But Sarge you.
- But Sarge my foot!

Is this the way we
spend taxpayers money.

What do you want, a Senate
investigations sweeping down.

Come on, install
those carburetors.

Sarge, we can't do
anything until Doberman

comes back with the new parts.

Doberman, he left at
9 o'clock this morning

in a jeep to bring back,
why do you give Doberman.

Oh here comes Prince
Valiant into the house

Where are the carburetors please.
- What Sarge?

The carburetors where
are they, the carburetors,

you left in the jeep
to bring back the carb.

Where is the jeep?
- Jeep what jeep?

The jeep you drove into town,
where, how did you get back here?



I don't know.

It was such a soft, lovely
day, I must've walked.

Up!

Now look don't start grizzering
me with the baby blue speedy,

I'm warning you.

You kept an entire platoon
waiting, I can put you on K.P

for the rest of your life.

Jeez thanks Sarge.

Where is that Doberman?

Doberman get in here
on the double Doberman.

Where is that silly jerk?

I gave him my pants to
press over an hour ago.

He ain't turned up yet.

But the boys are all
looking for him like you said.

Hey Sarge why don't
you wear you other pants.

Please, please on the
date that I have tonight.

You do not wear your other
pants. You wear the pants.

Hey Ernie, she must be
something real special ah.

Please, please it's not
in the gentleman code

to discuss these things
and mix company.

- Hey Sarge is she a blonde.
- Please my lips are sealed.

- A brunette.
- It will do you no good.

A redhead.

You're pressing I tell
you this much fellows.

The lady in question and I
had an awful lot in common.

Oh, she is bald.

I still love that
you're a witty Sicilian.

Sarge, Sarge, there is
no sign of Doberman?

No sign of him, how can a thing
as big as Doberman disappear.

Hey Sarge, Sarge, I found him.

I found Doberman
and guess where he is.

This is nice, standing
here without any pants,

he wants to play guessing games.

- Where is he?
- He is taking a shower.

Tell him I want my
pants pressed, I'm,

ah Doberman taking a shower.

Doberman taking a
shower and nobody ordered.

You saw him yourself
with water hitting him.

A shower.

What do you suppose
has gotten into this guy?

I got it.

He is bucking for a discharge
on grounds of insanity.

But I assure you he will
not get away with this.

Give me my other pants.
Come on, on a double.

Fellows we have a
new man in the outfit.

Corporal why didn't
you tell me that

Tab Hunter joined our platoon.

Sarge, it's me Doberman.

Looks a little like Doberman.
Doesn't smell like Doberman.

Thanks Sarge, Angels Kiss No.7.

Isn't he lovely, it's like a
fat page out of Esquire?

And I noticed your
pants are pressed.

Nice crease.

Yeah.

What is that Sarge?

It's very simple the man has
discovered his natural beauty

and he's embellishing
it that's all.

Yeah, but do you
think we ought to let him

wander around in that condition.

You remember the
time you went into town

and card sharks took
him for his bundle.

Well that could happen again.

Oh knock it off just because
he is a private in the Army,

it doesn't mean he is not
entitled to his own privacy.

He is a big boy, he
will protect himself.

But Sarge, he is
got a $100 on him.

We better protect him.
Let's follow and see if...

- Good isn't it.
- Uhm scrumptious.

Hot fudge sundaes
are my favorite.

Me too.

I don't know about you but I
like it with rocky road ice cream.

Me too.

Jeez! We've got lots in common.

You know I was
wondering about something.

Yes Lillian.

Do you believe in
love at first sight?

You know something I was
thinking about you all afternoon

while I was in
the beauty parlor.

You were, now
that's a coincidence

I had your face
before me all afternoon,

when I was down
in the grease pit.

- Our Doberman.
- Yeah the slob is in love.

- Imagine Doberman.
- Yeah Doberman and a girl.

Hold that, that's not Doberman
and a girl at the soda fountain.

That's Romeo and
Juliet on a balcony.

A little on the pudgy side but
Romeo and Juliet nevertheless.

Hey Sarge, do you suppose
they're thinking of getting married.

He will never make
it on private's pay.

Yeah and poor kid, she's
probably a waitress or something.

Now we got to see
that they make it.

Remember romance comes
to people once in their lifetime

and in Doberman's case it's
a miracle it came even once.

Well what can we do?

What can we do? We can help him.

Now what's the first thing a man
needs when he gets married...

- A wife?
- Don't give me jokes.

Man needs a place to live, a
love nest an ivy covered cottage.

Hey how about the
old Quonset hut?

Good idea.

It will mean we have to hold
our crap games someplace else

but it will be worth it.

Rocco, clean out the Quonset
hut, we are going to need it.

Right Sarge.

And you ferret find me
some rummage sales,

you understand we're going
to need second hand furniture.

But Sarge, what are we
going to use for money.

Please don't bother
me with details.

We will run a raffle.

What are we going to raffle off?

A foreign car?
- A foreign car?

Yeah I know where I can
get ahold of a 1927 Hupmobile

with Mexican license plates.

That was a delicious sundae
Duane, thank you very much.

- I'm so glad you liked it.
- Would you drive Duane?

- Oh sure, I'd be delighted.
- Oh thank you.

- There.
- Comfy cozy.

Yes, thank you.

Oh Duane I'm so
anxious to get home

so mother and dad can meet you.

- Oh an English car?
- Yes it is.

- Does it shift like a jeep?
- Oh Duane.

Miss Middleton, Miss Middleton.

Oh I beg your pardon Sir,

I thought I recognize
that Miss Middleton?

Is she from New York?
- No she is a hometown girl.

Her father is the president of
Consolidated Iron and Steel.

Consolidated Iron and Steel.

Hey Sarge, her old
man is a millionaire.

They go money, they are loaded.

How do you like this?

A minute ago Doberman was
a schnook now he is a contact.

Oh mother I have
a surprise for you.

I brought a young
man I want you to meet.

Oh a young man, oh John,
John did you hear that.

Isn't it wonderful Lillian's
brought home a young man?

Is that Van Cleve
boy from Princeton?

- Oh no mother...
- The Huntington boy.

- No mother, he is...
- I know who it is.

It's that nice Johnson
boy from Harvard.

Olivia, if you stop
asking questions

Lillian can bring the boy in
and you can see for yourself.

Oh yes of course
bring him at once dear.

Yes mother, Duane, come here.
Mother, this is Duane Doberman.

- A soldier!
- Pleased to meet you Duane.

A soldier! Oh Lillian
how could you?

How dare you bring
this man into the house?

But mother we love each other.

Go to your room, the idea of it.

Oh... Will you
please leave at once?

- Mrs. Middleton.
- And no back talk.

- You see, he's impertinent now.
- Oh now Olivia...

You keep out of this John.
Will you please leave at once?

Yes ma’am.

I've got it all figured out.

Her father will probably
give 'em a yacht

for a wedding present.

When he comes back
from the honeymoon,

he'll put him in charge of
the iron and steel works.

I hope Doberman don't
forget his old friends.

Better than that, his old
friends won't forget him.

We will be right
there to help him.

Hey Sarge, here he comes.

All right, same old
Doberman nothing is new...

I'd like to be in charge
of the factory in Paris.

I want to be a vice
president anywhere.

- Yeah I just want a pension.
- I wanna be treasurer

South America
that's what I want.

I want South America.

- How dare you?
- But Sarge.

How dare you give vent to your
greediness in disgusting manner,

because of our
friend's good fortune

you mean to take
advantage, you vultures.

Get this and get it straight.

We're going to be
satisfied with merely being

members of the
board of directors.

Doberman you sly old dog, you!

- We've seen you with her?
- Yeah, when is the wedding.

It's all off.

Come on don't get cagey
with us, when is the wedding?

There ain't gonna
be any wedding.

What is it, her parents
believe in long engagements.

Her mother threw
me out of the house.

She said that I wasn't
fit to marry her daughter.

You don't understand
how society people operate.

What her mother said
to you, she didn't mean.

She didn't, how do you know?

How do I, I've mingled
with these people.

I didn't lead the Cotillion
ball in 1947 for nothing.

What her mother
said it was all pretense.

- Pretense?
- Of course silly boy.

Did she look down on her
nose at you as if you were dirt?

Yeah.

Do you I know these things.

Did she say leave the
house immediately?

Yeah.

Of course she would, don't
you understand the treatment.

This is the society's
way of accepting you.

Yeah?

I promise you next week her
mother will throw a reception

and you'll be the guest of honor.
- I will!

Of course you will now
go out and get some air

and walk out like a lover.

Not with heavy feet,
happiness in the air.

Chip, chip, skip, skip.

He is a dead duck.

Now what're you doing
building up his hopes.

Promising him a reception.

Because that's exactly
what he is going to get.

A reception?

Yes when I get through
with that Mrs. Middleton,

she is going to be
begging. Do you hear me?

Begging for her daughter
to marry Doberman.

Yeah what's gonna make
her change her mind?

What's gonna make
her change her mind?

Because I'm going to
let the cat out of the bag,

the big secret is
a secret no longer.

A secret?

It's about time the
world at large knew

that Duane Doberman
is of royal blood.

Out of my way peasant,
I hope there's still time.

What is the meaning of this?

What is the meaning
of this indeed,

did you hear that Schlibitz,

she wants to know what
is the meaning of this.

Ha she who has slowly
been spinning the web,

trying to ensnare
the crown prince

into marriage with her daughter.

She wants to know what
is the meaning of this.

Now just a minute I
don't understand what...

Sir I will ask you to please
observe royal protocol

and not speak unless
you're spoken to first.

I cannot stand these commoners.
- Courage Baron.

Madam you will see
that this ridiculous affair

between your daughter
and the crown prince

comes to an end immediately.

But I don't know
any crown prince.

Ah such feigned innocence.
You don't know indeed.

Well perhaps we'll refresh
your memory, Schlibitz the photo.

Yes Baron.

Hail Das Crown Prince
Doberman. Prince von den Kuoedel.

Loyal Prince Doberman.

Nail den Schuitzelblut Hoch!

All right madam enough
of this subterfuge,

you are well aware
that the crown prince

entered the American
Army incognito

to study the American
military methods.

- But I didn't know.
- You knew yes, you knew.

The FBI didn't know.

The State Department didn't know
but you somehow you found out.

- Schlibitz?
- Yes Baron.

How you found out
where the leak occurred.

- No, no Baron.
- I will not stand inefficiency.

But baron, if I may only...

Madam you may not,
your little plan will not work.

Oh no, how dare you
aspire to this union

between the crown prince
and your grubby little daughter.

- Now see here Sir.
- Hmm... protocol Sir.

Oh these fortune hunters.
- The nerve, the gall.

There's not a
word to describe it.

Oh yes, Schlibitz.

Schlibitz, these
poor misguided fools,

because of them the entire
world is sitting on a powder keg.

But baron...

Do you realize the
repercussion this would cause,

the uprising in Asia Minor,
the unrest in Malay Peninsula?

A revolution in the Balkans.

- It was a state secret.
- Thank you baron I needed that.

- You got it.
- I assure you I...

Sir speak out of
turn one more time,

and our ambassador
leaves Washington.

Baron you will be late
for your appointment

with the Secretary Of State.

- Oh let Foster wait.
- But Baron, don't...

Now madam, these are
my instructions to you.

You're not to send any
invitation to the crown prince.

You're not contact anybody at
Fort Baxter military command.

Disobey these orders and
our gunboats will be in the river.

Yes we're a small nation,
we're proud, we will fight.

We have the ammunition.
We've got the rocks.

Yes we have stacked.

The empire is saved. Come.

Hoch!

Are you sure the name is
Doberman, Mr. Middleton.

No I don't know
anything about it,

but I will find out
and let you know.

What.

Oh yes I realize the
delicacy of the matter.

I will be most
discreet bye. Come in.

Excuse me Captain Barker
Sir. I was looking for Colonel Hall.

With Colonel Hall away
on leave I'm in charge.

What do you want Bilko.

Well Sir, there's no doubt
Colonel Hall has informed you Sir.

I'm a stickler for
Army discipline.

I live on Army regulations
and I sleep Army regulations.

And by George, I expect
my men to do the same Sir.

I will not tolerating
any man to do it.

Bilko?

Excuse me Sir I do get emotional

when it concerns
that Army manuals Sir.

Sir as much as I hate to report
any infraction of the rule Sir,

I'm afraid my duty
dictates that I do so Sir.

- An infraction of the rules.
- Yes Sir, private Doberman Sir.

Doberman.

Yes Sir, as it clearly
states in the Army manual

section 10893468,
regulations clothes

must be worn at all
times by a soldier on duty.

- Ah Bilko?
- From top to toes, inside and out,

I'm quoting it
correctly am I not Sir.

Yes you're. Now
get to the point.

Well Sir as much as I try
to guide the men Sir this,

this is what Doberman has
been wearing under his clothes Sir.

Oh a crest.

Oh it's not regulations Sir.

Shall I send Doberman in for
Army disciplinary action Sir?

Oh no I will handle
this in my own way.

Yes Sir. I'll get this
out of your way Sir.

Oh no, no leave them here.
Um I will keep them as evidence.

Evidence, by jove
that's quick thinking,

Sir no wonder you're
a leader of men.

- A man who can think ahead of.
- All right Bilko.

Yes Sir, thank, oh Sir, I
almost forgot Sir, the mail Sir.

- Wait a minute.
- Sir.

Oh these postcards
aren't for me.

Oh good heavens they're for
Doberman, I'm so upset today.

Sir I will get them to him.
- Hold on let me see those.

- Um Duane darling.
- Oh it's from Scotland.

Who could be writing
from Scotland Sir?

Pheasant hunting time in
Scotland isn't the same without you.

Edward and Wally.

There's another one
Sir from Monte Carlo.

It's says, "Dear, dear Duane,

why haven't you
written you naughty boy.

The Prince baby, Caroline and
I miss you terribly love Grace."

This sounds like a
nice little family Sir,

Grace baby Caroline, and they
have a dog named Prince sweet.

I will get these to Doberman,
thank you very much Sir.

I don't believe it. Hallo,
get me the Pentagon.

That's what Captain
Barker told me.

A royal crest on his undies.

And do you know who he
corresponds with, Wally and Edward.

And he had the warmest
note from Princess Grace.

Oh I will do anything
do make amends.

Madam I wish to announce pe...

- No names, no names.
- Good afternoon Baron.

Why do you say good afternoon,
have I said good afternoon.

Protocol, protocol.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

That is better. Oh these
dreary provincial people.

Patience Baron, they're
very young country.

Madam against my wishes
and the wishes of the embassy,

the crown prince insists
upon seeing your daughter.

Oh but that's
wonderful, wonderful.

We will give a tremendous party.

Do you here this Schlibitz,
already they're using

the crown prince to promote
their petty social ambitions.

Again this is a
stab in the back.

There will be no big party,
just an intimate gathering.

- Oh of course.
- No more than 150 people.

- Do you understand?
- Schlibitz the guest list.

You'll adhere to
this list please.

The menu, the crown
prince's national anthem.

National anthem.

Yes of course you will instruct
your guest on how to sing this.

You will learn this verse and
in turn impart to your guest.

Here we go.

Hail Das Crown Prince

Please, you will please
sing in unison please.

Hail Das Crown Prince Doberman.

Excuse me, this is funny to you.

What is this doo barman.
You'll sing this with respect.

Doberman after all we sing your
anthem, "Oh say can you see."

We don't say, "Oh
Zay can you Zee"

We sing it with respect also.

Hail Das Crown Prince Doberman.

Watch the umlaut, the umlaut
every sentence. Hail the Prince...

You, you learn this
and you teach this

to your guests you understand.

All right, that is
better. Oh we're late.

We're late for our cocktails
with Dag Hammarskjold we go?

Hoch!

We've got to find him and get...
Doberman what are you up to.

I'm pressing my uniform
for the party tonight Sarge.

Nonsense you're wearing
the new Army dress uniform,

it's just been issued.

- Dress uniform?
- Yes put it on quickly.

- Eh, this looks nice.
- Sure it is.

You fellows get yours?

Of course we did
but ours didn't fit.

All of us are not
as lucky as you,

that any standard size fits you.

- How do I look?
- Stunning.

Just stunning, how I
envy a man with a build

that could wear anything, it
looks like it was born on him.

I never had any trouble
getting clothes to fit.

Now remember one
thing at the party tonight.

There's a heavy
burden of responsibility

riding on your shoulders.

When clothing salesman
see me coming, they smile.

Yes I can know, sometimes
they get hysterical but they are,

here is what you must
remember, it's up to you tonight.

You have to prove the
nobility of the common soldier.

It all rests with you. Now
I ask you a few questions.

Who is this reception for tonight?
- For me.

So we carry ourselves with dignity.
- Dignity.

Royalty up, your
neck is high, high,

high above, I
can't find his neck.

Here's how, you think in
your mind you're a king.

Think of a king, you're a king.

Not King Kong relax.

Now I want you to be
friendly with these people

but with a certain distain.

If anybody speaks to
you, you smile at them

but with a certain
disdain in your smile,

Smile, but that's too broad,
just take it down a little.

How do you do, clench
teeth, just clench teeth.

You do want me, you
do like me, don't you.

You poor soul you want to be.

No, no you don't say it audibly.

You just think it, how
do you do, would you.

Now curl your
lip, curl your lip,

look down, just
sneer at them a little.

People like that they
like to be dominated.

Sneer, sneer at them. No
you're smiling too broadly.

Now if they put hands
out to you, just give a nail.

Keep aloof at all
time, you understand.

Now smile, smile with an aloof.

Here is the key.

Think of smelling, if
anybody talks to you

and you want to smell, smile
like you're smelling something.

That's it. Curl your lip.

Look at these people
all want to be like me.

You say that in your mind.

Smile curl your lip, smile let
me see your natural expression.

That's better keep it that way.

Mr. and Mrs. Otto Schmidt.

Oh Olivia it's
a thrilling party.

- Has his highness come yet?
- On no he is late.

You know royalty, they
make their own manners.

His Royal Highness
Crown Prince Doberman.

Hey where is the carpet, the
magenta carpet, quickly man.

That is better, you'll
observe these rule please.

Thank you Sir.

Sneer, sneer, Up, up we will
have no ostentation please.

Oh it's such honor to have
you here your highness.

Your highness what do you mean?

What does she mean,
oh he's so modest,

as if he could his
secret any longer?

I want you to meet someone
who's rather anxious to see you.

- Hello Duane.
- Hello Lillian.

Hello Lillian he is so democratic.
It comes so easy to him.

Harken, your highness,

they're playing your
favorite Mazurka!

Would you favor us with
starting the dance your highness?

Please.

Please, don't
breathe on him please

you're fogging up his medals.

I'm sorry ladies, the laws
of his country demands

that he can only dance
with one commoner tonight.

Your honor please.

Charming, charming
how I wish his father

the emperor could see him now.

Don't they make a lovely couple?

His highness is
so proud, so regal.

So regal indeed, you realize
that thousands of years

of breeding that went into
making that figure of a man.

Yes, Pentagon bureau of records.

It's about time you got
through to them put them on.

Hello, yes, have you
completed the check

on Private Duane Doberman.

Good.

What, you're sure?

Born in Allentown Pennsylvania,
never outside the country,

thank you very much.

Bilko.

- Charming, charming.
- What a social triumph.

When are going to
sing the national anthem.

It's such a thrilling song.

Hail das crown prince..."

Oh, please not till midnight
when it is dawn in my country.

I beg your pardon madam
there is a Captain Barker

outside wishing to speak to you.

- Captain Barker.
- Captain Barker!

If that man sets
foot in this house,

it means war, throw him out.

- Oh I should see what he wants.
- I know what he wants.

He wants my crown prince, he
wants my country throw him out.

- I won't have him in here.
- But don't you think that...

This is not time to think.
This is a time for action.

You don't understand
this Captain Barker,

otherwise we refer to
him in the diplomatic circles

as mad dog Barker.

Oh yes he won't sit
around in council tables

and discuss things.

Not him, drop the bombs
he says, scorch the earth.

I will not have, throw
him out, Schlibitz.

Yes Baron.

Oh how come it happened, how
did mad dog Barker sneak through?

- Captain Barker.
- Yes he is here mad dog Barker.

Warn the crown prince
his entire entourage;

inform the prince
that he is here quickly.

- Yes.
- Mark my words madam.

This will end up in
international incident.

Uneasy lies the head
that wears the crown.

- He sounds frightening.
- Oh he is terrible than us.

It is such a small little
country. We have no...

Bilko

It's midnight the national
anthem everybody sing.

Hail Das Crown Prince Doberman

Prince von den Kuoedel.

Loyal Prince Doberman.

Oh Captain how
nice of you to come.

I wish you could have
gotten here sooner

they've ran out of champagne
just when everybody,

Quite, Bilko you're going
to suffer for perpetrating

this hoax on innocent people.

Hoax, Sir if I may say so

isn't that rather
strong language Sir.

Never mind Bilko you're going
to hear much stronger language.

I am going to throw the
book at you for this, Bilko.

Sir don't you think you
should look at the title first;

it's just a story about
a boy in love with a girl

whose mother is
standing in their way

simply because
he is a soldier Sir.

Do you know how many
years you can get for this Bilko?

Look at the changes,
impersonation, fraud,

duping a respectable
innocent family.

Is everything all right, Baron?

- Shh.
- Baron.

This makes it even worse
Bilko, taking in an innocent girl

passing Doberman
off as a crown prince.

Oh captain I know
all about Duane.

He told me he was born
in Allentown Pennsylvania

and that he lived with his
mother until he joined the Army.

You see Sir; it's just an
innocent masquerade Sir.

We'll see how innocent it is.

Captain why don't you go in and
tell mother everything you know.

That's exactly whom I
want to see, your mother.

You sent him in
to see your mother.

Oh please Sgt.
Bilko, don't worry.

Once he talks to mother
everything will be all right.

I hope so.

That's why I always
eat rocky road ice-cream.

- Attention.
- Yes Sir.

Doberman report to camp at once.

Oh forgive him your Highness
this is such a young country.

Captain Barker, how dare you

speak to the crown
prince like that?

- This is a private party.
- The Army was not invited.

You hear that Sir the
Army was not invited.

The idea, ordering
him about like that.

As if he was a common soldier.

Yes as if he was
a common soldier.

A soldier's place is in a tent.
A soldier's place is in a tent.

Of course.

Of course isn't it
enough he has to mingle

with the Army all day.

Mrs. Middleton such a
degrading atmosphere the Army.

Such a degrading
atmosphere the Army.

It's time he mingled with
people of his own social strata.

Oh really, yes.

But you wouldn't understand,
I demand that he stay here.

What have you to say to that?

Now that I know how you
feel, Mrs. Middleton I apologize.

His highness should
have his evening,

let the festivities proceed.

Sir my government will see
that you're decorated for this.

Did you hear that your
highness, the festivities proceed?

The national anthem everyone.

Please baron, they're going
to sing my national anthem.

Oh thousands
pardons, your highness.

Hail Das Crown Prince Doberman

Prince von den Kuoedel.

Loyal Prince Doberman.
Nail den Schuitzelblut

Announcer: Appearing
in tonight's cast were:

Martha Greenhouse as Lillian.

Philippa Bevans
as Mrs. Middleton.

Ben Lackland as Mr. Middleton

and Nick Saunders
as Captain Barker.