The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 35 - Show Segments - full transcript

The cast meet in Lindy's restaurant to watch scenes edited out of previous shows. Nat Hiken felt these outtakes were too good to end up on the cutting room floor and compiled them into what is possibly television's first 'clip show'.

(barking orders)

This is New York.

One of the biggest
cities in New York State.

It's right here, on one of
the streets called Broadway

that we rehearse
the Phil Silvers show.

In fact those are the
rooms we rehearse in.

Just before we start rehearsing,

we usually have
lunch in a restaurant

that's right in the building.

It's convenient; the owner
appreciates any help he can get.

It's called Lindy's.



The Sarge usually comes
down about this time.

- Hi, Dino, anybody in here.
- Hi, Sarge, the usual gang.

Hallo Mr. Heller, how are you?

You'll have to excuse him.

He thinks he had a
good show last night.

Wants to go in and
takes some bows.

Watch how he plays
it coy, oh brother.

- Oh excuse me.
- Do you know who that was?

- Sid Caesar - Yeah
They all come eat here.

- Hi boys.
- Hey Sarge.

How did the show go last night?

Hat check girl
thought it was funny.

The Hat check girl;
she is not criterion,

she laughs at weather reports.



Cashier was crazy about it

and the Captain
gave us a good table.

The Captain, that's a good sign.

- Here comes Jaeger the waiter.
- This is the acid test.

- What will it be.
- Hi, Mr. Jaeger!

What are you going eat?

Did you like the
show last night?

The meatballs are
very good today.

You didn't see the
show last night ah?

- I saw it.
- Well did you like it?

You want an honest opinion?

Yes this will have
no bearing on the tip.

None, whatsoever,
did you like the show?

- Eh.
- Eh, what's eh?

- Eh.
- You didn't like it?

Look you did it, you got paid.

Don't ask questions,
take the money and run.

Okay listen, don't you
think it was a cute idea

having Ed Sullivan on the show.

- Oh Ed Sullivan him I liked.
- Oh Ed Sullivan you liked?

- He's funny - Ed
Sullivan is funny?

Let's face it, he
is very funny man.

Ed Sullivan is a very funny man?

Listen Sarge, why are
you bothering with this...

This I've gotta
find out about, you,

you actually think
that Ed Sullivan...

- Hi Phil.
- No, no I got to work this out.

You think, hey Ed, just
talking about you, sit down.

- Thanks.
- Hello Mr. Sullivan.

- Hallo.
- Hallo.

Hallo, that's funny maybe it's
the way he says it I don't know.

What's biting you?

He thinks you're very
funny in the show last night.

Thank you very much; I
thought you were very funny too.

You're just saying
that to make feel good.

No kidding, you
know that scene where

you were auditioning
for our All Army Show?

- Yes.
- Actually hysterical

- Really.
- Killed me.

You liked that scene?
He liked that scene.

- Why?
- That scene wasn't in the show.

- It was cut out.
- Cut out.

You see Mr. Sullivan
the show ran too long,

and they had to
get something out.

Why didn't they cut
one of my scenes?

Look the cutting is in the
hands of the head cutter.

When it involves cutting a scene

that means Sullivan or
Silvers, what chance have I got?

The cutters name is O'Brien.

Wait a minute; he did
something funny that was cut out?

What do you, what do you mean?

Look, if you saw the show, do
you remember that short scene

where Bilko comes to
audition for the All Army Show

and then a special service
officer comes to Fort Baxter.

The band is playing somewhere,
somewhere hearts are light.

Somewhere men are laughing
and somewhere children shout

but there will be
no joy in Mudville

Mighty Casey has struck out.

Thank you. Anymore?

- Yes Sir.
- One more Sir.

- Sgt. Ernest Bilko, baritone.
- Another baritone, bring him on.

Send in Sgt. Bilko.

Granada by Augustin Lara

- Granada.
- Thank you.

- Will you check my reservation?
- Yes Sir.

Sergeant Sullivan office will
notify you if we can use you.

Sarge do you think you made it.

Made it, you saw what happened,

I sang one note
he said thank you.

Why are we standing why aren't
we getting packed for New York.

(barking orders)

My throat I must not.
Granada, Granada.

- Remember that scene?
- Yeah that I saw.

Yeah well before that
was cut it went like this.

Somewhere men are laughing
and somewhere children shout

but there is no joy in Mudville

Mighty Casey has struck out.

Thank you. Anymore?

- Yes Sir.
- One more Sir.

- Sgt. Ernest Bilko, baritone.
- Another baritone, bring him on.

Sgt. Bilko.

Granada by Augustin Lara

- Granada.
- Thank you.

- Will you check my plane reservation?
- Yes Sir.

- Excuse me Sir.
- What is it?

What hotel will I be
staying at in New York?

- Hotel?
- I do hope it's near

the Sullivan studio, that
Raw New York weather,

my throat you can understand.
- Your throat.

Thank you Sir, incidentally
for recognizing me immediately,

and not having me go
through my entire repertoire.

- Sergeant I.
- Normally I don't audition.

But it's been too many years

since I gave up concert
stage for Army life.

I didn't think I'd be remembered.
- Remembered?

Fess up Captain, where
was it you first saw me.

Was it that little thing
that I did at Philharmonic?

Or was it the farewell
appearance at the Met.

- Sarge.
- What a night to remember.

The screaming, they wept,
they threw flowers upon the stage,

my fans pulled me
through the streets

of New York City
in a handsome cab.

You were pulled
through the streets

of New York City
in a handsome cab.

Right to my draft board.

Well I never thought that I
would return to the concert stage,

but then this Sullivan
thing came up

and my fans start clamoring.

Only this morning
I got a call from Jan

- Jan?
- Jan Pierce.

A tenor but a lovely man.

He called me on
the phone, and said,

"Ernie you must go
on this Sullivan show.

Too long we've been
deprived of your golden voice."

I said, "Jan, please
that's all behind me."

But he kept insisting.

He is, "Ernie
sing to the barber.

Do La Forza Del Destino

- Sergeant?
- Sir!

I'm impressed by your
musical background

but I don't believe Mr. Sullivan

is planning on using
a classical baritone.

Believe me Sir,
exactly what I told Jan.

I said Jan that's all behind me.

And then this phone call
came through from Nashville.

- Nashville.
- Elvis called.

He says, "Ernie you old hound
dog put on those blue suede shoes

and rock and roll down
the little old Ed's studio."

He is so grateful.

You know Elvis was
nothing until he came to me.

I told him, I said, "Elvis
don't stand there like a stick.

Move when you sing."
You know give it and listen.

Oh the rest is history Sir.

This hotel I will be staying at

it does have
banquet facility Sir.

- Sergeant let me be
frank - I understand Sir.

Too much music, am I right?

Every soldier
thinks he can sing,

that's why Louella
called me this morning

and begged me to do my imitations.
- Imitations?

Oh, just a little
facet of many talents.

May I do one for you please?

And here he
comes, the idol of all

France and American
Maurice Chevalier.

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not going to
sing for you tomorrow

or the day after tomorrow.

I'm going to sing right now.

This hotel, it's
near a delicatessen.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Dance, dance.

Fred Astaire
pleaded on the phone,

he says Ernie you
have wings on your feet.

Of course, if Ed
insists I will do all.

- Sarge, I'm sorry.
- Wait!

- Take a card Sir.
- Sergeant!

No, no any card,
don't let me see it.

- Think of a card...
- Sergeant!

The Sullivan office will
notify you if we can use you.

If you can, that's a good one.

Just tell Ed that Mr. Wonderful
is on his way, he'll understand.

Oh better yet, say nothing
Sir. We'll surprise him.

- What do you think?
- What do I think?

The man came here looking
for talent, and he found it.

And why are we
standing here, idling,

why aren't you packing
me for New York.

Granada, Granada, Granada.

All that wound up in
the cutting room floor.

Oh well I guess they've
got to cut somewhere.

Remember that whole scene about

the Army-Navy Football
game that was cut out.

- Hey what was the football scene?
- Look I'm hungry.

First you get me interested
and now you're chasing me.

Never mind just get...

Look Phil it will
only take a minute.

All right tell him.

You see Sgts.
Grover, and Ritzik,

had cooked up this scheme
to beat Bilko on a bet.

It was in the Company B
dayroom and all of the guys

were gathered
around this radio see.

In a few moments the
teams will be on the field

for another Army-Navy
football classic

brought to you from
Franklin Field in Philadelphia

and broadcast to our armed
forces all over the world.

With Army's great all American
Broncho Bronzinski at his peak,

experts predict an Army
victory by at least 5 touchdowns.

- What's the idea?
- It's all about the game.

- Quiet, quite.
- Did you get it?

Yeah but I had to get the guy
down at Kelly's printing shop

an extra $2 to
get it done on time.

Well what's $2 compared to the
money I'm gonna win from Bilko,

getting him to bet on Navy.

You're gonna get
Bilko to bet on Navy

with Broncho Bronzinski
playing for Army.

That's right, only
he won't know it.

Not after he sees this.

Broncho Hurt Navy Favored
Boy is that a phoney headline?

Phoney headline.

You expect Bilko to fall for
a phoney headline like that?

He knows Bronzinski ain't hurt.

He is in his
listening to his radio.

What radio, I took
the tubes out of his set.

- That sucker...
- Grover control yourself.

Oh if he finds out,
this is my first chance

to beat Bilko on a bet.
Ssh! Here he comes.

Right here, you know
what to do with this.

Right.

Hallo over there,
well how are you men.

Hi Ernie.

Come on; come on
the game, the game.

- Hey Grover fix the radio.
- Oh yeah I will work on it.

Fix the ra... don't tell
me that's on the blink too.

Must be an electronic epidemic,
my set isn't working either.

I wonder what's wrong with it.

He will have it
fixed in a minute.

What's with the
Grover boys here?

What are they cracking
up, or something.

Well, well. 50 cents a ball men?

That's the trouble with
the peace time Army.

No action.

Talking about action, how
about our annual bet on the game.

I'm listening.

Well see that you beat us, you
bet Navy last year and you won.

Yeah we figured maybe you
want to bet Navy this year again.

You know I hear voices
but nobody is here.

Navy's got a terrific team.

Yeah the only reason
we want to bet on an Army

is on account of sentiment.
- Oh isn't that sweet?

Gets you right in
here, are you kidding,

with Bronzinski
playing, even admirals

will be betting on the Army.
What am I a philanthropist?

- Look alive.
- Afternoon paper.

I will take that.

Alrighty once give us
first crack at the paper?

- Rupert, Rupert please.
- Keep your place.

Come on Rupert, let's
hear if the game's on.

Ooh!

What's the matter Ernie?

I feel terrible, I
mean a guy like you,

the Army has been
your home for 18 years,

and here I'm denying
you the chance to bet.

My conscience is bothering me.

You mean you
want to bet on Navy?

Again, my foolish
heart betrays me.

- Okay $20.
- Put it up Bilko.

Put it up, you
don't think I carry

that kind of money
around with me.

I will go to my
cash box and get it.

Why do I do these things?

Kelly's printing shop is
doing sloppier work every day,

remind me not to take my

phoney headline
business to them anymore.

- You know what to do, move, move.
- Right Sarge.

Don't go away fellows
I will be right back.

He fell for it.

I can't wait to laugh at
his face when he sees it.

- If you give us away.
- No, no I won't.

Come on let's see if
the game has started.

The Navy team is
coming out on the field.

They look determined even though

Broncho Bronzinzski against
them, their cause is a hopeless one.

Their cause is a hopeless one.

He means Bilko's
cause is a hopeless one.

We interrupt this
broadcast to bring you

a special sports bulletin direct
from the Army locker room.

Broncho Bronzinzski
Army's great all American

slipped and fell
getting off the bus

and has been rushed to the
hospital with 2 broken legs.

Stand by for further bulletins.

I knew it.

And you guys got
Bilko to bet on Navy.

- You've got to call off the bet.
- Wait, wait, I will think.

- Think, think.
- I will get an idea.

Wait I will think of something.

Oh dah dah, all right
baby here is your $20?

- Ernie I can't go through with it.
- You can't why not?

Well let's face it, If I pull a
dirty trick like this on you,

I'd never know
another night's sleep.

- What is he talking about?
- Well you see this paper here,

you see I had it
printed it up myself.

See it's a phoney.
- Well the ink comes...

Really Ritzik, I don't
know what to say.

To think that you do this to
me, a fellow Master Sergeant.

Please don't say
it, I know, I'm a cad.

But I will make it up
to you, I'll take Navy.

Oh no, no, I was foolish
enough to fall into your trap;

I got to pay the consequences.

No, I must suffer, I
will take, I will bet Navy.

Well I can't, I feel like
a vulture betting on,

I mean with Bronzinski
playing, he is playing.

- Oh last time I heard he was.
- Please, here take our money.

All right if you want,
here is $20 it's a bet.

- It's bet.
- You heard him, it's a bet.

Hey the radio is working.

Let's bring it over here
where Ernie can hear it.

Turn it on.

- It's another touchdown.
- Hey another one?

In the first 5
minutes of the play,

Bronzinski of Army
has made 3 touchdowns.

Bronzinski, he ain't playing.

Bronzinski is in the
hospital with 2 broken legs.

Oh really? We must
send him a get well card.

We heard it with our own ears.

Yeah it was just
announced over this radio.

Ritzik right I just
announced it.

- See he said so himself.
- What's going on here?

What's this extra wire?

Well that's the way
it happened folks,

from out vantage
point here in the booth,

I saw Bronzinski step off the
bus and break both his legs.

Of course that's just
one man's opinion.

Why Corporal Henshaw,

you little old imp
what are you up to?

Well that's it for
today, everybody.

Remember your host for
today's game, was Sgt. E. Bilko.

How about that?

There's a little
detail missing here.

The money, money.

Yeah and there's
your adventurous story.

Someday, Bilko, Someday Bilko.

It was Henshaw pretending he
was the announcer all the time.

- You like that huh?
- Eh.

Will you get me my food,
stop standing there eh eh.

You want the meatballs.

I told you I want
cheese cake and coffee.

I'm telling you the meatballs.

Oh honey. Oh how are you dear?

Oh hello Phil?

You know Ed Sullivan,
this is Hope Sansberry.

Hope plays the Colonel's
wife on our show, sit down dear.

Thank you.

You know what we're
talking about honey?

We're talking about
some of the scenes

that have been cut out
of my shows, you know.

Oh don't remind me of that.

If I could get
hold of that cutter,

I would, well Phil I'd give it.

What's the matter?
What's wrong honey?

I remember a scene
in the show that I was in

and when I saw it on air,
and the whole scene cut out

well I could just...

Now Hope, Hope, you're
getting yourself all upset

these things happen.

They have to cut a scene,
so they cut your scene.

It's your scene that
I'm talking about.

What scene was that?

The one where
Bilko gets his letter

from the chorus
girl in New York.

Oh yeah, I remember
Bilko was waiting

for the 10 day furlough
to go to New York.

You really made a
connection, huh Sarge?

Did I make a connection,
boys when I arrive

in New York next Saturday
for my 10 day furlough?

Waiting for me will be the most

delectable hunk
of fluffy femininity.

You mean a girl?

No a cocker spaniel.

Listen boys; it's waiting
for me and it's mellow.

- Oh sure.
- I gotta see it to believe it?

Really, all right Henshaw.

Under my pillow
there's a picture,

handle it gently
and bring it in here.

- Right Sarge - Ha uuh.

Boys just think 10
days in New York,

not taking any military orders,

sleeping until noon,
reveling the night away.

That's what you do here.
Yes, with one exception.

Here I haven't gotten
the most gorgeous doll

in the Latin Quarter chorus.

A certain enchanting
Miss. Seymour Lamour.

Seymour? What's she like?

- Hey hooh.
- Does that answer your question?

Is this the one, is this her.

Yes steady, steady Henshaw,

you're drooling
all over the picture.

Sarge, don't those
girls ever catch cold.

One good look, Sarge.

Come on get back. Let 'em alone.

I love to hear their
blood pounding.

Here she is in flesh boys.

This is what I've
been fighting for.

Seymour, what kind
of a name is that?

I got an uncle named Seymour.

Does this look like your uncle?

- It should happen to my aunt.
- No I don't believe it.

Don't you indeed.

No I don't believe you
got a date with this girl.

Yes Sarge, she is
too rich for your blood.

Look Sarge, we know
you're an operator

but this is an
operation beyond you.

A circus girl is music
to an operators ears.

Would you believe it,
if you saw her letter?

You got a letter?

I just casually mentioned
to her I'd be in New York,

and the poor girl hasn't
stopped panting yet.

Did you get a letter?
Did I get a letter?

Did I get a let-ter.
Let's see it yeah.

Alrighty, here it is.

Here, here, stand back,
it may burst into flames.

Oh those perfume companies
get away with murder.

- They show us no mercy.
- Come on read it.

- Have a heart Sarge.
- Read it!

All right, simmer down
gentlemen please.

Oh no, I'm sorry not
in front of Doberman.

- Sarge.
- Please.

Please Doberman
there's certain things

we've been keeping from him.

I don't want to run to the
infirmary for smelling salt.

- Come on Sarge read it.
- Yes please.

Okay it starts"
Sgt. Ernest Bilko,

Ft. Baxter, Roseville Kansas."

All right here it
comes, all right boys,

grip the floor with your toes.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- Here it is.

- Dear Fan? Dear Fan?

This girl is pen, you know
if she calls you Dear Fan.

Look jerk, do you expect
they use pet names for me.

This has gotta go
through the mails.

I'd like you to remember that
she is a 2 time loser all ready.

- Come on Sarge.
- Come on Roc, Rocco please.

Dear Fan, received
yours of the 24th

What was yours of the 24th?

There are certain things
that are personal between us

but I might remind
you to let your

imagination run rampant a bit.

- Yee! Ho ho.
- You're so right.

Sarge, what else does she say?

Please Latin, Latin.

"When you're in New York be sure

to come to the Latin
Quarter where..."

Boys not in front of Doberman...

Where what!

Sarge, be sure to come
to the Latin Quarter where?

Be sure to come
to the Latin Quarter

where you will see
more of Seymour.

Huh! Huh!

Wait a minute. Look
how she signs it.

Yours truly Seymour.

Not Miss Lamour, just Seymour.

Is that a sizzler.

Yours truly, I get hotter
letters from my insurance man.

And just for that, you can't
get to smell the letter, all right.

Sarge, here is a
message from the Colonel.

From the Colonel, read it Sugie,
it may be good for some laughs.

You are requested to be at
my quarters at 8:30 tonight

for an emergency meeting
regarding post morale.

8:30, I just got
time to make it.

Oh the poor Colonel can't
run the post without me.

I need a messenger of honor.

- What Sarge?
- Henshaw.

Take this, sterilize your hand.

Take this picture,
put it under my pillow.

- Under your pillow?
- Face up.

Yeah. Yeah. Eat your heart out.

Eat your hearts out.

I can't understand why they cut

a funny scene
like that honestly.

Tell me more.

Hey look, will you just get
me the cheese cake and coffee.

Do you want to take a
chance on the meatballs?

No just the cheesecake
and coffee yeah.

No just the
cheesecake and coffee.

How about you Mr. Sullivan?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

What's that?

Is hysterical of him I
mean he said nothing,

Don't get upset, Phil you've
either got it or you haven't.

Now tell me of some more.

Oh why talk about him, they
are cut they are out of the show...

No, no, you don't understand

this will make a great
idea for my column.

Oh some idea for Ed's column.
Can you think of any more cuts?

I got one Phil I remember
the time you were

so desperate for money
and you auctioned of

all your worldly goods.

Oh yeah that and
it cut right after

you sold the TV set to Fender.

Oh yeah and it was
an auction I remember.

$1.60 this early
America television set

sold to this
gentleman for $1.60.

- Alrighty we keep going.
- What's next?

This French book.

No, it's not for sale
what's the matter with you.

All right gentlemen I
have this rare memento.

Wait a minute,
what about the book.

Oh I just meant
that's not for sale.

- Now you will find this memento.
- Wait just a minute.

This poster you put up says

the entire estate
of Sgt. Ernest Bilko.

Yeah, you gotta
sell that French book.

Wait a second; there are
certain things that are not for sale.

You'll love this memento.
It has a history to it...

Oh no we don't.

Boys just a minute.

There are certain intimate
things I can't part with.

Asking me to sell this, is
like giving my right arm away.

Look at this. This
has the history...

He's gotta sell the book.

- All right, all right.
- Double talk.

You had to get
me. Close the door.

Now boys, I, no I can't.

I can't sell the only
memento I have

of my days in Paris
spent during the war.

I can't sell it
boys. I just can't.

- What is it?
- What's in it?

Nothing, just what it says.

Vues de tour Eiffel."
"Pictures of the Eiffel tower."

Come on you've
got to sell the book.

No I can't boys, I
will get in trouble.

I just can't. Look
at this thing.

This thing will go for auction
in some of the highest places

for the most amount of dollars.

- He's gotta sell it.
- The book, the book, the book.

You got me into this. Now
look boys lets be simple.

What do you want with
pictures of the Eiffel Tower?

What would you want you with it?

Oh sure pictures
of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on you've
got to sell the book.

- Come on Ernie.
- Well all right you got me.

All right gentlemen.

What I'm I offered for
this privately printed edition

of pictures of the Eiffel tower.

- $1. - $2 - $4 - $3.

$4 come on I'm the highest.

$4, gentlemen at least show
some respect for the publisher?

- He's still in jail.
- He's in jail?

- Higher.
- $6.

$20 $20.

- $20?
- Yes.

Anything better,
$20 once, $20 twice.

Sold to that gentlemen for $20,

give him the book
and get the money.

- Here you go.
- Let's see it.

Hey Sarge, what do you see?

- I knew it.
- Rupert what do you see?

- Pictures.
- Pictures of what?

Just what he said
the Eiffel tower?

Now that I have
established my honesty,

well let's not beat
around the bush anymore.

This was Hitler's helmet.
What are my offers?

- 10 cents.
- A fair bid.

That Eiffel Tower I
have been practicing.

Ah Ed, watch yourself,
people will see you laughing,

and you'll ruin your reputation.

But no kidding Phil,
you know if you took

a lot of these scenes
that were cut out,

put them on your show,
the public will eat it up.

Come on Ed you
know as well as I do,

the head of the network
will never stand for it.

Hey Sarge, they are waiting
for you upstairs for rehearsal,

Come Ed, the boys
would like to see you.

All right back to the salt mine.

Hey, eh.

Hey, waiter, no cream.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Joe. E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Hope Sansberry as
the Colonel's wife,

Sammy Smith as the waiter,

Charles Cooper as the
special services officer

and Ed Sullivan.

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