The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 34 - The Colonel Breaks Par - full transcript
That's it now check
the spark plugs.
- Job 724 is finished, Sarge.
- Okay.
- Get to work on the half-track.
- Right.
Hold it. Hold it a minute.
We've got a loose
sprocket there.
Tighten it and
check the ignition.
We've got the truck
finished, Sarge.
Right, work, work, run
those battery tests, move it.
- Right.
- Everything okay, Sir?
Bilko, this is wonderful.
You're right up to date
on all your assignments.
Oh yes Sir. We wouldn't
want any unfinished work
to hold back the
Colonel's vacation.
- Col. Hall is going on leave?
Oh I forgot you're new
around here. Yes Sir.
Every year on this day
the Colonel goes away
to a little lake in Northern
Wisconsin for 15 days of fishing.
Oh yes, 15 days
without the Colonel.
- It's going to be tough.
- You'll miss him, huh?
Miss him?
Take the sun out
of a summer's day,
take the heart out of a
body, and that's what we are
without our beloved leader.
- I understand.
Oh yes, Sir, the first 5 days
they've passed on eventfully.
I mean we work hard,
we pretend he is not gone.
I see.
Second 5 days it
gets a little tougher Sir,
because little memories
start to creep in,
his lilting laugh, the
way his dimples flash
when he smiles, some of
the weaker men crack up Sir.
The last 5 days
sheer tragic Sir,
because around
sundown the men start
wandering out to the front gate
looking up the road hopefully,
hopefully wishing that
he cut his vacation short
and come back to us.
Sergeant, if there is
anything at all I can do.
Oh no, thank you Sir.
The other officers understand
what we're going through
and they leave us alone to
bury our grief in hard work, Sir.
Sergeant, the Colonel's
car is ready for his trip.
- My Colonel is going away.
- Sarge, Sarge!
- My Colonel is going away.
- Hang in there, Bilko.
- Yes, my Colonel is going away.
- He's gone!
All right, work, work now
the minute the Colonel leaves
I want those posters up announcing
all the dances you got that?
- Right Sarge.
- Order the same orchestra.
You get all the paraphernalia,
the roulette wheels
everything we need.
The minute the Colonel
drives out of this gate,
the social season starts.
Here are the costumes
for the Mardi Gras.
Good. Good. Move it.
Look, Sarge, if you want
this done by tomorrow.
All right don't get
sentimental, we'll work it all.
Give me your schedule
on the social season.
- Right Sarge.
- The Colonel leaves at 9:30 tonight.
At 9:32 a rocket is fired
which formally announces
the beginning of the marathon
poker game in the gun shed.
- Check.
- Excuse me, what is it?
How many times what, what are
you doing with these shoulders?
I want Ivy League. Ivy League!
Don't give me the
broad shoulders, watch it.
Go ahead.
At 9:45 Farmer Brown arrives
and it's all aboard for
the officer's hayride.
And it should be
out of sight by 9:47.
At 9:50 a combination
brunch and bingo party
in the officer's
dining room. Check.
Um, do you mind? Do you mind?
- What's wrong Sarge?
- I want sweep dash.
You said Ivy League.
Yes but with dash
I've got to look elegant
when I cut the ribbon in
front of the Colonel's house
officially opening the Lucky
Luciano Memorial Gambling casino.
On Wednesday we start the
"Colonel for a Day" contest.
Colonel for a Day
contest, it's very important,
increase the prices.
I want that to move.
Excuse me, what is
this? This is ruffles.
- These are ruffles.
- Sarge, I don't know.
I told you I want
this to be exotic.
I want it to speak
out, it must say,
cha cha cha! Cha cha cha!
You're forgetting that
I lead the Congo line
into the guardhouse
which officially opens
the floating crap game?
- Oh yeah.
Use your imagination. Go ahead.
Every afternoon at 2:00
there is the cock fight
in the Colonel's cellar.
- Got the chickens?
- Yeah.
I hope this year
you've got roosters.
Last year instead of fighting
they just sat around
and laid eggs.
Watch that, we're charging.
Excuse me, hold it a minute.
Pardon me artist, I hate to
infringe upon your integrity
may I ask what is
this supposed to be?
It's your costume for the
"come as your favorite
movie star dance."
- Favorite movie star?
- Yeah.
Which movie star am I
supposed to be please?
- Yul Brynner - Yul Brynner?
You must be kidding.
The one movie star I bear no
resemblance to, you pick out?
Use your imagination, pick
out somebody I look like!
All right.
I'll put you in a T-shirt
and a leather jacket.
The minute you walk in they'll
all going to say, Marlon Brando.
Bless you. Now you're thinking.
I'll get that. Hallo
Motor Pool, Sgt. Bilko.
Yes Col. Hall.
Yes Sir, 8 o'clock.
I'll have it there sharp at
8 o'clock Sir, thank you Sir.
He wants his car,
he is leaving tonight
at 8 o'clock he's leaving,
like he does every year.
He gets a head start
he'll spend the first night
with his brother in Topeka,
by tomorrow morning it starts.
We're going to work all night,
because tomorrow
this is no more a camp.
This is fun land! Fun, fun!
All right, it's
Bilko with the car.
Did you call the movie house?
I don't want to miss the
beginning of the feature picture.
Oh we have plenty of time.
Do you realize that for the
past 10 years at this time
we were on our way
to Lake Minnewoowoo.
Well we're doing the
right thing this time,
taking our vacation in
the winter instead of now.
You'll love Florida and I'll
get a chance for a little golf.
Come in.
- Col. Hall Sir.
- Ah Bilko.
- Mrs. Hall, the car is outside.
All gassed up and
ready to go, Sir.
Oh thank you. That will be all.
Is there anything we
can do to help Sir?
Help, no well thank you.
Sir, I'll just like to
go before you go
that every minute
that you'll be away Sir
will weigh like a stone
in the hearts of the men
who love you Sir.
- What?
With you gone we'll be like
a ship without a rudder, Sir.
Bilko we won't
be gone that long.
Oh Sir, don't hurry it up for
one minute on our account.
Think of yourself,
Sir. Goodbye Sir.
- Bye?
- Please don't make it any harder.
Goodbye little mother,
take good care of him.
Take good care of him?
- Bilko we'll only be gone for...
- My Colonel is going away.
- Now Sarge, Sarge.
- What's wrong with him?
Nothing Sir, we'll
take care of him.
- My Colonel is going away!
- Please Sir, just go.
- It's better that way.
- Sure sure
- Come on Nell.
- Sgt. Bilko.
- My Colonel is going away.
- Goodbye Sir.
- He's gone.
- This is it.
Hello Edna, Colonel is gone,
spread the word the festival
starts first thing in the morning.
You've got we're ready.
Oh contact the post
Bugler, tomorrow morning
instead of Reveille ta
ra ta ra, I want it to play,
the Colonel's gone ha!
The Colonel's gone ha!
We're going to rock
while the Colonel is gone.
No no Wong Lee
you got that wrong.
It's 300 egg rolls
and 200 egg foo yung.
Yes, and look Wong
Lee I'm taking your word
that you know how
to make those pizzas.
Okay, get them here, Holimah!
- All right.
- Who is taking the Cha Cha lessons?
- I am.
- How about you Billie?
Well I've got tickets for the
"Mr. America
Contest" in the gym.
Look, take the lessons today,
you'll see the muscles tomorrow.
Sgt. Bilko, are you
sure the Colonel allows.
Good heavens Lieutenant
you'll be late for Hayride.
All the officers are gathering in
front of the PX, have a good time!
Wait where is hat,
the Lieutenant's hat?
There it is Sir.
Have a good time.
The song books are
back in the wagon.
Well Cha Cha Time!
This is your tickets yes music.
Now 1, 2, 3 now,
it's in the hips.
Come over, now
you're getting it.
That's it. Next.
- Ten-shun.
- Bilko, what's going on here?
What's going on here?
Is something going on here?
I don't know what's going on.
Something must be going here.
Quiet! Stop mumbling.
Mumbling, who is mumbling,
what are you mumbling for?
I wasn't mumbling.
Are you mumbling?
- I wasn't mumbling.
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Yes Sir - I want to
know what's going on!
- What is going on?
- I don't know what's going.
- Do you know what's going on?
- Stop it before it starts again!
- Now what is all this?
- Oh I'm sorry Sir.
I thought... we're celebrating
the Chinese New Year Sir.
- Chinese New Year?
- Oh yes Sir.
After all we you want
them on our side,
so the least we could do.
Bilko, let the State
Department take care of that.
- Yes Sir.
- Now get back to work.
Yes Sir.
All right celebration is
over get back to work.
Sarge, everything is all set,
the hayride, the cock fight.
What happened?
I don't know what happened,
but I'm going to find out.
Col. Hall would you mind
signing this morning report Sir?
So, when we said
goodbye to you last night I,
is something wrong with
the morning report Sir?
This entitles me to 4
cha cha cha lessons,
a cocktail dance in
the gas testing chamber
and 4 shots of the
turkey at the rifle range.
That's a mistake Sir.
This must have come from
some careless, irresponsible camp.
It sounds awfully
much like this one.
Good humor, is it any
wonder we follow the Colonel
to the end of the world Sir.
- Quiet!
- Yes Sir.
What's on your mind?
Well Sir, last night we thought
you left on your vacation Sir.
Oh, so that was the reason
for all of your goodbyes.
- Yes Sir.
- Well my wife and I decided
to take our vacation in the winter.
- In the winter?
Sir, really you
think that's wise?
When we take our vacation
is no problem of yours.
Oh Sir, anything concerns
your health is our problem Sir.
- What's that?
- What Sir, I didn't hear anything.
There is hay wagon I
think going towards the P.X.
Oh probably
making a delivery Sir.
Well I don't like
animals on the post.
Yes Sir, I'll take
care of it Sir.
- What is that?
- What is what Sir?
- I heard a cockadoodle doo.
- Did you?
- The Colonel heard a cockadoodle.
- Did you cockadoodle doo?
No, I didn't cockadoodle doo.
Somebody must
have cockadoodle doo.
Perhaps you cockadoodle doo Sir.
No, I didn't cockadoodle doo,
maybe he cockadoodle doo.
- Did you?
- No, I didn't cockadoodle doo.
Admit it the Colonel thinks
one of you cockadoodle doo.
- Did one of you
cockadoodle - Quiet!
Whatever is going
on I want it stopped.
Right away Sir, immediately.
He cockadoodle doo Sir.
- No, I didn't cockadoodle.
- I can tell it.
Go on!
Well, Sarge what
are we going to do?
What? He just got
to go on that vacation.
Look Sarge, we've got over
$200 invested in this operation.
Busloads of soldiers they
will be here any minute.
Egg rolls are
gonna start rolling in.
I know. I've got to think.
Now look, what are you doing
come on think you're in this.
Look, Sarge wait a
minute here is a list
of summer activities for
officer's it just came in.
Hey maybe we can get
him interested in something.
Oh hey relax, what does it say?
Well there is a summer
class starts Tuesday in Denver
on the launching
of flying missiles.
Flying missiles are you
kidding? This is Fort Baxter.
If the Army are going
to launch any missiles
this is where they're
going to land them.
- Anything else.
- In Palm Springs California
there is the annual
officers' golf tournament.
Oh golf fine, Colonel
never shot under 200,
wait a minute
golf. Golf, that's it.
Oh now you're flipping.
The Colonel the way he plays,
in the big golf tournament?
Yeah Ernie, he is the
only guy I have ever seen
who hits the divot
further than the ball.
Let me handle this.
That's the only thing he is
even remotely interested.
But Sarge, he knows
here is no good.
He wouldn't dare
enter that tournament.
Oh yes he will, after tomorrow
morning's round of golf
and he comes in 10 under par.
- The Colonel 10 under par?
May even make it 11 under
par according how Sam feels.
- Sam?
- Sam Snead who happens
to be playing in a tournament
right now in Topeka.
I'll call him.
Right one more
Mr. Snead. Thank you.
- Is that all fellows?
- Oh just one more question.
Did winning the Topeka
open tournament here
give you as much a thrill
as winning the Masters.
Well it's always fun to win.
Excuse me Mr. Snead
there is a phone call for you
from a Sgt. Ernie Bilko.
- Bilko?
I knew that rascal in
the Army, where is he?
He is from Fort Baxter.
It's only about 25
miles from here.
Ernie Bilko, I wonder what
that rascal is up to now.
Look Sam, I wouldn't ask
you to come down here
and do this for us, if
we weren't desperate.
Jeez Ernie, I've got to get back
to my job at Greenbrae hotel.
But of course if it's important.
- Important?
Sam, the happiness of
2,000 men depends upon you.
Look, all I'm asking you to do,
tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock
I want you to be on the first
tee of the Roseville golf course.
- Okay pal, I'll be there.
- You will?
Sam, what am I
going to tell you,
I'll never forget you
for this. He's coming.
Ernie this is crazy,
it will never work.
Don't tell me what won't work.
Sugie, you got that
golf cup magnetized.
- We gave it the full charge.
- And the ball?
- Here it is, I just finished it.
- What did you do with it?
Put a steel ball in the middle.
Now let's see if it will work.
Good one more time
with my eyes closed.
This is it.
Your job Papparelli is
to see that that golf cup
is on every green before
the Colonel gets to it.
- Right.
- Got it?
Sarge, are you sure the Colonel
is going to play
tomorrow morning?
Are you kidding?
Would he give up his
Saturday morning round of golf,
get that application out
for the tournament this is it.
Now look.
Sam it's easy
there is nothing to it.
Bilko, this is the
screwiest thing I have ever.
Sam, will let me worry
about did I steer you wrong,
just do what I tell you.
Here, here he comes now.
- Don't let me down Sam.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh good morning.
- Good morning.
Shall we make it twosome?
I'm sorry Sir, this is my
first day of playing golf.
I'm afraid I'll just
louse up your game.
- Thanks for telling me.
- Well of course all right Sir.
Good morning
having go with it Sir.
- Yes good morning.
- Sir Col. Hall how are you Sir?
Ah Bilko.
Yes I thought that I'd have
a morning round of golf.
How about we make a twosome.
I have a caddie who
will carry for both of us.
- Sarge, 30 cents an hour -
Don't be greedy Doberman.
Sit in the caddy
chair right over there.
Bilko, I didn't know
you played golf.
Well I'm more of a
student more of teaching.
You see I've helped many people.
Perhaps I give
you a few hints Sir.
Don't you utter a word
when I'm on that tee.
- I merely mean to help?-You
heard me not a word.
All right, anything you say.
Well, shall we start Sir.
- Well he is first.
- Oh there is man ahead of us.
- What is it, Sir?
- He looks familiar.
Oh yes that's the
new delivery boy
at Schultz's Butcher Shop.
Oh I know, I've seen him before.
Sir, I'd better give him a few
hints or we'll be here all day.
- Give him hints not me.
- All right.
No, hold it, just a minute.
You don't mind me
interrupting you, do you?
- No, not at all.
- Do you mind a few suggestions?
Oh I'd love that.
You seem to be in
a little difficulty here.
I sure am.
Let me see your grip Sir, the
way you're, that's gruesome.
What are you playing, hockey?
Well get the left hand and
the right hand together, that's it.
That's it. Right hand under.
Feet little apart, that's it.
Stiff left hand, now
take a whack at it Sir.
You mean hit the ball?
- Yes go on - I
don't believe I can.
Yes you will you've
got a good grip there.
Go right ahead Sir.
Bilko that was 300 yards!
Yes only 300 yards, he
didn't keep a stiff left hand.
I've helped many people if
they don't listen I can't help them.
Try that again, will you Sir
you almost had it that time.
Wasn't that better, I mean
did you feel better doing it.
Oh I don't know
how I did it but.
Well try it again. Just
keep that left hand stiff.
- Is that all right?
- Yes that's fine.
Go ahead whack away.
- It was almost on the green!
- Sure almost.
Almost isn't good enough
some people you just can't help.
You see what I mean,
he doesn't absorb
what I tell him,
but it was better.
Do you know I think
I'll take this over
to practice tee and practice it.
Go to the practice tee,
that's the place to learn.
Well thank you.
You're doing very well
though, good luck to you.
Well we got rid of him,
go ahead Sir, you're up.
- A butcher boy, huh?
- Yeah.
Your driver sir?
Fore! Give it a whack Sir.
- Ernie.
- Ernie, who called?
Oh Sir something you want?
You know what I want, show me.
But Sir you said.
Since when do you
listen to what I say, now?
Show me give me a few
hints. Show me what I do wrong.
All right Sir, I'm
sure I can help it.
Well let's get away
with this duffer
tore up the whole woodwork here.
- Oh fine.
Let's get over here where
we got a firmer footing Sir.
- Right.
All right, the first thing I like
to see Colonel is your swing.
Take a swing at
the ball let me see it.
- Okay.
- Go ahead Sir.
Beautiful, that's beautiful.
I don't see anything
wrong with that.
- Well.
- Try it again Sir, let me see it.
Oh I see it. You
kept your eyes open.
Oh.
Start again now swing
back and shut your eyes,
go ahead Sir, shut your.
- Shut my eyes?
Yes Sir tightly.
Bilko, Ben Hogan says
keep your eyes on the ball.
Well I've argued this
point with Ben many times,
of course if you'd
rather listen to Hogan.
No, no, show me.
I've never made a drive
over 70 yards in my life.
Well, you'll do better than that
when I get through with you Sir.
Now remember the eyes must
be shut tight here address your ball.
- Right.
- Now Sir, when I say 3
you swing the ball.
Are your eyes shut?
- Yes Bilko.
- Nice and tight?
Yes.
All right, now
when I count 3, Sir,
you swing the ball keep
those eyes shut, tight.
- Right.
- Now it's 1, 2, 3.
Oh about 300 yards, you're
still 200 yards from the green.
I must have told you
something wrong.
300 yards, I don't feel
as if I even hit the ball.
That's the way you're supposed
to feel, when you do it right.
- That's right.
- That's what Ben Hogan says.
Ben Hogan, really Sir.
Oh no Bilko I'll
keep my eyes closed.
My eyes closed all the time.
- All right let's go Sir.
Oh no never mind your
clubs, Doberman will get those.
Doberman on the double
look alive Doberman.
What club for this one, Bilko?
Well let me see, about
200 yards from the green?
- Give him his putter.
- A putter?
Yes you don't wanna
overdrive it, do you Sir?
No, no, eyes close.
Eyes shut tight.
Now are they shut tight,
all right Sir get ready now.
1, 2, 3.
Bilko?
About 20 feet from the cup.
Well, better luck next
time, come on let's go.
Oh Sir, you can open your eyes.
They're shut only
when you swing the ball.
Of course, of course.
All right Doberman,
look alive here we go.
You'll put this, just put it, so
take a stance, Sir you know.
Oh eye closed.
- That's right Sir.
- All right.
How can I get it in the
cup, when I can't see it?
Sir, will you just
putt it, just putt it Sir.
All right.
Here it goes.
Natural English Sir!
You see you not
only putted the ball,
you thought it into the cup.
I thought that one
in good all right.
It went for that cup just
as if it were a magnet.
- Yes.
- What's the matter?
Sir, when you sink a
putt you really sink it.
Well we go to
the next hole, Sir.
Yes. What is my score?
Oh yes score, I think
you were two under par.
That would be a three yes.
Two under par, an
eagle! I got an eagle.
You'll do better than
that Sir, believe me.
The next hole I
remember that's a par 4.
- He'll need a 5 iron.
- A number 5 iron?
- Yes.
- Well, Ben Hogan says.
Oh I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Bilko I'm sorry.
I do hope I've heard the
last of Ben Hogan Sir?
Yes of course, of course.
- This way.
- An eagle, huh.
Go ahead Sir, drop her in.
With the driver?
What difference does it make?
As long as your
eyes are closed Sir.
- Of course, of course.
- Let her fly Sir.
I did it again. Voom! Voom! Puh!
- Enjoy your game.
- Thank you very much.
Hey Mike and don't
forget to replace the divots.
Ah uh Col. Hall has
just finished his game,
safe for us to go out
on the course now.
You're not kidding, isn't
the greens committee's
gonna do something about him?
Yeah, when he is through playing
the course looks
like no man's land.
- Good morning.
- Morning Colonel.
How did you do Colonel?
Oh, not bad. Not bad at all.
Here comes our weekly laugh,
let's go and check his score.
11 under par and it's verified.
Birdie, eagle hole
in one, birdie, eagle.
- Eleven under par.
- Hey Jack, how did you do it?
- Come on what's the secret?
- No secret.
- Everything just fell into place.
- Oh come on give.
How about going around
with us and showing us.
I'm sorry I can't
I've got to pack.
I'm going to Palm
Springs California.
I have entered the
Army officer's tournament.
I can't believe
it! 11 under par.
Say well that's a brand
new record for the course.
By the way will any of you
like Ben Hogan's book on golf,
I won't need it anymore.
- I'll take it.
Come on Jack at
least give us a clue.
All right, all right here is a
picture of Ben Hogan swinging.
- What is he doing wrong?
- What is Hogan doing wrong?
Yes, look at it.
Now he is doing something wrong.
Look closely, very obvious.
- I can't see it.
Very obvious, you
oughta be able to see it.
You call yourselves golfers.
Oh what is Hogan doing wrong?
- His eyes are open.
- What?
Sarge, you saved
the social season.
- Fun, fun, fun, fun!
- Are you kidding?
I'd rather be at Palm
Springs watching
the Colonel in that tournament.
I can just see him teeing
off with his eyes closed.
You know some of the
best players in the country
are going to be
in that tournament
and there he'll be
whiffing away, eh Sarge?
Sarge, what's the matter?
I can't go through
it, that's all.
I just can't go through with it.
But Sarge, we
put so much into it.
Salvage what you can.
Sell the egg rolls, sell
the Japanese lanterns.
But Sarge, it's all
set. He's leaving.
I just told you I can't
go through with it.
But why?
Now look, the Colonel's a
pretty regular guy, isn't he?
Oh yeah but look at all.
Yeah but nothing.
He can't have him
making a fool of himself
in front of all those
brass and that officer club
and people that he
went to West Point with.
I mean he'll look
pretty silly won't he?
In front of all
those high brass,
swinging away
with his eyes closed.
Really, I can't just
do this to this him.
I just can't. I've got
to talk him out of it.
Come in. Oh I'm
sorry, sorry Bilko.
I'm glad you dropped
in, I want you to have
my car ready to
take me to the airport.
Sir, you're really set on
entering that tournament Sir?
Bilko how can I
lose, 11 under par.
Look Sir, maybe
it was an accident.
Perhaps you're not
ready, maybe next year Sir.
Bilko I'm at the top of my game.
Sir, won't you reconsider
I mean after all
something might happen.
Bilko, what if I have a little
tough luck and come in second?
Well, I'm a grown
man, well I can take it.
Sir, as your instructor
I must advise you
not to enter that tournament.
Bilko as your
commanding officer,
I'm ordering you to
have my car ready.
Yes Sir.
Well, I can't talk him out
of it. Wait a minute, I got it.
I've got to convince him
he is the world's worst golfer.
- Good shot Sir.
- Thank you Bilko.
Colonel I want to
apologize for ever doubting
that you could win
that tournament.
It's just that I'm so
nervous about my pupil Sir.
I understand.
Sir, I think this afternoon
before you leave,
you should get a good practice
round under your belt, Sir.
- Well, if you say so Ernie.
- You're the boss.
- Yes.
- I mean on the golf course.
Of course Sir, shall we Sir?
Well I'm ready any
last minute hints?
Well Sir, just one thing,
you see sometimes
a man plays a
wonderful round of golf,
and then the next time he plays,
he's back to being a duffer Sir.
- I know.
- You do?
Of course.
That's those golfers
that don't know the secret,
eyes closed.
Look Sir, there is no
secret to good golf,
it's just that I want you
know if anything happens
please don't be broken hearted.
It's just one of those things.
Is that all, Chaplain?
May I play?
- Yes Sir.
- Thank you.
Well here goes,
club back, eyes closed.
1, 2, 3.
About 270 yards, I've got
to improve my distance.
- Well come on let's go.
- Yes, yes.
Yap, here it is.
Now Bilko, how far would you
say this one is from the green?
- About 150 yards, Sir.
- Now give me the putter.
Yes Sir.
Well, here it goes, eyes closed.
1, 2.
Right on the green!
Shucks! Missed
the cup by 10 feet.
You're right Bilko I did
need the sharpening up.
All right let's go come on.
Eyes closed, here it goes.
Nothing Sir, nothing.
Well come on let's get
this round over, I'll get stale.
Yes Sir, yes Sir.
Hey, where is the
Colonel's staff car?
- Outside.
- Good.
Hey Sarge, salvaged a $100.
Good, I've got to
drive the Colonel
to the airport hold these clubs.
Didn't you talk him out into
going into that tournament?
Look, I'm out of it, we're
betting and he can't lose.
- He can't lose?
- There is a wrap up.
- I've got to get out of here.
- Wait the Colonel's clubs.
Oh yeah the clubs,
just give me putter,
that's all he'll need.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were
Sam Snead, who played himself,
Bob Hastings as The Lieutenant,
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Barbara Barrie as Edna
and Billie Allen as Billie.
the spark plugs.
- Job 724 is finished, Sarge.
- Okay.
- Get to work on the half-track.
- Right.
Hold it. Hold it a minute.
We've got a loose
sprocket there.
Tighten it and
check the ignition.
We've got the truck
finished, Sarge.
Right, work, work, run
those battery tests, move it.
- Right.
- Everything okay, Sir?
Bilko, this is wonderful.
You're right up to date
on all your assignments.
Oh yes Sir. We wouldn't
want any unfinished work
to hold back the
Colonel's vacation.
- Col. Hall is going on leave?
Oh I forgot you're new
around here. Yes Sir.
Every year on this day
the Colonel goes away
to a little lake in Northern
Wisconsin for 15 days of fishing.
Oh yes, 15 days
without the Colonel.
- It's going to be tough.
- You'll miss him, huh?
Miss him?
Take the sun out
of a summer's day,
take the heart out of a
body, and that's what we are
without our beloved leader.
- I understand.
Oh yes, Sir, the first 5 days
they've passed on eventfully.
I mean we work hard,
we pretend he is not gone.
I see.
Second 5 days it
gets a little tougher Sir,
because little memories
start to creep in,
his lilting laugh, the
way his dimples flash
when he smiles, some of
the weaker men crack up Sir.
The last 5 days
sheer tragic Sir,
because around
sundown the men start
wandering out to the front gate
looking up the road hopefully,
hopefully wishing that
he cut his vacation short
and come back to us.
Sergeant, if there is
anything at all I can do.
Oh no, thank you Sir.
The other officers understand
what we're going through
and they leave us alone to
bury our grief in hard work, Sir.
Sergeant, the Colonel's
car is ready for his trip.
- My Colonel is going away.
- Sarge, Sarge!
- My Colonel is going away.
- Hang in there, Bilko.
- Yes, my Colonel is going away.
- He's gone!
All right, work, work now
the minute the Colonel leaves
I want those posters up announcing
all the dances you got that?
- Right Sarge.
- Order the same orchestra.
You get all the paraphernalia,
the roulette wheels
everything we need.
The minute the Colonel
drives out of this gate,
the social season starts.
Here are the costumes
for the Mardi Gras.
Good. Good. Move it.
Look, Sarge, if you want
this done by tomorrow.
All right don't get
sentimental, we'll work it all.
Give me your schedule
on the social season.
- Right Sarge.
- The Colonel leaves at 9:30 tonight.
At 9:32 a rocket is fired
which formally announces
the beginning of the marathon
poker game in the gun shed.
- Check.
- Excuse me, what is it?
How many times what, what are
you doing with these shoulders?
I want Ivy League. Ivy League!
Don't give me the
broad shoulders, watch it.
Go ahead.
At 9:45 Farmer Brown arrives
and it's all aboard for
the officer's hayride.
And it should be
out of sight by 9:47.
At 9:50 a combination
brunch and bingo party
in the officer's
dining room. Check.
Um, do you mind? Do you mind?
- What's wrong Sarge?
- I want sweep dash.
You said Ivy League.
Yes but with dash
I've got to look elegant
when I cut the ribbon in
front of the Colonel's house
officially opening the Lucky
Luciano Memorial Gambling casino.
On Wednesday we start the
"Colonel for a Day" contest.
Colonel for a Day
contest, it's very important,
increase the prices.
I want that to move.
Excuse me, what is
this? This is ruffles.
- These are ruffles.
- Sarge, I don't know.
I told you I want
this to be exotic.
I want it to speak
out, it must say,
cha cha cha! Cha cha cha!
You're forgetting that
I lead the Congo line
into the guardhouse
which officially opens
the floating crap game?
- Oh yeah.
Use your imagination. Go ahead.
Every afternoon at 2:00
there is the cock fight
in the Colonel's cellar.
- Got the chickens?
- Yeah.
I hope this year
you've got roosters.
Last year instead of fighting
they just sat around
and laid eggs.
Watch that, we're charging.
Excuse me, hold it a minute.
Pardon me artist, I hate to
infringe upon your integrity
may I ask what is
this supposed to be?
It's your costume for the
"come as your favorite
movie star dance."
- Favorite movie star?
- Yeah.
Which movie star am I
supposed to be please?
- Yul Brynner - Yul Brynner?
You must be kidding.
The one movie star I bear no
resemblance to, you pick out?
Use your imagination, pick
out somebody I look like!
All right.
I'll put you in a T-shirt
and a leather jacket.
The minute you walk in they'll
all going to say, Marlon Brando.
Bless you. Now you're thinking.
I'll get that. Hallo
Motor Pool, Sgt. Bilko.
Yes Col. Hall.
Yes Sir, 8 o'clock.
I'll have it there sharp at
8 o'clock Sir, thank you Sir.
He wants his car,
he is leaving tonight
at 8 o'clock he's leaving,
like he does every year.
He gets a head start
he'll spend the first night
with his brother in Topeka,
by tomorrow morning it starts.
We're going to work all night,
because tomorrow
this is no more a camp.
This is fun land! Fun, fun!
All right, it's
Bilko with the car.
Did you call the movie house?
I don't want to miss the
beginning of the feature picture.
Oh we have plenty of time.
Do you realize that for the
past 10 years at this time
we were on our way
to Lake Minnewoowoo.
Well we're doing the
right thing this time,
taking our vacation in
the winter instead of now.
You'll love Florida and I'll
get a chance for a little golf.
Come in.
- Col. Hall Sir.
- Ah Bilko.
- Mrs. Hall, the car is outside.
All gassed up and
ready to go, Sir.
Oh thank you. That will be all.
Is there anything we
can do to help Sir?
Help, no well thank you.
Sir, I'll just like to
go before you go
that every minute
that you'll be away Sir
will weigh like a stone
in the hearts of the men
who love you Sir.
- What?
With you gone we'll be like
a ship without a rudder, Sir.
Bilko we won't
be gone that long.
Oh Sir, don't hurry it up for
one minute on our account.
Think of yourself,
Sir. Goodbye Sir.
- Bye?
- Please don't make it any harder.
Goodbye little mother,
take good care of him.
Take good care of him?
- Bilko we'll only be gone for...
- My Colonel is going away.
- Now Sarge, Sarge.
- What's wrong with him?
Nothing Sir, we'll
take care of him.
- My Colonel is going away!
- Please Sir, just go.
- It's better that way.
- Sure sure
- Come on Nell.
- Sgt. Bilko.
- My Colonel is going away.
- Goodbye Sir.
- He's gone.
- This is it.
Hello Edna, Colonel is gone,
spread the word the festival
starts first thing in the morning.
You've got we're ready.
Oh contact the post
Bugler, tomorrow morning
instead of Reveille ta
ra ta ra, I want it to play,
the Colonel's gone ha!
The Colonel's gone ha!
We're going to rock
while the Colonel is gone.
No no Wong Lee
you got that wrong.
It's 300 egg rolls
and 200 egg foo yung.
Yes, and look Wong
Lee I'm taking your word
that you know how
to make those pizzas.
Okay, get them here, Holimah!
- All right.
- Who is taking the Cha Cha lessons?
- I am.
- How about you Billie?
Well I've got tickets for the
"Mr. America
Contest" in the gym.
Look, take the lessons today,
you'll see the muscles tomorrow.
Sgt. Bilko, are you
sure the Colonel allows.
Good heavens Lieutenant
you'll be late for Hayride.
All the officers are gathering in
front of the PX, have a good time!
Wait where is hat,
the Lieutenant's hat?
There it is Sir.
Have a good time.
The song books are
back in the wagon.
Well Cha Cha Time!
This is your tickets yes music.
Now 1, 2, 3 now,
it's in the hips.
Come over, now
you're getting it.
That's it. Next.
- Ten-shun.
- Bilko, what's going on here?
What's going on here?
Is something going on here?
I don't know what's going on.
Something must be going here.
Quiet! Stop mumbling.
Mumbling, who is mumbling,
what are you mumbling for?
I wasn't mumbling.
Are you mumbling?
- I wasn't mumbling.
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Yes Sir - I want to
know what's going on!
- What is going on?
- I don't know what's going.
- Do you know what's going on?
- Stop it before it starts again!
- Now what is all this?
- Oh I'm sorry Sir.
I thought... we're celebrating
the Chinese New Year Sir.
- Chinese New Year?
- Oh yes Sir.
After all we you want
them on our side,
so the least we could do.
Bilko, let the State
Department take care of that.
- Yes Sir.
- Now get back to work.
Yes Sir.
All right celebration is
over get back to work.
Sarge, everything is all set,
the hayride, the cock fight.
What happened?
I don't know what happened,
but I'm going to find out.
Col. Hall would you mind
signing this morning report Sir?
So, when we said
goodbye to you last night I,
is something wrong with
the morning report Sir?
This entitles me to 4
cha cha cha lessons,
a cocktail dance in
the gas testing chamber
and 4 shots of the
turkey at the rifle range.
That's a mistake Sir.
This must have come from
some careless, irresponsible camp.
It sounds awfully
much like this one.
Good humor, is it any
wonder we follow the Colonel
to the end of the world Sir.
- Quiet!
- Yes Sir.
What's on your mind?
Well Sir, last night we thought
you left on your vacation Sir.
Oh, so that was the reason
for all of your goodbyes.
- Yes Sir.
- Well my wife and I decided
to take our vacation in the winter.
- In the winter?
Sir, really you
think that's wise?
When we take our vacation
is no problem of yours.
Oh Sir, anything concerns
your health is our problem Sir.
- What's that?
- What Sir, I didn't hear anything.
There is hay wagon I
think going towards the P.X.
Oh probably
making a delivery Sir.
Well I don't like
animals on the post.
Yes Sir, I'll take
care of it Sir.
- What is that?
- What is what Sir?
- I heard a cockadoodle doo.
- Did you?
- The Colonel heard a cockadoodle.
- Did you cockadoodle doo?
No, I didn't cockadoodle doo.
Somebody must
have cockadoodle doo.
Perhaps you cockadoodle doo Sir.
No, I didn't cockadoodle doo,
maybe he cockadoodle doo.
- Did you?
- No, I didn't cockadoodle doo.
Admit it the Colonel thinks
one of you cockadoodle doo.
- Did one of you
cockadoodle - Quiet!
Whatever is going
on I want it stopped.
Right away Sir, immediately.
He cockadoodle doo Sir.
- No, I didn't cockadoodle.
- I can tell it.
Go on!
Well, Sarge what
are we going to do?
What? He just got
to go on that vacation.
Look Sarge, we've got over
$200 invested in this operation.
Busloads of soldiers they
will be here any minute.
Egg rolls are
gonna start rolling in.
I know. I've got to think.
Now look, what are you doing
come on think you're in this.
Look, Sarge wait a
minute here is a list
of summer activities for
officer's it just came in.
Hey maybe we can get
him interested in something.
Oh hey relax, what does it say?
Well there is a summer
class starts Tuesday in Denver
on the launching
of flying missiles.
Flying missiles are you
kidding? This is Fort Baxter.
If the Army are going
to launch any missiles
this is where they're
going to land them.
- Anything else.
- In Palm Springs California
there is the annual
officers' golf tournament.
Oh golf fine, Colonel
never shot under 200,
wait a minute
golf. Golf, that's it.
Oh now you're flipping.
The Colonel the way he plays,
in the big golf tournament?
Yeah Ernie, he is the
only guy I have ever seen
who hits the divot
further than the ball.
Let me handle this.
That's the only thing he is
even remotely interested.
But Sarge, he knows
here is no good.
He wouldn't dare
enter that tournament.
Oh yes he will, after tomorrow
morning's round of golf
and he comes in 10 under par.
- The Colonel 10 under par?
May even make it 11 under
par according how Sam feels.
- Sam?
- Sam Snead who happens
to be playing in a tournament
right now in Topeka.
I'll call him.
Right one more
Mr. Snead. Thank you.
- Is that all fellows?
- Oh just one more question.
Did winning the Topeka
open tournament here
give you as much a thrill
as winning the Masters.
Well it's always fun to win.
Excuse me Mr. Snead
there is a phone call for you
from a Sgt. Ernie Bilko.
- Bilko?
I knew that rascal in
the Army, where is he?
He is from Fort Baxter.
It's only about 25
miles from here.
Ernie Bilko, I wonder what
that rascal is up to now.
Look Sam, I wouldn't ask
you to come down here
and do this for us, if
we weren't desperate.
Jeez Ernie, I've got to get back
to my job at Greenbrae hotel.
But of course if it's important.
- Important?
Sam, the happiness of
2,000 men depends upon you.
Look, all I'm asking you to do,
tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock
I want you to be on the first
tee of the Roseville golf course.
- Okay pal, I'll be there.
- You will?
Sam, what am I
going to tell you,
I'll never forget you
for this. He's coming.
Ernie this is crazy,
it will never work.
Don't tell me what won't work.
Sugie, you got that
golf cup magnetized.
- We gave it the full charge.
- And the ball?
- Here it is, I just finished it.
- What did you do with it?
Put a steel ball in the middle.
Now let's see if it will work.
Good one more time
with my eyes closed.
This is it.
Your job Papparelli is
to see that that golf cup
is on every green before
the Colonel gets to it.
- Right.
- Got it?
Sarge, are you sure the Colonel
is going to play
tomorrow morning?
Are you kidding?
Would he give up his
Saturday morning round of golf,
get that application out
for the tournament this is it.
Now look.
Sam it's easy
there is nothing to it.
Bilko, this is the
screwiest thing I have ever.
Sam, will let me worry
about did I steer you wrong,
just do what I tell you.
Here, here he comes now.
- Don't let me down Sam.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh good morning.
- Good morning.
Shall we make it twosome?
I'm sorry Sir, this is my
first day of playing golf.
I'm afraid I'll just
louse up your game.
- Thanks for telling me.
- Well of course all right Sir.
Good morning
having go with it Sir.
- Yes good morning.
- Sir Col. Hall how are you Sir?
Ah Bilko.
Yes I thought that I'd have
a morning round of golf.
How about we make a twosome.
I have a caddie who
will carry for both of us.
- Sarge, 30 cents an hour -
Don't be greedy Doberman.
Sit in the caddy
chair right over there.
Bilko, I didn't know
you played golf.
Well I'm more of a
student more of teaching.
You see I've helped many people.
Perhaps I give
you a few hints Sir.
Don't you utter a word
when I'm on that tee.
- I merely mean to help?-You
heard me not a word.
All right, anything you say.
Well, shall we start Sir.
- Well he is first.
- Oh there is man ahead of us.
- What is it, Sir?
- He looks familiar.
Oh yes that's the
new delivery boy
at Schultz's Butcher Shop.
Oh I know, I've seen him before.
Sir, I'd better give him a few
hints or we'll be here all day.
- Give him hints not me.
- All right.
No, hold it, just a minute.
You don't mind me
interrupting you, do you?
- No, not at all.
- Do you mind a few suggestions?
Oh I'd love that.
You seem to be in
a little difficulty here.
I sure am.
Let me see your grip Sir, the
way you're, that's gruesome.
What are you playing, hockey?
Well get the left hand and
the right hand together, that's it.
That's it. Right hand under.
Feet little apart, that's it.
Stiff left hand, now
take a whack at it Sir.
You mean hit the ball?
- Yes go on - I
don't believe I can.
Yes you will you've
got a good grip there.
Go right ahead Sir.
Bilko that was 300 yards!
Yes only 300 yards, he
didn't keep a stiff left hand.
I've helped many people if
they don't listen I can't help them.
Try that again, will you Sir
you almost had it that time.
Wasn't that better, I mean
did you feel better doing it.
Oh I don't know
how I did it but.
Well try it again. Just
keep that left hand stiff.
- Is that all right?
- Yes that's fine.
Go ahead whack away.
- It was almost on the green!
- Sure almost.
Almost isn't good enough
some people you just can't help.
You see what I mean,
he doesn't absorb
what I tell him,
but it was better.
Do you know I think
I'll take this over
to practice tee and practice it.
Go to the practice tee,
that's the place to learn.
Well thank you.
You're doing very well
though, good luck to you.
Well we got rid of him,
go ahead Sir, you're up.
- A butcher boy, huh?
- Yeah.
Your driver sir?
Fore! Give it a whack Sir.
- Ernie.
- Ernie, who called?
Oh Sir something you want?
You know what I want, show me.
But Sir you said.
Since when do you
listen to what I say, now?
Show me give me a few
hints. Show me what I do wrong.
All right Sir, I'm
sure I can help it.
Well let's get away
with this duffer
tore up the whole woodwork here.
- Oh fine.
Let's get over here where
we got a firmer footing Sir.
- Right.
All right, the first thing I like
to see Colonel is your swing.
Take a swing at
the ball let me see it.
- Okay.
- Go ahead Sir.
Beautiful, that's beautiful.
I don't see anything
wrong with that.
- Well.
- Try it again Sir, let me see it.
Oh I see it. You
kept your eyes open.
Oh.
Start again now swing
back and shut your eyes,
go ahead Sir, shut your.
- Shut my eyes?
Yes Sir tightly.
Bilko, Ben Hogan says
keep your eyes on the ball.
Well I've argued this
point with Ben many times,
of course if you'd
rather listen to Hogan.
No, no, show me.
I've never made a drive
over 70 yards in my life.
Well, you'll do better than that
when I get through with you Sir.
Now remember the eyes must
be shut tight here address your ball.
- Right.
- Now Sir, when I say 3
you swing the ball.
Are your eyes shut?
- Yes Bilko.
- Nice and tight?
Yes.
All right, now
when I count 3, Sir,
you swing the ball keep
those eyes shut, tight.
- Right.
- Now it's 1, 2, 3.
Oh about 300 yards, you're
still 200 yards from the green.
I must have told you
something wrong.
300 yards, I don't feel
as if I even hit the ball.
That's the way you're supposed
to feel, when you do it right.
- That's right.
- That's what Ben Hogan says.
Ben Hogan, really Sir.
Oh no Bilko I'll
keep my eyes closed.
My eyes closed all the time.
- All right let's go Sir.
Oh no never mind your
clubs, Doberman will get those.
Doberman on the double
look alive Doberman.
What club for this one, Bilko?
Well let me see, about
200 yards from the green?
- Give him his putter.
- A putter?
Yes you don't wanna
overdrive it, do you Sir?
No, no, eyes close.
Eyes shut tight.
Now are they shut tight,
all right Sir get ready now.
1, 2, 3.
Bilko?
About 20 feet from the cup.
Well, better luck next
time, come on let's go.
Oh Sir, you can open your eyes.
They're shut only
when you swing the ball.
Of course, of course.
All right Doberman,
look alive here we go.
You'll put this, just put it, so
take a stance, Sir you know.
Oh eye closed.
- That's right Sir.
- All right.
How can I get it in the
cup, when I can't see it?
Sir, will you just
putt it, just putt it Sir.
All right.
Here it goes.
Natural English Sir!
You see you not
only putted the ball,
you thought it into the cup.
I thought that one
in good all right.
It went for that cup just
as if it were a magnet.
- Yes.
- What's the matter?
Sir, when you sink a
putt you really sink it.
Well we go to
the next hole, Sir.
Yes. What is my score?
Oh yes score, I think
you were two under par.
That would be a three yes.
Two under par, an
eagle! I got an eagle.
You'll do better than
that Sir, believe me.
The next hole I
remember that's a par 4.
- He'll need a 5 iron.
- A number 5 iron?
- Yes.
- Well, Ben Hogan says.
Oh I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Bilko I'm sorry.
I do hope I've heard the
last of Ben Hogan Sir?
Yes of course, of course.
- This way.
- An eagle, huh.
Go ahead Sir, drop her in.
With the driver?
What difference does it make?
As long as your
eyes are closed Sir.
- Of course, of course.
- Let her fly Sir.
I did it again. Voom! Voom! Puh!
- Enjoy your game.
- Thank you very much.
Hey Mike and don't
forget to replace the divots.
Ah uh Col. Hall has
just finished his game,
safe for us to go out
on the course now.
You're not kidding, isn't
the greens committee's
gonna do something about him?
Yeah, when he is through playing
the course looks
like no man's land.
- Good morning.
- Morning Colonel.
How did you do Colonel?
Oh, not bad. Not bad at all.
Here comes our weekly laugh,
let's go and check his score.
11 under par and it's verified.
Birdie, eagle hole
in one, birdie, eagle.
- Eleven under par.
- Hey Jack, how did you do it?
- Come on what's the secret?
- No secret.
- Everything just fell into place.
- Oh come on give.
How about going around
with us and showing us.
I'm sorry I can't
I've got to pack.
I'm going to Palm
Springs California.
I have entered the
Army officer's tournament.
I can't believe
it! 11 under par.
Say well that's a brand
new record for the course.
By the way will any of you
like Ben Hogan's book on golf,
I won't need it anymore.
- I'll take it.
Come on Jack at
least give us a clue.
All right, all right here is a
picture of Ben Hogan swinging.
- What is he doing wrong?
- What is Hogan doing wrong?
Yes, look at it.
Now he is doing something wrong.
Look closely, very obvious.
- I can't see it.
Very obvious, you
oughta be able to see it.
You call yourselves golfers.
Oh what is Hogan doing wrong?
- His eyes are open.
- What?
Sarge, you saved
the social season.
- Fun, fun, fun, fun!
- Are you kidding?
I'd rather be at Palm
Springs watching
the Colonel in that tournament.
I can just see him teeing
off with his eyes closed.
You know some of the
best players in the country
are going to be
in that tournament
and there he'll be
whiffing away, eh Sarge?
Sarge, what's the matter?
I can't go through
it, that's all.
I just can't go through with it.
But Sarge, we
put so much into it.
Salvage what you can.
Sell the egg rolls, sell
the Japanese lanterns.
But Sarge, it's all
set. He's leaving.
I just told you I can't
go through with it.
But why?
Now look, the Colonel's a
pretty regular guy, isn't he?
Oh yeah but look at all.
Yeah but nothing.
He can't have him
making a fool of himself
in front of all those
brass and that officer club
and people that he
went to West Point with.
I mean he'll look
pretty silly won't he?
In front of all
those high brass,
swinging away
with his eyes closed.
Really, I can't just
do this to this him.
I just can't. I've got
to talk him out of it.
Come in. Oh I'm
sorry, sorry Bilko.
I'm glad you dropped
in, I want you to have
my car ready to
take me to the airport.
Sir, you're really set on
entering that tournament Sir?
Bilko how can I
lose, 11 under par.
Look Sir, maybe
it was an accident.
Perhaps you're not
ready, maybe next year Sir.
Bilko I'm at the top of my game.
Sir, won't you reconsider
I mean after all
something might happen.
Bilko, what if I have a little
tough luck and come in second?
Well, I'm a grown
man, well I can take it.
Sir, as your instructor
I must advise you
not to enter that tournament.
Bilko as your
commanding officer,
I'm ordering you to
have my car ready.
Yes Sir.
Well, I can't talk him out
of it. Wait a minute, I got it.
I've got to convince him
he is the world's worst golfer.
- Good shot Sir.
- Thank you Bilko.
Colonel I want to
apologize for ever doubting
that you could win
that tournament.
It's just that I'm so
nervous about my pupil Sir.
I understand.
Sir, I think this afternoon
before you leave,
you should get a good practice
round under your belt, Sir.
- Well, if you say so Ernie.
- You're the boss.
- Yes.
- I mean on the golf course.
Of course Sir, shall we Sir?
Well I'm ready any
last minute hints?
Well Sir, just one thing,
you see sometimes
a man plays a
wonderful round of golf,
and then the next time he plays,
he's back to being a duffer Sir.
- I know.
- You do?
Of course.
That's those golfers
that don't know the secret,
eyes closed.
Look Sir, there is no
secret to good golf,
it's just that I want you
know if anything happens
please don't be broken hearted.
It's just one of those things.
Is that all, Chaplain?
May I play?
- Yes Sir.
- Thank you.
Well here goes,
club back, eyes closed.
1, 2, 3.
About 270 yards, I've got
to improve my distance.
- Well come on let's go.
- Yes, yes.
Yap, here it is.
Now Bilko, how far would you
say this one is from the green?
- About 150 yards, Sir.
- Now give me the putter.
Yes Sir.
Well, here it goes, eyes closed.
1, 2.
Right on the green!
Shucks! Missed
the cup by 10 feet.
You're right Bilko I did
need the sharpening up.
All right let's go come on.
Eyes closed, here it goes.
Nothing Sir, nothing.
Well come on let's get
this round over, I'll get stale.
Yes Sir, yes Sir.
Hey, where is the
Colonel's staff car?
- Outside.
- Good.
Hey Sarge, salvaged a $100.
Good, I've got to
drive the Colonel
to the airport hold these clubs.
Didn't you talk him out into
going into that tournament?
Look, I'm out of it, we're
betting and he can't lose.
- He can't lose?
- There is a wrap up.
- I've got to get out of here.
- Wait the Colonel's clubs.
Oh yeah the clubs,
just give me putter,
that's all he'll need.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were
Sam Snead, who played himself,
Bob Hastings as The Lieutenant,
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Barbara Barrie as Edna
and Billie Allen as Billie.