The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 33 - Bilko's Perfect Day - full transcript

The fates have aligned and it's the one day in his life when nothing can go wrong for Sgt.Bilko - but will the Old Sarge realize in time and get the chance to place that one big bet?

There comes one
day in each man's life

when the gods of chance ordain

that he out of all the
millions in the world

shall have his day.

The day when his every
wish becomes a reality.

Who will it be today?

Does he live in Paris?

Is he Pierre Duprez, a
poor street cleaner of Paris?

Is this his day?

No, his day comes next year.

Is he in Hong Kong?



Is it Ling Woo a Hong
Kong rickshaw boy playing

Fan-Tan with his last ¥20?

No, his day doesn't
come for 2 years yet.

Where is the fortunate man?

Oh the gods have chosen,
he is a Master Sergeant

in the United States
Army, his name Ernie Bilko,

look at him.

Little does he know that today
his every wish will be granted.

Come on you guys rise and shine!

All of yah, on
your feet, come on.

- Barracks rat.
- I heard that.

- Wake up Sarge.
- Come on Sarge.

You've got to get up!
You've got to get up!

- Why?
- Why?



Yeah why?

Give me one reason I
should get up today just

to walk to the guardhouse?

- The guardhouse?
- Give me a match.

Here is your lighter Sarge.

That hasn't worked
since the day I bought it.

- A match! A match!
- I'm out!

It's going to be
one of those days.

- Are you in trouble Ernie?
- Big trouble.

You know that horse room behind

the grain and
feed store in town,

I was there all day yesterday.

I played 26 horses,
not one winner.

Not even one?

The horses I bet on,
I left the starting gate

and were never seen again.

You need to
hear this, put off...

Would you stop
that when I'm talking?

On my way back to camp I
had a slight auto accident.

An accident?

Um hmm, I was driving
the Colonel's staff car.

- Oh no!
- Oh yes.

And with my luck I
had to crash the fender

with some loud mouth
civilian with a little mustache

with 5 kids in the back
seat his wife him screaming,

I'll report you first thing in
the morning to the Colonel.

Well, maybe today
he forgot about it.

- No, no not today.
- What do you mean?

I got a feeling in my bones

today is the kind of day,
nothing works for me.

Have you ever had
one of the feelings

that the world is
against you, this is the...

Hey Sarge, Sarge
the lighter worked.

Oh goody, goody, first
time it worked in 6 years.

Remind me to send a fan letter
to the company that makes this.

Give me a towel I am
going to take a shower.

With my luck I guarantee
there will be no hot water.

Papparelli, what's the matter?

- It's ice cold.
- Oh not again!

I am telling you when I got
up this morning that's the first...

- Oh Sarge.
- Sarge what?

- Do you mind?
- But Sarge.

- Shut up!
- Papparelli taking a shower,

Board of Health must
have made their move.

- Sarge.
- Oh shut up!

Got enough trouble for one day.

I knew this is going to
be one of those days.

The minute I got up
this morning I said,

Ernie close your eyes
again this isn't your day.

Once I'd like to
have a good day,

once I'd like to have things
turn right, but no, not for me.

Did I ever harm anybody,
all I do is worry about

my fellow men thinking,
but do I get a break?

One lousy break? No.

Not in a million years.

This is going to be fine, all
right peasants you're next.

Hey, we've got hot water.

Aaaaaghhh!

- It is ice cold again.
- I tell you boys.

This is the day for
Russian roulette, ah

the intelligentsia is up.

Sarge, what's an
eleven letter word?

Chowderhead, chowderhead
like you, now get back to work.

- Hey, it fits, it fits.
- But he didn't even hear...

I'm telling you for
Bilko it was hot,

for me it was cold.

Yeah, he is a witchdoctor.

He must be, he just gave me

an 11 letter word for
my crossword puzzle.

- So, what?
- So what?

I even didn't
him the definition.

All right Doberman,
make yourself scarce.

Say Sarge, can I go to town?

I need to pick up some spare
parts for the water heater.

There is no hot water.
- What do you mean no hot water?

- I just took a hot shower.
- Oh Sarge.

Look, Doberman if you want
to go in town for a meeting

of your Mousketeer Club
just come out and say it, huh.

- Mousketeer Club.
- That's Wednesday.

All right, all right.

Tell Kadowski to
drive you into town.

Jeez, thanks Sir.

He's a little ray of sunshine
in a sea of darkness, isn't he?

My tie on straight?

- Yeah.
- Fine Sarge.

At least I'll be the best dressed
deserter the Army ever had.

Go on, I bet this guy don't
even report you to the Colonel.

What are you talking about?

You should have
heard him screaming

you soldiers driving
taxpayers money around,

hitting fenders, crushing.
- Sarge, Sarge.

Call the nut farm.

Tell him we got
the fat one here.

Excuse me
professor, what is this?

Sarge, can you tell me how
many jelly beans are in a jar about,

this wide and this high?
- We thought he went nuts.

He has got legitimate
excuse here, jelly bean.

Come on, get of here. -Sarge.

With jelly beans is all I need.

They've got a jar of
jelly beans in the window

of Macgregor's Hardware store.

If you guess the
right number of beans,

you win a hundred
dollar money order.

You want me to help you,
the unluckiest man in the world,

you want me to help you?

- Yes Sarge.
- Oh come on.

Get away, leave me
alone, will you please.

Please Sarge.

What's the last 5
numbers on your dog tag?

61620.

That's the number
of jelly beans.

- Really Sarge?
- To the exact bean.

Oh jeez, thanks Sarge.

Isn't that beautiful, asking me

the unluckiest man in the world.

- Ah Sarge cut it out.
- No, no, it's a fact.

- It's a law of nature.
- A law of nature?

The smarter you are
the unluckier you are.

They have to do it.
It evens things out.

That's a law of nature?

That's to keep guys like
me from ruling the world.

- Oh Sarge, stop kidding.
- I'm not kidding at all.

I'll prove it to you.

A guy like me intelligently
dopes the horse, right.

8 hours a day I devote to
this, I get all the weights,

the figures, the handicaps, I
pour into the racing form, right?

What happens? I come
up with 26 straight losers.

You know how an
idiot picks horse racing,

they don't give it this.

You've got today's
scratch sheet?

Yeah, right here Sarge.

I'll show you how an
idiot picks horse races.

I'll start with the 1st race.

Who does he pick here?

Leaping Lena. Why?

He's got a aunt named Lena,

no thinking aunt named
Lena picks leaping Lena.

Second race, oh this is a
cinch he picks Fricassee.

Why Fricassee? He
had lunch fricassee.

He picks Fricassee race.

Uncle Joe, the
jerk hasn't got uncle

so he picks uncle Joe here.

Fourth race, Wicky Wacky Woo.

- He picks that horse.
- Why?

He's got a girlfriend
named Wicky who is Wacky,

Wicky Wacky Woo.

Fifth race, Little Naples
for no reason at all,

he just picks this
horse, Little Naples.

Sixth race, Happy Prince, why?

He's probably a Grace
Kelly fan, Happy Prince.

Last race, Twinkle Toes.

The jerk's feet hurt,
he picks Twinkle Toes,

and that's how jerks pick horse.

Don't tell me about
the law of nature.

- Come on Sarge, you're joking.
- Joking?

I've got a lot to joke
about today, huh?

They are taking me to the
guardhouse and I'm joking?

There they are. Come in.

Never mind the blind fold,
just give me a cigarette.

Sarge, it's only Fender.

Fender Good old Fender.

What did I do? What did I do?

Nothing baby. I'm
just glad to see you.

I'm glad to see you too
Sarge. What's going on?

You're just coming
from the administration?

Yeah, I've got the
morning reports.

Good boy, ah, anything else?

- No, nothing else.
- Good.

- Oh just one thing.
- What?

The Colonel has got
a civilian in his office

some guy with a mustache.

They want to see you
immediately, that's all.

- That's all.
- Goodbye old faithful.

- What's going on?
- I'll see you on visiting day.

Sarge, what are you going to do?

What am I going to do?

They've got my back to the wall.

I'll do what any decent
American soldier would do.

- I'll lie.
- Give me my hat.

Col. Hall Sir, did
you send for me Sir?

That's him. That's the one.

Lies Sir, lies I never saw this
man before in my entire life

- Quiet.
- He is the one.

Sir, if you're going to take
the word of every drunk who...

- Quiet.
- Yes Sir.

Now Mr. Forbes, are you
sure you can identify him?

Now Bilko turn around,
so he can see you.

- Put your glasses back on.
- He is the one.

He is the soldier
who ran into my car

at the corner of Main and Elm
Street at 11 o'clock last night.

11 o'clock well
that's impossible Sir.

I spent the entire
evening on the post.

You know Sir, I
didn't have a pass.

How could I leave the post?

- Oh brother.
- Colonel there can be no doubt.

Just a minute,
are you a citizen?

Has he been checked
through security, Sir?

Be quiet.

They've been landing
them by submarine Sir.

Achtung, where did you
hide your parachute Hans.

Speak we must know where it is.

- Bilko that's enough.
- Well all right Sir.

We're not here to play games.

Not at all, I can
assure you that Sir.

At 11 o'clock last night, you.

- Yes Sir.
- I told you where I was.

I was on the
post, isn't the word

of an American
soldier enough, Sir.

An American soldier
you're practically a civilian.

Look, oh, you came by with...

Is it any wonder we love
our Colonel, he funny, funny.

- Quiet. Quiet.
- Yes Sir.

Bilko, if you were on the
post last night, we want proof.

Well of course you
do, proof isn't it?

- Proof?
- Oh yes, why didn't I think of it,

of course I spent
the entire evening

with the officer of
the day Lt. Peterson.

The officer of the
day was Lt. Johnson.

Lt. Johnson, of course all
officers look alike to me Sir.

So, you were with Lt. Johnson.

The entire evening Sir,
I remember distinctively.

We collected clothes for the
Red Cross and then we colored

some eggs for the officers
kiddies party and there was this...

- That's enough.
- Yes Sir.

Mr. Forbes Lt. Johnson is one
of my most trustworthy officers.

You can bet on that. It will
be easy enough to check.

Check? Sir why
bother the lieutenant,

Come in.

I understand he's
been transferred Sir.

- Oh Lt. Johnson.
- Lt. Johnson.

- Yes Sir.
- I'm glad you stopped by.

I want to ask you a few
questions about last night.

Last night, Sir?

Last night, Sir why make
a man dig into the past?

Lieutenant, quiet,
lieutenant, were you

and Sgt. Bilko collecting clothes
for the Red Cross last night?

Yes Sir and Sir we filled
our baskets to the brim.

And after that did you
and Sgt. Bilko color eggs

for a kiddie party? -Yes Sir.

In other words,
you and Sgt. Bilko

were together every
minute up until midnight.

Well if I remember
correctly Sir, I,

I think it was a few minutes
past midnight, wasn't it Sergeant?

I love you... yes.

Yes it was, 10 minutes
after midnight Sir.

- There is your answer Mr. Forbes.
- There is your answer Sir.

I know you're
anxious to find the man

that ran into you but
obviously it was not Sgt. Bilko.

- Will that be all, Sir?
- That's all.

Thank you Sir.
Thank you very much.

Oh I'll find this
man believe me.

You described, I am thinking it
was a short man with a goatee.

- That's all, Bilko.
- I'll look for that man.

Billie, look up about small
men with goatees for me,

will you?-Lieutenant jeez.
- Shhh!

- What?
- Thanks for covering for me.

Covering for you?

If the Colonel knew I
was off the post last night

visiting my girl it would've
meant my Lieutenant bars,

oh Bilko thanks again.
- Sarge, what happened?

You won't believe it the most
fantastic story, I made it up.

- Shh!
- Administration.

See I stopped
gambling I'm starting

to get the breaks, thank you.

One moment please,
it's for you Bilko.

- Me, who is it?
- It's that Mr. Fauntleroy

from the public library who
calls you every morning.

Oh yes, thank you very
much Edna, thank you.

Who is it? Patsy the book maker.

Hallo Mr. Fauntleroy.

Okay Bilko give me your picks.

We'll start with Belmont Park.

Mr. Fauntleroy I
have sad news for you.

I'm turning in my library card.

No more horses.

You're going to pull that on me?

For what?

You know what I mean,
you had a bad day yesterday.

You stuck me for 100 bucks
and now you're finished.

Look, Patsy I'll pay you next week.
- You'll pay me today.

You bring me that 100
bucks by 8 o'clock tonight

or else I go to the Colonel
and do some talking.

Oh yeah. Well I'll do
some talking of my own.

I'll tell him how you're running

an illegal horse betting
game right near an Army camp.

- Ah ha!
- I'll tell him about that direct wire

where you get the results.

And I'll tell him who
sold me the wire.

- Patsy, don't you.
- 100 clams by 8 o'clock.

Patsy, listen Patsy!

I've got to have 100
bucks by 8 o'clock tonight.

100 bucks, there ain't
that much money on a post.

My day, huh?

Now I know why you kept
me out of the guardhouse.

You were saving
me for Leavenworth.

Leavenworth?

Look, $100 we've got to
canvas the whole platoon.

Hey Sarge, I'm back from town.

You know what happened,
you know that jar of jelly beans

in the window of
MacGregors Hardware store?

Who cares he's bothering
me with jelly beans?

I've got to get $100.

Wait a minute, maybe
I can get it from Ritzik.

No I'll have to
kill his wife first.

Doberman guessed the
number of jelly beans to the bean.

He won a $100 money order.

Will you stop bothering
with jelly bean?

Hey, I'll get a G.I loan.

I'll tell them I'm going into
the jelly bean business.

Jelly beans, where
did I hear that?

Oh yeah, you just told me.

Doberman won $100 money
order for guessing the jelly beans.

I, Doberman won
a $100 where is he?

He is at the hardware store.

They are taking
pictures and everything.

Yes, that's the
fellow right there.

Yeah. He came in here

and he guessed the exact
number of jelly beans just like that.

- Fine looking soldier too.
- Where did he go from here?

He took one look and he
said 61620 right on the nose.

If you don't believe him,
why you can count them.

Look, I believe you.
Where did he go from here?

That fellow certainly
knew his jelly beans.

Oh brother, can you
tell me where did he go?

That's him right there
accepting the money order.

What happened to him?

He is a much nicer looking
boy in person you know.

I know he is lovely.

Where did he go
when he left here?

My wife and me, we're
starting another contest now,

the first customer to
say the magic word

he gets $100 money
order. Oh nuts.

Well, Emma did you
figure out a magic word?

Yes.

- Nuts.
- Nuts?

Well the fellow just said it.

I've got to get a money order.
- Hey mister.

Keep the jeep
running I'll look in here.

- Sergeant.
- What?

Sergeant my name
is Horatio Flink.

- Good boy.
- Sergeant would you.

Please I'm busy.

Excuse me madam
this is an emergency.

What is it?

Was there a little fat
soldier coming here

to cash $100 money order.
- Say, do you know him?

Yes, yes.

Guessed Macgregor's
jelly beans to the T.

He was here. Now
where did he go?

Why, I don't know he just
took the money and ran out.

Doberman with
$100, can you imagine,

I'll have to look at
every toy shop in town.

- Excuse me Sergeant.
- What?

Will you please take
me to the police station?

Do you mind, I'm busy.

Mister, did you see a
soldier with glasses?

Excuse me, will you please
take me to the police station.

Sure, follow me.

Here he is.

Duane, Duane baby
you never looked lovelier.

I hear you won $100.

Yes Sarge, I guessed the exact
number of jelly beans in the jar.

Good boy, the way
your luck has changed,

I can't keep you out our
poker game any longer.

Sarge, you're going to
let me play poker with you?

Come on baby.

- Hey just a minute.
- Just give me 5 minutes with him.

- Oh no, no he is our K.P.
- I'll have him back in 3 minutes.

No, not even a minute.

The officers are
running a party tonight

and he's got to open
up these oysters.

- You're kidding.
- What do you mean?

You're going to let
him open these oysters.

Why not?

I have it from good authority

there is a genuine pearl
in one of these oysters.

- A pearl?
- A real pearl worth $500

of course if you want
to let him open these.

- No, no.
- You want to open them yourself.

- I'll open them myself.
- Come on!

I've got a peanut
butter sandwich for you.

Hey, you want me to do it Sarge?

No, no I'll open them myself.

Comfy Doberman?

Enjoying your peanut
butter sandwich?

Eat baby eat. Eat eat!

Tell you what we're going to
do, we'll start the pots small,

then we'll build it up to
make it real interesting, okay?

- Anything you say Sir.
- I open for a dollar.

- I am in.
- I'm in.

- I owe a dollar.
- You've got $100.

No, I lost that in
the other game.

What other game?

Is it amazing, for a
year I don't play poker

and now twice in 1 day.
- What other game?

Two fellows stopped me
in front of the post office

and they invited me up to their
hotel room for a poker game.

- Oh no.
- Nice fellows,

They gave me liverwurst.

Oh goody they gave
him the liverwurst.

We've got to get
this money back.

Sarge, how? They won it.

This is a job for the police.

Those men were
obviously card sharks

and there's no room in
Roseville for another card sharks.

Hey liverwurst, what
room number what?

- 501.
- 501 come on come on!

What do you mean you
haven't got time now?

An American soldier was
fleeced by card sharks.

Look Bilko, we're busy.

We just nabbed Horatio Flink.

It is the biggest thing
that has happened

to our department in 50 years.

Now I demand that you
apprehend these men at once.

They are in room 501
at the Roseville hotel,

arrest those fiends
and return money

to that poor innocent boy.

501 okay, we've got him.

- One more picture of Horatio.
- Wait, wait for me.

I was in the doorway
when they brought it in.

10 o'clock Sarge.

Patsy is probably on his way

to spill everything
to the Colonel.

Well Sarge, that's the
way the cookie crumbles.

Oh shut up, cookie crumbles.

Look at my philosophy here,
what do you mean cookie crumbles.

Can't one sweet, wonderful
thing happen to me?

Like what?

Like Patsy getting hit by a
truck, is that asking too much.

One lousy break
like this guy here

turns in Horatio Flink
and gets $10,000.

Horatio Flink, would you please
take me to the police station?

Hey Sarge, it's driving me nuts.

How come the shower is hot for
you and cold for everyone else?

- Flink.
- The way you picked

the exact number of jelly beans.

Sarge, Ritzik found
a pearl in an oyster,

sold it for $500. -Flink.

And that lieutenant did
just whatever you said.

- Flink.
- Hey Sarge, look at who won

the first at Belmont,
Leaping Lena.

- Leaping Lena?
- Paid $285 to win.

- Leaping Lena?
- What is it Sarge?

- Quiet!
- Where is that scratch sheet,

where I picked all the
horses this morning.

- Right here Sarge.
- Let me look at it.

Tell me the winner
of the second race?

Fricassee.

- The third race?
- Uncle Joe.

- The fourth race?
- Wicky Wacky Woo.

And then Little Naples,
Happy Prince, Twinkle Toes!

Sarge, I'm scared.

So am I, but I've
got to make sure.

Here, give me 5
cards, face down.

- Sarge.
- Deal.

Give me a royal flush.
What have you got?

You look.

Sarge, it's a royal flush.

Thank you.

You see this was my
day and I didn't know it.

This is the day I can't lose.

Boys, everything I said
will happen, happen.

This is the day I
can rule the world a

And I only have
got 2 hours to do it,

and this is the day I can
pick the winner of any race.

But Sarge, it's 10 o'clock,
there are no more races.

There must be
something else here.

Wait a minute there is
a fight to Los Angeles;

Rocky Rossini the champ is
fighting Evelyn Chatsworth.

- Evelyn what?
- It's just a tune up fight.

The champ is 6 to
1 favorite. That's it.

We put all our money on
Evelyn and he can't lose.

Evelyn can't lose, are you sure?

Pick a card? Deuce of clubs?

Evelyn can't lose.

I have to go down and get
some money give it to Patsy,

money, we've got to get money.

Sarge, you owe Patsy $100.

You know at a time
like this I need a measly,

Ritzik he's got $500.

- But Sarge he is asleep.
- I'll wake him up.

What is it?

Rupert I think there is
a prowler in the house.

Oh let him prowl, go to sleep.

But I think there
is a prowler Rupert.

What do you got
against prowlers?

- That's how we met!
- Who is it?

- It's Ernie Bilko.
- He heard about the $500.

- Oh no!
- Oh, I wish it were a prowler.

- Bilko you can't come in here.
- Good evening Mr. Ritzik.

I just have to talk
to Rupert here.

You don't, you're not
touching that money.

- You keep him away from me.
- Rupert listen to me.

I'll make you thousands.
Rupert today I can't lose believe.

- Rupert.
- Keep your distance.

Take a card Rupert, take a card.

- Don't give him the money.
- Never

Rupert you've got to
believe me I can't lose.

Take a card any card at all.

- Any card.
- Jack of diamonds.

- Emma, give him the money.
- Rupert you're crazy.

Give him the money.

Rupert it's 6 to 1 on
a fight in Los Angeles.

- Oh give him the money.
- Never!

- I will die first.
- Give me the money.

- Now stop this.
- Wait a minute.

What are we doing?
We're acting like animals.

This lady is your wife.

Let's be adults and
rational about this.

Rupert explain to her
calmly, reason with her,

explain to her what it means
to have money on a sure thing.

Emma my dear Bilko was right.

Where did you hide the money?

Bilko will you do
something, he's crazy.

Rupert, I told you
to reason with her.

There is a nerve right here,

if you squeeze it
properly they can't stand it.

Never, never.

- Yeah.
- Where is your husband Patsy?

He ain't here.

What do you mean he ain't
here, I got some money for him.

He got a call, he went over

to room 501 of
the Roseville hotel.

- 501?
- Yeah.

He said it was a parent
teacher's meeting.

Oh yeah 501, PTA
meeting come on.

I don't get it. We
ain't got no kids.

- Hey what is this?
- Michael where is Patsy?

- Patsy?
- Didn't you hear?

Hear what?

We just got a phone
call from the hospital.

- He was hit by a truck.
- He was hit by a truck.

You like my luck,
what do I do, what?

- What? What?
- Hey soldier.

- What do you want?
- You feel lucky tonight.

Yeah lucky, I'm very lucky.

How about a little poker?

Yeah, little poker yeah why not.

Little poker like a
little pokerino, huh?

Nothing like it.

See I don't know
the game too well

but I'm sure you'll be tolerant.

This isn't like bingo isn't it?

You open solder,
I'll open for $100.

$100?

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

What have you got?

What do I got, royal
flush? Okay, royal flush.

Wait a minute, you haven't
even looked at your cards.

Oh yeah, you look
at them. Royal flush!

What did I tell you.

All right everybody
it is a raid.

- You are under arrest.
- Wait a minute, what is this?

Why can't a few friends sit down
for a friendly game of mah-jongg?

What are you
doing, is this Russia?

Oh it's you Bilko, good work.

If more citizens gave
us tips like you did,

we could do our job better.

Wait a minute he was
just a friend, he is a friend,

take a high card for
$100 come on people.

Ernie, Ernie, the
fight, the fight.

So what Evelyn can't lose.

The biggest upset of the
century Evelyn Chatsworth,

has just knocked out the
champ, Rocky Rossini,

what are you wasting time,

I told you he couldn't lose.
11 o'clock I only got an hour.

There must be some action.

Wait a minute, 11 o'clock

that means it's 3
o'clock in Australia.

We've got time for the third
race at the track of Melbourne.

We've got a time to find Patsy.

Excuse me.

Are we too late?

- Oh I'm sorry, no visitors.
- We are the immediate family.

- Daddy we're here.
- Please be very quiet.

Yes. Patsy, it's me Ernie Bilko.

Oh Ernie, nice of you to come.

Patsy we came here the
minute we heard about it.

Ya know, it's times like this

when you find out who
your real friends are, oh.

Hang on Patsy, hang on.

Patsy I know these
aren't the best conditions

to talk business in but
can you get me the odds

on the races in
Melbourne, Australia.

Bilko you came here to
bet on a horse in Australia.

Yeah, they are coming off
with the third race in Melbourne.

Better get in bed with
me, you're sicker than me.

He still has a sense of humor.

I want to bet $400 on the
longest shot in the race.

Nurse! Nurse!

No, please call me the
betting syndicate in New York,

and get price on the race.
I'm telling this can't miss.

Put something on it yourself.

It's a sure thing.
It's a sure thing?

Patsy look I had
8 winners today!

Leaping Lena in the first,
Fricassee in the second.

- Give me the phone.
- Phone, phone.

I want to call New
York circle 1-6457

yeah I'll talk to anybody.

- Yeah.
- Are you sure?

Patsy I can't miss,
this is my day.

Hallo Archie, this
is Patsy in Kansas.

I'm fine thanks.

Look Archie, is the
third race off yet.

What do you mean, where
Melbourne Australia of course,

15 minutes?

They're off in 15 minutes.

Bet me $400 on the
longest shot in the race.

Archie what's the
longest shot in the race,

Mugwamp, 160 to 1.
- That's the winner.

Archie put $400, no change
that put $500 on Mugwamp.

Right I put $100 on myself.
You won't regret it Patsy babe.

Hey Rocco get to the
camp get to Grover, tell him

to put up a short wave
radio set in my room.

I want to hook up to Australia
by the time I get back there.

Check Sarge.

Sarge, $400 to the
160 to 1, that's $64,000.

We don't have even have
to get into a hot booth.

It's a beautiful day
here in Melbourne,

the race has still been held up.

Come on they have to post
them, get them hurry them up.

Well, there goes Mugwamp.

They can't seem
to settle him down.

What is he acting
up for, he can't lose.

What are you worried
about Mugwamp?

The Mugwamp seems
to have settled down now.

There come on Mugwamp.
Come on Mugwamp.

They are only finished.

We're 6 he can only
finish before 12 o'clock.

They're crowding the first tag,

it's Mugwamp in the lead by 10
lengths, followed by Dark Disaster,

Lonesome Sam and Cherry Pie.

Stay with 'em
Mugwamp, stay with it.

And there in the back stretch.

This is amazing, Mugwamp
is leading by 25 lengths.

25 lengths!

Come on we've got a few
seconds. Come on Mugwamp!

They are crowding the far turn,
Mugwamp is ahead 35 lengths

followed by Dark Disaster,
Lonesome Sam and Cherry Pie.

Sarge, we're rich! We're rich!

He can only finish before
12, come on Mugwamp.

They're entering the
stretch it's Mugwamp

all alone leading by 40 lengths.

- We can't lose!
- Go Mugwamp!

All right fellows you can
forget about it, we lose.

But Sarge, he is leading
by 40 lengths in a stretch.

Will you listen to me, we lose.

And in the middle
of the stretch,

ah something has
happened Mugwamp.

He's slowing
down. He's trotting.

He's stopped. Oh and
here comes Disaster.

You're telling me.

I have to say,
Dark Disaster wins.

Couldn't give me
another minute, huh?

All right boys that's it.

That's the end of a perfect day.

You can't win.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik,

Paul Lipson as Patsy,

Parker Fennelly
as Mr. Macgregor,

Bert Thorn as Mr. Forbes,

then Ben Lackland
as Horatio Flink

and Beatrice
Pons as Mrs. Ritzik.