The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bilko Goes to College - full transcript

Justin, expelling
you from school

would break your father's heart.

I know Dean Sagamore.

But look at these marks,
failing in every subject,

falling asleep in classes.
- I'm sorry sir.

Of course if you insist
on gambling all night

with those low
characters in town.

Oh yes.
- There's sergeant Bilko

to see you.
- Bilko?

He's in charge of that
motor pool platoon,

who are here to
give our ROTC unit



their 4 week training course
in army vehicle maintenance.

- He says it's urgent.
- Well, send him in.

Justin, I've tried
everything to discipline you,

to break you of your
habit of gambling.

Sir, this is a pleasure.

My men and I have just been on
this ivy covered campus of yours

just for 10 minutes and
already the spirit of Schmill

is in our blood.
- Well, thank you.

Schmill men, Schmill
men observatory hill men,

oh it's a grand song.

Sergeant Bilko you said
there was something urgent.

Yes there is.

My men and I were rather
upset to find that no arrangements

have been made for a dance
welcoming us to the campus.



Dance?

Yes, but fortunately I
had some tickets printed

for a Welcome Visiting Soldiers
Dance to Our Campus Affair.

There will be a slight charge
with the faculties admitted free,

you can be assured of that.

Sergeant Bilko, if you and
your men have looked forward

to a gay and frivolous stay in
some playboy college, forget it.

Schmill is interested only in
the development of the mind.

Sir, it's just a little
fund raising activity.

That's all.

But sir, I am, I
am disappointed.

I thought that after
the stern disciplined life

we lead in the army I...
- Wait...

You changed your mind
about the dance, have you?

Discipline, army discipline.

We'll need a glee club sir
to give the opening number...

Sgt. Bilko you're just the man
I need to help me with Justin.

This is Justin Pierce.
- How are you?

Now we need a place
for the girls to change.

You see the bus is picking
them up at the pickle factory.

They can very well
dance with them.

We will have to have
some space for them.

Sergeant Bilko, I
want Justin to take that

ROTC training course under you.

Justin comes from a good family.

His father is chairman of
the Pierce Steel Company.

We have...
- The Steel Company, who?

Who's? Who's the steel?

I don't believe I've had
the pleasure, how are you?

Glad to shake
your hand, like him.

Liked him the minute I saw
him, there is character here, sir.

Character gone wrong
sergeant, the trouble with Justin is

he gambles.
- Gambles?

The son of a millionaire
and he gambles, good boy!

Sgt. Bilko I'm depending on
you to teach this young man

there's something
in life besides poker.

Sir, I assure you, I'll
never leave his side.

You have a knack for
devilry, have you young man?

Gee, I hope this college
life don't soften me up.

All right, get moving you know
what happens in a new base.

The first thing we
setup is the card table.

Look alive! Move! Move!

You're on a college campus,

you stand still ivy
grows all over you.

Put the chair right there,

right there where
young Mr. Pierce will sit.

Sarge, taking a
college kid at cards?

What are you talking about;

I'm simply following
instructions from the dean.

I was told to show him

there are other things
in life besides poker.

I'm going to show him
there's gin rummy, fantan,

black jack, Chermin-De-Fer,
and if time permits,

I'll induct him into the
mysteries of two-card kayoodle.

Sir, two-card kayoodle,
he's only a kid.

A millionaire kid,
there is a difference.

Here he comes Sarge.

Oh now you army men
we have to set an example

for these young men in college.

The first thing we do
is... Oh there you are.

All right, doesn't he
look nice in his uniform?

Not a bulge, not a bulge,
traveler's checks, no doubt.

Now you'll notice son, you notice
how they moved when I yelled.

That's army discipline

Sit down, I'm going to induct
you in some training manuals that,

oh good heavens the
boys left their cards.

They're continually
playing Old Maid.

Old Maid, that's
a laugh. Oh is it?

Well, if you know a game
that has more spice to it,

I don't mind learning.

- Did you ever play gin rummy?
- Gin rummy?

Gin rummy; is that the game
where somebody yells "bingo"?

Oh, this is pitiful.

No, no, now each gets 10 cards.

Excuse me, isn't this
sometimes played for money

like a penny a point,
a quarter a box,

$5 a game and
double for blitzes?

I thought you didn't
know this game?

Oh I hear these expressions
in smoking rooms.

I think, I think I know
what you're talking about.

Now... Found yourself
a new game, Justin?

- Little Louie.
- Who is this man?

- A gambler.
- Please I saw him first, out!

Out! Boys.

Just a minute, this punk's
been playing it pretty big

in a poker game I run in town.

I got a thousand bucks of
his IOU's and I want it now.

Oh a thousand dollars,
give it to him Justin.

Let's go on with our, I
believe I was dealing.

A thousand dollars,
I haven't got a dime.

You haven't got a dime?

If we don't get it from
you, we know where to go.

Oh, please Louie not my father.

Just give me time.
- You got time, till tomorrow.

Not a dime, how
do you like this.

My father worked his
way through college

and he's making me do the same.

Please we've got
our own trouble.

Do you like my luck?

I'm the only guy in the
world who meets a millionaire

but who hasn't got a dime.

When my father finds out I've
been gambling, he'll disown me.

Please, I've got my own
problems, not a dime.

If they'd only give me time,

in 2 years I inherit the
whole Steel Company.

Steel Company?

You inherit a Steel
Company in 2 years?

I'm president with
unlimited funds.

But you're right, this
isn't your problem.

What do you mean,
this isn't my problem?

Your problems are my problems.

I help you, maybe in
2 years you'll help me.

President of the
Steel Company, huh?

I mean your father didn't just
say this in a jovial mood one night,

I mean you've
got this in writing?

It was in grandfather's will.

Grandfather's,
good boy. Let's go.

You mean you're going
to pay the thousand?

Pay?

I made a rule earlier
in life, never to pay

when you can talk
your way out of it.

Well, talking to
Louie won't help.

It's Big Ed McMillen who's
head of the gambling syndicate.

Big Ed McMillen,

don't tell me you're
involved with him.

That sneaky character
who's got his itchy fingers

in every gambling enterprise,

book making enterprises,
numbers rackets?

Yeah, yeah, do you know him?

No, but he's
always been my idol.

Ah, come right in boys.

Mr. McMillen this is the
most thrilling moment.

Excuse me, it's my
daughter. She's 10 years old.

That's it darling, now
say, "Bye-bye daddy."

She said bye-bye.

Smart, smart only 10 years old
and she came out with a bye-bye.

Well, what is it this time
boys, selling war bonds?

Oh no, it's just a small
matter Mr. McMillen.

This poor unfortunate
boy in uniform

it seems that there
is some little bit of...

Excuse me, I have an IOU here,

Justin Pierce Jr.
- Yes, sir.

It's only a $1,000 you see,

but I haven't the
money right now.

Son, you have
nothing to worry about.

Did I tell you?

Did I tell you the
bigger they are, heart?

Has he got heart?

I'm sure when I
speak to your old man

as one business man to another,

he'll go as high as 10 grand

to keep this out of the papers.

- My father?
- Oh he's kidding...

Listen you punk don't
come into this office

and play tin soldier with me.

Just because you're
wearing that cornball uniform

don't come around
here welching on bets.

Look, nobody is welching
on bets, I once have...

Tiny, get these army
slobs out of here.

Just a minute,
watch that language.

Nobody calls any, I don't...

I think they want us
outta here, let's go, go.

And don't ever
come back you punks.

Sarge, why don't
you forget about it.

McMillen is too big a
man to try to get even with.

No man is too big for
the United States Army.

He's going to pay for
this. What did he call me?

You got here tin horn soldiers.

Put that down, tin horn soldier
is going to cost him $500.

Cornball uniform.

Cornball uniform,
put down a $1000.

Army slobs.

Army slobs, that's the
one that burning, $2,500.

If I let him off for less,

I would never be able to
face the Colonel again, next.

- Goldbricker.
- $100.

Only a hundred?

Let's face facts I've
been called that before,

let's be fair about this.

- Right - What is the total?

$4000.

$4000, gentlemen
that's what's going to cost

big sharp Mr. McMillen
to buy back these insults

and furthermore, before
we accept this money,

he's going to have to eat
this entire piece of paper

because some day...
- Watch out, here comes the team.

Stand back, you
want to be crushed?

Wow, that was an
invigorating practice.

It was invigorating.

- Trevor you were wonderful
- This is the Schmill team?

This is the team that
plays Notre Dame?

Okay, fellows hold it. Here
comes Coach Abernathy.

Attention gentlemen you were
marvelous in the field today.

I think this is the finest team
that Schmill has ever presented.

Now, don't forget those
secret plays that I told you,

the flying wedge.

Dismissed.

Have a nice game fellows?

Please, please forgive
me if I seem over curious,

but this is the team
that plays Notre Dame?

Yeah.

Who arranged this
game, Blue Cross?

This is murder.

Come on fellows,
let's take our shower.

Shower, hey you better
use the buddy system,

you'll go down the
drain, watch yourself.

All right back to work.

Schmill plays Notre Dame?

Hey Rocco, is
this record for real?

You mean that Schmill has never
scored one point on Notre Dame?

And Notre Dame never
scored less than 100.

I wonder what the odds
on this year's games will be.

Oh, Sarge, those
book-makers aren't that dumb.

They're going to not take
any bets on Notre Dame?

Suppose you wanted
to bet on Schmill.

Bet on Schmill?

No one in history ever bet on
Schmill against Notre Dame.

You could get a 1000 to 1 Sarge.

A 1000 to 1, huh?

Click, click,
click, click, click.

There's a soldier here
about a charity for the army.

All right, send him in.

Always glad to see
the boys in uniform.

Sir, I represent the committee
that wants to level Bunker Hill.

- Out!
- No, you don't understand sir.

The height of Bunker Hill

has caused poor television
reception at Fort Breed.

Out, the kid pays
the grand or else...

Oh that, I didn't come
to see you about that.

No? Now what do you want?

I wondered if I
could make a little bet

on the Schmill-Notre Dame game.

Oh how clever you are.

You want me to
take pity on a soldier

and take a sucker
bet on Notre Dame?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I want to bet a $100 on Schmill.

You want Schmill?

If the odds are right.

Odds, hmm.

I might be able to
give you a 1000 to 1.

- That's a bet.
- Uh huh

and here's my slip.

Here's a hundred dollar bill with
my name and permanent post

So you can send me the
$100,000 when Schmill wins.

When Schmill wins?

- I'll be seeing you.
- Beat it dog face.

Dog face, add a
thousand dollars to his list.

Now attention gentlemen,

I want you to meet
my, my new assistant.

Bilko sir. Ernie Bilko.

Now men, I'm going to handle
the publicity for this team.

I'm going to tell the sporting
world what I see here.

I like to tell you right here
and now, I like what I see.

I see the roughest,
toughest team

that the Old Fox has
ever put out on the field.

The Old Fox? Who's that?

- That's you?
- The Old Fox?

That's you, refer
to him by that name

in every press
release, remember that.

Old Fox, you're great.
- The Old Fox, Old Fox.

Now listen to me, I know
your record against Notre Dame

is not very good due
to the lack of manpower.

But this year we got it.

Now give me a list of the
names and the weights of the men

you are sending
to the newspapers

Ah, quarterback
Cyril G. Hush Jr.

Weight 126 lbs.
- That's me.

Excuse me, I don't
see Mr. Cyril G. Hush.

I see Swivel Hips Hush,
weight 200 lbs, put that down.

200 lbs.
- Next.

Schuyler Van Twitzel.

- How are you crazy legs?
- Crazy legs?

Crazy Legs, broken field runner

weight 240 lbs.

- 240 but...
- Think big and you'll be big.

He's thinking big,
put down 260 lbs.

Who's next?
- Dexter Lauradale.

- Don't stand up Ox.
- Ox?

Yes, Ox Lauradale, 240 lbs

of the plungingest
fullback to ever hit the line.

Now the line, ah ha! No names.

The line is referred to
those 7 Rocks of Gibraltar,

total weight 5 tons.
- 5 tons.

Now get that to the IMS,

UP and the AP and
give it this heading,

"Schmill Avengers Cry
Bring on Notre Dame."

But sergeant, you can't.

What was that expression?
- Bring on Notre Dame!

Save it, save your strength,
please save yourself.

There it is, all framed, the
easiest 100 I ever made.

He even put his
name and address on it

so I know where to
send the 100 grand.

You know something; I
think I'll hang it right over here.

Here's the afternoon paper boss.

Oh thanks.

I'm going to give
him a million to one.

I want you to spread
this around boys.

It's good for my reputation.

We sure will.

Fast heavy Schmill...

1000 to 1, what a chump.

Anybody think they could
take the boss for 100 Gs

- Something wrong, boss?
- Shut up!

- Hey boss.
- Shut up!

- Bilko Roseville, Kansas.

Who handles our bets
around Roseville, Kansas?

- Blinky Newman.
- Blinky Newman, huh?

Get me Blinky Norman.

Hey boss, you don't think this
soldier is an operator, do you?

An operator?

Hello, Blinky, this
is Big Ed McMillen.

No, no there's nothing wrong.

Did you ever run into
a soldier down there,

I think his name is Bilko.

Boss, look I once lost
to Bilko a long time ago.

You can't beat him,
no kidding, yeah.

If he makes a bet,
it's a thousand to one,

he's got some information.

A thousand to one.

Hey boss, if you're
worried about the bet,

why don't you go
down and buy it back?

Me go to see a soldier?

You don't know Big Ed McMillen.

I wouldn't walk across a
small room to see a general.

What are we all worried about?

Just think of them
school kids playing

the best team in the
country Notre Dame.

Get me the race results.

There's surprising news from
Schmill has the sports world agog

with players like the Ox,
Swivel-Hips and Crazy Legs,

the Fighting Irish may have

a bigger fight on
their hands than...

Get me my car.

Why take chances?

Now what do you do if reporters
start to get in to see practice?

Fine and put bayonets
on them. Keep 'em out.

Get this to all the papers.
Get that release out.

"Old Fox Abernathy
slugs newspaperman

for trying to invade
secret practice."

- When did this happen?
- Tomorrow.

But sergeant you can't do...

Now does the Fox know what to
do when they ask him a question?

Smile and wink.
- Good.

McMillen's limousine
just pulled in.

Oh, listen, those pro
football players in the army

that I had shipped
into this outfit.

Do they know what to do?

All rehearsed Sarge.
They're in the shower.

Here they come.

Yes, who? Life Magazine, what?

That's a lie; Confidential did
not get into secret practice.

No, no, I'm sorry please,

please you're embarrassing
me and yourself.

All these newspaper, no
newspaper people please.

Oh bless my soul,
it's Mr. McMillen

the chair boys, quickly.

No, never mind soldier boy.

I've got good news for you.

My conscience has
been bothering me.

I'm going to let
you off the hook.

Now here's your hundred
back plus a hundred.

Now give me the slip.

- Not interested.
- Not interested?

Take the letter to that
sporting goods company

that's making the uniforms.
- Oh don't be a chump.

Dear sirs, what do you mean

you can't make the
uniforms big enough.

Why, that size 78
sweater wasn't big enough

to get over the Ox's head.

$400 and that's final, I'm gone.

Goodbye.

Now, when I ask for
cast-iron tackling dummies...

What's wrong fellows?

The Fox said we weren't
big enough to make the team,

just look at us and
he said we're too little.

Don't take it, look
fellows maybe next year,

build yourself up,
drink a lot of milk.

Now that's something
I hate to see,

big men crying.

Well, back to work. Where was I?

Bilko, Bilko, I'll go
as high as $500.

$500?

You'll go as high as $4,000.
- $4,000?

Yes, and you'll eat
every piece of this paper?

Eat that paper? Why you crumb.

Write this down make,
make it $5,000, he said crumb.

I'll give you a lot more
words free if you think

all that newspaper talk
is going to scare me,

you don't know Big Ed McMillen.

You just blew $600
because I ain't coming back.

Wait, red tie, I
don't like red on you.

I don't like it.

- Let's get out of here.
- Sarge, 600 bucks.

He hasn't even
reached the first plateau.

The iron curtain around
the powerhouse Schmill team

Indicates one of the biggest
upsets in football history.

And I just don't understand
that all of a sudden

you got high blood pressure,

well I would have
bet a 1,000 to 1.

Get out of here!

I know what's bothering me.

All I've been doing
is worrying about that

Schmill-Notre Dame game.

Schmill can't win. Can they?

- Boss, maybe you better settle.
- No.

His last offer was
only 5 grand boss.

I know.

And eating a piece
of paper won't kill you.

No, I crawl for nobody.

But boss, 100Gs would sink us.

That big fast Schmill team...

That big fast Schmill team,
that's all we're thinking about.

We're forgetting that they're
playing those school kids.

Notre Dame the biggest
team in the country.

Give me the Belmont results.

Here we are in the South Bend,
Indiana to get the Notre Dame

Coach's point of view on
Saturday's big game with Schmill.

Coach what do you think?
- Listen to this?

We know we've got
a fight on our hands

to the many friends
of Notre dame,

I'd just like to say,
"You can't win them all."

Get me my car.

So I will go to see
him, but get this,

I'll give it to him
straight, no crawling.

I'll show him.

Oh I almost forgot
he doesn't like red.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please, please, please.

Gentlemen please,
the old Fox left word,

nobody gets into
secret practice.

Stand back for the players.

Wait a minute, I
know him Jubelski,

he played on the Chicago Bears
before he went into the army.

And that's O’Brien
of the Packers.

I took his picture once.

Now, what are
you trying to pull?

These guys are pros.

All right gentlemen.

The cat's out of the
bag so now you know.

But let me explain
what happened,

the old Fox couldn't get
college boys big enough

to scrimmage with
the Schmill team.

We had to settle for
pro football players.

The humane society insisted.

Practicing with
pros, what a team.

Where's the coach.

All right, he's a very busy man
but you can see the Old Fox.

Get the coach.

But please prepare
your questions now;

he's a very busy...

Here he comes.
- Coach what are you going to...

- All right, quiet!
- I'm the Old Fox.

Yes, I told them. I told them.

Now what's your question?

What about it coach, is this the
toughest team I've ever seen?

You?

How many points are
they going to beat you by?

There?

Are you going to
beat Notre Dame?

You heard the questions Old Fox.

What's your answer?

There is your answer gentlemen.

- What a story.
- Hey did you see that wink?

He must have a powerhouse.

Now gentlemen you
have all the info...

What is this?

I just tackled Swivel
Hips, never again.

- Are you all right?
- The Ox hit me.

I'm lucky I'm alive.

Keep me away
from those butchers.

College team beating
up pros, let's go!

Please don't print
that, Notre Dame ain't a

hello friends in news reel land.

Why don't you come
back and give it another...

Excuse me Sergeant Bilko.

Yes. Remember
me, I'm Ed McMillen.

Oh blue, blue.

I see you in blue.
That's very charming.

You look much better.
- He likes it, thank you.

Look Sarge, I may have said
a lot of harsh things in the past

and I...
- Oh the past, the past.

Oh you don't bear grudges, huh?
No more fights, no more anger.

Look, look, here's a
$1,000, give me back the slip.

Why don't you wear, a
Winsor knot would be better,

don't you think?

Give me a break, Bilko, $2000?

Why must you
wear the tie crooked?

$3000?

I don't know if I approve
of this coloration.

It's kind of disturbing.

$4000 and a good job
with my organization

when you hitch is up.

$10,000 or you ain't
got an organization.

- $10,000?
- $10,000 in cash.

$10,000 in cash, you've
to give me a little time.

- I'll give you a half hour.
- A half hour?

That's more time than you gave

young Justin Pierce, isn't it?
- I, I'll be right back.

Wait, don't have anything
to eat in the interim

because you'll have to
have an appetite to eat this.

- Bilko you're an...
- I'm a what?

- Write this down, I'm a what?
- I'll be right back.

- Sarge, $10,000?
- That's a $1000 apiece.

Sergeant, the dean
wants to see you.

Later, later.

He's got the faculty
heads with him.

- It's a must.
- All right, all right.

The dean, you suppose
he found out about

that phony build up he's
going to cancel the game?

He can't cancel,
it's a traditional...

I better make sure,
look, be sure the boys

when you get the $10,00,
they see him eat this paper.

They can't cancel the game.
- Schmill men, schmill men...

Oh, Dean Sagamore you may
have seen certain things in the paper.

Let me assure you...

Sergeant we, no matter
what's in the paper,

we see what's
happening on the campus.

There's a new spirit.

You've made us
realize that a university

isn't just laboratories
and classrooms.

Students for the first time
are walking around with pride,

confident that Schmill is
going to beat Notre Dame.

I wouldn't go as
far as to say...

Bilko we want you
to be the first to know,

Schmill is going to win.

Schmill is going, who says that?

The 4 finest scientific
minds in the country,

Our faculty heads.

We've been working
on this all week.

By using the Hadalian
Laws of moving objects,

our plays augmented by

Engel's Law of
Calibrated Distance

they can place all 11 of
our players in front of any

Notre Dame runner,
before he can take a step.

You see, Schmill can't lose.

Coach quick, what do you think?

Hello, get me the field
house, I've got to stop Rocco,

get me the field...

As a professor of law,
I've found 11 loopholes

in the intercollegiate
football rules

allowing us to put
14 men on the field.

- 14 men, are you sure?
- 14.

Will you get me
to, I've got to stop...

Wait, listen to our
Psychology professor.

By having our players hum

a certain laboratory
tested sound...

Hum a sound?

They can depress,
demoralize and bring on

a state of complete melancholia
among the Notre Dame players.

By humming. I've
got to stop Rocco.

- I've got to run.
- Wait, one more word, gentlemen.

- Schmill can't lose.
- Schmill can't... cancel.

I've got to run. $10,000.

Who needs $10,000 if we can get
a 100, oh excuse, Rocco, Rocco.

- $9,500.
- $9,500.

$10,000.
- $10,000.

It's all there, give
me back my slip.

Not yet, first you've got
eat this piece of paper.

- I'd be happy to.
- Rocco, Rocco, drop it!

Stop!
- Sarge, what are you doing?

- We've got the money.
- Give it to him back.

Give it to him
back? A bet is a bet.

- Please, please.
- But $10,000?

Wait a minute,
Schmill can't lose.

Schmill can't lose.

We've got 14 Notre Damians
humming depressing sound.

Science is with us.

- All 14 of you are here?
- Yeah.

- Remember the secret plays.
- Yeah.

- Now, who are you?
- I'm the Old Fox.

Oh, of course,
what's the matter?

Now, let me hear that hum.

That's it. That's the secret.

Hey, Notre Dame is on the field.

All right men, this is it.

$50,000!

Out! Out! Out,
towards the bank. Out!

Wait a minute,
gentlemen, in gratitude;

I want you to meet the
gentlemen who are responsible

for the scientific plays.

Let's show them
what we think of them.

Excuse me, who are these boys?

Who are these?

This is the Schmill team
who you said, couldn't lose.

Can't lose?

Why these boys
haven't the chance.

Well, our play was
centered around

men like Ox Lauradale 235 lbs.

The 7 Rocks of Gibraltar.

Just as it said in the
papers and on the radio.

- But that was publicity.
- They're just boys.

Well, they haven't got a chance.

Well, just a minute.

Can't science do
anything for them?

Yes after the game.

There have been great
advances in First Aid.

For he is a jolly good fellow,

which nobody can deny!

Coach, you finally did it
for the first time in history

you gave Notre Dame under
100 points, 99 to nothing.

Yaay! To the bonfire.

Yeah. Well, Big Ed you won.

Yeah. I won but look at me.

- Thanks Bilko.
- Thanks for what?

Thanks for showing me that
I was in the wrong business.

I'm going to buy a
piece of a Laundromat

with my brother-in-law.

Good move. Good move.

Oh wait, here.

- Here's your betting slip back.
- Thanks.

- Here's Justin's IOU.
- Thanks.

Hey, give me that slip

with those names
on it that I called you,

I want to eat it.

Oh here but you
don't have to eat it.

I want to.

Wait a minute,
let me look at that.

Did you really call me
a punk, tin horn soldier,

army slob, goldbricker?

Well, be my guest.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

MacLean Savage as the Old Fox,

George Mclver as Corky,

And Bern Hoffman as Little Louie