The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 2 - It's for the Birds - full transcript

Bilko discovers one of his platoon is an expert on birds. He signs Pvt. Honnegan up for 'The $64,000 Question' TV show. Honnegan is a smash hit on his specialized subject of birds, until he is struck by an unexpected case of amnesia.

And now for the
last part for $64,000

quote in its entirety
the poem that begins

"Much have I travelled
in the realms of gold."

Much have I travelled
in the realms of gold.

Realms of gold.

And many goodly states
and kingdoms seen;

Sarge will you sign my
furlough papers here?

Not now get out, get out.

Why don't you
reveal it I will hold.

What's the matter with him?
- He's stuck!

Come on get it, it
is for 64 big ones.



He stared at the
Pacific-and all his men

Looked at each other
with... With what?

With a wild surmise -

Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

That is correct.

Yeah!

The sailor won $64,000.

- $64,000.
- So what, so what?

The sailor won. The marine won.

What's wrong with the Army?

What are we a bunch of dopes?

Do you realize if one of you
guys was an expert on anything

we could share it?

$64,000 would be $5,000 a piece.



Hey, I bet if I wrote in an Army
contestant they'd grab it up...

Remember, if you wish to
appear on the $64,000 Question,

send us a letter and a picture.

Do not telephone.

Do not telephone.
Do not telephone.

Yes, thank you. You'll
be hearing from us.

- Goodbye, thank you.
- What did he say?

Just what he said
on the program.

You've gotta write a letter

with the contestant's
picture in it.

Yeah but we knew that.

Yeah, but I got him thinking
about an Army contestant.

The thing is we get there
with a contestant first.

We got to find a guy in the post

that knows everything
about something.

- On this post?
- Why not.

The Marine Captain
who won about cooking

he wasn't even a mess sergeant.

Hey we've got a mess sergeant.

Hey, there he is.

The Picasso of
the pots and pans.

Oh that is lovely, smells
like ragù alla dutch.

It does, it's cheap
beef on toast.

He's an expert he knows.

- What do you want Bilko?
- What I tell you.

I was thinking of giving my
boys a little surprise party

and Bastille Day is coming up,

I thought something
in the French style.

You name it, I'll cook it.

- 2 bucks a heads.
- All right.

What would you do if we wanted

bouillabaisse ala Marseille.

- What would I do?
- Yes.

I'll do what I always do.

Open a can and pour it out.

Never mind, he won't do it.

How about spaghetti
and meatballs,

a buck a head.
- Forget it, he is no good.

What is that?

That's Mr. Copachini
the shoemaker.

His shop is right next door.

An Italian shoemaker,
they always win.

- Hey Tony.
- Ah you've come for your shoes.

Bilko, when did you leave them?

No we didn't come for the shoes.

We heard you singing
outside, beautiful!

You know all about
Italian opera, huh.

I know all Italian music.

La donna è mobile e libiamo.

La, la, la.

That's good, that's Verdi eh?

- I beg your pardon.
- I said that was Giuseppe Verdi.

Verdi Verdi, when
did he leave them?

Hey Sarge, when you
pass by the chapel,

take these to the Chaplin.

Please, I'm busy
Tony I... wait a minute!

Wasn't there a woman
on $64,000 Question

who was an expert on the
bible? She won a bundle.

Yeah, but who we
got that knows...

He he, yeah I'll be glad to
take this by to the Chaplin, Tony.

- Arrivederci.
- Grazie signor.

Come in.

- Hey Chaplin.
- Hello there Bilko.

Tony wanted me to
drop these shoes off.

Thanks, Ernest.

You know Chaplin, last night
a question about the bible

came up in our barracks.

In your barracks?

Oh yes sir, really there's been

a big revival
amongst the boys sir.

Glad to hear it.

But you see, Sir Doberman
asked a very important question

and nobody could
answer it at the time.

Doberman wanted to know,
what was David's father's name?

David's father's
name it was Jesse.

Correct! You are absolutely...

Yes that's right.

But there was one question
that really stumped us.

It was in the first
Psalm of David

in the third verse
that ends with:

"and whatsoever he
doeth shall prosper."

What we wanted to know was,
what was the line before that?

His leaf also shall not wither

and whatsoever he
doeth shall prosper.

That's absolutely correct.

You know Chaplin, I
have a wonderful idea.

- Bilko.
- Yes sir.

I am not going on
that quiz program.

No? Of course not.

What would a Chaplin do in a...

How does he know everything?

We are down to looking for
a genius in our own platoon.

You never can tell,
we may find one expert.

Hey Sarge, here Kadowski.

Expert Cleaning.

Jerk that's the last
place he worked.

What's the matter with you?

Will you keep that
bird quiet out there.

Scat, scat, shoo, shoo.

- Let me find his record.
- Hey, here's Paperelli.

When he was in high
school he belonged

to the Nature's Study Club.

Sarge I think that's a category.

Here, natures wonders, look.

You never can tell.

Paparelli, on the double here.

Give me the book so that
I can ask some questions.

You called me Sarge?

Hey Dinno, we were just
looking through your records.

We didn't know you belonged
to a Nature's Study Club

when you were in high school.

- Oh that.
- Oh that.

Like it was nothing.

You know those
Nature Study Clubs,

the boys and girls
take trip into the woods.

Yeah.

Figured I could learn something.

What did you learn?

Nothing, there was
always a teacher around.

- Dismissed.
- But Sarge.

Eh! Get out of here.

Will you keep that
bird quiet out there?

Shut up.

Sarge will you sign
my furlough papers?

Furlough papers, no I'm busy.

Will you leave me
alone with your...

- But Sarge.
- Will you shut up that robin?

That's no robin Sarge.

Who cares what it
is. Scat, shoo shoo.

That's a black-throated
blue warbler.

Latin name: Denroica
coerulescens.

Breeds in deciduous
and mixed woodlands

from Northern Minnesota
through the plain states.

- This is it.
- Yeah.

Give me the bird book, yeah.

See this bird.
Look at that bird.

- Now identify the bird.
- That book.

Grab that man he is a
deserter, bring him back here.

What did he do Sarge?

Take your hands
off that scientist,

we were playing
Sheep Run Sheep, out!

Sit down. Sit down.

That book, that
book, get it out of here.

Forget it, he book is
on the floor, forget it.

What's with the book,
what's the matter with it?

- Did you read this book?
- Read it?

Sarge I spent 18 months
doing nothing but reading it.

Really, then there must
be 64,000 birds in that book.

8,622

- Is that wonderful?
- Wonderful.

Ah did all this come about?

It is a terrible story.

You see before I came
here I spent 23 months

on the US Army
Arctic expedition.

You were on operation
"Deep Freeze"?

I was advance to an
advanced weather hut

way up near the Pole and I
got snowed in all by myself.

That's rough.

Well it wouldn't
have been too bad

expect there was
nothing to read.

There was only one
book in the hut left there

by the expedition's
ornithologist.

This is the book here?

Sarge that book -
Hang on hang on.

Take it easy.

For 18 months under the
snow, just me and that book.

I read every page, every word.

Over and over and
over, 18 months.

I know every picture, every
thumbprint, every grease spot.

Sarge I never
want to see it again.

Well you don't have
to read the book,

all the birds are in your head.

In my head, that's the trouble.

Everybody thinks I
am dumb, I'm not dumb.

I got a brain, it's
just full of birds.

Birds birds birds.

- I gotta forget about 'em.
- Forget about 'em?

That's why I gotta get
away on my furlough.

Oh the furlough. Get
away on what furlough?

Just like that get
away on a furlough?

You are soldier pal, you just
can't leave when you want.

You're not a commuter.

But Sarge it's my
turn to go on furlough.

Oh trying to pull
something on the old Sarge.

You know this is Fender's
turn to go on a furlough.

But Corporal Fender
passed up his furlough,

just like he always does.

Sure let's all take advantage
of Corporal Fender.

It doesn't matter to you that
he's got a wife and 6 children

and his wife's mother
all in one room apartment

waiting for daddy to
come home on his furlough.

But Sarge my family is
just about big as Fender's.

All right, I'll try to talk to
Fender, I'll see what I can do.

You stand by and
I'll let you know.

Don't go too far so that I
can get in touch with you.

Oh thanks.

Fender, on the double
here, hey Fender.

Fix that paper,
Fender's signing it.

- Hey Sarge - Hello Fender.

- Kadowski pulled a niffle.
- Get this, Kadowski

- Get this - What,
what did he do?

What, what tell me Kadowski.

- He is Polish you know.
- He is Polish

- He said that...
- Kadowski, Sam!

- Yeah.
- Comes a time when every soldier

has to do something
beyond the call of duty.

What is it?

Sam I'm going to
give it to you straight.

You've gotta go
home on furlough.

- You're kidding.
- I'm not kidding Sam.

Oh no, ask me anything
else... my right arm take it.

You don't know what it is like.

A wife, a mother in law, 6
space cadets, all in one room.

Sarge, you've gotta help me.

- No Sarge.
- Look look, calm down.

Is it worth going home
on furlough for $5,000?

How many days?

- 3 days.
- No.

Come here.

Listen to me, this is important.

Honegger is a cinch to
win the $64,000 Question.

Now he goes home on
furlough, there goes our $64,000.

- Please Sarge anything.
- Listen to me, sign the paper.

- Honegger look alive.
- What did he say Sarge?

I'm sorry, I tried
to talk him out of it.

Just didn't work. Go Fender.

Go home happy warrior
to the bosom of your family.

Go home father,
son in law, and dad.

See that lucky guy going
home to see his folks.

I want to talk to you man.

Listen, those
birds in your head,

there must be some
way of getting rid of them.

- Oh it's no use Sarge.
- Why didn't I think of it?

The $64,000 Question.

What an idea!

The quiz program.

Yes those quiz pros
they're very tense,

they shoot questions on you.

First thing you know the
birds will fly out of your head,

out of your mouth
and into the air.

Right out through my mouth?

Into the living rooms.

Get his picture taken.

Go with him and have
your picture taken.

Rocco, put a pipe in his mouth,

make him look
intelligent on the double.

- Take it down.
- Right Sarge.

Dear $64,000 Question,

for 18 months under
the midnight sun

I, Corporal Ed
Honegger was stuck.

Thank you.

Now for $64, identify the bird
on the United States emblem.

That's a bald eagle.

That's correct.

Haliaetus leucocephaius,
wing spread 6 to 7.5 feet,

white head, white tail...
- That's all we need.

Range near oceans, rivers
and lakes, Gulf of Mexico,

North as far as
ice-free water permits.

- Thank you.
- That was on page 722.

There was an egg spot
on the left-hand corner.

May I have a booth please.

Oh by the way I
hope you can make

the questions
a little tougher...

- Can you hear me in there Ed?
- Yeah.

May I have the question please.

Thank you.

I will read the question once

and you will have 30
seconds to think it over.

For $32,000, the
question is in 3 parts.

1. Identify this bill.

2. The Connecticut Warbler
and the Kentucky Warbler

are identical in every
way except for one detail.

What is that detail?

3. This is a tail feather of a
bird just flown in from Siberia.

Identify it and give it's call.

You have 30 seconds
to think it over.

Your 30 seconds
are up, are you ready?

Now first part,
identify the bill.

This is seed-cracking bill
of a Patagonian Wood Finch.

That is correct.

Now part 2, the Kentucky Warbler
and the Connecticut Warbler

are identical in every
way except for one detail.

- What is that detail?
- During the mating season

the Kentucky Warbler
stands on one leg.

That is correct.

Now part 3,
identify the feather.

Ah, oh let's see what
page was that on?

Oh yeah the one with
the mustard smear.

This is a tail feather of a
Rufous-crested Latwing,

Venelus Europa.

Its song, a hallow 3
syllable oo loo woo

usually appears 3 times
ending on a high woo.

That is correct.

Honegger, you and your
buddies have won $32,000.

Now during the next week
we want you to decide whether

you will go for $64,000.

You are allowed an
expert in the booth with you.

Oh, by the way, along with the
books we gave you last week,

we forgot to include this one:

Walder's Complete
Study of Birds.

That book, no!

Here is another bag of mails.

Every dogface in the
Army must have written.

Go for the $64,000.
Go for the $64,000.

Later, get the door.

Sergeant, the phone hasn't
stopped ringing since you left.

Telegrams they never stop Sarge.

Just the beginning boys,

I've been out all
afternoon making deals.

The minute he answers
that $64,000 question,

this goes on the market.

Honegger's do it
yourself bird cage.

Honegger's Bird Bath.

Honegger's Bird Seed.

They are even printing
a special newspaper

with his picture on it for
the bottom of bird cage.

They are going all the way

Hey, communications, are you
in touch with our golden goose?

Dillingham and Kadowski got
him out sightseeing in the jeep.

- Get him in here right away.
- Headquarters to jeep.

Keep in touch with him,
you know what happened

when he ran out that studio.

We chased him all
through Time Square.

Hey, this came from
a sponsors Sarge.

- This came, what is it?
- I don't know.

Walder's Complete
Study of Birds.

Get this out of here, he
sees this we are through,

get it away hide it.

Hey Sarge, this excitement
is murder, ain't it?

- Sure it is.
- Is he gonna go for the $64,000?

Is he really gonna go?

Did Rockefeller stop
at his first oil well?

There he is.

Not now fellows,
you'll all have a chance

for his life story,
we'll give you...

There he is.

How are you baby, how
does it feel to be famous?

What's the difference,
the birds are still in here.

Sarge I want to go home.

Go home, come here a
minute. You want to go home?

You see these
thousands of letters

that have been coming
in from your buddies,

guys who believe in you.

Guys who have joined bird
watching clubs, bird call clubs.

They're even peaking in
nests all over the country.

These are your buddies,
are you gonna let 'em down?

No.

Go in there and
get a little rest

and be in time for
this question tonight.

- You're all right?
- Okay

Keep an eye on him Kadowski.

Say, anybody seen a box of
cookies my mother brought me?

Yeah, they are in the bottom
drawer in the dresser in there.

- Oh thank you.
- Get a nice nap so you will...

Hey you are starting with the
little googly boogilies again.

How come you know
where the cookies are?

Because I hid the
book under them.

All right... he'll go
looking for the cookies

he'll find the book.

- Aha.
- It's too late.

Get him.

- Hey Sarge -
Bandages, bandages.

Honegger are you all right?

- I'm okay. I'm okay.
- You're all right?

- Yeah, I'm okay.
- He is okay.

Yeah never felt
better in my life.

He never felt
better in his life.

- Sarge.
- What?

The birds are gone.

The birds are gone - what?

Just like you said all the
birds have gone out of my head.

I don't remember
a thing about birds.

Quiet, what's the
excitement relax.

Things are done here. Give
me that cage, right away.

- What is this?
- I don't know.

Come on, it's a bird.
What kind of a bird?

Is it a chicken! A chicken!

Sarge, Sarge, what
are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do? Face it.

The birds flew out of his
head and back to Capistrano.

Don't remember anything,
go on and lie down

start packing and we'll go home.

Pack? But Sarge
what about the contest?

What about it?

We make is simple and
we stop at the $32,000.

That's $2,500 a piece;
it's nothing to sneeze at.

What? What? What?

Well, Sarge it's not the $2,500.

Well what is it?

Well a marine went
for the $64,000,

and a sailor went
for the $64,000.

How is it going to look if
the Army quits at $32,000?

It's like we surrendered.

At least we can give
it the old Army try.

The old Army try! What
are we West Pointers?

What about all the guys who
sent letters, all the servicemen.

Go go go, we are
all rooting for you.

Make me proud to be in
the same Army with you.

We are rooting for you buddy,

what what he
hasn't got a chance.

But Sarge you could
take an expert in with him.

What expert? Who
knows as much about it

as he does and
his mind is a blank.

But we can try out
something you can figure out.

Forget it, it's all over.

I don't know what happened
he went in there for some cookies

and a book fell on him.

It's such confusion here,
he came out with a swelling

and nobody really knows...

What's up Sarge?

Quiet, the wheels
are beginning to turn.

Suppose I went in
the booth with him.

You can all give me the
answers right through this, right?

Us? How would we know?

Of course you'd know, you'd
have all the information right here.

- Where is the genius Palmer.
- Yeah.

Can you hook up a walkie-talkie,

can you reach me through
that booth through this.

Yeah, you can have a small
battery pack in your pocket.

- Simple, Gomez on the double.
- Yes sir.

Get over to the national museum.

You understand, tell em
the Army has requisitioned

every stuffed bird in
there everything they got.

Dillingham, go to
the public library

anything you can find.

Well Corporal Honegger,
you've had a week to decide.

Will you take the
$32,000 you've won

or do you want
to go for $64,000?

I can't let my buddies
down, I'll go for $64,000.

Now remember you are allowed
an expert in the booth with you.

Do you have an expert?

Yes sir, my Sgt. Ernest Bilko.

- Welcome Sgt. Bilko.
- How do you do sir?

Oh I'm sorry you seem to
have been hurt or wounded,

what happened?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Well we understand.

May I have the booth please.

- Booth.
- Hello? Hello?

Hello, we hear you great Ernie.

Look at him.

Quiet, he is heading
for the booth.

All right you guys on your toes.

The minute you
hear the questions

dig out those answers.

Techman, check the birds.

Palmer, we got enough
power to carry him in the booth.

Yeah, but unplug that
lamp or we'll overload.

- Hench?
- Ready.

Look he is the booth.

Here we go, headquarters
to Bilko, headquarters to Bilko.

You look great Ernie,
can you hear me?

I will read the question once

and you will have 30
seconds to think it over.

And now for $64,000,
may I have the question

in a sealed package please.

This bird is rare
visitor from the north.

We want you to
tell us 1. It's name.

2. Its breeding grounds.

3. Its closest similar species.

4. Its average weight and

5. Two great ornithologists
have described the voice.

Give these descriptions
and the names of the men.

You have 30 seconds
to think it over,

be free to consult
with each other.

Let go, there it is there it is.

- It looks like an owl.
- Look like an owl.

Have him hold it
up a little higher.

I can't see it.

Sarge hold it
up a little higher.

I got something like it
here. I can't see the tail.

Ernie, Ernie turn it around.

- I think I got it.
- What?

Has it got red ears?

Ernie has it got red ears?

Yellow? Green?

Me? You.

Sounds like, sounds like you.

Blue, an owl with blue ears.

I think I got it,
I think I got it.

- Ernie, is this it?
- Jerk he can't see.

What are you doing?
You only got 5 seconds.

Think! Think! Come
on look, let's go.

Your 30 seconds are over.

Now for the first
part of the question.

1. Give its name.

I got it, I got it. It's
Richardson's Owl.

Ernie we got it.

- Richardson's Owl.
- That is correct!

Now part 2 it's breeding ground.

North Canada, South to
Manitoba and Nova Scotia.

North Canada, South to
Manitoba and Nova Scotia.

That is correct!

Part 3, its closest
similar species.

Right here a common Saw-Whet
owl which is a much smaller bird.

The common Saw-Whet owl
which is a much smaller bird.

A common Saw-Whet owl
which is a much smaller bird.

That is correct!

Now part 4, its average weight.

3 pound 6 ounces.

3 pound 6 ounces.

That is correct!

And now for the last
part of the question,

if you answer this
you win $64,000.

The question is in 2 parts.

2 great ornithologists
have described the voice,

give these descriptions
and the names of the men.

Bird calls, bird calls.

I got one, song like a
soft high-pitched bell.

Sir Atner Bent.

Sir who?

Sir Atner Bent.

Song like a soft
high-pitched bell.

Sir Atner Bent.
- That is correct.

And now who is the other one?

- I need more lights.
- Well plug in away.

No, we are carrying too
much current already.

- Cleaning.
- Later, later please.

I'm sorry, I got to vacuum.

I got it I got it.

William Seton. Ting ting ting.

Sarge we got it. We got it.

- No!
- It's Sir William...

Sergeant Bilko, Sergeant Bilko.

Will somebody please help him!
Will somebody please help him!

I am all right. Hello? Hello?

Who's got a fuse?

Hello, Ed!

What happened? Ed!

Are you all right Honegger?

- Oh I feel terrible.
- Can we come back next week?

Oh I feel miserable.
All the birds are back.

They are, we'll go right on
with the questions please.

We are all right.
- I don't know what to do;

we've never had a
situation like this before.

Right on with the
questions please.

Yes you have answered
all the questions so far.

What questions, I don't
remember answering any questions.

Yes, you did all
about this bird.

Oh you mean this
Richardson's Owl?

- Correct.
- Breeding grounds North Canada,

South to Manitoba
and Nova Scotia.

It's closest similar species
is the common Saw-Whet owl

which is a much smaller bird.

Average weight 3 pound 6 ounces.

Correct.

It's call is like a soft
high-pitched bell,

Sir Atner Bent. Right.

Ting ting ting, Sir
William Seaton.

That that is correct!

You have won $64,000.

Boy, well Ed would
you mind telling us

what you are going
to do with the $64,000?

Well we sort of
figured on dividing it

among all of us in the platoon.

He is all heart
display, all heart.

Oh no Sarge it is you
who have the heart,

thinking about all those
guys who wrote in those letters

who've started their
bird watchers clubs,

bird study groups
and building houses

for their feathered friends.
- Now isn't that wonderful?

Well that's the way I am,
what are you going to do?

Yes Sarge, to make you happy

I'm going turn this $64,000
over to a special fund...

No, no.

To buy binoculars, bird
books and anything else

that is needed for
our armed forces...

You are not trying anything,
you are not trying anything.

You don't have to say
this. Don't say anything

Now how about that folks?

- No.
- Sergeant Bilko.

No, don't say anything.

Sergeant Bilko that's probably

the finest thing
we've ever seen.

What have you to say?

It's for the birds.

Also seen in
tonight's cast were:

Fred Gwynne as Private Honegger,

Jean Peterson was the
Master of Ceremonies,

and Lynn Dollar played herself.