The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Blue Blood of the Bilko's - full transcript

Well, Biff, the Wingates have
had many captains of industry

marrying into the family,
but this is the first time

we've ever had the captain
of Princeton football team.

Thank you.

By the way Biff, we know
very little about your family.

Well, it's just that my
father the Commodore

is a little touchy
about social rank.

Well, we're one of the
first families, you know.

Well, just what is your
family background?

Well...
- Don't be modest dear!

I told you Biff's father
C.J. Bentonhurst



is one of the biggest men in
Kansas, isn't that right dear?

Well, I've always
considered him.

Well, I don't remember seeing
the name C.J. Bentonhurst

in the social register.

Oh I told you, his
father hates publicity.

He's business you know.

Well, just what
does your father do?

- Well.
- He's in munitions, isn't he Biff?

Well, sort of.

Yes I would say
that he's in munitions.

Good, good. C.J.
Bentonhurst, munitions.

Okay once more Sgt. Bentonhurst.

Hit it C.J.

Okay Nelson, come
on in. That's it for today.



We are knocking off a
little early, aren't we Sarge.

Yeah, we've still got 2
demolitions tests to run.

I've got a little
celebration to do boys.

I've got a letter. My son
Biff is getting married.

- No kidding!
- Congratulations.

Who's the lucky girl?

Here's her picture from
the Philadelphia paper.

Penny Wingate, wow!
She's some looker, huh?

Mr. and Mrs. Houghton G. Wingate

announce the engagement
of their daughter Penny

to Clifton Biff Bentonhurst,

captain of the
Princeton football team.

Well, I guess you'll be
leaving the Army now,

ay Sarge and getting a
plushy job with those Wingates.

Ah cut it out! Biff's
marrying her not me.

Besides the Army is
the only thing I know.

Hey, here's Bilko.
How about a lift?

All right, hop in.

Ten cents.

Get it in there. Give me change.

Get in there, in there.

No, no, no.

No charge for fellow Sergeants.

Wait for Nelson; it will
cost him an extra dime.

When you idle a
motor, it costs an extra...

What's that big
smile on your kisser?

You act like you just got
the Colonel with the last blast.

Just got a letter
from my son Biff.

Don't mention
that ingrate to me.

- Oh Ernie.
- Of all the ungrateful guys,

when he was a kid on the
post who took care of him?

Took him to the movies,
showed him how to gin rummy.

Ernie, can't you forget that?

Oh I'll never forget
it as long as I live.

After all I did for
one little favor,

I asked him to throw the
Yale game, would he do it?

No! I made a lot of bets

and then it went
right down the drain.

Ernie, look at that.

Look, I know he's your kid but
he's got a mean streak in him.

Little fumble on
the one yard line...

Here Ernie, look at this.

Don't tell me about
ungrateful people.

When the guy shows
this... Penny Wingate?

Biff is marrying into one of the

wealthiest families in America?

Our son is getting
married. Come on let's go!

- Go where?
- We've got to get

ready for the wedding.

I've got to have Fender
make me up a full dress suit.

But wait Ernie. I don't
even know the Wingates.

I can't take you, a
stranger out to their house.

Oh Ernie what's the matter?

A stranger? You
call me a stranger?

You mean Uncle Ernie can't
go to little Biff's wedding?

You don't want Uncle Ernie to
mingle with those millionaires.

I finally got a chance to put up

one of my millionaire
dollar ideas

to someone who's
got a million dollars.

But Ernie, I don't know them.

I know the Wingates
pretty good, steel,

oil, farm machinery,
railroads, Connecticut.

They don't live in Connecticut.
They live in Philadelphia.

I didn't say they
live in Connecticut.

They own Connecticut. Let's go.

His father, a Sergeant?

Get her some water.

A Sergeant in our family?
What will my Garden Club say?

And you almost kept it
from us, thank heaven

I had the good sense to
have your family investigated.

Oh what will the Commodore say?

But now mother what
difference does it make?

What difference does it make?

A Sergeant, our family had
been in Philadelphia 100 years

before the Kelly's and their
daughter Grace married a prince,

and now my daughter is
marrying the son of a Sergeant.

We'll be laughed
out of the hills.

Oh no, what will
the Commodore say?

- The Commodore.

- Quiet!
- The Commodore.

Oh now don't get
excited or nervous, father

What is it father?

Take Kelly, the
Kelly's off the guest list.

The Kelly's?

But father, I just found out
their daughter was an actress.

Oh we'll never live this down.

What's the matter with her?

Oh Una.

Grandfather this
is Biff Bentonhurst,

the man I'm going to marry.

How do you do Sir?

A fine, fine looking
young man, fine.

Good stuff, good stuff.

Hey father, we have
something to tell you.

Yes, I like his eyes.

It reminds of President
McKinley when he was a boy.

Now father I... well,

here is a report on
his background, read it.

Yeah.

What is this word?

"Sergeant."

Father! Get him some water.

A Sarge, ah a
Sergeant in the family.

What will the Commodore say?

But you're the Commodore.

I'm the Commodore.

- Look father...
- You knew this was going on?

- But father now...
- Houghton, go to your room.

Oh now father, don't
get excited father.

Oh a Sergeant in the family.

This is a fine mess.

Oh father Biff wanted to
tell you about it, but it was I...

Oh quiet! The invitations
have been sent out.

Well, we will just have
to make the best of it.

Oh thank you daddy.

I know when you meet his
father at the wedding you'll...

At the wedding? Well,
that's out of the question.

He must not be seen
there, do you understand?

Now wait a minute...

My cousin is a general and
he barely made the guest list.

But my own father?

Oh it's impossible, a Sergeant
at a Wingate wedding?

At my wedding, the
caterer was a Major.

Well, if that's the
way it going to be...

No, I won't hear of it!

Please father, mother
let me talk to him.

No, no, no I'll talk to him.

Now Penny, I'm
adamant about this.

- Now, Biff...
- No.

Look Biff, we've
gotta be reasonable.

No.

- Well?
- It's all right Fender,
but is it me?

- Is it me?
- It's you! It's you!

- Paparelli is it him?
- It's him! It's him.

No, you don't understand.

I'm going to be
mingling with millionaires.

I want to walk in and exude
a certain quiet elegance.

I've got it; give me
piping on the lapel

that will make me stand out.

- Give him piping.
- Give him piping.

You know when I walk
into the main ballroom I say,

how do you do Mr. Rockefeller.

I knew your dad. Fender,
sleeve, more sleeve!

Look, I'm shaking
hands with Rockefeller;

I don't want to
show him my tattoo.

- Give him more sleeves.
- Give him more sleeves.

Then later in the
library, we must go there,

oh yes Mr. Vanderbilt
that was a crackerjack.

I must remember to
tell that to Barney Baruch

next time I'm in the park.

Oh good one, good one.

Oh by the way Alf, I have
a proposition, no pockets?

How am I going to get
the partnership papers

and the stock issues out?

- Give him pockets.
- Give him pockets.

I need pockets for the
notary public stamp.

I need the Western Union
blanks, pencils, papers.

Oh Bilko!

I agreed to make
your suit, not an office.

Come on Fender, this
is my big opportunity.

Don't you understand
with my ideas...

- Hey Ernie.
- Hey C.J. Get him a suit.

- Get the suit.
- Try this on.

Oh you're going to look great.

Ernie, I'm going to look foolish
in one of these monkey suits.

Oh you're going to look elegant
walking down that center aisle.

Those Wingates
are going to be proud

to have a real Army
man in the family.

Hey C.J. it's for
you, Philadelphia.

Philadelphia. It must be Biff.

Penny, I can't.

I can't tell my own father
he can't come to my wedding.

Oh please Biff.

After the wedding we can
have a nice long visit with him.

Okay. Hello, pop?

Yeah Biff. Look, pop...

Uh huh. Yeah Biff, oh sure kid.

Sure, sure I understand.

Don't think, don't
think anything about it.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure Biff.

And Biff, all the
happiness in the world kid.

Goodbye son.

You understand pockets.
Not slits. Pockets! Pockets!

Here Fender, I won't need this.

Wait a minute, what's that?

You won't need?

I get it, isn't that wonderful,

the Wingates want him to
come, as he is, a Sergeant.

Didn't I tell you once,
the bigger they are,

the nicer they are.

Ernie, we ain't
going to the wedding.

What do you mean we
ain't going to the wedding,

Biff is getting married we're
not going to the wedding?

Oh what's the difference?

A long trip just for one
day and I'll feel out of place.

Just a minute, Biff don't
want you at the wedding.

Well, it's not Biff exactly.

It's just well, well, it's
some misunderstanding.

They're a pretty
high class family.

We're a broken down
regular Army Sergeant.

Hold up, what do you mean
broken-down Sergeant?

Now look here Ernie,
if it's all right with Biff,

it's all right with me.
Now, just a minute!

It may be all right with you,
it may be all right with biff

and it may be all right
with the Wingates.

But it's not all right with me.

- Now Ernie, don't start.
- Now quiet!

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this every
red-blooded American soldier

who has the right to
mingle with millionaires.

Fender, get this
suit and pack it.

Wait a minute, how
about the alterations?

Put in a needle and thread,
Mrs. Wingate will fix it.

And for the buffet
after the ceremony,

there will be pheasant in
aspic, lobster ala cote azur.

Oh anything, anything at all.
Serve anything you like Wesley.

Very well, thank you
ma'am. Thank you.

No, no, no Hattie,
that won't do at all.

I want exactly the same hemline

that the Duchess wore
on Person to Person.

Now let me see about
the music about at the...

Oh there you are Lawrence.

The orchestra is
all set Mrs. Wingate.

Oh good.

I had picked out a
program mostly Mozart,

we're going to kick off with...

Oh Mozart that
will be splendid...

What Bradley? A
Sgt. Bilko to see you.

A Sergeant? Now really Robin?

Sgt. Bilko Army Intelligence.

- Army Intelligence.
- Now who are these people?

Well, they're all my servants.

Never mind, I want
them all fingerprinted.

Fingerprinted?

All right men
search the grounds.

These doors will
have to be bolted.

- Bolted?
- Well, there must be some mistake.

Mistake, you're the
mother of the young lady

who's marrying the young
man whose father is in the Army?

- Yes.
- Is the father's name?

Is this the father's name?

Yes, C.J...

Don't, please just nod your
head, don't mention names.

Is this the name? Just
nod, then there's no mistake.

Thank you.

I want those trees removed.

It's too easy for a sniper
to take a pot shot at him.

Him? Him?

I asked you not to mention...
now is this the name?

- Yes, Sergeant...
- Shh!

- No names, chew on that.
- Oh really?

Here's what I want, I
need accommodations

for the secret service
man when they get here.

They get here a day
before the wedding.

The guests will
have to be searched.

Guests searched?

Yes, I'll leave the minister at
the discretion for that to you.

Now I want no incidents, do
you understand Mrs. Wingate?

No incidence at all.

We have this, oh
yes I know he's there.

Don't be alarmed, I know it all.

I know who's behind me. I know.

Who are you? Hands up!

- Who are you?
- I'm the caterer.

All right, do you know the
wedding cake will be X-rayed

and you ought to taste
anything before he eats it?

He?

He, yes he and that's
all we refer to him as he.

Now about the
wedding procession,

the secret service
men will be bridesmaids,

do you understand that?
- Secret service men?

Please, please, now you tell
your daughter no sudden moves

like tossing the bridal bouquet.

My men are instructed to
shoot anything that moves.

Now this is ridiculous.
There must be some mistake.

He's just a Sergeant this man.

Bless you; you just keep
referring to him as that.

You mean he's more...?

No, no, no. What is he?

- Just a Sergeant?
- Good girl.

Mrs. Wingate.

Oh take a message,
call the Pentagon,

get the head of staff and give
him the following message,

"Fish on Friday, Elsie is here."

Fish on Friday...

Biff never mentioned his
father was this important...

Of course not my dear lady,

you think we tell even
the next of kin when the...

oh I see him. I
know he's behind.

Don't worry I
knew all the time...

who are you?
- I'm the orchestra man.

Hands, hands, hands!

Who are you?
- The orchestra man.

Now when he gets
here, you ought to play,

"Hail to the Chief,
you know how it goes.

But that can only be played
for the President of the...

Shh! Please, no names.

All right dismissed
on the double.

Oh yes this all well-organized.

Now this picture intrigues me.

Behind there we'll
put the machine guns,

the secret service would like...

Oh and she's here. I saw
her the minute I came on.

Who are you? Who?

- I'm the dressmaker.
- Can you vouch for her?

Oh yes, yes.

Is this the dress
you're making for her?

- Yes, yes.
- I want 5 more duplicates.

5?

5 yes, they'll be excellent
for the secret service men,

helps conceal the radar.

Oh, I had no idea his
father was this important...

Come here, come here.

- What is it?
- Why do you do this?

You are a citizen; you
want to protect the country.

- Oh yes.
- Why do you mention names?

- What is he?
- The Sergeant.

That's all. Did you
give the message?

Yes, Fish on
Friday he'll be here.

No, no, not that. What
did they say to you?

Someone told me to get
off the phone and hang up.

Girl! Girl!

I'm not interested in your bubbling,
what were the exact words?

They said, "Get off
the phone you idiot."

Idiot, the keyword,
where's the codebook.

I D I O T I'll check with them.

Would you go D to tah tah.

D, D I see it all fits.

- No good.
- What? What?

- He won't be here.
- Why not?

- But he must be here -
The staff won't allow this.

He can't come; it's
too much of a risk.

Risk?

Well, you must understand
with international code secrets,

why they can't allow the
Sergeant to come to this wedding.

But he has to come to
this wedding. No he doesn't.

We can't allow the Sergeant
to be associated with a family

that you would
say are undesirable.

Undesirable? Why?

We're one of the oldest
families in America.

Older than the Benedict Arnolds?

Well, well, I bet they are
a very nice family really.

So were the Bourges.

- I'll take that, never mind.
- Oh no.

X4-2 reporting, who?

Do we have an
operator named Una?

- I'm Una.
- Is that you?

Yes.

Mark that name down it
is foreign sounding, Una.

Hello, oh please,
please. Please now.

Oh Houghton, Houghton

we have to have the
Sergeant at the wedding.

Yes we do.

I can't promise
you that I'm sorry.

Yes, but oh Houghton, he's the
most important man that you can...

Houghton! He hang up.

Won't talk eh. We have
ways of making men talk.

Plan XT4-200

I have to leave now,
you're in complete charge,

no one is to leave this room.

- Yes Sir.
- Oh but Sergeant...

Just where do you
think you're going lady?

Robin!

Now Una, for the last time,
I've had Biff's family checked.

I don't care what song
and dance Bilko gave you.

Biff's father is just a Sergeant

and I don't want
him at the wedding.

Now, what will Commodore say?

No!

- Yes.
- There's a Sgt. Bilko to see you.

Oh good, send him in.

Sgt. Bilko Army Intelligence,
this will just take a moment.

My wife told me there's
some stupid Army cake.

You are the father of the bride.

Houghton Wingate Ill.

Wedding license, please.

Wedding license, how dare you?

You don't think we of
the General Staff will allow

the Sergeant to
attend the wedding

without a clear check, do you?

Let him attend? He's not
coming to the wedding.

That's for the General
Staff to decide, isn't it?

General Staff, why he's
just a Sergeant, isn't he?

Let's just keep it that
way, he's just a Sergeant.

Oh you mean he's a...

This is the new
Army Mr. Wingate.

While the enemy is busy watching
what they think are generals,

we of the higher echelons
are properly camouflaged.

Oh you mean, you yourself are...

Me, me? What am I?

Just a Sergeant. Sergeant.

Just a Sergeant,
let's keep it that way.

However, I don't expect
you to understand.

You have no military background.

What are you talking about?

During the war I
was a Major General.

- On who's side?
- Our side, of course.

Which side is our side?

Now quickly without thinking,
which side is our side?

On the side of
America. North or South?

What do you mean North or South?

You should know the difference
between North and South America.

Well, naturally I don't
visit South America.

Do you prefer it?

What do, what are
you even talking about?

Do you like South America
and why do you do?

Of course I do.

- Why?
- Why?

- Why do I?
- Why?

- Why yes!
- Because I...

You like the
climate here better?

You like Jai alai
instead of baseball.

What is it? What do you
prefer about South America?

I prefer North America
because I was born here.

Birth certificate, please.

I don't have to prove
anything to you.

Would you like to change
some of your answers?

No, I don't want
any more questions.

I don't blame you.

I was getting a little
warm there, wasn't I?

What are you talking about?

It was a little embarrassing
that question about

which side of the war you were

and you were a little
evasive, weren't you?

Which side? I have had enough.

- Get out of my office.
- Well, there's no reason for temper.

- I'm just trying to do my work.
- Oh I understand.

You understand
there's no hard feelings.

No, none at all.

This protects you as
much as it does us.

Well, I must be
going. Good day Sir.

Ach Tung!

Aha! Jumped up, didn't you?

For a moment you were back
in the dear old days in Berlin,

weren't you?

- Are you crazy?
- Crazy? Crazy?

Not to recognize
a Prussian officer

masquerading as an
American businessman.

Are you out of your mind?

Come clean, Herr Von Wingate.

- How did you. Get out.

Yes, how did you get out

in a submarine with
him to South America?

Oh that was the
clue, South America,

when you started
babbling I knew.

With him? Was babbling?

Oh it's so obvious,
it's all so obvious,

the close shaving
Prussian haircut,

the precise way of speaking

so you could cover the guttural
accent of your native language.

And oh they heal, the
scars you got in Heidelberg,

they healed, didn't they?

I've had enough.

I can prove that I was
in the American Army.

Can you indeed.

I've got my discharge,
commendations,

recommendations here.

Just a minute,
what will they prove?

If you did prove anything,

they would always be
that doubt, wouldn't there?

Doubt? Why?

Because the Sergeant
didn't attend the wedding.

What do you mean?

Do you know what
people will think,

the Sergeant didn't attend
his own son's wedding?

They'd say there must be
something wrong with that family,

something highly undesirable.

I never thought of that.

Well think of it,
now I must be off.

There's a lot of dirty
washing in some

Wingate closet
I've got to uncover.

Houghton, Houghton.

Well, I didn't know this
was to be a Bund meeting.

- What does he mean?
- Now wait a minute, Sergeant wait.

Get me the
Commodore at his club.

Please Bilko wait, if the
Sergeant doesn't attend

his own son's wedding,
the scandal will ruin us.

- Oh I don't know what I can do.
- Oh please.

Well, perhaps I'll do something

after all blood is
thicker than red tape.

The Commodore
has got to understand.

Hello, father?

This is, this is Houghton.

Well, I am Houghton, your son.

I was wond... your son, yes.

Now father the Sergeant
must come to the wedding.

Father? Father!
Oh no, he hang up.

I wonder what
he's trying to hide.

But we'll see, we'll see.

Well, I must be off.

Hail! Hail!

Oh you must to do
something Houghton.

We've got to do something.

The Army must make
the Sergeant come here.

Get me my cousin
Gen. Davis in Berlin,

I mean Washington.

Your move Commodore.

Commodore it's your move.

- Splendid!
- Brilliant! Brilliant!

Excuse me, oh I'm
sorry members only

and they have to be
officers you know, doorman.

Just a minute, Sgt.
Bilko Army Intelligence.

Army intelligence, is
there something wrong?

Oh I'm sorry.

This is highly confidential,
you understand.

Of course.

Do you have a member
of this organization

a certain Commodore Wingate?

Commodore Wingate?

Why, yes Sir, he
founded this club.

There he is.

For heavens man, don't
point just nod your head,

is that him over there?

Yes, are you investigating him?

Just a quiet investigation.

I expect you to treat this in
a highly confidential manner.

Of course.

This Commodore Wingate,

what does he do when
he comes to the club.

Well, he, he, he discusses
things with his friends

and he sits down
and reads his paper.

What paper?

The Wall Street
Journal, of course.

What paper is he really reading
inside the Wall Street Journal?

Inside the Wall Street Journal?

Is it the Daily Worker?

The Commodore
reading the Daily Worker?

Now in his views that he
discusses with his friends,

are they ever on
the radical side?

Commodore a
communist, are you sure?

I didn't say that now,
did I? No, you didn't.

Now tell me one more
thing, on May Day,

does he come in here
with his feet aching

like he's been marching?

Commodore matching on May Day?

You understand this
is just an investigation.

We have very little to
go on, just these pictures.

Oh yes, Red Square Moscow.

This is an interesting one,

Lenin with his arm
around the Commodore.

Oh this is one, the Commodore
introducing Tito to Molotov.

This one he must
treasure, the commodore,

a pall bearer at
Stalin's funeral.

Of course this is
very flimsy evidence

but it's all we got to go on.

The Commodore, a communist?

Are you sure?

Now I didn't say anything,
I'm just new on this case.

All I know is the Army
considers him such a bad risk.

They won't allow the Sergeant
to come to the wedding.

The Sergeant?

Now this is highly confidential,
you understand that?

Of course. Of course.

- What is your name?
- Andrews.

First name Adolf.

Ah Adolf, huh?

Oh dear.

Your move Commodore or are you

waiting instructions
from Moscow?

Who?

What's the matter with him?

I'll play with you Commodore.

Now which side do you want?

- Black or red?
- Red.

What's going on here?

Wingate, we must ask
you to resign from this club.

Resign?

We'd appreciate it if
you’d clean out your locker,

pick up your dumb bells and
leave as soon as possible.

What's going on here?

We understand that the
Army won't allow the Sergeant

to come to the wedding.

If they can't risk
it, neither can we.

What's going on here?

Biff, why didn't you tell us

your father was such an
important man in the Army?

I didn't know it myself.

Sgt. Bilko why
didn't you tell me?

Who can tell you anything,
you're so busy beating Yale.

A decent thing, one
little fumble is all I wanted.

Oh have pity Sergeant,
do something please.

Look, I can't speak for
the whole staff, I just can't.

I have my ins...

What's the use, listen
Commodore will listen to reason?

The Commodore.

They threw me out of the club!

They threw me out of the club!

But father what happened?

They threw me out of the club!

They threw me out of the club!

What's wrong Comrade Wingate,

peddling subscriptions
to Pravda, huh?

Get this Sergeant!
Get the Sergeant!

You mean you want the
Sergeant at the wedding?

If he doesn't come,
I'll be deported.

Oh grandfather.

Now wait a minute, I
can't let this happen.

You are a pretty nice family.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh thank you, thank you so much.

I don't promise anything, hello.

Fort Baxter, Kansas
I want to speak

to a Sgt. C.J. Bentonhurst.

Who's calling?

This is Sgt. Bilko.

Gen. Davis. Make
that Pvt. Bilko;

I'll call you back later.

Bob, everything is settled.

So I see, I did that
checking you asked me to do.

You've been dealing
with some pretty

high military personnel I see.

Oh recognize me from
around the Pentagon,

now please don't
salute, you'll give it away.

Don't salute Sir.
Sgt. Bilko, ay?

It's funny we never run
into each other, did we?

But don't salute
me, It will be all right.

I must run along, goodbye.

- Ten-shun.
- But Bob, he's a very big...

Oh yes, he's big all right.

I checked with his
commanding officer,

he's the biggest operator
in the United States Army.

- Oh really General.
- Quiet!

What's the meaning of this?

You've been taken
very nicely by Sgt. Bilko.

You mean he's not
from the General Staff?

No, he's a motor pool Sergeant
from a small post in Kansas.

And Biff's father?

Just a Sergeant!
Just a Sergeant!

What will the Commodore say?

Now we can't have a
Sergeant at the wedding.

Quiet!

I did some further checking
while I was in the records.

Oh now, now
never mind. It's true.

You were a Major General
in World War Il Houghton

but in World War I
you were a corporal.

Houghton. My son, a corporal?

What will the Commodore say?

Where did you get
that title of Commodore?

In the Spanish American war,

you weren't a Commodore
with Admiral Dewey;

you were just a bugle boy.

Oh grandfather? Keep this quiet.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves

not wanting a
Sergeant at the wedding.

You should be
honored to have a man

like Sgt. Bentonhurst who's
devoted his life to the Army.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Yes Sir.

- Take over.
- Gladly Sir.

All right, hit the brakes.

Get those shoulders..
Get the stomach in.

Ten-shun!

That moustache has got
to go, it's against regulation.

Two, three, forward march!
Hup, two, three, four...